Awed

I have to admit I'm still a little in shock each time a day goes by and Unofficial Official Boyfriend (we've kicked it up a notch haha) doesn't do or say anything wrong. It's kind of unheard of in my experience. But it's great. He's great. We're great. Sickening, isn't it? I think he is going to meet the first of my friends this weekend. How exciting! We all know our girlfriends scrutinize the men in our lives and give us the scoop on what they perceive. I can't wait to see what this rather opinionated friend has to say. Mostly because I'm pretty sure there's no way it can be anything bad :) Oh, and I have been booked for work on Monday. Yippee!! :-) And now I must go pull my head out of the clouds and be productive for at least a couple of hours...I've been in LaLa Land all day...

So Far, So Good

Unofficial Boyfriend has yet to do or say anything wrong. I am calm and grounded and happier than I can remember being in a very long time in a romantic sense. Probably the last time I was close to this happy was last summer with the friend of a friend who went back to his girlfriend. But then I felt all crazy and infatuated and this time I just feel...sure. We exchanged I love yous last night...which kind of freaks me out a tiny bit when I think of the time frame involved here, but which felt so natural and so right that I don't even question it.

In regard to the pet situation (which is the only thing that gives each of us pause, really), he has decided to find the cats a new home (his idea, not mine, and not only because of me but also because he feels that they tend to stick to the basement because they dislike Big Black a little and he wants them to have a better quality of life) and I have decided that I am really going to work on befriending the dog.

I cannot wait for him to meet those others near and dear to me. This could definitely be it.

The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

Unofficial Boyfriend (revised)

The conversation went something like this: 

UB: "So...is it official yet?" 

Me: "What?"

UB: "Ummm, nevermind."

Me: "You can't say nevermind after that question"

UB: " There's a better time to ask. I'll ask you later, if it even needs asking."

Later...

Me: "So what was it you wanted to ask me?"

UB: "Oh, I was kinda hoping you would have forgotten that."

Me: "Nope."

UB: "Well...basically what I was trying to get at was...well, I just figured that...if we're going to be seeing each other...and if we're going to be getting romantic...then....well...I just wondered if...."

Me: "Yes....?"

UB: "Well...I was wondering...I mean...what are we?"
Me: "What do you want us to be?"
UB: "Well....you know...I was wondering...if we could maybe be...you know...boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Me: Grin

UB: "It's ok. You don't have to answer or say anything. I know it's really soon and we said we weren't going to rush. I just wondered is all. We can take our time."

Me: "How about we make it UNofficial for now?"

UB: "Well I'd say that's a step in the right direction."

Me: "But we are agreed it's exclusive?"

UB: "Oh yeah - definitely."

Me: Grin. Giggle. 

UB: "What? What's so funny?"

Me: Giggle. "You asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend."

Pause

Me: "Why do you keep looking at me?"

UB: "You're making happy sounds. I guess I just want to be a part of it. But to be honest, I'm pretty happy myself right now." 

Me: Even goofier grin. 

Cross your fingers for me, folks!

On the Sidelines

So...reality still bites since being smacked in the face with it, and I have been battling the Black Dog. I am fighting to hang in there in the hopes that when work resumes my outlook will improve...although I realized that what I thought upon first glance was amazing news turned out to be only mediocre in terms of prospects for the upcoming year, and I will still have to push to get what I need to make a bigger difference. Rehearsals are the only thing currently keeping me afloat....that and the little pats on the back I am able to give myself each day I get up and make my bed before noon and manage to eat sensibly and get some exercise in. Of course, then there are the days when I hide from my life under the covers and wish with all my heart that when I open my eyes I will have fantasized my world into being how I want it to be. No such luck so far. I do, however, remain mostly cigarette free, minus a couple of socials I've had with smoker friends when I felt about to break.

As expected, nothing has really panned out in terms of the love interests. The French guy is a great conversationalist and was fun to meet but has since flown The Rock to return home, the engineer is a truly amazing guy but I just don't feel it (which makes me sad) and have learned from experience that I cannot create spark where there is none, and the teacher and I are still chit chatting, but more infrequently. The engineering technician now seems all words and no follow through (I think it's now time to write him off), the blond and the British Columbian seem to have disappeared, and the young software guy pops up from time to time but we have still yet to meet. There are others thrown into the mix as well, but I honestly wonder why I continue to bother.

