On the Sidelines

So...reality still bites since being smacked in the face with it, and I have been battling the Black Dog. I am fighting to hang in there in the hopes that when work resumes my outlook will improve...although I realized that what I thought upon first glance was amazing news turned out to be only mediocre in terms of prospects for the upcoming year, and I will still have to push to get what I need to make a bigger difference. Rehearsals are the only thing currently keeping me afloat....that and the little pats on the back I am able to give myself each day I get up and make my bed before noon and manage to eat sensibly and get some exercise in. Of course, then there are the days when I hide from my life under the covers and wish with all my heart that when I open my eyes I will have fantasized my world into being how I want it to be. No such luck so far. I do, however, remain mostly cigarette free, minus a couple of socials I've had with smoker friends when I felt about to break.

As expected, nothing has really panned out in terms of the love interests. The French guy is a great conversationalist and was fun to meet but has since flown The Rock to return home, the engineer is a truly amazing guy but I just don't feel it (which makes me sad) and have learned from experience that I cannot create spark where there is none, and the teacher and I are still chit chatting, but more infrequently. The engineering technician now seems all words and no follow through (I think it's now time to write him off), the blond and the British Columbian seem to have disappeared, and the young software guy pops up from time to time but we have still yet to meet. There are others thrown into the mix as well, but I honestly wonder why I continue to bother.

I think part of my problem is the knowledge that summer is coming to an end (which is good and bad). And that I am still in the same situation I've been in, more or less, for the past two years. It's also the fact that social media duly informs me daily that one by one my friends, family, and acquaintances are all falling in love, getting engaged or married, having babies, receiving promotions, buying new houses or vehicles...and, much as this makes me happy for them, it makes me go under in self pity mode as I wonder how much longer I will have to wait and watch until it is my turn. My life feels flat...empty...meaningless. My surroundings currently hold no charm, and my world feels dim. Truly, we really don't get enough sunshine here.

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

The Putting Myself First Plan

Well, here it goes...I figure if I put it out there for the world to see there may be a better chance of me tackling and sticking to it...I just have to create it first...SO what does it mean to put myself first?

In order to get all my ducks in a row, I need to take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally/spiritually, and financially and make sure my own needs are met. So now I'll break it down and see what that looks like/what I have to work on:

1. Physically - get on a regular sleep/wake schedule, exercise followed by stretching in some form at least four times per week, limit junk food intake to weekends, drink between one and two litres of water per day, quit smoking again (which requires a whole plan of it's own and I must be completely ready and committed to it before attempting in order to ensure success).

2. Mentally/emotionally/spiritually - pray, meditate, practice deep breathing, remember gratitude daily, stop wasting thought, time and energy on people and things that don't warrant it, only make time for people who make time for me, write regularly, pursue theatre, prepare to quit smoking, limit exposure to negative influences if and when possible, redefine personal and professional goals and take action.

3. Financially - keep better track of spending, pay off debt, start saving again, increase income (which is the current sticking point, the concept being very much convoluted in my brain and requiring further thought and clarification. In fact, I have been sitting here staring at the screen trying to determine how to even organize the jumble of ideas so that they can be followed and understood).

Short term, I am thinking my options include:

A. Get those resumes out to the schools in St. John's and surrounding area (of course they are closed again today) and volunteer and network like crazy
B. Drum up some more tutoring
C. Move home and try subbing there
D. Perhaps pursue freelance writing
E. Apply for other jobs outside of teaching
F. Pray long and hard to be able to make ends meet
G. Go teach overseas

Long term, I need to consider:

A. Staying put in the teaching field and sticking it out until a full-time position comes my way
B. Going back to school and pursuing further education to use either in the teaching field or some other undetermined area
C. What areas I'd be interested in other than teaching
D. What would be involved in pursuing other areas of interest



...which brings me full circle and I'm still no further ahead with the biggest issue I need to tackle. Finances and career path. Sigh. That really bugs me. The ticking of the clock is like a sonic boom in my ears and I can feel my neck getting tighter with each passing second that I haven't decided on a definite course of action/life plan. SO much pressure...How is it that this totally paralyzes me? Grrrrr....I need to break it down and make it more manageable somehow but I'm really at a loss here with so much to consider and time running out. I feel like I can't tackle all those things at once because it will mean my energies are scattered all over the place...so where do I focus them...? OK...think. Be rational. It's not THAT difficult. Whoa. Spiralling. In the words of my darling stepfather, "The main thing is not to panic." So... I guess now would be a good time to take a breather and realize that organizing it on paper (or the screen in this case) is a step in the right direction. Come back to it later and scrutinize one option at a time. And they are not all mutually exclusive either. Deep breathing, anyone...? :-)


As an afterthought, a few of the happiest acquaintances I know in terms of work life are ones who have also expressed the impossibility of planning these things. They say it just happened...Wouldn't that be nice? I suppose I could add "pray for karma to drop my ideal life in my lap" to my list...