On the Sidelines

So...reality still bites since being smacked in the face with it, and I have been battling the Black Dog. I am fighting to hang in there in the hopes that when work resumes my outlook will improve...although I realized that what I thought upon first glance was amazing news turned out to be only mediocre in terms of prospects for the upcoming year, and I will still have to push to get what I need to make a bigger difference. Rehearsals are the only thing currently keeping me afloat....that and the little pats on the back I am able to give myself each day I get up and make my bed before noon and manage to eat sensibly and get some exercise in. Of course, then there are the days when I hide from my life under the covers and wish with all my heart that when I open my eyes I will have fantasized my world into being how I want it to be. No such luck so far. I do, however, remain mostly cigarette free, minus a couple of socials I've had with smoker friends when I felt about to break.

As expected, nothing has really panned out in terms of the love interests. The French guy is a great conversationalist and was fun to meet but has since flown The Rock to return home, the engineer is a truly amazing guy but I just don't feel it (which makes me sad) and have learned from experience that I cannot create spark where there is none, and the teacher and I are still chit chatting, but more infrequently. The engineering technician now seems all words and no follow through (I think it's now time to write him off), the blond and the British Columbian seem to have disappeared, and the young software guy pops up from time to time but we have still yet to meet. There are others thrown into the mix as well, but I honestly wonder why I continue to bother.

I think part of my problem is the knowledge that summer is coming to an end (which is good and bad). And that I am still in the same situation I've been in, more or less, for the past two years. It's also the fact that social media duly informs me daily that one by one my friends, family, and acquaintances are all falling in love, getting engaged or married, having babies, receiving promotions, buying new houses or vehicles...and, much as this makes me happy for them, it makes me go under in self pity mode as I wonder how much longer I will have to wait and watch until it is my turn. My life feels flat...empty...meaningless. My surroundings currently hold no charm, and my world feels dim. Truly, we really don't get enough sunshine here.

Something Missing

Try as I might, I can't seem to stay fully in the light. I haven't had a call for work since last Sunday...that's over two weeks. Doubts are creeping in. It's hard to stay positive in the face of no work. Which makes me think it may be time to start thinking and evaluating options again. The scale finally moved. I am down 0.6 today. Ironic, since I binged on Moo Moo's and buttered light rye last night when the rehearsal I'd been looking forward to since last week was cancelled unexpectedly and I was bummed out. I guess we all have ups and downs and this is one of my downs...but maybe it is up to me how far down I allow myself to go. I'm aiming for not far. I much prefer the feeling of being lit up from within. I just need to find it again and hang on for dear life.

In the meantime, is it too much to ask for a visit from the work fairy and the love fairy? That would be ideal! Much as I have been working on myself and my life, I feel like I'm still waiting on both of those to arrive. I try not to focus on it (and for a while I didn't even think about it), but it's still there. What do I need to do to fill those voids completely? Maybe I'm missing my friend or the last guy I was dating (who also started out as a friend and who I sometimes wish had stayed that way)...or maybe I'm just experiencing a lack of Vitamin D. Who the hell knows...Let's just hope it gets better again quickly, shall we?

Heartsick Meanderings

Today has been rough, yet again. I'm coming down with what feels like the flu and that only makes the missing worse. The one comfort I got today was in talking to my cousin, who told me that not even ten minutes after we talked on Sunday he ended up calling to talk to her husband (his brother). He expressed that he was having a tough time with the situation and hated that he had hurt me and asked how I was doing. She assured me that he had cared every bit as much as it had appeared he had...that I had done the right thing in responding the way I had, and that he will no doubt be spending the time until she comes doing some serious thinking. My cousin also commented that she doesn't think she's ever seen me like this over another man...that I usually bounce back fairly quickly and don't suffer this way. It's funny because I was pondering the same thing myself prior to our conversation. Have I ever felt this way? It certainly feels like a different kind of pain and loss than I remember experiencing before. Anyway, the goal for tomorrow is to try and recapture some sort of normalcy and productivity. Keeping busy seems to be as good a plan as any...So does trying to be in bed before 3am for the first time in a week...

