On the dating front: Zilch. And I'm OK with that for now. Still soooo done with men for the time being. In fact, when my best friend suggested we peruse Plenty of Fish out of boredom the other night, I had absolutely no interest and told her as such (we watched Frasier and went for a drive instead). Yet my inner cynic is being slowly quieted by my inner romantic, which is starting to insist once again that 'he' is out there somewhere...as my mom put it, "It's just taking him a while to figure out where you are." Of course, the cynic is still doing battle at this point and being equally insistent at times that 'he' does not exist and that needs to be accepted. Time will tell, I suppose...In the meantime, I'm still a little disappointed and confused about the guy in Labrador. But there's been no contact on either side since last Tuesday and much as I am tempted to contact him from time to time, I really don't see the point anymore...for so many reasons...and that makes me so sad. I am working at distancing myself from that mentally and emotionally, though...it's just hard for me to let go of that feeling of connectedness once I find it with someone. I was pretty well his in my heart and my mind (and I know he was mine) and now I have to get back to being no one's but my own again - which is liberating and positive in a way but also crushing and depressing in another. It makes me feel, in turns, stronger, more determined, excited and independent than ever and more isolated, alone, and empty than ever. But I have zero desire right now to be with any man, much as I sometimes long for it. Something happened inside of me with this last incident and it changed things. Kinda 'turned my stomach,' if you will. I know it sounds insane - and I can't explain it - but I seriously felt more sure about him, without even having met him in person, than the guy I was with for 6 years...and then he was gone almost as quickly as he had planted himself in the fantasies of my future.
On the work front: It looks like I will be finishing out the year in Central during the week. I am hoping and praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I will get enough work to get me through and enough hours for EI in case I need to fall back on it, but the chances are slim at this point. Which means I have to start thinking about what I am going to do to try and keep myself afloat this summer. Seeing as I have never done anything but teach, I have no idea what that is going to be or what I would be suited for and able to cope with. Nor do I have much idea what most jobs entail or what would be best my best options financially. The downfalls of a sheltered life, I suppose - a big lack of common knowledge.
And in other news: My stepfather found out today that he got the job he was hoping for...he told me if he did then his first bonus goes on my student loan since I helped him out with the interview questions. So, yay for him and yay for me :-)
Also, my best friend and I decided Sunday night to go let our hair down. It was epic. We were nineteen again for a few hours and we rocked it. SO needed that. And we have been laughing over the anecdotes that resulted from that night and the day of recovery that followed off and on all week. Priceless. Here's a little something that I'm not really sure what to make of, though - I actually did something out of character and drank more than I normally would have. I usually cut myself off as soon as I start to feel the effects of the alcohol, as I am not a fan of getting too intoxicated or of being sick. However, I let go and got drunk...and ran into the guy I was dating when I first came home, who has been in my life in some capacity or other since our chance meeting 12 years ago. Anyway, he insisted on making sure my friend and I got home alright and actually didn't try to take advantage of my drunken state to get down my pants (which kind of shocked me since he can be a bit of a pig sometimes and is famous for that when it comes to me, whether either of us is sober or under the influence). Anyway, I just found the whole thing interesting upon reflection. Perhaps he actually does still have feelings for me other than the sexual variety...but I think that ship has sailed on my end. He has been relegated to the 'friends only' category in my mind for quite some time now (which I have been upfront with him about)...but we have the oddest relationship I've ever had with a male. Still, it's comforting, somehow.
Showing posts with label freedom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label freedom. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
A Year of Singledom
While the 22nd of February marked a year of being single for me, tomorrow marks a year since I got on the plane to fly home. So I figured now is as good a time as any to sum up the events and accomplishments of re-learning how to be single, re-adjusting to life in Newfoundland, and growing and adapting in general. So, in no particular order, here they are:
1. I chose my own apartment for the first time and learned how to live alone for the first time
2. I picked out and purchased furniture for myself for the first time
3. I got comfortable driving in a city (albeit a small one) and on the highway solo
4. I started hiking and doing yoga again
5. I lost somewhere in the vicinity of 20-25 pounds
6. I started what I hope will eventually become a novel (which has been on the back burner for months and I should probably get back to at some point)
7. I dog sat and cat sat for the first time
8. I learned how to market myself better professionally and got better at meeting people personally and professionally
9. I gave it a shot with an old flame
10. I threw my hat into the online dating arena and met and dated a few different men
11. I busted a cheater
12. I started tutoring
13. I auditioned for and joined a new choir
14. I began volunteering on the local theatre scene
15. I made some new friends and made amends with or distanced myself from some old ones
16. I got used to being able to visit friends and family on the spur of the moment again, which is awesome
17. I played a background extra on Republic of Doyle, which was fun
18. I got reacquainted with George Street and was able to somewhat re-live the good ole days (but with better sense)
19. I re-learned how to play pool (and I'm still not very good at it)
20. I got used to shoveling myself out of my apartment and driveway
AND, most importantly:
I got smarter, stronger, and more confident in general, more attuned to myself and my senses, and my vision learned to see even more shades of grey between the black and the white. I also came to terms with the fact that I cannot save/rescue everyone else and that in order to function and be OK myself I have to create space, a buffer zone if you will, between myself and other people's problems sometimes...and that that doesn't mean I don't care and am not willing to listen and help in any way that I can, but that I can no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (figuratively speaking, of course), as I was always so apt to do.
