tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-29503472768850183682024-03-13T13:40:48.019-02:30My Ever-Evolving LifeOne step at a time...BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.comBlogger240125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-19609673201671106472017-02-09T15:00:00.000-03:302017-02-09T15:00:13.909-03:30Holy S#!$ I'm A MomI'm fast finding out that our parenting paths don't always go as we foresee, starting with our birth stories...<br />
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I was NOT put on the induction list at 38 weeks. I was, in fact, given a choice to either try a natural delivery to a predicted very large baby and risk shoulder dystocia and all its complications (and be put on the induction list in order to get there), or schedule a Cesarian section. I opted for the section. It was brutal. Getting the spinal was sheer hell, the surgery itself was a terrifying experience, and recovery was a bi@#!. Yet, I know it could have been a whole lot worse. No question - giving birth is not for the faint of heart.<br />
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So, at 38.5 weeks I got to meet my darling baby boy...who was taken from me 2 hours later and brought to the NICU where he spent the first 8 days of his life. It was extremely hard to be separated from him and to go home from the hospital baby-less. However, again, I know it could have been a whole lot worse. 8 days is a helluva long time when you're going through it, but it's just a blink of an eye compared to the lengthy stays of some infants and, thankfully, the complications baby boy experienced were not life threatening (although some of them and the resulting wires and machines were unbearably hard to witness).<br />
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Fast forward to today and I am sitting on the couch next to the most beautiful little boy I've ever laid eyes on as he naps. My heart feels as though it will explode most of the time. My life is an endless whirlwind of feedings, diapers, baths, naps, and troubleshooting fussiness, but the most fleeting of smiles and coos makes it all worth it. This aching love is unlike anything else I have ever known. I have joined the ranks of mothers all over the world who instantly and instinctively know throughout the depths of their souls what I am talking about. The need to meet this child's needs, to protect and comfort him and see that he is happy and well are everything. My focus has shifted and priorities have realigned themselves. Preoccupation with my figure has gone out the window. Hell, I'm lucky if I can get myself fed, bathed, and dressed in the run of a day right now. Who has time to look in the mirror?? Besides, I'm damn proud of the feats my body has performed and this continued ability to nourish another little being using nothing but my own. It's pretty badasss, I gotta say, even if we did get off to a rocky start in the breastfeeding department.<br />
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In short, it has been an amazing couple of months. I have unearthed the new reserves of energy and patience that all new parents must, I have been covered in all sorts of bodily fluids that aren't my own, I have known the most incredible joys over the tiniest of things and been devastated beyond belief by things I never thought would matter (that part has been mostly hormonal, I do believe). I honestly don't even have the words to describe the feelings...oh, the feelings. And so, while I am petrified of what is to come once my maternity leave is done, with no job to go to and hubby just finishing up school, no idea what to do about child care or whether it will be somehow feasible to stay at home to take care of this gorgeous, bright little human, I am also doing my very best to cherish each and every moment I get to spend being a mom and seeing my baby learn and grow (even if I am constantly a hot mess and my house regularly looks like a clutter and dust bunny bomb went off and spilled a few crumbs, dishes, and toys along the way). It is the single most special and significant thing I have ever done. I am willing the time to go by slowly, even though I know this phase will be over all too quick. For now, I am simply thankful beyond belief that he is here and healthy and that I was afforded a few precious moments to myself today to write this blog entry I've been yearning to write for some time now. It didn't shape up the way I had envisioned, either, but it is written and that is something.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-78016764455509570622016-11-05T12:39:00.000-02:302016-11-05T12:39:20.381-02:30Impending BirthI/we made it! I'm now at 36 weeks pregnant and I'm told I'll be put on the induction list at 38 weeks provided all goes well until then. I'm told I'm carrying a baby boy. He's measuring ahead for his gestational age. It has been one helluva rollercoaster ride these past months! I'm full of so many things right now...happiness, relief, fear, anxiety, nervousness, anticipation, excitement, wonder...it's unbelievable that there is this living, moving, thing inside my body that will soon be delivered to the outside world. And life will never be the same. I hope and pray that he will be healthy and happy; that birthing him will go well, that hubby and I will somehow fumble our way through parenthood and raise a decent human being with good morals and values; that he will achieve his dreams; that we will achieve ours...that it will all be OK. Please wish us luck, love, patience, good vibes, or whatever else new parents need to get through until they figure it out. And, because I'm totally hormonal and mushy right now - love to each and every one of you.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-46636067132487404062016-04-25T18:40:00.001-02:302016-04-25T18:40:32.573-02:30A New JourneyI wonder if anyone even drops by to read my humble, neglected blog anymore? Perhaps the odd person who happens upon it by accident. Perhaps the odd reader who still "follows" me and sees an interesting blurb now and then. Who knows? In any event, I feel the urge to write again today. It would seem I've reached a new milestone in this life - that of mommy-to-be. I won't say it was completely unexpected, but it was still a bit of a shock and took me totally off guard. I anticipated months of "trying" before we conceived, but it was completely the opposite. Once. One time without taking any kind of precautions, and ba-bam! Crazy. I've been digesting the news for a few weeks now and we've let our families and some close friends in on the precious secret, but we have yet to tell the world at large. Superstition, I suppose, the fear that we will somehow jinx it or that something will happen and it will be public knowledge...or maybe we just want to keep this knowledge to the "inner circle" for a little while longer. I do realize that this is a public forum, but since I have kept myself rather anonymous here, it feels safe to divulge the information to any potential readers. <div>
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So, yeah, steep learning curve at the moment and even higher ones ahead for the foreseeable future. Now that the initial denial and anxiety and stress have somewhat abated, I am able to breathe and be hopeful, happy, and full of awe and wonder. Let's not kid ourselves, the stress is still there - I'm just able to look past the worry most days at this point and focus on the gift that we have been given. I get the sense that a new life is beginning (a new phase, at the very least, for sure) and I pray that everything works out OK. Better than OK. Perhaps creating another life will be the catalyst to making changes in my own...changes I've been dragging my heels over for months and years due to indecision and fear and lack of direction. At least, that is among my hopes for where all of this is headed. A new direction, indeed. It's hard to fathom some days how much my life has changed in the past 14 months. Onward, we go!</div>
BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-72340158843133213092016-03-30T20:00:00.005-02:302016-03-30T20:01:22.385-02:30When to Say WhenI've decided to drop my current distance course and cut my losses. I decided this on the eve of my mid-term exam. I contacted the invigilator and let her know I wasn't prepared to write the exam on the following day and she informed me that I would have up to 10 days to re-register without penalty. I then left town to take a break and have a change of scenery. The thing is, I've already invested a lot of time and money into it and I know that, what with all the time I was busy doing other things during the last year, it would've been down to the wire to finish...and I would've had to pay another $365 minimum in order to do so. Turns out I've gotten to the point in my life where I can (finally) let go of things like that (although I was stressed for a while before actually making the move) instead of continuing to pursue something that has become more of a burden than an accomplishment out of a sense of obligation and a fear of failure and disappointing others. I've come to the conclusion that it isn't failing if I made the decision in the interest of my own well being, and my obligation is to take care of myself. Though a tinge of fear remained, the relief I felt was palpable. Here's to being an adult and taking responsibility for your own life and your own actions. We shall see what happens and where I go from here...BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-23190582021177692652016-03-12T12:04:00.001-03:302016-03-12T12:04:54.013-03:30Wherever You May Roam...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Recently, I've been feeling the itch to travel again. I'm missing the places I've been and wanting to go exploring new horizons, as well. I'm wondering how people afford to travel these days, especially to get themselves off an island with exorbitant airfare price-tags. For the time being, I'll just look back on photos with nostalgia and reflect on the pieces of my heart I've left in various locales (the above image was taken on a beach in Mexico). The urge is there to (however briefly) reunite with fragments now residing in British Columbia, to meet the rest of my husband's family on the mainland (where some of them and their homes and our memories have already claimed tidbits of said heart) as well as a desire to return to the UK, where remnants of my heart have been residing for these past 15 years. I want to go and dig further into my extended roots and see what I can find...I immediately felt a connection with the place during my first foray, and I'd like for hubby to come with me this time. It was bliss when we visited Quebec together a couple of years ago...pieces of me stay there, too. It's such a rich existence when you can experience different landscapes and cultures, people, friendships, and connections...but your heart is never whole and in one place again. </div>
<br />BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-8659283423731055932016-03-05T12:51:00.001-03:302016-03-05T12:51:36.374-03:30Musings of Maturity<br />
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Though I've sometimes contemplated it (like probably everybody else has at one time or another), I'd never actually want to go back and change my life because I like where I am today. There are maybe certain parts I'd like to re-do because they were bloody fantastic, and there are parts that were painful as hell that it would be nice to erase...but most likely necessary to my growth and development in one way or another.<br />
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What I <i>would</i> like to do is go back and interact with people as the person I have become. I'd like to do a better job of certain things...the way I chose my career and where I placed my priorities within it the first few years; the naïveté that allowed me to get into certain situations or let people take advantage or manipulate me without realizing; the black-and-white mentality, judgment, and moral superiority I exhibited at times when it would have been much better to show compassion and be understanding; the shyness, anxiety, and lack of any kind of belief in myself that prevented me from being who I am and shining; the crippling depression and inability to acknowledge my talents and strengths; the fear that stopped me from following my dreams (and still does, to an extent...will have to work on that one some more).<br />
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Yes, it would be awesome to navigate my way through life with the knowledge and confidence I now possess...but it was also through those interactions of the past that I developed those things and forged a new perspective. Catch 22.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-1230267637124784702016-02-27T15:32:00.001-03:302016-02-27T15:32:16.107-03:30The Randomness that is TodayHeadache. Pain.<br />
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Broken glass. Water and ice cubes everywhere.<br />
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Nosebleed. One out-of-nowhere stream over a cup of coffee - half a second later, ended; did I hallucinate that?<br />
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Overflowing toilet. Sopping wet towels. Thank goodness there was nothing in there.<br />
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I cannot wait for a hug from my husband.<br />
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<br />BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-35907823444612422852016-02-27T15:12:00.002-03:302016-02-27T15:12:19.261-03:30Pensive, Elusive, Ponderings...<br />
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This day started with a headache - literally, I woke up and it was there. My neck is a cement column, my eyes are bleary, my head and shoulders are burning with piercing pain. I have spent it, for the most part, alone, in silence, save for a brief morning chat with hubby before he left for work and a phone call to my mother that lasted a few minutes longer than usual. My weapons of choice against the aggravating headache are essential oils, coffee, and the heating pad with a Velcro closure that wraps around my neck. </div>
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I've been trying to get through some more course material; currently, <i>La détresse et l'enchantement</i> by Gabrielle Roy. It is, thankfully, much more interesting to me than the previous novel I struggled through. It's an autobiography, and it's been making me think and reflect and ponder (not only because I know I will have to write about it afterwards). The author details her relationships with family members, her passions, her choices, life, death, nature...all things that have had an impact on her journey throughout the years.<br />
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My paternal grandmother came to visit last night with my aunt and uncle. I hadn't seen any of them in a while and the familiar guilt was returning. I don't know why, since I have been legitimately busy and haven't really seen anyone or gone anywhere socially for the most part since we got back from our honeymoon. I gave them the grand tour and listened to their offhand commentary. We sat on the couch and made idle chitchat. I was glad a friend had also dropped by and was there for the visit. It served as a buffer for me...I've never been alone with my grandmother, that I can remember. I noticed that she wasn't looking herself, but didn't mention it. Her face was paler than usual, she seemed tired, and her hair was disheveled. I've hardly ever seen it disheveled.<br />
