My Ever-Evolving Life

Absent

2012-02-08T10:30:00.001-03:30

Where are you when I talk to you and my words bounce off your ears? Why can you not be present? The number of times I am asked to repeat myself is almost insulting...except that I know you are not you. And then you claim to not know the things I have already told you. It is so difficult to choke back the frustration and disappointment. I love you dearly, my friend, but I very rarely get to see you these days. Your self-imposed isolation has become more literal than metaphorical and has no explanation...or one that makes so little sense I am not sure what to make of it. I don't know how to reach you or what to expect when I finally do...will it be anger I find? Sadness? Loneliness? Or am I expected to pretend, yet again, that everything is normal? When did this anomaly become acceptable in my world? I long to remove these kid gloves and walk on something more substantial than eggshells. I'm so weary of having the same conversation and making/accepting excuses on your behalf. I can no longer cope in this role. Where are you?

Score!

2012-02-07T23:28:00.001-03:30

The play I auditioned for? I got offered the lead female role. The choir audition I went to tonight? Success. Very much. And I am now their newest member. I also worked yesterday and today. Yep, all in all it's good to be me right now. So much so that I can grin and bear the burning discomfort I am experiencing right now due to an allergic reaction to a new facial moisturizer I decided to try (which had rave reviews online...but apparently not everyone needs to live in a bubble like me).

Good Vibes

2012-02-01T23:43:00.000-03:30

It started off on the wrong foot, this day. Yet I managed to wrestle it back to the light. I woke at 7:30 and stayed awake til 9, waiting for the phone to ring. With each minute that passed I sunk further into depression, until I finally said the hell with it and buried myself under the covers and slept til 11ish. At that point, I forced myself to unwind from my self-made cocoon and set about trying to drum up some work. Then Karma stepped in.

I checked facebook and a note appeared on my wall before my eyes. It was from my mother, and directed me to a place to try bringing my resume. So I did. And attempted to go to another place as well...I got lost, and when I finally made it there it was to be told there was a meeting in progress. I waited 45 minutes and my patience was rewarded. I got to meet face to face with a lady who said she normally doesn't do that...but when she was told how long I had been there she thought it was the least she could do. I should probably mention that en route to my second stop, I also received a call for an interview that I was not expecting...in fact, I had enquired about this interview and was told I was not eligible to be interviewed until next year. Yet the lady who called me said she was given my name and number and that if I was interested I could come in on the 27th. I, of course, accepted...confused as I was.

Later this evening, I decided to go to an audition. I was kind of nervous and wasn't really sure what to expect. I walked in, filled out my information sheet, and grabbed the 5 sides for female characters laying on the table outside the audition room. With papers in hand, I took my turn and started doing the cold reads. I was told after completing the first 2 that I could stop. They did not need to hear any more. I was a little uncertain, but then I started to pay attention: their reactions were incredible - they loved me! I was thrilled with their applause and their assurances that I would definitely be hearing from them. In fact, I called my mother the second I was outside the building, shaking with excitement. I cannot believe I may FINALLY have a chance to get back on stage. My heart sang and my cheeks hurt from the perma-grin on my face.

To top it all off, I also got a response from a local choir I had been trying to get in contact with for a while now and the director is interested in meeting me and having me sing for her. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My soul has been needing this so much.

Needless to say, when the cashier at the gas station asked if I needed a lotto ticket for tonight, I went ahead and bought my first one ever.

And Day 10 of January Quit 2 has been successfully conquered. Popcorn, brownies, and pink lemonade to celebrate? I do believe so :)

Light Bulb!

2012-01-25T21:44:00.003-03:30

Something profound is going on in my brain. Significant mental shifts have been taking place in the past little while and I've been processing and re-evaluating like crazy. The most recent has come as the result of a $6 book I saw at Chapters and bought on a whim. It's funny because I had actually gone there in search of Gail Vaz Oxlade's It's Your Money (I found Debt Free Forever instead) and Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. After seeking out those titles and deliberating for far too long whether or not I could afford to buy them both right now (it's incredible how I let myself become so mired in indecision sometimes), I put them both down and was going to leave empty handed when I spied a bright cover on the shelf with an interesting (although - at first glance - unappealing and maybe even offensive) title that jumped out at me: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It is a hardcover that was regularly priced at $32.50...so I read the back and figured "what the hell?" I could use some new reading material (I subsequently returned to Chapters and bought both of the other titles...which I have yet to read).

Anyway, this bargain buy turned out to be a Godsend. I found myself reaching for it whenever I had free time and was essentially unable to put it down. I'm kind of disappointed to have just finished it. It came at a time when I needed to hear it's contents and suddenly everything made so much more sense to me. Well, OK, not everything...but a whole lot of what I've witnessed and/or experienced in terms of dating, relationships, and marriage was viewed in a new light. It isn't all crystal clear and I do have to sift through some information and concepts, as some of it really conflicts with what I have been conditioned to see and believe, but all of a sudden I am looking at everything with a new perspective and I have this sense of insight and relief. I also have to say...two of the 26 year old guys I have been talking to (one of whom I've sort of been seeing) have really got some things figured out...things that I wish some of my girl friends would be willing to accept and understand, and things that I am still struggling with but coming to realize more fully.

Don't get me wrong, my girl friends and I have already figured out that who/what we are attracted to is not always good for us...we just haven't all found a way to integrate that knowledge into better practice when it comes to potential partners. A lot of that inner conflict stems from what we, as girls (now women), have been taught to use as a relationship gauge: the level of chemistry/fireworks/spark that we feel - often from the beginning in the form of crazy infatuation that drives us to do things we would normally consider to be at the heights of insanity. I am not sure where, exactly, this notion comes from, but it is deeply ingrained into our culture and media and reinforced by our friends. The book, however, is about being practical and realistic and learning to look at more reliable indicators of relationship longevity and happiness. It's about valuing what really matters and learning to let go of what doesn't...things we would all probably claim to do but which, in actuality, most of us don't. I know from personal experience that many women (myself included, at times...despite the fact that I am more likely than any of my friends to be decently open minded and give a wider range of people a chance in theory, in practice I have sometimes found it easier to find reasons/excuses to dismiss men who are not my ideal and forgiven things I should not from men who appeared to meet the ideal - it should be noted that none of them actually did live up to what I am really looking for - and I am determined to change that) are apt to give the guy we find attractive and feel that initial 'wow' factor with much more of a chance than the guy who is more stable and reliable but exudes less 'oomph.' Oddly enough (actually, not oddly at all), this has not been the case in my long term relationships...they started out with guys who I wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning but who won me over in other, more important, ways (admittedly, my choices still weren't good ones and there were big red flags I should have been seeing and heeding, but the point is I have had more stability with guys who I never felt crazy about right away). Interesting, too, is the fact that this book has showed me that although I never thought so, I am prone to pickiness. Who'd've thunk it?

I could go on and on detailing the firing of various synapses in my brain as I read through this book, but suffice it to say that it did give me hope that I am on the right track in some ways and pointed me in a better direction in others. It also replaced the panicky feeling that always accompanied the conundrum of finding Mr. Right with a sense of calm rationality. I actually identify quite a bit with the author's friend 'Erica' (also 31...go figure), who says that she now feels like she "could find the right person because he doesn't have to fit absolutely every one of my criteria" and that she "could be happy and find love if [she] just adjusted [her] attitude, and not if [she] was just supremely lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time...". Yep, I must agree - that does sound a whole lot more empowering! And in case you are wondering, the author does not in any way suggest or imply that anyone should accept deplorable behaviour from a partner, nor even settle for less than would make them happy. Uh huh...while the Bitches books and He's Just Not Into You had their own merit and their own words of wisdom to impart, the advice in Marry Him feels more down to earth, authentic, reasonable, and easier to implement...

Incidentally, this book has caused quite a stir amongst females. I cannot say that I am surprised. The author gets a chance to voice her opinion about those up in arms and defend her work here.

In other news:

I relapsed on the quit for a few days and started over on Sunday night. I will be done Day 3 of this quit in about 3 hours. So far these three days have been easier than the last first three days. I hope it stays that way.

I reconnected with the old friend I had to take a break from a while back. We shall see how that goes.

The weight battle is a bit of a write off at present with the quitting battle taking precedence. However, I am still trying to increase the amount of exercise I've been getting and not give into every food whim in place of a cigarette.

Work has been rather slow. I am currently in central for a few days (I got booked out here for tomorrow and Friday before the holidays) and looking forward to getting back to town already. Next week I plan to go hit some more schools to try and drum up more sub calls.

Monday Afternoon Mashup

2012-01-16T14:28:00.000-03:30

On the work front:
I was starting to second guess myself and get really worried about my decision to come back to town last week...especially after talking to my mother and being told I'd missed a couple of calls for work. However, I ended up getting 2 1/2 days in here afterwards. That is a good start, considering. I also have an audition on Thursday. I haven't been to an audition in a while now. Could be interesting...

On the smoking front:
This is Day 8. I had one slip on Day 5 and smoked a cigarette. The whole time, I was analyzing my physical and psychological reaction to it. It was not nearly as enjoyable as I remembered, yet as soon as I was done the urge was there to have another one. I fought it. And now, according to Quitnet, I have NOT smoked 60 cigarettes (minus that one it doesn't know about...shhhh!). That sounds like a helluva lot, but in actuality I was not a heavy smoker. Crazy when you consider what numbers a pack-a-day smoker would be looking at at this point.

On the dating front:
I'm still spending time with the guy who started out as a friend. I had intended to just go with it and see where it led, but I realized that I was actually putting pressure on myself to figure out whether it was going anywhere or not. I'm more than a little gun-shy after all my previous experiences...I'm scared and I don't want to waste any time. And because he does seem like a decent guy, I want to be clear about my own intentions so as not to hurt him or use him to fill a void or lead him on in any way. There are other factors to consider, as well, and I am confused. I have been honest with him about all of that...and he is still here. So, I have decided to stop stressing about this. Really, it hasn't been that long since I started looking at him as more than a friend, and these things do take time. Perhaps it is more than a tad unrealistic to think that I would know right away whether or not I can see any long term potential with someone. After all, I have felt certain that other situations I've been in were going somewhere and I have been dead wrong. And, as I've said time and again, I'm actually not in any rush to jump into anything serious anyway. So why not just enjoy spending time with someone I care about, and who cares about me, and not worry about anything else for the time being?

In other news:
I have been continuing to work on reclaiming my space. I am also making it a priority to increase the amount of exercise I get and reconnect with people I've been neglecting. In theory, all those things should bring more fulfillment. Yay for 2012 and yay for me!

Day One Conquered

2012-01-09T22:53:00.000-03:30

Since 6am when my eyes popped open, I have been obsessed with wanting to have a cigarette. There was a three hour reprieve when I was at work this morning, and the rest of the time I have been practically living on Quitnet. I thought I had the afternoon and evening covered, but my plans went out the window (through a series of events out of my control) and so did my cool, calm, collected self and my resolve to stay smoke-free. I felt irritated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, let down, not in control, and afraid. So afraid, in fact, that I couldn't trust myself to drive across town as my Plan B to see a friend or my brother and possibly go for a walk (which I thought would help me feel better) because I was certain I would cave and buy a pack of cigarettes the moment I went through the door with the high stress level and vulnerability I was experiencing.

I am not gonna lie, it was not pretty there for a while. I spent about three hours in an escalating state of panic and snotting and bawling like an emotional basket case. Which in turn made me feel like a pathetic weakling and I cried harder with the sense of impending failure and hatred of myself for not being stronger and more composed. I remember being emotional the first time I quit, but I didn't remember it hitting this intensely so soon in the quit. It also irked me that the friend who wanted to quit the least has been having the easiest time of it today.

Thankfully, I got myself to a chat room where supportive fellow quitters were ready and willing to get me through. They kept tabs on me, encouraged me, reassured me, checked on me, gave me their tips, tricks, and words of wisdom, made me laugh, consoled me, comforted me, soothed me, told me what I have been experiencing is normal...they commiserated with me, stayed with me, kept me with them, and helped me hang in there until I was strong enough to leave and they assured me that they would be there should I find myself needing them later. How wonderful is that? And so, eventually, I was able to take the Nicorette inhaler out of my mouth, where it had been hanging haphazardly and being chewed and puffed on intermittently, throw the wadded up ball of tissues in the trash can, clean up my blotched and tear stained face, and sign out.

The relief and excitement of making it into Day Two (which feels like a huge accomplishment at this point, I gotta say) combined with the humble gratitude for the help I was embarrassed to need but glad to receive allowed me to breathe a little easier and gave me renewed faith that I can do this. I made a list of reasons to keep my quit (which I plan to keep on hand and review frequently), I have plans to make a list of distractions for when the intense cravings hit again, and I have bookmarked more websites to explore. Happily, my eyes are no longer puffy and bloodshot. My hope now is that I will be able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a little easier than today.

Quit Day

2012-01-09T12:53:00.000-03:30

It is now 12:45 pm and my last cigarette was 8:30ish last night. It wasn't too bad getting through the night (popcorn, reading, writing, water, and TV helped) or the morning once I was actually at work...before that was basically a blur of cigarette obsession from the moment my eyes opened until I was through the doors at the building...and that is what I am once again experiencing now. I just ate and this would be a routine time to have a smoke. It's all I can think about. In fact, I'm typing this in the hopes that keeping my fingers busy may help. I'm half afraid to check and see how the girls are doing, but I sent them messages asking how Day One is going so far. No responses as of yet. I wonder if their inner addicts are pressuring them to cave, already, too? One hour at a time, I suppose...

Anxiety

2012-01-08T21:40:00.000-03:30

As previously noted, I had selected January 10th to be my quit smoking date. That has changed. I went out with my smoker friends tonight and it turns out they have also decided it is time. I'm not sure if that will make it easier or tougher. On the one hand, we will all be going through the same thing together...on the other, there is a risk that someone may not make it out alive with all the emotional upheaval caused by withdrawal. I remember those feelings well and am not looking forward to experiencing them again, but I know the payoff will be greater than the temporary discomfort.

Anyway, long story short, I decided to smoke what I had left and start the week without cigarettes (I actually find it more appealing to not stop mid-week for some reason, a fact that my inner addict was using to try and convince me to prolong the smoking until next Monday rather than stop on a Tuesday).

The problem is, I am working tomorrow morning for the first time in a while at a school I haven't been to in about a year and that makes me nervous. The thought of getting up and going there with no cigarette fix and leaving without having one afterwards is stressful for me right now. However, thanks to WiseWebWoman, who helpfully introduced me to Quitnet, I have had support off and on all day while trying to mentally prepare for this farewell. And a lot of those words of wisdom and encouragement from former smokers reminded me of something I had forgotten: the fear of quitting is often worse than quitting itself in some respects.

I just hope I can sleep tonight because I will be needing my rest for tomorrow...

Relief

2012-01-08T15:41:00.000-03:30

Journal has turned up safe and sound. I am one very relieved and thankful girl. Lesson reaffirmed: trust in myself. I may overlook things once in a while (such as checking the same place 3 times before finding my precious soul extension), but I'm not careless enough to leave it somewhere it's depths could be plundered.

Panic

2012-01-08T15:20:00.002-03:30

So I was going to write in my journal today...and then I realized that it is evidently on the missing list. NOT GOOD. My mind is racing, trying to think of where it may be. It's not like me to be careless with something so personal and revealing. That book chronicles my experiences and details my innermost thoughts and feelings...it's like an extension of my soul. I shudder to think who may read and what they may discover and am praying it turns up somewhere in my apartment, safe from prying eyes...

In other news, I blew the quit plan to smithereens and I have two days left before the 10th. The addiction is starting to play with my brain. It's trying to convince me to make deals with myself that I know I will break. I'm reaching deep inside to find the necessary resolve and rise above it.

Wish me luck, on both counts!

Envy

2012-01-07T13:59:00.000-03:30

I was wasting time on facebook and stumbled across some pictures posted by an acquaintance of mine. I experienced mixed emotions looking at them...vicarious joy and wonder at her experiences (this woman is amazing and very well rounded), inspiration to go out there, grab life by the balls, and start LIVING, regret that I didn't get to know her better while I was in the same vicinity, envy that I didn't get to do any of those things myself whilst on the other side of the country (or at all, in some cases), longing for BC, and the sad realization that looking at glimpses of someone else's life was making me view my own as empty, mundane, and devoid of excitement and fulfillment.

Thankfully, I had the sense to get outta there instead of stay and wallow in self-pity. But before I left, I sent her a positive message to counteract the negativity attempting to creep in. I also told myself that comparing my own life to someone else's is futile. We are all our own people, we have our own personalities and our own paths to travel. My time will come. I am putting the steps in place to eventually reconcile my dreams with my reality. I just have to remember to keep working towards what I want and not let discouragement, anxiety and fear stop me in my tracks any more than they already have. I also have to account for the fact that her income is much higher than mine at present and, much as money can't buy happiness, it is a requisite for a lot of activities. So, again, renewed determination to go for progress and stability this year. I have been booked for work Monday morning...that is a start. I also came to the conclusion, once again, that I need to broaden my circle of friends. If you continue to mix with the same small group of people, chances are you are never going to meet anyone new or be introduced to new and different things. I need those opportunities to experience increased diversity. It's time to step outside of my comfort zone once again and see what happens...

Up and Running

2012-01-04T14:39:00.000-03:30

I'm quite proud of myself. I have so far devised a quit plan, made a list of schools to hit (8 of which I visited today), printed off resumes, and cleaned and tidied a couple more little sections of my apartment. I am oozing positivity and good vibes and I love it :) I think I may have finally regained my balance. Here's hoping I can keep it and make it work for me!

Reflection

2012-01-01T12:31:00.000-03:30

So this is it...the first day of 2012. I must admit, there is a shift in me today...but I think it's one that has been formulating inside for quite some time. It doesn't feel like anything monumental. Just another day. But an opportunity to make a new start and get off on the right foot. I'm glad that I'm not hungover today. New Year's Eve was less than thrilling and I came home from the Sheraton at 10am-ish this morning. But I'm happy. There was no kiss at midnight, I barely danced, and I hardly drank...in fact, I didn't even have anything to sip on to toast and yell "CHEERS!" when the countdown ended...but I was with my girls. New memories were created and the most obscure encounters of the evening stirred some kind of deeper understanding in me. When the New Year was rung in, we were standing on the dance floor - together. It also feels good to be able to function right now...I've unpacked my bag, done the dishes, and started laundry since arriving chez moi. Mundane? Totally. Yet also satisfying. It's better than being sick or just going to bed and sleeping the day away. I feel older, wiser, and there is a sense of accomplishment inherent in not having a kick ass time on the biggest party night of the year, but still being able to appreciate it for what it was.

2011 was a great learning experience. There were lots of fun times and lots of not so fun times. I found myself living it up and making up for the loss of my social life in my 20s and I also found myself drowning in my own sorrows on more than one occasion, lost and drifting in an endless sea of uncertainty. There was excitement and there was heartbreak. I didn't accomplish a lot of the things I had wished to, but I did come into my own a little more on the inside. Here's hoping 2012 brings more progress and stability my way...and brings you whatever it is that you would like to have in your own life. May it be kind to us all.

PS: I have decided that January 10th will be my quit smoking date. The weaning starts today.

Dear Santa

2011-12-28T12:03:00.000-03:30

I know you couldn't leave what I want most under the tree, but I really hope you see fit to deliver it at some point this year. In fact, that would be very much appreciated.