Yup, all in all it's been a pretty eventful and productive year :-) I leave you with an inspirational cheezy video from my late teenage years/early 20s...
1. I chose my own apartment for the first time and learned how to live alone for the first time
2. I picked out and purchased furniture for myself for the first time
3. I got comfortable driving in a city (albeit a small one) and on the highway solo
4. I started hiking and doing yoga again
5. I lost somewhere in the vicinity of 20-25 pounds
6. I started what I hope will eventually become a novel (which has been on the back burner for months and I should probably get back to at some point)
7. I dog sat and cat sat for the first time
8. I learned how to market myself better professionally and got better at meeting people personally and professionally
9. I gave it a shot with an old flame
10. I threw my hat into the online dating arena and met and dated a few different men
11. I busted a cheater
12. I started tutoring
13. I auditioned for and joined a new choir
14. I began volunteering on the local theatre scene
15. I made some new friends and made amends with or distanced myself from some old ones
16. I got used to being able to visit friends and family on the spur of the moment again, which is awesome
17. I played a background extra on Republic of Doyle, which was fun
18. I got reacquainted with George Street and was able to somewhat re-live the good ole days (but with better sense)
19. I re-learned how to play pool (and I'm still not very good at it)
20. I got used to shoveling myself out of my apartment and driveway
AND, most importantly:
I got smarter, stronger, and more confident in general, more attuned to myself and my senses, and my vision learned to see even more shades of grey between the black and the white. I also came to terms with the fact that I cannot save/rescue everyone else and that in order to function and be OK myself I have to create space, a buffer zone if you will, between myself and other people's problems sometimes...and that that doesn't mean I don't care and am not willing to listen and help in any way that I can, but that I can no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (figuratively speaking, of course), as I was always so apt to do.
Yup, all in all it's been a pretty eventful and productive year :-) I leave you with an inspirational cheezy video from my late teenage years/early 20s...
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Easy Come, Easy Go
The good guy did, indeed, get spooked. We met for coffee and he fed me a line about not really having time for anyone right now and wanting to let me know that I can go ahead and explore my other options instead of waiting for something from him that may not be coming. Oh boy. Where to start? First off, while that may be plausible, he was making all kinds of time to try and see me so I know I scared him and that's what spurred this. Secondly, he did go about it in a very mature, considerate, and admirable way and I respect and appreciate that. And thirdly, whoeverl said I was going to stop being open to meeting other people while waiting around for something from him? I think I've already learned my lesson there tenfold!
I'm also glad to report that my resiliency has apparently been heightened much more than I realized...I'm pretty much over the whole thing with the cheater already. I let myself have a little cry about it over the weekend, but that was it. There was a time when I would have been crushed over this forevermore. It's so good to know that I'm getting a little smarter and a little stronger every day. Granted, there are still aspects of the whole situation that I wonder about but I know that all I'm really required to understand is that he is a deceitful jerk. I wasn't the first, I won't be the last, and I can't look out for his girlfriend. I did my part by giving her the information. What she decided to do with it is her concern. He doesn't get to play me anymore, and that is what matters. I did decide to send him one very concise message and say what I needed to say to him, though. There were no questions or accusations and I didn't call him names or rant about how angry I was or how much he'd hurt me or anything of that sort - what would be the point? He doesn't care about any of that, anyway, and I'm not about being immature, wasting energy, or giving him power over me. But I found a way to get myself some closure by speaking to him on a level that he will hear and understand.
