The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

KISSing The Weekend Away

This weekend brought more last minute plans for moi. My brother, his girlfriend, and some friends were heading to Grand Falls-Windsor for Salmon Fest, which they had been planning for months. I was set to attend a family gathering. However, at the 11th hour, my baby bro called and issued another invite with the incentive of a reduced price ticket he had discovered online. After some consideration, I decided what the hell...you only live once and how many more opportunities will I ever have to see KISS? 

Needless to say, the trip was filled with many adventures. We spent a sleepless night at Red Cliff (which they were told was a totally different site but which actually only had a new name) followed by an early morning decision to uproot and look elsewhere for better accommodations. We figured the chances of finding somewhere were slim to none, but were determined not to spend another night at the campsite dealing with the behaviour that was going on and were wracking our brains for some solution over breakfast. Don't get me wrong, it started out as a great atmosphere and we were having a grand time, but with the wee hours also came raiding and escalated rowdiness in our area and by 7am we had had enough. When we told a local waitress of our plight, she initially had no suggestions to offer. However, she later came back and gave us her address so that we could relocate to her backyard. We tipped her very generously and headed over to set up camp. 

After a few unsuccessful hours of trying to catch some Zs in the heat, we got showered up, had a barbecue and a few drinks before heading to the concert. Our hosts had very graciously given us a key to their house in case we got back before them and needed to use the washroom or anything, which was, again, much appreciated. 

We made it to Centennial Field partway through Smashmouth's set and got situated in the crowd. We bypassed the beer tent with it's insane line ups in favour of enjoying the tunes we paid to see. The rain started as KISS hit the stage and we were soaked to the skin by the time they finished up, but KISS delivered and every uncomfortable rain drenched second was worth it. In fact, we didn't really notice at all until we walked back to the tents in a veritable river, freezing to death and wringing our clothes as we went, our fingers and toes shrivelled like prunes. We actually took turns changing into dry clothes in our hosts' woodshed with a flashlight and making mad dashes to the tents...which were a little damp but a lot better than anticipated as we trudged there to inspect the damage with high hopes and low expectations. 

Early Sunday morning we balled everything up, threw it into the vehicles and headed back, stopping in Gander for a bite to eat along the way. We left our hosts with an anniversary present and a thank you card and took with us the memories and the gratitude for the unexpected, above and beyond human kindness and hospitality we had been shown. 

Oh, and the guy from the other night? He was there as well. We had a bit of a thing going on Friday night, but he went his own way Saturday night. It's a little odd, as he is friends with my brother and that has made it a little awkward for both of us in the situations we've been in so far. When we said our goodbyes we did it as any other acquaintances would do, as if we hadn't been making out like teenagers every chance we got to be alone together both nights we were in each other's company. I'm not really sure how one goes about navigating these types of situations and so I just kind of acted as if nothing had transpired between us and he did the same...although I'm pretty sure we got busted a few times by our companions. I guess time will tell if anything becomes of it, but I'm not holding my breath. It was fun while it lasted and he seems like a nice guy, but I also think he's very much still in a playing the field frame of mind. And hey, if nothing else, I'm really learning to embrace spontaneity, prepare for things on a moment's notice, and being reminded not to get prematurely wrapped up in men. That's all got to count for something and I'm having a kick ass summer so far!

Late Night Goings On

Note to self: hitting enter on facebook does not offer a break in text...it sends messages. Just like the one I unintentionally sent The Labradorian late last night/early this morning in an indignant fit of frustration. I had intended to compose the message, read it over, make any necessary adjustments, and ensure that I was saying what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. Instead, he got the message "Can I ask you something? Out of curiosity, are you treating me the way you normally treat your friends? Because somehow I don't think so." Sigh. Well I guess at least it's concise and to the point (if perhaps a little more abrupt than I usually am)...and really, if he can't figure out what I meant by that 'it's not much odds.' This is all a result of the fact that he said he wanted me to keep in touch...that he wanted to be friends (which is one of the options I put forth in that ridiculous, embarrassing, gut-wrenching email I sent him)...that he wanted to keep talking and be able to ask me how my day was...yet his responsiveness has been sporadic at best and insulting at worst. It's confusing. How can someone be so sweet and come off as such a great guy then act like a total ass (in the nicest way possible, of course...by being pleasant as punch but not following through on calling when they say they are going to, etc).

