On the Sidelines

So...reality still bites since being smacked in the face with it, and I have been battling the Black Dog. I am fighting to hang in there in the hopes that when work resumes my outlook will improve...although I realized that what I thought upon first glance was amazing news turned out to be only mediocre in terms of prospects for the upcoming year, and I will still have to push to get what I need to make a bigger difference. Rehearsals are the only thing currently keeping me afloat....that and the little pats on the back I am able to give myself each day I get up and make my bed before noon and manage to eat sensibly and get some exercise in. Of course, then there are the days when I hide from my life under the covers and wish with all my heart that when I open my eyes I will have fantasized my world into being how I want it to be. No such luck so far. I do, however, remain mostly cigarette free, minus a couple of socials I've had with smoker friends when I felt about to break.

As expected, nothing has really panned out in terms of the love interests. The French guy is a great conversationalist and was fun to meet but has since flown The Rock to return home, the engineer is a truly amazing guy but I just don't feel it (which makes me sad) and have learned from experience that I cannot create spark where there is none, and the teacher and I are still chit chatting, but more infrequently. The engineering technician now seems all words and no follow through (I think it's now time to write him off), the blond and the British Columbian seem to have disappeared, and the young software guy pops up from time to time but we have still yet to meet. There are others thrown into the mix as well, but I honestly wonder why I continue to bother.

I think part of my problem is the knowledge that summer is coming to an end (which is good and bad). And that I am still in the same situation I've been in, more or less, for the past two years. It's also the fact that social media duly informs me daily that one by one my friends, family, and acquaintances are all falling in love, getting engaged or married, having babies, receiving promotions, buying new houses or vehicles...and, much as this makes me happy for them, it makes me go under in self pity mode as I wonder how much longer I will have to wait and watch until it is my turn. My life feels flat...empty...meaningless. My surroundings currently hold no charm, and my world feels dim. Truly, we really don't get enough sunshine here.

I'm Baaaack!!!

It has been a wild and busy couple of months with a lot going on and a tad bit of flying by the seat of my pants.

I guess this all began in May...there was the play, the trip to NYC, the choir performance and work, which had picked up...not too out of the ordinary, but exciting pour moi. At some point I met a chef who wined and dined me for a few days before heading home (out of the province)...he was great but I determined that he wasn't for me, much to his disappointment.

Following that, I landed a small role in a play for this summer - which I subsequently had to relinquish due to a last minute "go" on Quebec, where I spent 5 glorious weeks full of action, adventure, and learning. It was incredible.

I have since returned and am coming to grips with my re-introduction to reality. The first little while was brutal, but it ain't all bad: rehearsals for a new play are in full swing with a second on the horizon (both of which I auditioned for before my sojourn in La Belle Province), I got some good news which should increase the amount of work I get this year, I'm re-starting (for the millionth time) my attempts to get back into shape, I've been mostly cigarette free since July 2nd, and there are no less than 7 newbies on the radar. That's a lot, I know, but I swear I only initiated contact with one. It's all in the beginning "getting to know you" stages anyway, so I'm sure most of them will just fizzle and fade. I'm just trying to relax, go with the flow, and see what leads where.

The radar blips are as follows:

The engineering technician I met before going away (he is now on vacation but we plan to get together when he gets back). I like him so far and I really look forward to seeing him again. He's in my comfort zone age wise and seems like a solid guy.

The teacher from Ontario I met in Quebec - he's a few years younger than me, but very cute, funny, and incredibly sweet...I'm not entirely sure if he likes me that way or not, but we've been in contact since going our separate ways and I am definitely crushing on him.

The engineer I met when I came back, who is also cute, sweet and younger. He seems very spirited and eager to please and he has a killer smile. He's asked me out again and I think I'm gonna take him up on it.

Then there are those I have yet to meet:

The blond who's about my age - he seems pretty normal and kinda fun. He's asked me out but I haven't given a definite response yet.

The software engineer - again, young, cute, and seemingly sensible, and claiming to be very interested in me.

