Relief

Journal has turned up safe and sound. I am one very relieved and thankful girl. Lesson reaffirmed: trust in myself. I may overlook things once in a while (such as checking the same place 3 times before finding my precious soul extension), but I'm not careless enough to leave it somewhere it's depths could be plundered.

Panic

So I was going to write in my journal today...and then I realized that it is evidently on the missing list. NOT GOOD. My mind is racing, trying to think of where it may be. It's not like me to be careless with something so personal and revealing. That book chronicles my experiences and details my innermost thoughts and feelings...it's like an extension of my soul. I shudder to think who may read and what they may discover and am praying it turns up somewhere in my apartment, safe from prying eyes...

In other news, I blew the quit plan to smithereens and I have two days left before the 10th. The addiction is starting to play with my brain. It's trying to convince me to make deals with myself that I know I will break.  I'm reaching deep inside to find the necessary resolve and rise above it.

Wish me luck, on both counts!

Strange Propositions

A couple of days ago I got a message on the dating site...it was an offer to strip for me...or for me and my friends, if I'd prefer - for free, of course...the fulfillment of someone else's fantasy. I started to reflect on other questions and offers I've received over the past - what? - year now. There was the request to be in a threesome with a man and his wife, the query as to whether I'd be down with gagging a man with my bare hands, the countless married or otherwise attached men looking for discreet fun, the man who told me to run in the other direction because he is addicted to porn...and on and on...Which got me thinking: do the people who share these things so quickly with random strangers ever actually intend to act on them? Or is the thrill in the shock value of the message itself and the possibility of some online interaction based around the imagined scenario? Seriously...Newfoundland and St. John's are not exactly big, densely populated places. Chances are, if you acted on those things you wouldn't be able to keep the encounters anonymous or secret for long, if at all. People might want to consider that before sharing too much info on the net...just sayin'...

Unexpected Information

Something a little bizarre happened to me over the weekend...my ex's ex (who I do not know) contacted me on facebook. This would be the ex I left in BC and his ex would be the woman I thought he had married (apparently they were never married and it was a bit of a hoax/trial period thing that had been her idea...which I think is a little strange, but whatever).

Anyway, for some reason this woman felt the need to regale me with the details of their relationship and all her complaints about him...it really means nothing to me, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on him nonetheless. What did piss me off a bit, though, was that he has apparently been telling people he is broke because he paid for my university and that he broke up with me because I wanted more commitment and he wouldn't give it. Um...yeah...about that...total BS....x1000. I did feel the need to set her straight there, although she said she was inclined to believe it was all the other way around with the way he had behaved with her and she totally understood why I had moved across the country...

I was also a little shocked about his behaviour - apparently he fought with her in front of her son - which is totally not cool - and took pot shots at her weight and her business when they broke up, among other things. Wow. It all made me even more glad I'm totally distanced from it all and that I handled myself with dignity and class throughout that break up, no matter what he has chosen to do or say. I mean, I'm not a saint by any means, but I think I conducted myself well, considering, and I didn't exactly go blabbing about all the skeletons I found in his closet or anything like that.

I think I should mention here for fairness sake that I don't by any means take this woman's words to be the gospel (after all, I don't know her at all and can't vouch for her character)...I'm sure the truth lies somewhere between her version and his version - which I really don't care to get - and that he does have his good points (obviously, or neither of us would have given him a chance).

I was a little concerned that perhaps our mutual friends had been fed BS as well (I've avoided talking to them about anything concerning him or us), but one of those friends put my mind at ease when I mentioned that I'd heard from his ex and she had told me some untruths he had said about me/our relationship. She (the mutual friend) informed me that my ex has actually separated from all but one of our mutual friends for the most part, and that people are getting fed up with him and his victim mentality.

So I guess my silence didn't really have an effect either way...it just allowed him to show himself for what he was without me saying a word. Much more effective. I just hope the one friend he still has regular contact with isn't being taken advantage of...but that's not my business either. She's a grown woman and if that is the case she needs to figure it out and put a stop to it herself without warnings or interference from me.