The Driver's Seat

2011-12-23T17:03:00.000-03:30

I've come to realize, yet again, that I've been on cruise control for far too long. It's time to re-evaluate my position, figure out what it is that I want, take myself off auto-pilot and go get it. Wish me luck. I'm very conflicted right now in many areas and I think I may really need it. The clock is ticking...

Dear Blog

2011-12-12T13:22:00.000-03:30

I am having a very frustrating and stressful day, and I feel completely and utterly alone...

On the work front, I am not doing as well with subbing in central as I had hoped to this time around, and I don't want to be out here anyway...so I decided to go back to town after the holidays and give it a go in there again. However, a position was just posted that I may have a shot at getting...in central. Since I am in a very real bind financially, being owed money from EI, health insurance, and the school board (and being unable to reach anyone to remedy those things) and being penniless and living in my overdraft at present, this creates a real dilemma for me. I have an interview to see if I qualify for the French sublists in the Eastern District, but I'm not sure how long it will take before I find out. Being approved would up my chances of getting decent sub time in there, I think, but it's never guaranteed. I'm seriously nervous and afraid I won't make it, though. I haven't been actively practicing speaking or writing in French in years and this is majorly intimidating for me. I have no idea what to expect, except that it includes some written and some oral. And whether I do make it or not, I still don't know if I will get enough work to pay the bills and keep myself afloat. So...make more sacrifices to my life and happiness for my finances...or not? You can't really live without money, but making money and not living makes no sense either. Being an adult sucks, sometimes.

Which brings me to the holidays. Last year I pretty much had a meltdown there for a bit contemplating my first one solo in quite some time. This year it's worse in the fact that I can't afford to even get presents for my immediate family, let alone any token for my friends or anyone else. I feel pretty crappy about that, even though I know it's not supposed to be all about monetary stuff. It's just another sad reminder of the state I'm in. When is it going to get better? I ask myself that almost daily at this point...sigh...

As far as dating goes, I'm not really sure what's on the go. I've been contacted by a number of men, but I haven't really been bothering to respond much. I'm just so tired of the flavour of the week/month scene. Don't get me wrong, it was a ton of fun there for a while and I wouldn't trade my experiences or the learning that resulted from them. But I've been unsettled in my career and my love life for long enough now. I would just like some stability, please. I don't know if I will be seeing the guy from this summer or not over the holidays...take it as it comes, I suppose. Likewise with the friend with the blurry lines. I think it's safe to say we are no longer solely in friendship territory, and I'm trying not to analyze and just go with it, but it's difficult. I don't want to hurt or be hurt and I don't know if he's who I've been looking for or not, so it's a struggle. I don't want to put time and effort into anything that's not going anywhere, but it takes time to figure that out and I don't want to write him off just yet. The more I get to know him the better he looks to me, in a lot of ways, despite my reservations. I like him and I care about him and I find myself thinking of him and missing him more often. On the other hand, it feels like the same ol' same ol' in that now that I'm catching up in that department, he seems to be backing off somewhat. Oh, and the friend of a friend who disappeared on me back in September, never to be heard from again? He is apparently moving to town, now. For some reason, this bothers me. I didn't care when I heard he was dating again, but knowing we will be in closer proximity to each other and there's a chance I may run into him doesn't sit well with me.

Finally, my weight appears to be on the upswing since the summer ended. Not too happy about that and hoping to change it pronto. Also hoping to change being a smoker again. I'm not happy about that either, and haven't been since I picked it back up. It makes no sense. But it's where I'm at and I'll save you from the whole ranting spiel I could go into there and simply say I hope to find the motivation, determination, and discipline to kick it soon.

Long story short, I am feeling incredibly down and confused and a lot of things are getting to me, although I know things could be a lot worse. I'm home alone and everyone I would normally talk to is unavailable for some reason or other at present. I'm sure I'll be fine, and I know there are a lot worse things I could have to contend with and I'm very lucky I don't have them on my plate...but I really need a hug right now and just to be told that everything is going to be OK.

Month of the Booty Call

2011-11-29T19:58:00.000-03:30

It would appear that November is officially find a FWB month. I say this because a number of men from my past have suddenly reappeared looking to re-establish contact, chat and/or hang out with me and I'm pretty sure that's what all of them are looking for. Since late October, I've heard from the guy I was dating when I first moved home, the guy with the girlfriend, the married guy, the 41 year old, one of the 26 year olds from last year (who is now 27), and one of the guys I dated last winter. There are a couple of new ones who are just as transparent. I've made it clear I'm not in the market for that, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. It's kind of annoying, actually, so I've cut communication with the majority of them. I suppose I could be flattered that I could actually compose a list of potential f*** buddies...but I tend to find it more tiring than anything...and more than a tad insulting, to be honest.

I've also heard from the 28 year old I went on a couple of dates with this summer who went back to Nova Scotia. He actually seemed legit and will be coming home in December for a while...and there's an incredibly sweet guy I have been talking to since September and have hung out with several times. We were treating it as a friendship, but this weekend the lines got a little blurred. I'm not sure how I feel about that and I've been straight with him about my confusion. I dunno...see how it plays out, I suppose.

In other news, I'm in central subbing and going stir crazy. The original plan was to go back to St. John's ASAP when my contract ended...then it became stay out here until the holidays and give it a go in town when school starts up again in January but I honestly don't know if I can take it. It's so hard to know what to be doing in terms of career and finances. It's times like this I wonder if I would've been better off sticking it out in BC solo. But I can't regret being able to see friends and family and all the experiences I've had since coming home. Hopefully time will sort it all out for me. Although it feels like I've been in this boat way too long and not much has changed. Frustration, anyone?

A Long Overdue Update

2011-11-13T14:28:00.000-03:30

October was craziness, pure and simple. I was finishing up my work contract and it consumed my life. I was also sorting through the remnants of what happened with the last Mr. Not So Spectacular. I'm happy to say I got past it entirely, finally.

November has been busy for a different reason. I've been back in town; catching up with friends and family and dating up a storm, as well as trying to set myself up for future work. I've met a couple of interesting guys, but I'm not sure if anything will go anywhere and, frankly, I don't care one way or the other at this point. Whatever happens, happens. I am getting better at weeding out the ones who are not what I'm looking for, so that's a plus.

In other news, I've also booked a long overdue trip off this island. I'll be meeting my cousin in New York for 5 days in May. Should be fun.

It's hard to be back in this boat - unemployed and uncertain of anything from day to day (the two month replacement was nice in that at least I knew what was going on in that time frame). I am keeping my fingers crossed and starting to send up some prayers that I hope will be answered, favourably, in the not too distant future.

Happy Turkey Day

2011-10-09T10:20:00.000-02:30

Tis the season to count blessings, so here are a few of my gratitude inducers:

A wonderful family and great friends, all - thankfully - mostly healthy

The job I have until the end of the month

Having all my basic needs met and many wants besides

My own health being intact and still possessing all my senses and limbs and being able to use them

Having had the opportunity to earn two university degrees

Being aware of, and having the ability to appreciate, the wonders and beauty that surround me in everyday life

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope it is most enjoyable for you and yours, wherever you may be :).

Busy Bee

2011-09-29T20:47:00.000-02:30

Work has been consuming me for the most part, and I have not been keeping up with the blog, amongst other things. I thought I would take a moment and do a quick update to remedy that a little...

So, first off, work: as previously stated, it's been quite busy. I am trying my best to stay afloat, but I am sometimes overcome with stress and anxiety and a feeling that no matter how hard I try and how many hours I put in, I can't seem to get ahead. I just hope I'm making some kind of progress and not spinning my wheels to no avail. In any event, it is nice to know where I am going each morning and have some (albeit temporary) stability in my professional life.

I never heard from the friend of a friend first or last after the last post. However, three other men from my past cropped up out of nowhere over the past couple of weeks: one asked me point blank if I wanted to get together and have sex (and if that wasn't bad enough, when I refused his offer, he accused me of being bitter over the way we ended and was a total pig to the point that I asked him not to ever contact me again), one claimed to miss me and want to spend time with me and asked if we can get together next time I'm in town (I was skeptical to begin with, and then I got the vibe that his intention was to try and get laid as well - he wasn't blatant or disrespectful at all, but I'm not into that and so I was rather unresponsive and vague), and the third professed to be head over heels for me (which I don't think is possible since I've never met him in person and he is in a relationship with someone else and that makes him off limits to me as far as I'm concerned...even though he doesn't see it that way). In addition to those three strike-outs, there is a new prospect on the scene. He is younger than me (26), but seems to be mature and sensible and is able to carry a good conversation. We shall see what happens.

My social life is pretty much non-existent, as I'm living with the parents during the week still, recently had bouts of bronchitis and laryngitis (which I still haven't fully recovered from), and have not been to town for a couple of weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen when my contract is up at the end of October...I've been keeping my apartment for now, but am unsure how long I can rationally continue to do that. I am quite looking forward to a time in the (hopefully not so distant) future when I will be somewhat settled and no longer living in limbo.

All in all, things are alright - it's good to be employed and I'm re-embracing singlehood for the time being :)

Crash and Burn

2011-09-12T21:08:00.000-02:30

The friend of a friend and I fell into talking every day again. We got together last Monday and had a fabulous time. I drove to see him and spend the night this Friday. But something had changed. He wasn't the same. And it left me feeling empty. So Saturday night I gave him a spiel about how I couldn't handle seeing him when he was mourning someone else and how when he is whole again if he wants me he can come find me and we'll see where I'm at then. However, his response (which was basically to accept it and say he was still messed up but knew when the time is right it could happen with us and that he doesn't expect me to wait for him) was underwhelming and made me re-evaluate everything. I was hurt and I got angry. The anger was still there when I woke up this morning and this afternoon I decided to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation - that if he was in shock over what had happened with her, he was blind because there's no way it should have come as a shock. That if he truly meant what he had said about his feelings for me, I wouldn't have had to seek reassurance and that if he had truly wanted me then or now he would've fought for me. That I had been feeling so empty after going to see him that I debated leaving him a note and taking off in the middle of the night (which is totally out of character for me), that I felt stupid for believing him and allowing myself be vulnerable to him. He didn't say anything. His response was to delete me from his contact list. I cannot believe he would do something so immature. I texted him the rest of what I was going to say...which was basically that he obviously isn't my guy and that I have no one to blame but myself for getting so caught up when I knew the state he was in and I did it anyway. And so now the hurt is intensified and the emptiness is back full force. I don't know how to make this right for myself. And yet throughout the sick feeling I am experiencing, I still want to reach out to him and see if he's OK. I want to apologize for being harsh...even though all I did was speak my mind and he is the one who wasn't an adult about it. But I don't think contacting him again is wise right now. What to do....?

Sunday Morning Update

2011-09-04T10:31:00.000-02:30

So...in my world, a lot has happened. In a nutshell, I met a really great guy who became totally smitten with me but who also was only here for a limited time and is now headed back to Nova Scotia until December, most likely. He made reference a few times to me coming to Nova Scotia before then for a visit and how it would be awesome if we are both single when he gets back and if that's the case he'd love to get together again.

I am back in contact with the friend of a friend again. His ex girlfriend is not coming after all and they are not going to try again. I have mixed feelings about this. I was just starting to feel alive again and move past it when all of this came about. The feelings are still there and I want to take the opportunity and explore the connection the way we couldn't before, but I am also somewhat hesitant and perhaps a little resentful of the way everything unfolded. I'm being cautious and trying to keep a guard on my heart for now. We have to get together and talk about some things and I guess we'll see what happens from there.

AND in other news: I finally have a job!!!!! :D Well...it's only a two month replacement, but it's a start! It's unfamiliar territory, as well, in a lot of ways...so it's scary, stressful and exciting all at once. Fingers crossed I will survive and thrive and it will lead to bigger and better adventures and other employment opportunities...

What Are We Teaching Our Little Girls????

2011-09-03T14:24:00.000-02:30

A couple of things jumped out at me this week online...I found them quite disturbing for a multitude of reasons and could probably type for days on the matter but instead find myself quite speechless at the moment. This is just outrageous and unacceptable in today's society...or any society, for that matter! As a female who has always relied on her intelligence and has always travelled in circles of other females who do the same, I am just floored. Appalled, disgusted, shocked, you name it. Wow. WHY would anyone want to propagate these negative, moronic messages? Don't girls have enough crap to face growing up as it is???

First, there was the JCPenney issue, which Emma Waverman writes about here (I spotted it on my MSN homepage a few days ago and had to have a peek), and then I noticed a friend of mine had posted this on facebook, which notified me of the Toddlers and Tiaras issue. I'm just thankful I'm not the only one who is upset about this...

Sometimes Others Say It Best

2011-08-24T01:22:00.000-02:30

As were many Canadians, I was truly saddened by the loss of Jack Layton. On the NL BlogRoll circuit, the evidence is clear:

John Gushue posted this video from The National
WiseWebWoman offered this cartoon
ViewPoint2010 shared Jack's last words to Canadians
and Charlie wrote of his thoughts on Mr. Layton

As someone who is rarely interested in the political scene as much as I (perhaps) should be, there's not a whole lot I can talk about right now in that regard. What I can honestly say is that not many politicians make a really strong impression on me. Jack Layton is one of a select few who did. He inspired my respect, admiration, and thanks. He was a great man and will most definitely be missed.

Back To Life

2011-08-24T00:53:00.000-02:30

I am feeling alive today for the first time in over a week. It is the first day since "the end" that I didn't have to force myself every step of the way. I think that is a good sign, yes? I've also decided that some pampering is in order...so right now I'm sitting here with treatment in my hair and an oatmeal, milk and honey masque on my face after a nice, long soak in the tub with some Epsom salts and essential oils. Yep, it may hurt and I may miss him and the situation may totally not make sense to me or anyone else, but I'm tougher than all that and it's going to be OK...

On another note, I have a blind date on Thursday and have been chatting with a couple of other guys who have been helping distract me when things are slow and my mind needs occupying...or redirecting, whatever the case may be...

Heartsick Meanderings

2011-08-20T00:17:00.000-02:30

Today has been rough, yet again. I'm coming down with what feels like the flu and that only makes the missing worse. The one comfort I got today was in talking to my cousin, who told me that not even ten minutes after we talked on Sunday he ended up calling to talk to her husband (his brother). He expressed that he was having a tough time with the situation and hated that he had hurt me and asked how I was doing. She assured me that he had cared every bit as much as it had appeared he had...that I had done the right thing in responding the way I had, and that he will no doubt be spending the time until she comes doing some serious thinking. My cousin also commented that she doesn't think she's ever seen me like this over another man...that I usually bounce back fairly quickly and don't suffer this way. It's funny because I was pondering the same thing myself prior to our conversation. Have I ever felt this way? It certainly feels like a different kind of pain and loss than I remember experiencing before. Anyway, the goal for tomorrow is to try and recapture some sort of normalcy and productivity. Keeping busy seems to be as good a plan as any...So does trying to be in bed before 3am for the first time in a week...

Unexpected Acts of Kindness

2011-08-18T20:22:00.000-02:30

I went on a hike today with a couple of girlfriends. We chilled on the beach and frolicked in the ocean for a bit and took our time enjoying being amongst the trees on the trail on the way back. It was great. We saw a bald eagle and another creature we couldn't quite decide on...the consensus seemed to be either a seal or a sea lion or something. Upon our return to the car, I happened to notice an RCMP vehicle parked next to us...we speculated as to the cause, but none of us had any inkling of the actual reason...

As we approached, the officer (who was uber cute I might add) greeted us and asked for one of us specifically by name. It turns out she had lost her wallet at some point that day (completely unbeknownst to any of us) and a good samaritan had turned it in to the policeman. He, in turn, had driven down to the trail head and ran my other friend's license plate through the system when he saw her parked car. He came to the conclusion that since they have the same last name (they're sisters), perhaps we had come back to look for the wallet and so he waited for us.

Nothing was missing and, in fact, he even produced and returned the Pringles snack pack she had been missing on the hike and assumed she had left in the car. Life sure is strange and wonderful sometimes :)

Coping With The Aftermath

2011-08-18T02:35:00.001-02:30

In general, there is an emptiness...as if a piece of me is missing. Although a friend comfortingly pointed out that experiences shape the soul and if he is now a part of my soul he will always be with me in a way. That and a hot Portuguese marine who provided an excellent distraction got me through the past few days. Now it's back to real life and pushing myself to let go, move on, and get through this. I am coping fairly well, but everything feels very lackluster and mundane for the time being...

When It's Over

2011-08-14T11:34:00.000-02:30

I am coming to realize that writing about interactions with men on my blog is akin to giving them the kiss of death. I got the news this morning. She is coming. She has decided she wants to give it a try now that he has forced her hand and demanded a decision. He says he is not confident it will work, but has to know. He says he is riding a roller coaster of emotions and is torn between happiness and sadness. He says he has no regrets...that we connected for a reason and he hopes he will see it soon.

I saw it coming. I told myself to give it a chance and not run for a change. I told myself to live and experience and perhaps I would be the exception to the rule. I've seen this situation play out so many times with others....two people who seem to be so right for each other and make each other ecstatically happy and then one of them goes back to an ex who everyone thinks is wrong for them and the whole world says WTF?!?!?!? It was only a matter of time before I joined the statistics.

Monday I started to think perhaps I should cut ties and save my pride instead of taking the chance of being rejected. I proceeded to take a few steps back mentally and emotionally in a futile attempt to protect my heart. Tuesday I decided to enjoy it as long as I could and let fate decide. Wednesday I took a break from thinking and Thursday I was thankful for the magical evening we spent together. Which appears to have been the last.

My response to the news? "Cool. Well it's been fun. Good luck." There is so much I could say but I'm sure my brevity spoke volumes. The blotchy, tear-stained face and swollen eyelids are not for him to see. Let him think whatever he wants - that I'm dying inside, that I never cared to begin with, that I'm OK...what does it matter? I knew I would be the one to lose either way, despite his surety that any outcome for him would be bittersweet.

Reflection is my only recourse right now to try and make sense of it all. What have I learned from this? So many things that I cannot put it all together or formulate the words to describe them right now. But first and foremost: never get involved with someone who's heart is not completely free to be yours (which I already knew but tried to ignore) no matter how much they claim to care about you.

I wonder if he told her about me in the end? I didn't have the heart to ask...I don't know if I want to know...

Whirlwind

2011-08-12T19:54:00.000-02:30

The past two weeks have flown by. So much has happened and I have barely had any time to think...At the crux of this time and need for processing is the fact that I have met someone...the new new guy...the old new guy sort of disappeared without a trace or an explanation. He went on vacation to his family home with the message that he would be in contact and was looking forward to getting together with me again when he got back. And that was the last I heard of him. It's been about 2 weeks.

2 weeks ago today I went to a get together my cousin and her husband were having (they were home on vacation as well). Her brother in law was there and the attraction was instantaneous and mutual...which neither of us realized until the next day when my cousin spoke to him and later gave me his number to contact him (apparently he was kicking himself for not approaching me and didn't believe her when she said I had felt the same).

To make a long story short, we got in contact and haven't stopped talking since. We've gone on a number of dates and spent some incredible time together. We get each other. There is something insanely powerful between us and we both feel as if we've known each other for years. I could go on and on, but you get the point. It's amazing.

There is, however, a problem (of course). He moved back to the island in May with the promise to his then girlfriend of 7 years that she could take her time and decide whether or not to move here with him. She changed her mind one way and the other a few times and so he told her that in the interim perhaps they should just behave as if they were both single.

