The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

Day One Conquered

Since 6am when my eyes popped open, I have been obsessed with wanting to have a cigarette. There was a three hour reprieve when I was at work this morning, and the rest of the time I have been practically living on Quitnet. I thought I had the afternoon and evening covered, but my plans went out the window (through a series of events out of my control) and so did my cool, calm, collected self and my resolve to stay smoke-free. I felt irritated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, let down, not in control, and afraid. So afraid, in fact, that I couldn't trust myself to drive across town as my Plan B to see a friend or my brother and possibly go for a walk (which I thought would help me feel better) because I was certain I would cave and buy a pack of cigarettes the moment I went through the door with the high stress level and vulnerability I was experiencing.

I am not gonna lie, it was not pretty there for a while. I spent about three hours in an escalating state of panic and snotting and bawling like an emotional basket case. Which in turn made me feel like a pathetic weakling and I cried harder with the sense of impending failure and hatred of myself for not being stronger and more composed. I remember being emotional the first time I quit, but I didn't remember it hitting this intensely so soon in the quit. It also irked me that the friend who wanted to quit the least has been having the easiest time of it today.

Thankfully, I got myself to a chat room where supportive fellow quitters were ready and willing to get me through. They kept tabs on me, encouraged me, reassured me, checked on me, gave me their tips, tricks, and words of wisdom, made me laugh, consoled me, comforted me, soothed me, told me what I have been experiencing is normal...they commiserated with me, stayed with me, kept me with them, and helped me hang in there until I was strong enough to leave and they assured me that they would be there should I find myself needing them later. How wonderful is that? And so, eventually, I was able to take the Nicorette inhaler out of my mouth, where it had been hanging haphazardly and being chewed and puffed on intermittently, throw the wadded up ball of tissues in the trash can, clean up my blotched and tear stained face, and sign out.

The relief and excitement of making it into Day Two (which feels like a huge accomplishment at this point, I gotta say) combined with the humble gratitude for the help I was embarrassed to need but glad to receive allowed me to breathe a little easier and gave me renewed faith that I can do this. I made a list of reasons to keep my quit (which I plan to keep on hand and review frequently), I have plans to make a list of distractions for when the intense cravings hit again, and I have bookmarked more websites to explore.  Happily, my eyes are no longer puffy and bloodshot. My hope now is that I will be able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a little easier than today.

Quit Day

It is now 12:45 pm and my last cigarette was 8:30ish last night. It wasn't too bad getting through the night (popcorn, reading, writing, water, and TV helped) or the morning once I was actually at work...before that was basically a blur of cigarette obsession from the moment my eyes opened until I was through the doors at the building...and that is what I am once again experiencing now. I just ate and this would be a routine time to have a smoke. It's all I can think about. In fact, I'm typing this in the hopes that keeping my fingers busy may help. I'm half afraid to check and see how the girls are doing, but I sent them messages asking how Day One is going so far. No responses as of yet. I wonder if their inner addicts are pressuring them to cave, already, too? One hour at a time, I suppose...

Up and Running

I'm quite proud of myself. I have so far devised a quit plan, made a list of schools to hit (8 of which I visited today), printed off resumes, and cleaned and tidied a couple more little sections of my apartment. I am oozing positivity and good vibes and I love it :) I think I may have finally regained my balance. Here's hoping I can keep it and make it work for me!

Conversations in the Dark

Me: hi

Cheating Bastard: [blank stare]

Me: no hard feelings, OK?

CB: [pause] since when?

Me: since whenever, man

CB: [with questioning look] why?

Me: because you lied to me and I don't appreciate being lied to.

CB [confused shrug and headshake]

Me: you @$%&ed up. All you had to do was tell the truth.

CB: Man, honestly, I don't have anything to say to you

Me: That's fine. I just saw you and I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to interfere with your night and I expect the same. OK?

CB: [uncertain nod]

Me: K. Have fun

CB: [another uncertain nod]

Me: [smile, turn, walk away]

...and now I wonder why I didn't ask why...but his expression told me that he did get what he deserved...
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: in every break up there is a winner and a loser. Usually the winner wins by a tiny margin. You won by a landslide. He will never forget you and he will never get over this...well...he might get 90% over it, but someday 30 years down the road he's gonna be married and he's gonna be sitting on the couch and his wife's gonna be out somewhere and he's gonna be thinking of you. Guys don't show vulnerability like that either. For him to come out and ask you why...it's been eating at him.

