Try as I might, I can't seem to stay fully in the light. I haven't had a call for work since last Sunday...that's over two weeks. Doubts are creeping in. It's hard to stay positive in the face of no work. Which makes me think it may be time to start thinking and evaluating options again. The scale finally moved. I am down 0.6 today. Ironic, since I binged on Moo Moo's and buttered light rye last night when the rehearsal I'd been looking forward to since last week was cancelled unexpectedly and I was bummed out. I guess we all have ups and downs and this is one of my downs...but maybe it is up to me how far down I allow myself to go. I'm aiming for not far. I much prefer the feeling of being lit up from within. I just need to find it again and hang on for dear life.
In the meantime, is it too much to ask for a visit from the work fairy and the love fairy? That would be ideal! Much as I have been working on myself and my life, I feel like I'm still waiting on both of those to arrive. I try not to focus on it (and for a while I didn't even think about it), but it's still there. What do I need to do to fill those voids completely? Maybe I'm missing my friend or the last guy I was dating (who also started out as a friend and who I sometimes wish had stayed that way)...or maybe I'm just experiencing a lack of Vitamin D. Who the hell knows...Let's just hope it gets better again quickly, shall we?
Showing posts with label uncertainty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label uncertainty. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Sunday, November 13, 2011
A Long Overdue Update
October was craziness, pure and simple. I was finishing up my work contract and it consumed my life. I was also sorting through the remnants of what happened with the last Mr. Not So Spectacular. I'm happy to say I got past it entirely, finally.
November has been busy for a different reason. I've been back in town; catching up with friends and family and dating up a storm, as well as trying to set myself up for future work. I've met a couple of interesting guys, but I'm not sure if anything will go anywhere and, frankly, I don't care one way or the other at this point. Whatever happens, happens. I am getting better at weeding out the ones who are not what I'm looking for, so that's a plus.
In other news, I've also booked a long overdue trip off this island. I'll be meeting my cousin in New York for 5 days in May. Should be fun.
It's hard to be back in this boat - unemployed and uncertain of anything from day to day (the two month replacement was nice in that at least I knew what was going on in that time frame). I am keeping my fingers crossed and starting to send up some prayers that I hope will be answered, favourably, in the not too distant future.
November has been busy for a different reason. I've been back in town; catching up with friends and family and dating up a storm, as well as trying to set myself up for future work. I've met a couple of interesting guys, but I'm not sure if anything will go anywhere and, frankly, I don't care one way or the other at this point. Whatever happens, happens. I am getting better at weeding out the ones who are not what I'm looking for, so that's a plus.
In other news, I've also booked a long overdue trip off this island. I'll be meeting my cousin in New York for 5 days in May. Should be fun.
It's hard to be back in this boat - unemployed and uncertain of anything from day to day (the two month replacement was nice in that at least I knew what was going on in that time frame). I am keeping my fingers crossed and starting to send up some prayers that I hope will be answered, favourably, in the not too distant future.
Friday, August 12, 2011
Whirlwind
The past two weeks have flown by. So much has happened and I have barely had any time to think...At the crux of this time and need for processing is the fact that I have met someone...the new new guy...the old new guy sort of disappeared without a trace or an explanation. He went on vacation to his family home with the message that he would be in contact and was looking forward to getting together with me again when he got back. And that was the last I heard of him. It's been about 2 weeks.
2 weeks ago today I went to a get together my cousin and her husband were having (they were home on vacation as well). Her brother in law was there and the attraction was instantaneous and mutual...which neither of us realized until the next day when my cousin spoke to him and later gave me his number to contact him (apparently he was kicking himself for not approaching me and didn't believe her when she said I had felt the same).
To make a long story short, we got in contact and haven't stopped talking since. We've gone on a number of dates and spent some incredible time together. We get each other. There is something insanely powerful between us and we both feel as if we've known each other for years. I could go on and on, but you get the point. It's amazing.
There is, however, a problem (of course). He moved back to the island in May with the promise to his then girlfriend of 7 years that she could take her time and decide whether or not to move here with him. She changed her mind one way and the other a few times and so he told her that in the interim perhaps they should just behave as if they were both single.
...and then he met me. He was upfront and honest with me from the get-go and neither of us expected this connection or these feelings. It's hard. We have both talked about waiting until he knows what's what vs enjoying each other while we can. My pride is hurting. He is torn. It's a mess. I have no idea what is going to happen or when I will know. I am kicking myself for being in this situation. But I wonder if I would kick myself more if I said goodbye. He has contacted her and told her that she needs to decide what she's doing because he needs to move on with his life either way, but he feels that he owes it to her to try if she wants to after so much time together. I cannot justify spending time with someone and growing feelings for each other when everything hinges on what a third party decides. He isn't choosing me right now...which makes me a very stupid girl for sticking around. But this feels like it may be a once in a lifetime thing. How do I walk away from that before I have to? And how can he stay on a string for someone else when he feels the same? My cousin is convinced he is in love with us both. I am inclined to agree, although the words have not been spoken...and I could very easily let myself go and fall in love with him as well but I am holding back in a futile attempt to protect myself while still enjoying his company. The feelings are there but I hesitate to acknowledge or label them. So for now it's a day at a time until I figure out what I need to say and do to reconcile everything for myself and be OK. In the meantime, who knows what her decision will be or when she will deliver it? Sigh...the universe certainly works in strange, mysterious and frustrating ways sometimes...
There is one thing I do know...everything for a reason. If he isn't my happily ever after (and I don't see how he could be given the situation, although it certainly feels like it has the potential to go that way) then it only means we were meant to learn something from each other and there is something better waiting for us both down the road. I am thankful for the time we have spent together and for being given this opportunity to get to know each other. I have no regrets so far and neither does he. I hope it stays that way.
Monday, June 13, 2011
The Battle of Head Vs Heart
I've been thinking of him a lot today. The Labradorian. The urge to call him tonight was so strong that I went as far as to look up his number online (I had purposely deleted all his contact information along with removing him from my facebook friends list weeks ago. The intent was to obliterate all temptation to reach out to him. I wanted to erase the sick feeling seeing his name and face engendered in me after I came to the realization that things weren't as they had been between us. Who needs constant reminders of disappointment like that?). I fought it. But it was hard. And he's still on my mind.
It's a little embarrassing to admit that I kept our correspondence (along with one of the voicemail messages he left me...how pathetic is that?). I haven't been able to bring myself to delete it yet and tonight was the first time I allowed myself to reread some of the emails. Probably not a good idea, in retrospect. But I knew that before I started to read (sucker for punishment much?).
I did the math and realized that it's been 6 weeks since the last message. It was one I wrote to him...one that he didn't respond to. And that sent a message of it's own, loud and clear. It's part of the reason I didn't pick up the phone in the end. If he wanted to talk to me he could've called or emailed. He didn't. So why subject myself to further rejection and embarrassment? Why give him the ammunition to take another shot at my pride? I know what I would say to a friend if she was in my position. Somehow that is cold comfort. Yet it is also the thought of appearing weak and stupid in my friends eyes that also halted my hand in it's tracks when it was itching to reach for the receiver. I don't think any of them would actually say that to me, but I wonder if they would think it. I might.
This is relatively new territory for me. Usually if I do get the notion to contact someone like that, it goes away almost as quickly as it came or I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly, at least. Not so in this case. I keep wanting to believe he was different. And the psychic the other day didn't help. He (the psychic) said that The Labradorian was a very pleasant man and that our conversations had been good (tell me something I don't know). He said that The Labradorian might be the one and then again maybe not (vague and inconclusive, I know, but enough to replant the seed of longing somewhat). He said that it couldn't hurt to contact The Labradorian...that if he is The One, things will pan out and if he isn't then they won't go anywhere (genius, no?).
As I said before, I'm not even sure how much I buy into psychic readings and whatnot...but it was enough to up the amount The Labradorian has been on my mind again and to make me start pondering everything again...not that I ever really stopped. Is it just loneliness and lack of another interest that continually brings him to the forefront of my mind and makes me wonder how he's doing and whether he thinks of me? Is that the driving force behind this desire to hear his voice? Is it just that the silly, typical, good girl part of me is wondering whether I did something wrong to cause this and whether there is a way to fix it? Or is it more than that? Should I take a risk? Or should I just give my head a shake and reaffirm (once again) that he obviously was not the right one and isn't worth my time, thoughts, or energy anymore?
I guess I'll resort to doing what I've been doing off and on for the past 6 weeks whenever it's cropped up...sit with it for another night while simultaneously trying to shove it out of my consciousness...but I won't deny that I hope fate decides to put us in the same place sometime just to see what would happen...
There are times when I think that, in some ways, it might actually be better to be a man...
It's a little embarrassing to admit that I kept our correspondence (along with one of the voicemail messages he left me...how pathetic is that?). I haven't been able to bring myself to delete it yet and tonight was the first time I allowed myself to reread some of the emails. Probably not a good idea, in retrospect. But I knew that before I started to read (sucker for punishment much?).
I did the math and realized that it's been 6 weeks since the last message. It was one I wrote to him...one that he didn't respond to. And that sent a message of it's own, loud and clear. It's part of the reason I didn't pick up the phone in the end. If he wanted to talk to me he could've called or emailed. He didn't. So why subject myself to further rejection and embarrassment? Why give him the ammunition to take another shot at my pride? I know what I would say to a friend if she was in my position. Somehow that is cold comfort. Yet it is also the thought of appearing weak and stupid in my friends eyes that also halted my hand in it's tracks when it was itching to reach for the receiver. I don't think any of them would actually say that to me, but I wonder if they would think it. I might.
