Reflection

So this is it...the first day of 2012. I must admit, there is a shift in me today...but I think it's one that has been formulating inside for quite some time. It doesn't feel like anything monumental. Just another day. But an opportunity to make a new start and get off on the right foot. I'm glad that I'm not hungover today. New Year's Eve was less than thrilling and I came home from the Sheraton at 10am-ish this morning. But I'm happy. There was no kiss at midnight, I barely danced, and I hardly drank...in fact, I didn't even have anything to sip on to toast and yell "CHEERS!" when the countdown ended...but I was with my girls. New memories were created and the most obscure encounters of the evening stirred some kind of deeper understanding in me. When the New Year was rung in, we were standing on the dance floor - together. It also feels good to be able to function right now...I've unpacked my bag, done the dishes, and started laundry since arriving chez moi. Mundane? Totally. Yet also satisfying. It's better than being sick or just going to bed and sleeping the day away. I feel older, wiser, and there is a sense of accomplishment inherent in not having a kick ass time on the biggest party night of the year, but still being able to appreciate it for what it was.

2011 was a great learning experience. There were lots of fun times and lots of not so fun times. I found myself living it up and making up for the loss of my social life in my 20s and I also found myself drowning in my own sorrows on more than one occasion, lost and drifting in an endless sea of uncertainty. There was excitement and there was heartbreak. I didn't accomplish a lot of the things I had wished to, but I did come into my own a little more on the inside. Here's hoping 2012 brings more progress and stability my way...and brings you whatever it is that you would like to have in your own life. May it be kind to us all. 

PS: I have decided that January 10th will be my quit smoking date. The weaning starts today. 

Unexpected Compliments

Most of my life, I lacked confidence and self-esteem. Thankfully, that has been steadily improving over the past few years...with no thanks to my exes, who were really not big on compliments. I've come to realize that compliments are important. But only if they are sincere. That was always my problem...I never bought the sincerity of the complimenter in question when it came to me. But I make it a habit to always compliment people sincerely whenever I notice something positive. It might be that I like their smile or hair...it could be that the colour they are wearing suits them or the cut of their clothes is flattering...perhaps it's that they have a comforting presence or a nice voice...but whatever positive it is that I notice, I try to share it. What better way to create some feel good vibes for yourself than by making someone else feel good? 

I'm getting better at distinguishing between BS and heartfelt compliments that I am given and accepting them gracefully instead of immediately dismissing them the way I was always wont to do. I guess it was the inability to think highly of myself or believe that anyone else could either. 

I digress...

Last night I went to a wedding. I bought a new red dress and borrowed some jewelry from my cousin. I wore my black strappy sandals. I left my hair au natural and spent a little extra time on my makeup. I felt good. And after a few drinks I loosened up on the dance floor and started enjoying myself. A beautiful blonde woman made a point of dancing over to me to tell me I was stunning. I was blown away - I had been thinking the same thing about her. It felt so good to have a total stranger with no agenda say that to me. I thanked her with heartfelt sincerity and returned the compliment. It's nice to be secure enough to compliment others but it's also nice to be secure enough to accept them. 

Living on the Fly

So midway through my last post (which I actually finished today) I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother's girlfriend. They were heading out to La Manche to go camping and wondered if I'd like to go with. My only alternative at the time was to stay home glued to the TV and computer, so I told them to drop by and give me a sec to get ready and I'd follow them out and stay for supper. Before I knew it, I had a bunch of gear packed (just in case) and was heading out the door. This is nothing short of amazing, as I really don't do spur of the moment well when preparation is needed. We stopped at a convenience store and a liquor store en route and I got other things (just in case). By the time we got there and got the tent set up, I was put on supper duty and my brother was shoving booze at me...that combined with the fog made the decision that I was going to have to stay and tough it out (I can be a bit of a princess at times). Anyway, the rain came down all night and we got soaked, but we did get lots of funny pics in my car during our intermittent escapes from the waterworks, and we did manage to make use of the fire pit to roast wieners and make s'mores. All in all, a good night. I did wimp out on the hike the next day, though...there is a limit to my ability to do things unprepared and the black flies were driving me insane while we were getting packed up to leave the campsite so I headed home to clean up and re-group.

