Monday, November 22, 2010

The Tangled Webs We See

This has been a very weird month for me so far. One man I dated suddenly updated his facebook status to say that he is in a relationship after I had not talked to him in a few days, which left me wondering...hmmm...when did that occur? Does he work really fast or was he seeing her while he was seeing me? Does she know he still checks his online dating account? Or that he even has one?

It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...

What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.

As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.

I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.

I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.

There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Tuesday Night Funny

A friend of mine posted this on facebook and I just had to steal it and repost it here because it made me laugh so much. I hope it does the same for you :)

...for the record, I actually like Sean Paul as well :)

Thought For Today

Friday, November 12, 2010

No In-Between

Just a quick update/rant regarding the online dating scene...I seem to be attracting 20 year olds, 50 year olds, those reeking of desperation or outright looking for booty only and anyone who can't formulate a coherent/correct sentence....sigh. Woe, oh woe, is me. Where are all the intelligent, decent looking men with a sense of humour? They are certainly not knocking on my door in the real world! I mean I'm not looking for Einstein (I'm not sure if that's the best example, but you get the drift), nor am I seeking anyone who is as muscle bound as Arnold was in his prime or as chiseled as an underwear model or as hot as Brad Pitt or Antonio Banderas were in their heyday. All I want is someone who can carry a conversation, communicate with me on my level, finds some of the same things funny and entertaining, and who happens to be attractive in my eyes (well that's the base model that would at least give me something to work with...of course there is some room for fine-tuning in that list). Is that really too much to ask????? I mean, I know I said I was content doing my own thing for now - and I am, for the most part - but some days it gets damned lonely and it would be great to have someone of the opposite sex (as in a non-platonic potential romantic interest) to spend time with once in awhile.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

12 Reasons Living Solo Rocks

In random order:

1. You can prance around naked or in your undies whenever you want and for as long as you want without being questioned.

2. Your mess is your own.

3. When you clean up, it stays that way unless you mess it up.

4. There are no disagreements over bathroom time or storage space.

5. Things stay where you put them instead of magically disappearing and reappearing elsewhere.

6. There is no need to consider anyone else's preferences at meal time - make whatever you like and eat it whenever and wherever you like.

7. There are no clashes in taste or opinion when decorating your space.

8. You can sing as much and as loud as you'd like and dance around like a crazy lady with no one the wiser.

9. You can workout without negotiating for the space.

10. There are no annoying video game noises in the background at any time unless you want them to be.

11. The remote control, phone and computer are under your sole control.

12. You can get up and go to bed whenever you want without worrying about or being bothered by someone else.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Lest We Forget

I always find it hard to wrap my head around Remembrance Day and searching for the right words to say. There is so much that can be said, needs to be said, and should be said...but as a picture is supposedly worth a thousand words, sometimes a song can convey the right feeling, message, and tone with much more poignancy than that same thousand words.

The Trews: Highway Of Heroes

The day I shipped out,
They numbered a dozen.
Upon my return,
Were a hundred or so.
From the coast and the prairies,
I bet they keep coming.
But add one more name from Ontario.

Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.

I served with distinction,
No visions of glory.
I served without question,
Or personal gain.
Seek no justification,
Its not part of my story.
No comfort to the ones who remain.

Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.

I took up my vocation,
I was called by my nation.
Without hesitation,
My answer I gave.
Now I am not wondering,
Bout the things that I might have been.
I'm no consolation,
To the forgotten brave.

Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their flags flying low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more.

Carry me home down The Highway of Heroes.
People above with their heads held low.
Carry me softly, down The Highway of Heroes.
True Patriot Love,
There was never more...