I think part of my problem is the knowledge that summer is coming to an end (which is good and bad). And that I am still in the same situation I've been in, more or less, for the past two years. It's also the fact that social media duly informs me daily that one by one my friends, family, and acquaintances are all falling in love, getting engaged or married, having babies, receiving promotions, buying new houses or vehicles...and, much as this makes me happy for them, it makes me go under in self pity mode as I wonder how much longer I will have to wait and watch until it is my turn. My life feels flat...empty...meaningless. My surroundings currently hold no charm, and my world feels dim. Truly, we really don't get enough sunshine here.

I'm Baaaack!!!

It has been a wild and busy couple of months with a lot going on and a tad bit of flying by the seat of my pants.

I guess this all began in May...there was the play, the trip to NYC, the choir performance and work, which had picked up...not too out of the ordinary, but exciting pour moi. At some point I met a chef who wined and dined me for a few days before heading home (out of the province)...he was great but I determined that he wasn't for me, much to his disappointment.

Following that, I landed a small role in a play for this summer - which I subsequently had to relinquish due to a last minute "go" on Quebec, where I spent 5 glorious weeks full of action, adventure, and learning. It was incredible.

I have since returned and am coming to grips with my re-introduction to reality. The first little while was brutal, but it ain't all bad: rehearsals for a new play are in full swing with a second on the horizon (both of which I auditioned for before my sojourn in La Belle Province), I got some good news which should increase the amount of work I get this year, I'm re-starting (for the millionth time) my attempts to get back into shape, I've been mostly cigarette free since July 2nd, and there are no less than 7 newbies on the radar. That's a lot, I know, but I swear I only initiated contact with one. It's all in the beginning "getting to know you" stages anyway, so I'm sure most of them will just fizzle and fade. I'm just trying to relax, go with the flow, and see what leads where.

The radar blips are as follows:

The engineering technician I met before going away (he is now on vacation but we plan to get together when he gets back). I like him so far and I really look forward to seeing him again. He's in my comfort zone age wise and seems like a solid guy.

The teacher from Ontario I met in Quebec - he's a few years younger than me, but very cute, funny, and incredibly sweet...I'm not entirely sure if he likes me that way or not, but we've been in contact since going our separate ways and I am definitely crushing on him.

The engineer I met when I came back, who is also cute, sweet and younger. He seems very spirited and eager to please and he has a killer smile. He's asked me out again and I think I'm gonna take him up on it.

Then there are those I have yet to meet:

The blond who's about my age - he seems pretty normal and kinda fun. He's asked me out but I haven't given a definite response yet.

The software engineer - again, young, cute, and seemingly sensible, and claiming to be very interested in me.

The older French guy who is currently vacationing in NL and wants to get together. My impressions of him are still kind of vague.

The British Columbian living in England...I'm not sure of my take on him yet, either.

So that's it, in a nutshell! I shall try to be better about posting regularly but with my current schedule it may be a little more difficult. Hope all is well in your world! :)

Done with Dates

So...I met a couple of new guys recently. I went for coffee with one and for drinks with the other. The first one seemed rather dull, but he was a gentleman. The latter barely let me get a word in and then tried pushing the boundaries a little at the end of the night. I decided to give the dull one a second chance, since people sometimes are not themselves the first time getting together. The latter, I decided, was not worth my time. So tonight I was supposed to go to supper with the first guy. Long story short, there was one thing after another (all of which sounded legitimate) and I ended up sitting at the restaurant, like an idiot, alone. I ordered an appetizer and a glass of wine to give him some time to deal with his miniature catastrophe, and when I didn't hear back from him I texted to tell him I was leaving...at this point I had been sitting there alone for about an hour. I ordered food to go and came home. He texted and apologized and asked me to get together and do something else tonight. I declined. He asked if rescheduling was an option. I said I'd let him know. Honestly, I am more disappointed that I put time into getting ready and going down there and waiting and spending money on a meal when I could've stayed home than I am about missing the date. And it made me wonder if I should just write off dating altogether. I do still have that theatre crush though...the one I cannot read at all...