And even more strange...I was right when I thought I may have taught this woman's son (the ex's ex). She told me she had met me when I was subbing in his class last year (I'd been in there for a couple of weeks). Strange coincidence to wrap my head around, indeed.

Yep, the universe works in mysterious ways. This woman answered questions for me that I had long since given up on having answered without my even asking...and she further confirmed that I never knew him, despite the close to 6 years we spent together and that I had been even more naive and gullible than I had previously come to realize. Scary thoughts. But, again - here's to learning and growing...and good riddance to bad rubbish! I don't wish the man harm (in fact I hope he smartens up and does alright for himself and finds happiness), but I am so, so, so thankful he is no longer a part of my life. A very big thank you to all the forces that pulled me out of that situation, for sure!

Easy Come, Easy Go

The good guy did, indeed, get spooked. We met for coffee and he fed me a line about not really having time for anyone right now and wanting to let me know that I can go ahead and explore my other options instead of waiting for something from him that may not be coming. Oh boy. Where to start? First off, while that may be plausible, he was making all kinds of time to try and see me so I know I scared him and that's what spurred this. Secondly, he did go about it in a very mature, considerate, and admirable way and I respect and appreciate that. And thirdly, whoeverl said I was going to stop being open to meeting other people while waiting around for something from him? I think I've already learned my lesson there tenfold!

I'm also glad to report that my resiliency has apparently been heightened much more than I realized...I'm pretty much over the whole thing with the cheater already. I let myself have a little cry about it over the weekend, but that was it. There was a time when I would have been crushed over this forevermore. It's so good to know that I'm getting a little smarter and a little stronger every day. Granted, there are still aspects of the whole situation that I wonder about but I know that all I'm really required to understand is that he is a deceitful jerk. I wasn't the first, I won't be the last, and I can't look out for his girlfriend. I did my part by giving her the information. What she decided to do with it is her concern. He doesn't get to play me anymore, and that is what matters. I did decide to send him one very concise message and say what I needed to say to him, though. There were no questions or accusations and I didn't call him names or rant about how angry I was or how much he'd hurt me or anything of that sort - what would be the point? He doesn't care about any of that, anyway, and I'm not about being immature, wasting energy, or giving him power over me. But I found a way to get myself some closure by speaking to him on a level that he will hear and understand.

In the meantime, it also didn't take long for new prospects to pop up and take the place of those now stricken from my list of potential dates. It's amusing, really, when you look at it. I got an email out of the blue from a guy I haven't heard from in weeks, inviting me to dinner this past weekend...or was it the weekend before? Have I mentioned this already? Anyway, I declined...but I'm wondering what I have to lose by actually taking him up on it. You never know, right? I also got a facebook message from another guy I haven't heard from in forever...his story is a little different though. We had been chatting for a bit but hadn't actually met when he got himself a girlfriend...they broke up recently and now I'm looking like a good candidate for a rebound, I suppose. After all, we've already been in contact so that lessens the work required, right? There is also a new 26 year old (seems to be a popular age these days) who contacted me on the dating site (well, there have been others as well, but he is in the lead so far by way of being able to compose actual sentences complete with proper spelling and punctuation. The grammar I can forgive somewhat, as I take liberties with it myself from time to time). It's nice that he seems very forthcoming with information about himself so far, but at the same time, his messages are all about offering detailed information I haven't requested and not really asking much about me. Hmm...

On another note, yesterday I felt a euphoria I haven't experienced in some time and it was awesome. The littlest things sometimes make all the difference to a day, I have to say. This was initiated first by running into my best friend unexpectedly after a brutally exhausting day teaching a particularly demanding primary class. I then came home, checked my phone, and got voicemail from an assistant principal who was looking to book me for Thursday and Friday. And in those moments, I was just so incredibly happy and thankful. The sun was shining and I got in my car and drove across town with the biggest beaming smile on my face, revelling in the freedom and lightness I was experiencing inside...and it wasn't only work, money, and friendship related.

