A Long Overdue Update

I have been meaning to check in here for awhile now, but it just hasn't happened. I could blather on with excuses and apologies, but I will keep it brief. The basic gist is that life's been busy and there have been a bunch of things to deal with, as is the case with just about everybody I would imagine. Boyfriend and I moved in together a few months ago, he got laid off and is back in school and I have been doing some soul-searching as to whether or not to stay in my current career and hold my breath for an opening or move on to greener pastures. Problem is, I have no idea what those would be or how to get there. Then there's just the regular old day to day stuff that fills up our lives. Anyway, I have been thinking about the blog off and on and I'm wondering what to do with it now. I am no longer single and dating and I haven't written anything in forever. Perhaps another face lift?

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

Absent

Where are you when I talk to you and my words bounce off your ears? Why can you not be present? The number of times I am asked to repeat myself is almost insulting...except that I know you are not you. And then you claim to not know the things I have already told you. It is so difficult to choke back the frustration and disappointment. I love you dearly, my friend, but I very rarely get to see you these days. Your self-imposed isolation has become more literal than metaphorical and has no explanation...or one that makes so little sense I am not sure what to make of it. I don't know how to reach you or what to expect when I finally do...will it be anger I find? Sadness? Loneliness? Or am I expected to pretend, yet again, that everything is normal? When did this anomaly become acceptable in my world? I long to remove these kid gloves and walk on something more substantial than eggshells. I'm so weary of having the same conversation and making/accepting excuses on your behalf. I can no longer cope in this role. Where are you?

Crash and Burn

The friend of a friend and I fell into talking every day again. We got together last Monday and had a fabulous time. I drove to see him and spend the night this Friday. But something had changed. He wasn't the same. And it left me feeling empty. So Saturday night I gave him a spiel about how I couldn't handle seeing him when he was mourning someone else and how when he is whole again if he wants me he can come find me and we'll see where I'm at then. However, his response (which was basically to accept it and say he was still messed up but knew when the time is right it could happen with us and that he doesn't expect me to wait for him) was underwhelming and made me re-evaluate everything. I was hurt and I got angry. The anger was still there when I woke up this morning and this afternoon I decided to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation - that if he was in shock over what had happened with her, he was blind because there's no way it should have come as a shock. That if he truly meant what he had said about his feelings for me, I wouldn't have had to seek reassurance and that if he had truly wanted me then or now he would've fought for me. That I had been feeling so empty after going to see him that I debated leaving him a note and taking off in the middle of the night (which is totally out of character for me), that I felt stupid for believing him and allowing myself be vulnerable to him. He didn't say anything. His response was to delete me from his contact list. I cannot believe he would do something so immature. I texted him the rest of what I was going to say...which was basically that he obviously isn't my guy and that I have no one to blame but myself for getting so caught up when I knew the state he was in and I did it anyway. And so now the hurt is intensified and the emptiness is back full force. I don't know how to make this right for myself. And yet throughout the sick feeling I am experiencing, I still want to reach out to him and see if he's OK. I want to apologize for being harsh...even though all I did was speak my mind and he is the one who wasn't an adult about it. But I don't think contacting him again is wise right now. What to do....?

Heartsick Meanderings

Today has been rough, yet again. I'm coming down with what feels like the flu and that only makes the missing worse. The one comfort I got today was in talking to my cousin, who told me that not even ten minutes after we talked on Sunday he ended up calling to talk to her husband (his brother). He expressed that he was having a tough time with the situation and hated that he had hurt me and asked how I was doing. She assured me that he had cared every bit as much as it had appeared he had...that I had done the right thing in responding the way I had, and that he will no doubt be spending the time until she comes doing some serious thinking. My cousin also commented that she doesn't think she's ever seen me like this over another man...that I usually bounce back fairly quickly and don't suffer this way. It's funny because I was pondering the same thing myself prior to our conversation. Have I ever felt this way? It certainly feels like a different kind of pain and loss than I remember experiencing before. Anyway, the goal for tomorrow is to try and recapture some sort of normalcy and productivity. Keeping busy seems to be as good a plan as any...So does trying to be in bed before 3am for the first time in a week...