Quickie

In a nutshell:

Smoking cessation has become a process more so than a single event. I'm still battling the occasional slip up, but I'm getting there.

Weight loss came to a standstill, but I am seeing positive changes in my body. I am continuing to be active and I am loving it.

Rehearsals are clipping along in theatre and choir and I am a busy, busy bee. I am working with a fantastic set of individuals in both groups and my theatre crush makes things interesting as well. I am loving it! Work has picked up as well and I could not be happier about that. Apparently I have been making good impressions professionally and they are being noticed.

I can't believe it is almost time to go to NYC. I haven't done anything to prepare yet except book my flight. It may be time to start. Exciting!!

One of the former key players in my life has been MIA for a while now. It's an adjustment. I'm not quite sure what to make of it or how I feel about it sometimes. I'm also not sure if the absence is permanent or whether there will just be a change in our roles in future.

I have been getting out more and doing more diverse things socially and meeting new people. It is so refreshing. Again, I am loving it.

I met the first new guy in months tonight. We chatted for a few hours. He seems alright. I don't know if I'll see him again and I don't really care either way at this point. I am supposed to be meeting another new guy tomorrow night. I'm a little more excited about that. We shall see how it goes.

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

The Balance

3 weeks. That is how long it has been since my last post; since I have written anything other than lists, texts, and the odd email. Too long. My world was exploding with activity and it has now come to a momentary standstill. I was calm...happy...invigorated. That is now interspersed with anxiety, confusion, and doubt. Anyway, here's the rundown of updates:

Smoking - it's been over a month with the odd slip here and there...which means a cig or two once a week or two when I am in the company of smokers. I'm not going to beat myself up too much because it is a process and I have made progress from smoking regularly. However, I am still not proud of it and looking forward to being stronger in the near future.

Weight loss - back on the wagon and making an effort to drink more water, make better food choices, and get more exercise. I have been going to various classes (from kick boxing to hot yoga) with a couple of different friends, as well as walking, doing in home workouts and working out with my brother from time to time...whatever I can fit in and whenever I can fit it in with a goal of at least 4 sessions a week. So far, I am down 1.5 lbs. Myfitnesspal has been helping. I downloaded the iPhone app and added a friend who has also been using it. (Side note: I am shocked at how much sugar I actually consume!! :s ).

Work - meh. Up and down. Hard to say. I've gotten calls from 4 different schools so far since the holidays and been to 3 of them. Calls are not regular or consistent and I'm currently in what feels like a slump period. I am hoping it picks back up soon (although I've been pretty sick for the past week or so, so it's probably best I haven't gotten a call in the past few days so that I have a chance to recuperate). I am also in the midst of trying to figure out a path of professional growth to pursue.

Dating - nonexistent. I decided the guy I was dating was not the right one for me and ended it. We still talk and I am glad of that. I still have contact with the guy who wanted back into my life as well, but I haven't been really entertaining the idea of giving him another chance. And the guy who was in NS contacted me to let me know he will be moving back here in the spring. For now, I am content to just be solo and concentrate on me.

Friendships - currently mending fences with the friend I let go last year. We are both in different places now and it seems to be flowing more smoothly so far. However, it's still early in the game. I have also reconnected with a few friends who, sadly, got back burnered due to life in general. And I am having difficulty dealing with the friendship I referred to in this post recently. It is that which is causing me anxiety right now. I had my eyes opened in a big way through a series of events and realized that this was not a healthy relationship for me to be in...and it is a complicated situation. Now I am trying to figure out how to move forward and change the relationship...but it is not easy after over a decade of established habits and routines. Only time will tell what will happen, but I really don't want to go back to the way things were. I can't.

Theatre and choir - the dual loves of my life. I haven't had/been to as many rehearsals in the past couple of weeks and I miss them dearly when they are not there/I am too sick to attend. They keep me busy, they make me happy, they allow me to escape, and they are food to my soul.

Other than that, my family continues to be loving and supportive, and the remainder of my friends continue to be a source of comfort and joy and I treasure each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life. And I am trying to take more control of my finances again and also want to find more time to write and keep on top of taking care of myself and my apartment. Time management was never my strong suit...it seems like something always gets sacrificed and falls behind...

Yes, I have come leaps and bounds in this new year...now...how do I keep it up and make it all balance?

