Tuesday, April 13, 2010

As the Dust Settles

So, I've been home now for almost a month. It's amazing how quickly time passes by. I am still knees deep in getting myself situated here and it will take awhile to get through the healing process and get back on my feet again (although I am surprised by my own strength and resilience in navigating this situation at the same time). In the meantime, it is really good to have close friends and family around me (although I do still miss those I've left behind in BC) and reconnect with a few people I haven't seen or hung out with in years. Life is starting to regain some of it's former lustre, which is a good thing.

That being said, I'm also more than a little surprised at how unfamiliar everything feels...I thought it would be an easy transition that way - well, not in terms of moving in with my parents again for the time being after 12 years of being on my own (so to speak), but I mean I was born and raised here and have been back to visit practically every year since I left so I was not expecting it to be quite so hard to get readjusted and stop feeling like a sore thumb in so many ways. All in due time, I guess...

I really can't wait for my car to get here though. That will go a long way in regaining my independence, for sure, and make working and getting my own place in "town" (and being self-sufficient) again a little easier. Because, seriously, I don't think I can handle not living in a city of some sort anymore at this point, whether it's small or large. Perhaps in the future it might sound more appealing, but for now I definitely need to have more variety and options open to me than a rural town or outport can supply. Not that there's anything wrong with small towns or outports. I quite enjoy them - but to visit at this point and not to stay.

The bottom line is, I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and I have a lot more work to do to get back on track on multiple levels. I am still in that weird post-breakup headspace some days and others I am amazed at how far I've come already in putting my life back together and finding some sort of normalcy, enjoyment, and excitement for myself. Yes, a door has closed and my life has taken a different path than I had anticipated. There was a lot of grieving for what could have been as I watched that door swing shut. But now that that initial phase has mostly passed, I've gotten through the difficult cutting ties and getting myself home phase, and a calm, rational acceptance has settled in in the aftermath, it is rather refreshing to come to the realization that a whole bunch of other opportunities now stand before me that I would not have had the chance to seriously consider before.

It is also nice to be able to view everything through an amicable lens in terms of the one I left behind. I really hope he is doing well and getting himself back on track, too. I truly wish him nothing but the best. He is a great guy in very many ways and it was a sad and difficult decision to give him up...but it to was the right thing to do.

And that's it, in a nutshell...my body is coping with the physical effects of all the stress I've been through and my brain is doing what it can to finish healing my heart. And life goes on...

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