This is relatively new territory for me. Usually if I do get the notion to contact someone like that, it goes away almost as quickly as it came or I can talk myself out of it fairly quickly, at least. Not so in this case. I keep wanting to believe he was different. And the psychic the other day didn't help. He (the psychic) said that The Labradorian was a very pleasant man and that our conversations had been good (tell me something I don't know). He said that The Labradorian might be the one and then again maybe not (vague and inconclusive, I know, but enough to replant the seed of longing somewhat). He said that it couldn't hurt to contact The Labradorian...that if he is The One, things will pan out and if he isn't then they won't go anywhere (genius, no?).
As I said before, I'm not even sure how much I buy into psychic readings and whatnot...but it was enough to up the amount The Labradorian has been on my mind again and to make me start pondering everything again...not that I ever really stopped. Is it just loneliness and lack of another interest that continually brings him to the forefront of my mind and makes me wonder how he's doing and whether he thinks of me? Is that the driving force behind this desire to hear his voice? Is it just that the silly, typical, good girl part of me is wondering whether I did something wrong to cause this and whether there is a way to fix it? Or is it more than that? Should I take a risk? Or should I just give my head a shake and reaffirm (once again) that he obviously was not the right one and isn't worth my time, thoughts, or energy anymore?
I guess I'll resort to doing what I've been doing off and on for the past 6 weeks whenever it's cropped up...sit with it for another night while simultaneously trying to shove it out of my consciousness...but I won't deny that I hope fate decides to put us in the same place sometime just to see what would happen...
There are times when I think that, in some ways, it might actually be better to be a man...
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Respites In Lieu of Remedies
So I feel like all I've done lately (on here especially) is whine and complain. This is my attempt to remedy that a little... I went for a walk in Bowring Park today. I did part of the South Brook trail and the loop between the duck ponds a couple of times as well. It took everything I had to get through the door, but I'm so glad I went. My only regret is that I didn't think to bring my camera (so I may cheat and post an old pic of the park if I can find one on my external drive later). It was glorious. The wind in my hair and the sun on my face, the babbling brooks and shade speckled forest floor, the birds flitting here and there, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds, the beautiful tulips....I really did my best to drink it all in and appreciate every aspect of the incredible gift of nature. I reminded myself that I am lucky and blessed just to be able to go for a walk, by myself, in that kind of setting. I smiled at everyone I passed...at first I faked it, but by the end I think they were actually genuine. I suppose that's something. And now, after returning home and making an omelette for lunch, I am thankful to find that my spirits have been buoyed for the time being. I feel...not happy and carefree and not as if things have meaning again and I have a purpose...but OK. Calm. Grateful for the little things. The flu that has been preventing me from being active and getting exercise seems to be getting better and so that should help. Nothing like breaking a sweat to help keep stress and anxiety in check. Anyway...time to go attempt some productivity and hopefully tonight get out and do something social or at least take in a movie with a friend...we shall see...
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Seeking Solace
What do you do when your world has been in shambles around your feet for longer than you anticipated? Where do you turn? How do you fill the void? They say the greatest growth occurs when we are tested...either mine has been stunted or I'm so lost right now that I don't remember how. I feel trapped in this empty place where I am frustrated and unfulfilled. I want to put myself on the right track, but I'll be damned if I know what that is anymore...if I ever did. Nothing brings comfort at this point. I see no point in anything anymore and I ache. I guess the only thing to do is to keep moving and trying to rebuild...but I'm tired. I am so tired of waiting and trying to be patient. I am so tired of feeling unsatisfied. I hope and I wish and I pray, but nothing seems to change. They say you must be the change you want to see in the world...or something like that...where has my motivation gone? What can I try that I haven't already? Who can I talk to? Where can I go? How do I make things the way I want them? Do I even know what that looks like anymore? When is this going to get better.....?
Thursday, May 26, 2011
Boredom Reigns
OK, so boredom won out and I finally opened another dating account. What the hell was I thinking? It's pointless, really, but the real world hasn't seen fit to throw anything or anyone interesting or exciting my way in a while. However, my guard is up and my hopes are down in terms of what I will encounter there. I guess sometimes it's just about survival and whatever gets you through. The smoking as been an uphill battle. I am hovering at about 5-7 a day most days. Could be worse, I suppose, but could most definitely also be better. The weight has started to climb again as well, I think. I'm half afraid to check. I would really like it to go down and stay down. I've been sick for the past week and a half as well, so that isn't helping. On the bright side, I've been getting pretty steady work...but it won't be enough to keep me afloat for the summer and I've been seriously stressed contemplating that. However, I also realize there's nothing I can do about it at this point until the school year ends for various reasons. It's disheartening to be applying for positions all over the island and not getting any responses whatsoever. But despite the probable negative tone of this post, I am actually feeling more unaffected than upset by all this at the moment. It would just be nice to have some stability and certainty...and life really does get boring and lonely sometimes. I miss being on the stage. And I miss having someone to love and being loved in return...well I suppose I was loved in return. Who knows anymore with everything that's come out in the wash. Just anyone won't do though. I really don't have it in me to date for the hell of it right now. I want something with substance and potential or nothing at all. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be nothing at all for a long time to come. I hope it gets easier. There are times I feel fine and strong and could care less that I am alone. There are times I thoroughly embrace it. There are also times when I feel a gaping hole in my soul and in my life that I am unable to fill. I want more out of my time on earth than this...
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Doldrums
I haven't written anything in a long time...not even in my journal. I'm not quite sure why that is except that I don't have much to say these days as there is not much going on in my world on the surface. Things are pretty boring and quiet. I'm kind of panicked about the work situation, as the school year is winding down and I am not EI eligible at present, so I have no safety net. I'm still in central crossing my fingers and currently applying for positions for the upcoming year and looking to see what is out there to tide me over in the meantime. It's not a comfortable position to be in.
The man ban is still in effect, and so the dating aspect of my life is dead at present. I have, however, been trying to be more physically active. I went for a 7-8K hike over the weekend and I've started jogging periodically...I was walking and doing yoga fairly regularly anyway, but felt the need to ramp it up a little. I'm hoping it will result in increased health and wellness and getting back on track with weight loss, but if nothing else, it gets the endorphins going for a time. Oh, how laughable that would have been to contemplate in my younger years, but I'm quite proud of myself for the effort these days.
Other than that, there really isn't much to talk about. Everything is up in the air, as it has been for far too long now. The only constants have been the love, support, and company of my family and my closest friends. I guess that is enough to be thankful for in the interim, but I pray to have the means to stand on my own two feet and obtain some stability soon...
The man ban is still in effect, and so the dating aspect of my life is dead at present. I have, however, been trying to be more physically active. I went for a 7-8K hike over the weekend and I've started jogging periodically...I was walking and doing yoga fairly regularly anyway, but felt the need to ramp it up a little. I'm hoping it will result in increased health and wellness and getting back on track with weight loss, but if nothing else, it gets the endorphins going for a time. Oh, how laughable that would have been to contemplate in my younger years, but I'm quite proud of myself for the effort these days.
Other than that, there really isn't much to talk about. Everything is up in the air, as it has been for far too long now. The only constants have been the love, support, and company of my family and my closest friends. I guess that is enough to be thankful for in the interim, but I pray to have the means to stand on my own two feet and obtain some stability soon...
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Wednesday Afternoon Update
On the dating front: Zilch. And I'm OK with that for now. Still soooo done with men for the time being. In fact, when my best friend suggested we peruse Plenty of Fish out of boredom the other night, I had absolutely no interest and told her as such (we watched Frasier and went for a drive instead). Yet my inner cynic is being slowly quieted by my inner romantic, which is starting to insist once again that 'he' is out there somewhere...as my mom put it, "It's just taking him a while to figure out where you are." Of course, the cynic is still doing battle at this point and being equally insistent at times that 'he' does not exist and that needs to be accepted. Time will tell, I suppose...In the meantime, I'm still a little disappointed and confused about the guy in Labrador. But there's been no contact on either side since last Tuesday and much as I am tempted to contact him from time to time, I really don't see the point anymore...for so many reasons...and that makes me so sad. I am working at distancing myself from that mentally and emotionally, though...it's just hard for me to let go of that feeling of connectedness once I find it with someone. I was pretty well his in my heart and my mind (and I know he was mine) and now I have to get back to being no one's but my own again - which is liberating and positive in a way but also crushing and depressing in another. It makes me feel, in turns, stronger, more determined, excited and independent than ever and more isolated, alone, and empty than ever. But I have zero desire right now to be with any man, much as I sometimes long for it. Something happened inside of me with this last incident and it changed things. Kinda 'turned my stomach,' if you will. I know it sounds insane - and I can't explain it - but I seriously felt more sure about him, without even having met him in person, than the guy I was with for 6 years...and then he was gone almost as quickly as he had planted himself in the fantasies of my future.
On the work front: It looks like I will be finishing out the year in Central during the week. I am hoping and praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I will get enough work to get me through and enough hours for EI in case I need to fall back on it, but the chances are slim at this point. Which means I have to start thinking about what I am going to do to try and keep myself afloat this summer. Seeing as I have never done anything but teach, I have no idea what that is going to be or what I would be suited for and able to cope with. Nor do I have much idea what most jobs entail or what would be best my best options financially. The downfalls of a sheltered life, I suppose - a big lack of common knowledge.
