Thoughts on Home

Some fitting quotes for my current mood. I am hoping they have all been attributed to the correct people...



You can never go home again, but the truth is you can never leave home, so it's all right. ~Maya Angelou

The ache for home lives in all of us, the safe place where we can go as we are and not be questioned. ~Maya Angelou




Home is not where you live but where they understand you. ~Christian Morgenstern




Home is a place you grow up wanting to leave, and grow old wanting to get back to. ~John Ed Pearce

...and finally, "Sometimes you wanna go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came" ~Gary Portnoy and Judy Hart Angelo (Cheers theme song)

...which reminds me of an instance last year when I went to have our water bottles refilled and almost burst into tears when the lady at the counter had to ask how to spell my last name for her records. Of course, I was feeling particularly homesick that day and it was the millionth time that had happened to me since I've been here. It's probably happened another thousand times since. I never realized before how much comfort comes from the simplicity of knowing that people recognize your name and can pronounce and spell it without your help....

Humbug!

There, I said it. This has been the loneliest, most UN-Christmas-y holiday I can remember having. I have tried (and failed miserably for the most part) to fake it till I made it for my partner's sake (and my mother's, because I know it bothers her to know I'm unhappy this time of year), but to no avail. I think the stats speak for themselves:

Number of friends/family seen: 0
Number of parties/get togethers attended: 0
Number of Christmas activities participated in: 1 (Candlelight service with my partner on Christmas Eve in the hopes of gaining an infusion of Christmas spirit and good cheer and fighting off the demons of loneliness and depression...which feeling like a total outsider at the church did nothing to alleviate)
Level of Christmas spirit achieved: next to none, and sporadic at best (maybe I spent it all up in October when I was buying and wrapping gifts?)

I am actually at the point where I am totally disillusioned with the whole thing this year. I am ashamed to admit it, but I spent 80% of my time this holiday season sitting around feeling sorry for myself (either alone or with my live-in partner...who is the only other person I've seen this Christmas other than my chiropractor and his secretary) and stuffing my face with junk food (totally counterproductive to becoming more healthy and fit). The other 20% was spent roaming the stores and spending money on things we probably could have mostly done without. I have spent hours on facebook looking at other people's holiday snapshots and feeling glad for them, but lonelier myself and more than a tad jealous I'm sad to say.

Today I was tempted to just pull the covers over my head and stay in bed until tomorrow this time, but I guess there is one last chance to redeem Christmas/New Year's 2009 tonight. We shall see what happens...

I am honestly not sorry to see 2009 go at this point. I guess there must have been some highlights throughout the year worth remembering and mentioning, but I'll be damned if I can conjure them up right now with this storm cloud hanging over my head. The only one that comes to mind at the moment is my musical theatre debut, which was an awesome experience in many ways. Other than that, this year has brought me a lot of anguish and uncertainty and a huge mess to sort out in 2010.

So, in lieu of listing all my Resolutions that may or may not be adhered to in the New Year, I will simply say that it is my wish for it to bring much peace, love, happiness, and success to everyone around me. And for myself...well, a little clarity and forward momentum in all areas would certainly not go astray...

2 Days to Christmas

I finally received the parcel containing all our Christmas gifts yesterday (after getting two expressed ones with cakes, homemade white and raisin bread and Rodrigues blueberry wine - YUM! Thank you mommy :D). Phew! However, the jury is still out on whether my mother will get the one I sent her on the 7th (with the rest of their presents in it) on time :s I have been dying with anticipation for them to get theirs because there is a surprise for my parents in there. I cannot divulge any more information than that until they have opened it, but I am uber excited for their reactions!

Our Christmas plans for this year seem to be tanking...the aunt and uncle living on the lower mainland decided to spend the holidays on the Rock, the annual invite for Christmas dinner hasn't come through yet (we bought our own holiday grub for a quiet dinner at home to be safe) and we just can't seem to make a trip to Alberta to see a couple of friends (which requires 9 hours of driving each way) work time wise. We have been invited to a New Year's Eve pajama party, however (which I am hoping is not a code name for 'orgy' ha ha), so that could be interesting if we decide to go.

