Something Missing

Try as I might, I can't seem to stay fully in the light. I haven't had a call for work since last Sunday...that's over two weeks. Doubts are creeping in. It's hard to stay positive in the face of no work. Which makes me think it may be time to start thinking and evaluating options again. The scale finally moved. I am down 0.6 today. Ironic, since I binged on Moo Moo's and buttered light rye last night when the rehearsal I'd been looking forward to since last week was cancelled unexpectedly and I was bummed out. I guess we all have ups and downs and this is one of my downs...but maybe it is up to me how far down I allow myself to go. I'm aiming for not far. I much prefer the feeling of being lit up from within. I just need to find it again and hang on for dear life.

In the meantime, is it too much to ask for a visit from the work fairy and the love fairy? That would be ideal! Much as I have been working on myself and my life, I feel like I'm still waiting on both of those to arrive. I try not to focus on it (and for a while I didn't even think about it), but it's still there. What do I need to do to fill those voids completely? Maybe I'm missing my friend or the last guy I was dating (who also started out as a friend and who I sometimes wish had stayed that way)...or maybe I'm just experiencing a lack of Vitamin D. Who the hell knows...Let's just hope it gets better again quickly, shall we?

Crash and Burn

The friend of a friend and I fell into talking every day again. We got together last Monday and had a fabulous time. I drove to see him and spend the night this Friday. But something had changed. He wasn't the same. And it left me feeling empty. So Saturday night I gave him a spiel about how I couldn't handle seeing him when he was mourning someone else and how when he is whole again if he wants me he can come find me and we'll see where I'm at then. However, his response (which was basically to accept it and say he was still messed up but knew when the time is right it could happen with us and that he doesn't expect me to wait for him) was underwhelming and made me re-evaluate everything. I was hurt and I got angry. The anger was still there when I woke up this morning and this afternoon I decided to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation - that if he was in shock over what had happened with her, he was blind because there's no way it should have come as a shock. That if he truly meant what he had said about his feelings for me, I wouldn't have had to seek reassurance and that if he had truly wanted me then or now he would've fought for me. That I had been feeling so empty after going to see him that I debated leaving him a note and taking off in the middle of the night (which is totally out of character for me), that I felt stupid for believing him and allowing myself be vulnerable to him. He didn't say anything. His response was to delete me from his contact list. I cannot believe he would do something so immature. I texted him the rest of what I was going to say...which was basically that he obviously isn't my guy and that I have no one to blame but myself for getting so caught up when I knew the state he was in and I did it anyway. And so now the hurt is intensified and the emptiness is back full force. I don't know how to make this right for myself. And yet throughout the sick feeling I am experiencing, I still want to reach out to him and see if he's OK. I want to apologize for being harsh...even though all I did was speak my mind and he is the one who wasn't an adult about it. But I don't think contacting him again is wise right now. What to do....?

The Battle of Head Vs Heart

I've been thinking of him a lot today. The Labradorian. The urge to call him tonight was so strong that I went as far as to look up his number online (I had purposely deleted all his contact information along with removing him from my facebook friends list weeks ago. The intent was to obliterate all temptation to reach out to him. I wanted to erase the sick feeling seeing his name and face engendered in me after I came to the realization that things weren't as they had been between us. Who needs constant reminders of disappointment like that?). I fought it. But it was hard. And he's still on my mind.

It's a little embarrassing to admit that I kept our correspondence (along with one of the voicemail messages he left me...how pathetic is that?). I haven't been able to bring myself to delete it yet and tonight was the first time I allowed myself to reread some of the emails. Probably not a good idea, in retrospect. But I knew that before I started to read (sucker for punishment much?).