Tending the Soul

So our jaunt to Boxfit was put off from Monday night to last night, but was still good times. My friend and I really enjoyed Boxer-cise and I don't know about her, but I'm certainly feeling it today. We are considering going again, but hoping it will be less crowded next time (it's new right now so the novelty is still there and everyone wants to try it, much like us). We've also been going to Zumba classes along with a third friend on a fairly regular basis and I've been walking and doing yoga whenever the mood strikes as well. Hopefully the results will be noticeable before my dress is ready for choir, let's say? Did I mention how depressing it was to get measured for that? Yikes! I swear I have curves and a figure (albeit not exactly 36-24-36 or whatever those divine measurements are supposed to be), but according to her measuring tape I'm pretty much a tree trunk. Nice.

I have re-started The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron (I have the book), which I initially tried in BC and got halfway through before falling off the bandwagon. So far it seems to be helping me feel better, if nothing else. I have an artist date (rough translation: 2 hour block of uninterrupted alone time doing something fun - preferably something my inner child would like/appreciate) with myself tomorrow night. My "inner artist child" and I are going to a movie. It will be the first time I've gone to a movie solo since I was about 16 and dying of boredom one weekend. Anyway...should be an interesting experience. I'm sure there are people who do it all the time, but for me movie going has always been a social thing to do - well, accompanied by at least one friend or the current boyfriend at the time. Last week myself and I went for a walk in Bowring Park and took lots of pictures of the pretty fall colours and leaves everywhere for our artist date. It was great, on more than one count. I needed a reminder of how enthralled I can become with my surroundings and how getting out in nature, breathing fresh air and appreciating beauty can somehow make everything seem better. The chapter I just read in The Artist's Way actually talks about paying attention to the little details in the here and now and I must say, it is really powerful sometimes to just do that one simple thing.

I've also been finding practicing songs for choir to be quite therapeutic and good for my soul. My emotional and spiritual well being has been positively affected by all of these practices (and of course journalling, which I've been doing for years)and I hope I can remember to keep them up. Now...if I could only figure out the rest of my life. The method behind the madness was that if I could take better care of myself and tend to my spirit perhaps my thinking and emotions would become more clear and I would accomplish more and be more productive in everyday life (thereby quelling the feelings of uselessness and guilt that come with not having a regular job)...that perhaps that neon sign I was praying to drop from the heavens would actually materialize in my brain instead.

While there have been no glowing lights to date, the fact that I AM feeling better is leaving me better able to cope with stress and keep depression a little more at bay, so I guess that is progress, at least...

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Sunday Night Ramblings

So I'm sitting here with a glass of port and I'm thinking I should probably be in bed. One of the things about not having a regular job that I'm finding hard to cope with (aside from the obvious lack of income and resultant stress) is the absence of routine and trying to get in and out of bed at decent hours. Being unemployed most definitely takes a toll on your self-confidence and your self-worth. I keep praying for a neon sign to fall from the sky and hit me in the head, telling me what to do and which way to go to get to where I want to be. So far, no such luck. It just doesn't seem to want to materialize.

In a sense, I have all the time in the world and don't know what to do with it most days. I try to keep busy and be as productive as I can muster (depending on how depressed I am about not having a regular job or not quite knowing what it is that I want to do or how to go about doing it - some days are better than others). I try and stay active and get out of the apartment for some fresh air daily but that doesn't always happen either. I told myself I would use this time to figure everything out and to write in the meantime. It turns out that has been easier said than done. I keep taking baby steps but I feel like I am churning my wheels and getting nowhere (wow that was a mixed metaphor...or was it even a metaphor? In any event, how can you take steps if you are using wheels?). Sigh.

In other news, there is no one who has sparked my interest in the online dating arena of late. I do find it interesting, however, that the one person I am intrigued by these days has recently shown up there. It's tricky though. I don't have a picture posted on the dating site due to working in the public sector (let's face it - teachers have to be uber careful about that sort of thing - although I've noticed some have said screw it and thrown caution to the wind...perhaps it's more relaxed down here than it was in BC?) but he does. So I have the advantage of knowing who he is on there. Offline, I see him weekly in rehearsals but don't really have the opportunity to approach him - or a valid excuse to do so. And in my defense, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to start a conversation with someone you've never before spoken to and happen to be interested in in front of an audience of people who possibly DO know him. (I think the port is starting to take it just me or is my writing sounding rather convoluted right now? I'm seriously a lightweight (and mostly seldom) drinker). A male friend suggested I should send him an online message and get to know him that way without disclosing my identity unless he asked, but that seems creepy/deceitful to me...and potentially very awkward and embarrassing - what if the interest factor wasn't reciprocated and then I had to continue to see him every week?

