Successes and Misses

Today my body is exhausted. I looked at the calendar and realized that I have been getting some form of decent exercise almost every day. I rock. I am also very pleased to report that I checked up on my (measurable) progress yesterday and I am down 7 lbs in total since the 3rd and have lost 3 inches; 2 on my waist and 1 on my hips. Yay me! Boyfriend is down 6.6 lbs and 2 inches off his waist. I'm very proud of him, as well :)

When I awoke, however, I found myself down in the dumps. You see, I auditioned for a couple of plays in the spring and, after a callback for one production, have not heard anything from either company. It makes me sad. It makes me question whether I am "good enough," and it reminds me of how much I miss the stage and all the people I only tend to see when I am involved in a production. It is truly a whole different atmosphere. I try to tell myself that it's probably for the best and will allow me extra time to focus on work/job/career-related things that need focusing on, and in part that is true, but there is also a part of my soul that weeps for the missed opportunities. I am hoping I will at least find a way to finance my choir membership this year and be able to keep that as a part of my weekly routine (and I use the term 'routine' loosely. Actually, creating a routine is kinda one of my goals!).

Oh! And I almost forgot!! I had my last cigarette back in October! Woohoo!!! :)

Anyhow, productivity calls!

Last Night

I went out with some cast mates last night. We had a couple of drinks. I let my theatre crush be known. We kissed. We talked. I don't think he is the person I thought he might be. Just another disappointing discovery. But it's OK. At least it only took me a couple of hours to figure out this time. Besides, work has picked up over the last few weeks, and NYC looms on the horizon, followed by a choir performance, and a summer that may either be spent partially in Quebec or acting locally. Life is good.

A Life Worth Living

I am a big believer in the littlest things sometimes having the biggest impact. Case in point: I went to an audition today. I was feeling kinda blah and had trouble finding the place. I was also nervous and unsure of myself. I'm still kinda new at all this, ya know...Anyway, the lady who took my picture before I went into the room to do my thing did the simplest thing and had the hugest impact on my state of mind: she complimented me. I asked her if she would like me to smile or not...she said it was up to me. I pasted one on, hoping maybe it might lighten my mood. She said it was a lovely smile. It became a genuine smile. And she responded, "Wow. That's even more lovely. You get lovelier and lovelier, the longer you stand there." Thank you, picture-taking lady. You made my day :-)

After my audition, the director said that my reading had felt honest; that she had gotten the sense that we were at Tim Horton's having a chat and I was telling her about some asshole who had screwed me over... I hope that is a good thing!

Quickie

In a nutshell:

Smoking cessation has become a process more so than a single event. I'm still battling the occasional slip up, but I'm getting there.

Weight loss came to a standstill, but I am seeing positive changes in my body. I am continuing to be active and I am loving it.

Rehearsals are clipping along in theatre and choir and I am a busy, busy bee. I am working with a fantastic set of individuals in both groups and my theatre crush makes things interesting as well. I am loving it! Work has picked up as well and I could not be happier about that. Apparently I have been making good impressions professionally and they are being noticed.

I can't believe it is almost time to go to NYC. I haven't done anything to prepare yet except book my flight. It may be time to start. Exciting!!

One of the former key players in my life has been MIA for a while now. It's an adjustment. I'm not quite sure what to make of it or how I feel about it sometimes. I'm also not sure if the absence is permanent or whether there will just be a change in our roles in future.

I have been getting out more and doing more diverse things socially and meeting new people. It is so refreshing. Again, I am loving it.

I met the first new guy in months tonight. We chatted for a few hours. He seems alright. I don't know if I'll see him again and I don't really care either way at this point. I am supposed to be meeting another new guy tomorrow night. I'm a little more excited about that. We shall see how it goes.