At the risk of rambling and coming across as a total crackpot, I will attempt to describe and explain:

I started reflecting on recent events and it seemed to me that the universe has, indeed, decided to start aligning things in my path. A friend of mine has been telling me for months that I am going places and I actually do feel that in my soul and in my bones from time to time. Yesterday it was strong...it felt as though the things I want are getting closer to my reach. That I am on the right path. That I have been making the right choices and have finally solidified myself, in a sense. I know who I am and I embrace it...all of me, not just pieces. In fact, I love me and I'm very proud of me. I am more myself than I have ever been and that has taken a lifetime to accomplish. I cannot begin to tell you how far I've come from being the shy, nervous, scared, insecure girl with zero confidence that I was...gullible, naive, unable to look in the mirror, afraid to stand up for herself...to the woman I am today. It's been quite a transformation and it was a very long and bumpy road, but it is SO GOOD to finally be here with so much more strength and awareness and self-worth. I actually felt yesterday that I was being rewarded for finally being true to myself...for opening, seeing, appreciating, learning, growing, and taking action in my life in so many ways after being somehow stagnant for what felt like an eternity. For being able to take a hit, deal with it quickly and effectively in a way that I'm satisfied with, and let go. For doing the right thing. And I have to admit, it also felt damned liberating and uplifting - refreshing! - to realize that I wasn't stewing or pining or even really genuinely INTERESTED in any man right now. Yep...I'm definitely getting there!

Amongst The Ashes

The cheater signed onto the online dating site yesterday at the same time I was logged in and I saw that he closed his account. For some reason, that messed me up as much as when I first discovered he may have a girlfriend. I guess it just set off a chain of thoughts wondering what had happened after I'd given the girlfriend the heads up. I started to ponder whether I'd gone about things the right way...whether I should have confronted him myself as well instead of letting the girlfriend have the satisfaction (for lack of a better word) all to herself (although that's a toss up because blindsiding him had it's perks as well), whether I should have offered proof (which I have) other than my word, whether I should have asked her to call me instead of giving snippets of information online, whether she actually left him or decided to stay, what his thoughts had been once he realized what I'd done...and on and on. It was a vicious, fruitless, cycle but I couldn't help it. It just made me relive my own experience in her shoes and mull over my own course of action at that time and how I learned the hard way that it wasn't the way to go. Having my ex show me his accounts and close/delete them (the dating profile plus numerous email addresses) in front of me proved nothing. Nor did him giving me the password to his one remaining account. Because, as I realized once the anger and hurt and disgust subsided enough to allow rational thought, he could go ahead and set up a bunch of other ones at any time and I would never know. So it was a pointless, futile exercise and did nothing to restore my trust and faith in him. It took years to piece some of that trust and faith back together, and it was never quite whole again...the littlest things triggered doubts and suspicions sometimes, which was followed by the ceaseless internal battle: was I being paranoid out of my fear of being burned again or were my instincts trying to tell me something still wasn't right? I should have stuck to my initial reaction - I already had his bags packed by the time he got home, after all.

I have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing and that whatever happened afterwards has nothing to do with me and has no bearing on my life. You can only lead a horse to water...you can't make it drink. I wonder what she'd think if she knew he told me he's never been in love...or whether he was able to talk himself out of the fact that he told me he'd had sex with an ex recently and had been seeing someone this past summer...? The bottom line is I gave her enough information to bury him. What she decides to do with it is out of my hands. I admit, I was really hoping the S.O.B would end up miserable and alone out of it, but again, what would it matter? Firstly, someone who could be the way he was with me while having a long term girlfriend the whole time obviously has no conscience and probably no heart, either. Secondly, as a friend of mine pointed out, being in a relationship and cheating on the person he's with kinda makes him as alone as you can get already. And as I realized myself, he is such a smooth operator that any alone time most likely wouldn't last long anyways. He'd be back on the horse and making new victims in no time. I wanted to believe him up to the very end because I liked him so much and didn't want to shatter the illusion of who I thought he was and the potential of what we could possibly have, so I can only imagine how much worse that must be for her, having been with him for a longer period of time and invested so much into the relationship already. I'm thankful that I found out before I got too emotionally involved myself. It's always better to find out someone is not to be trusted sooner rather than later. The sad things is, despite everything, part of me will miss him...well, miss who I thought he was anyway...the witty, intelligent, funny guy I conversed and bantered with daily and who I happened to share some mad physical attraction and chemistry with as well. Of course, all I have to do is remind myself that he is a lying, cheating, manipulating jerk who played me as well as his girlfriend and that dissipates quite a bit. I'm sure I'll get over this pretty quickly. If nothing else, he doesn't deserve my thoughts and energy.