...and then he met me. He was upfront and honest with me from the get-go and neither of us expected this connection or these feelings. It's hard. We have both talked about waiting until he knows what's what vs enjoying each other while we can. My pride is hurting. He is torn. It's a mess. I have no idea what is going to happen or when I will know. I am kicking myself for being in this situation. But I wonder if I would kick myself more if I said goodbye. He has contacted her and told her that she needs to decide what she's doing because he needs to move on with his life either way, but he feels that he owes it to her to try if she wants to after so much time together. I cannot justify spending time with someone and growing feelings for each other when everything hinges on what a third party decides. He isn't choosing me right now...which makes me a very stupid girl for sticking around. But this feels like it may be a once in a lifetime thing. How do I walk away from that before I have to? And how can he stay on a string for someone else when he feels the same? My cousin is convinced he is in love with us both. I am inclined to agree, although the words have not been spoken...and I could very easily let myself go and fall in love with him as well but I am holding back in a futile attempt to protect myself while still enjoying his company. The feelings are there but I hesitate to acknowledge or label them. So for now it's a day at a time until I figure out what I need to say and do to reconcile everything for myself and be OK. In the meantime, who knows what her decision will be or when she will deliver it? Sigh...the universe certainly works in strange, mysterious and frustrating ways sometimes...

There is one thing I do know...everything for a reason. If he isn't my happily ever after (and I don't see how he could be given the situation, although it certainly feels like it has the potential to go that way) then it only means we were meant to learn something from each other and there is something better waiting for us both down the road. I am thankful for the time we have spent together and for being given this opportunity to get to know each other. I have no regrets so far and neither does he. I hope it stays that way.

The New Guy

2011-07-28T02:18:00.000-02:30

Could it be? Have I finally found a decent guy to date? It would appear so, but I'm hesitant to say for sure just yet. Tonight was supposed to be date number three in the past five days, but he had to cancel due to family obligations (with the request that we reschedule if possible...I shall find out tomorrow what's going on there)...still, that's a lot more frequently than I usually see new guys. Of course, it could just be because he is going on vacation for a bit soon and I haven't had many plans this week so it's been easy to fit him in. So far he seems really nice and he's been a perfect gentleman. The initial awkwardness of meeting someone new dissipated rather quickly and by date number two I was totally comfortable. I'm looking forward to seeing him again...he's not what I'm usually attracted to in the looks department, but there's just something about him. He has a warm and brilliant smile, penetrating eyes, and a calm demeanor. I want to learn more about him. He has also totally respected my space. He asked before hugging me and he hasn't tried to kiss me or touch me in any other way. How refreshing is it to not have to create barriers and concoct evasive strategies to head off groping and mauling? Admittedly, not all guys are like that...I guess I've just been extra lucky to have been in the company of many who have necessitated honing my techniques as an escape artist. I must admit, though, I am kind of curious now how kissing him might be...his arm brushed against mine in the movie theatre and, corny as it sounds, it was actually kind of electrifying...I can't help but wonder if he felt that, too...?

Live Each Day Like It's Your Last

2011-07-26T03:12:00.000-02:30

I had some sad news today...a close friend of my family died of a heart attack at work. I didn't really know him well...but he was my father's best friend and has been a friend of my mother's for the past 40 years, as well as several of my other family members and they are all shocked and upset by his sudden passing. His daughters used to babysit my brother and me when we were younger. And I had always meant to have a sit down with him and talk about my father (who died when I was really young). I figured who else to get some insight from than his former best friend? A couple of years ago I ran into him during the holidays and the thought crossed my mind that I should do it then - but the timing and the setting were not right. I thought I'd wait for a better time. I waited too long.

Childhood, Revisted

2011-07-23T12:34:00.000-02:30

My cousin and her son stayed over at my apartment last night. After putting him to bed, we caught up over a few glasses of wine. It was really nice... once I had filled her in on the goings on in my life, she suggested that I had probably hurt the Cheating Bastard badly...honestly? The thought had never occurred to me before...

This morning, while she was getting ready, her son and I cuddled up on the sofa bed in our jammies under the blankets and watched Saturday morning cartoons with our stuffed animals (one of mine and several of his haha) before breakfast. I dunno if I'm all about the newer ones, but Teletoon Retro was good times :) It is so good to be a kid again sometimes!

Strange Propositions

2011-07-21T19:41:00.000-02:30

A couple of days ago I got a message on the dating site...it was an offer to strip for me...or for me and my friends, if I'd prefer - for free, of course...the fulfillment of someone else's fantasy. I started to reflect on other questions and offers I've received over the past - what? - year now. There was the request to be in a threesome with a man and his wife, the query as to whether I'd be down with gagging a man with my bare hands, the countless married or otherwise attached men looking for discreet fun, the man who told me to run in the other direction because he is addicted to porn...and on and on...Which got me thinking: do the people who share these things so quickly with random strangers ever actually intend to act on them? Or is the thrill in the shock value of the message itself and the possibility of some online interaction based around the imagined scenario? Seriously...Newfoundland and St. John's are not exactly big, densely populated places. Chances are, if you acted on those things you wouldn't be able to keep the encounters anonymous or secret for long, if at all. People might want to consider that before sharing too much info on the net...just sayin'...

Unexpected Compliments

2011-07-18T12:50:00.000-02:30

Most of my life, I lacked confidence and self-esteem. Thankfully, that has been steadily improving over the past few years...with no thanks to my exes, who were really not big on compliments. I've come to realize that compliments are important. But only if they are sincere. That was always my problem...I never bought the sincerity of the complimenter in question when it came to me. But I make it a habit to always compliment people sincerely whenever I notice something positive. It might be that I like their smile or hair...it could be that the colour they are wearing suits them or the cut of their clothes is flattering...perhaps it's that they have a comforting presence or a nice voice...but whatever positive it is that I notice, I try to share it. What better way to create some feel good vibes for yourself than by making someone else feel good?

I'm getting better at distinguishing between BS and heartfelt compliments that I am given and accepting them gracefully instead of immediately dismissing them the way I was always wont to do. I guess it was the inability to think highly of myself or believe that anyone else could either.

I digress...

Last night I went to a wedding. I bought a new red dress and borrowed some jewelry from my cousin. I wore my black strappy sandals. I left my hair au natural and spent a little extra time on my makeup. I felt good. And after a few drinks I loosened up on the dance floor and started enjoying myself. A beautiful blonde woman made a point of dancing over to me to tell me I was stunning. I was blown away - I had been thinking the same thing about her. It felt so good to have a total stranger with no agenda say that to me. I thanked her with heartfelt sincerity and returned the compliment. It's nice to be secure enough to compliment others but it's also nice to be secure enough to accept them.

Conversations in the Dark

2011-07-16T22:26:00.002-02:30

Me: hi

Cheating Bastard: [blank stare]

Me: no hard feelings, OK?

CB: [pause] since when?

Me: since whenever, man

CB: [with questioning look] why?

Me: because you lied to me and I don't appreciate being lied to.

CB [confused shrug and headshake]

Me: you @$%&ed up. All you had to do was tell the truth.

CB: Man, honestly, I don't have anything to say to you

Me: That's fine. I just saw you and I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to interfere with your night and I expect the same. OK?

CB: [uncertain nod]

Me: K. Have fun

CB: [another uncertain nod]

Me: [smile, turn, walk away]

...and now I wonder why I didn't ask why...but his expression told me that he did get what he deserved...
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: in every break up there is a winner and a loser. Usually the winner wins by a tiny margin. You won by a landslide. He will never forget you and he will never get over this...well...he might get 90% over it, but someday 30 years down the road he's gonna be married and he's gonna be sitting on the couch and his wife's gonna be out somewhere and he's gonna be thinking of you. Guys don't show vulnerability like that either. For him to come out and ask you why...it's been eating at him.

Me: you really think so?

K: Absolutely.
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: [unexpectedly kisses me]

Me: OK, this is awkward. I'm sorry, I can't do this.

K: why's that?

Me: [thinking...ruling out possible answers] I'm just not in a good place right now (partial truth after earlier run in with CB).

K: that's cool.

Me: K. Good. You seem like a good guy and all and I'm sorry for making you feel awkward, but I just can't.

K: that's alright [hugs me]

Me: Well I think I'm going to head home.

K: Really? Well I think you're really cool and I'd like you to stay. We don't have to do anything.

Me: Thanks...but I'm calling a cab and I'm gonna go home (translation: I wasn't born yesterday and I know damned well if I stay you're gonna try).

K: You're gonna leave me here with them?

Me: yup. 'fraid so.

K: The cab won't be here for a little while though...[tries to kiss me again]

Me: No, seriously. I'm going. Later. Have a good night. [all but dashing through the door with my sandals undone]

KISSing The Weekend Away

2011-07-11T19:09:00.001-02:30

This weekend brought more last minute plans for moi. My brother, his girlfriend, and some friends were heading to Grand Falls-Windsor for Salmon Fest, which they had been planning for months. I was set to attend a family gathering. However, at the 11th hour, my baby bro called and issued another invite with the incentive of a reduced price ticket he had discovered online. After some consideration, I decided what the hell...you only live once and how many more opportunities will I ever have to see KISS?

Needless to say, the trip was filled with many adventures. We spent a sleepless night at Red Cliff (which they were told was a totally different site but which actually only had a new name) followed by an early morning decision to uproot and look elsewhere for better accommodations. We figured the chances of finding somewhere were slim to none, but were determined not to spend another night at the campsite dealing with the behaviour that was going on and were wracking our brains for some solution over breakfast. Don't get me wrong, it started out as a great atmosphere and we were having a grand time, but with the wee hours also came raiding and escalated rowdiness in our area and by 7am we had had enough. When we told a local waitress of our plight, she initially had no suggestions to offer. However, she later came back and gave us her address so that we could relocate to her backyard. We tipped her very generously and headed over to set up camp.

After a few unsuccessful hours of trying to catch some Zs in the heat, we got showered up, had a barbecue and a few drinks before heading to the concert. Our hosts had very graciously given us a key to their house in case we got back before them and needed to use the washroom or anything, which was, again, much appreciated.

We made it to Centennial Field partway through Smashmouth's set and got situated in the crowd. We bypassed the beer tent with it's insane line ups in favour of enjoying the tunes we paid to see. The rain started as KISS hit the stage and we were soaked to the skin by the time they finished up, but KISS delivered and every uncomfortable rain drenched second was worth it. In fact, we didn't really notice at all until we walked back to the tents in a veritable river, freezing to death and wringing our clothes as we went, our fingers and toes shrivelled like prunes. We actually took turns changing into dry clothes in our hosts' woodshed with a flashlight and making mad dashes to the tents...which were a little damp but a lot better than anticipated as we trudged there to inspect the damage with high hopes and low expectations.

Early Sunday morning we balled everything up, threw it into the vehicles and headed back, stopping in Gander for a bite to eat along the way. We left our hosts with an anniversary present and a thank you card and took with us the memories and the gratitude for the unexpected, above and beyond human kindness and hospitality we had been shown.

Oh, and the guy from the other night? He was there as well. We had a bit of a thing going on Friday night, but he went his own way Saturday night. It's a little odd, as he is friends with my brother and that has made it a little awkward for both of us in the situations we've been in so far. When we said our goodbyes we did it as any other acquaintances would do, as if we hadn't been making out like teenagers every chance we got to be alone together both nights we were in each other's company. I'm not really sure how one goes about navigating these types of situations and so I just kind of acted as if nothing had transpired between us and he did the same...although I'm pretty sure we got busted a few times by our companions. I guess time will tell if anything becomes of it, but I'm not holding my breath. It was fun while it lasted and he seems like a nice guy, but I also think he's very much still in a playing the field frame of mind. And hey, if nothing else, I'm really learning to embrace spontaneity, prepare for things on a moment's notice, and being reminded not to get prematurely wrapped up in men. That's all got to count for something and I'm having a kick ass summer so far!

Surprise Encounter

2011-07-07T14:23:00.000-02:30

So...the real world threw me a bone, so to speak...although on second thought that sounds like it has far too many sexual connotations haha. I went to my baby brother's last night and had a few drinks with him, his girlfriend, and a few of his friends from college....one of whom is kinda cute and happened to put the makes on me partway through the night. There was some chemistry there and we talked and laughed a bit. Who knows if I'll ever see him again, but it was nice to break the real world dry spell that's been ongoing since Marchish (although somewhat self-inflicted). I'm just gonna take it for what it was at this point and try not to read anything into anything. We shall see...

Late Night Goings On

2011-07-06T14:08:00.000-02:30

Note to self: hitting enter on facebook does not offer a break in text...it sends messages. Just like the one I unintentionally sent The Labradorian late last night/early this morning in an indignant fit of frustration. I had intended to compose the message, read it over, make any necessary adjustments, and ensure that I was saying what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. Instead, he got the message "Can I ask you something? Out of curiosity, are you treating me the way you normally treat your friends? Because somehow I don't think so." Sigh. Well I guess at least it's concise and to the point (if perhaps a little more abrupt than I usually am)...and really, if he can't figure out what I meant by that 'it's not much odds.' This is all a result of the fact that he said he wanted me to keep in touch...that he wanted to be friends (which is one of the options I put forth in that ridiculous, embarrassing, gut-wrenching email I sent him)...that he wanted to keep talking and be able to ask me how my day was...yet his responsiveness has been sporadic at best and insulting at worst. It's confusing. How can someone be so sweet and come off as such a great guy then act like a total ass (in the nicest way possible, of course...by being pleasant as punch but not following through on calling when they say they are going to, etc).

I'm looking at my words and I realize how silly they are. It's classic behaviour. I just have to beat it into my head that he's not who I thought he was and no matter what he says, his behaviour shows that he's just not into me on any level anymore and really has no interest in being friends and continuing to get to know each other. He's too wrapped up in the latest interest and the sometime responses to emails and the "I like it when you call"'s are purely designed to keep me on the back burner in case whatever he's involved in now doesn't work out. He seemed so innocent that way and he claimed to have "no game" when we started talking initially and I believed him, gullible fool that I am. Why do I always insist on viewing people in the best possible light until they disrespect me so much that I am forced to shift my perceptions? This is a bit of a recurring theme...I'm a smart girl - you'd think I'd have learned by now.

On another note, I was awake until 4am and then woke up again at 6 after having a horrible nightmare about my brother. I actually woke myself rocking back and forth in the bed in agony after a very convoluted dream that ended with me seeing him involuntarily driven away in our parents (now stolen) car by a couple of sketchy and dangerous characters, calling him after he'd been gone a while and I'd been left stranded somewhere I can't seem to remember and hearing his voicemail message stating that if the caller was hearing this, he or she should be very sad because they'd probably never hear his voice again. And the note in his voice was one I'd never heard before.

Of course, I realize it was just a dream and those aren't necessarily words my brother would ever use, but it was totally realistic and waking up alone after that was very hard. It was one of those nightmares that is so vivid it takes a while to figure out that it was just in your head and I was really scared and upset and needing someone to talk to to get my mind off it so I could attempt sleep again. The first person who came to mind? The Labradorian (partly because I knew he would be awake and partly because I still want to view him as sweet and comforting). Stupid, stupid girl. Thankfully, I squashed that notion by the time I was 3/4 alert and instead signed onto facebook to see if there was anyone on chat that would do. Lo and behold, The Old Flame was online. We hadn't been in contact since that night he got me safely home after being rather uncharacteristically intoxicated, but he was there for me and wanted to make sure I was alright.

During the course of our (relatively brief) conversation, I asked him what my best and worst points are in his opinion. His answer? Best: honesty. Worst: reading too much into things. I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, but said there were a few times when he said something to the point to me and I made it so that it didn't mean what he had meant anymore. I asked if I had asked questions or made assumptions. He said both. I'm not really sure what to make of that. In any case, I thought that was rather ironic since I had been beating myself up earlier for being too trusting and taking people's words at face value too much. I voiced that thought. He replied, "Well you didn't with me." Interesting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

2011-07-06T02:52:00.000-02:30

Why do guys say things they obviously don't mean? What is the point in trying to play the nice guy with words when the actions contradict those words at every turn? I don't get it. Isn't being honest and respectful with someone preferable to telling them what you think they want to hear only to have them believe you and end up feeling like a moron? Please explain the rationale behind that. It makes no sense to me. It really doesn't. All it does is make them look like bigger jerks than we ever would have thought they were otherwise. Amongst other examples that come readily to mind which other girl friends have experienced, there have now been two separate instances where a 'man' and I had mutually (or so I thought) agreed that we would be friends. I was totally OK with that. I thought they were nice guys and I would have liked to count them amongst my friends. However, both of those 'men' then proceeded to show me that that isn't actually what they wanted (either that or they have no idea what it means to be friends or how to be friends with a girl). SO WHY SAY IT WAS?!?!?!?!? It irritates me to no end. I'm a pretty friendly person and I've had girl friends and guy friends all my life. However, if I am not interested in being someone's friend, I don't say or do anything to make them think otherwise (and I don't mean that I am mean or disrespectful or rude...I just don't encourage them). I guess maybe that's just me. Anyway, let's hope I can now chalk that up to another lesson learned. But seriously - what idiots!!! It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie ran into her exes best friend - an ex who had broken up with her on a Post It. The best friend basically said that men are afraid of women's reactions and Carrie explained that all women want is to be told (face to face in her case) in a way that is respectful and befitting of the relationship and what was between them and the man in question. Is that really too much to ask?!?! I think that episode should actually be required viewing for all members of the opposite sex. Maybe they'd learn something. Then again, probably not.

In other news, I've learned that The Cheating Bastard and his naive girlfriend are moving to Denmark together. I don't get that either. I basically threw him under the bus. Did she not believe me? Does she have no self-respect? Is she crazy? Who knows. I have a feeling she will be in for a rude awakening down the road...but for her sake I will hope that he has actually seen the light and decided to change his behaviour.

Living on the Fly

2011-07-02T13:05:00.000-02:30

So midway through my last post (which I actually finished today) I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother's girlfriend. They were heading out to La Manche to go camping and wondered if I'd like to go with. My only alternative at the time was to stay home glued to the TV and computer, so I told them to drop by and give me a sec to get ready and I'd follow them out and stay for supper. Before I knew it, I had a bunch of gear packed (just in case) and was heading out the door. This is nothing short of amazing, as I really don't do spur of the moment well when preparation is needed. We stopped at a convenience store and a liquor store en route and I got other things (just in case). By the time we got there and got the tent set up, I was put on supper duty and my brother was shoving booze at me...that combined with the fog made the decision that I was going to have to stay and tough it out (I can be a bit of a princess at times). Anyway, the rain came down all night and we got soaked, but we did get lots of funny pics in my car during our intermittent escapes from the waterworks, and we did manage to make use of the fire pit to roast wieners and make s'mores. All in all, a good night. I did wimp out on the hike the next day, though...there is a limit to my ability to do things unprepared and the black flies were driving me insane while we were getting packed up to leave the campsite so I headed home to clean up and re-group.

Last night I went to watch the Canada Day fireworks with my three closest friends in town. We all arrived separately and in the nick of time, which made for stories in themselves. It was really good to be together and having a laugh. I'm so thankful to be able to do that. It was a little anti-climactic for me, though, as my worries got the better of me and I ended up leaving early to come home rather than become a party pooper.