Late Night Goings On

Note to self: hitting enter on facebook does not offer a break in text...it sends messages. Just like the one I unintentionally sent The Labradorian late last night/early this morning in an indignant fit of frustration. I had intended to compose the message, read it over, make any necessary adjustments, and ensure that I was saying what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. Instead, he got the message "Can I ask you something? Out of curiosity, are you treating me the way you normally treat your friends? Because somehow I don't think so." Sigh. Well I guess at least it's concise and to the point (if perhaps a little more abrupt than I usually am)...and really, if he can't figure out what I meant by that 'it's not much odds.' This is all a result of the fact that he said he wanted me to keep in touch...that he wanted to be friends (which is one of the options I put forth in that ridiculous, embarrassing, gut-wrenching email I sent him)...that he wanted to keep talking and be able to ask me how my day was...yet his responsiveness has been sporadic at best and insulting at worst. It's confusing. How can someone be so sweet and come off as such a great guy then act like a total ass (in the nicest way possible, of course...by being pleasant as punch but not following through on calling when they say they are going to, etc).

I'm looking at my words and I realize how silly they are. It's classic behaviour. I just have to beat it into my head that he's not who I thought he was and no matter what he says, his behaviour shows that he's just not into me on any level anymore and really has no interest in being friends and continuing to get to know each other. He's too wrapped up in the latest interest and the sometime responses to emails and the "I like it when you call"'s are purely designed to keep me on the back burner in case whatever he's involved in now doesn't work out. He seemed so innocent that way and he claimed to have "no game" when we started talking initially and I believed him, gullible fool that I am. Why do I always insist on viewing people in the best possible light until they disrespect me so much that I am forced to shift my perceptions? This is a bit of a recurring theme...I'm a smart girl - you'd think I'd have learned by now.

On another note, I was awake until 4am and then woke up again at 6 after having a horrible nightmare about my brother. I actually woke myself rocking back and forth in the bed in agony after a very convoluted dream that ended with me seeing him involuntarily driven away in our parents (now stolen) car by a couple of sketchy and dangerous characters, calling him after he'd been gone a while and I'd been left stranded somewhere I can't seem to remember and hearing his voicemail message stating that if the caller was hearing this, he or she should be very sad because they'd probably never hear his voice again. And the note in his voice was one I'd never heard before.

Of course, I realize it was just a dream and those aren't necessarily words my brother would ever use, but it was totally realistic and waking up alone after that was very hard. It was one of those nightmares that is so vivid it takes a while to figure out that it was just in your head and I was really scared and upset and needing someone to talk to to get my mind off it so I could attempt sleep again. The first person who came to mind? The Labradorian (partly because I knew he would be awake and partly because I still want to view him as sweet and comforting). Stupid, stupid girl. Thankfully, I squashed that notion by the time I was 3/4 alert and instead signed onto facebook to see if there was anyone on chat that would do. Lo and behold, The Old Flame was online. We hadn't been in contact since that night he got me safely home after being rather uncharacteristically intoxicated, but he was there for me and wanted to make sure I was alright.

During the course of our (relatively brief) conversation, I asked him what my best and worst points are in his opinion. His answer? Best: honesty. Worst: reading too much into things. I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, but said there were a few times when he said something to the point to me and I made it so that it didn't mean what he had meant anymore. I asked if I had asked questions or made assumptions. He said both. I'm not really sure what to make of that. In any case, I thought that was rather ironic since I had been beating myself up earlier for being too trusting and taking people's words at face value too much. I voiced that thought. He replied, "Well you didn't with me." Interesting.

Shadow of the Dog

I may have spoken too soon...the shadow of The Dog has been creeping around with me all day. When I awoke, it was with thoughts of The Labradorian once again. I reasoned with myself and talked myself into and out of calling him a dozen times. Then I reminded myself that it is not a good idea to make any decisions when I'm not feeling like myself...so that will keep me from acting on any impulses today.

After lunch, feelings of despair, frustration, irritation, and loneliness overtook me and I had a cry. A friend wisely recommended that I stop waiting for my life to begin again and instead go out there, grab it, and suck everything I can from it. Yes, wise words. They filled me with hope, determination, and a renewed sense of possibility. For about a split second. Then The Dog's shadow fell over me once more. It stayed with me throughout the afternoon, while I gave intermittent half-hearted attempts at fighting back and 'acting as if,' as a fellow blogger recently referred to it.

I found myself roaming restlessly and aimlessly through my mother's house, only to wind up back on the couch hugging a pillow and gazing out the window at the leaves dancing in the breeze under a sun I have longed for days to see and could not bring myself to enjoy as tears streamed down my face.

Every ounce of effort was needed to speak in response when spoken to at supper this evening. We went to my aunt's for a barbecue and I, not myself at all, but the empty, lifeless shell that remains when his black shadow overtakes me, did my best to stay out of everyone's way and appear as normal as I could manage. At first opportunity, I escaped back to my mother's empty house to be alone again.