In the meantime, it also didn't take long for new prospects to pop up and take the place of those now stricken from my list of potential dates. It's amusing, really, when you look at it. I got an email out of the blue from a guy I haven't heard from in weeks, inviting me to dinner this past weekend...or was it the weekend before? Have I mentioned this already? Anyway, I declined...but I'm wondering what I have to lose by actually taking him up on it. You never know, right? I also got a facebook message from another guy I haven't heard from in forever...his story is a little different though. We had been chatting for a bit but hadn't actually met when he got himself a girlfriend...they broke up recently and now I'm looking like a good candidate for a rebound, I suppose. After all, we've already been in contact so that lessens the work required, right? There is also a new 26 year old (seems to be a popular age these days) who contacted me on the dating site (well, there have been others as well, but he is in the lead so far by way of being able to compose actual sentences complete with proper spelling and punctuation. The grammar I can forgive somewhat, as I take liberties with it myself from time to time). It's nice that he seems very forthcoming with information about himself so far, but at the same time, his messages are all about offering detailed information I haven't requested and not really asking much about me. Hmm...
On another note, yesterday I felt a euphoria I haven't experienced in some time and it was awesome. The littlest things sometimes make all the difference to a day, I have to say. This was initiated first by running into my best friend unexpectedly after a brutally exhausting day teaching a particularly demanding primary class. I then came home, checked my phone, and got voicemail from an assistant principal who was looking to book me for Thursday and Friday. And in those moments, I was just so incredibly happy and thankful. The sun was shining and I got in my car and drove across town with the biggest beaming smile on my face, revelling in the freedom and lightness I was experiencing inside...and it wasn't only work, money, and friendship related.
At the risk of rambling and coming across as a total crackpot, I will attempt to describe and explain:
I started reflecting on recent events and it seemed to me that the universe has, indeed, decided to start aligning things in my path. A friend of mine has been telling me for months that I am going places and I actually do feel that in my soul and in my bones from time to time. Yesterday it was strong...it felt as though the things I want are getting closer to my reach. That I am on the right path. That I have been making the right choices and have finally solidified myself, in a sense. I know who I am and I embrace it...all of me, not just pieces. In fact, I love me and I'm very proud of me. I am more myself than I have ever been and that has taken a lifetime to accomplish. I cannot begin to tell you how far I've come from being the shy, nervous, scared, insecure girl with zero confidence that I was...gullible, naive, unable to look in the mirror, afraid to stand up for herself...to the woman I am today. It's been quite a transformation and it was a very long and bumpy road, but it is SO GOOD to finally be here with so much more strength and awareness and self-worth. I actually felt yesterday that I was being rewarded for finally being true to myself...for opening, seeing, appreciating, learning, growing, and taking action in my life in so many ways after being somehow stagnant for what felt like an eternity. For being able to take a hit, deal with it quickly and effectively in a way that I'm satisfied with, and let go. For doing the right thing. And I have to admit, it also felt damned liberating and uplifting - refreshing! - to realize that I wasn't stewing or pining or even really genuinely INTERESTED in any man right now. Yep...I'm definitely getting there!
I'm also glad to report that my resiliency has apparently been heightened much more than I realized...I'm pretty much over the whole thing with the cheater already. I let myself have a little cry about it over the weekend, but that was it. There was a time when I would have been crushed over this forevermore. It's so good to know that I'm getting a little smarter and a little stronger every day. Granted, there are still aspects of the whole situation that I wonder about but I know that all I'm really required to understand is that he is a deceitful jerk. I wasn't the first, I won't be the last, and I can't look out for his girlfriend. I did my part by giving her the information. What she decided to do with it is her concern. He doesn't get to play me anymore, and that is what matters. I did decide to send him one very concise message and say what I needed to say to him, though. There were no questions or accusations and I didn't call him names or rant about how angry I was or how much he'd hurt me or anything of that sort - what would be the point? He doesn't care about any of that, anyway, and I'm not about being immature, wasting energy, or giving him power over me. But I found a way to get myself some closure by speaking to him on a level that he will hear and understand.
In the meantime, it also didn't take long for new prospects to pop up and take the place of those now stricken from my list of potential dates. It's amusing, really, when you look at it. I got an email out of the blue from a guy I haven't heard from in weeks, inviting me to dinner this past weekend...or was it the weekend before? Have I mentioned this already? Anyway, I declined...but I'm wondering what I have to lose by actually taking him up on it. You never know, right? I also got a facebook message from another guy I haven't heard from in forever...his story is a little different though. We had been chatting for a bit but hadn't actually met when he got himself a girlfriend...they broke up recently and now I'm looking like a good candidate for a rebound, I suppose. After all, we've already been in contact so that lessens the work required, right? There is also a new 26 year old (seems to be a popular age these days) who contacted me on the dating site (well, there have been others as well, but he is in the lead so far by way of being able to compose actual sentences complete with proper spelling and punctuation. The grammar I can forgive somewhat, as I take liberties with it myself from time to time). It's nice that he seems very forthcoming with information about himself so far, but at the same time, his messages are all about offering detailed information I haven't requested and not really asking much about me. Hmm...
