Sometimes Others Say It Best

As were many Canadians, I was truly saddened by the loss of Jack Layton. On the NL BlogRoll circuit, the evidence is clear:

John Gushue posted this video from The National
WiseWebWoman offered this cartoon
ViewPoint2010 shared Jack's last words to Canadians
and Charlie wrote of his thoughts on Mr. Layton

As someone who is rarely interested in the political scene as much as I (perhaps) should be, there's not a whole lot I can talk about right now in that regard. What I can honestly say is that not many politicians make a really strong impression on me. Jack Layton is one of a select few who did. He inspired my respect, admiration, and thanks. He was a great man and will most definitely be missed.

Back To Life

I am feeling alive today for the first time in over a week. It is the first day since "the end" that I didn't have to force myself every step of the way. I think that is a good sign, yes? I've also decided that some pampering is in order...so right now I'm sitting here with treatment in my hair and an oatmeal, milk and honey masque on my face after a nice, long soak in the tub with some Epsom salts and essential oils. Yep, it may hurt and I may miss him and the situation may totally not make sense to me or anyone else, but I'm tougher than all that and it's going to be OK...

On another note, I have a blind date on Thursday and have been chatting with a couple of other guys who have been helping distract me when things are slow and my mind needs occupying...or redirecting, whatever the case may be...

Heartsick Meanderings

Today has been rough, yet again. I'm coming down with what feels like the flu and that only makes the missing worse. The one comfort I got today was in talking to my cousin, who told me that not even ten minutes after we talked on Sunday he ended up calling to talk to her husband (his brother). He expressed that he was having a tough time with the situation and hated that he had hurt me and asked how I was doing. She assured me that he had cared every bit as much as it had appeared he had...that I had done the right thing in responding the way I had, and that he will no doubt be spending the time until she comes doing some serious thinking. My cousin also commented that she doesn't think she's ever seen me like this over another man...that I usually bounce back fairly quickly and don't suffer this way. It's funny because I was pondering the same thing myself prior to our conversation. Have I ever felt this way? It certainly feels like a different kind of pain and loss than I remember experiencing before. Anyway, the goal for tomorrow is to try and recapture some sort of normalcy and productivity. Keeping busy seems to be as good a plan as any...So does trying to be in bed before 3am for the first time in a week...

Unexpected Acts of Kindness

I went on a hike today with a couple of girlfriends. We chilled on the beach and frolicked in the ocean for a bit and took our time enjoying being amongst the trees on the trail on the way back. It was great. We saw a bald eagle and another creature we couldn't quite decide on...the consensus seemed to be either a seal or a sea lion or something. Upon our return to the car, I happened to notice an RCMP vehicle parked next to us...we speculated as to the cause, but none of us had any inkling of the actual reason...

As we approached, the officer (who was uber cute I might add) greeted us and asked for one of us specifically by name. It turns out she had lost her wallet at some point that day (completely unbeknownst to any of us) and a good samaritan had turned it in to the policeman. He, in turn, had driven down to the trail head and ran my other friend's license plate through the system when he saw her parked car. He came to the conclusion that since they have the same last name (they're sisters), perhaps we had come back to look for the wallet and so he waited for us.

Nothing was missing and, in fact, he even produced and returned the Pringles snack pack she had been missing on the hike and assumed she had left in the car. Life sure is strange and wonderful sometimes :)

Coping With The Aftermath

In general, there is an emptiness...as if a piece of me is missing. Although a friend comfortingly pointed out that experiences shape the soul and if he is now a part of my soul he will always be with me in a way. That and a hot Portuguese marine who provided an excellent distraction got me through the past few days. Now it's back to real life and pushing myself to let go, move on, and get through this. I am coping fairly well, but everything feels very lackluster and mundane for the time being...

When It's Over

I am coming to realize that writing about interactions with men on my blog is akin to giving them the kiss of death. I got the news this morning. She is coming. She has decided she wants to give it a try now that he has forced her hand and demanded a decision. He says he is not confident it will work, but has to know. He says he is riding a roller coaster of emotions and is torn between happiness and sadness. He says he has no regrets...that we connected for a reason and he hopes he will see it soon.