And in other news: My stepfather found out today that he got the job he was hoping for...he told me if he did then his first bonus goes on my student loan since I helped him out with the interview questions. So, yay for him and yay for me :-)
Also, my best friend and I decided Sunday night to go let our hair down. It was epic. We were nineteen again for a few hours and we rocked it. SO needed that. And we have been laughing over the anecdotes that resulted from that night and the day of recovery that followed off and on all week. Priceless. Here's a little something that I'm not really sure what to make of, though - I actually did something out of character and drank more than I normally would have. I usually cut myself off as soon as I start to feel the effects of the alcohol, as I am not a fan of getting too intoxicated or of being sick. However, I let go and got drunk...and ran into the guy I was dating when I first came home, who has been in my life in some capacity or other since our chance meeting 12 years ago. Anyway, he insisted on making sure my friend and I got home alright and actually didn't try to take advantage of my drunken state to get down my pants (which kind of shocked me since he can be a bit of a pig sometimes and is famous for that when it comes to me, whether either of us is sober or under the influence). Anyway, I just found the whole thing interesting upon reflection. Perhaps he actually does still have feelings for me other than the sexual variety...but I think that ship has sailed on my end. He has been relegated to the 'friends only' category in my mind for quite some time now (which I have been upfront with him about)...but we have the oddest relationship I've ever had with a male. Still, it's comforting, somehow.
On the work front: It looks like I will be finishing out the year in Central during the week. I am hoping and praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I will get enough work to get me through and enough hours for EI in case I need to fall back on it, but the chances are slim at this point. Which means I have to start thinking about what I am going to do to try and keep myself afloat this summer. Seeing as I have never done anything but teach, I have no idea what that is going to be or what I would be suited for and able to cope with. Nor do I have much idea what most jobs entail or what would be best my best options financially. The downfalls of a sheltered life, I suppose - a big lack of common knowledge.
And in other news: My stepfather found out today that he got the job he was hoping for...he told me if he did then his first bonus goes on my student loan since I helped him out with the interview questions. So, yay for him and yay for me :-)
Also, my best friend and I decided Sunday night to go let our hair down. It was epic. We were nineteen again for a few hours and we rocked it. SO needed that. And we have been laughing over the anecdotes that resulted from that night and the day of recovery that followed off and on all week. Priceless. Here's a little something that I'm not really sure what to make of, though - I actually did something out of character and drank more than I normally would have. I usually cut myself off as soon as I start to feel the effects of the alcohol, as I am not a fan of getting too intoxicated or of being sick. However, I let go and got drunk...and ran into the guy I was dating when I first came home, who has been in my life in some capacity or other since our chance meeting 12 years ago. Anyway, he insisted on making sure my friend and I got home alright and actually didn't try to take advantage of my drunken state to get down my pants (which kind of shocked me since he can be a bit of a pig sometimes and is famous for that when it comes to me, whether either of us is sober or under the influence). Anyway, I just found the whole thing interesting upon reflection. Perhaps he actually does still have feelings for me other than the sexual variety...but I think that ship has sailed on my end. He has been relegated to the 'friends only' category in my mind for quite some time now (which I have been upfront with him about)...but we have the oddest relationship I've ever had with a male. Still, it's comforting, somehow.
Monday, April 11, 2011
Dark Horse
Well, all bets are off with the top 3. A dark horse has emerged and blown the competition into oblivion...
It started when I noticed that someone I had been chatting with a while ago (it didn't really go anywhere) had newly viewed my profile again. On a whim, I sent a hello. From there, the typical dialogue began...all of those standard conversation starters and Q and A stuff...harmless chit chat via email on the dating site that went on for a couple of days. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I intrigued him enough to ask for my number. I am usually loath to give my number to someone so quickly, but something about his words sparked something in me in return...to the point where I thought, "My God, could this be him?" Of course, I dismissed that as a flight of fancy inspired by overtiredness and the apparent contrast to the overabundance of wretched swine I've been subjected to (and subjected myself to in some cases) because you really can't know that quickly...can you?
...I know, I know...I have jumped the gun and let my hopes and dreams carry me ahead of my feet before. And so I am kind of hesitant and trying to keep myself grounded and level headed and not floating somewhere in the clouds... But I can't describe the effect this man has on me. He really appears to be everything I have been wanting and waiting for...and for once I don't think it's just me trying to convince myself that things are there because I want so desperately to see them in someone who interests me. Not only is he attractive, open, smart, funny, talented and sweet, there are no warning bells so far...I am not sure if that has ever happened over the course of my entire track record.
I'm in awe...and scared. Really, really scared. I cannot begin to describe the mixture of emotions I am experiencing, all jumbled together. I want to hope and believe again. I want to trust. I've already started to develop feelings for this guy, and I'm assured it's mutual...in fact, he 'fessed up before I did. And it feels like truth to me. I won't say I'm in love...but I care...and I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and let myself fall. I'm happy and excited and apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm calm and comforted and secure, yet kind of unbalanced and impatient and hopeless and fearing I'll somehow scare him away. Part of me wants to dive in and part of me is very carefully keeping it's distance. But I have divulged things to him that some of my friends are not even aware of...and I feel comfortable doing so. Considering we have only been getting to know each other for a couple of weeks at most, that's insanity is it not? God, I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass...
In the meantime, a few guys who were showing interest before (or who I was interested in myself in some cases) and had since disappeared, have magically re-appeared looking for my attention. And, with the exception of the 34 year old mentioned in my last post (who had a pretty good excuse for disappearing and all but begged me for a second chance...which I decided to give and which he also blew), I have not given it...nor even been tempted to. I closed my online dating account within days of talking to the new guy (he had closed his prior to that with no pressure for me to do the same...I wanted to. That's not happened since I opened it almost a year ago...I've hidden it from view by the dating community and/or lost interest from time to time and once or twice contemplated it, but never felt certain that I wanted to remove myself from the arena...something was telling me to wait).
There is one fly in the ointment, though (well, the only one I've really discovered so far). He's in Labrador. And we don't know when we will get to meet each other (but are both hoping it will be sooner rather than later) with our current circumstances. Normally, I would not even entertain the idea of talking to a romantic interest who wasn't close enough that I could go meet him and determine where things stood in person as soon as I felt comfortable...but I can't stand the thought of NOT entertaining the idea here. I want to know. We click so well online and on the phone and we've seen each other on cam...and, still, I tell myself, that is not the same as being in someones company. It's crazy, right? Who does this??? Certainly not this girl! In fact, I would send any of my friends who put themselves in this situation and spouted crazy talk like this for a psychiatric evaluation! How can you feel this way about someone you have never met? How can you miss them so much it hurts? We actually ask each other that...neither of us has an answer...but something inside me tells me this may very well be him. How is that possible?
...and so all I can do for now is cross my fingers and wait. And hope that something this wonderful and promising doesn't fizzle out before we get a chance to explore it further...
It started when I noticed that someone I had been chatting with a while ago (it didn't really go anywhere) had newly viewed my profile again. On a whim, I sent a hello. From there, the typical dialogue began...all of those standard conversation starters and Q and A stuff...harmless chit chat via email on the dating site that went on for a couple of days. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I intrigued him enough to ask for my number. I am usually loath to give my number to someone so quickly, but something about his words sparked something in me in return...to the point where I thought, "My God, could this be him?" Of course, I dismissed that as a flight of fancy inspired by overtiredness and the apparent contrast to the overabundance of wretched swine I've been subjected to (and subjected myself to in some cases) because you really can't know that quickly...can you?
...I know, I know...I have jumped the gun and let my hopes and dreams carry me ahead of my feet before. And so I am kind of hesitant and trying to keep myself grounded and level headed and not floating somewhere in the clouds... But I can't describe the effect this man has on me. He really appears to be everything I have been wanting and waiting for...and for once I don't think it's just me trying to convince myself that things are there because I want so desperately to see them in someone who interests me. Not only is he attractive, open, smart, funny, talented and sweet, there are no warning bells so far...I am not sure if that has ever happened over the course of my entire track record.
I'm in awe...and scared. Really, really scared. I cannot begin to describe the mixture of emotions I am experiencing, all jumbled together. I want to hope and believe again. I want to trust. I've already started to develop feelings for this guy, and I'm assured it's mutual...in fact, he 'fessed up before I did. And it feels like truth to me. I won't say I'm in love...but I care...and I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and let myself fall. I'm happy and excited and apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm calm and comforted and secure, yet kind of unbalanced and impatient and hopeless and fearing I'll somehow scare him away. Part of me wants to dive in and part of me is very carefully keeping it's distance. But I have divulged things to him that some of my friends are not even aware of...and I feel comfortable doing so. Considering we have only been getting to know each other for a couple of weeks at most, that's insanity is it not? God, I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass...
In the meantime, a few guys who were showing interest before (or who I was interested in myself in some cases) and had since disappeared, have magically re-appeared looking for my attention. And, with the exception of the 34 year old mentioned in my last post (who had a pretty good excuse for disappearing and all but begged me for a second chance...which I decided to give and which he also blew), I have not given it...nor even been tempted to. I closed my online dating account within days of talking to the new guy (he had closed his prior to that with no pressure for me to do the same...I wanted to. That's not happened since I opened it almost a year ago...I've hidden it from view by the dating community and/or lost interest from time to time and once or twice contemplated it, but never felt certain that I wanted to remove myself from the arena...something was telling me to wait).
There is one fly in the ointment, though (well, the only one I've really discovered so far). He's in Labrador. And we don't know when we will get to meet each other (but are both hoping it will be sooner rather than later) with our current circumstances. Normally, I would not even entertain the idea of talking to a romantic interest who wasn't close enough that I could go meet him and determine where things stood in person as soon as I felt comfortable...but I can't stand the thought of NOT entertaining the idea here. I want to know. We click so well online and on the phone and we've seen each other on cam...and, still, I tell myself, that is not the same as being in someones company. It's crazy, right? Who does this??? Certainly not this girl! In fact, I would send any of my friends who put themselves in this situation and spouted crazy talk like this for a psychiatric evaluation! How can you feel this way about someone you have never met? How can you miss them so much it hurts? We actually ask each other that...neither of us has an answer...but something inside me tells me this may very well be him. How is that possible?