Today I was up bright and early and getting geared up for a hike...which was initially cancelled but will now probably be happening in about a half an hour or so. Let's hope the sunshine is good to me...At the very least, it should help me put my anxiety about my current situation in check. Better to be doing something than dwelling on doing nothing.

I'm lucky to have friends and family who notice when I'm not me and rally to support me and bring me back to myself.

Post Party Mash Up

2011-07-02T12:43:00.000-02:30

Friday night was epic. My girls and I did the Party Bus thing and spent the night downtown gettin our groove on. Many entertaining anecdotes followed the next day, of course, amongst ourselves, and it was infinitely amusing to re-hash the evening's events. However, we were also all duly reminded that gone are the days of partying from Thursday to Sunday...now it's party Thursday and recover til Sunday...or, you know...party Friday and recover til Wednesday...whatever. The important thing is, it was a blast and it was much needed.

In other news, the 'friendship' with the Labradorian boggles me. I won't even go there right now. Suffice it to say that we may have different ideas of what it means to be friends and how one's friends should be treated.

I re-connected with an old friend in BC the other night...that was really nice. We hadn't spoken in about a year, give or take. Lots to catch up on, for sure. Interestingly enough, she has decided to take on the administration of the school we taught at together. Apparently they have hired 3 new teachers for the upcoming year and haven't heard anything in a while from one of them...she said if they don't hear from this person, I may be getting a phone call. In all honesty, up until very recently if someone had asked me if I would go back to the place I started my teaching career, the answer would have been an emphatic and resounding 'no.' However, being that I need steady income to get back on my feet and have more experience under my belt now - and that I'm single and free of the thoughts, feelings and opinions of the significant other who went with me last time and (I now realize) colored my own thinking quite a bit - I may be willing to give it a re-do and see where it takes me. Of course, the likelihood that that would actually come to pass is still slim.

Party Time!!!

2011-06-24T15:03:00.000-02:30

I'm going out tonight. I'm gonna let my hair down and shake my booty. I can't wait. It's long overdue :)

Thursday Evening Update

2011-06-23T20:10:00.001-02:30

I am currently back in town. It's so good to be in my own space again, even though I have no idea how long I'll be here or what the game plan is at this point. I've spent a very lazy day, absently and periodically picking away at the things I have to unpack (there are a lot of them). I figured I would take a few minutes to update the good ole blog, though, for a change of pace. So, here's a little of the good, the bad, and the ugly...I'm really not sure what falls into which category at this point, but I'm sure it all fits somehow.

On the work front:

I have been continuing to apply for positions for the fall. It is a slow and frustrating process, as I have to wait for everyone else and their dog to be placed before I get a look in, due to my relative newness in the work force back here on the island. It also acts as a bit of a stumbling block/hold up in regard to putting anything else into place for myself. But I have been looking at other short term and long term possibilities and trying to determine what might suffice as viable alternatives for the time being. We shall see what becomes of it all in due time I suppose. Sigh. I hate waiting.

On the personal life front:

Still no dating, and still fine with it. I got hit on a couple of times downtown the last time I went (I can sum up my thoughts on that fairly easily and concisely: ew) and I've been getting messages from a diverse batch of potential suitors online, ranging in age from 22 to 50 years old. Interesting. Yet not. Some of them I would never in a million years be interested in. Others seem nice...decent, smart, entertaining, whatever...but I'm still not really into it. I respond half-heartedly if at all. Which makes me wonder, again, why I ever bothered to open another account. I've been considering closing it since I opened it, to be honest. Boredom, I suppose. I did a double take at the 22 year old's picture, though...he sort of resembles The Cheating Bastard. Funny.

After a lot of soul searching and having The Labradorian on the brain recently (which is obviously evident from the last few posts), I took some time in the wee hours of the morning and composed a very rawly honest email to him. It was lengthy and it was difficult and scary to send. But my gut insisted on it.

His response, when it came, was brief but comforting. He simply acknowledged the difficulty of expressing one's emotions, said he respected me for expressing mine, claimed to agree with everything I said, and cast his vote for the option that we continue talking in a friendship capacity for now and hopefully one day have the opportunity to meet and answer some questions together. And that sounds good to me. I like the idea of having the lines of communication re-opened. It feels good to talk to him. I guess we'll see how that goes. I'll just take it for what it is and assume he was being honest and genuine as well.

In the meantime, there's always the chance that real life will intervene and put someone of interest in my path. Maybe. Eventually. Perhaps. I'm going out tomorrow night and I have a wedding to attend in a couple of weeks. Who knows...

On a totally different note:

I was reading over previous blog posts earlier. Weird how things take a different shape and tone sometimes when you look back on them. You remember the frame of mind you were in when they occurred, but it's no longer relevant in most cases. Things are perceived differently in hindsight. I guess that's how times does it's healing trick. The bleeding obvious, I know.

Oh, and I don't think I ever mentioned - the last 26 year old that I thought was a good guy? He actually sent me a late night text a few weeks ago. If that wasn't the tentative lead up to a booty call, I don't know what is. So it was alright to have my initial reaction to him validated (when I thought I overreacted and scared him off? Turns out my instincts were correct if that was any indication). Anyway, I didn't respond and I won't. I will not tolerate that kind of treatment...especially from someone I had already forgotten about. However, pat on the back for me: I recognized it, I reacted, and (despite a moment of doubt in the initial aftermath) I was later rewarded with further proof that the cloud of innocence and naivete through which I viewed the world for most of my life has dissipated more...I've definitely had my eyes opened and have learned, grown, developed confidence, matured, and gotten wiser and stronger...which I already knew, but nice to have another reminder nonetheless.

Boredom=The Devil

2011-06-21T19:26:00.002-02:30

When I get in this frame of mind, I am not to be trusted. I make stupid, snap decisions (which are not my forte at the best of times) and kick myself for them later. For instance, I contact people I shouldn't contact. I am stuck in central and wanting so badly to just go back to town...but my mother insists I stay tonight because there is a lot of water on the roads from the incessant rain that has me trapped in the house. I cannot find anything with which to occupy my mind. Nothing is holding my attention. Reading is not doing it, there's no one I want to visit (my options are limited to family that live close by for the moment), I'm not in the mood for TV and I'm so sick of the Internet today. I'm restless. Severely. Frustrated. And bored out of my freaking head. I hate feeling like this. I so wish I had some friends nearby...Sigh...anyway...deep breaths.....the storm is sure to pass eventually and hopefully I'll find the necessary control to refrain from scathing myself too badly...I am my own worst enemy right now...

Silly Girl

2011-06-19T22:18:00.001-02:30

So...I was on the dating site last night for the first time in ages. I received a message from someone I wasn't interested in and, after I read it, was about to sign out...and that's when I saw him. The Labradorian's picture popped up on my screen and I threw caution to the wind and said hello. We chatted back and forth for about an hour. Just run of the mill chit chat. I carefully avoided any mention of what happened before...and I closed out by telling him if he ever makes it up here he can look me up. He said he'd like that and told me to keep in touch....and that's where I should have left it. Instead, I wrote back and told him the ball was in his court if he wanted to keep in contact, mentioned that I'd still like to read some of his writing (he'd told me previously that he was working on a novel and asked if I'd be interested in having a look), told him I might end up anywhere (including Labrador) come September as I've been applying for jobs all over the province, and wished him a good night. Complete with a smiley face. I could have bitten my fingers off at the knuckle for not leaving well enough alone. But it gets worse. Today, after opening that up fresh, I reread some of our earlier correspondence and wondered anew what had happened and where it had gone wrong...then I sent him a facebook friend request. I told myself at the time that it was harmless and it didn't count as contact, but then I obsessed about this all day. Mostly due to boredom and lack of anything else to occupy my mind, I'm sure (I've been roaming the house like a caged animal for most of the past 24 hours), but nonetheless it made me feel weak and pathetic...and perhaps a tad insane. I mean I'm calm and rational and not really expecting anything in the way of a further response, but I so want to hear from him at the same time. I'm sure I'm not the only female who has ever put herself in this position, and it's not anything serious, by far...just silly. And I thought I had outgrown that. In fact, I'm shaking my head at myself as I write. But I just felt like I had to try...and that's not something I ever do once I cut contact with someone. It's usually finito sans encore. Sigh. Back to playing the waiting game, I suppose...although, surprisingly, as I was writing this, my phone notified me that the friend request has been accepted. One less thing to wonder about. Ugh. Thank goodness I'm working again tomorrow and won't have time to think about anything other than the demands of the classroom!

Greatest Proposal Ever

2011-06-16T19:50:00.001-02:30

Where can I get me one of these?

Vancouver Riot

2011-06-16T16:36:00.001-02:30

I have to say, I'm royally disgusted at the images I'm seeing on the tube and in other media today (see some National Post coverage here). I find it appalling that 'fans' would react in this manner. There are so many more important things that are being fought for in this world...but you are willing to put forth this much effort for no other reason than to cause senseless destruction after a hockey game and some booze????? It's worth trashing a city for no other reason than to trash it? I fail to see the rationale here. Unfortunately, this reflects not only on Vancouver and BC, but on the country as a whole in many eyes. I'm sure I'm not the only Canadian who is feeling angry, disappointed and embarrassed at being misrepresented to the world today. Thanks for that, brainless testosterone overdosed Neanderthals. Really.

However, it hasn't all been negative. There have apparently been a lot of citizens volunteering their time and energy to help clean up the city...and apologizing to all on behalf of the morons who are responsible for this disgracefulness. Would that it were not necessary to begin with, but at least it's somewhat of a positive counter to what went down after the game...

Shadow of the Dog

2011-06-14T19:15:00.000-02:30

I may have spoken too soon...the shadow of The Dog has been creeping around with me all day. When I awoke, it was with thoughts of The Labradorian once again. I reasoned with myself and talked myself into and out of calling him a dozen times. Then I reminded myself that it is not a good idea to make any decisions when I'm not feeling like myself...so that will keep me from acting on any impulses today.

After lunch, feelings of despair, frustration, irritation, and loneliness overtook me and I had a cry. A friend wisely recommended that I stop waiting for my life to begin again and instead go out there, grab it, and suck everything I can from it. Yes, wise words. They filled me with hope, determination, and a renewed sense of possibility. For about a split second. Then The Dog's shadow fell over me once more. It stayed with me throughout the afternoon, while I gave intermittent half-hearted attempts at fighting back and 'acting as if,' as a fellow blogger recently referred to it.

I found myself roaming restlessly and aimlessly through my mother's house, only to wind up back on the couch hugging a pillow and gazing out the window at the leaves dancing in the breeze under a sun I have longed for days to see and could not bring myself to enjoy as tears streamed down my face.

Every ounce of effort was needed to speak in response when spoken to at supper this evening. We went to my aunt's for a barbecue and I, not myself at all, but the empty, lifeless shell that remains when his black shadow overtakes me, did my best to stay out of everyone's way and appear as normal as I could manage. At first opportunity, I escaped back to my mother's empty house to be alone again.

I hope one day soon I figure out exactly how to go out and grab life again. To finally get from it what I want and fill myself to the brim.

The Battle of Head Vs Heart

2011-06-13T22:35:00.006-02:30

I've been thinking of him a lot today. The Labradorian. The urge to call him tonight was so strong that I went as far as to look up his number online (I had purposely deleted all his contact information along with removing him from my facebook friends list weeks ago. The intent was to obliterate all temptation to reach out to him. I wanted to erase the sick feeling seeing his name and face engendered in me after I came to the realization that things weren't as they had been between us. Who needs constant reminders of disappointment like that?). I fought it. But it was hard. And he's still on my mind.

It's a little embarrassing to admit that I kept our correspondence (along with one of the voicemail messages he left me...how pathetic is that?). I haven't been able to bring myself to delete it yet and tonight was the first time I allowed myself to reread some of the emails. Probably not a good idea, in retrospect. But I knew that before I started to read (sucker for punishment much?).

I did the math and realized that it's been 6 weeks since the last message. It was one I wrote to him...one that he didn't respond to. And that sent a message of it's own, loud and clear. It's part of the reason I didn't pick up the phone in the end. If he wanted to talk to me he could've called or emailed. He didn't. So why subject myself to further rejection and embarrassment? Why give him the ammunition to take another shot at my pride? I know what I would say to a friend if she was in my position. Somehow that is cold comfort. Yet it is also the thought of appearing weak and stupid in my friends eyes that also halted my hand in it's tracks when it was itching to reach for the receiver. I don't think any of them would actually say that to me, but I wonder if they would think it. I might.

This is relatively new territory for me. Usually if I do get the notion to contact someone like that, it goes away almost as quickly as it came or I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly, at least. Not so in this case. I keep wanting to believe he was different. And the psychic the other day didn't help. He (the psychic) said that The Labradorian was a very pleasant man and that our conversations had been good (tell me something I don't know). He said that The Labradorian might be the one and then again maybe not (vague and inconclusive, I know, but enough to replant the seed of longing somewhat). He said that it couldn't hurt to contact The Labradorian...that if he is The One, things will pan out and if he isn't then they won't go anywhere (genius, no?).

As I said before, I'm not even sure how much I buy into psychic readings and whatnot...but it was enough to up the amount The Labradorian has been on my mind again and to make me start pondering everything again...not that I ever really stopped. Is it just loneliness and lack of another interest that continually brings him to the forefront of my mind and makes me wonder how he's doing and whether he thinks of me? Is that the driving force behind this desire to hear his voice? Is it just that the silly, typical, good girl part of me is wondering whether I did something wrong to cause this and whether there is a way to fix it? Or is it more than that? Should I take a risk? Or should I just give my head a shake and reaffirm (once again) that he obviously was not the right one and isn't worth my time, thoughts, or energy anymore?

I guess I'll resort to doing what I've been doing off and on for the past 6 weeks whenever it's cropped up...sit with it for another night while simultaneously trying to shove it out of my consciousness...but I won't deny that I hope fate decides to put us in the same place sometime just to see what would happen...

There are times when I think that, in some ways, it might actually be better to be a man...

Psychics, Comedians, and Fairs

2011-06-12T21:08:00.004-02:30

Happily, yesterday was great. My girl and I spent it together and packed it with fun stuff. We started by visiting a psychic (who was adamant I will marry once and have a child or two, among other things, so perhaps there's still an out from spinsterhood at some point, who knows...). I'm not sure if I buy into that stuff or not, but it's entertaining either way and it kind of does give you something to hang on to and look forward to (provided you are told what you wanted to hear, which I mostly was). The BFF got a good reading as well. Thankfully the guy verified what I've been telling her for months - that her ex wasn't good for her and the best thing she ever did was finally walk away from him. Hallelujah. I might have had some real trouble on my hands if he had said otherwise!

Following that, we went back to her pad to regroup and then took ourselves to Yuk Yuk's for dinner and live comedy. I had the pasta, she had the chicken, and we both topped it off with the cheesecake and a cup of tea (proper party animals, aren't we?). The food wasn't great, but it was OK. I'd recommend the chicken over the pasta I think. She joked that she's sick of looking like a lesbian out in public with me. Let's just say we spend a lot of time together and there have been a few incidents that could have been misconstrued by onlookers...comments taken out of context, tasting each other's food and whatnot. It's a huge inside joke at this point. Might as well laugh! Speaking of laughter...the Yuk Yuk's comedy lineup?...well...not exactly hilarious, but the comics (host Dave Martin and hometown girl Lisa Baker) had their moments and I did laugh quite a bit at some of the headliner, Stephen Patterson's, bits.

After a brief foray into Chapters to peruse the shelves, we decided to go for a drive. I happened to notice lights in the Zellers parking lot on Stavanger and we popped in to jump on a couple of rides at Thomas Amusements. The Catch N Air was decent (lots of laughs punctuated with bursts of screams, mostly from moi, as we realized someone was filming as the ride went by and also that we were probably overdressed for the fair and very likely the oldest customers on the premises), but the Tornado (although we got to enjoy it solo to romantic music playing - what more could you ask?) was rather underwhelming.

The one bad point is that, unfortunately, a few couples came in and sat in the seats directly below us. Why was that bad? Well, because they all (the females especially) apparently deemed it necessary to bathe in perfume and cologne before heading out for the evening. This means that, despite popping allergy pills at the first onslaught and afterwards, I suffered for the rest of the night and continue to suffer today. My nose was running, my throat got all scratchy and irritated, my skin was itching, my voice has been coming and going, I developed a headache, my sinuses are now stuffed, and I've been coughing off and on. Lovely. I just got over the flu and I'm sick again. Most pleasant. Is it that people still remain uneducated about or unaware of this stuff or just that they don't give a shit what effect it has on others? Sigh....so hard not to be bitter and harbour an intense dislike and resentment of these random perpetrators...I will say that the thought, "Thanks for making me sick assholes!" has crossed my mind....I know, I know...people have a right to wear whatever fragrances they like yadda yadda...but I have a right to go to public places as well and hopefully be able to enjoy myself in comfort, do I not? I have been in these situations before and either changed seats or left the venue, but I paid a little more than I'd like to have to up and leave without seeing the show and there weren't any other seats we could move to, so that wasn't an option. I dunno...I think a person's right to be well outweighs someones wanting to smell like a chemical factory...and at the very least, do you really need people to be able to smell you that far away??? Then again, I'm obviously biased. Either way, I seriously hope one day they find out firsthand what it's like to be bombarded by things out of your control that make you ill.

Working On It

2011-06-08T21:38:00.003-02:30

I have been trying to take realistic positive steps to improve my mood and my life in general. I'm happy to report that I've kept the cigarette quota to 5-6 for the past week or so and I've been making a concerted effort to slug back more H2O. I've also hit mom's new treadmill for the past two nights and tried to jog for at least half the time I was on there. I am working at eating more fruits and veggies and trying to curb the emotional junk food binges. I've been renewing the job searching efforts as well, and taking more time to read and write. Sleep is still a bit of an issue, but I figure I'm not doing too badly in the grand scheme of things...provided I can keep chipping away at all those things until I get to where I want to be.

Oh, and this is noteworthy: in further attempts to shake the black dog that's been hounding me, I also went in search of some funnies today. I added a list of those sites I deemed worthy of revisiting to my blog. Check 'em out if you need a laugh.

This One's For The Birds

2011-06-07T18:46:00.005-02:30

Oddly enough, I wrote about birds last night and today this visitor showed up in our shed. My stepfather went out after supper to get a saw for a friend and heard something banging. He went upstairs and saw this robin flying repeatedly into the window. The poor bugger had beaten itself out. We figure it must've gotten in unnoticed earlier this morning when he was in there and he unknowingly locked it in for a few hours. Anyway, after I snapped this pic, my stepfather opened his hand and waited until it decided to fly away...it was obviously tired and a little worse for wear, but thankfully he found it in time before it seriously injured itself...

Mr. Furley Lives

2011-06-06T11:30:00.004-02:30

This post is a little late in coming, but I feel the need to write today and remembered that I'd meant to write about this...

Spring has sprung. I know this not because the snow has melted and the plants are sprouting. Nope. I know it because my stepfather is preparing for the return of 'his' swallows. According to him, they show up about the same time every year: May 24th weekend. SO, in preparation for this, he stocks up on bird feed (which he has anyway because there are bird feeders out front that he keeps topped up year round...he has actually been known to get out the binoculars and crouch in the window to get a close up of the colourful avians that visit...hence my mother's affectionately dubbing him Mr. Furley from time to time), cleans the birdhouse, and whatever else it entails...I have to admit, I don't keep close tabs on him but he does seem rather busy getting things ready for them. Last year, he tried to put me on birdwatching duty while he and my mother went to Florida for a couple of weeks to visit family. I shook my head and rolled my eyes heavenward, but humoured him a little. How I was supposed to stop sparrows and others from taking up residence before the arrival of his beloved swallows I have no clue. But whatever makes him happy...They showed up and moved in without any interference or encouragement from me so I guess that worked out alright.

