Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

Two Things

1. I think I may be finally ready to love again and I kinda miss being in love. I actually found myself feeling envious over pictures of a teenage romance posted on facebook yesterday...she looks stunningly beautiful and blissfully happy and he looks like he adores her more than anyone or anything he has ever encountered. He also made some of the cutest, warmest, most genuine comments ever underneath those pictures. It's so sweet. I hope it works out for them.

2. Probably one of the biggest and best, most freeing lessons I learned over the past year, summed up in a Jason Mraz song:

Poison

Toxicity does not even begin to describe it. Resentment has settled in. Another perfectly good day...no, wait...a downright wonderful day! A day in which I made an impact on a group of young people, resolved anew to always be myself and be true to myself, received a multitude of compliments, and got to have fun with new connections. Soured. How does one deal with the fallout after continuous cycles of episodes that all start and end the same way...with you. I had hoped not to have to make a black or white kind of decision, but more and more I feel I may be forced in that direction. And this time, I will choose me. In the meantime, I am up much later than I had wanted or intended and struggling to regain the sense of calm, happy contentment; indeed - utter bliss! - that carried me through the day and into the evening before it was worn down and tired out and finally stomped on before it could come to rest and be rejuvenated for the morrow. I am sure I will forgive you quickly, as I most often do. But the damage has also been done.

Monday Afternoon Mashup

On the work front:
I was starting to second guess myself and get really worried about my decision to come back to town last week...especially after talking to my mother and being told I'd missed a couple of calls for work. However, I ended up getting 2 1/2 days in here afterwards. That is a good start, considering. I also have an audition on Thursday. I haven't been to an audition in a while now. Could be interesting...

On the smoking front:
This is Day 8. I had one slip on Day 5 and smoked a cigarette. The whole time, I was analyzing my physical and psychological reaction to it. It was not nearly as enjoyable as I remembered, yet as soon as I was done the urge was there to have another one. I fought it. And now, according to Quitnet, I have NOT smoked 60 cigarettes (minus that one it doesn't know about...shhhh!). That sounds like a helluva lot, but in actuality I was not a heavy smoker. Crazy when you consider what numbers a pack-a-day smoker would be looking at at this point.

On the dating front:
I'm still spending time with the guy who started out as a friend. I had intended to just go with it and see where it led, but I realized that I was actually putting pressure on myself to figure out whether it was going anywhere or not. I'm more than a little gun-shy after all my previous experiences...I'm scared and I don't want to waste any time. And because he does seem like a decent guy, I want to be clear about my own intentions so as not to hurt him or use him to fill a void or lead him on in any way. There are other factors to consider, as well, and I am confused. I have been honest with him about all of that...and he is still here. So, I have decided to stop stressing about this. Really, it hasn't been that long since I started looking at him as more than a friend, and these things do take time. Perhaps it is more than a tad unrealistic to think that I would know right away whether or not I can see any long term potential with someone. After all, I have felt certain that other situations I've been in were going somewhere and I have been dead wrong. And, as I've said time and again, I'm actually not in any rush to jump into anything serious anyway. So why not just enjoy spending time with someone I care about, and who cares about me, and not worry about anything else for the time being?

In other news:
I have been continuing to work on reclaiming my space. I am also making it a priority to increase the amount of exercise I get and reconnect with people I've been neglecting. In theory, all those things should bring more fulfillment. Yay for 2012 and yay for me!

Day One Conquered

Since 6am when my eyes popped open, I have been obsessed with wanting to have a cigarette. There was a three hour reprieve when I was at work this morning, and the rest of the time I have been practically living on Quitnet. I thought I had the afternoon and evening covered, but my plans went out the window (through a series of events out of my control) and so did my cool, calm, collected self and my resolve to stay smoke-free. I felt irritated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, let down, not in control, and afraid. So afraid, in fact, that I couldn't trust myself to drive across town as my Plan B to see a friend or my brother and possibly go for a walk (which I thought would help me feel better) because I was certain I would cave and buy a pack of cigarettes the moment I went through the door with the high stress level and vulnerability I was experiencing.

I am not gonna lie, it was not pretty there for a while. I spent about three hours in an escalating state of panic and snotting and bawling like an emotional basket case. Which in turn made me feel like a pathetic weakling and I cried harder with the sense of impending failure and hatred of myself for not being stronger and more composed. I remember being emotional the first time I quit, but I didn't remember it hitting this intensely so soon in the quit. It also irked me that the friend who wanted to quit the least has been having the easiest time of it today.