On another note, I was overtired last night and said something I shouldn't have to the (so far, apparently) super nice new guy...I hope it doesn't have too big of an impact. It would suck if he is legitimately a good guy and being messed up over a jerk caused me to scare him off...

...and because it does such a good job of expressing the thoughts and emotions experienced by the parties navigating these types of situations, I leave you with:

Busted

The air has been cleared in a sense...I had a conversation with the skilled liar/cheat/manipulator's girlfriend and informed her of what I knew (the basic facts, minus hurtful details) and the role I had unwittingly played in his deception. He picked the wrong girl to lie to, this time. I would love to be a fly on the wall for what happens next, but all I can do is hope she is smarter than I was in my past relationship and leaves right away instead of giving him the opportunity to "learn from his mistakes" (ie hone his skills) and do it again without getting caught. Either way, I did what I could to right the wrong and I suppose I will just have to be satisfied with that. She did make a comment to the effect that he is now single, however. I have to say, I'm very sorry that someone got hurt (well myself and the girlfriend, to be exact... I'm not sure whether he actually has a heart.) but I also have to admit that there is a certain grim, smug (bitter?) satisfaction that comes from playing the player. How DARE he insult my intelligence and take advantage of my trusting nature. It's just a sad realization that while I may have put the kibosh on his current activities (maybe, perhaps...), he will most likely go on to do this to other women in the future. You know what they say..."Once a cheater..."

Restlessness and Ramblings

I'm currently sitting on my couch feeling rather restless. I'm not quite sure what to be doing with myself at the moment. I am not a fan of that feeling...so, but of course, I turned to writing.

I worked everyday this week and will be working again tomorrow, which is awesome. Today was a bit of a challenge, but I got through it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Either way, it's just good to be working, feeling useful, and making money.

...and I just got distracted by an article on the NTV news...someone bought a lock of Justin Bieber's hair for $40 000. Are you freaking kidding me? That's insane! Bonus for the charity the money is going to, I suppose, but I cannot understand how/why people would throw money around like that on something so silly. Why in the world would you want a lock of Justin Bieber's hair?!?!? It's beyond me...

Back to my world...the latest unwanted drama has become a waiting game and I am wondering how it will turn out. My stomach is in knots in the meantime. It's so hard to wait when you just want something to be resolved so you can let it go and be done with it. I suppose I could just ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. I've been on the reverse side of this situation - existing in the midst of so many lies and so much suspicion with eyes half open for so long, hoping against hope that I was wrong. The feeling/sensing but not knowing was an extended mental and emotional torture I could have done without. I hope I go about this the right way...

I also recently met one of the nicest guys who has ever crossed my path...at least that's what he appears to be so far. Only time will tell if that is a legitimate impression. I hope it is...whether it goes anywhere or not. It would just be nice to know there are some legitimately good guys out there. Yes, I'm feeling a little bitter and disillusioned at the moment...

Where There's One Lie...

Again, I will state that I would make a damn fine detective. And that my instincts are pretty good, even if I do reserve judgment and give people a chance - a lot of the time more than they deserve. As is the case here, folks. Remember the little white lies I mentioned previously? Well a little careful observation and browsing facebook et voila - it appears the liar in question WAS covering up something more. Like the fact that he's in a relationship....and has been seeing me (albeit casually). Now, the question is how to handle this information. I am one angry lady at the moment, but I think I will sleep on it and decide later what shall be done. This man once told me that he got the vibe that I am potentially dangerous...I am tempted to prove him right.