I saw it coming. I told myself to give it a chance and not run for a change. I told myself to live and experience and perhaps I would be the exception to the rule. I've seen this situation play out so many times with others....two people who seem to be so right for each other and make each other ecstatically happy and then one of them goes back to an ex who everyone thinks is wrong for them and the whole world says WTF?!?!?!? It was only a matter of time before I joined the statistics.

Monday I started to think perhaps I should cut ties and save my pride instead of taking the chance of being rejected. I proceeded to take a few steps back mentally and emotionally in a futile attempt to protect my heart. Tuesday I decided to enjoy it as long as I could and let fate decide. Wednesday I took a break from thinking and Thursday I was thankful for the magical evening we spent together. Which appears to have been the last.

My response to the news? "Cool. Well it's been fun. Good luck." There is so much I could say but I'm sure my brevity spoke volumes. The blotchy, tear-stained face and swollen eyelids are not for him to see. Let him think whatever he wants - that I'm dying inside, that I never cared to begin with, that I'm OK...what does it matter? I knew I would be the one to lose either way, despite his surety that any outcome for him would be bittersweet.

Reflection is my only recourse right now to try and make sense of it all. What have I learned from this? So many things that I cannot put it all together or formulate the words to describe them right now. But first and foremost: never get involved with someone who's heart is not completely free to be yours (which I already knew but tried to ignore) no matter how much they claim to care about you.

I wonder if he told her about me in the end? I didn't have the heart to ask...I don't know if I want to know...

Whirlwind

The past two weeks have flown by. So much has happened and I have barely had any time to think...At the crux of this time and need for processing is the fact that I have met someone...the new new guy...the old new guy sort of disappeared without a trace or an explanation. He went on vacation to his family home with the message that he would be in contact and was looking forward to getting together with me again when he got back. And that was the last I heard of him. It's been about 2 weeks. 

2 weeks ago today I went to a get together my cousin and her husband were having (they were home on vacation as well). Her brother in law was there and the attraction was instantaneous and mutual...which neither of us realized until the next day when my cousin spoke to him and later gave me his number to contact him (apparently he was kicking himself for not approaching me and didn't believe her when she said I had felt the same). 

To make a long story short, we got in contact and haven't stopped talking since. We've gone on a number of dates and spent some incredible time together. We get each other. There is something insanely powerful between us and we both feel as if we've known each other for years. I could go on and on, but you get the point. It's amazing. 

There is, however, a problem (of course). He moved back to the island in May with the promise to his then girlfriend of 7 years that she could take her time and decide whether or not to move here with him. She changed her mind one way and the other a few times and so he told her that in the interim perhaps they should just behave as if they were both single. 

...and then he met me. He was upfront and honest with me from the get-go and neither of us expected this connection or these feelings. It's hard. We have both talked about waiting until he knows what's what vs enjoying each other while we can. My pride is hurting. He is torn. It's a mess. I have no idea what is going to happen or when I will know. I am kicking myself for being in this situation. But I wonder if I would kick myself more if I said goodbye. He has contacted her and told her that she needs to decide what she's doing because he needs to move on with his life either way, but he feels that he owes it to her to try if she wants to after so much time together. I cannot justify spending time with someone and growing feelings for each other when everything hinges on what a third party decides. He isn't choosing me right now...which makes me a very stupid girl for sticking around. But this feels like it may be a once in a lifetime thing. How do I walk away from that before I have to? And how can he stay on a string for someone else when he feels the same? My cousin is convinced he is in love with us both. I am inclined to agree, although the words have not been spoken...and I could very easily let myself go and fall in love with him as well but I am holding back in a futile attempt to protect myself while still enjoying his company. The feelings are there but I hesitate to acknowledge or label them. So for now it's a day at a time until I figure out what I need to say and do to reconcile everything for myself and be OK. In the meantime, who knows what her decision will be or when she will deliver it? Sigh...the universe certainly works in strange, mysterious and frustrating ways sometimes...

There is one thing I do know...everything for a reason. If he isn't my happily ever after (and I don't see how he could be given the situation, although it certainly feels like it has the potential to go that way) then it only means we were meant to learn something from each other and there is something better waiting for us both down the road. I am thankful for the time we have spent together and for being given this opportunity to get to know each other. I have no regrets so far and neither does he. I hope it stays that way.