V-Day

I survived it. Barely. I was fine until about 7:30 and then I started to crack. I was almost in tears as I drove across town after going out to supper with my parents, my brother, his girlfriend, and her brother (which I was thankful for as it saved me from eating alone...although my backup plan was to tag along with a girl friend and her co-workers). I kept busy all day (most of which I spent with my parents) and tried to ignore the fact that I am a single girl on one of the most hellish days of the year for single girls. What hit me was that the guy I was seeing last winter who wants to come back into my life (and who I told I am sort of seeing someone but that we can be friends) texted me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day and asked if I had plans. The guy I am sort of seeing....did not. I told myself it didn't matter. This is just another day. It's lost all meaning for me, anyway, just as Christmas and New Year's and practically everything else has. On the way home, my brain waged war on itself. I reflected on how silly it is that we nominate one day a year to celebrate different things and how it's just a societal thing that creates these pressures and expectations. That they make people run around like mindless robots buying things because they are so commercialized (when did I stop being one of those people? When did I stop caring about all these holidays and occasions? I used to relish each and every one of them...).

But it sort of does matter. Because I felt it. And it bothers me. I kept it together, though. I ran errands and worked out and talked to a couple of girl friends. I didn't take the guy who wants into my life up on his request to get together when he was done hanging out with his buddy because I didn't know if that was a good idea or not, feeling vulnerable. Now I am home. Alone. Disappointed. And lonely. I unhid my profile on the dating site tonight on impulse. It's been private for a while now because I was tired of getting messages and not really responding to them...or advising my would-be pursuers that I was not currently up for meeting anyone new. Ironically enough, one of the first profiles I saw I am pretty sure is a new one belonging to the aforementioned Cheating Bastard (he was on the scene last winter/spring). His face is not clearly visible, but the stats and description match him to a T and I am 99% sure that I recognize his physique and what I can see of his face in shadow.

Anyway, it's a good thing I have so many things coming up to keep me busy and occupied. Choir tomorrow night and possible coffee with the guy who asked me to go out tonight afterwards, and theatre Thursday night...which will bring me to the weekend. Sigh. The weekend. Always the hardest in terms of smoking. It's Day 23 right now and only one slip back on Day 5ish. I can tell you one thing though...with all the upheaval of the past week and then today's upset, I have certainly tested my ability to fight caving in. I drowned my sorrows temporarily in a HUGE ice cream cone at Costco tonight (the frozen colada I had with supper had run it's course as a void-filler at that point) to avoid buying a pack and lighting up after watching everyone filing through the checkouts with Valentine's goodies in hand (I am thankful that my mother still gets us a little something for each occasion. It sort of helped today). The reliance on food has to stop too, though, because my clothes are getting more than a tad uncomfortable and my wardrobe is shrinking. Which is why I asked my brother's girlfriend to check into some classes we can try together at the gym. Yep, busy will be my new armour. And it will be good for me, too.

Light Bulb!

Something profound is going on in my brain. Significant mental shifts have been taking place in the past little while and I've been processing and re-evaluating like crazy. The most recent has come as the result of a $6 book I saw at Chapters and bought on a whim. It's funny because I had actually gone there in search of Gail Vaz Oxlade's It's Your Money (I found Debt Free Forever instead) and Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. After seeking out those titles and deliberating for far too long whether or not I could afford to buy them both right now (it's incredible how I let myself become so mired in indecision sometimes), I put them both down and was going to leave empty handed when I spied a bright cover on the shelf with an interesting (although - at first glance - unappealing and maybe even offensive) title that jumped out at me: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It is a hardcover that was regularly priced at $32.50...so I read the back and figured "what the hell?" I could use some new reading material (I subsequently returned to Chapters and bought both of the other titles...which I have yet to read).

Anyway, this bargain buy turned out to be a Godsend. I found myself reaching for it whenever I had free time and was essentially unable to put it down. I'm kind of disappointed to have just finished it. It came at a time when I needed to hear it's contents and suddenly everything made so much more sense to me. Well, OK, not everything...but a whole lot of what I've witnessed and/or experienced in terms of dating, relationships, and marriage was viewed in a new light. It isn't all crystal clear and I do have to sift through some information and concepts, as some of it really conflicts with what I have been conditioned to see and believe, but all of a sudden I am looking at everything with a new perspective and I have this sense of insight and relief. I also have to say...two of the 26 year old guys I have been talking to (one of whom I've sort of been seeing) have really got some things figured out...things that I wish some of my girl friends would be willing to accept and understand, and things that I am still struggling with but coming to realize more fully.