On another note, yesterday I felt a euphoria I haven't experienced in some time and it was awesome. The littlest things sometimes make all the difference to a day, I have to say. This was initiated first by running into my best friend unexpectedly after a brutally exhausting day teaching a particularly demanding primary class. I then came home, checked my phone, and got voicemail from an assistant principal who was looking to book me for Thursday and Friday. And in those moments, I was just so incredibly happy and thankful. The sun was shining and I got in my car and drove across town with the biggest beaming smile on my face, revelling in the freedom and lightness I was experiencing inside...and it wasn't only work, money, and friendship related.
At the risk of rambling and coming across as a total crackpot, I will attempt to describe and explain:
I started reflecting on recent events and it seemed to me that the universe has, indeed, decided to start aligning things in my path. A friend of mine has been telling me for months that I am going places and I actually do feel that in my soul and in my bones from time to time. Yesterday it was strong...it felt as though the things I want are getting closer to my reach. That I am on the right path. That I have been making the right choices and have finally solidified myself, in a sense. I know who I am and I embrace it...all of me, not just pieces. In fact, I love me and I'm very proud of me. I am more myself than I have ever been and that has taken a lifetime to accomplish. I cannot begin to tell you how far I've come from being the shy, nervous, scared, insecure girl with zero confidence that I was...gullible, naive, unable to look in the mirror, afraid to stand up for herself...to the woman I am today. It's been quite a transformation and it was a very long and bumpy road, but it is SO GOOD to finally be here with so much more strength and awareness and self-worth. I actually felt yesterday that I was being rewarded for finally being true to myself...for opening, seeing, appreciating, learning, growing, and taking action in my life in so many ways after being somehow stagnant for what felt like an eternity. For being able to take a hit, deal with it quickly and effectively in a way that I'm satisfied with, and let go. For doing the right thing. And I have to admit, it also felt damned liberating and uplifting - refreshing! - to realize that I wasn't stewing or pining or even really genuinely INTERESTED in any man right now. Yep...I'm definitely getting there!
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
The Revolutionary Wave
As I was sitting on my couch this afternoon watching Just For Laughs and reading about current developments in Libya (a somewhat ludicrous contrast, I know), it hit me anew how lucky I am to live in a country where relative safety, democracy and liberation are inherent to society. I know it was not always that way, but I'm pretty sure the situation also never exactly paralleled the one facing many Northern Africans and Middle Easterners recently. I have been blessed enough to be born in a time and place where these things were fought for and established before I came along. I am so thankful for that. At the same time, it is so mind blowing to live in a world where people are still fighting for those things. To hear about and watch their battle really puts a lot of things in perspective for me. I really hope they all succeed in rendering the changes they desire without too much bloodshed...
Monday, December 6, 2010
Getting Back Up
If you have been following this blog at all, you already know that it has been a rather rough year for me so far. Granted, everyone has their ups and downs, but I sort of feel like I've been mostly down and often kicked over the past 12 months. I am happy to say that I am now entering a period of renewed strength, determination, action, and optimism. It feels good. It is still a bumpy road and there are still obstacles in my path and decisions that are screaming at me to be made, but I am resilient - a fighter and a survivor, despite being such a whiner sometimes. Let's face it...there are a lot worse things I could have gone through than what I have. However, that is cold comfort when you are the person who is feeling lost and whose life is in utter upheaval.
Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.
In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.
I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...
And so I leave you with:
(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)
Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.
In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.
I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...
And so I leave you with:
(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
12 Reasons Living Solo Rocks
In random order:
1. You can prance around naked or in your undies whenever you want and for as long as you want without being questioned.
2. Your mess is your own.
3. When you clean up, it stays that way unless you mess it up.
4. There are no disagreements over bathroom time or storage space.
5. Things stay where you put them instead of magically disappearing and reappearing elsewhere.
6. There is no need to consider anyone else's preferences at meal time - make whatever you like and eat it whenever and wherever you like.
7. There are no clashes in taste or opinion when decorating your space.
8. You can sing as much and as loud as you'd like and dance around like a crazy lady with no one the wiser.
9. You can workout without negotiating for the space.
10. There are no annoying video game noises in the background at any time unless you want them to be.
11. The remote control, phone and computer are under your sole control.
12. You can get up and go to bed whenever you want without worrying about or being bothered by someone else.
1. You can prance around naked or in your undies whenever you want and for as long as you want without being questioned.
2. Your mess is your own.
3. When you clean up, it stays that way unless you mess it up.
4. There are no disagreements over bathroom time or storage space.
5. Things stay where you put them instead of magically disappearing and reappearing elsewhere.
6. There is no need to consider anyone else's preferences at meal time - make whatever you like and eat it whenever and wherever you like.
