Boredom Reigns

OK, so boredom won out and I finally opened another dating account. What the hell was I thinking? It's pointless, really, but the real world hasn't seen fit to throw anything or anyone interesting or exciting my way in a while. However, my guard is up and my hopes are down in terms of what I will encounter there. I guess sometimes it's just about survival and whatever gets you through. The smoking as been an uphill battle. I am hovering at about 5-7 a day most days. Could be worse, I suppose, but could most definitely also be better. The weight has started to climb again as well, I think. I'm half afraid to check. I would really like it to go down and stay down. I've been sick for the past week and a half as well, so that isn't helping. On the bright side, I've been getting pretty steady work...but it won't be enough to keep me afloat for the summer and I've been seriously stressed contemplating that. However, I also realize there's nothing I can do about it at this point until the school year ends for various reasons. It's disheartening to be applying for positions all over the island and not getting any responses whatsoever. But despite the probable negative tone of this post, I am actually feeling more unaffected than upset by all this at the moment. It would just be nice to have some stability and certainty...and life really does get boring and lonely sometimes. I miss being on the stage. And I miss having someone to love and being loved in return...well I suppose I was loved in return. Who knows anymore with everything that's come out in the wash. Just anyone won't do though. I really don't have it in me to date for the hell of it right now. I want something with substance and potential or nothing at all. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be nothing at all for a long time to come. I hope it gets easier. There are times I feel fine and strong and could care less that I am alone. There are times I thoroughly embrace it. There are also times when I feel a gaping hole in my soul and in my life that I am unable to fill. I want more out of my time on earth than this...

Conversations at the Counter

The other day I went to the gas station to fill up my car. As soon as I paid, the lady behind the counter (who happens to be an acquaintance of my mother...it's a small town...) said to me with a smile, "So, any plan to have any babies anytime soon? I think your Mom is wanting to be a grandmother now." Needless to say, I was a little taken aback. I replied, "Well I guess I kind of have to find someone first, and there aren't any prospects on the horizon these days!" accompanied with a token laugh. "Oh," she said, "I'm sorry...I didn't know..." "It's OK," I responded, trying to ease her awkwardness, "I left my boyfriend over a year ago. It just didn't work out." She gave me that half-pitying look reserved for the 30 and up crowd who are still un-hitched and I continued on, "Well I'd rather be with the right one and he wasn't it, so..." "Yes," she reluctantly agreed, "I s'pose you got to find the right one first, eh maid..."

Sometimes it's great to know you're single and all your options are still open. Sometimes it also sucks to be caught unawares and reminded of what you don't have and how you don't fit with society's expectations. However, I'd still rather be in this boat than sailing downstream without a paddle chained to a man who isn't right for me and possibly with a few kids in tow...I'd take freedom over that any day, as lonely and boring as it may be sometimes when nothing is certain and nothing seems to be happening.

The Doldrums

I haven't written anything in a long time...not even in my journal. I'm not quite sure why that is except that I don't have much to say these days as there is not much going on in my world on the surface. Things are pretty boring and quiet. I'm kind of panicked about the work situation, as the school year is winding down and I am not EI eligible at present, so I have no safety net. I'm still in central crossing my fingers and currently applying for positions for the upcoming year and looking to see what is out there to tide me over in the meantime. It's not a comfortable position to be in.

The man ban is still in effect, and so the dating aspect of my life is dead at present. I have, however, been trying to be more physically active. I went for a 7-8K hike over the weekend and I've started jogging periodically...I was walking and doing yoga fairly regularly anyway, but felt the need to ramp it up a little. I'm hoping it will result in increased health and wellness and getting back on track with weight loss, but if nothing else, it gets the endorphins going for a time. Oh, how laughable that would have been to contemplate in my younger years, but I'm quite proud of myself for the effort these days.

Other than that, there really isn't much to talk about. Everything is up in the air, as it has been for far too long now. The only constants have been the love, support, and company of my family and my closest friends. I guess that is enough to be thankful for in the interim, but I pray to have the means to stand on my own two feet and obtain some stability soon...