The older French guy who is currently vacationing in NL and wants to get together. My impressions of him are still kind of vague.

The British Columbian living in England...I'm not sure of my take on him yet, either.

So that's it, in a nutshell! I shall try to be better about posting regularly but with my current schedule it may be a little more difficult. Hope all is well in your world! :)

Last Night

I went out with some cast mates last night. We had a couple of drinks. I let my theatre crush be known. We kissed. We talked. I don't think he is the person I thought he might be. Just another disappointing discovery. But it's OK. At least it only took me a couple of hours to figure out this time. Besides, work has picked up over the last few weeks, and NYC looms on the horizon, followed by a choir performance, and a summer that may either be spent partially in Quebec or acting locally. Life is good.

Done with Dates

So...I met a couple of new guys recently. I went for coffee with one and for drinks with the other. The first one seemed rather dull, but he was a gentleman. The latter barely let me get a word in and then tried pushing the boundaries a little at the end of the night. I decided to give the dull one a second chance, since people sometimes are not themselves the first time getting together. The latter, I decided, was not worth my time. So tonight I was supposed to go to supper with the first guy. Long story short, there was one thing after another (all of which sounded legitimate) and I ended up sitting at the restaurant, like an idiot, alone. I ordered an appetizer and a glass of wine to give him some time to deal with his miniature catastrophe, and when I didn't hear back from him I texted to tell him I was leaving...at this point I had been sitting there alone for about an hour. I ordered food to go and came home. He texted and apologized and asked me to get together and do something else tonight. I declined. He asked if rescheduling was an option. I said I'd let him know. Honestly, I am more disappointed that I put time into getting ready and going down there and waiting and spending money on a meal when I could've stayed home than I am about missing the date. And it made me wonder if I should just write off dating altogether. I do still have that theatre crush though...the one I cannot read at all...

Something Missing

Try as I might, I can't seem to stay fully in the light. I haven't had a call for work since last Sunday...that's over two weeks. Doubts are creeping in. It's hard to stay positive in the face of no work. Which makes me think it may be time to start thinking and evaluating options again. The scale finally moved. I am down 0.6 today. Ironic, since I binged on Moo Moo's and buttered light rye last night when the rehearsal I'd been looking forward to since last week was cancelled unexpectedly and I was bummed out. I guess we all have ups and downs and this is one of my downs...but maybe it is up to me how far down I allow myself to go. I'm aiming for not far. I much prefer the feeling of being lit up from within. I just need to find it again and hang on for dear life.

In the meantime, is it too much to ask for a visit from the work fairy and the love fairy? That would be ideal! Much as I have been working on myself and my life, I feel like I'm still waiting on both of those to arrive. I try not to focus on it (and for a while I didn't even think about it), but it's still there. What do I need to do to fill those voids completely? Maybe I'm missing my friend or the last guy I was dating (who also started out as a friend and who I sometimes wish had stayed that way)...or maybe I'm just experiencing a lack of Vitamin D. Who the hell knows...Let's just hope it gets better again quickly, shall we?

A Long Overdue Update

October was craziness, pure and simple. I was finishing up my work contract and it consumed my life. I was also sorting through the remnants of what happened with the last Mr. Not So Spectacular. I'm happy to say I got past it entirely, finally.

November has been busy for a different reason. I've been back in town; catching up with friends and family and dating up a storm, as well as trying to set myself up for future work. I've met a couple of interesting guys, but I'm not sure if anything will go anywhere and, frankly, I don't care one way or the other at this point. Whatever happens, happens. I am getting better at weeding out the ones who are not what I'm looking for, so that's a plus.

In other news, I've also booked a long overdue trip off this island. I'll be meeting my cousin in New York for 5 days in May. Should be fun.

It's hard to be back in this boat - unemployed and uncertain of anything from day to day (the two month replacement was nice in that at least I knew what was going on in that time frame). I am keeping my fingers crossed and starting to send up some prayers that I hope will be answered, favourably, in the not too distant future.