I did the math and realized that it's been 6 weeks since the last message. It was one I wrote to him...one that he didn't respond to. And that sent a message of it's own, loud and clear. It's part of the reason I didn't pick up the phone in the end. If he wanted to talk to me he could've called or emailed. He didn't. So why subject myself to further rejection and embarrassment? Why give him the ammunition to take another shot at my pride? I know what I would say to a friend if she was in my position. Somehow that is cold comfort. Yet it is also the thought of appearing weak and stupid in my friends eyes that also halted my hand in it's tracks when it was itching to reach for the receiver. I don't think any of them would actually say that to me, but I wonder if they would think it. I might.

This is relatively new territory for me. Usually if I do get the notion to contact someone like that, it goes away almost as quickly as it came or I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly, at least. Not so in this case. I keep wanting to believe he was different. And the psychic the other day didn't help. He (the psychic) said that The Labradorian was a very pleasant man and that our conversations had been good (tell me something I don't know). He said that The Labradorian might be the one and then again maybe not (vague and inconclusive, I know, but enough to replant the seed of longing somewhat). He said that it couldn't hurt to contact The Labradorian...that if he is The One, things will pan out and if he isn't then they won't go anywhere (genius, no?).

As I said before, I'm not even sure how much I buy into psychic readings and whatnot...but it was enough to up the amount The Labradorian has been on my mind again and to make me start pondering everything again...not that I ever really stopped. Is it just loneliness and lack of another interest that continually brings him to the forefront of my mind and makes me wonder how he's doing and whether he thinks of me? Is that the driving force behind this desire to hear his voice? Is it just that the silly, typical, good girl part of me is wondering whether I did something wrong to cause this and whether there is a way to fix it? Or is it more than that? Should I take a risk? Or should I just give my head a shake and reaffirm (once again) that he obviously was not the right one and isn't worth my time, thoughts, or energy anymore?

I guess I'll resort to doing what I've been doing off and on for the past 6 weeks whenever it's cropped up...sit with it for another night while simultaneously trying to shove it out of my consciousness...but I won't deny that I hope fate decides to put us in the same place sometime just to see what would happen...

There are times when I think that, in some ways, it might actually be better to be a man...

Seeking Solace

What do you do when your world has been in shambles around your feet for longer than you anticipated? Where do you turn? How do you fill the void? They say the greatest growth occurs when we are tested...either mine has been stunted or I'm so lost right now that I don't remember how. I feel trapped in this empty place where I am frustrated and unfulfilled. I want to put myself on the right track, but I'll be damned if I know what that is anymore...if I ever did. Nothing brings comfort at this point. I see no point in anything anymore and I ache. I guess the only thing to do is to keep moving and trying to rebuild...but I'm tired. I am so tired of waiting and trying to be patient. I am so tired of feeling unsatisfied. I hope and I wish and I pray, but nothing seems to change. They say you must be the change you want to see in the world...or something like that...where has my motivation gone? What can I try that I haven't already? Who can I talk to? Where can I go? How do I make things the way I want them? Do I even know what that looks like anymore? When is this going to get better.....?

Dancing with Deceit

I have pretty good instincts, I'm discovering. And when something doesn't sit right with me, dirty laundry has a way of coming to the top of the hamper, shall we say. In this case, it was a couple of little white lies that I haven't decided what to do with yet. But it irks me. Why do people feel the need to be dishonest? Are these lies inconsequential, or do they hide something more substantial? Is the liar in question a basically good person who chose to hide a couple of things rather than give a rational explanation for them? Or are they actually not to be trusted at all? I guess only time will tell...but my radar is now on alert, as it should be. Burn me once, burn me twice, and so on...

Don't get me wrong, I'm not intending to come across as perfect or holier-than-thou. Lord knows I have my share of faults and have been guilty of bending the truth myself on occasion, like everyone else on this planet. But overall I pride myself on being honest and trustworthy. In other words, I know my own character and intentions...but how well can you ever really know someone else's?

