Holy S#!$ I'm A Mom

I'm fast finding out that our parenting paths don't always go as we foresee, starting with our birth stories...

I was NOT put on the induction list at 38 weeks. I was, in fact, given a choice to either try a natural delivery to a predicted very large baby and risk shoulder dystocia and all its complications (and be put on the induction list in order to get there), or schedule a Cesarian section. I opted for the section. It was brutal. Getting the spinal was sheer hell, the surgery itself was a terrifying experience, and recovery was a bi@#!. Yet, I know it could have been a whole lot worse. No question - giving birth is not for the faint of heart.

So, at 38.5 weeks I got to meet my darling baby boy...who was taken from me 2 hours later and brought to the NICU where he spent the first 8 days of his life. It was extremely hard to be separated from him and to go home from the hospital baby-less. However, again, I know it could have been a whole lot worse. 8 days is a helluva long time when you're going through it, but it's just a blink of an eye compared to the lengthy stays of some infants and, thankfully, the complications baby boy experienced were not life threatening (although some of them and the resulting wires and machines were unbearably hard to witness).

Fast forward to today and I am sitting on the couch next to the most beautiful little boy I've ever laid eyes on as he naps. My heart feels as though it will explode most of the time. My life is an endless whirlwind of feedings, diapers, baths, naps, and troubleshooting fussiness, but the most fleeting of smiles and coos makes it all worth it. This aching love is unlike anything else I have ever known. I have joined the ranks of mothers all over the world who instantly and instinctively know throughout the depths of their souls what I am talking about. The need to meet this child's needs, to protect and comfort him and see that he is happy and well are everything. My focus has shifted and priorities have realigned themselves. Preoccupation with my figure has gone out the window. Hell, I'm lucky if I can get myself fed, bathed, and dressed in the run of a day right now. Who has time to look in the mirror?? Besides, I'm damn proud of the feats my body has performed and this continued ability to nourish another little being using nothing but my own. It's pretty badasss, I gotta say, even if we did get off to a rocky start in the breastfeeding department.

In short, it has been an amazing couple of months. I have unearthed the new reserves of energy and patience that all new parents must, I have been covered in all sorts of bodily fluids that aren't my own, I have known the most incredible joys over the tiniest of things and been devastated beyond belief by things I never thought would matter (that part has been mostly hormonal, I do believe). I honestly don't even have the words to describe the feelings...oh, the feelings. And so, while I am petrified of what is to come once my maternity leave is done, with no job to go to and hubby just finishing up school, no idea what to do about child care or whether it will be somehow feasible to stay at home to take care of this gorgeous, bright little human, I am also doing my very best to cherish each and every moment I get to spend being a mom and seeing my baby learn and grow (even if I am constantly a hot mess and my house regularly looks like a clutter and dust bunny bomb went off and spilled a few crumbs, dishes, and toys along the way). It is the single most special and significant thing I have ever done. I am willing the time to go by slowly, even though I know this phase will be over all too quick. For now, I am simply thankful beyond belief that he is here and healthy and that I was afforded a few precious moments to myself today to write this blog entry I've been yearning to write for some time now. It didn't shape up the way I had envisioned, either, but it is written and that is something.

Impending Birth

I/we made it! I'm now at 36 weeks pregnant and I'm told I'll be put on the induction list at 38 weeks provided all goes well until then. I'm told I'm carrying a baby boy. He's measuring ahead for his gestational age. It has been one helluva rollercoaster ride these past months! I'm full of so many things right now...happiness, relief, fear, anxiety, nervousness, anticipation, excitement, wonder...it's unbelievable that there is this living, moving, thing inside my body that will soon be delivered to the outside world. And life will never be the same. I hope and pray that he will be healthy and happy; that birthing him will go well, that hubby and I will somehow fumble our way through parenthood and raise a decent human being with good morals and values; that he will achieve his dreams; that we will achieve ours...that it will all be OK. Please wish us luck, love, patience, good vibes, or whatever else new parents need to get through until they figure it out. And, because I'm totally hormonal and mushy right now - love to each and every one of you.

A New Journey

I wonder if anyone even drops by to read my humble, neglected blog anymore? Perhaps the odd person who happens upon it by accident. Perhaps the odd reader who still "follows" me and sees an interesting blurb now and then. Who knows? In any event, I feel the urge to write again today. It would seem I've reached a new milestone in this life - that of mommy-to-be. I won't say it was completely unexpected, but it was still a bit of a shock and took me totally off guard. I anticipated months of "trying" before we conceived, but it was completely the opposite. Once. One time without taking any kind of precautions, and ba-bam! Crazy. I've been digesting the news for a few weeks now and we've let our families and some close friends in on the precious secret, but we have yet to tell the world at large. Superstition, I suppose, the fear that we will somehow jinx it or that something will happen and it will be public knowledge...or maybe we just want to keep this knowledge to the "inner circle" for a little while longer. I do realize that this is a public forum, but since I have kept myself rather anonymous here, it feels safe to divulge the information to any potential readers. 