Standing at the Edge and Looking Down

It's amazing how a mood can change in mere seconds. I have managed to go from drowning in frustration induced blues mired in indecision to a sort of cautious, optimistic anticipation. I am still not past the dreaded murky waters, but I am approaching a precipice and am attempting to work up the nerve to take a life altering plunge (in more ways than one). I have a feeling 2010 will shape up to be a big year for me, even if it does get off to a slow start. After all these static months spent analyzing, wondering, and trying to sort out what feels like a myriad of convoluted decisions that need to be made, something's got to give.

I am reminded of a conversation I had with a friend back in the fall. She pointed out that part of my problem may be that I had a life plan in my mind and I am panicking because that plan isn't working out the way I had hoped. So I am working on editing that plan, discarding some baggage, and minimizing the pressures I have placed on myself over the years in the process. It has taken a few months to convince myself that it is not a matter of life and death if I don't meet all the goals and deadlines I set for myself. Perhaps it is silly to even imagine that life would unfold that way just because I envisioned it and tried to work towards it....which just triggered another conversation I had with some different friends of mine while I was home this past summer. You just can't plan certain things. Sometimes the unexpected lands in your lap and you have to follow where it takes you and see where it leads. I am trying not to think about the alternative - that I will be one of those people who endures a boring existance and never finds the right direction to get where they want to go....

I know I will be ok no matter which path I choose (although the outcomes may be different). It's just a matter of taking that first step...

Any good vibes sent this way would be greatly appreciated. Meanwhile, I will be crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. Wish me luck!

Conversations at Christmas

Brother: So Mom was saying she can't figure out what you gave her for Christmas.

Me: What do you mean?

Brother: Yeah, she said she doesn't understand because all she got was a Bounty bar wrapped up in paper towels in a little box...

Me: Oh my! Don't tell me [the stepdad] forgot to put her gift under the tree! Didn't he tell her what was going on?

Brother: No, I don't think so...she said she looked all over the place to see if she misplaced her gift when she unpacked the parcel, but she couldn't find anything.

Me: Great.

(ring, ring...mom picks up...)

Me: Hi. So did you figure out what your Christmas gift was yet?

Mom: No...I was sitting there watching [the stepdad] open his gifts thinking, "well I must have been a really bad Mom this year"

Me: Put your husband on the phone please...

(Stepfather picks up)

Me: Ummmm did you not think it was a little odd when you were sitting there opening your gifts from us that all Mom had was a bar?

Stepfather: Yeah, I thought it was a bit strange. I helped her look all over the house though and we couldn't find any other presents, and she looked in here too (his parents house) figuring maybe she sent it in by accident but there's nothing here....

Me: Where is the gift certificate your sister picked up for me back in November? You were supposed to put it under the tree?!?!?

Stepfather: (laughing very hard) Oh, s#&*! Well, that's a good one...I forgot all about that! (calling over his shoulder) I know where your gift is! I'll get it for you when we go home! (hahaha)

Me: SIGH...put Mom back on the phone...

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that a man who hides various cards all around the house, forgets, picks up more, and then finds them the following year when he is looking to stash a new set, forgot to put something he didn't purchase under the tree for someone else. The sad thing is that not only did my stepfather completely forget our conversation about how I was going to send that bar in wrapping paper as a decoy and help Mom look for her missing gift, but when they were visiting his family (who all knew what her gift was), she told them about her confusion and not ONE of them piped up and told her the difference because it didn't dawn on ANY of them!

Ah well, I'm not sure what that says about their memories (or lack of), but it makes for some good comic relief anyway...

Random Thoughts

1. I am so proud of myself today. I am almost finished my Christmas shopping, I worked out for the first time in ages (so wanting to get back into the routine, and so have not been able to since the decadent summer I enjoyed in Newfoundland), I took care of some stuff I have been wanting to do around the apartment, and I cooked and baked a bunch of stuff for the week. Yay me! (and that is my attempt at - to quote a dear friend of mine "shooting rainbows out my ass" today.)