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As she left, grandmother looked at me and said, "You wouldn't have anything to worry about if your father was alive" in reference to the things hubby and I are hoping to renovate here. It was followed by an awkward silence and an offhand "Well, that's it. Those things happen" or something like that from my aunt. It hit a nerve. As of now, I am 7 years older than my father when he passed. It's an odd feeling, to know you're older than your parent lived to be at such a young age. And having her say that...well, how could she know what he would be like, now, as a 50-60-something year old? And, again, it discounted my stepfather, who has already been here and done a bunch of stuff for us....so, there's that. And it's always been a taboo subject. We've never had a sensible conversation about my father, her son. And time is ticking.<br />
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I happened to mention it to my mother today. I dunno why I bothered. She quickly glossed over it and moved to another subject, which happened to end up with an observation of the relationship between another mother and daughter we know (it isn't very open and communicative, to say the least). It made me sad to realize that that was the relationship we used to have when I was young. And, to an extent, still do surrounding uncomfortable topics...like my father and my struggle to understand and improve interactions with his family. We're trying, my mom and I, but we still haven't breached a lot of barriers. She knows me well, yet she doesn't know me at all. The same is also true of the reverse.<br />
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And so, as I am noticing in Gabrielle Roy's autobiography, we are linked and bound to our families, we feel compelled to be there for them (or try to be) when they need us, but we remain such separate entities all at once and sometimes isolated and unable to traverse the gaps in ways we cannot quite grasp.<br />
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<br />BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-16801285107955234952016-02-26T19:39:00.002-03:302016-02-26T19:39:38.606-03:30Subtle DifferencesIt amazes me, sometimes, how adjusting one thing can impact so many others. I used to modify my appearance constantly, just because. As I've grown older, I've noticed that I'm more and more reluctant to do that. It's like I found a comfortable, easy way to present myself and got lazy about experimenting. My makeup is usually the same - natural and minimal during the work week and when I'm out and about; non-existent when I'm at home, my clothes usually fall into the same pattern, I don't paint my nails anymore (except toenails in summer), and my hair has been some variation of mid-long and curly with minimal effort required. This week, I decided to embrace change again (for a change). I was bored with myself and figured I needed an update of sorts, so I cut off more than half my hair and got bangs...not a huge deal, and definitely not all that important in the grand scheme of things...however, I've noticed other subtle differences in relation to that: I feel a little fresher; younger, peppier and more lively again. I have been carrying myself differently, I've been taking more care to style my hair and being more thorough with my makeup. I am also more aware of what I am eating and more motivated to get back on track with physical activity (now, that may have something to do with spring approaching, too). And, it's been kind of fun and cool to see the response from my co-workers. At last count, no fewer than 8-10 people have said that they didn't recognize me or that they had to do a double-take because I look so different. A punt load of others have given me spontaneous, enthusiastic compliments and, dammit, it's good to hear nice things about yourself, especially when you've been going through a slump. Bottom line? There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting comfortable with yourself, knowing who you are and how you want to look, but sometimes the smallest tweak is all that is needed to make a huge difference in your perceptions and how others perceive you. Just to shake things up a bit and have others take notice of you in a new light can be so refreshing! Mind you, I'm already wondering how long it will be before I can make use of the old ponytail standby again... :)BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-14637056280714105632016-02-22T13:03:00.001-03:302016-02-22T13:16:02.293-03:30Molasses Tea<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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When I was a little girl, my mother would insist that we visit our paternal grandparents at least once a month. For me, it was always stressful and torturous. I couldn't let it slide off my back like my brother seemed to be able to do. I felt physically ill at the prospect of having to go there and sit at the kitchen table and endure a half an hour of painfully forced conversation (Mom always ensured we didn't stay long) - or worse, migrate to the living room where pictures of my deceased father were hung on every wall and try to ignore the elephant in the room while avoiding making eye contact. I would often leave with a migraine or tension headache. Not a good way to remember spending time with your grandparents, hey? The first time I saw my grandfather smile was when he had great grand-children. The first time I remember him telling me he loved me I was in my 20's. And my grandmother sort of followed his lead, I guess. They were old school. They always dressed in more formal-type clothes and she waited on him and kind of stayed in the background and let him take the forefront. It wasn't until after he died that I started to see her personality emerge...he had a sort of stern and domineering way about him, I guess, that she let take centre stage.<br />
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Anyway, there are a couple of bright spots in there somewhere...I have a vague memory of Nan teaching me to iron, using facecloths as practice, Granda taught me how to tie a tie when I was older (looks and sounds funny, doesn't it?...tie a tie...), and I think I watched him paint the model boats he used to make in the basement a couple of times back in the day (all of us grandkids eventually received one in a display case).<br />
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The thing that got me today, though, unexpectedly, was the molasses. I decided to make baked beans today for some strange reason, to eat later in the week. When I took the container of molasses out of the cupboard and placed it on the counter next to the kettle, I was suddenly reminded of sitting with Granda and drinking molasses tea. Granda loved to tell stories about his younger days...I wish I had been relaxed enough to actually absorb and remember them all, but they did serve as a reprieve from the mournful, heavy, discussions about death and the reminders that I no longer had a "real" father (the man actually asked me when I was 16 if I wanted to be buried next to my father when I died. I understand now that he was trying to be practical and considerate since he felt his own time was drawing near and he needed to plan for his own cemetery plot, but at the time it was very disturbing for me).<br />
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Back to the molasses...one of the few things I do remember him talking about was how when he was younger there was a time when there was no sugar available so they had to use molasses to sweeten their tea. I was intrigued by this and he made me some to try. He seemed quite pleased that I liked it. It was one of the few moments of bonding I can actually say I remember having with him. The pleasantness of drinking molasses tea together at the table in a beam of sunlight coming in from the window and his happy smile because I liked it.<br />