Thankfully, I got myself to a chat room where supportive fellow quitters were ready and willing to get me through. They kept tabs on me, encouraged me, reassured me, checked on me, gave me their tips, tricks, and words of wisdom, made me laugh, consoled me, comforted me, soothed me, told me what I have been experiencing is normal...they commiserated with me, stayed with me, kept me with them, and helped me hang in there until I was strong enough to leave and they assured me that they would be there should I find myself needing them later. How wonderful is that? And so, eventually, I was able to take the Nicorette inhaler out of my mouth, where it had been hanging haphazardly and being chewed and puffed on intermittently, throw the wadded up ball of tissues in the trash can, clean up my blotched and tear stained face, and sign out.

The relief and excitement of making it into Day Two (which feels like a huge accomplishment at this point, I gotta say) combined with the humble gratitude for the help I was embarrassed to need but glad to receive allowed me to breathe a little easier and gave me renewed faith that I can do this. I made a list of reasons to keep my quit (which I plan to keep on hand and review frequently), I have plans to make a list of distractions for when the intense cravings hit again, and I have bookmarked more websites to explore.  Happily, my eyes are no longer puffy and bloodshot. My hope now is that I will be able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a little easier than today.

Anxiety

As previously noted, I had selected January 10th to be my quit smoking date. That has changed. I went out with my smoker friends tonight and it turns out they have also decided it is time. I'm not sure if that will make it easier or tougher. On the one hand, we will all be going through the same thing together...on the other, there is a risk that someone may not make it out alive with all the emotional upheaval caused by withdrawal. I remember those feelings well and am not looking forward to experiencing them again, but I know the payoff will be greater than the temporary discomfort.

Anyway, long story short, I decided to smoke what I had left and start the week without cigarettes (I actually find it more appealing to not stop mid-week for some reason, a fact that my inner addict was using to try and convince me to prolong the smoking until next Monday rather than stop on a Tuesday).

The problem is, I am working tomorrow morning for the first time in a while at a school I haven't been to in about a year and that makes me nervous. The thought of getting up and going there with no cigarette fix and leaving without having one afterwards is stressful for me right now. However, thanks to WiseWebWoman, who helpfully introduced me to Quitnet, I have had support off and on all day while trying to mentally prepare for this farewell. And a lot of those words of wisdom and encouragement from former smokers reminded me of something I had forgotten: the fear of quitting is often worse than quitting itself in some respects.

I just hope I can sleep tonight because I will be needing my rest for tomorrow...

Dear Santa

I know you couldn't leave what I want most under the tree, but I really hope you see fit to deliver it at some point this year. In fact, that would be very much appreciated.

Working On It

I have been trying to take realistic positive steps to improve my mood and my life in general. I'm happy to report that I've kept the cigarette quota to 5-6 for the past week or so and I've been making a concerted effort to slug back more H2O. I've also hit mom's new treadmill for the past two nights and tried to jog for at least half the time I was on there. I am working at eating more fruits and veggies and trying to curb the emotional junk food binges. I've been renewing the job searching efforts as well, and taking more time to read and write. Sleep is still a bit of an issue, but I figure I'm not doing too badly in the grand scheme of things...provided I can keep chipping away at all those things until I get to where I want to be.

Oh, and this is noteworthy: in further attempts to shake the black dog that's been hounding me, I also went in search of some funnies today. I added a list of those sites I deemed worthy of revisiting to my blog. Check 'em out if you need a laugh.

A Year of Singledom

While the 22nd of February marked a year of being single for me, tomorrow marks a year since I got on the plane to fly home. So I figured now is as good a time as any to sum up the events and accomplishments of re-learning how to be single, re-adjusting to life in Newfoundland, and growing and adapting in general. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. I chose my own apartment for the first time and learned how to live alone for the first time
2. I picked out and purchased furniture for myself for the first time
3. I got comfortable driving in a city (albeit a small one) and on the highway solo
4. I started hiking and doing yoga again
5. I lost somewhere in the vicinity of 20-25 pounds
6. I started what I hope will eventually become a novel (which has been on the back burner for months and I should probably get back to at some point)
7. I dog sat and cat sat for the first time
8. I learned how to market myself better professionally and got better at meeting people personally and professionally
9. I gave it a shot with an old flame
10. I threw my hat into the online dating arena and met and dated a few different men
11. I busted a cheater
12. I started tutoring
13. I auditioned for and joined a new choir
14. I began volunteering on the local theatre scene
15. I made some new friends and made amends with or distanced myself from some old ones
16. I got used to being able to visit friends and family on the spur of the moment again, which is awesome
17. I played a background extra on Republic of Doyle, which was fun
18. I got reacquainted with George Street and was able to somewhat re-live the good ole days (but with better sense)
19. I re-learned how to play pool (and I'm still not very good at it)
20. I got used to shoveling myself out of my apartment and driveway

