V-Day

I survived it. Barely. I was fine until about 7:30 and then I started to crack. I was almost in tears as I drove across town after going out to supper with my parents, my brother, his girlfriend, and her brother (which I was thankful for as it saved me from eating alone...although my backup plan was to tag along with a girl friend and her co-workers). I kept busy all day (most of which I spent with my parents) and tried to ignore the fact that I am a single girl on one of the most hellish days of the year for single girls. What hit me was that the guy I was seeing last winter who wants to come back into my life (and who I told I am sort of seeing someone but that we can be friends) texted me to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day and asked if I had plans. The guy I am sort of seeing....did not. I told myself it didn't matter. This is just another day. It's lost all meaning for me, anyway, just as Christmas and New Year's and practically everything else has. On the way home, my brain waged war on itself. I reflected on how silly it is that we nominate one day a year to celebrate different things and how it's just a societal thing that creates these pressures and expectations. That they make people run around like mindless robots buying things because they are so commercialized (when did I stop being one of those people? When did I stop caring about all these holidays and occasions? I used to relish each and every one of them...).

But it sort of does matter. Because I felt it. And it bothers me. I kept it together, though. I ran errands and worked out and talked to a couple of girl friends. I didn't take the guy who wants into my life up on his request to get together when he was done hanging out with his buddy because I didn't know if that was a good idea or not, feeling vulnerable. Now I am home. Alone. Disappointed. And lonely. I unhid my profile on the dating site tonight on impulse. It's been private for a while now because I was tired of getting messages and not really responding to them...or advising my would-be pursuers that I was not currently up for meeting anyone new. Ironically enough, one of the first profiles I saw I am pretty sure is a new one belonging to the aforementioned Cheating Bastard (he was on the scene last winter/spring). His face is not clearly visible, but the stats and description match him to a T and I am 99% sure that I recognize his physique and what I can see of his face in shadow.

Anyway, it's a good thing I have so many things coming up to keep me busy and occupied. Choir tomorrow night and possible coffee with the guy who asked me to go out tonight afterwards, and theatre Thursday night...which will bring me to the weekend. Sigh. The weekend. Always the hardest in terms of smoking. It's Day 23 right now and only one slip back on Day 5ish. I can tell you one thing though...with all the upheaval of the past week and then today's upset, I have certainly tested my ability to fight caving in. I drowned my sorrows temporarily in a HUGE ice cream cone at Costco tonight (the frozen colada I had with supper had run it's course as a void-filler at that point) to avoid buying a pack and lighting up after watching everyone filing through the checkouts with Valentine's goodies in hand (I am thankful that my mother still gets us a little something for each occasion. It sort of helped today). The reliance on food has to stop too, though, because my clothes are getting more than a tad uncomfortable and my wardrobe is shrinking. Which is why I asked my brother's girlfriend to check into some classes we can try together at the gym. Yep, busy will be my new armour. And it will be good for me, too.