7. There are no clashes in taste or opinion when decorating your space.
8. You can sing as much and as loud as you'd like and dance around like a crazy lady with no one the wiser.
9. You can workout without negotiating for the space.
10. There are no annoying video game noises in the background at any time unless you want them to be.
11. The remote control, phone and computer are under your sole control.
12. You can get up and go to bed whenever you want without worrying about or being bothered by someone else.
Friday, October 16, 2009
Scent Sensitive
I am currently suffering from yet another one of the sinus infections that have plagued me since moving to my current location. Did I ever have them before coming west? Yes. Yes I did. Did I have them as often or to such a bad degree? By and large, no - I did not. What appears to be the culprit? Well, as far as I can tell they are mostly due to the repeated exacerbation of my allergies, which creates an overload on my immune system and in turn results in one of these nasty little episodes. I won't bother grossing you out with the details, but suffice it to say it ain't pretty and it ain't fun.
On the surface, I suppose I could blame some of these symptoms on my exposure to the daily allergens I come in contact with...namely, "western trees and grasses (whatever that is supposed to encompass), dust, and mold." However, pollen levels vary and dust and mold are not ever-present in levels that would cause my body to go into meltdown mode. Perhaps if I was under stress at the time my immune system would be compromised that could be a contributing factor...And I have also blamed the air quality in my present locale, as it is definitely not the stuff of pristine wilderness.
But I am inside this body and have realized that it reacts rather strongly and rather quickly to a multitude of scents...specifically, the chemicals used to create those scents. I am not sure if I am becoming more sensitive as I get older or if I am just subjected to more irritants out here than I was back home and my system can't handle it anymore. Either way, it can be hellish.
It can happen anywhere, at any time. Much as I practice making decisions to protect myself in my immediate surroundings (i.e. at home or in my specific work environment to the best of my ability), I cannot control what I come into contact with during any given day. It is extremely frustrating. I have had to change seats during plays, leave movie theatres frantically searching for my inhaler (yeah I have asthma, too, which is also sometimes affected), run out of stores gasping for air, and avoid certain cashiers when I shop for groceries, among countless other inconveniences. And much of a nuisance as that is, and as embarrassing as it is for me to have to go to those measures for my own comfort and safety, I can somewhat understand. Obviously in our society I will never be free of every dangerous and allergy-inducing chemical known to man.
What I can't understand is having to deal with it in the workplace...which I do, on a continual basis. To my knowledge, quite a few work places back on The Rock have become scent free in recent years. I was under the impression that this was the case nationwide. Not so. At my last job, I questioned the scent policy and was told that it was the decision of each particular workforce to decide whether or not their building was scent free in this area and that, while my boss sympathized with my situation, he was not inclined to implement a policy for all employees as a solution (which left me feeling rather slighted in comparison to those with peanut or other allergies, which are taken more seriously - and yes, I do realize that some of those are life threatening. However, asthma can be too and while I am not afflicted with a condition that severe, who is to say there aren't others who are? And while I am on this side rant, if the airlines can stop serving peanuts then why can't they restrict passengers' use of scent? Isn't it the same premise? Prevent anaphylactic shock vs. prevent potentially life threatening asthma attack...I dunno, seems rational to me...). Alas, I had no other option but to single myself out as the lone shit disturber and start bringing it up at meetings and requesting some changes on my own (with my employer's support).
I resorted to this after being forced to take countless sick days due to my encounters with people, products, and objects of the scented variety while at work. And was it effective? No, ladies and gentlemen, it was not. While there was, eventually, some effort put into limiting workplace scents for my benefit (not to mention everyone elses, whether they realized it or not) by certain individuals, I was also promoted to the position of scratch and sniff lady, expected to test and pass judgment on their chosen scents. I'm sure they meant well, but seriously, what an awkward position to be put in and a surefire way to make myself a bigger target - and sick, to boot.
Now I am in a casual position which requires me to work in a few different buildings - and guess what? Most of them are not scent free either. Which means I am breathing in a different set of floating chemical cocktails from cleaners and personal care products all day long nearly every day, with no control over or protection from what I am exposed to. It's becoming quite annoying as well, because I can usually feel within a few minutes (sometimes less if I experience a more violent reaction) whether or not I'm going to be OK in a given place. But, like anyone else, when I am scheduled to be somewhere for the day, I have no choice but to stay there and work it, regardless of my condition (unless of course, God forbid, I am unfortunate enough one day to have to be hospitalized or something I suppose).
