Wednesday, March 30, 2016
I've decided to drop my current distance course and cut my losses. I decided this on the eve of my mid-term exam. I contacted the invigilator and let her know I wasn't prepared to write the exam on the following day and she informed me that I would have up to 10 days to re-register without penalty. I then left town to take a break and have a change of scenery. The thing is, I've already invested a lot of time and money into it and I know that, what with all the time I was busy doing other things during the last year, it would've been down to the wire to finish...and I would've had to pay another $365 minimum in order to do so. Turns out I've gotten to the point in my life where I can (finally) let go of things like that (although I was stressed for a while before actually making the move) instead of continuing to pursue something that has become more of a burden than an accomplishment out of a sense of obligation and a fear of failure and disappointing others. I've come to the conclusion that it isn't failing if I made the decision in the interest of my own well being, and my obligation is to take care of myself. Though a tinge of fear remained, the relief I felt was palpable. Here's to being an adult and taking responsibility for your own life and your own actions. We shall see what happens and where I go from here...
Saturday, March 12, 2016
Recently, I've been feeling the itch to travel again. I'm missing the places I've been and wanting to go exploring new horizons, as well. I'm wondering how people afford to travel these days, especially to get themselves off an island with exorbitant airfare price-tags. For the time being, I'll just look back on photos with nostalgia and reflect on the pieces of my heart I've left in various locales (the above image was taken on a beach in Mexico). The urge is there to (however briefly) reunite with fragments now residing in British Columbia, to meet the rest of my husband's family on the mainland (where some of them and their homes and our memories have already claimed tidbits of said heart) as well as a desire to return to the UK, where remnants of my heart have been residing for these past 15 years. I want to go and dig further into my extended roots and see what I can find...I immediately felt a connection with the place during my first foray, and I'd like for hubby to come with me this time. It was bliss when we visited Quebec together a couple of years ago...pieces of me stay there, too. It's such a rich existence when you can experience different landscapes and cultures, people, friendships, and connections...but your heart is never whole and in one place again.
Saturday, March 5, 2016
Though I've sometimes contemplated it (like probably everybody else has at one time or another), I'd never actually want to go back and change my life because I like where I am today. There are maybe certain parts I'd like to re-do because they were bloody fantastic, and there are parts that were painful as hell that it would be nice to erase...but most likely necessary to my growth and development in one way or another.
What I would like to do is go back and interact with people as the person I have become. I'd like to do a better job of certain things...the way I chose my career and where I placed my priorities within it the first few years; the naïveté that allowed me to get into certain situations or let people take advantage or manipulate me without realizing; the black-and-white mentality, judgment, and moral superiority I exhibited at times when it would have been much better to show compassion and be understanding; the shyness, anxiety, and lack of any kind of belief in myself that prevented me from being who I am and shining; the crippling depression and inability to acknowledge my talents and strengths; the fear that stopped me from following my dreams (and still does, to an extent...will have to work on that one some more).
Yes, it would be awesome to navigate my way through life with the knowledge and confidence I now possess...but it was also through those interactions of the past that I developed those things and forged a new perspective. Catch 22.