Busy Bee

Work has been consuming me for the most part, and I have not been keeping up with the blog, amongst other things. I thought I would take a moment and do a quick update to remedy that a little...

So, first off, work: as previously stated, it's been quite busy. I am trying my best to stay afloat, but I am sometimes overcome with stress and anxiety and a feeling that no matter how hard I try and how many hours I put in, I can't seem to get ahead. I just hope I'm making some kind of progress and not spinning my wheels to no avail. In any event, it is nice to know where I am going each morning and have some (albeit temporary) stability in my professional life.

I never heard from the friend of a friend first or last after the last post. However, three other men from my past cropped up out of nowhere over the past couple of weeks: one asked me point blank if I wanted to get together and have sex (and if that wasn't bad enough, when I refused his offer, he accused me of being bitter over the way we ended and was a total pig to the point that I asked him not to ever contact me again), one claimed to miss me and want to spend time with me and asked if we can get together next time I'm in town (I was skeptical to begin with, and then I got the vibe that his intention was to try and get laid as well - he wasn't blatant or disrespectful at all, but I'm not into that and so I was rather unresponsive and vague), and the third professed to be head over heels for me (which I don't think is possible since I've never met him in person and he is in a relationship with someone else and that makes him off limits to me as far as I'm concerned...even though he doesn't see it that way). In addition to those three strike-outs, there is a new prospect on the scene. He is younger than me (26), but seems to be mature and sensible and is able to carry a good conversation. We shall see what happens.

My social life is pretty much non-existent, as I'm living with the parents during the week still, recently had bouts of bronchitis and laryngitis (which I still haven't fully recovered from), and have not been to town for a couple of weeks. I have no idea what is going to happen when my contract is up at the end of October...I've been keeping my apartment for now, but am unsure how long I can rationally continue to do that. I am quite looking forward to a time in the (hopefully not so distant) future when I will be somewhat settled and no longer living in limbo.

All in all, things are alright - it's good to be employed and I'm re-embracing singlehood for the time being :)

Sunday Morning Update

So...in my world, a lot has happened. In a nutshell, I met a really great guy who became totally smitten with me but who also was only here for a limited time and is now headed back to Nova Scotia until December, most likely.  He made reference a few times to me coming to Nova Scotia before then for a visit and how it would be awesome if we are both single when he gets back and if that's the case he'd love to get together again.

I am back in contact with the friend of a friend again. His ex girlfriend is not coming after all and they are not going to try again. I have mixed feelings about this. I was just starting to feel alive again and move past it when all of this came about. The feelings are still there and I want to take the opportunity and explore the connection the way we couldn't before, but I am also somewhat hesitant and perhaps a little resentful of the way everything unfolded. I'm being cautious and trying to keep a guard on my heart for now. We have to get together and talk about some things and I guess we'll see what happens from there.

AND in other news: I finally have a job!!!!! :D Well...it's only a two month replacement, but it's a start! It's unfamiliar territory, as well, in a lot of ways...so it's scary, stressful and exciting all at once. Fingers crossed I will survive and thrive and it will lead to bigger and better adventures and other employment opportunities...

Back To Life

I am feeling alive today for the first time in over a week. It is the first day since "the end" that I didn't have to force myself every step of the way. I think that is a good sign, yes? I've also decided that some pampering is in order...so right now I'm sitting here with treatment in my hair and an oatmeal, milk and honey masque on my face after a nice, long soak in the tub with some Epsom salts and essential oils. Yep, it may hurt and I may miss him and the situation may totally not make sense to me or anyone else, but I'm tougher than all that and it's going to be OK...

On another note, I have a blind date on Thursday and have been chatting with a couple of other guys who have been helping distract me when things are slow and my mind needs occupying...or redirecting, whatever the case may be...

Coping With The Aftermath

In general, there is an emptiness...as if a piece of me is missing. Although a friend comfortingly pointed out that experiences shape the soul and if he is now a part of my soul he will always be with me in a way. That and a hot Portuguese marine who provided an excellent distraction got me through the past few days. Now it's back to real life and pushing myself to let go, move on, and get through this. I am coping fairly well, but everything feels very lackluster and mundane for the time being...

