The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

On the Sidelines

So...reality still bites since being smacked in the face with it, and I have been battling the Black Dog. I am fighting to hang in there in the hopes that when work resumes my outlook will improve...although I realized that what I thought upon first glance was amazing news turned out to be only mediocre in terms of prospects for the upcoming year, and I will still have to push to get what I need to make a bigger difference. Rehearsals are the only thing currently keeping me afloat....that and the little pats on the back I am able to give myself each day I get up and make my bed before noon and manage to eat sensibly and get some exercise in. Of course, then there are the days when I hide from my life under the covers and wish with all my heart that when I open my eyes I will have fantasized my world into being how I want it to be. No such luck so far. I do, however, remain mostly cigarette free, minus a couple of socials I've had with smoker friends when I felt about to break.

As expected, nothing has really panned out in terms of the love interests. The French guy is a great conversationalist and was fun to meet but has since flown The Rock to return home, the engineer is a truly amazing guy but I just don't feel it (which makes me sad) and have learned from experience that I cannot create spark where there is none, and the teacher and I are still chit chatting, but more infrequently. The engineering technician now seems all words and no follow through (I think it's now time to write him off), the blond and the British Columbian seem to have disappeared, and the young software guy pops up from time to time but we have still yet to meet. There are others thrown into the mix as well, but I honestly wonder why I continue to bother.

I think part of my problem is the knowledge that summer is coming to an end (which is good and bad). And that I am still in the same situation I've been in, more or less, for the past two years. It's also the fact that social media duly informs me daily that one by one my friends, family, and acquaintances are all falling in love, getting engaged or married, having babies, receiving promotions, buying new houses or vehicles...and, much as this makes me happy for them, it makes me go under in self pity mode as I wonder how much longer I will have to wait and watch until it is my turn. My life feels flat...empty...meaningless. My surroundings currently hold no charm, and my world feels dim. Truly, we really don't get enough sunshine here.

Is "Newfie" the Newest 'N' Word?

A few months ago, I read this post by Nadine at Missing The Rock. I left my "two cents worth" afterwards, but it got me thinking that perhaps I should elaborate a little on my own experience and add it to the conglomeration of writings on the subject already. I have hesitated to be a pot-stirrer and post on the subject, but it has recently come up again in my own personal life and so I thought it might be time to get this off my chest.

When I was growing up in Newfoundland, the term 'Newfie' was thrown around quite a bit and I never gave it any thought. I certainly never stopped to consider that it could be considered derogatory - I had never been exposed to anyone who had used it in such a way. It was simply a word we utilized to describe ourselves - a shortened form of 'Newfoundlander,' that contained all the same implicit imagery of home, the roots of our colourful culture, and the pride associated with being from our beautiful island, as found in the long version. It was a label applied to the shared aspects of our identity and that was all. As for 'Newfie' jokes, well, they were just harmless fun that mostly depicted our ingenuity or proved that we had a sense of humour and were simultaneously secure and humble enough to laugh at ourselves.

When I moved away, I bandied the word about with more pride than I had ever felt while living at home; I had never really embraced my Newfoundland roots until I left the island. In fact, being from "the Bay" was almost a source of embarrassment for a time when I was thrown into the mix with all the "Townies" at MUN. There was certainly some friction between our respective student communities at the university at times (then again there was also an issue with people from Mount Pearl as a separate entity as well, but that's a whole other ball game). I suspect this mutual slightly pejorative use of the terms "Bayman" and "Townie" varied largely between individuals and was not really an accurate reflection of the student population as a whole. However, I fast became aware that we "Baymen" were very much looked down upon by a faction of our fellow Islanders and learned to minimalize the more easily identifiable aspects of my accent to blend in and avoid being branded and scoffed at (a topic which I will talk more about at a later date). However, when I was with people from "out around the bay" I could let go of those self-imposed constraints and be free to let it all hang out and be who I was, so to speak. Of course, there were also those times when it was simply curious to find out that some of the words in regular rotation in my vocabulary were not in residence in those of my academic colleagues. I remember well the first time I said something that someone did not understand - it was my rude 18-year-old awakening that parts of my speech (aside from the obvious slang) were, in actuality, not standard English...but I digress...