AND, most importantly:

I got smarter, stronger, and more confident in general, more attuned to myself and my senses, and my vision learned to see even more shades of grey between the black and the white. I also came to terms with the fact that I cannot save/rescue everyone else and that in order to function and be OK myself I have to create space, a buffer zone if you will, between myself and other people's problems sometimes...and that that doesn't mean I don't care and am not willing to listen and help in any way that I can, but that I can no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (figuratively speaking, of course), as I was always so apt to do.

Yup, all in all it's been a pretty eventful and productive year :-) I leave you with an inspirational cheezy video from my late teenage years/early 20s...

The Revolutionary Wave

As I was sitting on my couch this afternoon watching Just For Laughs and reading about current developments in Libya (a somewhat ludicrous contrast, I know), it hit me anew how lucky I am to live in a country where relative safety, democracy and liberation are inherent to society. I know it was not always that way, but I'm pretty sure the situation also never exactly paralleled the one facing many Northern Africans and Middle Easterners recently. I have been blessed enough to be born in a time and place where these things were fought for and established before I came along. I am so thankful for that. At the same time, it is so mind blowing to live in a world where people are still fighting for those things. To hear about and watch their battle really puts a lot of things in perspective for me. I really hope they all succeed in rendering the changes they desire without too much bloodshed...

The Big Decision

So it looks like it will be Option B: moving home to sub in the short term. Scratch that...not moving, just going there and working for awhile. I have mixed feelings about this, but time and money wise it seems to be my best bet at the moment. I really hope it will be a positive and work out well, but the only way to find out is to do it. I also hope it doesn't take long to get my application processed...

Wish me luck!

Treading New Ground and Lacking Excitement

I have been tepidly navigating the world of online dating off and on for the past few months. It is certainly a whole new ballgame trying to meet people when you are nearing 30 as opposed to when you are barely 20, let me tell you!

I was thinking I was doing better than the average Internet dater, judging by the cynical profile descriptions and horror stories of whackos - through sheer luck, everyone I had talked to up to a certain point seemed relatively normal and decent...and then the weirdos started coming out of the woodwork. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm surprised at the number of guys (I can't really speak for the girls as I haven't been perusing them or conversating with them) who are willing to sleep with someone they've never seen a picture of or spoken to/chatted with, let alone met! Wow. That was an eye-opener. I also didn't realize that being able to spell and use correct grammar and punctuation automatically places someone in an elite group. One would think those are pretty basic skills, but apparently not... Anyway, I could go on, but I'm sure everyone has had or heard of the same sorts of things these days since online dating is so common. Suffice it to say it's been an interesting learning experience! I did manage to make myself a couple of good guy friends though, so it hasn't been a total waste of time (and it may still yield other fortunate results - who knows - but I'm not exactly holding my breath).

Other than that, the apartment is slowly coming together and getting in order and I have still been fighting to get a foot in the door work-wise. Life's a whole lot more lowkey now that everyone else has gone back to work and the weather is changing and it's sometimes rough to find things to do to keep myself from going insane, still. But I'm ok with living alone. That was a big adjustment and, surprisingly, it did not take long to adapt and embrace it. Having said that, I am very lucky to have a bunch of friends and family within a 15 minute drive for those times when I'm extra lonely and heading towards stir-crazy. I'm also in the midst of trying to find/contact some theatre/choir groups to broaden my circle and fill up my evenings a bit. I really need to diversify again at this point. This life is not enough for me as it is...

