Friday, April 29, 2011

Sad Reminders

I watched snippets of the Royal Wedding today. It made me sad. Well, correction...I was already sad and it made me worse. There's just something about that little girl dream of marrying a prince and watching someone actually do that just made me yearn even more for what I don't have and maybe never will. I'm still thinking about the last guy...the one who made me believe again and then disappeared. That shook my faith in my happily ever after more than any of the jerks and deadbeats ever did. And I feel so alone.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Wednesday Afternoon Update

On the dating front: Zilch. And I'm OK with that for now. Still soooo done with men for the time being. In fact, when my best friend suggested we peruse Plenty of Fish out of boredom the other night, I had absolutely no interest and told her as such (we watched Frasier and went for a drive instead). Yet my inner cynic is being slowly quieted by my inner romantic, which is starting to insist once again that 'he' is out there my mom put it, "It's just taking him a while to figure out where you are." Of course, the cynic is still doing battle at this point and being equally insistent at times that 'he' does not exist and that needs to be accepted. Time will tell, I suppose...In the meantime, I'm still a little disappointed and confused about the guy in Labrador. But there's been no contact on either side since last Tuesday and much as I am tempted to contact him from time to time, I really don't see the point anymore...for so many reasons...and that makes me so sad. I am working at distancing myself from that mentally and emotionally,'s just hard for me to let go of that feeling of connectedness once I find it with someone. I was pretty well his in my heart and my mind (and I know he was mine) and now I have to get back to being no one's but my own again - which is liberating and positive in a way but also crushing and depressing in another. It makes me feel, in turns, stronger, more determined, excited and independent than ever and more isolated, alone, and empty than ever. But I have zero desire right now to be with any man, much as I sometimes long for it. Something happened inside of me with this last incident and it changed things. Kinda 'turned my stomach,' if you will. I know it sounds insane - and I can't explain it - but I seriously felt more sure about him, without even having met him in person, than the guy I was with for 6 years...and then he was gone almost as quickly as he had planted himself in the fantasies of my future.

On the work front: It looks like I will be finishing out the year in Central during the week. I am hoping and praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I will get enough work to get me through and enough hours for EI in case I need to fall back on it, but the chances are slim at this point. Which means I have to start thinking about what I am going to do to try and keep myself afloat this summer. Seeing as I have never done anything but teach, I have no idea what that is going to be or what I would be suited for and able to cope with. Nor do I have much idea what most jobs entail or what would be best my best options financially. The downfalls of a sheltered life, I suppose - a big lack of common knowledge.

And in other news: My stepfather found out today that he got the job he was hoping for...he told me if he did then his first bonus goes on my student loan since I helped him out with the interview questions. So, yay for him and yay for me :-)

Also, my best friend and I decided Sunday night to go let our hair down. It was epic. We were nineteen again for a few hours and we rocked it. SO needed that. And we have been laughing over the anecdotes that resulted from that night and the day of recovery that followed off and on all week. Priceless. Here's a little something that I'm not really sure what to make of, though - I actually did something out of character and drank more than I normally would have. I usually cut myself off as soon as I start to feel the effects of the alcohol, as I am not a fan of getting too intoxicated or of being sick. However, I let go and got drunk...and ran into the guy I was dating when I first came home, who has been in my life in some capacity or other since our chance meeting 12 years ago. Anyway, he insisted on making sure my friend and I got home alright and actually didn't try to take advantage of my drunken state to get down my pants (which kind of shocked me since he can be a bit of a pig sometimes and is famous for that when it comes to me, whether either of us is sober or under the influence). Anyway, I just found the whole thing interesting upon reflection. Perhaps he actually does still have feelings for me other than the sexual variety...but I think that ship has sailed on my end. He has been relegated to the 'friends only' category in my mind for quite some time now (which I have been upfront with him about)...but we have the oddest relationship I've ever had with a male. Still, it's comforting, somehow.

Thursday, April 21, 2011

Unexpected Information

Something a little bizarre happened to me over the ex's ex (who I do not know) contacted me on facebook. This would be the ex I left in BC and his ex would be the woman I thought he had married (apparently they were never married and it was a bit of a hoax/trial period thing that had been her idea...which I think is a little strange, but whatever).

Anyway, for some reason this woman felt the need to regale me with the details of their relationship and all her complaints about really means nothing to me, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on him nonetheless. What did piss me off a bit, though, was that he has apparently been telling people he is broke because he paid for my university and that he broke up with me because I wanted more commitment and he wouldn't give it. Um...yeah...about BS....x1000. I did feel the need to set her straight there, although she said she was inclined to believe it was all the other way around with the way he had behaved with her and she totally understood why I had moved across the country...