I am extremely disappointed. In so many ways, and on so many levels...

Infidelity

So over the past few months I have added a bunch of guys from the online dating site to my MSN in order to chat and get to know them better. No surprise there. And I've heard that there are a lot of cheaters out there who use this avenue to drum up affairs. But I hadn't experienced it myself (knowingly, at least) until a couple of nights ago (well...unless you count the random message I got on the dating site itself a few weeks ago asking if I'd like to have a threesome with some guy and his wife - but I'm assuming wifey is in on that...unless the guy plans on having unexplained girls pop up in their bed, which I'm sure would be interesting but probably not go over well).

Getting back to my story, though, I had chatted with this guy...we'll call him M...a few times and found that the conversation was pretty good. He is also a fellow teacher and so was able to relate to me that way and offer some suggestions on how to improve my current job situation. Anyway, I commented on the fact that he is rather vague about certain things and made a joke about him being paranoid, etc. He denied the paranoia, but pointed out the fact that I had forgotten the possibility that perhaps he is married and didn't want me to know. So I asked, point blank, "Are you married?" and was shocked when the response came back, "Yes."

I don't know why, but that never ceases to blow my mind. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I cannot wrap my head around why or how people can do that sort of thing - although it happens all the time. Admittedly, there have been a couple of occasions when I was tempted but I never even came close to going through with it, despite being unhappy in the relationships I was in at the time. I am of the opinion that if you are not happy with someone and can't work through things then you should part ways and give each other a fresh chance at happiness. In the meantime, if you are together then you are together - that means you don't disrespect and betray them by being unfaithful...for obvious, and numerous, reasons.

M claimed that he has been married a few years, loves his wife, and has never cheated on her. He said they used to have a great sex life but that they aren't able to have sex anymore. He also said that he is happy most of the time, but that he doesn't know what will happen to the relationship in future (although he has no intention of leaving). Yet he admitted that his intention in contacting me was to try and meet me and have sex with me. M also expected me to believe that I was the only woman he was talking to from the dating site (well, M, I'm sorry to inform you that your MSN profile tells another story) and that it had taken him a couple of months to work up the nerve to send me a message due to the factors of guilt and intimidation.

Anyway, obviously that revelation changed everything and caused a lot of questions and turmoil within me for a short time. I asked him a bunch of things in an effort to understand his thinking (don't ask why - it's just how I am. I like to understand things, whether I agree with them or not). Part of me was disappointed that he was no longer a potential candidate on my dating list (although thank God on the other hand because he's certainly not the type of man I'd want to be involved with) and that my morals would no longer justify me talking to him. Part of me was reminded of finding my ex-boyfriend's profile on a dating site and being devastated over the whole ordeal. Yet another part of me sympathized with him about having a less than satisfactory sex life, which I experienced in one of my previous relationships as well and which was certainly not easy. I told myself at the time that it wasn't as important as all the other aspects of the relationship, but I also promised myself when I got out that I would NEVER sacrifice that again. Mostly, though, I just felt bad for his wife, who had apparently gone to bed early feeling sick, which had allowed him to get online and talk to me (of course, I didn't know that at the outset of the conversation).

I guess the bottom line is that this sort of thing gives one a lot to think about in terms of trust and commitment, secrecy and lies. I could go on and on about how you never really know someone, or about how you have to trust until you have a reason not to...I could wax poetic about the need to trust your instincts or how things have a way of coming out in the wash...but I'm sure you can ponder all those things by yourself without my aid - and most likely already have at some point or another.

The Tangled Webs We See

This has been a very weird month for me so far. One man I dated suddenly updated his facebook status to say that he is in a relationship after I had not talked to him in a few days, which left me wondering...hmmm...when did that occur? Does he work really fast or was he seeing her while he was seeing me? Does she know he still checks his online dating account? Or that he even has one?

It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...

What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.

As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.

I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.

I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral dilemma...no doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.

There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.