The New Guy

Could it be? Have I finally found a decent guy to date? It would appear so, but I'm hesitant to say for sure just yet. Tonight was supposed to be date number three in the past five days, but he had to cancel due to family obligations (with the request that we reschedule if possible...I shall find out tomorrow what's going on there)...still, that's a lot more frequently than I usually see new guys. Of course, it could just be because he is going on vacation for a bit soon and I haven't had many plans this week so it's been easy to fit him in. So far he seems really nice and he's been a perfect gentleman. The initial awkwardness of meeting someone new dissipated rather quickly and by date number two I was totally comfortable. I'm looking forward to seeing him again...he's not what I'm usually attracted to in the looks department, but there's just something about him. He has a warm and brilliant smile, penetrating eyes, and a calm demeanor. I want to learn more about him. He has also totally respected my space. He asked before hugging me and he hasn't tried to kiss me or touch me in any other way. How refreshing is it to not have to create barriers and concoct evasive strategies to head off groping and mauling? Admittedly, not all guys are like that...I guess I've just been extra lucky to have been in the company of many who have necessitated honing my techniques as an escape artist. I must admit, though, I am kind of curious now how kissing him might be...his arm brushed against mine in the movie theatre and, corny as it sounds, it was actually kind of electrifying...I can't help but wonder if he felt that, too...?

Live Each Day Like It's Your Last

I had some sad news today...a close friend of my family died of a heart attack at work. I didn't really know him well...but he was my father's best friend and has been a friend of my mother's for the past 40 years, as well as several of my other family members and they are all shocked and upset by his sudden passing. His daughters used to babysit my brother and me when we were younger. And I had always meant to have a sit down with him and talk about my father (who died when I was really young). I figured who else to get some insight from than his former best friend? A couple of years ago I ran into him during the holidays and the thought crossed my mind that I should do it then - but the timing and the setting were not right. I thought I'd wait for a better time. I waited too long.

Childhood, Revisted

My cousin and her son stayed over at my apartment last night. After putting him to bed, we caught up over a few glasses of wine. It was really nice... once I had filled her in on the goings on in my life, she suggested that I had probably hurt the Cheating Bastard badly...honestly? The thought had never occurred to me before...

This morning, while she was getting ready, her son and I cuddled up on the sofa bed in our jammies under the blankets and watched Saturday morning cartoons with our stuffed animals (one of mine and several of his haha) before breakfast. I dunno if I'm all about the newer ones, but Teletoon Retro was good times :) It is so good to be a kid again sometimes!

Strange Propositions

A couple of days ago I got a message on the dating site...it was an offer to strip for me...or for me and my friends, if I'd prefer - for free, of course...the fulfillment of someone else's fantasy. I started to reflect on other questions and offers I've received over the past - what? - year now. There was the request to be in a threesome with a man and his wife, the query as to whether I'd be down with gagging a man with my bare hands, the countless married or otherwise attached men looking for discreet fun, the man who told me to run in the other direction because he is addicted to porn...and on and on...Which got me thinking: do the people who share these things so quickly with random strangers ever actually intend to act on them? Or is the thrill in the shock value of the message itself and the possibility of some online interaction based around the imagined scenario? Seriously...Newfoundland and St. John's are not exactly big, densely populated places. Chances are, if you acted on those things you wouldn't be able to keep the encounters anonymous or secret for long, if at all. People might want to consider that before sharing too much info on the net...just sayin'...

Unexpected Compliments

Most of my life, I lacked confidence and self-esteem. Thankfully, that has been steadily improving over the past few years...with no thanks to my exes, who were really not big on compliments. I've come to realize that compliments are important. But only if they are sincere. That was always my problem...I never bought the sincerity of the complimenter in question when it came to me. But I make it a habit to always compliment people sincerely whenever I notice something positive. It might be that I like their smile or hair...it could be that the colour they are wearing suits them or the cut of their clothes is flattering...perhaps it's that they have a comforting presence or a nice voice...but whatever positive it is that I notice, I try to share it. What better way to create some feel good vibes for yourself than by making someone else feel good? 