I was also a little shocked about his behaviour - apparently he fought with her in front of her son - which is totally not cool - and took pot shots at her weight and her business when they broke up, among other things. Wow. It all made me even more glad I'm totally distanced from it all and that I handled myself with dignity and class throughout that break up, no matter what he has chosen to do or say. I mean, I'm not a saint by any means, but I think I conducted myself well, considering, and I didn't exactly go blabbing about all the skeletons I found in his closet or anything like that.

I think I should mention here for fairness sake that I don't by any means take this woman's words to be the gospel (after all, I don't know her at all and can't vouch for her character)...I'm sure the truth lies somewhere between her version and his version - which I really don't care to get - and that he does have his good points (obviously, or neither of us would have given him a chance).

I was a little concerned that perhaps our mutual friends had been fed BS as well (I've avoided talking to them about anything concerning him or us), but one of those friends put my mind at ease when I mentioned that I'd heard from his ex and she had told me some untruths he had said about me/our relationship. She (the mutual friend) informed me that my ex has actually separated from all but one of our mutual friends for the most part, and that people are getting fed up with him and his victim mentality.

So I guess my silence didn't really have an effect either just allowed him to show himself for what he was without me saying a word. Much more effective. I just hope the one friend he still has regular contact with isn't being taken advantage of...but that's not my business either. She's a grown woman and if that is the case she needs to figure it out and put a stop to it herself without warnings or interference from me.

And even more strange...I was right when I thought I may have taught this woman's son (the ex's ex). She told me she had met me when I was subbing in his class last year (I'd been in there for a couple of weeks). Strange coincidence to wrap my head around, indeed.

Yep, the universe works in mysterious ways. This woman answered questions for me that I had long since given up on having answered without my even asking...and she further confirmed that I never knew him, despite the close to 6 years we spent together and that I had been even more naive and gullible than I had previously come to realize. Scary thoughts. But, again - here's to learning and growing...and good riddance to bad rubbish! I don't wish the man harm (in fact I hope he smartens up and does alright for himself and finds happiness), but I am so, so, so thankful he is no longer a part of my life. A very big thank you to all the forces that pulled me out of that situation, for sure!

Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Unexpected Insights

Sometimes the universe throws you messages in bottles just when you need them...or, you notice something with no real significance that strikes a chord and so feel the need to attach some meaning to them...whatever works. I have had a few such instances in the past few weeks and thought I'd share a couple of words of wisdom that the universe saw fit to put in my path...

From the tag of a Yogi Tea teabag: "Know your own worth and act with wisdom" - yep, I hear ya Yogi Tea...loud and clear!!! It's been a long journey, but I think I'm getting there. Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.

From an episode of Family Guy (Lois speaking to Meg about her sister Carol): "She has such low self-esteem that every time a man shows her the slightest glimmer of attention she rushes into something serious and gets her heart broken like a teenage girl." - Uh huh, uh huh...I hear ya Lois! That pretty much sums up my first two relationships! Let's hope the confidence and self-esteem stays where it should and I don't suffer from that particular affliction again! Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.

And finally, a little bit of a story for you...

I sat with a gay guy outside of Dusk for a bit over the weekend. As I smoked my cigarette, he was texting and ranting about a guy he was supposed to be meeting who said he was outside of Dusk and who neither of us saw hide nor hair of..."What does he look like?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied. "Have you ever met him before?" I asked. "Uh uh," he replied, "but I hope he shows up soon - I'm freezing my ass off here! I hate when guys stand me up. What a douche!" ...oh yes, Mr. Gay Guy (who's name I never got and wish I had) - I HEAR YOU. LOUD AND CLEAR. So comforting somehow to know that even gay guys have to contend with guys being jerks. Thank you for venting to me and giving me a feeling of solidarity. Much appreciated.