My significant other found some frozen dough at the grocery store last week, so we made toutons over the weekend (or tiffins, if you are from Central/Bonavista Bay and possibly other parts of the province). A little taste of home (sort of) before the holidays. Fish and brewis will be on the menu at some point as well. Not exactly heart - or waistline - healthy fare, but 'some shockin good' nonetheless. However, I am feeling a little guilty for eating Lindor chocolates with my breakfast today, followed by a mid-morning snack of Ferrero Rochers. That was perhaps a bit too decadent. I shudder to think what the scale has in store for me after the holidays! ...aaaaaand I just provided myself with the motivation to work out when I finish writing this!

I also took the time to mosey over to Product of Newfoundland earlier and discovered some links and videos in regard to mummering. I was actually searching for some of this stuff online a few years ago to show some people here and was unable to find what I was looking for (of course, I was also not familiar with You Tube at that point).

Anyway...about mummering...the last time I remember seeing real live mummers was when I was in high school. It was a nice, quiet night at my house that was suddenly disrupted by loud knocking at the door. My step-dad answered and found two mummers (looking a tad like distorted shepherds or wise men) on the doorstep. My parents were delighted and we all went downstairs, plying them with chocolates and other treats and trying to figure out who they were. Since they were a little on the "slight" side in build, my stepfather made sure to ask them if they were legal before offering drinks. They assured him they were and so he poured up some rum. It turned out they were a couple of grade 12 guys from my high school (who may or may not have been drinking age), which was a little awkward for the teenaged me at the time of unveiling, but had been great fun otherwise. Come to think of it, that was probably the only close encounter with mummers that I can remember. How sad is that? Although, I do recall seeing pictures of family members mummering in years gone by and it looked like they had a ton of fun...and apparently last year my oldest aunt saw fit to dress up and visit her sisters (or was that for Halloween?). If I wasn't aware of her youthful spirit and thirst for mischief, I might have been worried about Alzheimer's or other aspects of her sanity...as it is, I am just sorry I missed it - according to my mother she actually managed to fool my nan (her mother) and everyone had a good laugh afterwards (I wonder how many Newfoundlanders and Labradorians actually still take part in that particular tradition?).

So, for your enjoyment, entertainment, or education, I give to you:



...which is taken from:

The Mummer's Show/Fortune Bay Christmas , which is a Land and Sea Newfoundland classic (side note: I have stumbled upon various Land and Sea programs from time to time on the tube up here and man do they ever make me well up with homesickness).

I am also including this little tidbit which, according to Robert at Product of Newfoundland, was tres popular but somehow missed my inbox, because I think it's worth a listen:



Happy holidays!

Movie Night

We went to see New Moon tonight and it was sold out. Instead we took in A Christmas Carol. It was my first experience with 3D and it was enjoyable. I'm glad I don't do drugs because I was thinking if someone came to one of these stoned it probably wouldn't go down well...then again there are probably millions of people who do just that everyday...I'm just the type of person who would be freaking out instead of being awed by the heightened coolness.

Since the lady in front of us was rather scented, we hurried to switch seats while she was taking her daughter to the washroom before the movie began to lessen the embarrassment factor. The irony is that she came back and sat behind us with a bunch of her friends who had showed up. Sigh. Let the suffering begin. However, I was lucky because she sat furthest from me and I just had sniffles, a sore throat, congestion and some coughing. The teens behind us, on the other hand, drove my partner crazy with all their texting and talking.

At the end of the movie I was going to take a picture of us in our goofy glasses but we got kicked out of the theatre because the guy cleaning up was all stressed out about the people waiting outside the building to come in for the next round of shows. He was rather rude about it though and there was no need of that.

On another note, we moved some stuff today and I did some cleaning at the new apartment but we still have tons to go. Bit by bit it is all trickling down there...good thing we have some time to complete the move instead of having to do it all in one day!

And one last tidbit: my family threw a surprise congratulatory bash in response to my parents surprise wedding and I missed it. These are the times when it sucks to be away from home.