This year things were a little different. My stepfather had just started a new job that requires him flying to and from the job site and he was scheduled to be away for May 24th weekend. He didn't let that stop him from securing the swallows for the season, though. No, he went through his habitual birdhouse prepping earlier than normal and rigged up something that made me question why, exactly, he has not been featured on The Red Green Show. What was it, you ask? Well...I really wish I had thought to take a picture. I suppose it wasn't anything too special, but I happen to think it was rather ingenious and hilarious. My stepfather actually put elastics around a rag to fashion a plug for the entrance to the birdhouse. This was also attached to a rope that was secured around the pole atop which the birdhouse sits. He left my mother with the instructions to untie the rope and use it to pull the plug upon the first swallow sighting. There were a tense few days after I had spotted them and she had failed to pull the plug when I teased that she would be fired since the swallows had booked another place when they discovered the hotel was closed...however, they came back and are, happily, now residing in the birdhouse out back...much to 'Mr. Furley's' delight ;-)

Respites In Lieu of Remedies

2011-06-04T13:59:00.006-02:30

So I feel like all I've done lately (on here especially) is whine and complain. This is my attempt to remedy that a little... I went for a walk in Bowring Park today. I did part of the South Brook trail and the loop between the duck ponds a couple of times as well. It took everything I had to get through the door, but I'm so glad I went. My only regret is that I didn't think to bring my camera (so I may cheat and post an old pic of the park if I can find one on my external drive later). It was glorious. The wind in my hair and the sun on my face, the babbling brooks and shade speckled forest floor, the birds flitting here and there, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds, the beautiful tulips....I really did my best to drink it all in and appreciate every aspect of the incredible gift of nature. I reminded myself that I am lucky and blessed just to be able to go for a walk, by myself, in that kind of setting. I smiled at everyone I passed...at first I faked it, but by the end I think they were actually genuine. I suppose that's something. And now, after returning home and making an omelette for lunch, I am thankful to find that my spirits have been buoyed for the time being. I feel...not happy and carefree and not as if things have meaning again and I have a purpose...but OK. Calm. Grateful for the little things. The flu that has been preventing me from being active and getting exercise seems to be getting better and so that should help. Nothing like breaking a sweat to help keep stress and anxiety in check. Anyway...time to go attempt some productivity and hopefully tonight get out and do something social or at least take in a movie with a friend...we shall see...

Seeking Solace

2011-06-02T10:51:00.005-02:30

What do you do when your world has been in shambles around your feet for longer than you anticipated? Where do you turn? How do you fill the void? They say the greatest growth occurs when we are tested...either mine has been stunted or I'm so lost right now that I don't remember how. I feel trapped in this empty place where I am frustrated and unfulfilled. I want to put myself on the right track, but I'll be damned if I know what that is anymore...if I ever did. Nothing brings comfort at this point. I see no point in anything anymore and I ache. I guess the only thing to do is to keep moving and trying to rebuild...but I'm tired. I am so tired of waiting and trying to be patient. I am so tired of feeling unsatisfied. I hope and I wish and I pray, but nothing seems to change. They say you must be the change you want to see in the world...or something like that...where has my motivation gone? What can I try that I haven't already? Who can I talk to? Where can I go? How do I make things the way I want them? Do I even know what that looks like anymore? When is this going to get better.....?

Boredom Reigns

2011-05-26T20:33:00.004-02:30

OK, so boredom won out and I finally opened another dating account. What the hell was I thinking? It's pointless, really, but the real world hasn't seen fit to throw anything or anyone interesting or exciting my way in a while. However, my guard is up and my hopes are down in terms of what I will encounter there. I guess sometimes it's just about survival and whatever gets you through. The smoking as been an uphill battle. I am hovering at about 5-7 a day most days. Could be worse, I suppose, but could most definitely also be better. The weight has started to climb again as well, I think. I'm half afraid to check. I would really like it to go down and stay down. I've been sick for the past week and a half as well, so that isn't helping. On the bright side, I've been getting pretty steady work...but it won't be enough to keep me afloat for the summer and I've been seriously stressed contemplating that. However, I also realize there's nothing I can do about it at this point until the school year ends for various reasons. It's disheartening to be applying for positions all over the island and not getting any responses whatsoever. But despite the probable negative tone of this post, I am actually feeling more unaffected than upset by all this at the moment. It would just be nice to have some stability and certainty...and life really does get boring and lonely sometimes. I miss being on the stage. And I miss having someone to love and being loved in return...well I suppose I was loved in return. Who knows anymore with everything that's come out in the wash. Just anyone won't do though. I really don't have it in me to date for the hell of it right now. I want something with substance and potential or nothing at all. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be nothing at all for a long time to come. I hope it gets easier. There are times I feel fine and strong and could care less that I am alone. There are times I thoroughly embrace it. There are also times when I feel a gaping hole in my soul and in my life that I am unable to fill. I want more out of my time on earth than this...

Conversations at the Counter

2011-05-23T21:36:00.003-02:30

The other day I went to the gas station to fill up my car. As soon as I paid, the lady behind the counter (who happens to be an acquaintance of my mother...it's a small town...) said to me with a smile, "So, any plan to have any babies anytime soon? I think your Mom is wanting to be a grandmother now." Needless to say, I was a little taken aback. I replied, "Well I guess I kind of have to find someone first, and there aren't any prospects on the horizon these days!" accompanied with a token laugh. "Oh," she said, "I'm sorry...I didn't know..." "It's OK," I responded, trying to ease her awkwardness, "I left my boyfriend over a year ago. It just didn't work out." She gave me that half-pitying look reserved for the 30 and up crowd who are still un-hitched and I continued on, "Well I'd rather be with the right one and he wasn't it, so..." "Yes," she reluctantly agreed, "I s'pose you got to find the right one first, eh maid..."

Sometimes it's great to know you're single and all your options are still open. Sometimes it also sucks to be caught unawares and reminded of what you don't have and how you don't fit with society's expectations. However, I'd still rather be in this boat than sailing downstream without a paddle chained to a man who isn't right for me and possibly with a few kids in tow...I'd take freedom over that any day, as lonely and boring as it may be sometimes when nothing is certain and nothing seems to be happening.

The Doldrums

2011-05-16T15:06:00.000-02:30

I haven't written anything in a long time...not even in my journal. I'm not quite sure why that is except that I don't have much to say these days as there is not much going on in my world on the surface. Things are pretty boring and quiet. I'm kind of panicked about the work situation, as the school year is winding down and I am not EI eligible at present, so I have no safety net. I'm still in central crossing my fingers and currently applying for positions for the upcoming year and looking to see what is out there to tide me over in the meantime. It's not a comfortable position to be in.

The man ban is still in effect, and so the dating aspect of my life is dead at present. I have, however, been trying to be more physically active. I went for a 7-8K hike over the weekend and I've started jogging periodically...I was walking and doing yoga fairly regularly anyway, but felt the need to ramp it up a little. I'm hoping it will result in increased health and wellness and getting back on track with weight loss, but if nothing else, it gets the endorphins going for a time. Oh, how laughable that would have been to contemplate in my younger years, but I'm quite proud of myself for the effort these days.

Other than that, there really isn't much to talk about. Everything is up in the air, as it has been for far too long now. The only constants have been the love, support, and company of my family and my closest friends. I guess that is enough to be thankful for in the interim, but I pray to have the means to stand on my own two feet and obtain some stability soon...

Sad Reminders

2011-04-29T15:19:00.002-02:30

I watched snippets of the Royal Wedding today. It made me sad. Well, correction...I was already sad and it made me worse. There's just something about that little girl dream of marrying a prince and watching someone actually do that just made me yearn even more for what I don't have and maybe never will. I'm still thinking about the last guy...the one who made me believe again and then disappeared. That shook my faith in my happily ever after more than any of the jerks and deadbeats ever did. And I feel so alone.

Wednesday Afternoon Update

2011-04-27T13:43:00.000-02:30

On the dating front: Zilch. And I'm OK with that for now. Still soooo done with men for the time being. In fact, when my best friend suggested we peruse Plenty of Fish out of boredom the other night, I had absolutely no interest and told her as such (we watched Frasier and went for a drive instead). Yet my inner cynic is being slowly quieted by my inner romantic, which is starting to insist once again that 'he' is out there somewhere...as my mom put it, "It's just taking him a while to figure out where you are." Of course, the cynic is still doing battle at this point and being equally insistent at times that 'he' does not exist and that needs to be accepted. Time will tell, I suppose...In the meantime, I'm still a little disappointed and confused about the guy in Labrador. But there's been no contact on either side since last Tuesday and much as I am tempted to contact him from time to time, I really don't see the point anymore...for so many reasons...and that makes me so sad. I am working at distancing myself from that mentally and emotionally, though...it's just hard for me to let go of that feeling of connectedness once I find it with someone. I was pretty well his in my heart and my mind (and I know he was mine) and now I have to get back to being no one's but my own again - which is liberating and positive in a way but also crushing and depressing in another. It makes me feel, in turns, stronger, more determined, excited and independent than ever and more isolated, alone, and empty than ever. But I have zero desire right now to be with any man, much as I sometimes long for it. Something happened inside of me with this last incident and it changed things. Kinda 'turned my stomach,' if you will. I know it sounds insane - and I can't explain it - but I seriously felt more sure about him, without even having met him in person, than the guy I was with for 6 years...and then he was gone almost as quickly as he had planted himself in the fantasies of my future.

On the work front: It looks like I will be finishing out the year in Central during the week. I am hoping and praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I will get enough work to get me through and enough hours for EI in case I need to fall back on it, but the chances are slim at this point. Which means I have to start thinking about what I am going to do to try and keep myself afloat this summer. Seeing as I have never done anything but teach, I have no idea what that is going to be or what I would be suited for and able to cope with. Nor do I have much idea what most jobs entail or what would be best my best options financially. The downfalls of a sheltered life, I suppose - a big lack of common knowledge.

And in other news: My stepfather found out today that he got the job he was hoping for...he told me if he did then his first bonus goes on my student loan since I helped him out with the interview questions. So, yay for him and yay for me :-)

Also, my best friend and I decided Sunday night to go let our hair down. It was epic. We were nineteen again for a few hours and we rocked it. SO needed that. And we have been laughing over the anecdotes that resulted from that night and the day of recovery that followed off and on all week. Priceless. Here's a little something that I'm not really sure what to make of, though - I actually did something out of character and drank more than I normally would have. I usually cut myself off as soon as I start to feel the effects of the alcohol, as I am not a fan of getting too intoxicated or of being sick. However, I let go and got drunk...and ran into the guy I was dating when I first came home, who has been in my life in some capacity or other since our chance meeting 12 years ago. Anyway, he insisted on making sure my friend and I got home alright and actually didn't try to take advantage of my drunken state to get down my pants (which kind of shocked me since he can be a bit of a pig sometimes and is famous for that when it comes to me, whether either of us is sober or under the influence). Anyway, I just found the whole thing interesting upon reflection. Perhaps he actually does still have feelings for me other than the sexual variety...but I think that ship has sailed on my end. He has been relegated to the 'friends only' category in my mind for quite some time now (which I have been upfront with him about)...but we have the oddest relationship I've ever had with a male. Still, it's comforting, somehow.

Unexpected Information

2011-04-21T00:09:00.000-02:30

Something a little bizarre happened to me over the weekend...my ex's ex (who I do not know) contacted me on facebook. This would be the ex I left in BC and his ex would be the woman I thought he had married (apparently they were never married and it was a bit of a hoax/trial period thing that had been her idea...which I think is a little strange, but whatever).

Anyway, for some reason this woman felt the need to regale me with the details of their relationship and all her complaints about him...it really means nothing to me, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on him nonetheless. What did piss me off a bit, though, was that he has apparently been telling people he is broke because he paid for my university and that he broke up with me because I wanted more commitment and he wouldn't give it. Um...yeah...about that...total BS....x1000. I did feel the need to set her straight there, although she said she was inclined to believe it was all the other way around with the way he had behaved with her and she totally understood why I had moved across the country...

I was also a little shocked about his behaviour - apparently he fought with her in front of her son - which is totally not cool - and took pot shots at her weight and her business when they broke up, among other things. Wow. It all made me even more glad I'm totally distanced from it all and that I handled myself with dignity and class throughout that break up, no matter what he has chosen to do or say. I mean, I'm not a saint by any means, but I think I conducted myself well, considering, and I didn't exactly go blabbing about all the skeletons I found in his closet or anything like that.

I think I should mention here for fairness sake that I don't by any means take this woman's words to be the gospel (after all, I don't know her at all and can't vouch for her character)...I'm sure the truth lies somewhere between her version and his version - which I really don't care to get - and that he does have his good points (obviously, or neither of us would have given him a chance).

I was a little concerned that perhaps our mutual friends had been fed BS as well (I've avoided talking to them about anything concerning him or us), but one of those friends put my mind at ease when I mentioned that I'd heard from his ex and she had told me some untruths he had said about me/our relationship. She (the mutual friend) informed me that my ex has actually separated from all but one of our mutual friends for the most part, and that people are getting fed up with him and his victim mentality.

So I guess my silence didn't really have an effect either way...it just allowed him to show himself for what he was without me saying a word. Much more effective. I just hope the one friend he still has regular contact with isn't being taken advantage of...but that's not my business either. She's a grown woman and if that is the case she needs to figure it out and put a stop to it herself without warnings or interference from me.

And even more strange...I was right when I thought I may have taught this woman's son (the ex's ex). She told me she had met me when I was subbing in his class last year (I'd been in there for a couple of weeks). Strange coincidence to wrap my head around, indeed.

Yep, the universe works in mysterious ways. This woman answered questions for me that I had long since given up on having answered without my even asking...and she further confirmed that I never knew him, despite the close to 6 years we spent together and that I had been even more naive and gullible than I had previously come to realize. Scary thoughts. But, again - here's to learning and growing...and good riddance to bad rubbish! I don't wish the man harm (in fact I hope he smartens up and does alright for himself and finds happiness), but I am so, so, so thankful he is no longer a part of my life. A very big thank you to all the forces that pulled me out of that situation, for sure!

Unexpected Insights

2011-04-19T11:12:00.000-02:30

Sometimes the universe throws you messages in bottles just when you need them...or, you know...you notice something with no real significance that strikes a chord and so feel the need to attach some meaning to them...whatever works. I have had a few such instances in the past few weeks and thought I'd share a couple of words of wisdom that the universe saw fit to put in my path...

From the tag of a Yogi Tea teabag: "Know your own worth and act with wisdom" - yep, I hear ya Yogi Tea...loud and clear!!! It's been a long journey, but I think I'm getting there. Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.

From an episode of Family Guy (Lois speaking to Meg about her sister Carol): "She has such low self-esteem that every time a man shows her the slightest glimmer of attention she rushes into something serious and gets her heart broken like a teenage girl." - Uh huh, uh huh...I hear ya Lois! That pretty much sums up my first two relationships! Let's hope the confidence and self-esteem stays where it should and I don't suffer from that particular affliction again! Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.

And finally, a little bit of a story for you...

I sat with a gay guy outside of Dusk for a bit over the weekend. As I smoked my cigarette, he was texting and ranting about a guy he was supposed to be meeting who said he was outside of Dusk and who neither of us saw hide nor hair of..."What does he look like?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied. "Have you ever met him before?" I asked. "Uh uh," he replied, "but I hope he shows up soon - I'm freezing my ass off here! I hate when guys stand me up. What a douche!" ...oh yes, Mr. Gay Guy (who's name I never got and wish I had) - I HEAR YOU. LOUD AND CLEAR. So comforting somehow to know that even gay guys have to contend with guys being jerks. Thank you for venting to me and giving me a feeling of solidarity. Much appreciated.

Grudgingly Conceding Defeat

2011-04-18T18:30:00.000-02:30

I give up. It's official...Mr. Spectacular doesn't exist. I've been pretty sure that he is out there somewhere and always contradict my friends when they say such cynical things, but I think the sooner I accept that I was wrong and get it through my thick skull the better off I'll be. It looks like it's off to the glue factory for the dark horse...it was nice having that warm fuzzy feeling and knowing someone was 100% there for the brief time it lasted...as much as you can be 100% there long distance without having met (which sounds even more ludicrous without the warm fuzzy feeling to behind it). I sensed him pulling away and called him on it (his reason/excuse was that the reality of the situation had hit him in the face and if he were here we would definitely be giving it a try...who knows if that's the case or not, but I was grounding myself in reality until he convinced me to believe. Disappointing, to say the least, to take a leap of faith and then find your parachute isn't opening). In any case, I then decided to remove myself from the situation. Tough. But probably for the best. He was right, though, when he said it felt like a break up even though we hadn't even met. So weird. I feel like an idiot for putting so much faith in a man, but this one really did seem different and really did appear to be everything I was looking for...and claimed the same about me...guess now we'll never know...So, currently there are no interests on the horizon and no urge to re-open an online dating account. I just feel like I'm done. Ah, life...and the lessons I have stacked up...Memo to self: there is a reason you didn't put any real stock into meeting someone online, another reason you wouldn't previously entertain the notion of meeting and dating someone too far away to meet as soon as the comfort level was there, and yet another reason you have always shied away from long distance stuff in general...please do not ever forget that and get swept away again.

Tuesday Afternoon Funny

2011-04-12T13:50:00.000-02:30

Well worth a watch if you're in need of a laugh :-)

Dark Horse

2011-04-11T17:30:00.000-02:30

Well, all bets are off with the top 3. A dark horse has emerged and blown the competition into oblivion...

It started when I noticed that someone I had been chatting with a while ago (it didn't really go anywhere) had newly viewed my profile again. On a whim, I sent a hello. From there, the typical dialogue began...all of those standard conversation starters and Q and A stuff...harmless chit chat via email on the dating site that went on for a couple of days. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I intrigued him enough to ask for my number. I am usually loath to give my number to someone so quickly, but something about his words sparked something in me in return...to the point where I thought, "My God, could this be him?" Of course, I dismissed that as a flight of fancy inspired by overtiredness and the apparent contrast to the overabundance of wretched swine I've been subjected to (and subjected myself to in some cases) because you really can't know that quickly...can you?

...I know, I know...I have jumped the gun and let my hopes and dreams carry me ahead of my feet before. And so I am kind of hesitant and trying to keep myself grounded and level headed and not floating somewhere in the clouds... But I can't describe the effect this man has on me. He really appears to be everything I have been wanting and waiting for...and for once I don't think it's just me trying to convince myself that things are there because I want so desperately to see them in someone who interests me. Not only is he attractive, open, smart, funny, talented and sweet, there are no warning bells so far...I am not sure if that has ever happened over the course of my entire track record.

I'm in awe...and scared. Really, really scared. I cannot begin to describe the mixture of emotions I am experiencing, all jumbled together. I want to hope and believe again. I want to trust. I've already started to develop feelings for this guy, and I'm assured it's mutual...in fact, he 'fessed up before I did. And it feels like truth to me. I won't say I'm in love...but I care...and I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and let myself fall. I'm happy and excited and apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm calm and comforted and secure, yet kind of unbalanced and impatient and hopeless and fearing I'll somehow scare him away. Part of me wants to dive in and part of me is very carefully keeping it's distance. But I have divulged things to him that some of my friends are not even aware of...and I feel comfortable doing so. Considering we have only been getting to know each other for a couple of weeks at most, that's insanity is it not? God, I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass...