I'm looking at my words and I realize how silly they are. It's classic behaviour. I just have to beat it into my head that he's not who I thought he was and no matter what he says, his behaviour shows that he's just not into me on any level anymore and really has no interest in being friends and continuing to get to know each other. He's too wrapped up in the latest interest and the sometime responses to emails and the "I like it when you call"'s are purely designed to keep me on the back burner in case whatever he's involved in now doesn't work out. He seemed so innocent that way and he claimed to have "no game" when we started talking initially and I believed him, gullible fool that I am. Why do I always insist on viewing people in the best possible light until they disrespect me so much that I am forced to shift my perceptions? This is a bit of a recurring theme...I'm a smart girl - you'd think I'd have learned by now.

On another note, I was awake until 4am and then woke up again at 6 after having a horrible nightmare about my brother. I actually woke myself rocking back and forth in the bed in agony after a very convoluted dream that ended with me seeing him involuntarily driven away in our parents (now stolen) car by a couple of sketchy and dangerous characters, calling him after he'd been gone a while and I'd been left stranded somewhere I can't seem to remember and hearing his voicemail message stating that if the caller was hearing this, he or she should be very sad because they'd probably never hear his voice again. And the note in his voice was one I'd never heard before.

Of course, I realize it was just a dream and those aren't necessarily words my brother would ever use, but it was totally realistic and waking up alone after that was very hard. It was one of those nightmares that is so vivid it takes a while to figure out that it was just in your head and I was really scared and upset and needing someone to talk to to get my mind off it so I could attempt sleep again. The first person who came to mind? The Labradorian (partly because I knew he would be awake and partly because I still want to view him as sweet and comforting). Stupid, stupid girl. Thankfully, I squashed that notion by the time I was 3/4 alert and instead signed onto facebook to see if there was anyone on chat that would do. Lo and behold, The Old Flame was online. We hadn't been in contact since that night he got me safely home after being rather uncharacteristically intoxicated, but he was there for me and wanted to make sure I was alright.

During the course of our (relatively brief) conversation, I asked him what my best and worst points are in his opinion. His answer? Best: honesty. Worst: reading too much into things. I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, but said there were a few times when he said something to the point to me and I made it so that it didn't mean what he had meant anymore. I asked if I had asked questions or made assumptions. He said both. I'm not really sure what to make of that. In any case, I thought that was rather ironic since I had been beating myself up earlier for being too trusting and taking people's words at face value too much. I voiced that thought. He replied, "Well you didn't with me." Interesting.

Silly Girl

So...I was on the dating site last night for the first time in ages. I received a message from someone I wasn't interested in and, after I read it, was about to sign out...and that's when I saw him. The Labradorian's picture popped up on my screen and I threw caution to the wind and said hello. We chatted back and forth for about an hour. Just run of the mill chit chat. I carefully avoided any mention of what happened before...and I closed out by telling him if he ever makes it up here he can look me up. He said he'd like that and told me to keep in touch....and that's where I should have left it. Instead, I wrote back and told him the ball was in his court if he wanted to keep in contact, mentioned that I'd still like to read some of his writing (he'd told me previously that he was working on a novel and asked if I'd be interested in having a look), told him I might end up anywhere (including Labrador) come September as I've been applying for jobs all over the province, and wished him a good night. Complete with a smiley face. I could have bitten my fingers off at the knuckle for not leaving well enough alone. But it gets worse. Today, after opening that up fresh, I reread some of our earlier correspondence and wondered anew what had happened and where it had gone wrong...then I sent him a facebook friend request. I told myself at the time that it was harmless and it didn't count as contact, but then I obsessed about this all day. Mostly due to boredom and lack of anything else to occupy my mind, I'm sure (I've been roaming the house like a caged animal for most of the past 24 hours), but nonetheless it made me feel weak and pathetic...and perhaps a tad insane. I mean I'm calm and rational and not really expecting anything in the way of a further response, but I so want to hear from him at the same time. I'm sure I'm not the only female who has ever put herself in this position, and it's not anything serious, by far...just silly. And I thought I had outgrown that. In fact, I'm shaking my head at myself as I write. But I just felt like I had to try...and that's not something I ever do once I cut contact with someone. It's usually finito sans encore. Sigh. Back to playing the waiting game, I suppose...although, surprisingly, as I was writing this, my phone notified me that the friend request has been accepted. One less thing to wonder about. Ugh. Thank goodness I'm working again tomorrow and won't have time to think about anything other than the demands of the classroom!