The New Guy

Could it be? Have I finally found a decent guy to date? It would appear so, but I'm hesitant to say for sure just yet. Tonight was supposed to be date number three in the past five days, but he had to cancel due to family obligations (with the request that we reschedule if possible...I shall find out tomorrow what's going on there)...still, that's a lot more frequently than I usually see new guys. Of course, it could just be because he is going on vacation for a bit soon and I haven't had many plans this week so it's been easy to fit him in. So far he seems really nice and he's been a perfect gentleman. The initial awkwardness of meeting someone new dissipated rather quickly and by date number two I was totally comfortable. I'm looking forward to seeing him again...he's not what I'm usually attracted to in the looks department, but there's just something about him. He has a warm and brilliant smile, penetrating eyes, and a calm demeanor. I want to learn more about him. He has also totally respected my space. He asked before hugging me and he hasn't tried to kiss me or touch me in any other way. How refreshing is it to not have to create barriers and concoct evasive strategies to head off groping and mauling? Admittedly, not all guys are like that...I guess I've just been extra lucky to have been in the company of many who have necessitated honing my techniques as an escape artist. I must admit, though, I am kind of curious now how kissing him might be...his arm brushed against mine in the movie theatre and, corny as it sounds, it was actually kind of electrifying...I can't help but wonder if he felt that, too...?

Strange Propositions

A couple of days ago I got a message on the dating site...it was an offer to strip for me...or for me and my friends, if I'd prefer - for free, of course...the fulfillment of someone else's fantasy. I started to reflect on other questions and offers I've received over the past - what? - year now. There was the request to be in a threesome with a man and his wife, the query as to whether I'd be down with gagging a man with my bare hands, the countless married or otherwise attached men looking for discreet fun, the man who told me to run in the other direction because he is addicted to porn...and on and on...Which got me thinking: do the people who share these things so quickly with random strangers ever actually intend to act on them? Or is the thrill in the shock value of the message itself and the possibility of some online interaction based around the imagined scenario? Seriously...Newfoundland and St. John's are not exactly big, densely populated places. Chances are, if you acted on those things you wouldn't be able to keep the encounters anonymous or secret for long, if at all. People might want to consider that before sharing too much info on the net...just sayin'...

Unexpected Compliments

Most of my life, I lacked confidence and self-esteem. Thankfully, that has been steadily improving over the past few years...with no thanks to my exes, who were really not big on compliments. I've come to realize that compliments are important. But only if they are sincere. That was always my problem...I never bought the sincerity of the complimenter in question when it came to me. But I make it a habit to always compliment people sincerely whenever I notice something positive. It might be that I like their smile or hair...it could be that the colour they are wearing suits them or the cut of their clothes is flattering...perhaps it's that they have a comforting presence or a nice voice...but whatever positive it is that I notice, I try to share it. What better way to create some feel good vibes for yourself than by making someone else feel good? 

I'm getting better at distinguishing between BS and heartfelt compliments that I am given and accepting them gracefully instead of immediately dismissing them the way I was always wont to do. I guess it was the inability to think highly of myself or believe that anyone else could either. 

I digress...

Last night I went to a wedding. I bought a new red dress and borrowed some jewelry from my cousin. I wore my black strappy sandals. I left my hair au natural and spent a little extra time on my makeup. I felt good. And after a few drinks I loosened up on the dance floor and started enjoying myself. A beautiful blonde woman made a point of dancing over to me to tell me I was stunning. I was blown away - I had been thinking the same thing about her. It felt so good to have a total stranger with no agenda say that to me. I thanked her with heartfelt sincerity and returned the compliment. It's nice to be secure enough to compliment others but it's also nice to be secure enough to accept them. 

Conversations in the Dark

Me: hi

Cheating Bastard: [blank stare]

Me: no hard feelings, OK?

CB: [pause] since when?

Me: since whenever, man

CB: [with questioning look] why?

Me: because you lied to me and I don't appreciate being lied to.