I generally think you either trust people until they give you a reason not to or you trust no one until they prove themselves worthy of it. I tend to do a little of both, depending on the vibes someone gives me. However, I have also noticed that I have the tendency to see the good in people to the extent of giving more credit than is due a lot of the time...which makes me question myself at times like this and wonder if I am being too naive and trusting. But I am not one to judge quickly or harshly and believe people generally have reasonable motives for their actions (there are always exceptions, of course), so it creates a bit of an internal conundrum.

Time will tell, as I said. In the meantime, I have to decide whether to confront this person and ask for clarification for the untruths or let them go and keep my observations to myself for now. Tough decision in some ways. I don't want to jump to the wrong conclusions and I also really don't respect or appreciate being lied to. On the other hand, I don't want to put this person on the defensive for several reasons.

Ah well, at least I know I'd make a damn fine detective. Perhaps a new career choice if teaching falls through...?

The Putting Myself First Plan

Well, here it goes...I figure if I put it out there for the world to see there may be a better chance of me tackling and sticking to it...I just have to create it first...SO what does it mean to put myself first?

In order to get all my ducks in a row, I need to take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally/spiritually, and financially and make sure my own needs are met. So now I'll break it down and see what that looks like/what I have to work on:

1. Physically - get on a regular sleep/wake schedule, exercise followed by stretching in some form at least four times per week, limit junk food intake to weekends, drink between one and two litres of water per day, quit smoking again (which requires a whole plan of it's own and I must be completely ready and committed to it before attempting in order to ensure success).

2. Mentally/emotionally/spiritually - pray, meditate, practice deep breathing, remember gratitude daily, stop wasting thought, time and energy on people and things that don't warrant it, only make time for people who make time for me, write regularly, pursue theatre, prepare to quit smoking, limit exposure to negative influences if and when possible, redefine personal and professional goals and take action.

3. Financially - keep better track of spending, pay off debt, start saving again, increase income (which is the current sticking point, the concept being very much convoluted in my brain and requiring further thought and clarification. In fact, I have been sitting here staring at the screen trying to determine how to even organize the jumble of ideas so that they can be followed and understood).

Short term, I am thinking my options include:

A. Get those resumes out to the schools in St. John's and surrounding area (of course they are closed again today) and volunteer and network like crazy
B. Drum up some more tutoring
C. Move home and try subbing there
D. Perhaps pursue freelance writing
E. Apply for other jobs outside of teaching
F. Pray long and hard to be able to make ends meet
G. Go teach overseas

Long term, I need to consider:

A. Staying put in the teaching field and sticking it out until a full-time position comes my way
B. Going back to school and pursuing further education to use either in the teaching field or some other undetermined area
C. What areas I'd be interested in other than teaching
D. What would be involved in pursuing other areas of interest



...which brings me full circle and I'm still no further ahead with the biggest issue I need to tackle. Finances and career path. Sigh. That really bugs me. The ticking of the clock is like a sonic boom in my ears and I can feel my neck getting tighter with each passing second that I haven't decided on a definite course of action/life plan. SO much pressure...How is it that this totally paralyzes me? Grrrrr....I need to break it down and make it more manageable somehow but I'm really at a loss here with so much to consider and time running out. I feel like I can't tackle all those things at once because it will mean my energies are scattered all over the place...so where do I focus them...? OK...think. Be rational. It's not THAT difficult. Whoa. Spiralling. In the words of my darling stepfather, "The main thing is not to panic." So... I guess now would be a good time to take a breather and realize that organizing it on paper (or the screen in this case) is a step in the right direction. Come back to it later and scrutinize one option at a time. And they are not all mutually exclusive either. Deep breathing, anyone...? :-)


As an afterthought, a few of the happiest acquaintances I know in terms of work life are ones who have also expressed the impossibility of planning these things. They say it just happened...Wouldn't that be nice? I suppose I could add "pray for karma to drop my ideal life in my lap" to my list...