...and so all I can do for now is cross my fingers and wait. And hope that something this wonderful and promising doesn't fizzle out before we get a chance to explore it further...
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Rays of Light
On the work front:
So ever since I made up my mind to go to Central the calls have been picking up. A case of "God helps those who help themselves," perhaps? I have my new criminal record check all ready to go, anyway, so I guess I just continue to play it by ear. It's still sporadic and it's hard to be in limbo from day to day, but at least the situation has improved. I actually made up my mind to go home last Monday and ended up getting 4 days of work that week and then this week I was all set to go again but got a call Sunday night, which led into work on Tuesday and Wednesday as well. Two of those were half days, however, so I guess really it only counts as 2 days of work. Better than back in the fall, but perhaps still not good enough to warrant sticking it out for the time being when I could maybe be getting 3-4 days every week....MAYBE. It's a shame none of it can be predicted, though. One never knows when another teacher will be away or whether they'll be called to fill in for him/her during that absence. And my mother just informed me that a couple of principals out in Central have been inquiring about me again...sigh...I just keep my fingers crossed and say a little prayer every night for someone/something to guide me and help me figure out what to do.
On the latest hurt front:
I think I am getting there in regard to moving past the cheating bastard...for real this time. I just needed some more time to process and wrap my head around a few things, adjust my thought patterns toward the situation, and let go of the missing and the associated feelings. He doesn't occupy my mind so much and I don't miss him as much and I don't torture myself so much with "what if" scenarios. So weird how we do that to ourselves. Even after we've decided it isn't right for us, we have moments of weakness when those thoughts creep back in and hold our minds and hearts hostage. I just keep reminding myself that he does not deserve a moment of my time or energy - whether he's aware of having it or not - and that even if his girlfriend did buy whatever bullshit he fed her, at some point she will have to face the truth and will probably be kicking herself for staying. Much as he obviously wasn't into me in an honest, I'm-free-and-want-to-get-to-know-you-and-give-this-a-shot sense, he's also not into her if he could do what he did. Which, even though I know he is not worthy of me anyway, makes me feel better for some reason.
On the dating front:
There are a few new prospects on the horizon...leading the pack are a 34 year old, a 31 year old and a - GASP! - 24 year old?!?! How did THAT happen??? I have yet to meet any of them, but have been conversing with each of them and trying to get a feel for their personalities and a sense of whether or not there are many commonalities. I've also turned down a few invites to dinners and coffees from other men for various reasons...although as I'm typing this I'm wondering if I should perhaps reconsider on one of those...I wonder if it's too late? Hmm...
...Back to the current top 3 jockeying for position, though...it's so odd how fleeting and fickle the whole online thing can be. The littlest things can make an impact one way or another and conversations spark and dwindle, and reignite in some cases, in such an unpredictable way. Sorry...just pondering that one out loud...or onscreen, as the case may be. Anyway, the 34 year old is probably most interesting to me at this particular point in time, but the 31 year old is most attentive and the 24 year old is just downright sweet. I would normally not even consider someone so young in a potentially romantic light, but after a week of chatting he screwed up the courage to ask me about it...
In all honesty, I met a 25 year old back in the fall and afterwards told myself, "Never again." It just felt so weird to me. Same deal with the 43 year old I also met back in the fall. They kind of pushed the limits of my comfort zone in terms of age range of romantic interests, and neither of them made a very positive impression on me (although in retrospect this was probably more due to a lack of chemistry and/or attraction than their respective ages. I'm sure I would have been more forgiving and willing to look past that if the maturity was there in the 25 year old or the attraction was there with the 43 year old)...so I've been more careful when deciding whether or not to meet guys close to those ages. Most times I've shied away, but there were a few 26 year olds I was willing to give a chance. Then again, when I first looked at online dating, I wasn't even going to consider 28 and 29 year olds. It was 30 and up and even 30 was pushing it.
I guess you could say I've reevaluated my concept of a comfortable and acceptable age range to date several times in the past year. However, at this point, more and more, I'm of the opinion that it depends on the person in question. I know, I know, it's a no-brainer. It's easy to generalize though, especially with the younger guys - and I really am more hesitant to meet them because of it - but the truth is, there are older guys who are still into the same things and behaving the same way. SO, while I don't plan on dating any 20 year olds anytime in the foreseeable future, I'm thinking 24 may not be that bad as long as the 24 year old in question is on the same page as I am. My mother met my stepfather when he was 25ish and she was in her early 30s and they have been together ever since. So, despite my skepticism, I know it is possible to connect with someone younger. Likewise, I have a friend who is 30 and with a 42 year old and happier than she's ever been...but that side of things in relation to myself weirds me out even more because that's just too close to my stepfather's age. So yeah, while I tend to avoid those situations, I'm not closing myself off to the possibility entirely...while my Mr. Right would ideally be between 26-36 at this point in the reevaluation process, I wouldn't want to overlook him due to self-imposed age restrictions. Which brings us back to the no-brainer...if someone intrigues me and I feel the potential for a good connection, I owe it to myself to explore it. Wouldn't you agree?
So ever since I made up my mind to go to Central the calls have been picking up. A case of "God helps those who help themselves," perhaps? I have my new criminal record check all ready to go, anyway, so I guess I just continue to play it by ear. It's still sporadic and it's hard to be in limbo from day to day, but at least the situation has improved. I actually made up my mind to go home last Monday and ended up getting 4 days of work that week and then this week I was all set to go again but got a call Sunday night, which led into work on Tuesday and Wednesday as well. Two of those were half days, however, so I guess really it only counts as 2 days of work. Better than back in the fall, but perhaps still not good enough to warrant sticking it out for the time being when I could maybe be getting 3-4 days every week....MAYBE. It's a shame none of it can be predicted, though. One never knows when another teacher will be away or whether they'll be called to fill in for him/her during that absence. And my mother just informed me that a couple of principals out in Central have been inquiring about me again...sigh...I just keep my fingers crossed and say a little prayer every night for someone/something to guide me and help me figure out what to do.
On the latest hurt front:
I think I am getting there in regard to moving past the cheating bastard...for real this time. I just needed some more time to process and wrap my head around a few things, adjust my thought patterns toward the situation, and let go of the missing and the associated feelings. He doesn't occupy my mind so much and I don't miss him as much and I don't torture myself so much with "what if" scenarios. So weird how we do that to ourselves. Even after we've decided it isn't right for us, we have moments of weakness when those thoughts creep back in and hold our minds and hearts hostage. I just keep reminding myself that he does not deserve a moment of my time or energy - whether he's aware of having it or not - and that even if his girlfriend did buy whatever bullshit he fed her, at some point she will have to face the truth and will probably be kicking herself for staying. Much as he obviously wasn't into me in an honest, I'm-free-and-want-to-get-to-know-you-and-give-this-a-shot sense, he's also not into her if he could do what he did. Which, even though I know he is not worthy of me anyway, makes me feel better for some reason.
On the dating front:
There are a few new prospects on the horizon...leading the pack are a 34 year old, a 31 year old and a - GASP! - 24 year old?!?! How did THAT happen??? I have yet to meet any of them, but have been conversing with each of them and trying to get a feel for their personalities and a sense of whether or not there are many commonalities. I've also turned down a few invites to dinners and coffees from other men for various reasons...although as I'm typing this I'm wondering if I should perhaps reconsider on one of those...I wonder if it's too late? Hmm...
...Back to the current top 3 jockeying for position, though...it's so odd how fleeting and fickle the whole online thing can be. The littlest things can make an impact one way or another and conversations spark and dwindle, and reignite in some cases, in such an unpredictable way. Sorry...just pondering that one out loud...or onscreen, as the case may be. Anyway, the 34 year old is probably most interesting to me at this particular point in time, but the 31 year old is most attentive and the 24 year old is just downright sweet. I would normally not even consider someone so young in a potentially romantic light, but after a week of chatting he screwed up the courage to ask me about it...
In all honesty, I met a 25 year old back in the fall and afterwards told myself, "Never again." It just felt so weird to me. Same deal with the 43 year old I also met back in the fall. They kind of pushed the limits of my comfort zone in terms of age range of romantic interests, and neither of them made a very positive impression on me (although in retrospect this was probably more due to a lack of chemistry and/or attraction than their respective ages. I'm sure I would have been more forgiving and willing to look past that if the maturity was there in the 25 year old or the attraction was there with the 43 year old)...so I've been more careful when deciding whether or not to meet guys close to those ages. Most times I've shied away, but there were a few 26 year olds I was willing to give a chance. Then again, when I first looked at online dating, I wasn't even going to consider 28 and 29 year olds. It was 30 and up and even 30 was pushing it.