Bonfire Night

November 5th in Newfoundland (a.k.a. Bonfire Night) was always a big deal when I was younger. Us youngsters would spend weeks preparing; roaming the ridge in our rubber boots with tomahawks in hand, cutting up boughs that we dragged home and piled high, continually scouting the woods for the treasured "blassy" ones that would add some pizazz to our fires. It was a fierce competition with a huge team effort and we never missed an opportunity to brag to our friends about our stash.

There was always a community bonfire held in town, but up until my late teenage years, I always attended the cozier family bonfire that took place in the rocky, gravelly, no man's land between our yard and the bog. Since several generations of my extended family lived close by, there was always a crowd composed of aunts, uncles, and cousins, along with my grandmother, my immediate family, and sometimes a various assortment of great aunts and uncles as well as the neighbours who stopped by from time to time.

Our excitement would build for days until we could barely contain ourselves, counting the hours until we could bundle up in our winter gear and head out after supper at some point. There was usually a big fire for warmth, which the adults generally sat around, closely watching and helping us while having a few beers, and then there was a smaller one for us to take turns roasting wieners and marshmallows in, using spears cut from alder branches that one of my uncles would carve for us each year.

Invariably, as we talked and laughed, sang, and looked around at the smoke and flames of our neighbours' fires licking at the night sky, we all gradually ended up with a gooey mess of melted goodies and soot all over our faces and hands (adults included). Most often someone ate so much they got sick. But it was a grand ole time, nonetheless.

When I got older, it became a time to celebrate with my friends in different locations around town more-so than hanging out with my family, but the premise was still largely the same (minus the little kids and the grown-ups who would spoil our fun).

I first started to miss Bonfire Night during my university years, because often I stayed in St. John's, where you can't just light a fire wherever you want. However, I missed it more terribly the first couple of years I was away from The Rock and realized that it doesn't exist here or anywhere else in Canada or the rest of the world, for the most part.

Why would anyone still care enough to celebrate the downfall of some guy who tried to blow up the Parliament buildings in London back in the 1600's anyway, right? Well...no one, if you ask me. But it really has nothing to do with Guy Fawkes anymore. It is just another deep-rooted Newfoundland tradition, leftover from our days as a British colony, that gives us one more excuse to have a good time and enjoy our freedom with the people in our lives (and I have always found myself entranced by the dancing flames of a burning fire regardless - no matter where I am or who I am with). God, how I miss the Island sometimes.

Grey Foggy Days

We are at the midpoint of fall, and it's no trouble to tell. Not because of the changing and falling leaves, the cooler weather or the warmer clothing, but because of the drop off in communication that always occurs at this time of year. Summers are full of fun in the sun with friends - road trips, boat trips, barbecues and general get togethers...then comes fall. People settle back into the work groove instead of rebelling against it, teachers and students head back to school, families work on their nesting skills for the oncoming winter (and try to repair the holes in their bank accounts depending on how good a time was had), and friends generally don't have as much to talk about now that the excitement of the past season has ground to a halt. That is my theory at least. How else can I explain the disappearance of a vibrant social life?

Perhaps it is because I (like many other Newfoundlanders and Labradorians living away) usually head home in the summertime to catch up with all my relations and have a great time. There is a resounding shock to my system that occurs when I come back to the west and what feels like, in comparison, social isolation - and it seems to be amplified in the fall. Maybe it is not the same for those people who actually live and work in familiar surroundings and circulate amongst their social network year round. Perhaps they don't experience the same feeling of withdrawal or disconnection from the outside world at this time of year. However, being an outsider does not make it easy. Sure, I have lots of acquaintances here, and even a few I would venture so far as to call friends...but I never get to see them or spend time with them much. And I do still have my friends and family back on The Rock (as well as those who have dispersed themselves to the four corners of the earth much like myself)...but they are busy getting back into their own routines as well and our topics of conversation have become limited now that we are not residing in the same place and interacting with the same people on a daily basis.

Then again, maybe it is because of the particular spot in which I have landed. After all, I do know of plenty of Newfoundlanders and Labradorians who have made a go of it in their new locations, surrounding themselves with new friends and immersing themselves in the local social scene (of course it also helps that many of them network through other ex-pats in the same locale. I have heard that some exist here, but so far as I can determine those stories are the stuff of urban legends and old wives tales, so it has been a tad difficult, to say the least, for me to accomplish the same feat).