Me: you really think so?

K: Absolutely.
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: [unexpectedly kisses me]

Me: OK, this is awkward. I'm sorry, I can't do this.

K: why's that?

Me: [thinking...ruling out possible answers] I'm just not in a good place right now (partial truth after earlier run in with CB).

K: that's cool.

Me: K. Good. You seem like a good guy and all and I'm sorry for making you feel awkward, but I just can't.

K: that's alright [hugs me]

Me: Well I think I'm going to head home.

K: Really? Well I think you're really cool and I'd like you to stay. We don't have to do anything.

Me: Thanks...but I'm calling a cab and I'm gonna go home (translation: I wasn't born yesterday and I know damned well if I stay you're gonna try).

K: You're gonna leave me here with them?

Me: yup. 'fraid so.

K: The cab won't be here for a little while though...[tries to kiss me again]

Me: No, seriously. I'm going. Later. Have a good night. [all but dashing through the door with my sandals undone]

Working On It

I have been trying to take realistic positive steps to improve my mood and my life in general. I'm happy to report that I've kept the cigarette quota to 5-6 for the past week or so and I've been making a concerted effort to slug back more H2O. I've also hit mom's new treadmill for the past two nights and tried to jog for at least half the time I was on there. I am working at eating more fruits and veggies and trying to curb the emotional junk food binges. I've been renewing the job searching efforts as well, and taking more time to read and write. Sleep is still a bit of an issue, but I figure I'm not doing too badly in the grand scheme of things...provided I can keep chipping away at all those things until I get to where I want to be.

Oh, and this is noteworthy: in further attempts to shake the black dog that's been hounding me, I also went in search of some funnies today. I added a list of those sites I deemed worthy of revisiting to my blog. Check 'em out if you need a laugh.

Unexpected Insights

Sometimes the universe throws you messages in bottles just when you need them...or, you know...you notice something with no real significance that strikes a chord and so feel the need to attach some meaning to them...whatever works. I have had a few such instances in the past few weeks and thought I'd share a couple of words of wisdom that the universe saw fit to put in my path...



From the tag of a Yogi Tea teabag: "Know your own worth and act with wisdom" - yep, I hear ya Yogi Tea...loud and clear!!! It's been a long journey, but I think I'm getting there. Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.



From an episode of Family Guy (Lois speaking to Meg about her sister Carol): "She has such low self-esteem that every time a man shows her the slightest glimmer of attention she rushes into something serious and gets her heart broken like a teenage girl." - Uh huh, uh huh...I hear ya Lois! That pretty much sums up my first two relationships! Let's hope the confidence and self-esteem stays where it should and I don't suffer from that particular affliction again! Thank you for the reminder. Much appreciated.

And finally, a little bit of a story for you...

I sat with a gay guy outside of Dusk for a bit over the weekend. As I smoked my cigarette, he was texting and ranting about a guy he was supposed to be meeting who said he was outside of Dusk and who neither of us saw hide nor hair of..."What does he look like?" I asked. "I don't know," he replied. "Have you ever met him before?" I asked. "Uh uh," he replied, "but I hope he shows up soon - I'm freezing my ass off here! I hate when guys stand me up. What a douche!" ...oh yes, Mr. Gay Guy (who's name I never got and wish I had) - I HEAR YOU. LOUD AND CLEAR. So comforting somehow to know that even gay guys have to contend with guys being jerks. Thank you for venting to me and giving me a feeling of solidarity. Much appreciated.

A Year of Singledom

While the 22nd of February marked a year of being single for me, tomorrow marks a year since I got on the plane to fly home. So I figured now is as good a time as any to sum up the events and accomplishments of re-learning how to be single, re-adjusting to life in Newfoundland, and growing and adapting in general. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. I chose my own apartment for the first time and learned how to live alone for the first time
2. I picked out and purchased furniture for myself for the first time
3. I got comfortable driving in a city (albeit a small one) and on the highway solo
4. I started hiking and doing yoga again
5. I lost somewhere in the vicinity of 20-25 pounds
6. I started what I hope will eventually become a novel (which has been on the back burner for months and I should probably get back to at some point)
7. I dog sat and cat sat for the first time
8. I learned how to market myself better professionally and got better at meeting people personally and professionally
9. I gave it a shot with an old flame
10. I threw my hat into the online dating arena and met and dated a few different men
11. I busted a cheater
12. I started tutoring
13. I auditioned for and joined a new choir
14. I began volunteering on the local theatre scene
15. I made some new friends and made amends with or distanced myself from some old ones
16. I got used to being able to visit friends and family on the spur of the moment again, which is awesome
17. I played a background extra on Republic of Doyle, which was fun
18. I got reacquainted with George Street and was able to somewhat re-live the good ole days (but with better sense)
19. I re-learned how to play pool (and I'm still not very good at it)
20. I got used to shoveling myself out of my apartment and driveway