I guess you could say I've reevaluated my concept of a comfortable and acceptable age range to date several times in the past year. However, at this point, more and more, I'm of the opinion that it depends on the person in question. I know, I know, it's a no-brainer. It's easy to generalize though, especially with the younger guys - and I really am more hesitant to meet them because of it - but the truth is, there are older guys who are still into the same things and behaving the same way. SO, while I don't plan on dating any 20 year olds anytime in the foreseeable future, I'm thinking 24 may not be that bad as long as the 24 year old in question is on the same page as I am. My mother met my stepfather when he was 25ish and she was in her early 30s and they have been together ever since. So, despite my skepticism, I know it is possible to connect with someone younger. Likewise, I have a friend who is 30 and with a 42 year old and happier than she's ever been...but that side of things in relation to myself weirds me out even more because that's just too close to my stepfather's age. So yeah, while I tend to avoid those situations, I'm not closing myself off to the possibility entirely...while my Mr. Right would ideally be between 26-36 at this point in the reevaluation process, I wouldn't want to overlook him due to self-imposed age restrictions. Which brings us back to the no-brainer...if someone intrigues me and I feel the potential for a good connection, I owe it to myself to explore it. Wouldn't you agree?
Thursday, March 3, 2011
Restlessness and Ramblings
I'm currently sitting on my couch feeling rather restless. I'm not quite sure what to be doing with myself at the moment. I am not a fan of that feeling...so, but of course, I turned to writing.
I worked everyday this week and will be working again tomorrow, which is awesome. Today was a bit of a challenge, but I got through it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Either way, it's just good to be working, feeling useful, and making money.
...and I just got distracted by an article on the NTV news...someone bought a lock of Justin Bieber's hair for $40 000. Are you freaking kidding me? That's insane! Bonus for the charity the money is going to, I suppose, but I cannot understand how/why people would throw money around like that on something so silly. Why in the world would you want a lock of Justin Bieber's hair?!?!? It's beyond me...
Back to my world...the latest unwanted drama has become a waiting game and I am wondering how it will turn out. My stomach is in knots in the meantime. It's so hard to wait when you just want something to be resolved so you can let it go and be done with it. I suppose I could just ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. I've been on the reverse side of this situation - existing in the midst of so many lies and so much suspicion with eyes half open for so long, hoping against hope that I was wrong. The feeling/sensing but not knowing was an extended mental and emotional torture I could have done without. I hope I go about this the right way...
I also recently met one of the nicest guys who has ever crossed my path...at least that's what he appears to be so far. Only time will tell if that is a legitimate impression. I hope it is...whether it goes anywhere or not. It would just be nice to know there are some legitimately good guys out there. Yes, I'm feeling a little bitter and disillusioned at the moment...
I worked everyday this week and will be working again tomorrow, which is awesome. Today was a bit of a challenge, but I got through it. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better. Either way, it's just good to be working, feeling useful, and making money.
...and I just got distracted by an article on the NTV news...someone bought a lock of Justin Bieber's hair for $40 000. Are you freaking kidding me? That's insane! Bonus for the charity the money is going to, I suppose, but I cannot understand how/why people would throw money around like that on something so silly. Why in the world would you want a lock of Justin Bieber's hair?!?!? It's beyond me...
Back to my world...the latest unwanted drama has become a waiting game and I am wondering how it will turn out. My stomach is in knots in the meantime. It's so hard to wait when you just want something to be resolved so you can let it go and be done with it. I suppose I could just ignore it and pretend it doesn't bother me, but it does. I've been on the reverse side of this situation - existing in the midst of so many lies and so much suspicion with eyes half open for so long, hoping against hope that I was wrong. The feeling/sensing but not knowing was an extended mental and emotional torture I could have done without. I hope I go about this the right way...
I also recently met one of the nicest guys who has ever crossed my path...at least that's what he appears to be so far. Only time will tell if that is a legitimate impression. I hope it is...whether it goes anywhere or not. It would just be nice to know there are some legitimately good guys out there. Yes, I'm feeling a little bitter and disillusioned at the moment...
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
The Putting Myself First Plan
Well, here it goes...I figure if I put it out there for the world to see there may be a better chance of me tackling and sticking to it...I just have to create it first...SO what does it mean to put myself first?
In order to get all my ducks in a row, I need to take better care of myself physically, mentally, emotionally/spiritually, and financially and make sure my own needs are met. So now I'll break it down and see what that looks like/what I have to work on:
1. Physically - get on a regular sleep/wake schedule, exercise followed by stretching in some form at least four times per week, limit junk food intake to weekends, drink between one and two litres of water per day, quit smoking again (which requires a whole plan of it's own and I must be completely ready and committed to it before attempting in order to ensure success).
2. Mentally/emotionally/spiritually - pray, meditate, practice deep breathing, remember gratitude daily, stop wasting thought, time and energy on people and things that don't warrant it, only make time for people who make time for me, write regularly, pursue theatre, prepare to quit smoking, limit exposure to negative influences if and when possible, redefine personal and professional goals and take action.
3. Financially - keep better track of spending, pay off debt, start saving again, increase income (which is the current sticking point, the concept being very much convoluted in my brain and requiring further thought and clarification. In fact, I have been sitting here staring at the screen trying to determine how to even organize the jumble of ideas so that they can be followed and understood).
Short term, I am thinking my options include:
A. Get those resumes out to the schools in St. John's and surrounding area (of course they are closed again today) and volunteer and network like crazy
B. Drum up some more tutoring
C. Move home and try subbing there
D. Perhaps pursue freelance writing
E. Apply for other jobs outside of teaching
F. Pray long and hard to be able to make ends meet
G. Go teach overseas
Long term, I need to consider:
A. Staying put in the teaching field and sticking it out until a full-time position comes my way
B. Going back to school and pursuing further education to use either in the teaching field or some other undetermined area
C. What areas I'd be interested in other than teaching
D. What would be involved in pursuing other areas of interest
...which brings me full circle and I'm still no further ahead with the biggest issue I need to tackle. Finances and career path. Sigh. That really bugs me. The ticking of the clock is like a sonic boom in my ears and I can feel my neck getting tighter with each passing second that I haven't decided on a definite course of action/life plan. SO much pressure...How is it that this totally paralyzes me? Grrrrr....I need to break it down and make it more manageable somehow but I'm really at a loss here with so much to consider and time running out. I feel like I can't tackle all those things at once because it will mean my energies are scattered all over the place...so where do I focus them...? OK...think. Be rational. It's not THAT difficult. Whoa. Spiralling. In the words of my darling stepfather, "The main thing is not to panic." So... I guess now would be a good time to take a breather and realize that organizing it on paper (or the screen in this case) is a step in the right direction. Come back to it later and scrutinize one option at a time. And they are not all mutually exclusive either. Deep breathing, anyone...? :-)
As an afterthought, a few of the happiest acquaintances I know in terms of work life are ones who have also expressed the impossibility of planning these things. They say it just happened...Wouldn't that be nice? I suppose I could add "pray for karma to drop my ideal life in my lap" to my list...
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Frustrated, Incorporated
Today has so far been a write off for me. Well...not completely. There is one very good thing that has happened: I have decided that I'm done with wallowing. I am so frustrated with myself and sick of listening to myself whine and the stress of everything being the same overall is getting to be too much to bear. I need action. I need change. I need to kick my own ass and get the hell outta this slump because I'm not a fan of the boat I'm in. The clock is ticking. It has never stopped. And although I have taken steps in the right direction, I haven't followed through completely. The most recent in this series of steps includes making a comprehensive list of the schools in the Eastern District that are within reasonable distance from my home and which I could sub at, given the opportunity, and printing off 30 resumes to hand deliver to those schools (some of which I've already visited and some of which I haven't). However, I have so far only visited one (after a fiasco yesterday that involved nearly breaking my toe followed by getting stuck in the driveway for some time, which put me way behind my intended schedule). I also called Nova Central and left a message asking whether I would have to resubmit a complete application package were I to move home and get back on their sub list. They haven't gotten back to me yet...
Anyway, as I was saying, it's time to get stubborn and determined once again. Granted, being gentle and kind with yourself is sometimes necessary. And I did need that...along with patting myself on the back for the littlest accomplishments at times. But I made an important bleedingly obvious discovery today: much as I have talked about it, I haven't truly sat down and solidified what it is that I want for myself and how to go about getting it. I haven't fully realized what it means to put myself first or how to go about doing that, either. And I sabotage myself. I sit and think for a little while and then I get overwhelmed with the number of options before me and the lack of surety about anything and back burner everything again without coming to any concrete conclusions or taking action and so I am no further ahead. Rather than risk making the wrong decision or taking the wrong path, I stall. But I need to clarify my goals in order to figure out my direction. And I need to focus my energy more efficiently and productively than I have been in order to reach those goals.
So, I will forgive myself for the fact that I didn't have it in me to go out with a cold and shovel myself out of my apartment and my driveway today in order to hit some schools on my list. And I will try not to be too bummed that the guy I've been looking forward to seeing tonight cancelled on me and will be flying overseas for a family thing and I won't get to spend time with him until he gets back. But I will also think seriously about my future. I will look at my options closely and I will truly weigh the pros and cons. No one can do this but me. And if I want to be self-sufficient again (which I very much do) I have to put a plan into motion ASAP.
There is one more thing I will do...I will ask you if there is any advice or experience you would like to share as to how you came to discover your own path in life. Sometimes the most random tidbits set off a series of thoughts and events that take us places we could never have imagined...perhaps you could prove to be my catalyst :-)
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Sunday Night Meanderings
So here's all the recent news:
My laptop died and I have a new MacBook Pro...which is awesome....and which also engenders mixed emotions in me. On the one hand, I'm so grateful to have wonderful parents who help me out when I'm in a bind. On the other, I'm embarrassed (almost ashamed) and feeling guilty to be 30 and leaning on them. It's so hard to not be self sufficient. It really does a number on your self worth...which I think I've alluded to before.