Some days are great. Nothing triggers me and I am fine from the time I arrive until I get home. Most days, I come into contact with something somewhere that irritates my respiratory system in some way, shape or form, makes me nauseous, gives me a headache, or any other of a host of negative reactions. If I am lucky, it will be something that I can limit my exposure to, choosing to avoid it for the majority of the day, and hopefully not feel its effects too badly. If I am not, I usually suffer in silence for fear of injuring someones feelings, causing a scene, embarrassing myself, etc, etc, etc. And after a few of those days of becoming more and more impaired, my body hits full rebel mode and I am no longer a fully functioning human being capable of living my life normally and getting through the work day.
Like I said, I get it that I am probably going to be confronted with this every day for the rest of my life, but I am hoping it will lessen with time - perhaps society will change for the better, perhaps I will eventually build up an immunity, or whatever else would improve the situation. In the meantime, I can't help comparing the whole thing to the ongoing fight between smokers and non-smokers...Individuals have the right to choose whether or not they use/wear certain products and fragrances, just like individuals have the right to choose whether or not they smoke. The difference is, non-smokers have recognized rights and are winning the battle to keep themselves free from pollutants (i.e. second-hand smoke generated from smokers).
Smokers cannot smoke in or around public buildings, workplaces, or even in their own vehicle if they have child passengers...but as a person who is sensitive to scents and chemicals, I have no recourse much of the time. For the most part, there are no widespread laws governing the use of fragrance. It is everywhere...public washrooms, laundromats, theatres, restaurants.....While I don't think it is a crime to want to smell good nor do I wish to implement a worldwide ban, I think it would be nice to promote increased awareness and consideration at the very least. It might also be nice to put some more pressure on the industry responsible for creating these monstrosities and forcing them to adhere to more strict regulations...I bet a lot of people would be surprised to know that there are ingredients used in personal care products and cleaners in North America that have been banned in Europe....
I have to insert here that I do, obviously, have close connections (friends, relatives, coworkers) that utilize their free will to employ scented products and that's fine by me as long as I am not around. And God love 'em, they do make changes to their regular routines to accommodate my extreme sensitivity, which I absolutely do sincerely appreciate. Words cannot express how grateful I am for that - truly. I guess it's different when it's someone you know well, eh? Although you would think common courtesy would dictate better treatment to anyone -stranger or no...Anyway, I digress...the point is there ARE safer/less toxic alternatives out there and -seriously -clean, fresh, and well groomed does not have to equal slathered in chemicals (although there are chemical laden scent free options on the market, too if you prefer). There are so many natural products on the market nowadays - both scented and non - and a lot of simple, tried and true solutions as close as your kitchen when it comes to cleaning. Of course, what you choose to use in your own space is completely up to you and all the power to you to do as you please. However, bear in mind that there are many people out there who suffer as I do and I think we deserve the freedom to breathe easily and free of pollutants (i.e. airborne fragrance particles)just as much as everyone else when we are out in public, wouldn't you agree?
On the surface, I suppose I could blame some of these symptoms on my exposure to the daily allergens I come in contact with...namely, "western trees and grasses (whatever that is supposed to encompass), dust, and mold." However, pollen levels vary and dust and mold are not ever-present in levels that would cause my body to go into meltdown mode. Perhaps if I was under stress at the time my immune system would be compromised that could be a contributing factor...And I have also blamed the air quality in my present locale, as it is definitely not the stuff of pristine wilderness.
But I am inside this body and have realized that it reacts rather strongly and rather quickly to a multitude of scents...specifically, the chemicals used to create those scents. I am not sure if I am becoming more sensitive as I get older or if I am just subjected to more irritants out here than I was back home and my system can't handle it anymore. Either way, it can be hellish.
It can happen anywhere, at any time. Much as I practice making decisions to protect myself in my immediate surroundings (i.e. at home or in my specific work environment to the best of my ability), I cannot control what I come into contact with during any given day. It is extremely frustrating. I have had to change seats during plays, leave movie theatres frantically searching for my inhaler (yeah I have asthma, too, which is also sometimes affected), run out of stores gasping for air, and avoid certain cashiers when I shop for groceries, among countless other inconveniences. And much of a nuisance as that is, and as embarrassing as it is for me to have to go to those measures for my own comfort and safety, I can somewhat understand. Obviously in our society I will never be free of every dangerous and allergy-inducing chemical known to man.