Tending the Soul

So our jaunt to Boxfit was put off from Monday night to last night, but was still good times. My friend and I really enjoyed Boxer-cise and I don't know about her, but I'm certainly feeling it today. We are considering going again, but hoping it will be less crowded next time (it's new right now so the novelty is still there and everyone wants to try it, much like us). We've also been going to Zumba classes along with a third friend on a fairly regular basis and I've been walking and doing yoga whenever the mood strikes as well. Hopefully the results will be noticeable soon...like before my dress is ready for choir, let's say? Did I mention how depressing it was to get measured for that? Yikes! I swear I have curves and a figure (albeit not exactly 36-24-36 or whatever those divine measurements are supposed to be), but according to her measuring tape I'm pretty much a tree trunk. Nice.

I have re-started The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron (I have the book), which I initially tried in BC and got halfway through before falling off the bandwagon. So far it seems to be helping me feel better, if nothing else. I have an artist date (rough translation: 2 hour block of uninterrupted alone time doing something fun - preferably something my inner child would like/appreciate) with myself tomorrow night. My "inner artist child" and I are going to a movie. It will be the first time I've gone to a movie solo since I was about 16 and dying of boredom one weekend. Anyway...should be an interesting experience. I'm sure there are people who do it all the time, but for me movie going has always been a social thing to do - well, accompanied by at least one friend or the current boyfriend at the time. Last week myself and I went for a walk in Bowring Park and took lots of pictures of the pretty fall colours and leaves everywhere for our artist date. It was great, on more than one count. I needed a reminder of how enthralled I can become with my surroundings and how getting out in nature, breathing fresh air and appreciating beauty can somehow make everything seem better. The chapter I just read in The Artist's Way actually talks about paying attention to the little details in the here and now and I must say, it is really powerful sometimes to just do that one simple thing.

I've also been finding practicing songs for choir to be quite therapeutic and good for my soul. My emotional and spiritual well being has been positively affected by all of these practices (and of course journalling, which I've been doing for years)and I hope I can remember to keep them up. Now...if I could only figure out the rest of my life. The method behind the madness was that if I could take better care of myself and tend to my spirit perhaps my thinking and emotions would become more clear and I would accomplish more and be more productive in everyday life (thereby quelling the feelings of uselessness and guilt that come with not having a regular job)...that perhaps that neon sign I was praying to drop from the heavens would actually materialize in my brain instead.

While there have been no glowing lights to date, the fact that I AM feeling better is leaving me better able to cope with stress and keep depression a little more at bay, so I guess that is progress, at least...

Sunday Night Ramblings

So I'm sitting here with a glass of port and I'm thinking I should probably be in bed. One of the things about not having a regular job that I'm finding hard to cope with (aside from the obvious lack of income and resultant stress) is the absence of routine and trying to get in and out of bed at decent hours. Being unemployed most definitely takes a toll on your self-confidence and your self-worth. I keep praying for a neon sign to fall from the sky and hit me in the head, telling me what to do and which way to go to get to where I want to be. So far, no such luck. It just doesn't seem to want to materialize.

In a sense, I have all the time in the world and don't know what to do with it most days. I try to keep busy and be as productive as I can muster (depending on how depressed I am about not having a regular job or not quite knowing what it is that I want to do or how to go about doing it - some days are better than others). I try and stay active and get out of the apartment for some fresh air daily but that doesn't always happen either. I told myself I would use this time to figure everything out and to write in the meantime. It turns out that has been easier said than done. I keep taking baby steps but I feel like I am churning my wheels and getting nowhere (wow that was a mixed metaphor...or was it even a metaphor? In any event, how can you take steps if you are using wheels?). Sigh.

