Thursday, May 26, 2011

Boredom Reigns

OK, so boredom won out and I finally opened another dating account. What the hell was I thinking? It's pointless, really, but the real world hasn't seen fit to throw anything or anyone interesting or exciting my way in a while. However, my guard is up and my hopes are down in terms of what I will encounter there. I guess sometimes it's just about survival and whatever gets you through. The smoking as been an uphill battle. I am hovering at about 5-7 a day most days. Could be worse, I suppose, but could most definitely also be better. The weight has started to climb again as well, I think. I'm half afraid to check. I would really like it to go down and stay down. I've been sick for the past week and a half as well, so that isn't helping. On the bright side, I've been getting pretty steady work...but it won't be enough to keep me afloat for the summer and I've been seriously stressed contemplating that. However, I also realize there's nothing I can do about it at this point until the school year ends for various reasons. It's disheartening to be applying for positions all over the island and not getting any responses whatsoever. But despite the probable negative tone of this post, I am actually feeling more unaffected than upset by all this at the moment. It would just be nice to have some stability and certainty...and life really does get boring and lonely sometimes. I miss being on the stage. And I miss having someone to love and being loved in return...well I suppose I was loved in return. Who knows anymore with everything that's come out in the wash. Just anyone won't do though. I really don't have it in me to date for the hell of it right now. I want something with substance and potential or nothing at all. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be nothing at all for a long time to come. I hope it gets easier. There are times I feel fine and strong and could care less that I am alone. There are times I thoroughly embrace it. There are also times when I feel a gaping hole in my soul and in my life that I am unable to fill. I want more out of my time on earth than this...

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