Then, as I mentioned, came BC. Once I got over the initial culture shock I experienced after being displaced, I embraced my uniqueness and clung to my identity for all it was worth, feeling, at times, isolated and alone amongst a different breed of people altogether. It was then that I actually started to develop a fondness for "Newfie" music - which, ironically, I previously couldn't stand - because it brought me some comfort from home. For the most part, I was trying to learn about the new culture in which I found myself immersed and still didn't stop to think of any other connotations associated with "Newfie," proudly admitting to being one every chance I got. However, I did start to notice the scatter reaction from some when they learned where I was from that seemed a little less than flattering but without being blatantly obvious. Mostly, though, there were just a bunch of the typical humourous incidents when language barriers got in the way (luckily there were a couple of Nova Scotians in our midst who were pretty good at translating when the need arose) and were later laughed at by all parties involved....

...And then came a day when a young teenager quite seriously referred to me as a "goofy Newfie" (incidentally, there is a restaurant called the Goofie Newfie in Fergus, Ontario, which I am sure doesn't help matters for their local population of displaced Newfoundlanders and Labradorians who may take issue with the term). I was shocked. I mean, this kid clearly got that from an adult somewhere along the way, because I am pretty sure he hadn't been exposed to many Newfoundlanders in the area we were in, nor able to come up with that assessment or term on his own. I didn't let it bother me too much, because I knew him to be a very angry youth with deeper problems than I had ever known...but at the same time it made me a little uncomfortable to know that there were obviously those adults in the community who held those beliefs about us. Still, it was the "goofy" and the tone of voice in which it was delivered that made me take offence at all.

Fast forward to the following summer when we were visiting friends of ours in the Toronto area..We were out sightseeing one hot day and happened to stop and get some soft serve ice cream (the 'custard cones' of my youth) at an ice cream truck. The man who served us noticed that my friend was wearing a T-Shirt with a print of the map of the island portion of Newfoundland on it (isn't it funny how that image speaks to us and evokes such strong feelings?) and asked if that was, indeed, from where we hailed. At our satisfied confirmation, he proceeded to make digs and crack jokes about Newfoundlanders, asking how many drinks we had had already that day (it was before noon) as a parting shot as we walked away. I took it all in stride but, a little dumbfounded, turned to my friend and asked, "did he just say what I thought he said?" "Yes," she replied, shaking her head, "You wouldn't believe how much of that crap I have to put up with here."

Now, you may think I am a bit slow - and in retrospect, perhaps I was - but the meaning I associated with "Newfie" was so ingrained in me that it still did not fully occur to me that it was not necessarily a self-explanatory, complimentary thing to be called...that, contrary to being respected as hailing from a unique, colourful, and proud group of people by the world at large when they found out where I was born and raised, "Newfie" might actually be thrown at me as an insult. I mean, I'm not a completely oblivious individual, but I definitely came from a very sheltered upbringing and suffered from acute naivete for a good portion of my life. I just didn't really give credence to the fact that there might be that kind of inter-provincial prejudice in my country (I don't count a sense of competitiveness or light-hearted jabs as evidence of prejudice). I suppose that was utterly dumb of me, thinking back to the views some easterners have of westerners as well, but I didn't really take that seriously, having my own bias as an Atlantic Canadian. Having said that, there is not a widely known term applied to any of the other provinces' citizens to my knowledge (aside from the labels applied to French-speaking Canadians by some ignorants).

Anyway, flash forward again to last winter when I was searching for a place to get some down-home grub on the west coast. I figured I'd look in Vancouver would probably be the most likely spot and, as we were planning a trip there in the near future to see some extended family, it would be ideal to bring them with us. I did happen to find The Newfie Tap and Grill (which is, in fact, now called the Atlantic Trap and Gill and which I wouldn't necessarily recommend, as we were sadly disappointed. Their online menu is outdated and the food we had didn't much resemble east coast fare in presentation, quality or taste) but during my online travels I also stumbled upon a site where some Vancouverites were debating whether or not we like being called "Newfies" because some of us take offense to it. That was the first time I really fully opened my eyes, but, again, I was incredulous and stunned. What? There are Newfoundlanders who don't like being called "Newfies"? When did that happen? Why? Aren't they proud of where they are from? Geez...oversensitive much? That's just being silly!