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It actually makes me cry right now as I write this. I so wish things had been different...but I'm so glad that at least we had that moment and a couple of others like it. And so, today, I sat and drank a cup of molasses tea while beans were baking in the oven...in honour of my grandfather, who loved me and didn't know how to get past his own grief to show me in a way I could understand while he was here.<br />
<br />BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-10882371128487093102016-02-20T11:31:00.000-03:302016-02-22T13:18:14.347-03:30Does This Really Need a Title? It's the First Thing I've Written in Forever!I miss you. I miss writing here. I miss writing, period. June 2015 seems like forever ago...well 8 months is kinda long, I guess. A year ago, today, I got engaged. Wow. I've now got almost 6 months of wedded bliss under my belt (I'm not being facetious or sarcastic here), I've honeymooned (it was AWESOME), I've finished one distance course (RELIEF!) and am trying my best to finish a second over the next few months (STRESS!), I'm now a first-time aunt (it ROCKS and I love that baby more than I ever thought possible), and we bought a house (WOOHOO! NO MORE RENTING)! Juggling all this while working (and with a hubby who is also working and going to school) has not been easy, at times, and I still have my moments when it all becomes just a little too much. I've had to give up any and all extra-curricular activities for the past while to create more time in my schedule. But I miss them. I miss singing and dancing and CREATING. It's tiresome to only have the scholastic and the mundane on my plate. And it's frustrating to be busy all. the. time. and not have enough time to organize things in my new home the way I'd like or take control of my fitness back (it's sorta gone out the window with so much on the go and I'm feeling so out of shape that I don't even recognize myself or feel at home in my own body half the time). And on top of that we are contemplating kids. It's tough. I always thought I would, then I wasn't so sure, and now it's a matter of I envision it in the future but can't wrap my head around the realities of creating it now...you know, that ideal of wanting to be financially secure and stuff before you have a child...and then there's the clock ticking in the background and weighting the decision with more stress and uncertainty and unknown factors.<br />
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So, yeah. Welcome to Adulting 101, I guess...the struggle to balance your life, be responsible, accomplish things, be successful, have fun, and be happy all at once. I miss the younger me who didn't have all of this on her shoulders and was able to just go to school and go out and let loose on the dance floor. The only dancing I seem to do now is in my kitchen/living room or at weddings. Mind you, I'd never want to go back there...that girl carried so many other burdens on her shoulders that it amazes me she was ever able to keep her head above water and keep from drowning in the endless anxiety, guilt, and self-loathing. Thank God I made it this far. I'm sure I'll figure the rest out as I go.<br />
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In the meantime, anyone have any insight on the world of parenting they'd like to share? What is it that makes it so tough and so rewarding? Would you do anything differently if you had the chance? What made you decide in the first place whether or not to have them and when to just go for it, if you did? Do you ever regret your choice? Is there anything you'd like to say to someone contemplating whether or not to become a parent (from either side of it...whether you have kids or don't have kids), any advice or wisdom to share...?BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-31680573595344721222015-06-07T12:20:00.001-02:302015-06-07T13:07:58.580-02:30BlessingsOnce again, it has been a while. I will not beat myself up for that. Life has been busy. It happens. And it has been busy for so many great reasons! I've been truly blessed these past months...I've been working fairly steadily, progressing in university distance education courses, continuing to absorb soulful literature and TV programming, writing in a gratitude journal almost daily, making a conscious effort to do things that bring me joy and to show up and be present in my own life. And all of those things mean that I feel much happier and less stressed in the average day. Oh, yeah, and I'm also GETTING MARRIED! Gasp! I know, right? When did this happen??? Well, fiancé and I had been talking about it for some time and looking at rings off and on for about a year when it finally hit me: this is not going to happen if we don't make it happen, and we are not getting any younger - what are we waiting for? So, I calmly told him at the end of January that I was going to decide on a ring by the end of the week and then it would be up to him. I found the one I wanted a few days later and we went together to put down the deposit and get the paperwork completed to have it sent off and re-sized. Sixteen days later, it came back and he proposed to me on the spur of the moment in a restaurant parking lot. I couldn't be happier. We are getting hitched in August and I've added the heap of wedding preparation to-do lists to my never-ending pile of to-do's. Busy, busy girl. We also decided to treat ourselves to a tropical honeymoon after the wedding. I think we each deserve it. I feel as if I am constantly being bathed in the warmth of a beam of sunlight when I close my eyes and count my blessings. Things aren't perfect, but this is definitely bliss :-) I've come a long way, baby, one step at a time...!<br />
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Side note: It's amazing to look back and see that <a href="http://baygirl-ramblingsfromafar.blogspot.ca/2012/09/unofficial-boyfriend-revised.html?view=flipcard">THIS</a> and <a href="http://baygirl-ramblingsfromafar.blogspot.ca/2012/09/so-far-so-good.html?view=flipcard">THIS</a> and <a href="http://baygirl-ramblingsfromafar.blogspot.ca/2014/03/growth-and-stability.html?view=flipcard">THIS</a> and <a href="http://baygirl-ramblingsfromafar.blogspot.ca/2014/05/love-and-marriage.html?view=flipcard">THIS</a> have led to THIS :) I guess it really is true what they say: When it's right you just <i>know. </i>Seriously. cannot. stop. smiling. :-D</div>
<br />BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-89197755824171063682014-11-04T12:20:00.001-03:302014-11-04T12:20:48.809-03:30Continuous ProgressThings are continuing to shift and move and make more sense. I have finished counselling for the time being as well as the set of hypnosis sessions I started and they have helped tremendously. I did some regression work and releasing during that time as well. I'm almost through The Gifts of Imperfection and have started on The Alchemist (my bedside stack of literature grew so much that I had to relocate it to the living room whilst it awaits my attention). I've not been able to keep up with the three minute daily mirror exercise (whereby a person stares at him/herself in the mirror for three minutes whilst simultaneously delivering and receiving positive self-talk), but I have been relatively consistent with my use of a nightly gratitude journal (in which I record at least five things that I am grateful for each day). In addition, I've recently started the new 21 day meditation program online with Oprah and Deepak Chopra (which I had previously never heard of until my hypnotist told me about it) and I went to see James van Praagh at the end of October (I had mixed observations and feelings about that one, but I'm glad I went for the experience nonetheless). I've been neglecting my nutrition, sleep, and exercise <strike>a little </strike> a lot for the past couple of weeks, but I know it isn't forever and I'm getting better at