Tuesday, September 23, 2014

Self-love and the Uphill Battle

- photo of an excerpt from The Loss That is Forever by Maxine Harris (p. 305)

Roller coasters have nothing on this ride I've been on. I feel as though my body has been in a wreck; it has been forced to process so many intense emotions on an almost daily basis, not the least of which are stress, anxiety, and depression. I am searching, reaching, hoping, trying to pull myself through. I am hungrily gobbling up any self-help I can find and praying to discover the root of all of this; to learn how to love myself - really love myself, not just masquerade it when I'm feeling fine - and come out the other side a better, healed, and whole person. I am finally "doing the work" and knowing I cannot undo a lifetime of hurt overnight or find all the answers and fill the void in a day. Patience is hard, but it is time - the universe has pointedly thrust me into all sorts of situations that tell me this is so. These have not been isolate incidents. There is a definite pattern here. I must face my loss. I must make sense of this. Work and career woes and indecisions take a definite backseat to this burden I have been carrying since childhood - the loss of a father I was never allowed to grieve and can no longer convince myself had no lasting impact on me and did not effect every aspect of my being and becoming. Thank God I can finally see that there are others who love me more than I love myself. Thank God they have led me to open my eyes. Thank God I already love me enough to fight for the quality of the rest of my life, one step at a time.

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