There was also an article I read online - which I cannot find for the life of me right now - about some incidents in St. John's whereby someone had the nerve to spray paint "Stupid Newfies" in various locations, which I thought was absolutely awful. There is no arguing that something is meant to be pejorative when preceeded by a descriptor such as "stupid." Of course, the article sparked a huge debate and a long list of feedback comments from all over the country, some of which were quite interesting to read to garner the differing perspectives of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians, ex-pats, and the rest of the country.

I have been in my current locale for over 3 years, and I have to say I am very aware of these things now. The prior incidents - few and far between, for the most part - have taken on new meaning for me: My first boss here, who has a great sense of humour and whom I still love dearly, crossed the line one day by making a dig about 'lazy Newfies,' which got my back up...when I was doing my first play here, another actor found it quite amusing to regale me with Newfie jokes galore (which really grated on my nerves)...and more recently, when the cable guy came to hook us up at our new apartment, he immediately went to the topic of Newfie jokes when he spied some tell-tale elements of our decor. I quickly stopped him before he could start by relating a joke I had just picked up a couple of days earlier from Steve at Oh Me Nerves. I think he got the point. We then ended up discussing the various forms of prejudice we had both witnessed over the years towards various segments of the population, and he pointed out that Newfie jokes are no more than your run of the mill fill in the blank jokes that can be used to poke fun at just about any group of people and I shared that there are jokes in circulation in Newfoundland that exchange the roles of Newfoundlanders and mainlanders as well.

Anyway, I have done my homework over the past year and discovered that what I once considered an innocent source of pride has very disturbing connotations for many, and that the debate still rages on, as evidenced here at Todd's blog, here on a facebook group, here at Squidoo, here and here at cbc.ca, as well as any number of other examples posted on the web. In fact, there are even definitions of the word Newfie at Wikipedia and Urban Dictionary.

As for myself, well, I have been increasingly careful about my usage of the term in the last couple of years and I can't un-see or un-hear all of those things since having opened my eyes. Taken from another Newfoundlander I don't have as much of a problem with it (and I guess this is the basis some have used to contend that "Newfie" is similar to the other N word in circulation, whereby it is acceptable from peers who share the same - for lack of a better word at the moment - classification, but not from outsiders). After all, we are all entitled to our own thoughts, feelings and opinions and I was once with them in my beliefs...However, I cringe when I see or hear it used in the presence of non-Newfoundlanders because I am aware of what some of them may read into it now and I do not take kindly to being looked upon as a laughingstock. I am now very attuned to people's reactions to me once they have learned of my home province and I have to say that they have been very mixed, indeed. So, are there those who are prejudiced against Newfoundlanders and Labradorians? Absolutely. Is all of that summed up in the use of the word "Newfie"? Probably not. But I hesitate to apply it anymore, nonetheless.

Humbug!

There, I said it. This has been the loneliest, most UN-Christmas-y holiday I can remember having. I have tried (and failed miserably for the most part) to fake it till I made it for my partner's sake (and my mother's, because I know it bothers her to know I'm unhappy this time of year), but to no avail. I think the stats speak for themselves:

Number of friends/family seen: 0
Number of parties/get togethers attended: 0
Number of Christmas activities participated in: 1 (Candlelight service with my partner on Christmas Eve in the hopes of gaining an infusion of Christmas spirit and good cheer and fighting off the demons of loneliness and depression...which feeling like a total outsider at the church did nothing to alleviate)
Level of Christmas spirit achieved: next to none, and sporadic at best (maybe I spent it all up in October when I was buying and wrapping gifts?)