Discomfort

It's been 5 months and counting since I returned to my home province. I've now resettled in Kilbride and am living solo again. I have mixed feelings about the experience. There are times it is liberating and empowering and I love my own company. There are others when it is so devestatingly lonely and I feel so restless and uncomfortable I could scream or cry...and sometimes do. I have come to realize that I have been stubbornly refusing to go through a lot of the post-breakup process...that I have been practicing extreme avoidance through distracting myself by being constantly on the go with friends (not that there's anything wrong with that) and scouting for potential dates/wasting time on a lot of Mr. Wrongs. In short, I have been guilty of doing what I have always told friends who went through breakups NOT to do: I have not been learning to love myself more and taking care of myself the way I should be, I have not been actively getting in touch with myself and getting to know myself again, I have not been using my time wisely and filling my days with the things I enjoy doing, I have not been working on all the things I was excited about being able to work on again...I have not been actively learning to how to be on my own and I have been depending on other people for entertainment.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I experienced relatively little upheaval from this whole transition in terms of going from being in a relationship to being single. Some, yes, from time to time, but not a lot. Mostly I was ok...just frustrated at what I perceived as having gone backwards in my life plans in a sense, and being stuck living with my parents in the boondocks. I dated an old flame, met a few new guys, and did a lot of going out and celebrating my freedom with my friends. And now reality is setting in. August was a slowing down period and today September stepped up and smacked me in the face. I mean, seriously, I got my hair done today and barely even got any enjoyment out of it for Pete's sake! You know there's something wrong when...! I seriously have not cried as much as I have in the past couple of days in YEARS (well except for last year this time when I realized my relationship was falling apart - and WHY did I stay so long after that again???). I am also in the midst of trying to quit smoking again (my dirty little secret...I picked it up little by little after being around the old flame and the old friends all the time - all of whom smoke - and have been battling getting back to smokefree...and that adds to the emotional turmoil. Last time I quit 5 years ago I was a basketcase for a while with the withdrawal, etc).

In short, I am a mess right now. I am sitting in this discomfort, seemingly unable to pull myself out of it at the moment, and hoping it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship and I don't regret making the choice to leave. I just despise this feeling of weakness and yearning that stems from being an affectionate person and having no one to give that affection to while being unwilling to settle for just anyone to bestow it on...if that makes sense. It's kind of a battle between being pathetic and clinging to my standards. It's hard to be patient and wait for the right man when you don't even know if he exists anymore and all you can do is convince yourself to hang in there and hope he crosses your path sooner rather than later...but realizing that it's probably best if he doesn't show up yet for awhile anyhow because you're not exactly at the top of your game...

Another Move on the Horizon

It's official. My life since November has consisted of packing, unpacking, and driving. It looks like I will be staying with my brother for a bit and eventually moving into the apartment I have lined up in Kilbride. I hope I'll like it there.

Eventually, I will have enough time to revamp the blog to reflect the changes that have taken place...but first, I really need to get my life back on track. I can't wait to start filling it up with things I enjoy again instead of holding my breath and twiddling my thumbs trying not to go insane with the combination of boredom and frustration.

...and that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed a single moment since I've been home, because that is simply not true. I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and it's been great. However, I am, as a dear friend of mine pointed out the other day, "a planner" and I am currently suffering the discomfort of being unsettled and unsure of what is going on and where life is headed. Unfortunately, that little issue has been persistently plaguing the space in the back of my head that is prone to worrying about and dwelling on those sorts of things.

On that note, I have way too much to do right now to be sitting here procrastinating. There is, of course, packing to be done!

Another Rough Month

It has been yet another rough month so far. My grandfather passed away three days after my last post. I am glad he didn't suffer for an extended period of time, but it is still difficult to lose someone you love and it's a little hard to wrap your head around when it happens quickly. I had more of a part to play in the days afterwards than I've had in the aftermath of the deaths of other friends and family, and I have to say it is a whole new experience to have to take part in tying up the loose ends of someone's life and the arrangements that have to be made to finalize (for lack of a better word) their time on Earth instead of having to contend solely with thoughts and grief. Specifically, I was put in charge of proof reading the obituary, doing the "write up" for the church bulletin to be used at his funeral, reading a passage from the Bible at the funeral, helping to fill out the necessary financial paperwork for my grandmother, and writing the note of thanks to go in the newspaper. It was difficult, it was stressful, and it also gave me something to focus on to get through this time and feel useful.