In other news, there is no one who has sparked my interest in the online dating arena of late. I do find it interesting, however, that the one person I am intrigued by these days has recently shown up there. It's tricky though. I don't have a picture posted on the dating site due to working in the public sector (let's face it - teachers have to be uber careful about that sort of thing - although I've noticed some have said screw it and thrown caution to the wind...perhaps it's more relaxed down here than it was in BC?) but he does. So I have the advantage of knowing who he is on there. Offline, I see him weekly in rehearsals but don't really have the opportunity to approach him - or a valid excuse to do so. And in my defense, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to start a conversation with someone you've never before spoken to and happen to be interested in in front of an audience of people who possibly DO know him. (I think the port is starting to take effect...is it just me or is my writing sounding rather convoluted right now? I'm seriously a lightweight (and mostly seldom) drinker). A male friend suggested I should send him an online message and get to know him that way without disclosing my identity unless he asked, but that seems creepy/deceitful to me...and potentially very awkward and embarrassing - what if the interest factor wasn't reciprocated and then I had to continue to see him every week?

Anyway...let's backtrack a bit to the potential interest, himself. I say potential because I don't really know anything about him except that he is super talented, seems quite intelligent, has a great smile, and I want to get to know him better. And then there is the part of me that thinks, "Seriously? Why bother? You are just getting to the place where you're totally comfortable being solo. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Don't mess with it. Mr. Right will pop out of the woodwork and find you when the time is right." Yet, I can't help wondering...does he wonder about me too?

I also find it interesting that my inbox has developed an empty echo lately. For awhile there I was having a hard time keeping up with the correspondence. Now it's as if the universe has intervened and decided that I am supposed to just be alone right now and figure everything else out. To just continue focusing on myself and being patient for the romantic aspect to come along whenever it will. It's odd.

In any event, I'm going to try boxing tomorrow with a friend. That should be entertaining and stress-relieving. Perhaps it will help vent some of these muddled thought processes and provide some clarity while releasing endorphins. Toodles for now!

Work Woes

OK. So I'm getting very stressed and frustrated because I am currently unemployed. I'm a teacher...and unfortunately unemployed teachers are a dime a dozen in St. John's. I figured I'd get my feet wet subbing and work my way into the system...but that's not happening. Things work differently here. Elsewhere I've lived and worked (sometimes subbing and sometimes in my own classroom under yearly term contracts), I've applied to the district, gotten on the sub list, and been guaranteed at least SOME time subbing under the rotational system (minus when I first came home and was subbing in rural NL...but I still managed to get decent classroom time out of that) and a fair crack at any available teaching positions (naturally, I was still behind anyone with more seniority or higher qualifications in terms of job postings). When I applied to the sub list in this district I was informed through the grapevine that the expectation here is that you also hand deliver your resume to any and all schools you wish to sub at and pick a handful to volunteer at for a few hours a week...all in the HOPE of getting a call to sub. So I did that (although I have to say I see a number of faults with that system...which is also NOT rotational and based solely on who you know and your ability to get into their good books as far as I can tell). I got dressed up, plastered a confident smile on my face and braved the weather (of course, it was windy and raining every time I went out to deliver resumes), I picked a couple of schools and have been going there and volunteering my services in and out of the classroom to whoever wants to make use of me - and so far? Nothing. Nada. Pas du tout!

And it's getting old. I am not a fan of having this much time on my hands to try and fill. I have ALWAYS been busy. I left high school and went straight to university and then left university and went straight to work. I'm sure most everyone realizes that being a student and being a teacher are both pretty time consuming roles to play. So I'm trying to broaden my horizons and see what else is out there...but I have no idea where to turn or what to do (other than recreational pursuits). My entire life has been centered around schools, it seems. I feel utterly dumbfounded when it comes to getting myself gainfully employed in other areas or even what areas I'd like to become gainfully employed in (and I'm starting to revisit the idea that perhaps teaching is not where it's at for me)! It's rather confusing...Do I seek further education to add to my bachelor's degrees (and how do I finance that? by tacking further debt onto my already existing student loan)? Do I branch out and do something totally different? Do I seek part-time employment that will allow me the flexibility to continue volunteering and perhaps snagging some sub time at some unknown point in the future? Do I go after a full-time job that will take away that option (and do I settle for just anything at this point or do I continue to look for something that will leave me with some satisfaction at the end of the day)? Is there a way I can become self-employed and make money off of my hobbies/talents/things I enjoy? And then there's pay...while I'm not exactly doing well at the moment and on the one hand some money is better than no money, on the other hand I'm not sure how I can go from the possibility of making decent money to the assurance of making much less and still find a way to make ends meet...if that makes sense. I guess the bottom line is I'm just feeling really scared and lost and hoping some divine opportunity or inspiration will fall into my lap and light my way through this dark, murky path I'm on...sooner rather than later would probably be best...