I've met a few more guys...a couple were duds and a couple seemed decent. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again. Of the two guys I was hanging out with fairly regularly (note: that does not mean sleeping with), I've stopped seeing one and am continuing to see the other...although I see him a little less than I would like. I'm finding it very hard to get an accurate read on him so I'm making it a point to keep my heart well-guarded and my emotions in check. He's fun. And smart. And there is some mad physical attraction and chemistry that goes both ways...it will be interesting to see how this plays out (although I already have two possible scenarios in mind). I have also been conversing regularly with another guy who seems to be very mature and in line with my way of thinking in a lot of ways, but I have yet to meet him. I'm still considering closing my online dating account but have yet to make the move (although I've hidden my profile so I'm not visible to Joe Public anymore which means a significant drop in mail and I'm alright with that right now).
It's getting impossible to make ends meet (not that it has ever been easy since coming home) and so now it's crunch time. I have to seriously consider moving back with my parents during the week in order to afford my apartment in town (which I cannot think of giving up). I have debated getting a part time job (or five) while trying to round up more subbing time or applying for non-teaching jobs that may pay the bills, but right now it doesn't seem like any of that wants to fall in line and so my best bet appears to be buying time by going home and crossing my fingers I'll get more sub time out there. It won't be forever, of course. I am hoping I'll either miraculously come to some enlightening conclusions as to what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life and go after it with conviction (whether that be stay on the teaching track or veer onto another course) or at the very least get back on solid financial ground and be able to give it another go next year getting my foot in the door with the Eastern District. I feel like such a failure to have not made it work this time around, but I guess I need to put it in perspective and look at the fact that I've actually done better with it than a lot of subs with the amount of headway I was able to make...It's sad, really.
I still have not gotten back on the writing wagon or the Artist's Way one either.
My weight loss has been pretty stable at around 23 pounds, give or take. I am hoping to kick start some more pound droppage pretty soon.
I still have not quit smoking again, but I'm determined to kick it soon.
...and finally, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I honestly don't care in the least, which surprises the hell out of me. In fact, were it not for radio announcements and a sighting of men out scurrying around and scouring the shelves for merchandise at WalMart tonight, I would be completely oblivious as to it's arrival. I really thought I'd be distraught over this. Go figure. As I said to my best friend (who I accompanied on said WalMart excursion and who also happens to be single) after directing another misguided soul to the shopping cart containing the remnants of the Lindor chocolates that had been raided from the shelves, "Thank God we are not on the receiving/reciprocating end of all that last minute shopping." That's not to say that all those girlfriends are going to be disappointed...or that I didn't appreciate the tokens of affection I was given over the years...but honestly, I would much rather be the recipient of something that reflected thought from someone deserving of my love from now on than the crumbs I settled for before (I can certainly do without another cheezy stuffed toy sitting around collecting dust...although I suppose commercialization is somewhat to blame for that). Until that amazing person comes along, I'm more than happy to be spending special occasions solo :-) After all, they are only as special as the company you keep, and my girlfriends are the most special people in my life right now. I don't know what I'd do without them...or the incredibly supportive family I have been blessed to be born into. I have to say, though, I was quite impressed with my brother this year. He had the forethought to surprise his girlfriend with a dozen roses and dinner reservations over the weekend. I never thought he had it in him...
Anyway, a very happy Valentine's Day to all you love birds out there. May it be your best one yet (and may you all enjoy genuine displays of love, passion, and affection from your special someones)!
My laptop died and I have a new MacBook Pro...which is awesome....and which also engenders mixed emotions in me. On the one hand, I'm so grateful to have wonderful parents who help me out when I'm in a bind. On the other, I'm embarrassed (almost ashamed) and feeling guilty to be 30 and leaning on them. It's so hard to not be self sufficient. It really does a number on your self worth...which I think I've alluded to before.
I've met a few more guys...a couple were duds and a couple seemed decent. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again. Of the two guys I was hanging out with fairly regularly (note: that does not mean sleeping with), I've stopped seeing one and am continuing to see the other...although I see him a little less than I would like. I'm finding it very hard to get an accurate read on him so I'm making it a point to keep my heart well-guarded and my emotions in check. He's fun. And smart. And there is some mad physical attraction and chemistry that goes both ways...it will be interesting to see how this plays out (although I already have two possible scenarios in mind). I have also been conversing regularly with another guy who seems to be very mature and in line with my way of thinking in a lot of ways, but I have yet to meet him. I'm still considering closing my online dating account but have yet to make the move (although I've hidden my profile so I'm not visible to Joe Public anymore which means a significant drop in mail and I'm alright with that right now).
It's getting impossible to make ends meet (not that it has ever been easy since coming home) and so now it's crunch time. I have to seriously consider moving back with my parents during the week in order to afford my apartment in town (which I cannot think of giving up). I have debated getting a part time job (or five) while trying to round up more subbing time or applying for non-teaching jobs that may pay the bills, but right now it doesn't seem like any of that wants to fall in line and so my best bet appears to be buying time by going home and crossing my fingers I'll get more sub time out there. It won't be forever, of course. I am hoping I'll either miraculously come to some enlightening conclusions as to what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life and go after it with conviction (whether that be stay on the teaching track or veer onto another course) or at the very least get back on solid financial ground and be able to give it another go next year getting my foot in the door with the Eastern District. I feel like such a failure to have not made it work this time around, but I guess I need to put it in perspective and look at the fact that I've actually done better with it than a lot of subs with the amount of headway I was able to make...It's sad, really.
I still have not gotten back on the writing wagon or the Artist's Way one either.
My weight loss has been pretty stable at around 23 pounds, give or take. I am hoping to kick start some more pound droppage pretty soon.
I still have not quit smoking again, but I'm determined to kick it soon.
...and finally, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I honestly don't care in the least, which surprises the hell out of me. In fact, were it not for radio announcements and a sighting of men out scurrying around and scouring the shelves for merchandise at WalMart tonight, I would be completely oblivious as to it's arrival. I really thought I'd be distraught over this. Go figure. As I said to my best friend (who I accompanied on said WalMart excursion and who also happens to be single) after directing another misguided soul to the shopping cart containing the remnants of the Lindor chocolates that had been raided from the shelves, "Thank God we are not on the receiving/reciprocating end of all that last minute shopping." That's not to say that all those girlfriends are going to be disappointed...or that I didn't appreciate the tokens of affection I was given over the years...but honestly, I would much rather be the recipient of something that reflected thought from someone deserving of my love from now on than the crumbs I settled for before (I can certainly do without another cheezy stuffed toy sitting around collecting dust...although I suppose commercialization is somewhat to blame for that). Until that amazing person comes along, I'm more than happy to be spending special occasions solo :-) After all, they are only as special as the company you keep, and my girlfriends are the most special people in my life right now. I don't know what I'd do without them...or the incredibly supportive family I have been blessed to be born into. I have to say, though, I was quite impressed with my brother this year. He had the forethought to surprise his girlfriend with a dozen roses and dinner reservations over the weekend. I never thought he had it in him...
Anyway, a very happy Valentine's Day to all you love birds out there. May it be your best one yet (and may you all enjoy genuine displays of love, passion, and affection from your special someones)!
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
It's Been Awhile
...and sadly, not a lot has changed. I've gotten busy, somehow, but I can't really pinpoint why or how that is, exactly.
On the positive side, I have managed to get a couple more sub days, which is a bonus, and I've started tutoring a junior high student. I'm keeping my fingers crossed more of those opportunities will start coming my way. I also got to see myself on the Republic of Doyle season 2 premiere, which was pretty neat (although I have to admit, I was pretty distracted with other things that night and didn't really pay attention to the show other than the shots I knew I'd be in and I missed last week's episode altogether).
On the negative side, I just got some unwanted mail pertaining to my finances and my laptop has been giving me trouble. I'm hoping these things will resolve themselves with minimal headaches.
On the dating front, I am considering shutting down the online account. I've hidden my profile already. It is depressing getting oodles of messages from people I have nothing in common with and am not interested in as compared to the rare contact from men who seem to be what I may be looking for...which at this point pretty much consists of the combination of decent, respectful, intelligent, fun, and willing to hang out and get to know each other with no expectations, no pressure, and no booty calls. I was starting to feel positively about a couple of prospects, but they seem to have all turned to ashes. Likewise, the friendships I had previously cultivated seem to have dissipated as those friends moved on and found themselves girlfriends. Yes. I'm bitter, frustrated, and disappointed in that department...but I'm trying to convince myself it is for the greater good the universe has planned for me, as with everything else.
On the personal front, I know I need to focus on me and my life and get everything in order. I know I need to take better care of myself and use my energy more wisely...I've been saying this for months...I just can't seem to figure out how to get it all together and make it happen. It seems to be that I improve one area to the detriment or neglect of another, somehow. I am not really sure what it is that I need, for starters...I'm just taking it day by day and doing my best as often as I can muster. I have come to a standstill in the weight loss department, but I'm hoping to get back on track with that as well...and The Artist's Way, which has fallen by the wayside, along with my blogging and writing. I am also trying to spend more time with the people who bring me comfort and positivity and limit my exposure to those who have the opposite effect. I feel as if I have been standing at the crossroads surveying traffic for an indeterminate amount of time and unable to move in any given direction...and on nights like tonight, I feel defeated and alone. Although I know I am never alone and have so much and so many to be thankful for.
I guess the only thing to do for now is to take it day by day...to remember to hold gratitude and hope in my heart and take more little steps to get on track bit by bit, as I have been doing. To forgive myself and pick myself back up each time I fall and to praise and congratulate myself with each small victory or success. Eventually, the stars will align and everything will fall into place and make sense. There has to be some reason I have been stuck in this limbo for so long. A lot of healing has taken place, but it isn't done yet. And I'm sure there is more growth that has yet to occur. I'm calmer, on the whole, and I do feel somewhat more grounded in a way, so that has to be a good thing. It's so easy to get caught up in the minutiae sometimes, is all...