I spent the weekend in St. John's apartment hunting again. I called/emailed about upwards of thirty apartments and ended up viewing only six. Of those six, two were what I would consider "dives," three were decent, and one was absolutely gorgeous. Although my heart was set on the "gorgeous" spot, I decided on one of the "decent" places (which was cheaper and therefore more practical), and the landlady said she would get back to me in a couple of days. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it pans out...

Of course, I still don't have a job either which is becoming somewhat frustrating. I am, however, lucky enough to have awesome parents who (although it is incredibly embarrassing to have to ask for at this age) are willing to back me up until I can stand on my own two feet again. There are those who are of the opinion that it is stupid of me to look for a place to live before I have a job to pay for it, but I happen to think that once I am in town things will fall into place. I will have more time to look for employment and I will be in there already when it comes time to start...and as an added bonus I will have my own space once more and feel somewhat like an adult again. Besides, according to everyone I've talked to, apartments are scarce these days and the competition for them is fierce. Hence, wouldn't it make sense to focus my efforts there for the time being to make sure I have a place to live before everything is scooped up by the new group of students moving in for the fall semseter at MUN?

Anyway, I will stop babbling and trying to rationalize. I have a touch of cabin fever again today and it is only Monday yet so that is not a good sign...but the wind in the trees and the fresh air coming through my bedroom window sure are nice...

Single Life Update

It has been a while...some things have changed and others have stayed pretty much the same...

I am almost done with the unpacking/repacking/organizing phase, but I really do hope to have my own place again very soon (even though that will mean partially starting that phase over again). Great as it is for my parents to take me in, I am finding it very hard to deal with not being on my own at the moment. I really need to have my own space...preferably in St. John's, where most of my friends are situated at present.

I'm still looking for a job. I've applied for a bunch but so far no feedback. It would be nice to be employed again. I'm trying not to get down over it, but it's hard not to sometimes.

I'm done with grieving for my failed relationship and have started dating again. It's fun and exciting in some ways, but it sucks in others. Let's face it, all those awkward first moments you have to contend with whenever you start seeing someone new are not exactly a pleasure to go through. And honestly, I really miss having someone to love and you can't love just anybody. Now that I'm dating again I tend to swing between just wanting to enjoy the moment and not get too attached to not wanting to waste time with anyone who I don't see becoming a long-term prospect. I'm finding I am also tending to over analyze my thoughts and feelings a lot more than usual and it is increasingly difficult to figure out just what I AM feeling a lot of the time. On the bright side, though, parts of me that have been buried for a long time are re-emerging and it's nice to experience them again. It's all a part of that weird, post-breakup head space I suppose. There are days when I'm just happy to be on my own with an opportunity for a fresh start and there are days when all I want to do is curl up and cry because I have to start over in so many ways which can be, at times, very frustrating and overwhelming. I really didn't think this is where I would be at almost 30. I thought I would be settled in my career and started on my own family by now and that doesn't seem to be anywhere in the cards in the foreseeable future and is kind of depressing to think about.

I'm bored a lot of the time. There isn't a lot to do around here (or, not a lot that I want to do at least) and I experience frequent bouts of cabin fever and going stir crazy. Hence, I usually take off on the weekends to try and retain my sanity.

Anyway, it's quite a process. I don't remember things being so complicated the last time I went through a major breakup...then again I was in my early twenties at that point so I guess they really weren't. I had loads of time and not much to worry about. I just really hope all of this will have been worth it in the end. I guess in some ways it already is...I'm attempting to move on and trying to find happiness instead of staying where I knew the potential for it had dwindled to the point of no return. That has to count for something, right? However, I do wish all those doors I thought I saw would start opening up already...

Name Change

So, as mentioned awhile ago, the move back to the island kind of necessitates a name change for the blog. So far, I am drawing a blank (although, admittedly, I haven't exactly been putting a lot of thought into it with so much else on my plate). I'm thinking probably something that would reflect new beginnings or a return home (since that will likely be the predominant theme in my blogs for awhile), but haven't yet come up with anything I like. Any suggestions out there to get me started?

In other news, I have finally been able to regain enough stability to start getting back on track with my normal diet and exercise routines (which have been thrown completely out of whack for the last couple of months or more, which has in turn resulted in unwanted extra poundage on top of what I was already wanting to shed). I am happy to report that after only a few days, I am already down 1.2 lbs. Yay me! Let's hope that continues!