Don't get me wrong, my girl friends and I have already figured out that who/what we are attracted to is not always good for us...we just haven't all found a way to integrate that knowledge into better practice when it comes to potential partners. A lot of that inner conflict stems from what we, as girls (now women), have been taught to use as a relationship gauge: the level of chemistry/fireworks/spark that we feel - often from the beginning in the form of crazy infatuation that drives us to do things we would normally consider to be at the heights of insanity. I am not sure where, exactly, this notion comes from, but it is deeply ingrained into our culture and media and reinforced by our friends. The book, however, is about being practical and realistic and learning to look at more reliable indicators of relationship longevity and happiness. It's about valuing what really matters and learning to let go of what doesn't...things we would all probably claim to do but which, in actuality, most of us don't. I know from personal experience that many women (myself included, at times...despite the fact that I am more likely than any of my friends to be decently open minded and give a wider range of people a chance in theory, in practice I have sometimes found it easier to find reasons/excuses to dismiss men who are not my ideal and forgiven things I should not from men who appeared to meet the ideal - it should be noted that none of them actually did live up to what I am really looking for - and I am determined to change that) are apt to give the guy we find attractive and feel that initial 'wow' factor with much more of a chance than the guy who is more stable and reliable but exudes less 'oomph.' Oddly enough (actually, not oddly at all), this has not been the case in my long term relationships...they started out with guys who I wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning but who won me over in other, more important, ways (admittedly, my choices still weren't good ones and there were big red flags I should have been seeing and heeding, but the point is I have had more stability with guys who I never felt crazy about right away). Interesting, too, is the fact that this book has showed me that although I never thought so, I am prone to pickiness. Who'd've thunk it?

I could go on and on detailing the firing of various synapses in my brain as I read through this book, but suffice it to say that it did give me hope that I am on the right track in some ways and pointed me in a better direction in others. It also replaced the panicky feeling that always accompanied the conundrum of finding Mr. Right with a sense of calm rationality. I actually identify quite a bit with the author's friend 'Erica' (also 31...go figure), who says that she now feels like she "could find the right person because he doesn't have to fit absolutely every one of my criteria" and that she "could be happy and find love if [she] just adjusted [her] attitude, and not if [she] was just supremely lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time...". Yep, I must agree - that does sound a whole lot more empowering! And in case you are wondering, the author does not in any way suggest or imply that anyone should accept deplorable behaviour from a partner, nor even settle for less than would make them happy. Uh huh...while the Bitches books and He's Just Not Into You had their own merit and their own words of wisdom to impart, the advice in Marry Him feels more down to earth, authentic, reasonable, and easier to implement...

Incidentally, this book has caused quite a stir amongst females. I cannot say that I am surprised. The author gets a chance to voice her opinion about those up in arms and defend her work here.


In other news:

I relapsed on the quit for a few days and started over on Sunday night. I will be done Day 3 of this quit in about 3 hours. So far these three days have been easier than the last first three days. I hope it stays that way.

I reconnected with the old friend I had to take a break from a while back. We shall see how that goes.

The weight battle is a bit of a write off at present with the quitting battle taking precedence. However, I am still trying to increase the amount of exercise I've been getting and not give into every food whim in place of a cigarette.

Work has been rather slow. I am currently in central for a few days (I got booked out here for tomorrow and Friday before the holidays) and looking forward to getting back to town already. Next week I plan to go hit some more schools to try and drum up more sub calls.

Monday Afternoon Mashup

On the work front:
I was starting to second guess myself and get really worried about my decision to come back to town last week...especially after talking to my mother and being told I'd missed a couple of calls for work. However, I ended up getting 2 1/2 days in here afterwards. That is a good start, considering. I also have an audition on Thursday. I haven't been to an audition in a while now. Could be interesting...