I'm getting better at distinguishing between BS and heartfelt compliments that I am given and accepting them gracefully instead of immediately dismissing them the way I was always wont to do. I guess it was the inability to think highly of myself or believe that anyone else could either. 

I digress...

Last night I went to a wedding. I bought a new red dress and borrowed some jewelry from my cousin. I wore my black strappy sandals. I left my hair au natural and spent a little extra time on my makeup. I felt good. And after a few drinks I loosened up on the dance floor and started enjoying myself. A beautiful blonde woman made a point of dancing over to me to tell me I was stunning. I was blown away - I had been thinking the same thing about her. It felt so good to have a total stranger with no agenda say that to me. I thanked her with heartfelt sincerity and returned the compliment. It's nice to be secure enough to compliment others but it's also nice to be secure enough to accept them. 

Conversations in the Dark

Me: hi

Cheating Bastard: [blank stare]

Me: no hard feelings, OK?

CB: [pause] since when?

Me: since whenever, man

CB: [with questioning look] why?

Me: because you lied to me and I don't appreciate being lied to.

CB [confused shrug and headshake]

Me: you @$%&ed up. All you had to do was tell the truth.

CB: Man, honestly, I don't have anything to say to you

Me: That's fine. I just saw you and I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to interfere with your night and I expect the same. OK?

CB: [uncertain nod]

Me: K. Have fun

CB: [another uncertain nod]

Me: [smile, turn, walk away]

...and now I wonder why I didn't ask why...but his expression told me that he did get what he deserved...
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: in every break up there is a winner and a loser. Usually the winner wins by a tiny margin. You won by a landslide. He will never forget you and he will never get over this...well...he might get 90% over it, but someday 30 years down the road he's gonna be married and he's gonna be sitting on the couch and his wife's gonna be out somewhere and he's gonna be thinking of you. Guys don't show vulnerability like that either. For him to come out and ask you why...it's been eating at him.

Me: you really think so?

K: Absolutely.
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: [unexpectedly kisses me]

Me: OK, this is awkward. I'm sorry, I can't do this.

K: why's that?

Me: [thinking...ruling out possible answers] I'm just not in a good place right now (partial truth after earlier run in with CB).

K: that's cool.

Me: K. Good. You seem like a good guy and all and I'm sorry for making you feel awkward, but I just can't.

K: that's alright [hugs me]

Me: Well I think I'm going to head home.

K: Really? Well I think you're really cool and I'd like you to stay. We don't have to do anything.

Me: Thanks...but I'm calling a cab and I'm gonna go home (translation: I wasn't born yesterday and I know damned well if I stay you're gonna try).

K: You're gonna leave me here with them?

Me: yup. 'fraid so.

K: The cab won't be here for a little while though...[tries to kiss me again]

Me: No, seriously. I'm going. Later. Have a good night. [all but dashing through the door with my sandals undone]

KISSing The Weekend Away

This weekend brought more last minute plans for moi. My brother, his girlfriend, and some friends were heading to Grand Falls-Windsor for Salmon Fest, which they had been planning for months. I was set to attend a family gathering. However, at the 11th hour, my baby bro called and issued another invite with the incentive of a reduced price ticket he had discovered online. After some consideration, I decided what the hell...you only live once and how many more opportunities will I ever have to see KISS? 

Needless to say, the trip was filled with many adventures. We spent a sleepless night at Red Cliff (which they were told was a totally different site but which actually only had a new name) followed by an early morning decision to uproot and look elsewhere for better accommodations. We figured the chances of finding somewhere were slim to none, but were determined not to spend another night at the campsite dealing with the behaviour that was going on and were wracking our brains for some solution over breakfast. Don't get me wrong, it started out as a great atmosphere and we were having a grand time, but with the wee hours also came raiding and escalated rowdiness in our area and by 7am we had had enough. When we told a local waitress of our plight, she initially had no suggestions to offer. However, she later came back and gave us her address so that we could relocate to her backyard. We tipped her very generously and headed over to set up camp. 