At the end of the day, I just really want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to be self-sufficient and feel good about what I do and how I spend my life. Is that so much to ask...? How on earth does everyone else make it in this city/province?

Standing at the Edge and Looking Down

It's amazing how a mood can change in mere seconds. I have managed to go from drowning in frustration induced blues mired in indecision to a sort of cautious, optimistic anticipation. I am still not past the dreaded murky waters, but I am approaching a precipice and am attempting to work up the nerve to take a life altering plunge (in more ways than one). I have a feeling 2010 will shape up to be a big year for me, even if it does get off to a slow start. After all these static months spent analyzing, wondering, and trying to sort out what feels like a myriad of convoluted decisions that need to be made, something's got to give.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend back in the fall. She pointed out that part of my problem may be that I had a life plan in my mind and I am panicking because that plan isn't working out the way I had hoped. So I am working on editing that plan, discarding some baggage, and minimizing the pressures I have placed on myself over the years in the process. It has taken a few months to convince myself that it is not a matter of life and death if I don't meet all the goals and deadlines I set for myself. Perhaps it is silly to even imagine that life would unfold that way just because I envisioned it and tried to work towards it....which just triggered another conversation I had with some different friends of mine while I was home this past summer. You just can't plan certain things. Sometimes the unexpected lands in your lap and you have to follow where it takes you and see where it leads. I am trying not to think about the alternative - that I will be one of those people who endures a boring existance and never finds the right direction to get where they want to go....

I know I will be ok no matter which path I choose (although the outcomes may be different). It's just a matter of taking that first step...

Any good vibes sent this way would be greatly appreciated. Meanwhile, I will be crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Wish me luck!

Ringing in the New Year

It is shaping up to be a pretty low key day - as I'm sure it is for a good portion of the population who are hungover today; a condition with which we, luckily, have not been afflicted. We are, however, lazing around and working on the last mounds of junk food contraband residing in our apartment after a late night and a (fairly) early rise.

The good news is, we were able to redeem the last moments of 2009 at the Jammies Extravaganza. I have to admit I was a little unsure what to expect going in, but it was exactly what I needed. We were, indeed, comfy in our PJ's (all of which were rated G) and there was a wealth of food, drink and laughter to go around. It was also our first introduction to Cranium (we'd heard about it, of course, but had never gotten the opportunity to play) and it was hilarious. I tried to keep the sketches my partner and I drew depicting "mad scientist" when we went up against each other in the art category, as I thought it was infinitely amusing (and rather eerie too, come to think of it!) that we drew exactly the same things in exactly the same order and arrangement (you know you've been spending too much time with someone when...) but they slipped out of my pocket at some point and went MIA, so you'll have to take my word for it. Suffice it to say, I am glad we decided to go and I am in a much better mood today.

One more thing that came out of the New Year's Eve soiree is that it gave me something to think about. Our lovely hostess from last night also happens to be involved with one of the local papers and mentioned that they may be hiring a reporter (I'm guessing this will be happening in the near future?). She says it would be a part time, supplemental type gig (which I would probably be able to incorporate into my life right now...the only trick would be working it around my partner's work as well since we share the car). Anyway, I've always toyed with the idea of writing for a paper (or any kind of published writing, really) but have never made a move to do it. The closest I have ever come was a couple of years ago when I contacted the editor of the other local paper to ask how one would go about writing for them...but when he came back to me with an email asking if I was interested in filling a need they had for a 'slice of life' column, I bolted. I don't know what it is, but I have always had such an inferiority complex and fear of failure- which is, of course, most pronounced in areas that require me to open myself up to others and put the fruits of my labour out there for all to see and judge. In light of that fact, I also have to admit that I have amazed myself on several occasions by being able to fight it enough to achieve certain things - such as a university education, a career that requires me to interact with the public on a regular basis and, more recently, dabbling in community theatre and choir.