On the smoking front:
This is Day 8. I had one slip on Day 5 and smoked a cigarette. The whole time, I was analyzing my physical and psychological reaction to it. It was not nearly as enjoyable as I remembered, yet as soon as I was done the urge was there to have another one. I fought it. And now, according to Quitnet, I have NOT smoked 60 cigarettes (minus that one it doesn't know about...shhhh!). That sounds like a helluva lot, but in actuality I was not a heavy smoker. Crazy when you consider what numbers a pack-a-day smoker would be looking at at this point.

On the dating front:
I'm still spending time with the guy who started out as a friend. I had intended to just go with it and see where it led, but I realized that I was actually putting pressure on myself to figure out whether it was going anywhere or not. I'm more than a little gun-shy after all my previous experiences...I'm scared and I don't want to waste any time. And because he does seem like a decent guy, I want to be clear about my own intentions so as not to hurt him or use him to fill a void or lead him on in any way. There are other factors to consider, as well, and I am confused. I have been honest with him about all of that...and he is still here. So, I have decided to stop stressing about this. Really, it hasn't been that long since I started looking at him as more than a friend, and these things do take time. Perhaps it is more than a tad unrealistic to think that I would know right away whether or not I can see any long term potential with someone. After all, I have felt certain that other situations I've been in were going somewhere and I have been dead wrong. And, as I've said time and again, I'm actually not in any rush to jump into anything serious anyway. So why not just enjoy spending time with someone I care about, and who cares about me, and not worry about anything else for the time being?

In other news:
I have been continuing to work on reclaiming my space. I am also making it a priority to increase the amount of exercise I get and reconnect with people I've been neglecting. In theory, all those things should bring more fulfillment. Yay for 2012 and yay for me!

Dear Blog

I am having a very frustrating and stressful day, and I feel completely and utterly alone...

On the work front, I am not doing as well with subbing in central as I had hoped to this time around, and I don't want to be out here anyway...so I decided to go back to town after the holidays and give it a go in there again. However, a position was just posted that I may have a shot at getting...in central. Since I am in a very real bind financially, being owed money from EI, health insurance, and the school board (and being unable to reach anyone to remedy those things) and being penniless and living in my overdraft at present, this creates a real dilemma for me. I have an interview to see if I qualify for the French sublists in the Eastern District, but I'm not sure how long it will take before I find out. Being approved would up my chances of getting decent sub time in there, I think, but it's never guaranteed. I'm seriously nervous and afraid I won't make it, though. I haven't been actively practicing speaking or writing in French in years and this is majorly intimidating for me. I have no idea what to expect, except that it includes some written and some oral. And whether I do make it or not, I still don't know if I will get enough work to pay the bills and keep myself afloat. So...make more sacrifices to my life and happiness for my finances...or not? You can't really live without money, but making money and not living makes no sense either. Being an adult sucks, sometimes.

Which brings me to the holidays. Last year I pretty much had a meltdown there for a bit contemplating my first one solo in quite some time. This year it's worse in the fact that I can't afford to even get presents for my immediate family, let alone any token for my friends or anyone else. I feel pretty crappy about that, even though I know it's not supposed to be all about monetary stuff. It's just another sad reminder of the state I'm in. When is it going to get better? I ask myself that almost daily at this point...sigh...

As far as dating goes, I'm not really sure what's on the go. I've been contacted by a number of men, but I haven't really been bothering to respond much. I'm just so tired of the flavour of the week/month scene. Don't get me wrong, it was a ton of fun there for a while and I wouldn't trade my experiences or the learning that resulted from them. But I've been unsettled in my career and my love life for long enough now. I would just like some stability, please. I don't know if I will be seeing the guy from this summer or not over the holidays...take it as it comes, I suppose. Likewise with the friend with the blurry lines. I think it's safe to say we are no longer solely in friendship territory, and I'm trying not to analyze and just go with it, but it's difficult. I don't want to hurt or be hurt and I don't know if he's who I've been looking for or not, so it's a struggle. I don't want to put time and effort into anything that's not going anywhere, but it takes time to figure that out and I don't want to write him off just yet. The more I get to know him the better he looks to me, in a lot of ways, despite my reservations. I like him and I care about him and I find myself thinking of him and missing him more often. On the other hand, it feels like the same ol' same ol' in that now that I'm catching up in that department, he seems to be backing off somewhat. Oh, and the friend of a friend who disappeared on me back in September, never to be heard from again? He is apparently moving to town, now. For some reason, this bothers me. I didn't care when I heard he was dating again, but knowing we will be in closer proximity to each other and there's a chance I may run into him doesn't sit well with me.