It's going to be OK, right? ...it has to be...
On the positive side, I have managed to get a couple more sub days, which is a bonus, and I've started tutoring a junior high student. I'm keeping my fingers crossed more of those opportunities will start coming my way. I also got to see myself on the Republic of Doyle season 2 premiere, which was pretty neat (although I have to admit, I was pretty distracted with other things that night and didn't really pay attention to the show other than the shots I knew I'd be in and I missed last week's episode altogether).
On the negative side, I just got some unwanted mail pertaining to my finances and my laptop has been giving me trouble. I'm hoping these things will resolve themselves with minimal headaches.
On the dating front, I am considering shutting down the online account. I've hidden my profile already. It is depressing getting oodles of messages from people I have nothing in common with and am not interested in as compared to the rare contact from men who seem to be what I may be looking for...which at this point pretty much consists of the combination of decent, respectful, intelligent, fun, and willing to hang out and get to know each other with no expectations, no pressure, and no booty calls. I was starting to feel positively about a couple of prospects, but they seem to have all turned to ashes. Likewise, the friendships I had previously cultivated seem to have dissipated as those friends moved on and found themselves girlfriends. Yes. I'm bitter, frustrated, and disappointed in that department...but I'm trying to convince myself it is for the greater good the universe has planned for me, as with everything else.
On the personal front, I know I need to focus on me and my life and get everything in order. I know I need to take better care of myself and use my energy more wisely...I've been saying this for months...I just can't seem to figure out how to get it all together and make it happen. It seems to be that I improve one area to the detriment or neglect of another, somehow. I am not really sure what it is that I need, for starters...I'm just taking it day by day and doing my best as often as I can muster. I have come to a standstill in the weight loss department, but I'm hoping to get back on track with that as well...and The Artist's Way, which has fallen by the wayside, along with my blogging and writing. I am also trying to spend more time with the people who bring me comfort and positivity and limit my exposure to those who have the opposite effect. I feel as if I have been standing at the crossroads surveying traffic for an indeterminate amount of time and unable to move in any given direction...and on nights like tonight, I feel defeated and alone. Although I know I am never alone and have so much and so many to be thankful for.
I guess the only thing to do for now is to take it day by day...to remember to hold gratitude and hope in my heart and take more little steps to get on track bit by bit, as I have been doing. To forgive myself and pick myself back up each time I fall and to praise and congratulate myself with each small victory or success. Eventually, the stars will align and everything will fall into place and make sense. There has to be some reason I have been stuck in this limbo for so long. A lot of healing has taken place, but it isn't done yet. And I'm sure there is more growth that has yet to occur. I'm calmer, on the whole, and I do feel somewhat more grounded in a way, so that has to be a good thing. It's so easy to get caught up in the minutiae sometimes, is all...
It's going to be OK, right? ...it has to be...
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Tending the Soul
So our jaunt to Boxfit was put off from Monday night to last night, but was still good times. My friend and I really enjoyed Boxer-cise and I don't know about her, but I'm certainly feeling it today. We are considering going again, but hoping it will be less crowded next time (it's new right now so the novelty is still there and everyone wants to try it, much like us). We've also been going to Zumba classes along with a third friend on a fairly regular basis and I've been walking and doing yoga whenever the mood strikes as well. Hopefully the results will be noticeable soon...like before my dress is ready for choir, let's say? Did I mention how depressing it was to get measured for that? Yikes! I swear I have curves and a figure (albeit not exactly 36-24-36 or whatever those divine measurements are supposed to be), but according to her measuring tape I'm pretty much a tree trunk. Nice.
I have re-started The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron (I have the book), which I initially tried in BC and got halfway through before falling off the bandwagon. So far it seems to be helping me feel better, if nothing else. I have an artist date (rough translation: 2 hour block of uninterrupted alone time doing something fun - preferably something my inner child would like/appreciate) with myself tomorrow night. My "inner artist child" and I are going to a movie. It will be the first time I've gone to a movie solo since I was about 16 and dying of boredom one weekend. Anyway...should be an interesting experience. I'm sure there are people who do it all the time, but for me movie going has always been a social thing to do - well, accompanied by at least one friend or the current boyfriend at the time. Last week myself and I went for a walk in Bowring Park and took lots of pictures of the pretty fall colours and leaves everywhere for our artist date. It was great, on more than one count. I needed a reminder of how enthralled I can become with my surroundings and how getting out in nature, breathing fresh air and appreciating beauty can somehow make everything seem better. The chapter I just read in The Artist's Way actually talks about paying attention to the little details in the here and now and I must say, it is really powerful sometimes to just do that one simple thing.
I've also been finding practicing songs for choir to be quite therapeutic and good for my soul. My emotional and spiritual well being has been positively affected by all of these practices (and of course journalling, which I've been doing for years)and I hope I can remember to keep them up. Now...if I could only figure out the rest of my life. The method behind the madness was that if I could take better care of myself and tend to my spirit perhaps my thinking and emotions would become more clear and I would accomplish more and be more productive in everyday life (thereby quelling the feelings of uselessness and guilt that come with not having a regular job)...that perhaps that neon sign I was praying to drop from the heavens would actually materialize in my brain instead.
While there have been no glowing lights to date, the fact that I AM feeling better is leaving me better able to cope with stress and keep depression a little more at bay, so I guess that is progress, at least...
I have re-started The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron (I have the book), which I initially tried in BC and got halfway through before falling off the bandwagon. So far it seems to be helping me feel better, if nothing else. I have an artist date (rough translation: 2 hour block of uninterrupted alone time doing something fun - preferably something my inner child would like/appreciate) with myself tomorrow night. My "inner artist child" and I are going to a movie. It will be the first time I've gone to a movie solo since I was about 16 and dying of boredom one weekend. Anyway...should be an interesting experience. I'm sure there are people who do it all the time, but for me movie going has always been a social thing to do - well, accompanied by at least one friend or the current boyfriend at the time. Last week myself and I went for a walk in Bowring Park and took lots of pictures of the pretty fall colours and leaves everywhere for our artist date. It was great, on more than one count. I needed a reminder of how enthralled I can become with my surroundings and how getting out in nature, breathing fresh air and appreciating beauty can somehow make everything seem better. The chapter I just read in The Artist's Way actually talks about paying attention to the little details in the here and now and I must say, it is really powerful sometimes to just do that one simple thing.
I've also been finding practicing songs for choir to be quite therapeutic and good for my soul. My emotional and spiritual well being has been positively affected by all of these practices (and of course journalling, which I've been doing for years)and I hope I can remember to keep them up. Now...if I could only figure out the rest of my life. The method behind the madness was that if I could take better care of myself and tend to my spirit perhaps my thinking and emotions would become more clear and I would accomplish more and be more productive in everyday life (thereby quelling the feelings of uselessness and guilt that come with not having a regular job)...that perhaps that neon sign I was praying to drop from the heavens would actually materialize in my brain instead.
While there have been no glowing lights to date, the fact that I AM feeling better is leaving me better able to cope with stress and keep depression a little more at bay, so I guess that is progress, at least...
Sunday, November 7, 2010
Sunday Night Ramblings
So I'm sitting here with a glass of port and I'm thinking I should probably be in bed. One of the things about not having a regular job that I'm finding hard to cope with (aside from the obvious lack of income and resultant stress) is the absence of routine and trying to get in and out of bed at decent hours. Being unemployed most definitely takes a toll on your self-confidence and your self-worth. I keep praying for a neon sign to fall from the sky and hit me in the head, telling me what to do and which way to go to get to where I want to be. So far, no such luck. It just doesn't seem to want to materialize.
In a sense, I have all the time in the world and don't know what to do with it most days. I try to keep busy and be as productive as I can muster (depending on how depressed I am about not having a regular job or not quite knowing what it is that I want to do or how to go about doing it - some days are better than others). I try and stay active and get out of the apartment for some fresh air daily but that doesn't always happen either. I told myself I would use this time to figure everything out and to write in the meantime. It turns out that has been easier said than done. I keep taking baby steps but I feel like I am churning my wheels and getting nowhere (wow that was a mixed metaphor...or was it even a metaphor? In any event, how can you take steps if you are using wheels?). Sigh.
In other news, there is no one who has sparked my interest in the online dating arena of late. I do find it interesting, however, that the one person I am intrigued by these days has recently shown up there. It's tricky though. I don't have a picture posted on the dating site due to working in the public sector (let's face it - teachers have to be uber careful about that sort of thing - although I've noticed some have said screw it and thrown caution to the wind...perhaps it's more relaxed down here than it was in BC?) but he does. So I have the advantage of knowing who he is on there. Offline, I see him weekly in rehearsals but don't really have the opportunity to approach him - or a valid excuse to do so. And in my defense, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to start a conversation with someone you've never before spoken to and happen to be interested in in front of an audience of people who possibly DO know him. (I think the port is starting to take effect...is it just me or is my writing sounding rather convoluted right now? I'm seriously a lightweight (and mostly seldom) drinker). A male friend suggested I should send him an online message and get to know him that way without disclosing my identity unless he asked, but that seems creepy/deceitful to me...and potentially very awkward and embarrassing - what if the interest factor wasn't reciprocated and then I had to continue to see him every week?