accepting myself and silencing the litany of the damaging little voice in my brain. In fact, it's been a while since I last heard it say anything negative. I like it that way. It's OK if I don't have a productive day. It's OK if everything on my to do list isn't achieved within a given time frame (it never was, to be honest, but it always caused me grief before to see those items not crossed off at the end of the day). My stress level is way down and I am more consistently happy and content; not always - that's actually a disorder - but it is my normal state of being these days. Amazing. In fact, I had a conversation with Boyfriend last night (he is so emotionally and spiritually intelligent without even realizing it and has been a tremendous support for me) whereby he expressed to me that he has noticed a big difference in me...not that he has noticed all the things I have been doing to get here, but the end result so far. Yes, he has been aware of all my appointments and that I've been reading and watching TV shows and journalling, but it was the decision I made to not work for the past week and give myself a much-needed break that got his attention. He applauded me for knowing to do that for myself and for not panicking and stressing over the lack of income; he realizes it's not something I would have or could have done a year ago. He also commented on the disappearance of the lingering cloud of negativity over my head that was ever-present last fall and that I am no longer the ball of stress and anxiety I was then. I am definitely progressing steadily towards the person I want to be and (hopefully!) the life I want to lead.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-82833650215026911892014-09-25T10:37:00.001-02:302014-09-25T10:37:13.870-02:30Fighting Perfect <br />
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There's a growing stack of literature on my bedside table. It includes such works as <u>The Power of Now</u> by Eckhart Tolle, <u>The Seat of the Soul </u>by Gary Zukav, <u>I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings</u> by Maya Angelou, <u>10-10-10</u> by Suzy Welch, and the gem I am currently devouring: <u>The Gifts of Imperfection</u> by Dr. Brené Brown (I have yet to read the others).<br />
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This need for self-discovery, enlightenment, and improvement has been an ongoing thing for me. It started out as a realization in the 11th grade that I needed to overcome my fear of public speaking...then it morphed into a determination to develop relationships with my family, conquer my fear of singing in front of people and audition in front of someone, get myself on stage in a theatrical production, (re)build my confidence after a breakup, improve my ability to meet people and talk one-on-one...but my personal growth and development was a series of fits and starts instead of having an ever-flowing presence.<br />
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This time it's different. This time, I am looking at myself as a whole. What is it that I need to do for me in order to better myself as a person, become more relaxed and stable, increase my capacity for trust, love, and joy, and improve the quality of the rest of my life? The motivations that came sporadically and fleetingly before seem to have been triggered all at once following a few key moments of clarity when I had felt that someone's words or some realized truth spoke deeply to my consciousness and to my soul. This combination of catalysts led me to counselling. It led me to Super Soul Sunday and Master Class on OWN. It led me to deep conversations with friends who understand. It led me to <u>The Loss That is Forever</u>. It led me to the other books I have mentioned (and has been leading me to add more to my list of things to read/look into besides). And more recently it led me to try hypnosis (which sort of came out of the blue as a suggestion and which I am hopeful will contribute greatly to this process I am undertaking).<br />
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Alas, I digress...<br />
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Through all of my exploring, I am coming to change or modify my thought patterns and beliefs. I am also coming to understand that what I have been experiencing is very complex and interconnected stuff and that I am not alone in quite a few facets of my experience. Today's focus is on perfectionism. I have a long memory of being labelled a perfectionist (mostly by my mother). I just sort of accepted that it is a part of who I am and kind of wore it like a badge of honour. It meant that I was giving my all to everything that mattered to me; that I was beyond reproach or judgment in how I portrayed myself. But what it actually did was impede my happiness, bury me in a mountain of stress, frustration, self-criticism, guilt, inadequacy, anxiety and fear, and paralyze my life in countless ways. I heard the words, "there's no such thing as perfect" or "that's good enough" and I didn't accept them to be true as they apply to me. I MUST be perfect. I MUST NOT make mistakes. There is an enormous amount of pressure that comes with those beliefs. And it isn't as though I ever thought I was perfect. I didn't. I was never good enough for myself in any way, shape, or form. I fought my way through aspects of this thought pattern off and on throughout the years, but I never tackled the issue as a whole. I don't think I ever got the fact that it was a huge festering sore in my mind and in my heart. I was consumed with depleting myself for others, trying to be everything for everyone and meet their every need; so afraid of disappointing or hurting anyone, so afraid of losing the shreds of self-worth that were dependent on meeting my own unrealized unrealistic expectations of myself or having to deal with not being liked or accepted because of an inability to do all those things. I repeatedly ran myself down to empty for my job, my friends, my family, my partners. I let the energy vampires suck me dry. Never did I stop to take care of me. I mean, I sort of convinced myself that I did - I took care of the things on the surface whenever I could snatch a moment that wasn't already spoken for at someone else's bidding (whether real or perceived by my mind's preoccupation with their problems, expectations, and well-being), but I never got to really recharge and replenish myself. Maybe I didn't even know how or that I deserved that.<br />
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Realization and making sense of it all in my own mind is key to raising my awareness of how I treat myself. I would NEVER treat a friend that way and if a friend treated ME they way I treat MYSELF, I'm sure we wouldn't be friends for long. What's important going forward is what am I going to do about it? Well, I'm going to keep educating myself and discovering myself. I'm going to continue to "do the work" and have the tough conversations that my soul needs in order to heal. I'm going to learn (finally) to love myself fully and give myself time and permission to figure out what it is that I need and make MY well-being a priority. I am going to battle perfectionism, depression, and anxiety (and anything else that crops up or gets uncovered). I am going to learn to create real and true boundaries. I am going to learn to separate myself and my worth from my ability to please, perform, and perfect. I am going to cultivate positive thoughts and beliefs to help free myself from the chains of negativity and the pain of beating up on myself on a daily basis. I am once again going to create courage inside myself to find, be, and accept <i>me</i>.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-33723014502118676132014-09-23T10:35:00.002-02:302014-09-23T10:35:36.665-02:30Self-love and the Uphill Battle<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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- photo of an excerpt from <u>The Loss That is Forever</u> by Maxine Harris (p. 305)</div>