CB [confused shrug and headshake]

Me: you @$%&ed up. All you had to do was tell the truth.

CB: Man, honestly, I don't have anything to say to you

Me: That's fine. I just saw you and I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to interfere with your night and I expect the same. OK?

CB: [uncertain nod]

Me: K. Have fun

CB: [another uncertain nod]

Me: [smile, turn, walk away]

...and now I wonder why I didn't ask why...but his expression told me that he did get what he deserved...
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: in every break up there is a winner and a loser. Usually the winner wins by a tiny margin. You won by a landslide. He will never forget you and he will never get over this...well...he might get 90% over it, but someday 30 years down the road he's gonna be married and he's gonna be sitting on the couch and his wife's gonna be out somewhere and he's gonna be thinking of you. Guys don't show vulnerability like that either. For him to come out and ask you why...it's been eating at him.

Me: you really think so?

K: Absolutely.
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: [unexpectedly kisses me]

Me: OK, this is awkward. I'm sorry, I can't do this.

K: why's that?

Me: [thinking...ruling out possible answers] I'm just not in a good place right now (partial truth after earlier run in with CB).

K: that's cool.

Me: K. Good. You seem like a good guy and all and I'm sorry for making you feel awkward, but I just can't.

K: that's alright [hugs me]

Me: Well I think I'm going to head home.

K: Really? Well I think you're really cool and I'd like you to stay. We don't have to do anything.

Me: Thanks...but I'm calling a cab and I'm gonna go home (translation: I wasn't born yesterday and I know damned well if I stay you're gonna try).

K: You're gonna leave me here with them?

Me: yup. 'fraid so.

K: The cab won't be here for a little while though...[tries to kiss me again]

Me: No, seriously. I'm going. Later. Have a good night. [all but dashing through the door with my sandals undone]

KISSing The Weekend Away

This weekend brought more last minute plans for moi. My brother, his girlfriend, and some friends were heading to Grand Falls-Windsor for Salmon Fest, which they had been planning for months. I was set to attend a family gathering. However, at the 11th hour, my baby bro called and issued another invite with the incentive of a reduced price ticket he had discovered online. After some consideration, I decided what the hell...you only live once and how many more opportunities will I ever have to see KISS? 

Needless to say, the trip was filled with many adventures. We spent a sleepless night at Red Cliff (which they were told was a totally different site but which actually only had a new name) followed by an early morning decision to uproot and look elsewhere for better accommodations. We figured the chances of finding somewhere were slim to none, but were determined not to spend another night at the campsite dealing with the behaviour that was going on and were wracking our brains for some solution over breakfast. Don't get me wrong, it started out as a great atmosphere and we were having a grand time, but with the wee hours also came raiding and escalated rowdiness in our area and by 7am we had had enough. When we told a local waitress of our plight, she initially had no suggestions to offer. However, she later came back and gave us her address so that we could relocate to her backyard. We tipped her very generously and headed over to set up camp. 

After a few unsuccessful hours of trying to catch some Zs in the heat, we got showered up, had a barbecue and a few drinks before heading to the concert. Our hosts had very graciously given us a key to their house in case we got back before them and needed to use the washroom or anything, which was, again, much appreciated. 

We made it to Centennial Field partway through Smashmouth's set and got situated in the crowd. We bypassed the beer tent with it's insane line ups in favour of enjoying the tunes we paid to see. The rain started as KISS hit the stage and we were soaked to the skin by the time they finished up, but KISS delivered and every uncomfortable rain drenched second was worth it. In fact, we didn't really notice at all until we walked back to the tents in a veritable river, freezing to death and wringing our clothes as we went, our fingers and toes shrivelled like prunes. We actually took turns changing into dry clothes in our hosts' woodshed with a flashlight and making mad dashes to the tents...which were a little damp but a lot better than anticipated as we trudged there to inspect the damage with high hopes and low expectations. 

