Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Something Missing

Try as I might, I can't seem to stay fully in the light. I haven't had a call for work since last Sunday...that's over two weeks. Doubts are creeping in. It's hard to stay positive in the face of no work. Which makes me think it may be time to start thinking and evaluating options again. The scale finally moved. I am down 0.6 today. Ironic, since I binged on Moo Moo's and buttered light rye last night when the rehearsal I'd been looking forward to since last week was cancelled unexpectedly and I was bummed out. I guess we all have ups and downs and this is one of my downs...but maybe it is up to me how far down I allow myself to go. I'm aiming for not far. I much prefer the feeling of being lit up from within. I just need to find it again and hang on for dear life.

In the meantime, is it too much to ask for a visit from the work fairy and the love fairy? That would be ideal! Much as I have been working on myself and my life, I feel like I'm still waiting on both of those to arrive. I try not to focus on it (and for a while I didn't even think about it), but it's still there. What do I need to do to fill those voids completely? Maybe I'm missing my friend or the last guy I was dating (who also started out as a friend and who I sometimes wish had stayed that way)...or maybe I'm just experiencing a lack of Vitamin D. Who the hell knows...Let's just hope it gets better again quickly, shall we?

Monday, March 26, 2012


So right on the heels of that last post, I can already feel myself lifting after allowing myself to vent and reading and commenting on this post by a fellow blogger. I don't want to be a cnáimhseálai. And just like that, after a few days of wallowing, I am able to let it go and continue onwards and upwards in a positive, thankful mindset. Everything is going to be OK :)

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Two Things

1. I think I may be finally ready to love again and I kinda miss being in love. I actually found myself feeling envious over pictures of a teenage romance posted on facebook yesterday...she looks stunningly beautiful and blissfully happy and he looks like he adores her more than anyone or anything he has ever encountered. He also made some of the cutest, warmest, most genuine comments ever underneath those pictures. It's so sweet. I hope it works out for them.

2. Probably one of the biggest and best, most freeing lessons I learned over the past year, summed up in a Jason Mraz song:

Wednesday, March 14, 2012


Toxicity does not even begin to describe it. Resentment has settled in. Another perfectly good, wait...a downright wonderful day! A day in which I made an impact on a group of young people, resolved anew to always be myself and be true to myself, received a multitude of compliments, and got to have fun with new connections. Soured. How does one deal with the fallout after continuous cycles of episodes that all start and end the same way...with you. I had hoped not to have to make a black or white kind of decision, but more and more I feel I may be forced in that direction. And this time, I will choose me. In the meantime, I am up much later than I had wanted or intended and struggling to regain the sense of calm, happy contentment; indeed - utter bliss! - that carried me through the day and into the evening before it was worn down and tired out and finally stomped on before it could come to rest and be rejuvenated for the morrow. I am sure I will forgive you quickly, as I most often do. But the damage has also been done.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Ball of Sunshine

Warm fuzzies are radiating from my every pore. I am very thankful and very cognizant of the fact that I am an extremely lucky girl. I have a wonderful family and some pretty amazing friends. Add to that that I got a call for work tomorrow, spent lots of time with some of my favourite people this weekend, journalled for the first time in ages today, and have taken the time to really acknowledge and rediscover my passion for acting and love of singing and you can begin to see why I would be so suffused with calm happiness and contented gratitude tonight. My soul is delighted and I just want to spread the sunshine to every corner I can reach. It may, perhaps, sound nauseatingly sweet and over-the-top optimistic, but I swear it is genuine and it is true. Such a great feeling to be so full of love and light and positivity! I MUST be on the right path!

On a couple of unrelated (hmm or maybe somehow connected?) notes, I am starting to get excited about my upcoming trip to New York, and I think I may be developing a bit of a crush.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

The Balance

3 weeks. That is how long it has been since my last post; since I have written anything other than lists, texts, and the odd email. Too long. My world was exploding with activity and it has now come to a momentary standstill. I was calm...happy...invigorated. That is now interspersed with anxiety, confusion, and doubt. Anyway, here's the rundown of updates:

Smoking - it's been over a month with the odd slip here and there...which means a cig or two once a week or two when I am in the company of smokers. I'm not going to beat myself up too much because it is a process and I have made progress from smoking regularly. However, I am still not proud of it and looking forward to being stronger in the near future.

Weight loss - back on the wagon and making an effort to drink more water, make better food choices, and get more exercise. I have been going to various classes (from kick boxing to hot yoga) with a couple of different friends, as well as walking, doing in home workouts and working out with my brother from time to time...whatever I can fit in and whenever I can fit it in with a goal of at least 4 sessions a week. So far, I am down 1.5 lbs. Myfitnesspal has been helping. I downloaded the iPhone app and added a friend who has also been using it. (Side note: I am shocked at how much sugar I actually consume!! :s ).

Work - meh. Up and down. Hard to say. I've gotten calls from 4 different schools so far since the holidays and been to 3 of them. Calls are not regular or consistent and I'm currently in what feels like a slump period. I am hoping it picks back up soon (although I've been pretty sick for the past week or so, so it's probably best I haven't gotten a call in the past few days so that I have a chance to recuperate). I am also in the midst of trying to figure out a path of professional growth to pursue.

Dating - nonexistent. I decided the guy I was dating was not the right one for me and ended it. We still talk and I am glad of that. I still have contact with the guy who wanted back into my life as well, but I haven't been really entertaining the idea of giving him another chance. And the guy who was in NS contacted me to let me know he will be moving back here in the spring. For now, I am content to just be solo and concentrate on me.

Friendships - currently mending fences with the friend I let go last year. We are both in different places now and it seems to be flowing more smoothly so far. However, it's still early in the game. I have also reconnected with a few friends who, sadly, got back burnered due to life in general. And I am having difficulty dealing with the friendship I referred to in this post recently. It is that which is causing me anxiety right now. I had my eyes opened in a big way through a series of events and realized that this was not a healthy relationship for me to be in...and it is a complicated situation. Now I am trying to figure out how to move forward and change the relationship...but it is not easy after over a decade of established habits and routines. Only time will tell what will happen, but I really don't want to go back to the way things were. I can't.

Theatre and choir - the dual loves of my life. I haven't had/been to as many rehearsals in the past couple of weeks and I miss them dearly when they are not there/I am too sick to attend. They keep me busy, they make me happy, they allow me to escape, and they are food to my soul.

Other than that, my family continues to be loving and supportive, and the remainder of my friends continue to be a source of comfort and joy and I treasure each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life. And I am trying to take more control of my finances again and also want to find more time to write and keep on top of taking care of myself and my apartment. Time management was never my strong seems like something always gets sacrificed and falls behind...

Yes, I have come leaps and bounds in this new do I keep it up and make it all balance?