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Roller coasters have nothing on this ride I've been on. I feel as though my body has been in a wreck; it has been forced to process so many intense emotions on an almost daily basis, not the least of which are stress, anxiety, and depression. I am searching, reaching, hoping, trying to pull myself through. I am hungrily gobbling up any self-help I can find and praying to discover the root of all of this; to learn how to love myself - really love myself, not just masquerade it when I'm feeling fine - and come out the other side a better, healed, and whole person. I am finally "doing the work" and knowing I cannot undo a lifetime of hurt overnight or find all the answers and fill the void in a day. Patience is hard, but it is time - the universe has pointedly thrust me into all sorts of situations that tell me this is so. These have not been isolate incidents. There is a definite pattern here. I must face my loss. I must make sense of this. Work and career woes and indecisions take a definite backseat to this burden I have been carrying since childhood - the loss of a father I was never allowed to grieve and can no longer convince myself had no lasting impact on me and did not effect every aspect of my being and becoming. Thank God I can finally see that there are others who love me more than I love myself. Thank God they have led me to open my eyes. Thank God I already love me enough to fight for the quality of the rest of my life, one step at a time.<br />
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<br />BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-42475379460164786822014-06-29T00:19:00.000-02:302014-06-29T00:19:10.182-02:30AwakeningI feel as though I am alive again for the first time in a long time. I have been battling depression, stress, and anxiety since the end of Easter. It has been rough at times. Demons long-buried have resurfaced, wreaking havoc and demanding attention. My inner voice has been drowning in negativity. I have been neglecting myself, my well-being, and my environment. I have been binge-eating unhealthy foods, having a drink more often, not getting enough sleep or exercise. My body is rebelling. I've gained what feels like a lot of weight and lost what feels like a lot of muscle, I've been sick, I've needed more chiropractic adjustments and massages to function, my skin has been irritated, I contracted a virus that made its effects known for a couple of weeks, and I've had frequent headaches. My humble abode is not as clean, neat, and tidy as I would like and it adds to my stress, irritation, and frustration. The work ahead of me feels just as daunting as that I just left behind. Yet I know that I need to be kind to myself again (and not just because my recently acquired counsellor tells me so). I slept a lot yesterday and last night. I slept in this morning. I went for a walk. I was excited just to be out in nature and not having to return to a pile of work afterwards. I still abused myself with food today, but at least I did those things for myself. I smiled and laughed and breathed fresh air. And I rested. Tomorrow I plan on adding more positives to that list. It is time. I need to be able to feel good again and to feel good about myself again. I need to look in the mirror and not cringe, to look around me and feel relaxed and comfortable. Small steps. Don't overwhelm. Change the negative self-talk. Find the distorted thoughts and adjust them. Love above criticism, self-blame, self-doubt. Gain strength. Be decisive. Be active. Create a mantra and stick to it.<br />
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Sigh...I am so lucky to have such a great guy by my side to help me through all this. I've seriously been a mess. I think it's the first time in my life that I have let myself be totally open and vulnerable to a man and trusted that he would be there for me and not judge me. He has exceeded all of that and has been more helpful and supportive than I could have imagined. He is truly a fantastic blessing in my life. We had to put ring-hunting on hold due to our overwhelmingly busy schedules, but there is no doubt in my mind that we will find one and get the process started when the time is right. We are also planning a trip this summer so that I can finally meet his out-of-province family. I'm kind of scared, nervous, and excited. I hope it goes well! I haven't met anyone's family like this in over a decade, and only ever the one time. It will be interesting, no doubt!BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-45808472531461070952014-05-19T11:10:00.000-02:302014-05-19T11:10:16.943-02:30Love and Marriage<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Boyfriend and I are talking marriage...well, we have been since month 1 really, but now that we are in month....20? we are actually starting to look at engagement rings (um, wow...holy decisions! to think that I have considered not even bothering with an engagement ring and now after 3 trips to the jewellery store and trying on rings, I am daydreaming diamonds!) and wedding details. We don't really know where to start, but we are discussing, looking, and trying to price things out to get an idea of what we are looking at and what is reasonable and affordable for us. I feel like I'm chasing my tail in circles sometimes, but it's interesting trying to figure out what is important to us and what can be sacrificed in looking for a happy medium for the special day. We have touched on everything from going to the courthouse and getting a JP to perform the deed to doing the destination wedding to the all out family affair. In all honesty, I can't really decide what I can live with sans regrets. And all the while I am reminding myself that I do not want to get sucked up into the big traditional (expensive) white wedding mess...not that there is anything wrong with that, just that it does not fit in our current budget. The most important thing is making this do-able and moving forward with the actual marriage that comes after the wedding. <div>
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I always assumed I would follow the prescribed formula of the masses if this time ever came (as I did in my education and career choices) but, after taking a realistic look at my situation (and having a heart to heart with Boyfriend and another with my brother, who is getting married himself this summer), Boyfriend and I think that the best first step for us is marriage. We are not in the position to go house hunting with him in school and me not having stable employment and I am not prepared to start having children until I am married and (hopefully) have a home. </div>
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I have to say, much as I am frustrated at times that this process is not moving fast enough for me (I know, I know, things take time and there's no need to rush), I am happy with the progress we have made in the last month or so. It is good to know that we at least have a direction to go in and a starting point. It is also good to know that I am OK with (actually excited about) exploring different options for our wedding and the order of things. I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at myself, since I am not the same person I was years ago when I thought about marriage in an offhand manner once in a while. The fact that I am SURE that I want this is a feat in itself! I have never been certain that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone or had that "this is it!" feeling. Well, it has arrived. It's been here a while. I think it started about 20 months ago. I am so unbelievably in love with Boyfriend. It's actually overwhelming sometimes. We have an amazing relationship and it makes everything else brighter and more bearable. He is everything I want and need in a partner (even if I do get the urge to choke him on a daily basis when he brings his messiness to a new level or finds other ways to annoy the shit out of me). Nothing has ever felt so right and so natural. </div>
