Thursday, September 23, 2010

Spared By Igor

So. I am happy to report that I got off lightly. All I had to contend with was a power outage of several hours and extreme boredom. There were many who were not nearly as fortunate, and, while I am ever grateful that I was spared, my heart goes out to them. Within my own family, there was extensive property damage but, thankfully, no injuries or loss of life. I actually did not realize the severity of what was going on outside for the most part (and in different parts of the island), as I opted to stay at home (with no phone, cable, or Internet - hence the obliviousness to anything I could not see out the kitchen window) to aid my mother in keeping her sanity. She's a big worrier, and I didn't want to add to her stress...not that it was a completely selfless action...I have to admit, it was not very tempting to go through the door with the weather as it was...I've seen the countless stream of pictures and videos on facebook though. Not nice. Here's hoping everyone effected will get the help they need to bounce back sooner rather than later.

...In other news, I have finally started contacting theatre and choir groups and am hoping to have some memberships solidified soon.

Friday, September 17, 2010

Treading New Ground and Lacking Excitement

I have been tepidly navigating the world of online dating off and on for the past few months. It is certainly a whole new ballgame trying to meet people when you are nearing 30 as opposed to when you are barely 20, let me tell you!

I was thinking I was doing better than the average Internet dater, judging by the cynical profile descriptions and horror stories of whackos - through sheer luck, everyone I had talked to up to a certain point seemed relatively normal and decent...and then the weirdos started coming out of the woodwork. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm surprised at the number of guys (I can't really speak for the girls as I haven't been perusing them or conversating with them) who are willing to sleep with someone they've never seen a picture of or spoken to/chatted with, let alone met! Wow. That was an eye-opener. I also didn't realize that being able to spell and use correct grammar and punctuation automatically places someone in an elite group. One would think those are pretty basic skills, but apparently not... Anyway, I could go on, but I'm sure everyone has had or heard of the same sorts of things these days since online dating is so common. Suffice it to say it's been an interesting learning experience! I did manage to make myself a couple of good guy friends though, so it hasn't been a total waste of time (and it may still yield other fortunate results - who knows - but I'm not exactly holding my breath).

Other than that, the apartment is slowly coming together and getting in order and I have still been fighting to get a foot in the door work-wise. Life's a whole lot more lowkey now that everyone else has gone back to work and the weather is changing and it's sometimes rough to find things to do to keep myself from going insane, still. But I'm ok with living alone. That was a big adjustment and, surprisingly, it did not take long to adapt and embrace it. Having said that, I am very lucky to have a bunch of friends and family within a 15 minute drive for those times when I'm extra lonely and heading towards stir-crazy. I'm also in the midst of trying to find/contact some theatre/choir groups to broaden my circle and fill up my evenings a bit. I really need to diversify again at this point. This life is not enough for me as it is...

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


It's been 5 months and counting since I returned to my home province. I've now resettled in Kilbride and am living solo again. I have mixed feelings about the experience. There are times it is liberating and empowering and I love my own company. There are others when it is so devestatingly lonely and I feel so restless and uncomfortable I could scream or cry...and sometimes do. I have come to realize that I have been stubbornly refusing to go through a lot of the post-breakup process...that I have been practicing extreme avoidance through distracting myself by being constantly on the go with friends (not that there's anything wrong with that) and scouting for potential dates/wasting time on a lot of Mr. Wrongs. In short, I have been guilty of doing what I have always told friends who went through breakups NOT to do: I have not been learning to love myself more and taking care of myself the way I should be, I have not been actively getting in touch with myself and getting to know myself again, I have not been using my time wisely and filling my days with the things I enjoy doing, I have not been working on all the things I was excited about being able to work on again...I have not been actively learning to how to be on my own and I have been depending on other people for entertainment.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I experienced relatively little upheaval from this whole transition in terms of going from being in a relationship to being single. Some, yes, from time to time, but not a lot. Mostly I was ok...just frustrated at what I perceived as having gone backwards in my life plans in a sense, and being stuck living with my parents in the boondocks. I dated an old flame, met a few new guys, and did a lot of going out and celebrating my freedom with my friends. And now reality is setting in. August was a slowing down period and today September stepped up and smacked me in the face. I mean, seriously, I got my hair done today and barely even got any enjoyment out of it for Pete's sake! You know there's something wrong when...! I seriously have not cried as much as I have in the past couple of days in YEARS (well except for last year this time when I realized my relationship was falling apart - and WHY did I stay so long after that again???). I am also in the midst of trying to quit smoking again (my dirty little secret...I picked it up little by little after being around the old flame and the old friends all the time - all of whom smoke - and have been battling getting back to smokefree...and that adds to the emotional turmoil. Last time I quit 5 years ago I was a basketcase for a while with the withdrawal, etc).

In short, I am a mess right now. I am sitting in this discomfort, seemingly unable to pull myself out of it at the moment, and hoping it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship and I don't regret making the choice to leave. I just despise this feeling of weakness and yearning that stems from being an affectionate person and having no one to give that affection to while being unwilling to settle for just anyone to bestow it on...if that makes sense. It's kind of a battle between being pathetic and clinging to my standards. It's hard to be patient and wait for the right man when you don't even know if he exists anymore and all you can do is convince yourself to hang in there and hope he crosses your path sooner rather than later...but realizing that it's probably best if he doesn't show up yet for awhile anyhow because you're not exactly at the top of your game...