But the written word? That has to be the hardest for me to face (next to singing on stage for an audience...that was a definite toughie to conquer...or at least beat into submission long enough to get through a few performances). It's sad, really. I grew up being so passionate about writing, but so afraid to share what I had written, and was never able to muster the courage to pursue it. It's become buried over the years, but the urge has always lingered somewhere in the back of my head and emerged from time to time, only to be ignored and laid back to rest. And part of it is practicality...I mean, aspiring writers are a dime a dozen, right? You have to be really good to survive and get anywhere. And for that, you most definitely have to be able to believe in yourself and TRY.

So, there's a really long-winded way of saying that I am considering that tidbit of information but am undecided as to what to do with it yet. On the one hand, it could be an opportunity to broaden my resume (the career search is at a bit of a standstill at the moment anyway...), but on the other it scares the hell out of me.

Oddly enough, the day before when the cable guy was here hooking up our new phone and Internet services, he happened to pitch me the idea of doing a show of some sort for the community channel. Apparently he used to be the producer and there is a definite shortage of material at the moment. I can honestly say that is not something I had ever considered doing. I currently have no ideas for a community cable show nor the first idea of how to put one together and make it happen. All the same, it's weird how these two opportunities appeared out of nowhere in such a short timespan. I have always envied people who are able to recognize any opportunity and turn it into a successful venture.

On that note, it has just occurred to me that I am thinking too much today and should probably give my brain a rest until tomorrow, at the very least. I have a few things that need to be accomplished today so I should probably go do them as I have taken the whole day off so far...

To quote from a friend's facebook status, "May the best of 2009 be the best of 2010"

Cheers, everyone!

Random Thoughts

1. I am so proud of myself today. I am almost finished my Christmas shopping, I worked out for the first time in ages (so wanting to get back into the routine, and so have not been able to since the decadent summer I enjoyed in Newfoundland), I took care of some stuff I have been wanting to do around the apartment, and I cooked and baked a bunch of stuff for the week. Yay me! (and that is my attempt at - to quote a dear friend of mine "shooting rainbows out my ass" today.)

2. H1N1 shot...indecision reigns. I have been doing a little research on the web and polling for opinions in other blogs and still have not come to any conclusions, except that the people who believe we should all be vaccinated really do express themselves quite vehemently! The thing is, I find it a little hard to separate the reality from the hype about this situation at times and, like all things, you could probably interpret the information several different ways depending on what you want to draw from it. One article I read had virtually convinced me to head out and have a needle jabbed in my arm and what I read from another had me thinking that there really was no need to do that, as H1N1's stats and behaviour are not a whole lot different than your garden variety seasonal flu. For those who are also still undecided, here are a couple of links to information dealing with the issue (I won't include all of the subjective blog posts I have perused):

http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/qa.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/vaccination/general.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/vaccination/vaccine_safety.htm
http://www.who.int/csr/disease/swineflu/en/
http://www.gov.bc.ca/h1n1/
http://www.healthlinkbc.ca/healthfiles/hfile108b.stm

3. Sigh...I am still playing the waiting game while searching for answers and exploring other avenues for jobs and locations. I am someone who likes to be prepared (halt! before those who know me can protest - procrastination and preparedness need not be mutually exclusive in my humble opinion!) and it is getting really annoying going from day to day and not knowing WHAT I am preparing for...I have packed up a bunch of stuff in case of a possible move, but I have no idea when and where we are going as of yet. We have been considering the north, but have not had any luck finding suitable jobs so far and we haven't been able to come up with a solid back up plan if that falls through. We just know that we don't plan on staying here forever and as much as it didn't make sense to move before when we didn't know where else we wanted to be, it also doesn't really make sense to stay here much longer if we don't intend to set down roots.