Finally, my weight appears to be on the upswing since the summer ended. Not too happy about that and hoping to change it pronto. Also hoping to change being a smoker again. I'm not happy about that either, and haven't been since I picked it back up. It makes no sense. But it's where I'm at and I'll save you from the whole ranting spiel I could go into there and simply say I hope to find the motivation, determination, and discipline to kick it soon.

Long story short, I am feeling incredibly down and confused and a lot of things are getting to me, although I know things could be a lot worse. I'm home alone and everyone I would normally talk to is unavailable for some reason or other at present. I'm sure I'll be fine, and I know there are a lot worse things I could have to contend with and I'm very lucky I don't have them on my plate...but I really need a hug right now and just to be told that everything is going to be OK.

Month of the Booty Call

It would appear that November is officially find a FWB month. I say this because a number of men from my past have suddenly reappeared looking to re-establish contact, chat and/or hang out with me and I'm pretty sure that's what all of them are looking for. Since late October, I've heard from the guy I was dating when I first moved home, the guy with the girlfriend, the married guy, the 41 year old, one of the 26 year olds from last year (who is now 27), and one of the guys I dated last winter. There are a couple of new ones who are just as transparent. I've made it clear I'm not in the market for that, but it doesn't seem to be sinking in. It's kind of annoying, actually, so I've cut communication with the majority of them. I suppose I could be flattered that I could actually compose a list of potential f*** buddies...but I tend to find it more tiring than anything...and more than a tad insulting, to be honest.

I've also heard from the 28 year old I went on a couple of dates with this summer who went back to Nova Scotia. He actually seemed legit and will be coming home in December for a while...and there's an incredibly sweet guy I have been talking to since September and have hung out with several times. We were treating it as a friendship, but this weekend the lines got a little blurred. I'm not sure how I feel about that and I've been straight with him about my confusion. I dunno...see how it plays out, I suppose.

In other news, I'm in central subbing and going stir crazy. The original plan was to go back to St. John's ASAP when my contract ended...then it became stay out here until the holidays and give it a go in town when school starts up again in January but I honestly don't know if I can take it. It's so hard to know what to be doing in terms of career and finances. It's times like this I wonder if I would've been better off sticking it out in BC solo. But I can't regret being able to see friends and family and all the experiences I've had since coming home. Hopefully time will sort it all out for me. Although it feels like I've been in this boat way too long and not much has changed. Frustration, anyone?

Busy Bee

Work has been consuming me for the most part, and I have not been keeping up with the blog, amongst other things. I thought I would take a moment and do a quick update to remedy that a little...

So, first off, work: as previously stated, it's been quite busy. I am trying my best to stay afloat, but I am sometimes overcome with stress and anxiety and a feeling that no matter how hard I try and how many hours I put in, I can't seem to get ahead. I just hope I'm making some kind of progress and not spinning my wheels to no avail. In any event, it is nice to know where I am going each morning and have some (albeit temporary) stability in my professional life.

I never heard from the friend of a friend first or last after the last post. However, three other men from my past cropped up out of nowhere over the past couple of weeks: one asked me point blank if I wanted to get together and have sex (and if that wasn't bad enough, when I refused his offer, he accused me of being bitter over the way we ended and was a total pig to the point that I asked him not to ever contact me again), one claimed to miss me and want to spend time with me and asked if we can get together next time I'm in town (I was skeptical to begin with, and then I got the vibe that his intention was to try and get laid as well - he wasn't blatant or disrespectful at all, but I'm not into that and so I was rather unresponsive and vague), and the third professed to be head over heels for me (which I don't think is possible since I've never met him in person and he is in a relationship with someone else and that makes him off limits to me as far as I'm concerned...even though he doesn't see it that way). In addition to those three strike-outs, there is a new prospect on the scene. He is younger than me (26), but seems to be mature and sensible and is able to carry a good conversation. We shall see what happens.