Last night I went to watch the Canada Day fireworks with my three closest friends in town. We all arrived separately and in the nick of time, which made for stories in themselves. It was really good to be together and having a laugh. I'm so thankful to be able to do that. It was a little anti-climactic for me, though, as my worries got the better of me and I ended up leaving early to come home rather than become a party pooper.

Today I was up bright and early and getting geared up for a hike...which was initially cancelled but will now probably be happening in about a half an hour or so. Let's hope the sunshine is good to me...At the very least, it should help me put my anxiety about my current situation in check. Better to be doing something than dwelling on doing nothing.

I'm lucky to have friends and family who notice when I'm not me and rally to support me and bring me back to myself.

Party Time!!!

I'm going out tonight. I'm gonna let my hair down and shake my booty. I can't wait. It's long overdue :)

Reminders of Age

Happy belated St. Paddy's Day! I celebrated by heading downtown with one of my girls. We had plenty reason to celebrate too, since it was her birthday earlier in the week and it was also the anniversary of my coming home. Couldn't very well let all that pass by unacknowledged, now could we? Anyway, cover was outrageous at the Irish bars and they were packed, but overall it was a pretty good night. What was not so good was the headache I was contending with in the wee hours of the morning or the tiredness I have been combating all day. Brutal. I have seriously been feeling half dead the since my eyes opened this morning. Yep, I am most definitely not 20 anymore! I cannot believe there was a time when I was such a trooper that I could hit George 5 nights a week and still be functional. Wow, to have that kind of resilience now! The good news is, some Starbucks and a bath seem to have me feeling at least semi-human again...

Ringing in the New Year

It is shaping up to be a pretty low key day - as I'm sure it is for a good portion of the population who are hungover today; a condition with which we, luckily, have not been afflicted. We are, however, lazing around and working on the last mounds of junk food contraband residing in our apartment after a late night and a (fairly) early rise.

The good news is, we were able to redeem the last moments of 2009 at the Jammies Extravaganza. I have to admit I was a little unsure what to expect going in, but it was exactly what I needed. We were, indeed, comfy in our PJ's (all of which were rated G) and there was a wealth of food, drink and laughter to go around. It was also our first introduction to Cranium (we'd heard about it, of course, but had never gotten the opportunity to play) and it was hilarious. I tried to keep the sketches my partner and I drew depicting "mad scientist" when we went up against each other in the art category, as I thought it was infinitely amusing (and rather eerie too, come to think of it!) that we drew exactly the same things in exactly the same order and arrangement (you know you've been spending too much time with someone when...) but they slipped out of my pocket at some point and went MIA, so you'll have to take my word for it. Suffice it to say, I am glad we decided to go and I am in a much better mood today.

One more thing that came out of the New Year's Eve soiree is that it gave me something to think about. Our lovely hostess from last night also happens to be involved with one of the local papers and mentioned that they may be hiring a reporter (I'm guessing this will be happening in the near future?). She says it would be a part time, supplemental type gig (which I would probably be able to incorporate into my life right now...the only trick would be working it around my partner's work as well since we share the car). Anyway, I've always toyed with the idea of writing for a paper (or any kind of published writing, really) but have never made a move to do it. The closest I have ever come was a couple of years ago when I contacted the editor of the other local paper to ask how one would go about writing for them...but when he came back to me with an email asking if I was interested in filling a need they had for a 'slice of life' column, I bolted. I don't know what it is, but I have always had such an inferiority complex and fear of failure- which is, of course, most pronounced in areas that require me to open myself up to others and put the fruits of my labour out there for all to see and judge. In light of that fact, I also have to admit that I have amazed myself on several occasions by being able to fight it enough to achieve certain things - such as a university education, a career that requires me to interact with the public on a regular basis and, more recently, dabbling in community theatre and choir.