Early Sunday morning we balled everything up, threw it into the vehicles and headed back, stopping in Gander for a bite to eat along the way. We left our hosts with an anniversary present and a thank you card and took with us the memories and the gratitude for the unexpected, above and beyond human kindness and hospitality we had been shown. 

Oh, and the guy from the other night? He was there as well. We had a bit of a thing going on Friday night, but he went his own way Saturday night. It's a little odd, as he is friends with my brother and that has made it a little awkward for both of us in the situations we've been in so far. When we said our goodbyes we did it as any other acquaintances would do, as if we hadn't been making out like teenagers every chance we got to be alone together both nights we were in each other's company. I'm not really sure how one goes about navigating these types of situations and so I just kind of acted as if nothing had transpired between us and he did the same...although I'm pretty sure we got busted a few times by our companions. I guess time will tell if anything becomes of it, but I'm not holding my breath. It was fun while it lasted and he seems like a nice guy, but I also think he's very much still in a playing the field frame of mind. And hey, if nothing else, I'm really learning to embrace spontaneity, prepare for things on a moment's notice, and being reminded not to get prematurely wrapped up in men. That's all got to count for something and I'm having a kick ass summer so far!

Surprise Encounter

So...the real world threw me a bone, so to speak...although on second thought that sounds like it has far too many sexual connotations haha. I went to my baby brother's last night and had a few drinks with him, his girlfriend, and a few of his friends from college....one of whom is kinda cute and happened to put the makes on me partway through the night. There was some chemistry there and we talked and laughed a bit. Who knows if I'll ever see him again, but it was nice to break the real world dry spell that's been ongoing since Marchish (although somewhat self-inflicted). I'm just gonna take it for what it was at this point and try not to read anything into anything. We shall see...

Post Party Mash Up

Friday night was epic. My girls and I did the Party Bus thing and spent the night downtown gettin our groove on. Many entertaining anecdotes followed the next day, of course, amongst ourselves, and it was infinitely amusing to re-hash the evening's events. However, we were also all duly reminded that gone are the days of partying from Thursday to Sunday...now it's party Thursday and recover til Sunday...or, you know...party Friday and recover til Wednesday...whatever.  The important thing is, it was a blast and it was much needed.

In other news, the 'friendship' with the Labradorian boggles me. I won't even go there right now. Suffice it to say that we may have different ideas of what it means to be friends and how one's friends should be treated.

I re-connected with an old friend in BC the other night...that was really nice. We hadn't spoken in about a year, give or take. Lots to catch up on, for sure. Interestingly enough, she has decided to take on the administration of the school we taught at together. Apparently they have hired 3 new teachers for the upcoming year and haven't heard anything in a while from one of them...she said if they don't hear from this person, I may be getting a phone call. In all honesty, up until very recently if someone had asked me if I would go back to the place I started my teaching career, the answer would have been an emphatic and resounding 'no.' However, being that I need steady income to get back on my feet and have more experience under my belt now - and that I'm single and free of the thoughts, feelings and opinions of the  significant other who went with me last time and (I now realize) colored my own thinking quite a bit - I may be willing to give it a re-do and see where it takes me. Of course, the likelihood that that would actually come to pass is still slim.

Party Time!!!

I'm going out tonight. I'm gonna let my hair down and shake my booty. I can't wait. It's long overdue :)

Psychics, Comedians, and Fairs

Happily, yesterday was great. My girl and I spent it together and packed it with fun stuff. We started by visiting a psychic (who was adamant I will marry once and have a child or two, among other things, so perhaps there's still an out from spinsterhood at some point, who knows...). I'm not sure if I buy into that stuff or not, but it's entertaining either way and it kind of does give you something to hang on to and look forward to (provided you are told what you wanted to hear, which I mostly was). The BFF got a good reading as well. Thankfully the guy verified what I've been telling her for months - that her ex wasn't good for her and the best thing she ever did was finally walk away from him. Hallelujah. I might have had some real trouble on my hands if he had said otherwise!