After a few unsuccessful hours of trying to catch some Zs in the heat, we got showered up, had a barbecue and a few drinks before heading to the concert. Our hosts had very graciously given us a key to their house in case we got back before them and needed to use the washroom or anything, which was, again, much appreciated. 

We made it to Centennial Field partway through Smashmouth's set and got situated in the crowd. We bypassed the beer tent with it's insane line ups in favour of enjoying the tunes we paid to see. The rain started as KISS hit the stage and we were soaked to the skin by the time they finished up, but KISS delivered and every uncomfortable rain drenched second was worth it. In fact, we didn't really notice at all until we walked back to the tents in a veritable river, freezing to death and wringing our clothes as we went, our fingers and toes shrivelled like prunes. We actually took turns changing into dry clothes in our hosts' woodshed with a flashlight and making mad dashes to the tents...which were a little damp but a lot better than anticipated as we trudged there to inspect the damage with high hopes and low expectations. 

Early Sunday morning we balled everything up, threw it into the vehicles and headed back, stopping in Gander for a bite to eat along the way. We left our hosts with an anniversary present and a thank you card and took with us the memories and the gratitude for the unexpected, above and beyond human kindness and hospitality we had been shown. 

Oh, and the guy from the other night? He was there as well. We had a bit of a thing going on Friday night, but he went his own way Saturday night. It's a little odd, as he is friends with my brother and that has made it a little awkward for both of us in the situations we've been in so far. When we said our goodbyes we did it as any other acquaintances would do, as if we hadn't been making out like teenagers every chance we got to be alone together both nights we were in each other's company. I'm not really sure how one goes about navigating these types of situations and so I just kind of acted as if nothing had transpired between us and he did the same...although I'm pretty sure we got busted a few times by our companions. I guess time will tell if anything becomes of it, but I'm not holding my breath. It was fun while it lasted and he seems like a nice guy, but I also think he's very much still in a playing the field frame of mind. And hey, if nothing else, I'm really learning to embrace spontaneity, prepare for things on a moment's notice, and being reminded not to get prematurely wrapped up in men. That's all got to count for something and I'm having a kick ass summer so far!

Surprise Encounter

So...the real world threw me a bone, so to speak...although on second thought that sounds like it has far too many sexual connotations haha. I went to my baby brother's last night and had a few drinks with him, his girlfriend, and a few of his friends from college....one of whom is kinda cute and happened to put the makes on me partway through the night. There was some chemistry there and we talked and laughed a bit. Who knows if I'll ever see him again, but it was nice to break the real world dry spell that's been ongoing since Marchish (although somewhat self-inflicted). I'm just gonna take it for what it was at this point and try not to read anything into anything. We shall see...

Late Night Goings On

Note to self: hitting enter on facebook does not offer a break in text...it sends messages. Just like the one I unintentionally sent The Labradorian late last night/early this morning in an indignant fit of frustration. I had intended to compose the message, read it over, make any necessary adjustments, and ensure that I was saying what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. Instead, he got the message "Can I ask you something? Out of curiosity, are you treating me the way you normally treat your friends? Because somehow I don't think so." Sigh. Well I guess at least it's concise and to the point (if perhaps a little more abrupt than I usually am)...and really, if he can't figure out what I meant by that 'it's not much odds.' This is all a result of the fact that he said he wanted me to keep in touch...that he wanted to be friends (which is one of the options I put forth in that ridiculous, embarrassing, gut-wrenching email I sent him)...that he wanted to keep talking and be able to ask me how my day was...yet his responsiveness has been sporadic at best and insulting at worst. It's confusing. How can someone be so sweet and come off as such a great guy then act like a total ass (in the nicest way possible, of course...by being pleasant as punch but not following through on calling when they say they are going to, etc).