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...yep - this is me. Madly in love and ready to be married :)</div>
BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-41076936995066656672014-03-16T12:13:00.000-02:302014-03-16T12:13:18.998-02:30Growth and StabilitySo I've managed to secure employment for myself up til the end of June (as of the end of February). Yay me! I'm striving towards balance and setting boundaries so that it doesn't consume me, but I probably won't be able to blog regularly for that period of time.<br />
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Boyfriend's aunt came to visit us last week. She was the first of his family I have met and it eased my mind quite a bit...so much so that I had to bite back a proposal from escaping my lips. Things I never would have expected from myself...but, yeah, I wanna marry this guy! We have discussed it lots anyway and we know the feeling is mutual...it's just a matter of having the funds, procuring the ring and working from there. I sometimes wonder if I even want or need any of that stuff. I'm seriously tempted every now and then to say shag it and skip the engagement ring and go straight to a JP or something with the wedding bands. Scary stuff. Yet not at all. The only thing that stops me is the fear of regret...and boyfriend's surety that his family would be upset if we went about it that way without me having met them all, etc (mine probably would, too, if I'm honest). We shall see what happens.<br />
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Also in breaking news, I've discovered that my threshold for handling stress and surviving it has risen, as has my ability to conduct myself with calm, quiet confidence in the face of people who wish to use me as a punching bag. I somehow got through a meeting with two people who were intent on taking their anger out on me and ripping me to shreds and was able to not only keep it together, defuse their anger and state my case, but also to continue on through five more meetings afterwards. My skin has grown thicker, it would appear! Mind you, I did come home at the end of the night and confide in Boyfriend and I did shed a few tears of frustration and hurt. I am still human, after all.<br />
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On that note, I am off to do some more relaxing and self-nourishing to soothe my depleted body, mind, and soul. I shall return when I am able. Happy St. Paddy's Day weekend!BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-39128087554979033752014-02-12T12:08:00.001-03:302014-02-12T12:08:43.300-03:30M.I.A.<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Missing in action...kinda how I've been feeling about myself and/or my life as of late. I'm not really sure which would be a better description. I just know that I'm in that place, once again, where there isn't a lot going on...at least on the main stage. I am holding onto hope that there's all sorts of stuff in the works below the surface. I'm playing the wait and see game, I guess; though unintentionally. I'm a mass of content and discontent. Ambiguous, no? <div>
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I went to see Les Misérables Sunday at the ACC. I must say, it was a very powerful performance. And I was dying inside to not be up on the stage. I know how it feels to experience a standing O after putting your heart and soul into a performance and my heart was bursting with pride for all those involved; shrivelling in my chest with the ache of not having known that feeling in so long.</div>
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I look at my bank account and try not to panic as I wait for the work to roll in; struggle to be productive day to day and not sink into a deeper depression. I also try not to feel too much guilt for the relax time I have. It's hard to find a balance. </div>
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I see myself in the mirror and try not to shudder at the sight that greets me. Where did all those excess pounds come from? How could I let this happen again? I try to make the best of things...dress my body as it is right now, rid my closet of hopeless items that will be less than helpful if I ever shed the weight again. I accept my reality (though I hate the discomfort and the current hibernation of my sexy self) and do my best to not beat myself up too much. I tell myself I will start treating my body right again and attempt to nourish it and be active. I don't feel like it is enough, but it is something. </div>
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I look at my love and my heart melts; my soul full of gratitude. I have him. He is wonderful. He is a constant. I am very fortunate to be so loved and accepted. I am so very blessed to have found him; so very blessed to have such an amazing family and some awesome friends. I really should try and see them more. </div>
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Things are going to be OK, right? Better than OK. I will eventually find my way to where I'm going. I will find things to help me love the journey again. The excitement will turn up, the destination will arrive, and I will live my life again. My time will come, once again, and the sun will shine. It's just hard in the interim.</div>
BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-51079922442460143182014-01-13T18:47:00.000-03:302014-01-13T18:47:16.575-03:30Forward ho!The whirlwind has passed. Life outside work is returning, and the hunt for more work continues. Boyfriend and I moved at the beginning of December and are now settled into new digs. We are much more comfortable and happier here. The plan is to hunker down and make it home until we can afford one of our own. We are both out of shape and carrying more pounds than we should and are working on returning to a healthier lifestyle. I am enjoying some time to finally unwind yet determined to remain productive and keep my spirits high while I strive to regain balance and await further opportunities. Life is good. Must not stress.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-49180554109215246452013-08-31T19:19:00.000-02:302013-08-31T19:19:14.059-02:30Batter Up!Amidst the comings and goings of company, babysitting for my friend, and helping my brother move - as well as treading water trying to keep up with the necessary mundane tasks - I have had to admit momentary defeat as far as keeping active and eating clean. Sad times. I'm not actually upset, though. Things will be fine as soon as we have our own space back. And I got some fantastic news: I will be employed for the next 4 months. Yay for stability! I was so excited I literally did a happy dance on the spot...followed by a little shedding of relieved tears to know that I have stability and financial security for at least a third of the year. Of course, along with all the happiness, excitement, and relief, is also a sense of nervous anticipation tinged with fear. It's been awhile since I had a real turn at bat to show what I'm made of in the field. I hope I am up to snuff.