Wednesday, January 26, 2011

It's Been Awhile

...and sadly, not a lot has changed. I've gotten busy, somehow, but I can't really pinpoint why or how that is, exactly.

On the positive side, I have managed to get a couple more sub days, which is a bonus, and I've started tutoring a junior high student. I'm keeping my fingers crossed more of those opportunities will start coming my way. I also got to see myself on the Republic of Doyle season 2 premiere, which was pretty neat (although I have to admit, I was pretty distracted with other things that night and didn't really pay attention to the show other than the shots I knew I'd be in and I missed last week's episode altogether).

On the negative side, I just got some unwanted mail pertaining to my finances and my laptop has been giving me trouble. I'm hoping these things will resolve themselves with minimal headaches.

On the dating front, I am considering shutting down the online account. I've hidden my profile already. It is depressing getting oodles of messages from people I have nothing in common with and am not interested in as compared to the rare contact from men who seem to be what I may be looking for...which at this point pretty much consists of the combination of decent, respectful, intelligent, fun, and willing to hang out and get to know each other with no expectations, no pressure, and no booty calls. I was starting to feel positively about a couple of prospects, but they seem to have all turned to ashes. Likewise, the friendships I had previously cultivated seem to have dissipated as those friends moved on and found themselves girlfriends. Yes. I'm bitter, frustrated, and disappointed in that department...but I'm trying to convince myself it is for the greater good the universe has planned for me, as with everything else.

On the personal front, I know I need to focus on me and my life and get everything in order. I know I need to take better care of myself and use my energy more wisely...I've been saying this for months...I just can't seem to figure out how to get it all together and make it happen. It seems to be that I improve one area to the detriment or neglect of another, somehow. I am not really sure what it is that I need, for starters...I'm just taking it day by day and doing my best as often as I can muster. I have come to a standstill in the weight loss department, but I'm hoping to get back on track with that as well...and The Artist's Way, which has fallen by the wayside, along with my blogging and writing. I am also trying to spend more time with the people who bring me comfort and positivity and limit my exposure to those who have the opposite effect. I feel as if I have been standing at the crossroads surveying traffic for an indeterminate amount of time and unable to move in any given direction...and on nights like tonight, I feel defeated and alone. Although I know I am never alone and have so much and so many to be thankful for.

I guess the only thing to do for now is to take it day by remember to hold gratitude and hope in my heart and take more little steps to get on track bit by bit, as I have been doing. To forgive myself and pick myself back up each time I fall and to praise and congratulate myself with each small victory or success. Eventually, the stars will align and everything will fall into place and make sense. There has to be some reason I have been stuck in this limbo for so long. A lot of healing has taken place, but it isn't done yet. And I'm sure there is more growth that has yet to occur. I'm calmer, on the whole, and I do feel somewhat more grounded in a way, so that has to be a good thing. It's so easy to get caught up in the minutiae sometimes, is all...

It's going to be OK, right? has to be...

No comments:

Post a Comment