In the meantime, a few guys who were showing interest before (or who I was interested in myself in some cases) and had since disappeared, have magically re-appeared looking for my attention. And, with the exception of the 34 year old mentioned in my last post (who had a pretty good excuse for disappearing and all but begged me for a second chance...which I decided to give and which he also blew), I have not given it...nor even been tempted to. I closed my online dating account within days of talking to the new guy (he had closed his prior to that with no pressure for me to do the same...I wanted to. That's not happened since I opened it almost a year ago...I've hidden it from view by the dating community and/or lost interest from time to time and once or twice contemplated it, but never felt certain that I wanted to remove myself from the arena...something was telling me to wait).

There is one fly in the ointment, though (well, the only one I've really discovered so far). He's in Labrador. And we don't know when we will get to meet each other (but are both hoping it will be sooner rather than later) with our current circumstances. Normally, I would not even entertain the idea of talking to a romantic interest who wasn't close enough that I could go meet him and determine where things stood in person as soon as I felt comfortable...but I can't stand the thought of NOT entertaining the idea here. I want to know. We click so well online and on the phone and we've seen each other on cam...and, still, I tell myself, that is not the same as being in someones company. It's crazy, right? Who does this??? Certainly not this girl! In fact, I would send any of my friends who put themselves in this situation and spouted crazy talk like this for a psychiatric evaluation! How can you feel this way about someone you have never met? How can you miss them so much it hurts? We actually ask each other that...neither of us has an answer...but something inside me tells me this may very well be him. How is that possible?

...and so all I can do for now is cross my fingers and wait. And hope that something this wonderful and promising doesn't fizzle out before we get a chance to explore it further...

Tuesday Night Update

2011-03-29T22:24:00.001-02:30

I have finally made the move to try subbing in central during the week and so I'm currently residing with the parents again....well, until Friday when I go back to my own residence for the weekend and decide what to do for the following week. So far there have been no calls, but I just got here tonight and was told that I'd be added to the list today so I guess that means tomorrow is the first day I could potentially expect a call. We shall see what happens...I am thinking I had best get myself prepared to go to work just in case.

My second national TV appearance (insignificant though it may be) is set to air tomorrow night (I'll be in the background on R.O.D, if you haven't guessed) and I will be singing with my choir on Saturday, provided I can make it back to town in time for the dress rehearsal Friday night.

The 34 year old has moved to the front of the dating candidates pack. I'm not sure when I will be meeting him, but I'm hoping it will be in the near future (which he has also said...but he has yet to ask me and I'll be damned if I ask him first). I think it's important to find out whether there is any attraction/chemistry/interest in person before too long rather than converse indefinitely and have no idea...that makes it a little pointless and false in my opinion, as you can't fake or force that stuff - it's either there or it isn't. We do seem to be in agreement on a lot of things that would make him a good candidate to possibly build something meaningful with, but that's all very much dependent on what happens (or doesn't happen) after we've met.

...and that's my life in a nutshell this evening, as far as I can tell...

Awesomeness

2011-03-25T13:53:00.001-02:30

The Book of Awesome recently caught my attention at Chapters. I thought it was a great idea and so decided to follow it up online by visiting 1000 Awesome Things . In honor of that, I give to you my own short list of today's awesomeness for me off the top of my head (in no particular order):

1. It's a snow day! YAY!
2. The way my mother always leaves me voicemail messages in a singsong voice.
3. People have been talking positively and asking about me in a professional context. Awesome.
4. I am living in the same city as my best friends and my brother. What could be better than that???
5. I am looking forward to attending two parties tomorrow night. Sweet...
6. The Caramilk egg I had for dessert after lunch. YUM.
7. Shovelling after writing this will provide me with exercise for today. Bonus.
8. Yoga and a bath after shovelling would be most excellent. We shall see if I can make that happen...
9. I have the best cousin in the world who has a way of taking self-imposed pressure off of me. I love her so much for understanding and being able to do that.
10. I'm happy...which is always awesome :-)

Rays of Light

2011-03-23T13:18:00.000-02:30

On the work front:

So ever since I made up my mind to go to Central the calls have been picking up. A case of "God helps those who help themselves," perhaps? I have my new criminal record check all ready to go, anyway, so I guess I just continue to play it by ear. It's still sporadic and it's hard to be in limbo from day to day, but at least the situation has improved. I actually made up my mind to go home last Monday and ended up getting 4 days of work that week and then this week I was all set to go again but got a call Sunday night, which led into work on Tuesday and Wednesday as well. Two of those were half days, however, so I guess really it only counts as 2 days of work. Better than back in the fall, but perhaps still not good enough to warrant sticking it out for the time being when I could maybe be getting 3-4 days every week....MAYBE. It's a shame none of it can be predicted, though. One never knows when another teacher will be away or whether they'll be called to fill in for him/her during that absence. And my mother just informed me that a couple of principals out in Central have been inquiring about me again...sigh...I just keep my fingers crossed and say a little prayer every night for someone/something to guide me and help me figure out what to do.

On the latest hurt front:

I think I am getting there in regard to moving past the cheating bastard...for real this time. I just needed some more time to process and wrap my head around a few things, adjust my thought patterns toward the situation, and let go of the missing and the associated feelings. He doesn't occupy my mind so much and I don't miss him as much and I don't torture myself so much with "what if" scenarios. So weird how we do that to ourselves. Even after we've decided it isn't right for us, we have moments of weakness when those thoughts creep back in and hold our minds and hearts hostage. I just keep reminding myself that he does not deserve a moment of my time or energy - whether he's aware of having it or not - and that even if his girlfriend did buy whatever bullshit he fed her, at some point she will have to face the truth and will probably be kicking herself for staying. Much as he obviously wasn't into me in an honest, I'm-free-and-want-to-get-to-know-you-and-give-this-a-shot sense, he's also not into her if he could do what he did. Which, even though I know he is not worthy of me anyway, makes me feel better for some reason.

On the dating front:

There are a few new prospects on the horizon...leading the pack are a 34 year old, a 31 year old and a - GASP! - 24 year old?!?! How did THAT happen??? I have yet to meet any of them, but have been conversing with each of them and trying to get a feel for their personalities and a sense of whether or not there are many commonalities. I've also turned down a few invites to dinners and coffees from other men for various reasons...although as I'm typing this I'm wondering if I should perhaps reconsider on one of those...I wonder if it's too late? Hmm...

...Back to the current top 3 jockeying for position, though...it's so odd how fleeting and fickle the whole online thing can be. The littlest things can make an impact one way or another and conversations spark and dwindle, and reignite in some cases, in such an unpredictable way. Sorry...just pondering that one out loud...or onscreen, as the case may be. Anyway, the 34 year old is probably most interesting to me at this particular point in time, but the 31 year old is most attentive and the 24 year old is just downright sweet. I would normally not even consider someone so young in a potentially romantic light, but after a week of chatting he screwed up the courage to ask me about it...

In all honesty, I met a 25 year old back in the fall and afterwards told myself, "Never again." It just felt so weird to me. Same deal with the 43 year old I also met back in the fall. They kind of pushed the limits of my comfort zone in terms of age range of romantic interests, and neither of them made a very positive impression on me (although in retrospect this was probably more due to a lack of chemistry and/or attraction than their respective ages. I'm sure I would have been more forgiving and willing to look past that if the maturity was there in the 25 year old or the attraction was there with the 43 year old)...so I've been more careful when deciding whether or not to meet guys close to those ages. Most times I've shied away, but there were a few 26 year olds I was willing to give a chance. Then again, when I first looked at online dating, I wasn't even going to consider 28 and 29 year olds. It was 30 and up and even 30 was pushing it.

I guess you could say I've reevaluated my concept of a comfortable and acceptable age range to date several times in the past year. However, at this point, more and more, I'm of the opinion that it depends on the person in question. I know, I know, it's a no-brainer. It's easy to generalize though, especially with the younger guys - and I really am more hesitant to meet them because of it - but the truth is, there are older guys who are still into the same things and behaving the same way. SO, while I don't plan on dating any 20 year olds anytime in the foreseeable future, I'm thinking 24 may not be that bad as long as the 24 year old in question is on the same page as I am. My mother met my stepfather when he was 25ish and she was in her early 30s and they have been together ever since. So, despite my skepticism, I know it is possible to connect with someone younger. Likewise, I have a friend who is 30 and with a 42 year old and happier than she's ever been...but that side of things in relation to myself weirds me out even more because that's just too close to my stepfather's age. So yeah, while I tend to avoid those situations, I'm not closing myself off to the possibility entirely...while my Mr. Right would ideally be between 26-36 at this point in the reevaluation process, I wouldn't want to overlook him due to self-imposed age restrictions. Which brings us back to the no-brainer...if someone intrigues me and I feel the potential for a good connection, I owe it to myself to explore it. Wouldn't you agree?

Alone

2011-03-20T00:04:00.000-02:30

I am very much aware of my aloneness today. I've been feeling spacey and out of sorts...lonely...and disappointed at the lack of anything remotely exciting this weekend. But that's it I suppose. Not that I was fit to do anything yesterday anyway with how exhausted I was. However, at times like these I feel the need to make more single friends at the very least. It's like there's a hole in my life or something. I feel empty inside, yet not. It's so hard to explain. I guess part of me never stopped fighting acceptance of that aspect of singleness...that there will be times when I will be sitting at home bored and restless and have no one around but me to keep myself from going insane. And in a way I have come to terms with it. I'm comfortable with being home alone...although I'd rather have been out having fun tonight. Ah well, there's always next weekend I guess...Welcome to being an adult, right?

Reminders of Age

2011-03-18T16:38:00.000-02:30

Happy belated St. Paddy's Day! I celebrated by heading downtown with one of my girls. We had plenty reason to celebrate too, since it was her birthday earlier in the week and it was also the anniversary of my coming home. Couldn't very well let all that pass by unacknowledged, now could we? Anyway, cover was outrageous at the Irish bars and they were packed, but overall it was a pretty good night. What was not so good was the headache I was contending with in the wee hours of the morning or the tiredness I have been combating all day. Brutal. I have seriously been feeling half dead the since my eyes opened this morning. Yep, I am most definitely not 20 anymore! I cannot believe there was a time when I was such a trooper that I could hit George 5 nights a week and still be functional. Wow, to have that kind of resilience now! The good news is, some Starbucks and a bath seem to have me feeling at least semi-human again...

Japan Tsunami 2011

2011-03-16T11:03:00.000-02:30

I'm blown away by these videos. Wow. Just wow. And not in a good way...the devastation is just too big for words.

A Year of Singledom

2011-03-16T09:38:00.000-02:30

While the 22nd of February marked a year of being single for me, tomorrow marks a year since I got on the plane to fly home. So I figured now is as good a time as any to sum up the events and accomplishments of re-learning how to be single, re-adjusting to life in Newfoundland, and growing and adapting in general. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. I chose my own apartment for the first time and learned how to live alone for the first time
2. I picked out and purchased furniture for myself for the first time
3. I got comfortable driving in a city (albeit a small one) and on the highway solo
4. I started hiking and doing yoga again
5. I lost somewhere in the vicinity of 20-25 pounds
6. I started what I hope will eventually become a novel (which has been on the back burner for months and I should probably get back to at some point)
7. I dog sat and cat sat for the first time
8. I learned how to market myself better professionally and got better at meeting people personally and professionally
9. I gave it a shot with an old flame
10. I threw my hat into the online dating arena and met and dated a few different men
11. I busted a cheater
12. I started tutoring
13. I auditioned for and joined a new choir
14. I began volunteering on the local theatre scene
15. I made some new friends and made amends with or distanced myself from some old ones
16. I got used to being able to visit friends and family on the spur of the moment again, which is awesome
17. I played a background extra on Republic of Doyle, which was fun
18. I got reacquainted with George Street and was able to somewhat re-live the good ole days (but with better sense)
19. I re-learned how to play pool (and I'm still not very good at it)
20. I got used to shoveling myself out of my apartment and driveway

AND, most importantly:

I got smarter, stronger, and more confident in general, more attuned to myself and my senses, and my vision learned to see even more shades of grey between the black and the white. I also came to terms with the fact that I cannot save/rescue everyone else and that in order to function and be OK myself I have to create space, a buffer zone if you will, between myself and other people's problems sometimes...and that that doesn't mean I don't care and am not willing to listen and help in any way that I can, but that I can no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (figuratively speaking, of course), as I was always so apt to do.

Yup, all in all it's been a pretty eventful and productive year :-) I leave you with an inspirational cheezy video from my late teenage years/early 20s...

A Before and After of Japan in Aerial Photos

2011-03-15T10:48:00.000-02:30

Like so many others, my thoughts and prayers have recently been encompassing the people affected by the recent earthquake and tsunami in Japan. A friend of mine posted this link on facebook. I thought it was worth sharing here. The devastation evident in these photographs is just incredible. It's so hard to wrap your head around something like that when you're physically so far away from it...

Another One Bites The Dust

2011-03-15T10:34:00.000-02:30

The conversation with the previously mentioned 26 year old died off pretty quickly. I am becoming very adept at scaring males away...probably a good thing, in retrospect. However, I've come to the conclusion that if they spook that easily it's best for it to happen early on...and that if tiny little things do the trick in getting rid of them they were never right for me or worth the effort anyway. Seems to be a valid argument, right?

Once again, though, within a day or two about a half dozen or more other prospects had cropped up to take his place. Yes - I'm becoming active on the dating site again, in case you were wondering. Whether or not any of them pan out, only time will tell. I'm guessing out of the newbies I'll maybe meet one or two and the rest won't go any further than chatting...some of which will probably also be short-lived. Interesting how we connect with some people and not others...and how we can know this almost instantaneously in some cases. It's magical, really...

Inconsequential Hurts

2011-03-11T22:13:00.000-03:30

Who am I kidding? I'm not over it. I am not cold and heartless. I want to be strong. I want to say that I could care less that I'll probably never see or hear from the cheater again. And part of me wants it that way and knows that's what's best...and that dealing with this now is much better than the pain I would be feeling if I had continued seeing him and gotten closer to him. Of course I know that. But it doesn't stop the fact that I miss him. Even though I know he wasn't who I thought he was. Even though I know I did the right thing and that he didn't give a rat's ass about me, which cuts me to the quick sometimes if I'm honest. I miss him. I miss talking to him and laughing with him. I miss his eyes, his voice, his scent, his touch, his smile and his kisses. I miss his arms around me. It is so hard to admit that because at the same time, I look at the reality of the situation and I am disgusted with myself for feeling that way. The time we spent together, perfect as it was, was a total illusion. How can someone come across so genuine and innocent and be doing something so deceitful the whole time? How can any part of me be mourning the loss of someone like that? I wonder how it all was for him. I wonder if he's even given me so much as a passing thought and whether he's considered contacting me, if only to say goodbye. I don't like this feeling of weakness...but I also know these moments are fleeting and will pass. I guess on the upside, at least they show me that despite everything I am not yet totally bitter and jaded. Soon enough, this won't matter to me at all.

In the meantime, I put all that in perspective by looking at what's been going on in the world in the past 24 hours and it seems silly to even put the time into writing about it. There are far bigger things to worry about than being disappointed by wanting something that was never going to materialize anyway. I'm alive. I'm safe. I'm warm and clothed and fed and have a roof over my head, for starters. Any complaints or hurts seem rather trivial in comparison to not having those needs met. And I don't want to be a whiner. Besides, I'm sure it's just karma's way of keeping me free for bigger and better things. And just like that things don't seem so bad anymore...fleeting moment of weakness conquered. One step at a time, right?

Unexpected Gifts

2011-03-10T16:27:00.000-03:30

It really is the little things that make everything all better...

I went to bed last night hating the fact that I was missing he who has been dubbed the cheating bastard, even though I know he's not worth it. This morning, a friend sent me an incredibly beautiful and inspirational message in response to that news to remind me not to dwell on things...to accept them for what they are and find something within them to be thankful for anyway. He made me smile and lifted my spirits.

After lunch, a 7 year old non-verbal autistic boy I worked with for a half an hour about a month ago while subbing (and who doesn't usually take to anyone, I'm told) saw me walking into his school. He took my hand, kissed it, put his arms around me, pulled me down and kissed my cheek. It was precious...and it made my day.

A little boy in the class I was subbing in today who excitedly informed me that The Bachelor is choosing someone soon. I was a little taken aback and asked him if he watched the show (I don't). He informed me that his mom does and he had heard her mention it. Something about that struck me as incredibly amusing.

I held those moments in my mind and drove home smiling. The tiniest moments make the biggest and best gifts when we remember to appreciate and be thankful for them...

Easy Come, Easy Go

2011-03-09T11:06:00.000-03:30

The good guy did, indeed, get spooked. We met for coffee and he fed me a line about not really having time for anyone right now and wanting to let me know that I can go ahead and explore my other options instead of waiting for something from him that may not be coming. Oh boy. Where to start? First off, while that may be plausible, he was making all kinds of time to try and see me so I know I scared him and that's what spurred this. Secondly, he did go about it in a very mature, considerate, and admirable way and I respect and appreciate that. And thirdly, whoeverl said I was going to stop being open to meeting other people while waiting around for something from him? I think I've already learned my lesson there tenfold!

I'm also glad to report that my resiliency has apparently been heightened much more than I realized...I'm pretty much over the whole thing with the cheater already. I let myself have a little cry about it over the weekend, but that was it. There was a time when I would have been crushed over this forevermore. It's so good to know that I'm getting a little smarter and a little stronger every day. Granted, there are still aspects of the whole situation that I wonder about but I know that all I'm really required to understand is that he is a deceitful jerk. I wasn't the first, I won't be the last, and I can't look out for his girlfriend. I did my part by giving her the information. What she decided to do with it is her concern. He doesn't get to play me anymore, and that is what matters. I did decide to send him one very concise message and say what I needed to say to him, though. There were no questions or accusations and I didn't call him names or rant about how angry I was or how much he'd hurt me or anything of that sort - what would be the point? He doesn't care about any of that, anyway, and I'm not about being immature, wasting energy, or giving him power over me. But I found a way to get myself some closure by speaking to him on a level that he will hear and understand.

In the meantime, it also didn't take long for new prospects to pop up and take the place of those now stricken from my list of potential dates. It's amusing, really, when you look at it. I got an email out of the blue from a guy I haven't heard from in weeks, inviting me to dinner this past weekend...or was it the weekend before? Have I mentioned this already? Anyway, I declined...but I'm wondering what I have to lose by actually taking him up on it. You never know, right? I also got a facebook message from another guy I haven't heard from in forever...his story is a little different though. We had been chatting for a bit but hadn't actually met when he got himself a girlfriend...they broke up recently and now I'm looking like a good candidate for a rebound, I suppose. After all, we've already been in contact so that lessens the work required, right? There is also a new 26 year old (seems to be a popular age these days) who contacted me on the dating site (well, there have been others as well, but he is in the lead so far by way of being able to compose actual sentences complete with proper spelling and punctuation. The grammar I can forgive somewhat, as I take liberties with it myself from time to time). It's nice that he seems very forthcoming with information about himself so far, but at the same time, his messages are all about offering detailed information I haven't requested and not really asking much about me. Hmm...