Monday, April 18, 2011

Grudgingly Conceding Defeat

I give up. It's official...Mr. Spectacular doesn't exist. I've been pretty sure that he is out there somewhere and always contradict my friends when they say such cynical things, but I think the sooner I accept that I was wrong and get it through my thick skull the better off I'll be. It looks like it's off to the glue factory for the dark was nice having that warm fuzzy feeling and knowing someone was 100% there for the brief time it much as you can be 100% there long distance without having met (which sounds even more ludicrous without the warm fuzzy feeling to behind it). I sensed him pulling away and called him on it (his reason/excuse was that the reality of the situation had hit him in the face and if he were here we would definitely be giving it a try...who knows if that's the case or not, but I was grounding myself in reality until he convinced me to believe. Disappointing, to say the least, to take a leap of faith and then find your parachute isn't opening). In any case, I then decided to remove myself from the situation. Tough. But probably for the best. He was right, though, when he said it felt like a break up even though we hadn't even met. So weird. I feel like an idiot for putting so much faith in a man, but this one really did seem different and really did appear to be everything I was looking for...and claimed the same about me...guess now we'll never know...So, currently there are no interests on the horizon and no urge to re-open an online dating account. I just feel like I'm done. Ah, life...and the lessons I have stacked up...Memo to self: there is a reason you didn't put any real stock into meeting someone online, another reason you wouldn't previously entertain the notion of meeting and dating someone too far away to meet as soon as the comfort level was there, and yet another reason you have always shied away from long distance stuff in general...please do not ever forget that and get swept away again.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Tuesday Afternoon Funny

Well worth a watch if you're in need of a laugh :-)

Monday, April 11, 2011

Dark Horse

Well, all bets are off with the top 3. A dark horse has emerged and blown the competition into oblivion...

It started when I noticed that someone I had been chatting with a while ago (it didn't really go anywhere) had newly viewed my profile again. On a whim, I sent a hello. From there, the typical dialogue began...all of those standard conversation starters and Q and A stuff...harmless chit chat via email on the dating site that went on for a couple of days. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I intrigued him enough to ask for my number. I am usually loath to give my number to someone so quickly, but something about his words sparked something in me in the point where I thought, "My God, could this be him?" Of course, I dismissed that as a flight of fancy inspired by overtiredness and the apparent contrast to the overabundance of wretched swine I've been subjected to (and subjected myself to in some cases) because you really can't know that quickly...can you?

...I know, I know...I have jumped the gun and let my hopes and dreams carry me ahead of my feet before. And so I am kind of hesitant and trying to keep myself grounded and level headed and not floating somewhere in the clouds... But I can't describe the effect this man has on me. He really appears to be everything I have been wanting and waiting for...and for once I don't think it's just me trying to convince myself that things are there because I want so desperately to see them in someone who interests me. Not only is he attractive, open, smart, funny, talented and sweet, there are no warning bells so far...I am not sure if that has ever happened over the course of my entire track record.

I'm in awe...and scared. Really, really scared. I cannot begin to describe the mixture of emotions I am experiencing, all jumbled together. I want to hope and believe again. I want to trust. I've already started to develop feelings for this guy, and I'm assured it's fact, he 'fessed up before I did. And it feels like truth to me. I won't say I'm in love...but I care...and I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and let myself fall. I'm happy and excited and apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm calm and comforted and secure, yet kind of unbalanced and impatient and hopeless and fearing I'll somehow scare him away. Part of me wants to dive in and part of me is very carefully keeping it's distance. But I have divulged things to him that some of my friends are not even aware of...and I feel comfortable doing so. Considering we have only been getting to know each other for a couple of weeks at most, that's insanity is it not? God, I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass...

In the meantime, a few guys who were showing interest before (or who I was interested in myself in some cases) and had since disappeared, have magically re-appeared looking for my attention. And, with the exception of the 34 year old mentioned in my last post (who had a pretty good excuse for disappearing and all but begged me for a second chance...which I decided to give and which he also blew), I have not given it...nor even been tempted to. I closed my online dating account within days of talking to the new guy (he had closed his prior to that with no pressure for me to do the same...I wanted to. That's not happened since I opened it almost a year ago...I've hidden it from view by the dating community and/or lost interest from time to time and once or twice contemplated it, but never felt certain that I wanted to remove myself from the arena...something was telling me to wait).

There is one fly in the ointment, though (well, the only one I've really discovered so far). He's in Labrador. And we don't know when we will get to meet each other (but are both hoping it will be sooner rather than later) with our current circumstances. Normally, I would not even entertain the idea of talking to a romantic interest who wasn't close enough that I could go meet him and determine where things stood in person as soon as I felt comfortable...but I can't stand the thought of NOT entertaining the idea here. I want to know. We click so well online and on the phone and we've seen each other on cam...and, still, I tell myself, that is not the same as being in someones company. It's crazy, right? Who does this??? Certainly not this girl! In fact, I would send any of my friends who put themselves in this situation and spouted crazy talk like this for a psychiatric evaluation! How can you feel this way about someone you have never met? How can you miss them so much it hurts? We actually ask each other that...neither of us has an answer...but something inside me tells me this may very well be him. How is that possible?

...and so all I can do for now is cross my fingers and wait. And hope that something this wonderful and promising doesn't fizzle out before we get a chance to explore it further...