Whether it is that people just don't operate the same way here or that it is very much a place that is reliant upon becoming part of a clique to obtain true social interaction I haven't been able to figure out yet. However, much of a fish out of water as I find myself at times, the uniqueness inherent to being a Newf doesn't seem to be the driving force behind the circumstances in which I find myself, either way...I have talked to others who have moved here and almost all of them have gone through the same thing and come to a point where they simply accepted that that's the way it is. Personally, I find it very strange and more than a little lonely at times to be confined to such an existence.

I don't know, perhaps I am just a victim of Seasonal Affective Disorder or suffering from the boredom that ensues after the bottom drops out of living the life of a social butterfly. Whatever the case may be, I suppose I should just haul myself up by my bootstraps and trudge on through til the holiday season arrives and things pick back up again (which for me will be limited to the single invite out we have gotten for the past 3 years, due to the previously mentioned stunted network, in addition, perhaps, to another trip to see the extended fam 6 hours away for a couple of days)...ah, well...I suppose I can dream and live vicariously anyway...

At The Crossroads

Being an adult truly blows goats sometimes. There are a bunch of changes coming down the tubes lately (mostly intertwined, which tends to complicate matters), and I'm not sure if I am prepared for any of them. In fact, I am not even sure I can separate them enough to formulate a coherent account of the issues I am currently attempting to navigate my way around - either here OR at the personal sorting station inside my brain :s Nevertheless, I will attempt to outline a few in this entry (if only to wrap my own head around it once more)...It's all pretty basic stuff, I'm sure, but with my knack for making things more complicated and worrisome than they need to be, it's no wonder I feel like I am weaving my way through a beast-ridden jungle right now...

First and foremost, 29 is a few days away - which means 30 is lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce on me. I'm not sure it is something I could ever be ready for, but it boggles my mind to no end to contemplate all the things I wanted to see/do/accomplish before that benchmark age. Following that up with an attempt to figure out the logistics of checking them off my list and facing the dawning reality of how much time I actually have left in which to realize those dreams with an expiry date is rather daunting in itself, all other considerations aside.

Secondly, I am seriously debating my chosen career (have been for a while) and am currently weighing my options. It's a confusing and frustrating process at times, needless to say, and I really fail to see an endless stream of possibilities outside my door. Not to mention that when an adult contemplates these things, he/she not only has to figure out "what do I want?" and "how much time do I have?," but also take into consideration "what can I afford?," which will dictate what is acceptable in terms of salary, further schooling/training, etc. when weighed against current finances as well as present and future quality of life. In the meantime, said adult (in this case, moi) needs to keep afloat financially...which in my case means a continuation/waiting game of sorts in my current career coupled with an intensive job search on the side for solutions unknown.

Which brings us to the third conundrum...where does one find the solutions to all those ponderings? There is a ceaseless brain wracking, question asking, information seeking and running around in circles that follows these questions around in the adult world (or in my brain anyway). I am searching for ways to work these things into a (preferably better than) satisfactory outcome, but also have to factor in the fact that I am, at the moment, far away from my entire social network and not wanting to set down permanent roots in the place in which I have been residing for the past 3 years (although I have been working on a few temporary ones in the past year or so). I am debating a move...but where? I have been focusing on one place in particular at present. A place which I have never visited, is also far away from familiar surroundings and devoid of all present social connections but one, and poses many other definite challenges of its own.

I'm sure by now you get my drift...I'm a freak and I think things to death. I'll shut up now. In the meantime, I am continuing to float around restlessly in limbo, wishing for psychic abilities that would allow me to explore all the possibilities presented by each path I could take, risk free!

That's some pretty freaky shit right there...Seriously...how much simpler was life when I was half my age?

On another (related or unrelated - depending on how you look at it) note, I am experiencing a wave of homesickness tonight and spent hours scouring YouTube for videos of familiar and comforting sights and sounds. It's tough being a fish out of water sometimes, even if you do adapt to life on land...