Anyway...let's backtrack a bit to the potential interest, himself. I say potential because I don't really know anything about him except that he is super talented, seems quite intelligent, has a great smile, and I want to get to know him better. And then there is the part of me that thinks, "Seriously? Why bother? You are just getting to the place where you're totally comfortable being solo. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Don't mess with it. Mr. Right will pop out of the woodwork and find you when the time is right." Yet, I can't help wondering...does he wonder about me too?
I also find it interesting that my inbox has developed an empty echo lately. For awhile there I was having a hard time keeping up with the correspondence. Now it's as if the universe has intervened and decided that I am supposed to just be alone right now and figure everything else out. To just continue focusing on myself and being patient for the romantic aspect to come along whenever it will. It's odd.
In any event, I'm going to try boxing tomorrow with a friend. That should be entertaining and stress-relieving. Perhaps it will help vent some of these muddled thought processes and provide some clarity while releasing endorphins. Toodles for now!
In a sense, I have all the time in the world and don't know what to do with it most days. I try to keep busy and be as productive as I can muster (depending on how depressed I am about not having a regular job or not quite knowing what it is that I want to do or how to go about doing it - some days are better than others). I try and stay active and get out of the apartment for some fresh air daily but that doesn't always happen either. I told myself I would use this time to figure everything out and to write in the meantime. It turns out that has been easier said than done. I keep taking baby steps but I feel like I am churning my wheels and getting nowhere (wow that was a mixed metaphor...or was it even a metaphor? In any event, how can you take steps if you are using wheels?). Sigh.
In other news, there is no one who has sparked my interest in the online dating arena of late. I do find it interesting, however, that the one person I am intrigued by these days has recently shown up there. It's tricky though. I don't have a picture posted on the dating site due to working in the public sector (let's face it - teachers have to be uber careful about that sort of thing - although I've noticed some have said screw it and thrown caution to the wind...perhaps it's more relaxed down here than it was in BC?) but he does. So I have the advantage of knowing who he is on there. Offline, I see him weekly in rehearsals but don't really have the opportunity to approach him - or a valid excuse to do so. And in my defense, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to start a conversation with someone you've never before spoken to and happen to be interested in in front of an audience of people who possibly DO know him. (I think the port is starting to take effect...is it just me or is my writing sounding rather convoluted right now? I'm seriously a lightweight (and mostly seldom) drinker). A male friend suggested I should send him an online message and get to know him that way without disclosing my identity unless he asked, but that seems creepy/deceitful to me...and potentially very awkward and embarrassing - what if the interest factor wasn't reciprocated and then I had to continue to see him every week?
Anyway...let's backtrack a bit to the potential interest, himself. I say potential because I don't really know anything about him except that he is super talented, seems quite intelligent, has a great smile, and I want to get to know him better. And then there is the part of me that thinks, "Seriously? Why bother? You are just getting to the place where you're totally comfortable being solo. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Don't mess with it. Mr. Right will pop out of the woodwork and find you when the time is right." Yet, I can't help wondering...does he wonder about me too?
I also find it interesting that my inbox has developed an empty echo lately. For awhile there I was having a hard time keeping up with the correspondence. Now it's as if the universe has intervened and decided that I am supposed to just be alone right now and figure everything else out. To just continue focusing on myself and being patient for the romantic aspect to come along whenever it will. It's odd.
In any event, I'm going to try boxing tomorrow with a friend. That should be entertaining and stress-relieving. Perhaps it will help vent some of these muddled thought processes and provide some clarity while releasing endorphins. Toodles for now!
Monday, October 18, 2010
Work Woes
OK. So I'm getting very stressed and frustrated because I am currently unemployed. I'm a teacher...and unfortunately unemployed teachers are a dime a dozen in St. John's. I figured I'd get my feet wet subbing and work my way into the system...but that's not happening. Things work differently here. Elsewhere I've lived and worked (sometimes subbing and sometimes in my own classroom under yearly term contracts), I've applied to the district, gotten on the sub list, and been guaranteed at least SOME time subbing under the rotational system (minus when I first came home and was subbing in rural NL...but I still managed to get decent classroom time out of that) and a fair crack at any available teaching positions (naturally, I was still behind anyone with more seniority or higher qualifications in terms of job postings). When I applied to the sub list in this district I was informed through the grapevine that the expectation here is that you also hand deliver your resume to any and all schools you wish to sub at and pick a handful to volunteer at for a few hours a week...all in the HOPE of getting a call to sub. So I did that (although I have to say I see a number of faults with that system...which is also NOT rotational and based solely on who you know and your ability to get into their good books as far as I can tell). I got dressed up, plastered a confident smile on my face and braved the weather (of course, it was windy and raining every time I went out to deliver resumes), I picked a couple of schools and have been going there and volunteering my services in and out of the classroom to whoever wants to make use of me - and so far? Nothing. Nada. Pas du tout!
And it's getting old. I am not a fan of having this much time on my hands to try and fill. I have ALWAYS been busy. I left high school and went straight to university and then left university and went straight to work. I'm sure most everyone realizes that being a student and being a teacher are both pretty time consuming roles to play. So I'm trying to broaden my horizons and see what else is out there...but I have no idea where to turn or what to do (other than recreational pursuits). My entire life has been centered around schools, it seems. I feel utterly dumbfounded when it comes to getting myself gainfully employed in other areas or even what areas I'd like to become gainfully employed in (and I'm starting to revisit the idea that perhaps teaching is not where it's at for me)! It's rather confusing...Do I seek further education to add to my bachelor's degrees (and how do I finance that? by tacking further debt onto my already existing student loan)? Do I branch out and do something totally different? Do I seek part-time employment that will allow me the flexibility to continue volunteering and perhaps snagging some sub time at some unknown point in the future? Do I go after a full-time job that will take away that option (and do I settle for just anything at this point or do I continue to look for something that will leave me with some satisfaction at the end of the day)? Is there a way I can become self-employed and make money off of my hobbies/talents/things I enjoy? And then there's pay...while I'm not exactly doing well at the moment and on the one hand some money is better than no money, on the other hand I'm not sure how I can go from the possibility of making decent money to the assurance of making much less and still find a way to make ends meet...if that makes sense. I guess the bottom line is I'm just feeling really scared and lost and hoping some divine opportunity or inspiration will fall into my lap and light my way through this dark, murky path I'm on...sooner rather than later would probably be best...
At the end of the day, I just really want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to be self-sufficient and feel good about what I do and how I spend my life. Is that so much to ask...? How on earth does everyone else make it in this city/province?
And it's getting old. I am not a fan of having this much time on my hands to try and fill. I have ALWAYS been busy. I left high school and went straight to university and then left university and went straight to work. I'm sure most everyone realizes that being a student and being a teacher are both pretty time consuming roles to play. So I'm trying to broaden my horizons and see what else is out there...but I have no idea where to turn or what to do (other than recreational pursuits). My entire life has been centered around schools, it seems. I feel utterly dumbfounded when it comes to getting myself gainfully employed in other areas or even what areas I'd like to become gainfully employed in (and I'm starting to revisit the idea that perhaps teaching is not where it's at for me)! It's rather confusing...Do I seek further education to add to my bachelor's degrees (and how do I finance that? by tacking further debt onto my already existing student loan)? Do I branch out and do something totally different? Do I seek part-time employment that will allow me the flexibility to continue volunteering and perhaps snagging some sub time at some unknown point in the future? Do I go after a full-time job that will take away that option (and do I settle for just anything at this point or do I continue to look for something that will leave me with some satisfaction at the end of the day)? Is there a way I can become self-employed and make money off of my hobbies/talents/things I enjoy? And then there's pay...while I'm not exactly doing well at the moment and on the one hand some money is better than no money, on the other hand I'm not sure how I can go from the possibility of making decent money to the assurance of making much less and still find a way to make ends meet...if that makes sense. I guess the bottom line is I'm just feeling really scared and lost and hoping some divine opportunity or inspiration will fall into my lap and light my way through this dark, murky path I'm on...sooner rather than later would probably be best...
At the end of the day, I just really want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to be self-sufficient and feel good about what I do and how I spend my life. Is that so much to ask...? How on earth does everyone else make it in this city/province?
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Another Move on the Horizon
It's official. My life since November has consisted of packing, unpacking, and driving. It looks like I will be staying with my brother for a bit and eventually moving into the apartment I have lined up in Kilbride. I hope I'll like it there.
Eventually, I will have enough time to revamp the blog to reflect the changes that have taken place...but first, I really need to get my life back on track. I can't wait to start filling it up with things I enjoy again instead of holding my breath and twiddling my thumbs trying not to go insane with the combination of boredom and frustration.
...and that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed a single moment since I've been home, because that is simply not true. I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and it's been great. However, I am, as a dear friend of mine pointed out the other day, "a planner" and I am currently suffering the discomfort of being unsettled and unsure of what is going on and where life is headed. Unfortunately, that little issue has been persistently plaguing the space in the back of my head that is prone to worrying about and dwelling on those sorts of things.
On that note, I have way too much to do right now to be sitting here procrastinating. There is, of course, packing to be done!
Eventually, I will have enough time to revamp the blog to reflect the changes that have taken place...but first, I really need to get my life back on track. I can't wait to start filling it up with things I enjoy again instead of holding my breath and twiddling my thumbs trying not to go insane with the combination of boredom and frustration.
...and that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed a single moment since I've been home, because that is simply not true. I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and it's been great. However, I am, as a dear friend of mine pointed out the other day, "a planner" and I am currently suffering the discomfort of being unsettled and unsure of what is going on and where life is headed. Unfortunately, that little issue has been persistently plaguing the space in the back of my head that is prone to worrying about and dwelling on those sorts of things.
On that note, I have way too much to do right now to be sitting here procrastinating. There is, of course, packing to be done!
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