On another note, yesterday I felt a euphoria I haven't experienced in some time and it was awesome. The littlest things sometimes make all the difference to a day, I have to say. This was initiated first by running into my best friend unexpectedly after a brutally exhausting day teaching a particularly demanding primary class. I then came home, checked my phone, and got voicemail from an assistant principal who was looking to book me for Thursday and Friday. And in those moments, I was just so incredibly happy and thankful. The sun was shining and I got in my car and drove across town with the biggest beaming smile on my face, revelling in the freedom and lightness I was experiencing inside...and it wasn't only work, money, and friendship related.

At the risk of rambling and coming across as a total crackpot, I will attempt to describe and explain:

I started reflecting on recent events and it seemed to me that the universe has, indeed, decided to start aligning things in my path. A friend of mine has been telling me for months that I am going places and I actually do feel that in my soul and in my bones from time to time. Yesterday it was strong...it felt as though the things I want are getting closer to my reach. That I am on the right path. That I have been making the right choices and have finally solidified myself, in a sense. I know who I am and I embrace it...all of me, not just pieces. In fact, I love me and I'm very proud of me. I am more myself than I have ever been and that has taken a lifetime to accomplish. I cannot begin to tell you how far I've come from being the shy, nervous, scared, insecure girl with zero confidence that I was...gullible, naive, unable to look in the mirror, afraid to stand up for herself...to the woman I am today. It's been quite a transformation and it was a very long and bumpy road, but it is SO GOOD to finally be here with so much more strength and awareness and self-worth. I actually felt yesterday that I was being rewarded for finally being true to myself...for opening, seeing, appreciating, learning, growing, and taking action in my life in so many ways after being somehow stagnant for what felt like an eternity. For being able to take a hit, deal with it quickly and effectively in a way that I'm satisfied with, and let go. For doing the right thing. And I have to admit, it also felt damned liberating and uplifting - refreshing! - to realize that I wasn't stewing or pining or even really genuinely INTERESTED in any man right now. Yep...I'm definitely getting there!

Amongst The Ashes

2011-03-06T09:10:00.000-03:30

The cheater signed onto the online dating site yesterday at the same time I was logged in and I saw that he closed his account. For some reason, that messed me up as much as when I first discovered he may have a girlfriend. I guess it just set off a chain of thoughts wondering what had happened after I'd given the girlfriend the heads up. I started to ponder whether I'd gone about things the right way...whether I should have confronted him myself as well instead of letting the girlfriend have the satisfaction (for lack of a better word) all to herself (although that's a toss up because blindsiding him had it's perks as well), whether I should have offered proof (which I have) other than my word, whether I should have asked her to call me instead of giving snippets of information online, whether she actually left him or decided to stay, what his thoughts had been once he realized what I'd done...and on and on. It was a vicious, fruitless, cycle but I couldn't help it. It just made me relive my own experience in her shoes and mull over my own course of action at that time and how I learned the hard way that it wasn't the way to go. Having my ex show me his accounts and close/delete them (the dating profile plus numerous email addresses) in front of me proved nothing. Nor did him giving me the password to his one remaining account. Because, as I realized once the anger and hurt and disgust subsided enough to allow rational thought, he could go ahead and set up a bunch of other ones at any time and I would never know. So it was a pointless, futile exercise and did nothing to restore my trust and faith in him. It took years to piece some of that trust and faith back together, and it was never quite whole again...the littlest things triggered doubts and suspicions sometimes, which was followed by the ceaseless internal battle: was I being paranoid out of my fear of being burned again or were my instincts trying to tell me something still wasn't right? I should have stuck to my initial reaction - I already had his bags packed by the time he got home, after all.

I have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing and that whatever happened afterwards has nothing to do with me and has no bearing on my life. You can only lead a horse to water...you can't make it drink. I wonder what she'd think if she knew he told me he's never been in love...or whether he was able to talk himself out of the fact that he told me he'd had sex with an ex recently and had been seeing someone this past summer...? The bottom line is I gave her enough information to bury him. What she decides to do with it is out of my hands. I admit, I was really hoping the S.O.B would end up miserable and alone out of it, but again, what would it matter? Firstly, someone who could be the way he was with me while having a long term girlfriend the whole time obviously has no conscience and probably no heart, either. Secondly, as a friend of mine pointed out, being in a relationship and cheating on the person he's with kinda makes him as alone as you can get already. And as I realized myself, he is such a smooth operator that any alone time most likely wouldn't last long anyways. He'd be back on the horse and making new victims in no time. I wanted to believe him up to the very end because I liked him so much and didn't want to shatter the illusion of who I thought he was and the potential of what we could possibly have, so I can only imagine how much worse that must be for her, having been with him for a longer period of time and invested so much into the relationship already. I'm thankful that I found out before I got too emotionally involved myself. It's always better to find out someone is not to be trusted sooner rather than later. The sad things is, despite everything, part of me will miss him...well, miss who I thought he was anyway...the witty, intelligent, funny guy I conversed and bantered with daily and who I happened to share some mad physical attraction and chemistry with as well. Of course, all I have to do is remind myself that he is a lying, cheating, manipulating jerk who played me as well as his girlfriend and that dissipates quite a bit. I'm sure I'll get over this pretty quickly. If nothing else, he doesn't deserve my thoughts and energy.

On another note, I was overtired last night and said something I shouldn't have to the (so far, apparently) super nice new guy...I hope it doesn't have too big of an impact. It would suck if he is legitimately a good guy and being messed up over a jerk caused me to scare him off...

...and because it does such a good job of expressing the thoughts and emotions experienced by the parties navigating these types of situations, I leave you with:

Busted

2011-03-04T16:43:00.000-03:30

The air has been cleared in a sense...I had a conversation with the skilled liar/cheat/manipulator's girlfriend and informed her of what I knew (the basic facts, minus hurtful details) and the role I had unwittingly played in his deception. He picked the wrong girl to lie to, this time. I would love to be a fly on the wall for what happens next, but all I can do is hope she is smarter than I was in my past relationship and leaves right away instead of giving him the opportunity to "learn from his mistakes" (ie hone his skills) and do it again without getting caught. Either way, I did what I could to right the wrong and I suppose I will just have to be satisfied with that. She did make a comment to the effect that he is now single, however. I have to say, I'm very sorry that someone got hurt (well myself and the girlfriend, to be exact... I'm not sure whether he actually has a heart.) but I also have to admit that there is a certain grim, smug (bitter?) satisfaction that comes from playing the player. How DARE he insult my intelligence and take advantage of my trusting nature. It's just a sad realization that while I may have put the kibosh on his current activities (maybe, perhaps...), he will most likely go on to do this to other women in the future. You know what they say..."Once a cheater..."

Restlessness and Ramblings

2011-03-03T18:52:00.000-03:30

I'm currently sitting on my couch feeling rather restless. I'm not quite sure what to be doing with myself at the moment. I am not a fan of that feeling...so, but of course, I turned to writing.

I worked everyday this week and will be working again tomorrow, which is awesome. Today was a bit of a challenge, but I got through it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Either way, it's just good to be working, feeling useful, and making money.

...and I just got distracted by an article on the NTV news...someone bought a lock of Justin Bieber's hair for $40 000. Are you freaking kidding me? That's insane! Bonus for the charity the money is going to, I suppose, but I cannot understand how/why people would throw money around like that on something so silly. Why in the world would you want a lock of Justin Bieber's hair?!?!? It's beyond me...

Back to my world...the latest unwanted drama has become a waiting game and I am wondering how it will turn out. My stomach is in knots in the meantime. It's so hard to wait when you just want something to be resolved so you can let it go and be done with it. I suppose I could just ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. I've been on the reverse side of this situation - existing in the midst of so many lies and so much suspicion with eyes half open for so long, hoping against hope that I was wrong. The feeling/sensing but not knowing was an extended mental and emotional torture I could have done without. I hope I go about this the right way...

I also recently met one of the nicest guys who has ever crossed my path...at least that's what he appears to be so far. Only time will tell if that is a legitimate impression. I hope it is...whether it goes anywhere or not. It would just be nice to know there are some legitimately good guys out there. Yes, I'm feeling a little bitter and disillusioned at the moment...

Where There's One Lie...

2011-03-01T00:45:00.001-03:30

Again, I will state that I would make a damn fine detective. And that my instincts are pretty good, even if I do reserve judgment and give people a chance - a lot of the time more than they deserve. As is the case here, folks. Remember the little white lies I mentioned previously? Well a little careful observation and browsing facebook et voila - it appears the liar in question WAS covering up something more. Like the fact that he's in a relationship....and has been seeing me (albeit casually). Now, the question is how to handle this information. I am one angry lady at the moment, but I think I will sleep on it and decide later what shall be done. This man once told me that he got the vibe that I am potentially dangerous...I am tempted to prove him right.

I am extremely disappointed. In so many ways, and on so many levels...

The One

2011-02-26T12:27:00.000-03:30

While talking to a friend this morning (whom I've never met), I got to thinking about the concept of "The One" again. There seem to be split camps on the issue and I no longer know where I fall. It used to be that I believed strongly in there being one true soul mate for each of us; that one incredible person who revealed themselves to be the other half of our whole. The one person we could never live without again who awed us to no end.

Then I grew up. And I gathered some life experience...did some thinking and observing and living. It started to occur to me that most people don't experience that. It's more a case of choosing someone you can love and accept despite their faults. Someone who will be there and work with you on common life goals. Or, in the case of the less than lucky, someone to try and force it to work with...a person to battle with and fight against while stubbornly refusing (or being too afraid) to throw in the towel.

I asked a friend of mine a while back, "How did you know your husband was the right man?" Her response was, "You just know. Everything started to fall into place and it was just so easy and it all happened pretty fast once it started." It was kind of like the response I got from my cousin when I was 18 and asked, "How do you know you're in love?" and she, of course, replied, "I can't explain it. You just know."

Well, I've been infatuated more than my share of times and I've been in a couple of pretty serious relationships, but so far no one has really WOWed me. Well, OK, a couple have...but that was more a case of the infatuation outweighing the reality of them as people. It's so disappointing sometimes, isn't it? Finding out that you thought someone was so much better than they actually are...? Anyway, I digress...

In this morning's conversation, I expressed that it seems to me that while a lot of couples out there ARE "forcing" it (or trying their damnedest to, in any case), there are those incidents where you just kind of seem to find yourself in someone else's life and be compelled to act on it or regret it forever. And I think in those cases you do, indeed, "just know." I think that we meet and experience a few bad apples so that when someone who deserves us comes along we understand enough to properly appreciate the gift that they are and suddenly all that prior experience makes sense as the precursor we required to prepare for this.

I also think that the powers that be present us with this person we can't ignore when we are prepared for it. That doesn't necessarily mean when we THINK we are prepared either, but when we actually ARE. There are times when you think you are ready for something and when you get it you realize that you most definitely are not. Likewise, there are times when you think you are NOT ready for something, yet when it arrives you find that you have no problem handling it at all. Not that I view soul mates as things that need to be "handled" - more like pieces that seamlessly fit into their proper place in the puzzle when the other pieces are aligned. I'm currently assembling and solidifying the package of pieces that constitutes my own life. Once they have been fully assembled, I'll be much better able to identify the person who is supposed to occupy the space that is left. In the meantime, I am free - almost obligated, really - to try a few different fits and see how they work. Of course, they will all inevitably be going to the discard pile of odd puzzle pieces for other people to sort through until they are identified by their rightful match...and someone out there is doing the same thing in their search for me. The magic happens when the time is right and we finally discover each other.

So, yeah, I guess I kinda do still believe in there being one person I'm meant to be with, even though it could potentially work with several. Perhaps it just depends on which of those shows up in my life first? Or perhaps it's already been decided and chance has no bearing on who it will be. And perhaps it has a lot to do with my own personal level of contentment and patience...

Dancing with Deceit

2011-02-25T20:43:00.000-03:30

I have pretty good instincts, I'm discovering. And when something doesn't sit right with me, dirty laundry has a way of coming to the top of the hamper, shall we say. In this case, it was a couple of little white lies that I haven't decided what to do with yet. But it irks me. Why do people feel the need to be dishonest? Are these lies inconsequential, or do they hide something more substantial? Is the liar in question a basically good person who chose to hide a couple of things rather than give a rational explanation for them? Or are they actually not to be trusted at all? I guess only time will tell...but my radar is now on alert, as it should be. Burn me once, burn me twice, and so on...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not intending to come across as perfect or holier-than-thou. Lord knows I have my share of faults and have been guilty of bending the truth myself on occasion, like everyone else on this planet. But overall I pride myself on being honest and trustworthy. In other words, I know my own character and intentions...but how well can you ever really know someone else's?

I generally think you either trust people until they give you a reason not to or you trust no one until they prove themselves worthy of it. I tend to do a little of both, depending on the vibes someone gives me. However, I have also noticed that I have the tendency to see the good in people to the extent of giving more credit than is due a lot of the time...which makes me question myself at times like this and wonder if I am being too naive and trusting. But I am not one to judge quickly or harshly and believe people generally have reasonable motives for their actions (there are always exceptions, of course), so it creates a bit of an internal conundrum.

Time will tell, as I said. In the meantime, I have to decide whether to confront this person and ask for clarification for the untruths or let them go and keep my observations to myself for now. Tough decision in some ways. I don't want to jump to the wrong conclusions and I also really don't respect or appreciate being lied to. On the other hand, I don't want to put this person on the defensive for several reasons.

Ah well, at least I know I'd make a damn fine detective. Perhaps a new career choice if teaching falls through...?

Brighter Days Ahead

2011-02-24T13:26:00.001-03:30

I worked this morning. Yay! I am also working tomorrow morning. Total cause for celebration :-). It's funny how we get different perspectives on these things according to our circumstances. I can remember being overworked and wishing for time to relax in the not so distant past..and now I can see that I was actually more fortunate than I realized at the time. It's easy to take things for granted and complain about them when you haven't experienced their flip side.

Anyway, I am still waiting for my paperwork to go through to give NCSD a shot, but in the meantime I'm just very happy to be feeling useful and making money. It appears I have suddenly become visible and people are going out of their way to help me get ahead..which is much appreciated. So, again, putting it out there to the universe in gratitude and hopefulness that this trend will continue...

The Revolutionary Wave

2011-02-23T14:35:00.000-03:30

As I was sitting on my couch this afternoon watching Just For Laughs and reading about current developments in Libya (a somewhat ludicrous contrast, I know), it hit me anew how lucky I am to live in a country where relative safety, democracy and liberation are inherent to society. I know it was not always that way, but I'm pretty sure the situation also never exactly paralleled the one facing many Northern Africans and Middle Easterners recently. I have been blessed enough to be born in a time and place where these things were fought for and established before I came along. I am so thankful for that. At the same time, it is so mind blowing to live in a world where people are still fighting for those things. To hear about and watch their battle really puts a lot of things in perspective for me. I really hope they all succeed in rendering the changes they desire without too much bloodshed...

How Can This Happen?

2011-02-17T11:14:00.000-03:30

I was browsing through news articles this morning (something I - shockingly - rarely do) and the headline "State had been warned about abused dead girl, injured boy found in truck" caught my attention. So I read the article. And it is very disturbing.

I don't understand how people could possess so much cruelty within them - and to inflict it upon children is even more despicable. I also don't understand how it is that these children, sadly, continue to slip through the cracks and suffer neglect and abuse for so long with no one the wiser - or with people being aware of it and no one doing anything to stop it, which is even worse. I can't believe that the people in a position to put an end to these children's misery failed to do their job and a little girl lost her life because of it.

Granted, there are two (or three, depending on how you look at it) sides to every story. There is the possibility that child welfare workers are overwhelmed with their workload or any number of other contributing factors that may make it more difficult to do their job efficiently. However, if that is the case, then obviously the root problems need to be addressed.

The Big Decision

2011-02-17T00:11:00.000-03:30

So it looks like it will be Option B: moving home to sub in the short term. Scratch that...not moving, just going there and working for awhile. I have mixed feelings about this, but time and money wise it seems to be my best bet at the moment. I really hope it will be a positive and work out well, but the only way to find out is to do it. I also hope it doesn't take long to get my application processed...

Wish me luck!

The Putting Myself First Plan

2011-02-16T10:07:00.000-03:30

Well, here it goes...I figure if I put it out there for the world to see there may be a better chance of me tackling and sticking to it...I just have to create it first...SO what does it mean to put myself first?

In order to get all my ducks in a row, I need to take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally/spiritually, and financially and make sure my own needs are met. So now I'll break it down and see what that looks like/what I have to work on:

1. Physically - get on a regular sleep/wake schedule, exercise followed by stretching in some form at least four times per week, limit junk food intake to weekends, drink between one and two litres of water per day, quit smoking again (which requires a whole plan of it's own and I must be completely ready and committed to it before attempting in order to ensure success).

2. Mentally/emotionally/spiritually - pray, meditate, practice deep breathing, remember gratitude daily, stop wasting thought, time and energy on people and things that don't warrant it, only make time for people who make time for me, write regularly, pursue theatre, prepare to quit smoking, limit exposure to negative influences if and when possible, redefine personal and professional goals and take action.

3. Financially - keep better track of spending, pay off debt, start saving again, increase income (which is the current sticking point, the concept being very much convoluted in my brain and requiring further thought and clarification. In fact, I have been sitting here staring at the screen trying to determine how to even organize the jumble of ideas so that they can be followed and understood).

Short term, I am thinking my options include:

A. Get those resumes out to the schools in St. John's and surrounding area (of course they are closed again today) and volunteer and network like crazy
B. Drum up some more tutoring
C. Move home and try subbing there
D. Perhaps pursue freelance writing
E. Apply for other jobs outside of teaching
F. Pray long and hard to be able to make ends meet
G. Go teach overseas

Long term, I need to consider:

A. Staying put in the teaching field and sticking it out until a full-time position comes my way
B. Going back to school and pursuing further education to use either in the teaching field or some other undetermined area
C. What areas I'd be interested in other than teaching
D. What would be involved in pursuing other areas of interest

...which brings me full circle and I'm still no further ahead with the biggest issue I need to tackle. Finances and career path. Sigh. That really bugs me. The ticking of the clock is like a sonic boom in my ears and I can feel my neck getting tighter with each passing second that I haven't decided on a definite course of action/life plan. SO much pressure...How is it that this totally paralyzes me? Grrrrr....I need to break it down and make it more manageable somehow but I'm really at a loss here with so much to consider and time running out. I feel like I can't tackle all those things at once because it will mean my energies are scattered all over the place...so where do I focus them...? OK...think. Be rational. It's not THAT difficult. Whoa. Spiralling. In the words of my darling stepfather, "The main thing is not to panic." So... I guess now would be a good time to take a breather and realize that organizing it on paper (or the screen in this case) is a step in the right direction. Come back to it later and scrutinize one option at a time. And they are not all mutually exclusive either. Deep breathing, anyone...? :-)

As an afterthought, a few of the happiest acquaintances I know in terms of work life are ones who have also expressed the impossibility of planning these things. They say it just happened...Wouldn't that be nice? I suppose I could add "pray for karma to drop my ideal life in my lap" to my list...