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-66949950200579382172013-08-20T10:05:00.001-02:302013-08-20T10:05:04.365-02:30All's Well...It's hard to believe the summer is coming to a close (although I've been fighting to stay in denial on this fact). I've just survived a very busy week and I'm headed into another after a day or two of brief reprieve. Despite planning and preparation, between my cousin's wedding, a trip to see the parents, and visitors coming and going, It's been challenging (to say the least) to stay even remotely close to the clean eating menus I've been busting my butt to create. Exercise has been largely non-existent (unless you count dancing at the wedding). However, I'm back to my own abode and I am still determined to stick with it all as best I can. Hopefully things will settle into a semblance of consistency again once this week is done. Boyfriend and I are planning a couple of small outings to try and take advantage of what's left of the weather, since we have hardly enjoyed any time together outside at all this summer. I'm quite looking forward to it. In the meantime, I am remembering to cut myself a little slack instead of pummelling the mental and emotional crap out of myself for every little transgression. Progress, right?BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-43803475332251550602013-08-12T10:51:00.002-02:302013-08-12T10:51:41.653-02:30Self BombardmentStill no word from the interviewers. I'm actually relieved, as I am still debating which path to take with regards to work/career. At home, I've been trying really hard to be more organized and keep up with everything but it seems my attempts to simplify and keep better track of things are backfiring. Instead, I find that I am creating more work for myself and Boyfriend just dismisses the lists and charts without a second glance. It's frustrating. I feel like all my time goes into trying to manage and maintain the household but I am spinning my wheels. I have yet to do most of the things I wanted to do this summer, and the majority of the season has already slipped through my fingers. I have hardly seen my friends at all and feel alienated. I am just coming out of a very busy week of helping other people out (not to say there was no mutual benefit, because there was) and heading into another that looks to be just as hectic. Then there is the overwhelming feeling of failure and self-displeasure at my recent lack of follow-through. I never was one to say I was going to do something and then not do it, but that seems to be what has been happening of late. The Vancouver Sun Run training, for instance? The one excursion that ended with the odd incident was the only time I did that so far. Where is my ability to do and achieve hibernating? And why, oh why, can I not strike the right balance between everything and keep it there??? Sometimes I wish my brain was incapable of so much thought.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-26156722991978581422013-08-07T12:18:00.001-02:302013-08-07T12:18:06.622-02:30Reaction to the InterviewThe interview went pretty good, I think. I still really don't know whether I can see myself doing the job and enjoying it, but I now have more information to consider. They said they will be in touch either way and that there is a possibility I will be called for a second interview later this week. We shall see what happens. In the meantime, I have to do some soul-searching and number crunching. ...and figure out how I am going to entertain a 6 year old one-on-one for 18 hours this weekend whilst babysitting for a friend.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2950347276885018368.post-35028581096172003492013-08-06T09:41:00.002-02:302013-08-06T09:41:56.931-02:30Strange DaysI hurt today. Everywhere. Yesterday, I decided to start the <a href="http://www.vancouversun.com/2012sunrun/pdf/InTrainingGuide2012.pdf">Vancouver Sun Run training regimen</a> for learning to run. I'm not planning on running any 10k races in the near future, but I thought it would be a good, structured, routine for me to incorporate into my days rather than just doing whatever exercise I feel like whenever I decide to fit it in. So, off I went...It was pretty uneventful and focused until about the midway point. That's when I noticed an old guy standing in his driveway waving at me. I waved back. Then I realized he was shouting something at me. I paused and removed my earphones. He asked me to come in for a minute. I was wary, but walked closer. He then told me that his wife was "on her hands and knees" and unable to get up; that he couldn't lift her. Still feeling cautious, I followed him to his house and waited for him to open the door. Lo and behold, there was his wife, sprawled on the floor in discomfort (and in a state of partial undress). She was more than a little surprised to see me, but, explaining that she has arthritis in her knees and was unable to get up, accepted my help. Her husband and I managed to get her off the floor and onto a chair in the kitchen, where he sat, too. I felt extremely awkward and was unsure how to proceed, so I simply asked whether there was anything else I could do and whether the wife felt she would now be OK or not. She complained of the heat (and actually stripped off her shirt right there in front of me so that she was now just sitting in her bra, which was even more unexpected, but I kept a poker face and acted like it was a totally normal occurrence for me). She asked who I was and where I'm from and where her husband found me. I matter-of-factly stated my name, my hometown and where I'm currently living, and that her husband had flagged me down as I was jogging by. I asked, once again, if they needed anything more while I was there, was thanked and assured that all was well, and left with a, "hope you feel better soon." What was I to do? How do you navigate that kind of situation?<br />
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Needless to say, it kind of took the energy out of the rest of my walk/run and I've been thinking about it off and on ever since. I keep seeing their faces...it must have been very strange for them as well, to have a stranger come into their home under those circumstances. I hope they have family that can help out if needed. The husband seemed rather shaken and wide-eyed and his hands were trembling. The funny thing is, I was going to cancel my walk/run yesterday when I saw the rain. I even came back inside and took off my shoes. But something told me to go anyway. And I did. Perhaps I was meant to help them for some reason. The route I chose yesterday is normally very busy on nice days, but the only other person I saw out and about yesterday was a man riding a bicycle and listening to music, as well. Weird.<br />
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On another note, I have an interview tomorrow morning for a job outside my field. It pays about a third of what I make per hour as a casual worker IN my field. The pros are obviously stability and an opportunity to explore other options. The cons? Well, I'm actually terrified of missing a chance to finally advance my chosen career (I was given some hope a couple of months ago that something might be coming my way in the near future, but it's still a waiting game). I'm scared of committing to something that pays the same or less than I would make on call, but demands more of my time. I'm also filled with fear of the unknown and of making the wrong decision. On top of that, I'm also still considering the cooking on the side business and the possibility of sticking it out doing what I do but trying again to find a part time gig with which to supplement my income. All I really want is to feel like I am being productive, making progress and working towards goals with Boyfriend as effectively as possible...and doing something fulfilling, enjoyable, and satisfying to get there so I don't get the sensation I am wasting my life. Problem is, half the time I feel that I am wasting my life right now.<br />
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My energy has been off for days now. I have been feeling frustrated and isolated and stressing about everything. This is when being a grownup sucks. The neon sign I have been praying for for the past 3 years or so just isn't falling from the sky and the clock never stops ticking.BayGirlhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/10933199694750403822noreply@blogger.com0