Why is it that we get an impression in our minds of what someone is like and then it is sooooooo hard to replace it entirely when that turns out not to be the case? I was chatting with a guy who, although sometimes not the most talkative, seemed like the most decent and "together" guy I'd crossed paths with in quite some time. He looked so sweet and sensible in his pictures, too, and I was really looking forward to meeting him.
The first inkling that he was perhaps misrepresenting himself came when we added each other to facebook...where I saw pictures of him looking anything but sweet and innocent. Not that he was doing anything inappropriate, but you know how the look in a person's eyes sometimes acts as an early warning system? Well this boy all of a sudden became edgy and dangerous looking and red flags started flying...but then again...a picture is just a picture and looks can be deceiving, right? So I met him. I enjoyed his company. There was great chemistry...and he began to smash major holes in my image of him. Which is probably a good thing to have happen earlier rather than later in the game. He outright asked for sexual favours when we were kissing on the first date (I was appalled and indignant and verbally smacked him in the head for that one) and texted and called me at 4am the next day (luckily my phone was on quiet) and when I discovered this and made it clear that it was not appreciated and I was not in the market to be someone's booty call, he claimed he'd been locked out of his apartment and had been freezing outside. I didn't buy it, but guessed there was a very slim chance it could have been true...my sense of fairness and not judging too quickly really does make me come across as ridiculously innocent and naive sometimes...
Long story short, for some reason all the things I had wanted and initially believed this person to be persuaded me to go out with him a second time. SIGH. While there was somehow still a sweetness and considerate air about him in a way and I still enjoyed his company, he admitted that he lied on his dating profile about wanting a relationship in order to get more hits, told me about an incident in which he had cheated on a girl for a year because she was the type to cry about everything and he didn't want to break up and hurt her feelings (so you do that to her and hurt her ten times worse???), and contradicted some of the things he had said to me on the first date, making it crystal clear (as if it wasn't already, even though I was bound and determined to put the blinders on) that he is a total player and was just feeding me whatever he thought I wanted to hear in the hopes of getting what he wanted.
Why is it that we refuse to believe what's in front of us sometimes (even when we ourselves identify it!) in favour of what we want to see and believe? How is it that we think we can fill someone with all the things we want them to be? We cannot impart morals and values and all-around goodness into someone else. It just doesn't work that way. Yet I still want to look at the positive aspects of this person in the face of everything that he isn't. It doesn't even make sense! I know I am worth a hell of a lot more than this guy could ever give me at this point. He doesn't deserve a second of my time and is delusional if he thinks he's pulling the wool over my eyes in any way, but I have continued to talk to him when he has contacted me. I must be insane. Is it boredom? Is it some misguided notion that hiding underneath the bad boy hiding underneath the good guy facade is the really good guy I saw in the beginning? The hope that maybe he will wake up and change? The experience of learning more about the player psyche to better equip myself in future? The challenge of demystifying the cat and mouse game? Or have I simply lost all my marbles?