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

The Balance

3 weeks. That is how long it has been since my last post; since I have written anything other than lists, texts, and the odd email. Too long. My world was exploding with activity and it has now come to a momentary standstill. I was calm...happy...invigorated. That is now interspersed with anxiety, confusion, and doubt. Anyway, here's the rundown of updates:

Smoking - it's been over a month with the odd slip here and there...which means a cig or two once a week or two when I am in the company of smokers. I'm not going to beat myself up too much because it is a process and I have made progress from smoking regularly. However, I am still not proud of it and looking forward to being stronger in the near future.

Weight loss - back on the wagon and making an effort to drink more water, make better food choices, and get more exercise. I have been going to various classes (from kick boxing to hot yoga) with a couple of different friends, as well as walking, doing in home workouts and working out with my brother from time to time...whatever I can fit in and whenever I can fit it in with a goal of at least 4 sessions a week. So far, I am down 1.5 lbs. Myfitnesspal has been helping. I downloaded the iPhone app and added a friend who has also been using it. (Side note: I am shocked at how much sugar I actually consume!! :s ).

Work - meh. Up and down. Hard to say. I've gotten calls from 4 different schools so far since the holidays and been to 3 of them. Calls are not regular or consistent and I'm currently in what feels like a slump period. I am hoping it picks back up soon (although I've been pretty sick for the past week or so, so it's probably best I haven't gotten a call in the past few days so that I have a chance to recuperate). I am also in the midst of trying to figure out a path of professional growth to pursue.

Dating - nonexistent. I decided the guy I was dating was not the right one for me and ended it. We still talk and I am glad of that. I still have contact with the guy who wanted back into my life as well, but I haven't been really entertaining the idea of giving him another chance. And the guy who was in NS contacted me to let me know he will be moving back here in the spring. For now, I am content to just be solo and concentrate on me.

Friendships - currently mending fences with the friend I let go last year. We are both in different places now and it seems to be flowing more smoothly so far. However, it's still early in the game. I have also reconnected with a few friends who, sadly, got back burnered due to life in general. And I am having difficulty dealing with the friendship I referred to in this post recently. It is that which is causing me anxiety right now. I had my eyes opened in a big way through a series of events and realized that this was not a healthy relationship for me to be in...and it is a complicated situation. Now I am trying to figure out how to move forward and change the relationship...but it is not easy after over a decade of established habits and routines. Only time will tell what will happen, but I really don't want to go back to the way things were. I can't.

Theatre and choir - the dual loves of my life. I haven't had/been to as many rehearsals in the past couple of weeks and I miss them dearly when they are not there/I am too sick to attend. They keep me busy, they make me happy, they allow me to escape, and they are food to my soul.

Other than that, my family continues to be loving and supportive, and the remainder of my friends continue to be a source of comfort and joy and I treasure each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life. And I am trying to take more control of my finances again and also want to find more time to write and keep on top of taking care of myself and my apartment. Time management was never my strong suit...it seems like something always gets sacrificed and falls behind...

Yes, I have come leaps and bounds in this new year...now...how do I keep it up and make it all balance?

Score!

The play I auditioned for? I got offered the lead female role. The choir audition I went to tonight? Success. Very much. And I am now their newest member. I also worked yesterday and today. Yep, all in all it's good to be me right now. So much so that I can grin and bear the burning discomfort I am experiencing right now due to an allergic reaction to a new facial moisturizer I decided to try (which had rave reviews online...but apparently not everyone needs to live in a bubble like me).

Good Vibes

It started off on the wrong foot, this day. Yet I managed to wrestle it back to the light. I woke at 7:30 and stayed awake til 9, waiting for the phone to ring. With each minute that passed I sunk further into depression, until I finally said the hell with it and buried myself under the covers and slept til 11ish. At that point, I forced myself to unwind from my self-made cocoon and set about trying to drum up some work. Then Karma stepped in. 

I checked facebook and a note appeared on my wall before my eyes. It was from my mother, and directed me to a place to try bringing my resume. So I did. And attempted to go to another place as well...I got lost, and when I finally made it there it was to be told there was a meeting in progress. I waited 45 minutes and my patience was rewarded. I got to meet face to face with a lady who said she normally doesn't do that...but when she was told how long I had been there she thought it was the least she could do. I should probably mention that en route to my second stop, I also received a call for an interview that I was not expecting...in fact, I had enquired about this interview and was told I was not eligible to be interviewed until next year. Yet the lady who called me said she was given my name and number and that if I was interested I could come in on the 27th. I, of course, accepted...confused as I was. 

