Dear Blog

I am having a very frustrating and stressful day, and I feel completely and utterly alone...

On the work front, I am not doing as well with subbing in central as I had hoped to this time around, and I don't want to be out here anyway...so I decided to go back to town after the holidays and give it a go in there again. However, a position was just posted that I may have a shot at getting...in central. Since I am in a very real bind financially, being owed money from EI, health insurance, and the school board (and being unable to reach anyone to remedy those things) and being penniless and living in my overdraft at present, this creates a real dilemma for me. I have an interview to see if I qualify for the French sublists in the Eastern District, but I'm not sure how long it will take before I find out. Being approved would up my chances of getting decent sub time in there, I think, but it's never guaranteed. I'm seriously nervous and afraid I won't make it, though. I haven't been actively practicing speaking or writing in French in years and this is majorly intimidating for me. I have no idea what to expect, except that it includes some written and some oral. And whether I do make it or not, I still don't know if I will get enough work to pay the bills and keep myself afloat. So...make more sacrifices to my life and happiness for my finances...or not? You can't really live without money, but making money and not living makes no sense either. Being an adult sucks, sometimes.

Which brings me to the holidays. Last year I pretty much had a meltdown there for a bit contemplating my first one solo in quite some time. This year it's worse in the fact that I can't afford to even get presents for my immediate family, let alone any token for my friends or anyone else. I feel pretty crappy about that, even though I know it's not supposed to be all about monetary stuff. It's just another sad reminder of the state I'm in. When is it going to get better? I ask myself that almost daily at this point...sigh...

As far as dating goes, I'm not really sure what's on the go. I've been contacted by a number of men, but I haven't really been bothering to respond much. I'm just so tired of the flavour of the week/month scene. Don't get me wrong, it was a ton of fun there for a while and I wouldn't trade my experiences or the learning that resulted from them. But I've been unsettled in my career and my love life for long enough now. I would just like some stability, please. I don't know if I will be seeing the guy from this summer or not over the holidays...take it as it comes, I suppose. Likewise with the friend with the blurry lines. I think it's safe to say we are no longer solely in friendship territory, and I'm trying not to analyze and just go with it, but it's difficult. I don't want to hurt or be hurt and I don't know if he's who I've been looking for or not, so it's a struggle. I don't want to put time and effort into anything that's not going anywhere, but it takes time to figure that out and I don't want to write him off just yet. The more I get to know him the better he looks to me, in a lot of ways, despite my reservations. I like him and I care about him and I find myself thinking of him and missing him more often. On the other hand, it feels like the same ol' same ol' in that now that I'm catching up in that department, he seems to be backing off somewhat. Oh, and the friend of a friend who disappeared on me back in September, never to be heard from again? He is apparently moving to town, now. For some reason, this bothers me. I didn't care when I heard he was dating again, but knowing we will be in closer proximity to each other and there's a chance I may run into him doesn't sit well with me.

Finally, my weight appears to be on the upswing since the summer ended. Not too happy about that and hoping to change it pronto. Also hoping to change being a smoker again. I'm not happy about that either, and haven't been since I picked it back up. It makes no sense. But it's where I'm at and I'll save you from the whole ranting spiel I could go into there and simply say I hope to find the motivation, determination, and discipline to kick it soon.

Long story short, I am feeling incredibly down and confused and a lot of things are getting to me, although I know things could be a lot worse. I'm home alone and everyone I would normally talk to is unavailable for some reason or other at present. I'm sure I'll be fine, and I know there are a lot worse things I could have to contend with and I'm very lucky I don't have them on my plate...but I really need a hug right now and just to be told that everything is going to be OK.