So, yeah, steep learning curve at the moment and even higher ones ahead for the foreseeable future. Now that the initial denial and anxiety and stress have somewhat abated, I am able to breathe and be hopeful, happy, and full of awe and wonder. Let's not kid ourselves, the stress is still there - I'm just able to look past the worry most days at this point and focus on the gift that we have been given. I get the sense that a new life is beginning (a new phase, at the very least, for sure) and I pray that everything works out OK. Better than OK. Perhaps creating another life will be the catalyst to making changes in my own...changes I've been dragging my heels over for months and years due to indecision and fear and lack of direction. At least, that is among my hopes for where all of this is headed. A new direction, indeed. It's hard to fathom some days how much my life has changed in the past 14 months. Onward, we go!

When to Say When

I've decided to drop my current distance course and cut my losses. I decided this on the eve of my mid-term exam. I contacted the invigilator and let her know I wasn't prepared to write the exam on the following day and she informed me that I would have up to 10 days to re-register without penalty. I then left town to take a break and have a change of scenery. The thing is, I've already invested a lot of time and money into it and I know that, what with all the time I was busy doing other things during the last year, it would've been down to the wire to finish...and I would've had to pay another $365 minimum in order to do so. Turns out I've gotten to the point in my life where I can (finally) let go of things like that (although I was stressed for a while before actually making the move) instead of continuing to pursue something that has become more of a burden than an accomplishment out of a sense of obligation and a fear of failure and disappointing others. I've come to the conclusion that it isn't failing if I made the decision in the interest of my own well being, and my obligation is to take care of myself. Though a tinge of fear remained, the relief I felt was palpable. Here's to being an adult and taking responsibility for your own life and your own actions. We shall see what happens and where I go from here...

Wherever You May Roam...

Recently, I've been feeling the itch to travel again. I'm missing the places I've been and wanting to go exploring new horizons, as well. I'm wondering how people afford to travel these days, especially to get themselves off an island with exorbitant airfare price-tags. For the time being, I'll just look back on photos with nostalgia and reflect on the pieces of my heart I've left in various locales (the above image was taken on a beach in Mexico). The urge is there to (however briefly) reunite with fragments now residing in British Columbia, to meet the rest of my husband's family on the mainland (where some of them and their homes and our memories have already claimed tidbits of said heart) as well as a desire to return to the UK, where remnants of my heart have been residing for these past 15 years. I want to go and dig further into my extended roots and see what I can find...I immediately felt a connection with the place during my first foray, and I'd like for hubby to come with me this time. It was bliss when we visited Quebec together a couple of years ago...pieces of me stay there, too. It's such a rich existence when you can experience different landscapes and cultures, people, friendships, and connections...but your heart is never whole and in one place again. 

Musings of Maturity

Though I've sometimes contemplated it (like probably everybody else has at one time or another), I'd never actually want to go back and change my life because I like where I am today. There are maybe certain parts I'd like to re-do because they were bloody fantastic, and there are parts that were painful as hell that it would be nice to erase...but most likely necessary to my growth and development in one way or another.

What I would like to do is go back and interact with people as the person I have become. I'd like to do a better job of certain things...the way I chose my career and where I placed my priorities within it the first few years; the naïveté that allowed me to get into certain situations or let people take advantage or manipulate me without realizing; the black-and-white mentality, judgment, and moral superiority I exhibited at times when it would have been much better to show compassion and be understanding; the shyness, anxiety, and lack of any kind of belief in myself that prevented me from being who I am and shining; the crippling depression and inability to acknowledge my talents and strengths; the fear that stopped me from following my dreams (and still does, to an extent...will have to work on that one some more).

Yes, it would be awesome to navigate my way through life with the knowledge and confidence I now possess...but it was also through those interactions of the past that I developed those things and forged a new perspective. Catch 22.

The Randomness that is Today

Headache. Pain.

Broken glass. Water and ice cubes everywhere.

Nosebleed. One out-of-nowhere stream over a cup of coffee - half a second later, ended; did I hallucinate that?

Overflowing toilet. Sopping wet towels. Thank goodness there was nothing in there.

I cannot wait for a hug from my husband.