Wednesday, February 12, 2014


Missing in action...kinda how I've been feeling about myself and/or my life as of late. I'm not really sure which would be a better description. I just know that I'm in that place, once again, where there isn't a lot going least on the main stage. I am holding onto hope that there's all sorts of stuff in the works below the surface. I'm playing the wait and see game, I guess; though unintentionally. I'm a mass of content and discontent. Ambiguous, no? 

I went to see Les Misérables Sunday at the ACC. I must say, it was a very powerful performance. And I was dying inside to not be up on the stage. I know how it feels to experience a standing O after putting your heart and soul into a performance and my heart was bursting with pride for all those involved; shrivelling in my chest with the ache of not having known that feeling in so long.

I look at my bank account and try not to panic as I wait for the work to roll in; struggle to be productive day to day and not sink into a deeper depression. I also try not to feel too much guilt for the relax time I have. It's hard to find a balance. 

I see myself in the mirror and try not to shudder at the sight that greets me. Where did all those excess pounds come from? How could I let this happen again? I try to make the best of things...dress my body as it is right now, rid my closet of hopeless items that will be less than helpful if I ever shed the weight again. I accept my reality (though I hate the discomfort and the current hibernation of my sexy self) and do my best to not beat myself up too much. I tell myself I will start treating my body right again and attempt to nourish it and be active. I don't feel like it is enough, but it is something. 

I look at my love and my heart melts; my soul full of gratitude. I have him. He is wonderful. He is a constant. I am very fortunate to be so loved and accepted. I am so very blessed to have found him; so very blessed to have such an amazing family and some awesome friends. I really should try and see them more. 

Things are going to be OK, right? Better than OK. I will eventually find my way to where I'm going. I will find things to help me love the journey again. The excitement will turn up, the destination will arrive, and I will live my life again. My time will come, once again, and the sun will shine. It's just hard in the interim.

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