...And one last note: I am really not enjoying getting reacquainted with Newfoundland's version of spring. YUCK! I have been totally spoiled over the past few years. Imagine - experiencing seasons as they were meant to occur within the timeframes they are expected to occur. What a novel idea! In the big picture, it's not that big a deal, of course. It is only weather, after all, and we are notorious for not having great weather out here in the middle of the Atlantic. And it is more than a fair tradeoff to put up with poor weather in turn for being around so many people I love and need right now...but a girl can rant and complain for a bit, can't she?

Building a Fitness Arsenal

Like a lot of others, I have hit the harsh wall of post-holiday reality - in the form of the bathroom scale. Ouch. I knew this was coming and it was my own fault, but the time has come to do something about it...again. What this means at the moment is that (although I am still proceeding to stuff my face with leftover holiday goodies) in a bid to combat the effects of overindulgence (and since I have yet to overcome my gym phobia and do not particularly enjoy frequent walking in the wintertime), I am attempting to revive my home workout program (and I use that term loosely).

I jump started this initiative by spending countless hours sitting in front of the computer frustratedly researching what's available and indecisively polling friends. A little silly and excessive, I admit, but I wanted to spend money wisely instead of impulsively making purchases. The next step was to buff up my collection of workout DVDs. So, in addition to the likes of Leslie Sansone (I have a bunch of her Walk off the Pounds DVDs), Michelle Dozois (Pilates Plus is one of my staples, although I have it on VHS and would really like to get the DVD version), Jillian Michaels, Billy Blanks and Jennifer Pohlman (the latter two are definitely NOT among my faves) who I have collected over the past 10 years, multiple new videos starring Rodney Yee, Jennifer Kries, Debbie Siebers, Shiva Rea and the Yoga Zone crew (as well as some new ones featuring the old assortment of trainers) have now moved in to grace my shelves. I admit I may have went a little crazy with it - more than doubling my fitness DVD collection in a few days, but the theory is that if I can outsmart my tendency to become bored (therefore quickly giving up), I might actually be able to develop and sustain a routine that lasts more than a couple of weeks.

So far, while I still intend to throw a few of the old standbys into the mix again eventually, I have tried them all except the new Jennifer Kries' pilates routine (which hasn't yet arrived from Chapters...or was it Amazon?) and have had mixed reactions. Of the new ones (most of which are yoga based, which is all new to me), I have to say I am finding the Yoga Zones and Debbie Siebers easiest to follow as a newbie. The others are enjoyable as well, but I will probably leave them on the shelf until I become better acquainted with yogic practices. However, I have to say, finding Mariel Hemingway on some of the Rodney Yee vids was a little disturbing and I don't think her segments will become part of the regular rotation.

The bottom line is that I am beginning to feel better; more flexible and energized, already, and that I have enough fresh material to rotate through to keep me going for a long time without it feeling stagnant. That has to be a step in the right direction, doesn't it? I am also finding that the yoga DVDs are self-motivating, meaning that I don't have to work too hard at convincing myself to get up and do them. That is also a bonus (although I have to wonder if it will continue to be that way once the novelty wears off) which I intend to make the most of while it lasts.

Most importantly, I am breaking my holiday routine of inactivity-while-feeling-lonely-and-sorry-for-myself...which was totally not healthy...and I am thinking that if I could find the will and determination to stop smoking 4 1/2 years ago and make it last, this is totally do-able. Perhaps 2010 will be the year that I finally stick with it and see ongoing results instead of my habitual yearly round of follow the yo-yo with that pesky 15 pounds that just will not quit. Of course, I also have to break the bad eating habits I have allowed myself to slip into over the past couple of months as well, but one step at a time - right?

A Change is Coming

....well more than one to be precise, some of which have already cropped up, blindsided me, and taken effect on their own.

I realized after I posted the last entry mere seconds ago that I had neglected to write about the more exciting things taking place in favour of the more routine everyday annoyances.

I will attempt to remedy that without being too incredibly long-winded...which, incidentally, will probably take me much longer than if I were to just ramble freely. Go figure.

OK, so here are the highlights of my week so far....

There was an unfortunate incident involving keys and a late night text composed of the word "help" that ended in a 3am trip to the front door in order to stare like a sleep-deprived deer into unfamiliar halogen headlights and hand over my own set so that my partner could regain our mode of transportation.