Conversations at the Counter

The other day I went to the gas station to fill up my car. As soon as I paid, the lady behind the counter (who happens to be an acquaintance of my mother...it's a small town...) said to me with a smile, "So, any plan to have any babies anytime soon? I think your Mom is wanting to be a grandmother now." Needless to say, I was a little taken aback. I replied, "Well I guess I kind of have to find someone first, and there aren't any prospects on the horizon these days!" accompanied with a token laugh. "Oh," she said, "I'm sorry...I didn't know..." "It's OK," I responded, trying to ease her awkwardness, "I left my boyfriend over a year ago. It just didn't work out." She gave me that half-pitying look reserved for the 30 and up crowd who are still un-hitched and I continued on, "Well I'd rather be with the right one and he wasn't it, so..." "Yes," she reluctantly agreed, "I s'pose you got to find the right one first, eh maid..."

Sometimes it's great to know you're single and all your options are still open. Sometimes it also sucks to be caught unawares and reminded of what you don't have and how you don't fit with society's expectations. However, I'd still rather be in this boat than sailing downstream without a paddle chained to a man who isn't right for me and possibly with a few kids in tow...I'd take freedom over that any day, as lonely and boring as it may be sometimes when nothing is certain and nothing seems to be happening.

Dating Drama II

I would like to think that I am nowhere near shallow. I don't have a "type" that I look for physically, and there are no specific criteria for measurements, hair colour, eye colour, or whatever for the most part. While we all have our preferences (I will admit that I tend to be drawn to those who are dark haired and taller than me, for instance), whether or not I will give someone a chance is by and large determined by their personality and not whether they are considered hot and buff to the general population. Although, naturally, there has to be an element of attraction in order to entertain the notion of dating someone, I don't think there is any set combination of features that equals attractiveness. Everyone is unique and what is inside shines through to play a big part in what we perceive on the outside. Have you ever noticed that you can meet someone who is only marginally attractive and when you get to know them they become the most beautiful/handsome/attractive person ever? Or vice versa - you meet someone who makes your knees go to Jell-O and the more you find out about them, the uglier they become?

Keeping that in mind, I have recently experienced every Internet dater's nightmare...meeting someone who looks NOTHING like you thought they would based on their pictures (a word to the wise: be wary of side profile pictures and sunglasses, and always ask how recent pictures are). Admittedly, I was taking a chance with this guy, who was out of my normal comfort zone in regards to age range (older, as in ). I can only imagine the look that must have been on my face when he turned and saw me walking into the coffee shop where we met (deer in the headlights, anyone?), although I tried my utmost to disguise it and muster a genuine smile - hey, it's tough to put yourself out there and I know that! And I did try to look past the superficial elements...but there were a lot of them. I stayed for an hour and a half to chat with him, partially to be polite and give him a fair shot and partially because there was some interesting story swapping going on. I'd like to think that his personality would have counteracted the effects of the physical if he was someone I could really click with, but that didn't happen. He didn't seem to possess the character traits I am looking for in a romantic interest either, and some of his mannerisms were a bit of a turnoff.

So...then there is the escape route. How does one go about getting out of those situations gracefully? Luckily, I apparently looked tired when I showed up (which he commented on - gee, thanks!), so I was able to use that to my advantage. I somehow got myself out the door and to my car without having to encounter the awkward potential hug/kiss goodnight moment that seems to accompany most first dates in my experience (and thankfully does not ALWAYS manifest and is not ALWAYS awkward when it does)...and then came home to a very complimentary message from him, which was sweet and would have thrilled me if it were from someone of whom I reciprocated those impressions, but unfortunately necessitated a speedier extraction from the situation than I had anticipated. Due to the lack of interest on my part and not wanting to give false hope or allow this man to feel like he was making a fool of himself, I had to woman up and reject him upfront. I did this as truthfully, gently, and compassionately as I could muster, but it still wasn't easy. You never know how people are going to take those things. Thankfully, he took it well and we ceased communication amicably. Phew! I hope the guy gets what he's looking for, though, all the same...if what he shared with me was true, it sounds like he's been through a lot with women who have taken advantage of him...