My social life is pretty much non-existent, as I'm living with the parents during the week still, recently had bouts of bronchitis and laryngitis (which I still haven't fully recovered from), and have not been to town for a couple of weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen when my contract is up at the end of October...I've been keeping my apartment for now, but am unsure how long I can rationally continue to do that. I am quite looking forward to a time in the (hopefully not so distant) future when I will be somewhat settled and no longer living in limbo.

All in all, things are alright - it's good to be employed and I'm re-embracing singlehood for the time being :)

Crash and Burn

The friend of a friend and I fell into talking every day again. We got together last Monday and had a fabulous time. I drove to see him and spend the night this Friday. But something had changed. He wasn't the same. And it left me feeling empty. So Saturday night I gave him a spiel about how I couldn't handle seeing him when he was mourning someone else and how when he is whole again if he wants me he can come find me and we'll see where I'm at then. However, his response (which was basically to accept it and say he was still messed up but knew when the time is right it could happen with us and that he doesn't expect me to wait for him) was underwhelming and made me re-evaluate everything. I was hurt and I got angry. The anger was still there when I woke up this morning and this afternoon I decided to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation - that if he was in shock over what had happened with her, he was blind because there's no way it should have come as a shock. That if he truly meant what he had said about his feelings for me, I wouldn't have had to seek reassurance and that if he had truly wanted me then or now he would've fought for me. That I had been feeling so empty after going to see him that I debated leaving him a note and taking off in the middle of the night (which is totally out of character for me), that I felt stupid for believing him and allowing myself be vulnerable to him. He didn't say anything. His response was to delete me from his contact list. I cannot believe he would do something so immature. I texted him the rest of what I was going to say...which was basically that he obviously isn't my guy and that I have no one to blame but myself for getting so caught up when I knew the state he was in and I did it anyway. And so now the hurt is intensified and the emptiness is back full force. I don't know how to make this right for myself. And yet throughout the sick feeling I am experiencing, I still want to reach out to him and see if he's OK. I want to apologize for being harsh...even though all I did was speak my mind and he is the one who wasn't an adult about it. But I don't think contacting him again is wise right now. What to do....?

Sunday Morning Update

So...in my world, a lot has happened. In a nutshell, I met a really great guy who became totally smitten with me but who also was only here for a limited time and is now headed back to Nova Scotia until December, most likely.  He made reference a few times to me coming to Nova Scotia before then for a visit and how it would be awesome if we are both single when he gets back and if that's the case he'd love to get together again.

I am back in contact with the friend of a friend again. His ex girlfriend is not coming after all and they are not going to try again. I have mixed feelings about this. I was just starting to feel alive again and move past it when all of this came about. The feelings are still there and I want to take the opportunity and explore the connection the way we couldn't before, but I am also somewhat hesitant and perhaps a little resentful of the way everything unfolded. I'm being cautious and trying to keep a guard on my heart for now. We have to get together and talk about some things and I guess we'll see what happens from there.

AND in other news: I finally have a job!!!!! :D Well...it's only a two month replacement, but it's a start! It's unfamiliar territory, as well, in a lot of ways...so it's scary, stressful and exciting all at once. Fingers crossed I will survive and thrive and it will lead to bigger and better adventures and other employment opportunities...

Back To Life

I am feeling alive today for the first time in over a week. It is the first day since "the end" that I didn't have to force myself every step of the way. I think that is a good sign, yes? I've also decided that some pampering is in order...so right now I'm sitting here with treatment in my hair and an oatmeal, milk and honey masque on my face after a nice, long soak in the tub with some Epsom salts and essential oils. Yep, it may hurt and I may miss him and the situation may totally not make sense to me or anyone else, but I'm tougher than all that and it's going to be OK...

On another note, I have a blind date on Thursday and have been chatting with a couple of other guys who have been helping distract me when things are slow and my mind needs occupying...or redirecting, whatever the case may be...

Coping With The Aftermath

In general, there is an emptiness...as if a piece of me is missing. Although a friend comfortingly pointed out that experiences shape the soul and if he is now a part of my soul he will always be with me in a way. That and a hot Portuguese marine who provided an excellent distraction got me through the past few days. Now it's back to real life and pushing myself to let go, move on, and get through this. I am coping fairly well, but everything feels very lackluster and mundane for the time being...