I feel as though I am alive again for the first time in a long time. I have been battling depression, stress, and anxiety since the end of Easter. It has been rough at times. Demons long-buried have resurfaced, wreaking havoc and demanding attention. My inner voice has been drowning in negativity. I have been neglecting myself, my well-being, and my environment. I have been binge-eating unhealthy foods, having a drink more often, not getting enough sleep or exercise. My body is rebelling. I've gained what feels like a lot of weight and lost what feels like a lot of muscle, I've been sick, I've needed more chiropractic adjustments and massages to function, my skin has been irritated, I contracted a virus that made its effects known for a couple of weeks, and I've had frequent headaches. My humble abode is not as clean, neat, and tidy as I would like and it adds to my stress, irritation, and frustration. The work ahead of me feels just as daunting as that I just left behind. Yet I know that I need to be kind to myself again (and not just because my recently acquired counsellor tells me so). I slept a lot yesterday and last night. I slept in this morning. I went for a walk. I was excited just to be out in nature and not having to return to a pile of work afterwards. I still abused myself with food today, but at least I did those things for myself. I smiled and laughed and breathed fresh air. And I rested. Tomorrow I plan on adding more positives to that list. It is time. I need to be able to feel good again and to feel good about myself again. I need to look in the mirror and not cringe, to look around me and feel relaxed and comfortable. Small steps. Don't overwhelm. Change the negative self-talk. Find the distorted thoughts and adjust them. Love above criticism, self-blame, self-doubt. Gain strength. Be decisive. Be active. Create a mantra and stick to it.
Sigh...I am so lucky to have such a great guy by my side to help me through all this. I've seriously been a mess. I think it's the first time in my life that I have let myself be totally open and vulnerable to a man and trusted that he would be there for me and not judge me. He has exceeded all of that and has been more helpful and supportive than I could have imagined. He is truly a fantastic blessing in my life. We had to put ring-hunting on hold due to our overwhelmingly busy schedules, but there is no doubt in my mind that we will find one and get the process started when the time is right. We are also planning a trip this summer so that I can finally meet his out-of-province family. I'm kind of scared, nervous, and excited. I hope it goes well! I haven't met anyone's family like this in over a decade, and only ever the one time. It will be interesting, no doubt!