I'm looking at my words and I realize how silly they are. It's classic behaviour. I just have to beat it into my head that he's not who I thought he was and no matter what he says, his behaviour shows that he's just not into me on any level anymore and really has no interest in being friends and continuing to get to know each other. He's too wrapped up in the latest interest and the sometime responses to emails and the "I like it when you call"'s are purely designed to keep me on the back burner in case whatever he's involved in now doesn't work out. He seemed so innocent that way and he claimed to have "no game" when we started talking initially and I believed him, gullible fool that I am. Why do I always insist on viewing people in the best possible light until they disrespect me so much that I am forced to shift my perceptions? This is a bit of a recurring theme...I'm a smart girl - you'd think I'd have learned by now.

On another note, I was awake until 4am and then woke up again at 6 after having a horrible nightmare about my brother. I actually woke myself rocking back and forth in the bed in agony after a very convoluted dream that ended with me seeing him involuntarily driven away in our parents (now stolen) car by a couple of sketchy and dangerous characters, calling him after he'd been gone a while and I'd been left stranded somewhere I can't seem to remember and hearing his voicemail message stating that if the caller was hearing this, he or she should be very sad because they'd probably never hear his voice again. And the note in his voice was one I'd never heard before.

Of course, I realize it was just a dream and those aren't necessarily words my brother would ever use, but it was totally realistic and waking up alone after that was very hard. It was one of those nightmares that is so vivid it takes a while to figure out that it was just in your head and I was really scared and upset and needing someone to talk to to get my mind off it so I could attempt sleep again. The first person who came to mind? The Labradorian (partly because I knew he would be awake and partly because I still want to view him as sweet and comforting). Stupid, stupid girl. Thankfully, I squashed that notion by the time I was 3/4 alert and instead signed onto facebook to see if there was anyone on chat that would do. Lo and behold, The Old Flame was online. We hadn't been in contact since that night he got me safely home after being rather uncharacteristically intoxicated, but he was there for me and wanted to make sure I was alright.

During the course of our (relatively brief) conversation, I asked him what my best and worst points are in his opinion. His answer? Best: honesty. Worst: reading too much into things. I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, but said there were a few times when he said something to the point to me and I made it so that it didn't mean what he had meant anymore. I asked if I had asked questions or made assumptions. He said both. I'm not really sure what to make of that. In any case, I thought that was rather ironic since I had been beating myself up earlier for being too trusting and taking people's words at face value too much. I voiced that thought. He replied, "Well you didn't with me." Interesting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Why do guys say things they obviously don't mean? What is the point in trying to play the nice guy with words when the actions contradict those words at every turn? I don't get it. Isn't being honest and respectful with someone preferable to telling them what you think they want to hear only to have them believe you and end up feeling like a moron? Please explain the rationale behind that. It makes no sense to me. It really doesn't. All it does is make them look like bigger jerks than we ever would have thought they were otherwise. Amongst other examples that come readily to mind which other girl friends have experienced, there have now been two separate instances where a 'man' and I had mutually (or so I thought) agreed that we would be friends. I was totally OK with that. I thought they were nice guys and I would have liked to count them amongst my friends. However, both of those 'men' then proceeded to show me that that isn't actually what they wanted (either that or they have no idea what it means to be friends or how to be friends with a girl). SO WHY SAY IT WAS?!?!?!?!? It irritates me to no end. I'm a pretty friendly person and I've had girl friends and guy friends all my life. However, if I am not interested in being someone's friend, I don't say or do anything to make them think otherwise (and I don't mean that I am mean or disrespectful or rude...I just don't encourage them). I guess maybe that's just me. Anyway, let's hope I can now chalk that up to another lesson learned. But seriously - what idiots!!! It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie ran into her exes best friend - an ex who had broken up with her on a Post It. The best friend basically said that men are afraid of women's reactions and Carrie explained that all women want is to be told (face to face in her case) in a way that is respectful and befitting of the relationship and what was between them and the man in question. Is that really too much to ask?!?! I think that episode should actually be required viewing for all members of the opposite sex. Maybe they'd learn something. Then again, probably not.