4. I was reading some articles from the local paper online and the comments that follow some of them are disgusting. I have to say, I was definitely not prepared for the level of racism that exists here. When I first moved to BC, I was expecting to find communities that appreciated the diversity of their citizens and excited to have an opportunity to learn about other cultures myself. The reality, I am finding, is much different. Specifically, I was - and still am - shocked at the tension that exists between natives and non-natives (on both sides), and have been in a few situations where it has made me more than a little uncomfortable. I am sure people with those types of mentalities exist throughout Canada and the world, but I got my first real exposure to it 4 years ago when I moved here and being hit in the face by it several times since has done nothing but disturb me more.

5. Just because a list of 4 things doesn't seem quite right...I am a little perplexed at my inability to produce a decent graham cracker crust....

At The Crossroads

Being an adult truly blows goats sometimes. There are a bunch of changes coming down the tubes lately (mostly intertwined, which tends to complicate matters), and I'm not sure if I am prepared for any of them. In fact, I am not even sure I can separate them enough to formulate a coherent account of the issues I am currently attempting to navigate my way around - either here OR at the personal sorting station inside my brain :s Nevertheless, I will attempt to outline a few in this entry (if only to wrap my own head around it once more)...It's all pretty basic stuff, I'm sure, but with my knack for making things more complicated and worrisome than they need to be, it's no wonder I feel like I am weaving my way through a beast-ridden jungle right now...

First and foremost, 29 is a few days away - which means 30 is lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce on me. I'm not sure it is something I could ever be ready for, but it boggles my mind to no end to contemplate all the things I wanted to see/do/accomplish before that benchmark age. Following that up with an attempt to figure out the logistics of checking them off my list and facing the dawning reality of how much time I actually have left in which to realize those dreams with an expiry date is rather daunting in itself, all other considerations aside.

Secondly, I am seriously debating my chosen career (have been for a while) and am currently weighing my options. It's a confusing and frustrating process at times, needless to say, and I really fail to see an endless stream of possibilities outside my door. Not to mention that when an adult contemplates these things, he/she not only has to figure out "what do I want?" and "how much time do I have?," but also take into consideration "what can I afford?," which will dictate what is acceptable in terms of salary, further schooling/training, etc. when weighed against current finances as well as present and future quality of life. In the meantime, said adult (in this case, moi) needs to keep afloat financially...which in my case means a continuation/waiting game of sorts in my current career coupled with an intensive job search on the side for solutions unknown.

Which brings us to the third conundrum...where does one find the solutions to all those ponderings? There is a ceaseless brain wracking, question asking, information seeking and running around in circles that follows these questions around in the adult world (or in my brain anyway). I am searching for ways to work these things into a (preferably better than) satisfactory outcome, but also have to factor in the fact that I am, at the moment, far away from my entire social network and not wanting to set down permanent roots in the place in which I have been residing for the past 3 years (although I have been working on a few temporary ones in the past year or so). I am debating a move...but where? I have been focusing on one place in particular at present. A place which I have never visited, is also far away from familiar surroundings and devoid of all present social connections but one, and poses many other definite challenges of its own.

I'm sure by now you get my drift...I'm a freak and I think things to death. I'll shut up now. In the meantime, I am continuing to float around restlessly in limbo, wishing for psychic abilities that would allow me to explore all the possibilities presented by each path I could take, risk free!

That's some pretty freaky shit right there...Seriously...how much simpler was life when I was half my age?

On another (related or unrelated - depending on how you look at it) note, I am experiencing a wave of homesickness tonight and spent hours scouring YouTube for videos of familiar and comforting sights and sounds. It's tough being a fish out of water sometimes, even if you do adapt to life on land...