Later this evening, I decided to go to an audition. I was kind of nervous and wasn't really sure what to expect. I walked in, filled out my information sheet, and grabbed the 5 sides for female characters laying on the table outside the audition room. With papers in hand, I took my turn and started doing the cold reads. I was told after completing the first 2 that I could stop. They did not need to hear any more. I was a little uncertain, but then I started to pay attention: their reactions were incredible - they loved me! I was thrilled with their applause and their assurances that I would definitely be hearing from them. In fact, I called my mother the second I was outside the building, shaking with excitement. I cannot believe I may FINALLY have a chance to get back on stage. My heart sang and my cheeks hurt from the perma-grin on my face. 

To top it all off, I also got a response from a local choir I had been trying to get in contact with for a while now and the director is interested in meeting me and having me sing for her. Thank you, Universe. Thank you, thank you, thank you. My soul has been needing this so much. 

Needless to say, when the cashier at the gas station asked if I needed a lotto ticket for tonight, I went ahead and bought my first one ever. 

And Day 10 of January Quit 2 has been successfully conquered. Popcorn, brownies, and pink lemonade to celebrate? I do believe so :)

Boredom Reigns

How is that possible, you ask? Well I am a notorious procrastinator in certain situations (but in my defence, I usually get shit done when it comes to the crunch and I never let things slide that will have a majorly negative impact on myself or those around me. My bills are always paid on time and all that jazz). Hence, although there are a million boxes waiting to be unpacked, the thought of tackling them is totally unappealing. I did put in a bunch of hours in my parents basement today doing just that, however, followed by an overdue yoga session and a nice, hot bath.

...And then night came...all motivation fled and I have been bored stiff ever since about 7pm or so. Sigh...

Add to that that tonight is opening night for the play I had to back out of in BC and I'm actually pretty bummed to be sitting here and not having a blast on the stage. Oh, fellow thespians, break a leg in my honour this eve! Would that I could be there with you! (Note to self: MUST get settled and search out theatrical pursuits ASAP).

Ah well, c'est la vie I guess. I will just put my frustrations out there in cyberspace and hope tomorrow is a better day...

Theatre, Choir, and Republic of Doyle

Just a quick post before bed (so please forgive me if there are any errors or it otherwise doesn't read well)...

Updates on my life: I found out yesterday that I have managed to land one of the more significant roles in the local theatre's upcoming production, and I went to the last choir rehearsal before our Olympic torch relay performance tonight.

Update on TV-land: I am happy to say that episode 4 hooked me within a couple of minutes and kept me interested until the end. Yay! They got it right! I thought there was an excellent dose of intensity and suspense in the mix tonight. Rose was great, I was glad to see (what felt like, at least) considerably less of Tinny (her appearances were an enhancement rather than a drawback for me this time...the whole less is more thing, I guess...), and I enjoyed seeing a little more of the constable's sassy side (although I wasn't a fan of what seemed to be a blatant come-on to Jake when she she asked him on the phone what he was willing to do to get a look at her files...that was taking it a smidge too far this early in the game for my taste). I must admit I was wondering for a bit where the pregnancy line was going...I wavered from buying that the test was Nikki's to speculating who else's it could have been (I briefly thought perhaps it may have been Tinny's). I'm glad the writer(s) decided not to make Jake a daddy right now, however I was not a fan of the very last few moments that ended the episode. I can't quite put my finger on what spoiled it for me at present, but something certainly did. My partner happened to comment that all the slang is going to confuse the rest of Canada, though (personally I think if might do them good to get a good dose of colourful speech to try and decipher), and I have to say that the split screen shots are annoying as crap. I'm not sure what the issue is, but every time they show one the volume goes wonky (or at least it does on our TV when we watch it).