In other news, I've learned that The Cheating Bastard and his naive girlfriend are moving to Denmark together. I don't get that either. I basically threw him under the bus. Did she not believe me? Does she have no self-respect? Is she crazy? Who knows. I have a feeling she will be in for a rude awakening down the road...but for her sake I will hope that he has actually seen the light and decided to change his behaviour.

Living on the Fly

So midway through my last post (which I actually finished today) I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother's girlfriend. They were heading out to La Manche to go camping and wondered if I'd like to go with. My only alternative at the time was to stay home glued to the TV and computer, so I told them to drop by and give me a sec to get ready and I'd follow them out and stay for supper. Before I knew it, I had a bunch of gear packed (just in case) and was heading out the door. This is nothing short of amazing, as I really don't do spur of the moment well when preparation is needed. We stopped at a convenience store and a liquor store en route and I got other things (just in case). By the time we got there and got the tent set up, I was put on supper duty and my brother was shoving booze at me...that combined with the fog made the decision that I was going to have to stay and tough it out (I can be a bit of a princess at times). Anyway, the rain came down all night and we got soaked, but we did get lots of funny pics in my car during our intermittent escapes from the waterworks, and we did manage to make use of the fire pit to roast wieners and make s'mores. All in all, a good night. I did wimp out on the hike the next day, though...there is a limit to my ability to do things unprepared and the black flies were driving me insane while we were getting packed up to leave the campsite so I headed home to clean up and re-group.

Last night I went to watch the Canada Day fireworks with my three closest friends in town. We all arrived separately and in the nick of time, which made for stories in themselves. It was really good to be together and having a laugh. I'm so thankful to be able to do that. It was a little anti-climactic for me, though, as my worries got the better of me and I ended up leaving early to come home rather than become a party pooper.

Today I was up bright and early and getting geared up for a hike...which was initially cancelled but will now probably be happening in about a half an hour or so. Let's hope the sunshine is good to me...At the very least, it should help me put my anxiety about my current situation in check. Better to be doing something than dwelling on doing nothing.

I'm lucky to have friends and family who notice when I'm not me and rally to support me and bring me back to myself.

Post Party Mash Up

Friday night was epic. My girls and I did the Party Bus thing and spent the night downtown gettin our groove on. Many entertaining anecdotes followed the next day, of course, amongst ourselves, and it was infinitely amusing to re-hash the evening's events. However, we were also all duly reminded that gone are the days of partying from Thursday to Sunday...now it's party Thursday and recover til Sunday...or, you know...party Friday and recover til Wednesday...whatever.  The important thing is, it was a blast and it was much needed.

In other news, the 'friendship' with the Labradorian boggles me. I won't even go there right now. Suffice it to say that we may have different ideas of what it means to be friends and how one's friends should be treated.

I re-connected with an old friend in BC the other night...that was really nice. We hadn't spoken in about a year, give or take. Lots to catch up on, for sure. Interestingly enough, she has decided to take on the administration of the school we taught at together. Apparently they have hired 3 new teachers for the upcoming year and haven't heard anything in a while from one of them...she said if they don't hear from this person, I may be getting a phone call. In all honesty, up until very recently if someone had asked me if I would go back to the place I started my teaching career, the answer would have been an emphatic and resounding 'no.' However, being that I need steady income to get back on my feet and have more experience under my belt now - and that I'm single and free of the thoughts, feelings and opinions of the  significant other who went with me last time and (I now realize) colored my own thinking quite a bit - I may be willing to give it a re-do and see where it takes me. Of course, the likelihood that that would actually come to pass is still slim.