Infidelity

2011-02-15T14:26:00.001-03:30

So over the past few months I have added a bunch of guys from the online dating site to my MSN in order to chat and get to know them better. No surprise there. And I've heard that there are a lot of cheaters out there who use this avenue to drum up affairs. But I hadn't experienced it myself (knowingly, at least) until a couple of nights ago (well...unless you count the random message I got on the dating site itself a few weeks ago asking if I'd like to have a threesome with some guy and his wife - but I'm assuming wifey is in on that...unless the guy plans on having unexplained girls pop up in their bed, which I'm sure would be interesting but probably not go over well).

Getting back to my story, though, I had chatted with this guy...we'll call him M...a few times and found that the conversation was pretty good. He is also a fellow teacher and so was able to relate to me that way and offer some suggestions on how to improve my current job situation. Anyway, I commented on the fact that he is rather vague about certain things and made a joke about him being paranoid, etc. He denied the paranoia, but pointed out the fact that I had forgotten the possibility that perhaps he is married and didn't want me to know. So I asked, point blank, "Are you married?" and was shocked when the response came back, "Yes."

I don't know why, but that never ceases to blow my mind. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I cannot wrap my head around why or how people can do that sort of thing - although it happens all the time. Admittedly, there have been a couple of occasions when I was tempted but I never even came close to going through with it, despite being unhappy in the relationships I was in at the time. I am of the opinion that if you are not happy with someone and can't work through things then you should part ways and give each other a fresh chance at happiness. In the meantime, if you are together then you are together - that means you don't disrespect and betray them by being unfaithful...for obvious, and numerous, reasons.

M claimed that he has been married a few years, loves his wife, and has never cheated on her. He said they used to have a great sex life but that they aren't able to have sex anymore. He also said that he is happy most of the time, but that he doesn't know what will happen to the relationship in future (although he has no intention of leaving). Yet he admitted that his intention in contacting me was to try and meet me and have sex with me. M also expected me to believe that I was the only woman he was talking to from the dating site (well, M, I'm sorry to inform you that your MSN profile tells another story) and that it had taken him a couple of months to work up the nerve to send me a message due to the factors of guilt and intimidation.

Anyway, obviously that revelation changed everything and caused a lot of questions and turmoil within me for a short time. I asked him a bunch of things in an effort to understand his thinking (don't ask why - it's just how I am. I like to understand things, whether I agree with them or not). Part of me was disappointed that he was no longer a potential candidate on my dating list (although thank God on the other hand because he's certainly not the type of man I'd want to be involved with) and that my morals would no longer justify me talking to him. Part of me was reminded of finding my ex-boyfriend's profile on a dating site and being devastated over the whole ordeal. Yet another part of me sympathized with him about having a less than satisfactory sex life, which I experienced in one of my previous relationships as well and which was certainly not easy. I told myself at the time that it wasn't as important as all the other aspects of the relationship, but I also promised myself when I got out that I would NEVER sacrifice that again. Mostly, though, I just felt bad for his wife, who had apparently gone to bed early feeling sick, which had allowed him to get online and talk to me (of course, I didn't know that at the outset of the conversation).

I guess the bottom line is that this sort of thing gives one a lot to think about in terms of trust and commitment, secrecy and lies. I could go on and on about how you never really know someone, or about how you have to trust until you have a reason not to...I could wax poetic about the need to trust your instincts or how things have a way of coming out in the wash...but I'm sure you can ponder all those things by yourself without my aid - and most likely already have at some point or another.

Frustrated, Incorporated

2011-02-15T13:44:00.000-03:30

Today has so far been a write off for me. Well...not completely. There is one very good thing that has happened: I have decided that I'm done with wallowing. I am so frustrated with myself and sick of listening to myself whine and the stress of everything being the same overall is getting to be too much to bear. I need action. I need change. I need to kick my own ass and get the hell outta this slump because I'm not a fan of the boat I'm in. The clock is ticking. It has never stopped. And although I have taken steps in the right direction, I haven't followed through completely. The most recent in this series of steps includes making a comprehensive list of the schools in the Eastern District that are within reasonable distance from my home and which I could sub at, given the opportunity, and printing off 30 resumes to hand deliver to those schools (some of which I've already visited and some of which I haven't). However, I have so far only visited one (after a fiasco yesterday that involved nearly breaking my toe followed by getting stuck in the driveway for some time, which put me way behind my intended schedule). I also called Nova Central and left a message asking whether I would have to resubmit a complete application package were I to move home and get back on their sub list. They haven't gotten back to me yet...

Anyway, as I was saying, it's time to get stubborn and determined once again. Granted, being gentle and kind with yourself is sometimes necessary. And I did need that...along with patting myself on the back for the littlest accomplishments at times. But I made an important bleedingly obvious discovery today: much as I have talked about it, I haven't truly sat down and solidified what it is that I want for myself and how to go about getting it. I haven't fully realized what it means to put myself first or how to go about doing that, either. And I sabotage myself. I sit and think for a little while and then I get overwhelmed with the number of options before me and the lack of surety about anything and back burner everything again without coming to any concrete conclusions or taking action and so I am no further ahead. Rather than risk making the wrong decision or taking the wrong path, I stall. But I need to clarify my goals in order to figure out my direction. And I need to focus my energy more efficiently and productively than I have been in order to reach those goals.

So, I will forgive myself for the fact that I didn't have it in me to go out with a cold and shovel myself out of my apartment and my driveway today in order to hit some schools on my list. And I will try not to be too bummed that the guy I've been looking forward to seeing tonight cancelled on me and will be flying overseas for a family thing and I won't get to spend time with him until he gets back. But I will also think seriously about my future. I will look at my options closely and I will truly weigh the pros and cons. No one can do this but me. And if I want to be self-sufficient again (which I very much do) I have to put a plan into motion ASAP.

There is one more thing I will do...I will ask you if there is any advice or experience you would like to share as to how you came to discover your own path in life. Sometimes the most random tidbits set off a series of thoughts and events that take us places we could never have imagined...perhaps you could prove to be my catalyst :-)

Sunday Night Meanderings

2011-02-13T21:53:00.000-03:30

So here's all the recent news:

My laptop died and I have a new MacBook Pro...which is awesome....and which also engenders mixed emotions in me. On the one hand, I'm so grateful to have wonderful parents who help me out when I'm in a bind. On the other, I'm embarrassed (almost ashamed) and feeling guilty to be 30 and leaning on them. It's so hard to not be self sufficient. It really does a number on your self worth...which I think I've alluded to before.

I've met a few more guys...a couple were duds and a couple seemed decent. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again. Of the two guys I was hanging out with fairly regularly (note: that does not mean sleeping with), I've stopped seeing one and am continuing to see the other...although I see him a little less than I would like. I'm finding it very hard to get an accurate read on him so I'm making it a point to keep my heart well-guarded and my emotions in check. He's fun. And smart. And there is some mad physical attraction and chemistry that goes both ways...it will be interesting to see how this plays out (although I already have two possible scenarios in mind). I have also been conversing regularly with another guy who seems to be very mature and in line with my way of thinking in a lot of ways, but I have yet to meet him. I'm still considering closing my online dating account but have yet to make the move (although I've hidden my profile so I'm not visible to Joe Public anymore which means a significant drop in mail and I'm alright with that right now).

It's getting impossible to make ends meet (not that it has ever been easy since coming home) and so now it's crunch time. I have to seriously consider moving back with my parents during the week in order to afford my apartment in town (which I cannot think of giving up). I have debated getting a part time job (or five) while trying to round up more subbing time or applying for non-teaching jobs that may pay the bills, but right now it doesn't seem like any of that wants to fall in line and so my best bet appears to be buying time by going home and crossing my fingers I'll get more sub time out there. It won't be forever, of course. I am hoping I'll either miraculously come to some enlightening conclusions as to what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life and go after it with conviction (whether that be stay on the teaching track or veer onto another course) or at the very least get back on solid financial ground and be able to give it another go next year getting my foot in the door with the Eastern District. I feel like such a failure to have not made it work this time around, but I guess I need to put it in perspective and look at the fact that I've actually done better with it than a lot of subs with the amount of headway I was able to make...It's sad, really.

I still have not gotten back on the writing wagon or the Artist's Way one either.

My weight loss has been pretty stable at around 23 pounds, give or take. I am hoping to kick start some more pound droppage pretty soon.

I still have not quit smoking again, but I'm determined to kick it soon.

...and finally, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I honestly don't care in the least, which surprises the hell out of me. In fact, were it not for radio announcements and a sighting of men out scurrying around and scouring the shelves for merchandise at WalMart tonight, I would be completely oblivious as to it's arrival. I really thought I'd be distraught over this. Go figure. As I said to my best friend (who I accompanied on said WalMart excursion and who also happens to be single) after directing another misguided soul to the shopping cart containing the remnants of the Lindor chocolates that had been raided from the shelves, "Thank God we are not on the receiving/reciprocating end of all that last minute shopping." That's not to say that all those girlfriends are going to be disappointed...or that I didn't appreciate the tokens of affection I was given over the years...but honestly, I would much rather be the recipient of something that reflected thought from someone deserving of my love from now on than the crumbs I settled for before (I can certainly do without another cheezy stuffed toy sitting around collecting dust...although I suppose commercialization is somewhat to blame for that). Until that amazing person comes along, I'm more than happy to be spending special occasions solo :-) After all, they are only as special as the company you keep, and my girlfriends are the most special people in my life right now. I don't know what I'd do without them...or the incredibly supportive family I have been blessed to be born into. I have to say, though, I was quite impressed with my brother this year. He had the forethought to surprise his girlfriend with a dozen roses and dinner reservations over the weekend. I never thought he had it in him...

Anyway, a very happy Valentine's Day to all you love birds out there. May it be your best one yet (and may you all enjoy genuine displays of love, passion, and affection from your special someones)!

It's Been Awhile

2011-01-26T00:44:00.000-03:30

...and sadly, not a lot has changed. I've gotten busy, somehow, but I can't really pinpoint why or how that is, exactly.

On the positive side, I have managed to get a couple more sub days, which is a bonus, and I've started tutoring a junior high student. I'm keeping my fingers crossed more of those opportunities will start coming my way. I also got to see myself on the Republic of Doyle season 2 premiere, which was pretty neat (although I have to admit, I was pretty distracted with other things that night and didn't really pay attention to the show other than the shots I knew I'd be in and I missed last week's episode altogether).

On the negative side, I just got some unwanted mail pertaining to my finances and my laptop has been giving me trouble. I'm hoping these things will resolve themselves with minimal headaches.

On the dating front, I am considering shutting down the online account. I've hidden my profile already. It is depressing getting oodles of messages from people I have nothing in common with and am not interested in as compared to the rare contact from men who seem to be what I may be looking for...which at this point pretty much consists of the combination of decent, respectful, intelligent, fun, and willing to hang out and get to know each other with no expectations, no pressure, and no booty calls. I was starting to feel positively about a couple of prospects, but they seem to have all turned to ashes. Likewise, the friendships I had previously cultivated seem to have dissipated as those friends moved on and found themselves girlfriends. Yes. I'm bitter, frustrated, and disappointed in that department...but I'm trying to convince myself it is for the greater good the universe has planned for me, as with everything else.

On the personal front, I know I need to focus on me and my life and get everything in order. I know I need to take better care of myself and use my energy more wisely...I've been saying this for months...I just can't seem to figure out how to get it all together and make it happen. It seems to be that I improve one area to the detriment or neglect of another, somehow. I am not really sure what it is that I need, for starters...I'm just taking it day by day and doing my best as often as I can muster. I have come to a standstill in the weight loss department, but I'm hoping to get back on track with that as well...and The Artist's Way, which has fallen by the wayside, along with my blogging and writing. I am also trying to spend more time with the people who bring me comfort and positivity and limit my exposure to those who have the opposite effect. I feel as if I have been standing at the crossroads surveying traffic for an indeterminate amount of time and unable to move in any given direction...and on nights like tonight, I feel defeated and alone. Although I know I am never alone and have so much and so many to be thankful for.

I guess the only thing to do for now is to take it day by day...to remember to hold gratitude and hope in my heart and take more little steps to get on track bit by bit, as I have been doing. To forgive myself and pick myself back up each time I fall and to praise and congratulate myself with each small victory or success. Eventually, the stars will align and everything will fall into place and make sense. There has to be some reason I have been stuck in this limbo for so long. A lot of healing has taken place, but it isn't done yet. And I'm sure there is more growth that has yet to occur. I'm calmer, on the whole, and I do feel somewhat more grounded in a way, so that has to be a good thing. It's so easy to get caught up in the minutiae sometimes, is all...

It's going to be OK, right? ...it has to be...

Bagless

2010-12-14T17:53:00.000-03:30

I try to make it a habit to bring my own cloth bags when shopping. However, there are times I forget or I am only purchasing an item or two and don't really need a bag either way. In those instances, I tell the cashier right away that no bag is needed...but some of them are pretty quick on the draw and have one all ready to go by then. I have to say, it really bugs me when I grab my stuff to go and they take the bag they were going to give me and throw it in the trash. Why not just reuse it on the next customer? It kind of makes my intended good deed a bad one and leaves me feeling guilty that I didn't just take the damn bag and recycle it myself...

Lucky Day

2010-12-13T19:13:00.000-03:30

It may be silly, but I just felt the need to put this out to the universe and say thank you...

In The Artist's Way, Julia Cameron writes about synchronicity - which she explains as things that randomly pop up in our lives when we are thinking about them. I had two such instances today...The first occurred when I was shopping with my mother and found facial moisturizers I'm running out of and have been contemplating ordering online, although they are somewhat pricey and I couldn't really justify buying them at the moment. Lo and behold, when I walked into Winner's, there they were on the shelf (I've never seen them in Newfoundland) for almost half the price I am used to paying for them. A very little thing, but I was thankful and happy nonetheless.

The second instance was when I (stupidly) locked myself out of my apartment this evening. I was thinking of the extra key my landlady gave me and wishing she was home so that I could see if there was another key floating around (I never thought I would be so lucky, but it doesn't hurt to check). It so happened that she was away, but her daughter was home so I went upstairs to look up a locksmith. Shortly after I called him (and was told it would cost me $60), she pulled into the driveway. I explained what had happened and she went over to her friend's house to see if they might have an extra key (they live on the same street and were taking care of the house for her after she bought it and before she moved in). Her friend was also out, but her husband handed us a ring of keys and said that one of them might be for the apartment, he wasn't sure. We walked back over to my place and, as luck might have it, the first one she tried got me in. I said a little prayer of gratitude for whoever/whatever was looking out for me and called the locksmith as soon as I got in. Unfortunately, he had arrived in the driveway by that time and was none to happy about it. I was sincerely apologetic, but he hung up on me anyway.

I suppose while I'm at it, there is a third thing that recently struck me as strange...one day last week, an old professor of mine from my MUN days popped into my head - I can't remember why. Oddly enough, on Friday night's performance of Messiah, I looked over to my left at the audience at one point and guess who was sitting there in the second row? I'm wondering if there is some significance to that and if perhaps he (or what he represents) is somehow a part of the answer to the puzzle of my life I've been trying to put together in terms of my career path and getting employed again. It's something to think about, anyway...

Although there are often weird coincidences that mean nothing on the surface, as one friend said to me a while back, "The signs of life are always there for us if we remember to look for them." It really makes you wonder sometimes...

Thursday Afternoon Update

2010-12-09T15:40:00.000-03:30

OK, so I've been yo-yo-ing a bit with the whole weight loss thing, but I think things are on the decrease again. I reached a new low today - YAY! I got to pre-boyfriend-number-two weight a while ago and went back up a few pounds, but I have broken through the threshold and am now below that. In 8.2 pounds I will be at pre-boyfriend-number-one (yes, there have only been two long terms...and they ate up this decade for me). This excites me almost as much as the fact that there is a new bra store in town (which I have yet to check out). It is about damn time St. John's!!! AH, bliss....I was really wondering what the hell I was going to do when I needed to go shopping for unmentionables and contemplating the shipping costs from my favourite lingerie shop in Kelowna was not pretty...

Alas, I digress...

My mother, God bless her, has been pressuring me to make plans for the holidays. It will be my first Christmas on the island since 2004 and my first single one since I was 20. What makes it weird for me, though, is that my brother will be staying in town with his girlfriend and my parents will be out around the bay...and I have to decide where to be. And for some reason, having to make that decision triggers a very emotional response in me. The thought has crossed my mind to just stay at my apartment solo and see them all at some other point (other than Christmas Day) throughout the holidays, but I can't seem to bring myself to commit to any plan of action yet and I don't see why she insists on hounding me to figure it out.

I have been applying myself to figuring out what it is I want to do with my life in terms of career and so far every thought engenders several more but nothing is really screaming at me, "THIS IS YOUR PATH!!!" How disappointing is that???

After quite a few nasty bumps in the road in a close friendship over the past few months, I am contemplating cutting ties. This is never an easy thing to do and I am certainly not a fan, but sometimes self-protection trumps all. I can't say that I particularly enjoy feeling like someone else's personal punching bag at the moment or that I am being continually judged by someone I considered "friend." You know how the saying goes..."With friends like that..." And, well, when it starts to feel like a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? No, thank you. I wouldn't tolerate that from a boyfriend and so I see no reason why I should cater to it with a friend.

Oh, and that great guy I thought I had met? Turns out he may not be so great after all. Go figure. After a couple of dates and a whole lot of online conversation - in all of which we seemed to totally click and enjoy each other's personalities immensely (read: battle of wits, smile and laughter explosion, complemented with what appeared to be sparkly, googly-eyed adoration coming from him) - I am starting to get the vibe that perhaps he is a bit of a player. Which, I suppose, would account for the incredible acting skills if all that crap wasn't genuine. The boy is good, I'll give him that...but if he thinks I'm going to be one of those girls who is content to hang around on the back burner and soak up any pittance of attention she is paid, he's got a lot to learn. So, currently I'm keeping my eyes and my options open and waiting to see what happens (damn my hopeful optimistic side for choosing to make an appearance in this arena, but I really do like this one and can't help but hope that he IS being genuine and ISN'T trying to play me), but seriously starting to think putting a freeze on exploring romantic interests may be in order again soon. I really wonder what this whole thing is like from the male perspective, given that our brains operate so differently...

Getting Back Up

2010-12-06T00:31:00.000-03:30

If you have been following this blog at all, you already know that it has been a rather rough year for me so far. Granted, everyone has their ups and downs, but I sort of feel like I've been mostly down and often kicked over the past 12 months. I am happy to say that I am now entering a period of renewed strength, determination, action, and optimism. It feels good. It is still a bumpy road and there are still obstacles in my path and decisions that are screaming at me to be made, but I am resilient - a fighter and a survivor, despite being such a whiner sometimes. Let's face it...there are a lot worse things I could have gone through than what I have. However, that is cold comfort when you are the person who is feeling lost and whose life is in utter upheaval.

Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.

In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.

I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...

And so I leave you with:

(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)

The Tangled Webs We See

2010-11-22T10:54:00.001-03:30

This has been a very weird month for me so far. One man I dated suddenly updated his facebook status to say that he is in a relationship after I had not talked to him in a few days, which left me wondering...hmmm...when did that occur? Does he work really fast or was he seeing her while he was seeing me? Does she know he still checks his online dating account? Or that he even has one?

It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...

What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.

As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.

I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.

I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral dilemma...no doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.

There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.

Tuesday Night Funny

2010-11-16T20:48:00.001-03:30

A friend of mine posted this on facebook and I just had to steal it and repost it here because it made me laugh so much. I hope it does the same for you :)

...for the record, I actually like Sean Paul as well :)