My mother and the man I have been referring to as my "step-father" for the past few years have, after 22 years, made it official. They quietly went and got married on Monday and didn't tell anyone (except their parents, who practically found out on the way to church to serve as witnesses....luckily, no heart attacks were sustained) until after the deed was done. Shocking and unexpected much? Still trying to wrap my head around that one...you would think nothing much would change except on paper - and you'd be right - but there is still something a little unsettling about being taken by surprise like that. Anyway, good for them. They seem rather happy about it, and I'm happy for them too.

We are moving. Down the hall. It seems a little stupid and pointless when you say it like that. Especially since we don't know how long we will be here still. However, we have had enough of this apartment and some well lit and mold free digs with complimentary balcony were too enticing to pass up.

I have started working on an "Action Plan" to find a new career path. It sounds more exciting than it is, trust me. I'm just glad to finally have some wheels in motion to get me out of this confused indecision I seem to be mired in, however slowly they may be turning. Oh, and I also finally got a nibble on one of the resumes I threw out to the general workforce and almost caught an interview, which was encouraging.

I am beginning to re-emerge from my latest stint as a hermit and regain some semblance of a social life. Which is good. Still working on that one, but it's a start that I have been out of my apartment on a non-work or errand related venture this week with someone other than my partner and have plans to do so again over the next little while. Anyway, better not jinx myself by saying too much on that score. Suffice it to say that it is one more thing that makes me happy.

And that's it for now, in a nutshell. You are officially up to date.

At The Crossroads

Being an adult truly blows goats sometimes. There are a bunch of changes coming down the tubes lately (mostly intertwined, which tends to complicate matters), and I'm not sure if I am prepared for any of them. In fact, I am not even sure I can separate them enough to formulate a coherent account of the issues I am currently attempting to navigate my way around - either here OR at the personal sorting station inside my brain :s Nevertheless, I will attempt to outline a few in this entry (if only to wrap my own head around it once more)...It's all pretty basic stuff, I'm sure, but with my knack for making things more complicated and worrisome than they need to be, it's no wonder I feel like I am weaving my way through a beast-ridden jungle right now...

First and foremost, 29 is a few days away - which means 30 is lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce on me. I'm not sure it is something I could ever be ready for, but it boggles my mind to no end to contemplate all the things I wanted to see/do/accomplish before that benchmark age. Following that up with an attempt to figure out the logistics of checking them off my list and facing the dawning reality of how much time I actually have left in which to realize those dreams with an expiry date is rather daunting in itself, all other considerations aside.

Secondly, I am seriously debating my chosen career (have been for a while) and am currently weighing my options. It's a confusing and frustrating process at times, needless to say, and I really fail to see an endless stream of possibilities outside my door. Not to mention that when an adult contemplates these things, he/she not only has to figure out "what do I want?" and "how much time do I have?," but also take into consideration "what can I afford?," which will dictate what is acceptable in terms of salary, further schooling/training, etc. when weighed against current finances as well as present and future quality of life. In the meantime, said adult (in this case, moi) needs to keep afloat financially...which in my case means a continuation/waiting game of sorts in my current career coupled with an intensive job search on the side for solutions unknown.

Which brings us to the third conundrum...where does one find the solutions to all those ponderings? There is a ceaseless brain wracking, question asking, information seeking and running around in circles that follows these questions around in the adult world (or in my brain anyway). I am searching for ways to work these things into a (preferably better than) satisfactory outcome, but also have to factor in the fact that I am, at the moment, far away from my entire social network and not wanting to set down permanent roots in the place in which I have been residing for the past 3 years (although I have been working on a few temporary ones in the past year or so). I am debating a move...but where? I have been focusing on one place in particular at present. A place which I have never visited, is also far away from familiar surroundings and devoid of all present social connections but one, and poses many other definite challenges of its own.

I'm sure by now you get my drift...I'm a freak and I think things to death. I'll shut up now. In the meantime, I am continuing to float around restlessly in limbo, wishing for psychic abilities that would allow me to explore all the possibilities presented by each path I could take, risk free!

That's some pretty freaky shit right there...Seriously...how much simpler was life when I was half my age?

On another (related or unrelated - depending on how you look at it) note, I am experiencing a wave of homesickness tonight and spent hours scouring YouTube for videos of familiar and comforting sights and sounds. It's tough being a fish out of water sometimes, even if you do adapt to life on land...