Quit Day

It is now 12:45 pm and my last cigarette was 8:30ish last night. It wasn't too bad getting through the night (popcorn, reading, writing, water, and TV helped) or the morning once I was actually at work...before that was basically a blur of cigarette obsession from the moment my eyes opened until I was through the doors at the building...and that is what I am once again experiencing now. I just ate and this would be a routine time to have a smoke. It's all I can think about. In fact, I'm typing this in the hopes that keeping my fingers busy may help. I'm half afraid to check and see how the girls are doing, but I sent them messages asking how Day One is going so far. No responses as of yet. I wonder if their inner addicts are pressuring them to cave, already, too? One hour at a time, I suppose...

Anxiety

As previously noted, I had selected January 10th to be my quit smoking date. That has changed. I went out with my smoker friends tonight and it turns out they have also decided it is time. I'm not sure if that will make it easier or tougher. On the one hand, we will all be going through the same thing together...on the other, there is a risk that someone may not make it out alive with all the emotional upheaval caused by withdrawal. I remember those feelings well and am not looking forward to experiencing them again, but I know the payoff will be greater than the temporary discomfort.

Anyway, long story short, I decided to smoke what I had left and start the week without cigarettes (I actually find it more appealing to not stop mid-week for some reason, a fact that my inner addict was using to try and convince me to prolong the smoking until next Monday rather than stop on a Tuesday).

The problem is, I am working tomorrow morning for the first time in a while at a school I haven't been to in about a year and that makes me nervous. The thought of getting up and going there with no cigarette fix and leaving without having one afterwards is stressful for me right now. However, thanks to WiseWebWoman, who helpfully introduced me to Quitnet, I have had support off and on all day while trying to mentally prepare for this farewell. And a lot of those words of wisdom and encouragement from former smokers reminded me of something I had forgotten: the fear of quitting is often worse than quitting itself in some respects.

I just hope I can sleep tonight because I will be needing my rest for tomorrow...

Relief

Journal has turned up safe and sound. I am one very relieved and thankful girl. Lesson reaffirmed: trust in myself. I may overlook things once in a while (such as checking the same place 3 times before finding my precious soul extension), but I'm not careless enough to leave it somewhere it's depths could be plundered.

Panic

So I was going to write in my journal today...and then I realized that it is evidently on the missing list. NOT GOOD. My mind is racing, trying to think of where it may be. It's not like me to be careless with something so personal and revealing. That book chronicles my experiences and details my innermost thoughts and feelings...it's like an extension of my soul. I shudder to think who may read and what they may discover and am praying it turns up somewhere in my apartment, safe from prying eyes...

In other news, I blew the quit plan to smithereens and I have two days left before the 10th. The addiction is starting to play with my brain. It's trying to convince me to make deals with myself that I know I will break.  I'm reaching deep inside to find the necessary resolve and rise above it.

Wish me luck, on both counts!

Envy

I was wasting time on facebook and stumbled across some pictures posted by an acquaintance of mine. I experienced mixed emotions looking at them...vicarious joy and wonder at her experiences (this woman is amazing and very well rounded), inspiration to go out there, grab life by the balls, and start LIVING, regret that I didn't get to know her better while I was in the same vicinity, envy that I didn't get to do any of those things myself whilst on the other side of the country (or at all, in some cases), longing for BC, and the sad realization that looking at glimpses of someone else's life was making me view my own as empty, mundane, and devoid of excitement and fulfillment.

Thankfully, I had the sense to get outta there instead of stay and wallow in self-pity. But before I left, I sent her a positive message to counteract the negativity attempting to creep in. I also told myself that comparing my own life to someone else's is futile. We are all our own people, we have our own personalities and our own paths to travel. My time will come. I am putting the steps in place to eventually reconcile my dreams with my reality. I just have to remember to keep working towards what I want and not let discouragement, anxiety and fear stop me in my tracks any more than they already have. I also have to account for the fact that her income is much higher than mine at present and, much as money can't buy happiness, it is a requisite for a lot of activities. So, again, renewed determination to go for progress and stability this year. I have been booked for work Monday morning...that is a start. I also came to the conclusion, once again, that I need to broaden my circle of friends. If you continue to mix with the same small group of people, chances are you are never going to meet anyone new or be introduced to new and different things. I need those opportunities to experience increased diversity. It's time to step outside of my comfort zone once again and see what happens...

Up and Running

I'm quite proud of myself. I have so far devised a quit plan, made a list of schools to hit (8 of which I visited today), printed off resumes, and cleaned and tidied a couple more little sections of my apartment. I am oozing positivity and good vibes and I love it :) I think I may have finally regained my balance. Here's hoping I can keep it and make it work for me!

Reflection

So this is it...the first day of 2012. I must admit, there is a shift in me today...but I think it's one that has been formulating inside for quite some time. It doesn't feel like anything monumental. Just another day. But an opportunity to make a new start and get off on the right foot. I'm glad that I'm not hungover today. New Year's Eve was less than thrilling and I came home from the Sheraton at 10am-ish this morning. But I'm happy. There was no kiss at midnight, I barely danced, and I hardly drank...in fact, I didn't even have anything to sip on to toast and yell "CHEERS!" when the countdown ended...but I was with my girls. New memories were created and the most obscure encounters of the evening stirred some kind of deeper understanding in me. When the New Year was rung in, we were standing on the dance floor - together. It also feels good to be able to function right now...I've unpacked my bag, done the dishes, and started laundry since arriving chez moi. Mundane? Totally. Yet also satisfying. It's better than being sick or just going to bed and sleeping the day away. I feel older, wiser, and there is a sense of accomplishment inherent in not having a kick ass time on the biggest party night of the year, but still being able to appreciate it for what it was.

2011 was a great learning experience. There were lots of fun times and lots of not so fun times. I found myself living it up and making up for the loss of my social life in my 20s and I also found myself drowning in my own sorrows on more than one occasion, lost and drifting in an endless sea of uncertainty. There was excitement and there was heartbreak. I didn't accomplish a lot of the things I had wished to, but I did come into my own a little more on the inside. Here's hoping 2012 brings more progress and stability my way...and brings you whatever it is that you would like to have in your own life. May it be kind to us all. 

PS: I have decided that January 10th will be my quit smoking date. The weaning starts today.