But the written word? That has to be the hardest for me to face (next to singing on stage for an audience...that was a definite toughie to conquer...or at least beat into submission long enough to get through a few performances). It's sad, really. I grew up being so passionate about writing, but so afraid to share what I had written, and was never able to muster the courage to pursue it. It's become buried over the years, but the urge has always lingered somewhere in the back of my head and emerged from time to time, only to be ignored and laid back to rest. And part of it is practicality...I mean, aspiring writers are a dime a dozen, right? You have to be really good to survive and get anywhere. And for that, you most definitely have to be able to believe in yourself and TRY.

So, there's a really long-winded way of saying that I am considering that tidbit of information but am undecided as to what to do with it yet. On the one hand, it could be an opportunity to broaden my resume (the career search is at a bit of a standstill at the moment anyway...), but on the other it scares the hell out of me.

Oddly enough, the day before when the cable guy was here hooking up our new phone and Internet services, he happened to pitch me the idea of doing a show of some sort for the community channel. Apparently he used to be the producer and there is a definite shortage of material at the moment. I can honestly say that is not something I had ever considered doing. I currently have no ideas for a community cable show nor the first idea of how to put one together and make it happen. All the same, it's weird how these two opportunities appeared out of nowhere in such a short timespan. I have always envied people who are able to recognize any opportunity and turn it into a successful venture.

On that note, it has just occurred to me that I am thinking too much today and should probably give my brain a rest until tomorrow, at the very least. I have a few things that need to be accomplished today so I should probably go do them as I have taken the whole day off so far...

To quote from a friend's facebook status, "May the best of 2009 be the best of 2010"

Cheers, everyone!

Bonfire Night

November 5th in Newfoundland (a.k.a. Bonfire Night) was always a big deal when I was younger. Us youngsters would spend weeks preparing; roaming the ridge in our rubber boots with tomahawks in hand, cutting up boughs that we dragged home and piled high, continually scouting the woods for the treasured "blassy" ones that would add some pizazz to our fires. It was a fierce competition with a huge team effort and we never missed an opportunity to brag to our friends about our stash.

There was always a community bonfire held in town, but up until my late teenage years, I always attended the cozier family bonfire that took place in the rocky, gravelly, no man's land between our yard and the bog. Since several generations of my extended family lived close by, there was always a crowd composed of aunts, uncles, and cousins, along with my grandmother, my immediate family, and sometimes a various assortment of great aunts and uncles as well as the neighbours who stopped by from time to time.

Our excitement would build for days until we could barely contain ourselves, counting the hours until we could bundle up in our winter gear and head out after supper at some point. There was usually a big fire for warmth, which the adults generally sat around, closely watching and helping us while having a few beers, and then there was a smaller one for us to take turns roasting wieners and marshmallows in, using spears cut from alder branches that one of my uncles would carve for us each year.

Invariably, as we talked and laughed, sang, and looked around at the smoke and flames of our neighbours' fires licking at the night sky, we all gradually ended up with a gooey mess of melted goodies and soot all over our faces and hands (adults included). Most often someone ate so much they got sick. But it was a grand ole time, nonetheless.

When I got older, it became a time to celebrate with my friends in different locations around town more-so than hanging out with my family, but the premise was still largely the same (minus the little kids and the grown-ups who would spoil our fun).

I first started to miss Bonfire Night during my university years, because often I stayed in St. John's, where you can't just light a fire wherever you want. However, I missed it more terribly the first couple of years I was away from The Rock and realized that it doesn't exist here or anywhere else in Canada or the rest of the world, for the most part.

Why would anyone still care enough to celebrate the downfall of some guy who tried to blow up the Parliament buildings in London back in the 1600's anyway, right? Well...no one, if you ask me. But it really has nothing to do with Guy Fawkes anymore. It is just another deep-rooted Newfoundland tradition, leftover from our days as a British colony, that gives us one more excuse to have a good time and enjoy our freedom with the people in our lives (and I have always found myself entranced by the dancing flames of a burning fire regardless - no matter where I am or who I am with). God, how I miss the Island sometimes.