Following that, we went back to her pad to regroup and then took ourselves to Yuk Yuk's for dinner and live comedy. I had the pasta, she had the chicken, and we both topped it off with the cheesecake and a cup of tea (proper party animals, aren't we?). The food wasn't great, but it was OK. I'd recommend the chicken over the pasta I think. She joked that she's sick of looking like a lesbian out in public with me. Let's just say we spend a lot of time together and there have been a few incidents that could have been misconstrued by onlookers...comments taken out of context, tasting each other's food and whatnot. It's a huge inside joke at this point. Might as well laugh! Speaking of laughter...the Yuk Yuk's comedy lineup?...well...not exactly hilarious, but the comics (host Dave Martin and hometown girl Lisa Baker) had their moments and I did laugh quite a bit at some of the headliner, Stephen Patterson's, bits.

After a brief foray into Chapters to peruse the shelves, we decided to go for a drive. I happened to notice lights in the Zellers parking lot on Stavanger and we popped in to jump on a couple of rides at Thomas Amusements. The Catch N Air was decent (lots of laughs punctuated with bursts of screams, mostly from moi, as we realized someone was filming as the ride went by and also that we were probably overdressed for the fair and very likely the oldest customers on the premises), but the Tornado (although we got to enjoy it solo to romantic music playing - what more could you ask?) was rather underwhelming.

The one bad point is that, unfortunately, a few couples came in and sat in the seats directly below us. Why was that bad? Well, because they all (the females especially) apparently deemed it necessary to bathe in perfume and cologne before heading out for the evening. This means that, despite popping allergy pills at the first onslaught and afterwards, I suffered for the rest of the night and continue to suffer today. My nose was running, my throat got all scratchy and irritated, my skin was itching, my voice has been coming and going, I developed a headache, my sinuses are now stuffed, and I've been coughing off and on. Lovely. I just got over the flu and I'm sick again. Most pleasant. Is it that people still remain uneducated about or unaware of this stuff or just that they don't give a shit what effect it has on others? Sigh....so hard not to be bitter and harbour an intense dislike and resentment of these random perpetrators...I will say that the thought, "Thanks for making me sick assholes!" has crossed my mind....I know, I know...people have a right to wear whatever fragrances they like yadda yadda...but I have a right to go to public places as well and hopefully be able to enjoy myself in comfort, do I not? I have been in these situations before and either changed seats or left the venue, but I paid a little more than I'd like to have to up and leave without seeing the show and there weren't any other seats we could move to, so that wasn't an option. I dunno...I think a person's right to be well outweighs someones wanting to smell like a chemical factory...and at the very least, do you really need people to be able to smell you that far away??? Then again, I'm obviously biased. Either way, I seriously hope one day they find out firsthand what it's like to be bombarded by things out of your control that make you ill.

Respites In Lieu of Remedies

So I feel like all I've done lately (on here especially) is whine and complain. This is my attempt to remedy that a little... I went for a walk in Bowring Park today. I did part of the South Brook trail and the loop between the duck ponds a couple of times as well. It took everything I had to get through the door, but I'm so glad I went. My only regret is that I didn't think to bring my camera (so I may cheat and post an old pic of the park if I can find one on my external drive later). It was glorious. The wind in my hair and the sun on my face, the babbling brooks and shade speckled forest floor, the birds flitting here and there, the bright blue sky and fluffy white clouds, the beautiful tulips....I really did my best to drink it all in and appreciate every aspect of the incredible gift of nature. I reminded myself that I am lucky and blessed just to be able to go for a walk, by myself, in that kind of setting. I smiled at everyone I passed...at first I faked it, but by the end I think they were actually genuine. I suppose that's something. And now, after returning home and making an omelette for lunch, I am thankful to find that my spirits have been buoyed for the time being. I feel...not happy and carefree and not as if things have meaning again and I have a purpose...but OK. Calm. Grateful for the little things. The flu that has been preventing me from being active and getting exercise seems to be getting better and so that should help. Nothing like breaking a sweat to help keep stress and anxiety in check. Anyway...time to go attempt some productivity and hopefully tonight get out and do something social or at least take in a movie with a friend...we shall see...