I am actually at the point where I am totally disillusioned with the whole thing this year. I am ashamed to admit it, but I spent 80% of my time this holiday season sitting around feeling sorry for myself (either alone or with my live-in partner...who is the only other person I've seen this Christmas other than my chiropractor and his secretary) and stuffing my face with junk food (totally counterproductive to becoming more healthy and fit). The other 20% was spent roaming the stores and spending money on things we probably could have mostly done without. I have spent hours on facebook looking at other people's holiday snapshots and feeling glad for them, but lonelier myself and more than a tad jealous I'm sad to say.

Today I was tempted to just pull the covers over my head and stay in bed until tomorrow this time, but I guess there is one last chance to redeem Christmas/New Year's 2009 tonight. We shall see what happens...

I am honestly not sorry to see 2009 go at this point. I guess there must have been some highlights throughout the year worth remembering and mentioning, but I'll be damned if I can conjure them up right now with this storm cloud hanging over my head. The only one that comes to mind at the moment is my musical theatre debut, which was an awesome experience in many ways. Other than that, this year has brought me a lot of anguish and uncertainty and a huge mess to sort out in 2010.

So, in lieu of listing all my Resolutions that may or may not be adhered to in the New Year, I will simply say that it is my wish for it to bring much peace, love, happiness, and success to everyone around me. And for myself...well, a little clarity and forward momentum in all areas would certainly not go astray...

Grey Foggy Days

We are at the midpoint of fall, and it's no trouble to tell. Not because of the changing and falling leaves, the cooler weather or the warmer clothing, but because of the drop off in communication that always occurs at this time of year. Summers are full of fun in the sun with friends - road trips, boat trips, barbecues and general get togethers...then comes fall. People settle back into the work groove instead of rebelling against it, teachers and students head back to school, families work on their nesting skills for the oncoming winter (and try to repair the holes in their bank accounts depending on how good a time was had), and friends generally don't have as much to talk about now that the excitement of the past season has ground to a halt. That is my theory at least. How else can I explain the disappearance of a vibrant social life?

Perhaps it is because I (like many other Newfoundlanders and Labradorians living away) usually head home in the summertime to catch up with all my relations and have a great time. There is a resounding shock to my system that occurs when I come back to the west and what feels like, in comparison, social isolation - and it seems to be amplified in the fall. Maybe it is not the same for those people who actually live and work in familiar surroundings and circulate amongst their social network year round. Perhaps they don't experience the same feeling of withdrawal or disconnection from the outside world at this time of year. However, being an outsider does not make it easy. Sure, I have lots of acquaintances here, and even a few I would venture so far as to call friends...but I never get to see them or spend time with them much. And I do still have my friends and family back on The Rock (as well as those who have dispersed themselves to the four corners of the earth much like myself)...but they are busy getting back into their own routines as well and our topics of conversation have become limited now that we are not residing in the same place and interacting with the same people on a daily basis.

Then again, maybe it is because of the particular spot in which I have landed. After all, I do know of plenty of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians who have made a go of it in their new locations, surrounding themselves with new friends and immersing themselves in the local social scene (of course it also helps that many of them network through other ex-pats in the same locale. I have heard that some exist here, but so far as I can determine those stories are the stuff of urban legends and old wives tales, so it has been a tad difficult, to say the least, for me to accomplish the same feat).

Whether it is that people just don't operate the same way here or that it is very much a place that is reliant upon becoming part of a clique to obtain true social interaction I haven't been able to figure out yet. However, much of a fish out of water as I find myself at times, the uniqueness inherent to being a Newf doesn't seem to be the driving force behind the circumstances in which I find myself, either way...I have talked to others who have moved here and almost all of them have gone through the same thing and come to a point where they simply accepted that that's the way it is. Personally, I find it very strange and more than a little lonely at times to be confined to such an existence.

I don't know, perhaps I am just a victim of Seasonal Affective Disorder or suffering from the boredom that ensues after the bottom drops out of living the life of a social butterfly. Whatever the case may be, I suppose I should just haul myself up by my bootstraps and trudge on through til the holiday season arrives and things pick back up again (which for me will be limited to the single invite out we have gotten for the past 3 years, due to the previously mentioned stunted network, in addition, perhaps, to another trip to see the extended fam 6 hours away for a couple of days)...ah, well...I suppose I can dream and live vicariously anyway...