I hope one day soon I figure out exactly how to go out and grab life again. To finally get from it what I want and fill myself to the brim.

Seeking Solace

What do you do when your world has been in shambles around your feet for longer than you anticipated? Where do you turn? How do you fill the void? They say the greatest growth occurs when we are tested...either mine has been stunted or I'm so lost right now that I don't remember how. I feel trapped in this empty place where I am frustrated and unfulfilled. I want to put myself on the right track, but I'll be damned if I know what that is anymore...if I ever did. Nothing brings comfort at this point. I see no point in anything anymore and I ache. I guess the only thing to do is to keep moving and trying to rebuild...but I'm tired. I am so tired of waiting and trying to be patient. I am so tired of feeling unsatisfied. I hope and I wish and I pray, but nothing seems to change. They say you must be the change you want to see in the world...or something like that...where has my motivation gone? What can I try that I haven't already? Who can I talk to? Where can I go? How do I make things the way I want them? Do I even know what that looks like anymore? When is this going to get better.....?

Boredom Reigns

OK, so boredom won out and I finally opened another dating account. What the hell was I thinking? It's pointless, really, but the real world hasn't seen fit to throw anything or anyone interesting or exciting my way in a while. However, my guard is up and my hopes are down in terms of what I will encounter there. I guess sometimes it's just about survival and whatever gets you through. The smoking as been an uphill battle. I am hovering at about 5-7 a day most days. Could be worse, I suppose, but could most definitely also be better. The weight has started to climb again as well, I think. I'm half afraid to check. I would really like it to go down and stay down. I've been sick for the past week and a half as well, so that isn't helping. On the bright side, I've been getting pretty steady work...but it won't be enough to keep me afloat for the summer and I've been seriously stressed contemplating that. However, I also realize there's nothing I can do about it at this point until the school year ends for various reasons. It's disheartening to be applying for positions all over the island and not getting any responses whatsoever. But despite the probable negative tone of this post, I am actually feeling more unaffected than upset by all this at the moment. It would just be nice to have some stability and certainty...and life really does get boring and lonely sometimes. I miss being on the stage. And I miss having someone to love and being loved in return...well I suppose I was loved in return. Who knows anymore with everything that's come out in the wash. Just anyone won't do though. I really don't have it in me to date for the hell of it right now. I want something with substance and potential or nothing at all. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be nothing at all for a long time to come. I hope it gets easier. There are times I feel fine and strong and could care less that I am alone. There are times I thoroughly embrace it. There are also times when I feel a gaping hole in my soul and in my life that I am unable to fill. I want more out of my time on earth than this...

Sad Reminders

I watched snippets of the Royal Wedding today. It made me sad. Well, correction...I was already sad and it made me worse. There's just something about that little girl dream of marrying a prince and watching someone actually do that just made me yearn even more for what I don't have and maybe never will. I'm still thinking about the last guy...the one who made me believe again and then disappeared. That shook my faith in my happily ever after more than any of the jerks and deadbeats ever did. And I feel so alone.

Alone

I am very much aware of my aloneness today. I've been feeling spacey and out of sorts...lonely...and disappointed at the lack of anything remotely exciting this weekend. But that's it I suppose. Not that I was fit to do anything yesterday anyway with how exhausted I was. However, at times like these I feel the need to make more single friends at the very least. It's like there's a hole in my life or something. I feel empty inside, yet not. It's so hard to explain. I guess part of me never stopped fighting acceptance of that aspect of singleness...that there will be times when I will be sitting at home bored and restless and have no one around but me to keep myself from going insane. And in a way I have come to terms with it. I'm comfortable with being home alone...although I'd rather have been out having fun tonight. Ah well, there's always next weekend I guess...Welcome to being an adult, right?

Another Saturday Night

No one said it would be easy starting over and this is certainly not where I thought I'd be at 30. However, it could always be worse...as one friend says to me, "You could be blind, pregnant and homeless. Then you would have real problems." Somehow that is cold comfort on a night like this...

Yes, it has been a long and lonely 24 hours. However, instead of falling into the "woe is me" mode, I thought I would try and keep it somewhat light. In that vein, may I present for your listening/viewing pleasure:



Well, you know...change the lyrics a bit and you get the drift. Tis just as well to laugh as to cry, as my great-grandmother used to say...