Anyway...let's backtrack a bit to the potential interest, himself. I say potential because I don't really know anything about him except that he is super talented, seems quite intelligent, has a great smile, and I want to get to know him better. And then there is the part of me that thinks, "Seriously? Why bother? You are just getting to the place where you're totally comfortable being solo. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Don't mess with it. Mr. Right will pop out of the woodwork and find you when the time is right." Yet, I can't help wondering...does he wonder about me too?

I also find it interesting that my inbox has developed an empty echo lately. For awhile there I was having a hard time keeping up with the correspondence. Now it's as if the universe has intervened and decided that I am supposed to just be alone right now and figure everything else out. To just continue focusing on myself and being patient for the romantic aspect to come along whenever it will. It's odd.

In any event, I'm going to try boxing tomorrow with a friend. That should be entertaining and stress-relieving. Perhaps it will help vent some of these muddled thought processes and provide some clarity while releasing endorphins. Toodles for now!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Lessons Learned The Hard Way

Well I was doing great there for a while. I was putting the focus back on me, where it life, my ambitions, my dreams and desires, and feeling quite good about my progress...However, I got sidetracked and new developments have caused some bitterness to seep in tonight. I'm hoping it won't last too long. In the meantime, I'm very tempted to just say the hell with it and stay single forever...or perhaps start batting for the other team...? Nah. Although it would mean I wouldn't have to ever look at the opposite sex as potential mates again. Which could be a good thing since there seem to be very few (if any?) crossing my path who would be worthy of my consideration.

I recently made the mistake of letting my judgment become clouded and being a dumb girl who got blinded by some guy selling her a line. Or was it deluded herself because she wanted to see things that weren't there? Either way...mistake. And so now I'm finding out things that are bothering me about someone who isn't even worth my time and energy. And it stings. So I ask you - why, oh why, do we torture ourselves with thoughts about people and things that shouldn't matter? Why do we let ourselves get sucked into caring about people and things that are simply not worth the effort? How come it's not so easy to just flip a switch, turn it off, and make it go away? I really hope this time I will learn (why do I feel like I'm repeating myself?). My eyes are certainly open right now. Let's hope they stay that way!

...and oddly enough, as I am writing this and stewing in discomfort and negativity, I am receiving support via text from the most unlikely source - an old flame who was once that jerk who misled me but has somehow over the years turned into an odd sort of (platonic!) friend. How's that for irony? (Although I'm pretty sure I still have to be on my guard and careful of ulterior motives where that one is concerned - just in case - it's still nice to have someone cheer you up when you are feeling defeated and need it most).

So anyway, it's back to the drawing board and re-clearing my head to see what I can figure out and get sorted for the betterment of myself and my life - sans non-platonic males for the time being. I did actually go one step further and gave another platonic male friend (and by the way, one of the guys I dated over the past weeks told me I've probably scared off numerous romantic interests simply due to the fact that I have guy friends - what's up with that? Perhaps some further exploration to come on that issue...) permission to kick me in the head if he sees me being stupid over some creep which he responded that he had tried to give me several mental kicks this time but they didn't work. Sigh. I never claimed that I wasn't stubborn sometimes...but I did humbly submit that I am in a different frame of mind now and promised to pay more heed if further kicks were to come.

Some quick updates I'm not sure if I've mentioned: Work - (SIGH) still in the air and undecided as to which path to take. Theatre - so far, harder to break into than I thought down here. Choir - in like Flynn and lovin it :). Living solo - the bomb.

I have been reading a most interesting book lately, too, which I have been meaning to blog about. I think it should be required reading for all women. Yep, definitely gotta write about that soon...