Note to self: hitting enter on facebook does not offer a break in text...it sends messages. Just like the one I unintentionally sent The Labradorian late last night/early this morning in an indignant fit of frustration. I had intended to compose the message, read it over, make any necessary adjustments, and ensure that I was saying what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. Instead, he got the message "Can I ask you something? Out of curiosity, are you treating me the way you normally treat your friends? Because somehow I don't think so." Sigh. Well I guess at least it's concise and to the point (if perhaps a little more abrupt than I usually am)...and really, if he can't figure out what I meant by that 'it's not much odds.' This is all a result of the fact that he said he wanted me to keep in touch...that he wanted to be friends (which is one of the options I put forth in that ridiculous, embarrassing, gut-wrenching email I sent him)...that he wanted to keep talking and be able to ask me how my day was...yet his responsiveness has been sporadic at best and insulting at worst. It's confusing. How can someone be so sweet and come off as such a great guy then act like a total ass (in the nicest way possible, of course...by being pleasant as punch but not following through on calling when they say they are going to, etc).
I'm looking at my words and I realize how silly they are. It's classic behaviour. I just have to beat it into my head that he's not who I thought he was and no matter what he says, his behaviour shows that he's just not into me on any level anymore and really has no interest in being friends and continuing to get to know each other. He's too wrapped up in the latest interest and the sometime responses to emails and the "I like it when you call"'s are purely designed to keep me on the back burner in case whatever he's involved in now doesn't work out. He seemed so innocent that way and he claimed to have "no game" when we started talking initially and I believed him, gullible fool that I am. Why do I always insist on viewing people in the best possible light until they disrespect me so much that I am forced to shift my perceptions? This is a bit of a recurring theme...I'm a smart girl - you'd think I'd have learned by now.
On another note, I was awake until 4am and then woke up again at 6 after having a horrible nightmare about my brother. I actually woke myself rocking back and forth in the bed in agony after a very convoluted dream that ended with me seeing him involuntarily driven away in our parents (now stolen) car by a couple of sketchy and dangerous characters, calling him after he'd been gone a while and I'd been left stranded somewhere I can't seem to remember and hearing his voicemail message stating that if the caller was hearing this, he or she should be very sad because they'd probably never hear his voice again. And the note in his voice was one I'd never heard before.
Of course, I realize it was just a dream and those aren't necessarily words my brother would ever use, but it was totally realistic and waking up alone after that was very hard. It was one of those nightmares that is so vivid it takes a while to figure out that it was just in your head and I was really scared and upset and needing someone to talk to to get my mind off it so I could attempt sleep again. The first person who came to mind? The Labradorian (partly because I knew he would be awake and partly because I still want to view him as sweet and comforting). Stupid, stupid girl. Thankfully, I squashed that notion by the time I was 3/4 alert and instead signed onto facebook to see if there was anyone on chat that would do. Lo and behold, The Old Flame was online. We hadn't been in contact since that night he got me safely home after being rather uncharacteristically intoxicated, but he was there for me and wanted to make sure I was alright.
During the course of our (relatively brief) conversation, I asked him what my best and worst points are in his opinion. His answer? Best: honesty. Worst: reading too much into things. I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, but said there were a few times when he said something to the point to me and I made it so that it didn't mean what he had meant anymore. I asked if I had asked questions or made assumptions. He said both. I'm not really sure what to make of that. In any case, I thought that was rather ironic since I had been beating myself up earlier for being too trusting and taking people's words at face value too much. I voiced that thought. He replied, "Well you didn't with me." Interesting.