What I can't understand is having to deal with it in the workplace...which I do, on a continual basis. To my knowledge, quite a few work places back on The Rock have become scent free in recent years. I was under the impression that this was the case nationwide. Not so. At my last job, I questioned the scent policy and was told that it was the decision of each particular workforce to decide whether or not their building was scent free in this area and that, while my boss sympathized with my situation, he was not inclined to implement a policy for all employees as a solution (which left me feeling rather slighted in comparison to those with peanut or other allergies, which are taken more seriously - and yes, I do realize that some of those are life threatening. However, asthma can be too and while I am not afflicted with a condition that severe, who is to say there aren't others who are? And while I am on this side rant, if the airlines can stop serving peanuts then why can't they restrict passengers' use of scent? Isn't it the same premise? Prevent anaphylactic shock vs. prevent potentially life threatening asthma attack...I dunno, seems rational to me...). Alas, I had no other option but to single myself out as the lone shit disturber and start bringing it up at meetings and requesting some changes on my own (with my employer's support).
I resorted to this after being forced to take countless sick days due to my encounters with people, products, and objects of the scented variety while at work. And was it effective? No, ladies and gentlemen, it was not. While there was, eventually, some effort put into limiting workplace scents for my benefit (not to mention everyone elses, whether they realized it or not) by certain individuals, I was also promoted to the position of scratch and sniff lady, expected to test and pass judgment on their chosen scents. I'm sure they meant well, but seriously, what an awkward position to be put in and a surefire way to make myself a bigger target - and sick, to boot.
Now I am in a casual position which requires me to work in a few different buildings - and guess what? Most of them are not scent free either. Which means I am breathing in a different set of floating chemical cocktails from cleaners and personal care products all day long nearly every day, with no control over or protection from what I am exposed to. It's becoming quite annoying as well, because I can usually feel within a few minutes (sometimes less if I experience a more violent reaction) whether or not I'm going to be OK in a given place. But, like anyone else, when I am scheduled to be somewhere for the day, I have no choice but to stay there and work it, regardless of my condition (unless of course, God forbid, I am unfortunate enough one day to have to be hospitalized or something I suppose).
Some days are great. Nothing triggers me and I am fine from the time I arrive until I get home. Most days, I come into contact with something somewhere that irritates my respiratory system in some way, shape or form, makes me nauseous, gives me a headache, or any other of a host of negative reactions. If I am lucky, it will be something that I can limit my exposure to, choosing to avoid it for the majority of the day, and hopefully not feel its effects too badly. If I am not, I usually suffer in silence for fear of injuring someones feelings, causing a scene, embarrassing myself, etc, etc, etc. And after a few of those days of becoming more and more impaired, my body hits full rebel mode and I am no longer a fully functioning human being capable of living my life normally and getting through the work day.
Like I said, I get it that I am probably going to be confronted with this every day for the rest of my life, but I am hoping it will lessen with time - perhaps society will change for the better, perhaps I will eventually build up an immunity, or whatever else would improve the situation. In the meantime, I can't help comparing the whole thing to the ongoing fight between smokers and non-smokers...Individuals have the right to choose whether or not they use/wear certain products and fragrances, just like individuals have the right to choose whether or not they smoke. The difference is, non-smokers have recognized rights and are winning the battle to keep themselves free from pollutants (i.e. second-hand smoke generated from smokers).
Smokers cannot smoke in or around public buildings, workplaces, or even in their own vehicle if they have child passengers...but as a person who is sensitive to scents and chemicals, I have no recourse much of the time. For the most part, there are no widespread laws governing the use of fragrance. It is everywhere...public washrooms, laundromats, theatres, restaurants.....While I don't think it is a crime to want to smell good nor do I wish to implement a worldwide ban, I think it would be nice to promote increased awareness and consideration at the very least. It might also be nice to put some more pressure on the industry responsible for creating these monstrosities and forcing them to adhere to more strict regulations...I bet a lot of people would be surprised to know that there are ingredients used in personal care products and cleaners in North America that have been banned in Europe....
I have to insert here that I do, obviously, have close connections (friends, relatives, coworkers) that utilize their free will to employ scented products and that's fine by me as long as I am not around. And God love 'em, they do make changes to their regular routines to accommodate my extreme sensitivity, which I absolutely do sincerely appreciate. Words cannot express how grateful I am for that - truly. I guess it's different when it's someone you know well, eh? Although you would think common courtesy would dictate better treatment to anyone -stranger or no...Anyway, I digress...the point is there ARE safer/less toxic alternatives out there and -seriously -clean, fresh, and well groomed does not have to equal slathered in chemicals (although there are chemical laden scent free options on the market, too if you prefer). There are so many natural products on the market nowadays - both scented and non - and a lot of simple, tried and true solutions as close as your kitchen when it comes to cleaning. Of course, what you choose to use in your own space is completely up to you and all the power to you to do as you please. However, bear in mind that there are many people out there who suffer as I do and I think we deserve the freedom to breathe easily and free of pollutants (i.e. airborne fragrance particles)just as much as everyone else when we are out in public, wouldn't you agree?