AND, most importantly:

I got smarter, stronger, and more confident in general, more attuned to myself and my senses, and my vision learned to see even more shades of grey between the black and the white. I also came to terms with the fact that I cannot save/rescue everyone else and that in order to function and be OK myself I have to create space, a buffer zone if you will, between myself and other people's problems sometimes...and that that doesn't mean I don't care and am not willing to listen and help in any way that I can, but that I can no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (figuratively speaking, of course), as I was always so apt to do.

Yup, all in all it's been a pretty eventful and productive year :-) I leave you with an inspirational cheezy video from my late teenage years/early 20s...

Frustrated, Incorporated

Today has so far been a write off for me. Well...not completely. There is one very good thing that has happened: I have decided that I'm done with wallowing. I am so frustrated with myself and sick of listening to myself whine and the stress of everything being the same overall is getting to be too much to bear. I need action. I need change. I need to kick my own ass and get the hell outta this slump because I'm not a fan of the boat I'm in. The clock is ticking. It has never stopped. And although I have taken steps in the right direction, I haven't followed through completely. The most recent in this series of steps includes making a comprehensive list of the schools in the Eastern District that are within reasonable distance from my home and which I could sub at, given the opportunity, and printing off 30 resumes to hand deliver to those schools (some of which I've already visited and some of which I haven't). However, I have so far only visited one (after a fiasco yesterday that involved nearly breaking my toe followed by getting stuck in the driveway for some time, which put me way behind my intended schedule). I also called Nova Central and left a message asking whether I would have to resubmit a complete application package were I to move home and get back on their sub list. They haven't gotten back to me yet...

Anyway, as I was saying, it's time to get stubborn and determined once again. Granted, being gentle and kind with yourself is sometimes necessary. And I did need that...along with patting myself on the back for the littlest accomplishments at times. But I made an important bleedingly obvious discovery today: much as I have talked about it, I haven't truly sat down and solidified what it is that I want for myself and how to go about getting it. I haven't fully realized what it means to put myself first or how to go about doing that, either. And I sabotage myself. I sit and think for a little while and then I get overwhelmed with the number of options before me and the lack of surety about anything and back burner everything again without coming to any concrete conclusions or taking action and so I am no further ahead. Rather than risk making the wrong decision or taking the wrong path, I stall. But I need to clarify my goals in order to figure out my direction. And I need to focus my energy more efficiently and productively than I have been in order to reach those goals.

So, I will forgive myself for the fact that I didn't have it in me to go out with a cold and shovel myself out of my apartment and my driveway today in order to hit some schools on my list. And I will try not to be too bummed that the guy I've been looking forward to seeing tonight cancelled on me and will be flying overseas for a family thing and I won't get to spend time with him until he gets back. But I will also think seriously about my future. I will look at my options closely and I will truly weigh the pros and cons. No one can do this but me. And if I want to be self-sufficient again (which I very much do) I have to put a plan into motion ASAP.

There is one more thing I will do...I will ask you if there is any advice or experience you would like to share as to how you came to discover your own path in life. Sometimes the most random tidbits set off a series of thoughts and events that take us places we could never have imagined...perhaps you could prove to be my catalyst :-)

Getting Back Up

If you have been following this blog at all, you already know that it has been a rather rough year for me so far. Granted, everyone has their ups and downs, but I sort of feel like I've been mostly down and often kicked over the past 12 months. I am happy to say that I am now entering a period of renewed strength, determination, action, and optimism. It feels good. It is still a bumpy road and there are still obstacles in my path and decisions that are screaming at me to be made, but I am resilient - a fighter and a survivor, despite being such a whiner sometimes. Let's face it...there are a lot worse things I could have gone through than what I have. However, that is cold comfort when you are the person who is feeling lost and whose life is in utter upheaval.

Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.

In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.

I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...

And so I leave you with:



(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)