V-Day

I survived it. Barely. I was fine until about 7:30 and then I started to crack. I was almost in tears as I drove across town after going out to supper with my parents, my brother, his girlfriend, and her brother (which I was thankful for as it saved me from eating alone...although my backup plan was to tag along with a girl friend and her co-workers). I kept busy all day (most of which I spent with my parents) and tried to ignore the fact that I am a single girl on one of the most hellish days of the year for single girls. What hit me was that the guy I was seeing last winter who wants to come back into my life (and who I told I am sort of seeing someone but that we can be friends) texted me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day and asked if I had plans. The guy I am sort of seeing....did not. I told myself it didn't matter. This is just another day. It's lost all meaning for me, anyway, just as Christmas and New Year's and practically everything else has. On the way home, my brain waged war on itself. I reflected on how silly it is that we nominate one day a year to celebrate different things and how it's just a societal thing that creates these pressures and expectations. That they make people run around like mindless robots buying things because they are so commercialized (when did I stop being one of those people? When did I stop caring about all these holidays and occasions? I used to relish each and every one of them...).

But it sort of does matter. Because I felt it. And it bothers me. I kept it together, though. I ran errands and worked out and talked to a couple of girl friends. I didn't take the guy who wants into my life up on his request to get together when he was done hanging out with his buddy because I didn't know if that was a good idea or not, feeling vulnerable. Now I am home. Alone. Disappointed. And lonely. I unhid my profile on the dating site tonight on impulse. It's been private for a while now because I was tired of getting messages and not really responding to them...or advising my would-be pursuers that I was not currently up for meeting anyone new. Ironically enough, one of the first profiles I saw I am pretty sure is a new one belonging to the aforementioned Cheating Bastard (he was on the scene last winter/spring). His face is not clearly visible, but the stats and description match him to a T and I am 99% sure that I recognize his physique and what I can see of his face in shadow.

Anyway, it's a good thing I have so many things coming up to keep me busy and occupied. Choir tomorrow night and possible coffee with the guy who asked me to go out tonight afterwards, and theatre Thursday night...which will bring me to the weekend. Sigh. The weekend. Always the hardest in terms of smoking. It's Day 23 right now and only one slip back on Day 5ish. I can tell you one thing though...with all the upheaval of the past week and then today's upset, I have certainly tested my ability to fight caving in. I drowned my sorrows temporarily in a HUGE ice cream cone at Costco tonight (the frozen colada I had with supper had run it's course as a void-filler at that point) to avoid buying a pack and lighting up after watching everyone filing through the checkouts with Valentine's goodies in hand (I am thankful that my mother still gets us a little something for each occasion. It sort of helped today). The reliance on food has to stop too, though, because my clothes are getting more than a tad uncomfortable and my wardrobe is shrinking. Which is why I asked my brother's girlfriend to check into some classes we can try together at the gym. Yep, busy will be my new armour. And it will be good for me, too.

Sunday Night Meanderings

So here's all the recent news:

My laptop died and I have a new MacBook Pro...which is awesome....and which also engenders mixed emotions in me. On the one hand, I'm so grateful to have wonderful parents who help me out when I'm in a bind. On the other, I'm embarrassed (almost ashamed) and feeling guilty to be 30 and leaning on them. It's so hard to not be self sufficient. It really does a number on your self worth...which I think I've alluded to before.

I've met a few more guys...a couple were duds and a couple seemed decent. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again. Of the two guys I was hanging out with fairly regularly (note: that does not mean sleeping with), I've stopped seeing one and am continuing to see the other...although I see him a little less than I would like. I'm finding it very hard to get an accurate read on him so I'm making it a point to keep my heart well-guarded and my emotions in check. He's fun. And smart. And there is some mad physical attraction and chemistry that goes both ways...it will be interesting to see how this plays out (although I already have two possible scenarios in mind). I have also been conversing regularly with another guy who seems to be very mature and in line with my way of thinking in a lot of ways, but I have yet to meet him. I'm still considering closing my online dating account but have yet to make the move (although I've hidden my profile so I'm not visible to Joe Public anymore which means a significant drop in mail and I'm alright with that right now).

It's getting impossible to make ends meet (not that it has ever been easy since coming home) and so now it's crunch time. I have to seriously consider moving back with my parents during the week in order to afford my apartment in town (which I cannot think of giving up). I have debated getting a part time job (or five) while trying to round up more subbing time or applying for non-teaching jobs that may pay the bills, but right now it doesn't seem like any of that wants to fall in line and so my best bet appears to be buying time by going home and crossing my fingers I'll get more sub time out there. It won't be forever, of course. I am hoping I'll either miraculously come to some enlightening conclusions as to what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life and go after it with conviction (whether that be stay on the teaching track or veer onto another course) or at the very least get back on solid financial ground and be able to give it another go next year getting my foot in the door with the Eastern District. I feel like such a failure to have not made it work this time around, but I guess I need to put it in perspective and look at the fact that I've actually done better with it than a lot of subs with the amount of headway I was able to make...It's sad, really.

I still have not gotten back on the writing wagon or the Artist's Way one either.

My weight loss has been pretty stable at around 23 pounds, give or take. I am hoping to kick start some more pound droppage pretty soon.

I still have not quit smoking again, but I'm determined to kick it soon.

...and finally, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I honestly don't care in the least, which surprises the hell out of me. In fact, were it not for radio announcements and a sighting of men out scurrying around and scouring the shelves for merchandise at WalMart tonight, I would be completely oblivious as to it's arrival. I really thought I'd be distraught over this. Go figure. As I said to my best friend (who I accompanied on said WalMart excursion and who also happens to be single) after directing another misguided soul to the shopping cart containing the remnants of the Lindor chocolates that had been raided from the shelves, "Thank God we are not on the receiving/reciprocating end of all that last minute shopping." That's not to say that all those girlfriends are going to be disappointed...or that I didn't appreciate the tokens of affection I was given over the years...but honestly, I would much rather be the recipient of something that reflected thought from someone deserving of my love from now on than the crumbs I settled for before (I can certainly do without another cheezy stuffed toy sitting around collecting dust...although I suppose commercialization is somewhat to blame for that). Until that amazing person comes along, I'm more than happy to be spending special occasions solo :-) After all, they are only as special as the company you keep, and my girlfriends are the most special people in my life right now. I don't know what I'd do without them...or the incredibly supportive family I have been blessed to be born into. I have to say, though, I was quite impressed with my brother this year. He had the forethought to surprise his girlfriend with a dozen roses and dinner reservations over the weekend. I never thought he had it in him...

Anyway, a very happy Valentine's Day to all you love birds out there. May it be your best one yet (and may you all enjoy genuine displays of love, passion, and affection from your special someones)!