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Thankfulness
I have been at a loss recently as to what to write on here, but it seems almost obligatory to write something in relation to Thanksgiving. So, following, naturally, is a list of some of the things I am thankful for...
First of all, the usuals - which are too often taken for granted:
A roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, people who love me...and the fact that I am lucky/blessed enough to live in a society where freedom is a fact of life.
You see, when I began writing this post (it's been on hold for a couple of days and it is now currently the 14th...shhhhhh.....) I had just finished watching Afghan Star, a documentary detailing the experiences of a group of Afghans who attempted to create their own version of the popular Idol series that airs in many different countries. This film drove home for me yet again the circumstances in which so many people are forced to exist and I cannot imagine what it must be like to be unable to express yourself freely and display your talents without risking your life by doing so - literally. The contestants, and even the host, of Afghan Star were subjected to a wealth of repercussions for their behaviour, which was deemed by their fellow countrymen to be inappropriate and sinful. These negative consequences included death threats, eviction, stigmatization for their families, and the inability to return to their hometowns, amongst others. Some of the people involved in the TV production were actually forced to flee the country once religious leaders had determined that their actions were in violation of Islamic laws.
However, apparently self expression through various forms of art are not equally repulsive. According to random citizens polled in the streets, song and dance are judged separately...while some are of the opinion that they are both taboo, others say that "singing is fine - anyone can sing, " but for a contestant to dance or "move" on the stage is scandalous. It also lets the public know that they are "loose" and deserving of scorn.
Silly and pointless as many reality TV/contests are, I find it unfathomable that there are people in the world who have to live in fear for displaying their artistic talents. I mean, obviously I am aware of this alternate reality, but just thinking of the opposite ends of the spectrum from all the outrageous ways our society encourages (or at least tolerates/allows) self expression, in comparison to the restrictiveness of the current Afghan culture, which prohibits such - generally demure, in contrast (unless you include some of the more pornographic music videos aired daily) - actions as public singing and dancing, is hard for me to wrap my head around. Yes...I have lived a relatively sheltered life, and prior to my move out west, even more so...
So, I reiterate: in addition to being incredibly thankful that I live close enough to some extended family to have been able to visit them and sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together, I am also infinitely grateful that I have the freedom to express myself any way I choose and to practice any art form my little heart desires.
First of all, the usuals - which are too often taken for granted:
A roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, people who love me...and the fact that I am lucky/blessed enough to live in a society where freedom is a fact of life.
You see, when I began writing this post (it's been on hold for a couple of days and it is now currently the 14th...shhhhhh.....) I had just finished watching Afghan Star, a documentary detailing the experiences of a group of Afghans who attempted to create their own version of the popular Idol series that airs in many different countries. This film drove home for me yet again the circumstances in which so many people are forced to exist and I cannot imagine what it must be like to be unable to express yourself freely and display your talents without risking your life by doing so - literally. The contestants, and even the host, of Afghan Star were subjected to a wealth of repercussions for their behaviour, which was deemed by their fellow countrymen to be inappropriate and sinful. These negative consequences included death threats, eviction, stigmatization for their families, and the inability to return to their hometowns, amongst others. Some of the people involved in the TV production were actually forced to flee the country once religious leaders had determined that their actions were in violation of Islamic laws.
However, apparently self expression through various forms of art are not equally repulsive. According to random citizens polled in the streets, song and dance are judged separately...while some are of the opinion that they are both taboo, others say that "singing is fine - anyone can sing, " but for a contestant to dance or "move" on the stage is scandalous. It also lets the public know that they are "loose" and deserving of scorn.
Silly and pointless as many reality TV/contests are, I find it unfathomable that there are people in the world who have to live in fear for displaying their artistic talents. I mean, obviously I am aware of this alternate reality, but just thinking of the opposite ends of the spectrum from all the outrageous ways our society encourages (or at least tolerates/allows) self expression, in comparison to the restrictiveness of the current Afghan culture, which prohibits such - generally demure, in contrast (unless you include some of the more pornographic music videos aired daily) - actions as public singing and dancing, is hard for me to wrap my head around. Yes...I have lived a relatively sheltered life, and prior to my move out west, even more so...
So, I reiterate: in addition to being incredibly thankful that I live close enough to some extended family to have been able to visit them and sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together, I am also infinitely grateful that I have the freedom to express myself any way I choose and to practice any art form my little heart desires.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)