2. H1N1 shot...indecision reigns. I have been doing a little research on the web and polling for opinions in other blogs and still have not come to any conclusions, except that the people who believe we should all be vaccinated really do express themselves quite vehemently! The thing is, I find it a little hard to separate the reality from the hype about this situation at times and, like all things, you could probably interpret the information several different ways depending on what you want to draw from it. One article I read had virtually convinced me to head out and have a needle jabbed in my arm and what I read from another had me thinking that there really was no need to do that, as H1N1's stats and behaviour are not a whole lot different than your garden variety seasonal flu. For those who are also still undecided, here are a couple of links to information dealing with the issue (I won't include all of the subjective blog posts I have perused):

http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/qa.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/vaccination/general.htm
http://www.cdc.gov/h1n1flu/vaccination/vaccine_safety.htm
http://www.who.int/csr/disease/swineflu/en/
http://www.gov.bc.ca/h1n1/
http://www.healthlinkbc.ca/healthfiles/hfile108b.stm

3. Sigh...I am still playing the waiting game while searching for answers and exploring other avenues for jobs and locations. I am someone who likes to be prepared (halt! before those who know me can protest - procrastination and preparedness need not be mutually exclusive in my humble opinion!) and it is getting really annoying going from day to day and not knowing WHAT I am preparing for...I have packed up a bunch of stuff in case of a possible move, but I have no idea when and where we are going as of yet. We have been considering the north, but have not had any luck finding suitable jobs so far and we haven't been able to come up with a solid back up plan if that falls through. We just know that we don't plan on staying here forever and as much as it didn't make sense to move before when we didn't know where else we wanted to be, it also doesn't really make sense to stay here much longer if we don't intend to set down roots.

4. I was reading some articles from the local paper online and the comments that follow some of them are disgusting. I have to say, I was definitely not prepared for the level of racism that exists here. When I first moved to BC, I was expecting to find communities that appreciated the diversity of their citizens and excited to have an opportunity to learn about other cultures myself. The reality, I am finding, is much different. Specifically, I was - and still am - shocked at the tension that exists between natives and non-natives (on both sides), and have been in a few situations where it has made me more than a little uncomfortable. I am sure people with those types of mentalities exist throughout Canada and the world, but I got my first real exposure to it 4 years ago when I moved here and being hit in the face by it several times since has done nothing but disturb me more.

5. Just because a list of 4 things doesn't seem quite right...I am a little perplexed at my inability to produce a decent graham cracker crust....

From the East to the West

So I got to thinking the other day about various stuff I have encountered since I've been "Out West," and while there are some things that I have totally appreciated, there are others that I truly just don't get. I decided to short list a few for shits and giggles...

Things I enjoy:

1. The different landscapes. Love 'em. They're beautiful, and I have a bijillion pictures from all over the place to prove it. The mountains have become a part of me, just like the ocean always has been.

2. The fresh mountain air (which does NOT exist everywhere - read: mills galore - and will never replace the salty tang of the air in the North Atlantic). I am not sure how to describe it at the moment, but it is quite refreshing and rejuvenating in a way I've not experienced elsewhere.

3. The attitude that anything is possible (for the most part). There just seems to be a different kind of reality here. Instead of the pervasive, ingrained belief that things are unrealistic and unattainable, people see opportunities and possibilities, grab them and go for it!

4. There are four seasons and they actually occur when they are supposed to. It's a nice change to go through the cycle of winter, spring, summer, fall and experience each during the time frame in which it is supposed to come and go (instead of 3/4 of the year being winter, with a touch of the other three seasons thrown in just for appearances sake).

5. The increased ability to travel. Obviously, being on the Mainland offers advantages in this area...immediately, you eliminate the need to get off an island to go anywhere which makes things infinitely less complicated and more accessibile. You can reach more places by driving, and flights, in general, are cheaper (unless you are flying back east for a visit, that is...)

And now for the things that befuddle me:

1. I do not and will not ever understand what would drive someone to put sliced/chopped up mystery deli sandwich meat on top of Chinese food and serve it. However, I have encountered it in several places in BC and after several disappointing trial and error sessions and having to frown at my food, screw up my face, tutt, sigh, and pick it all off, I decided to boycott Chinese restaurants anywhere north of Vancouver (unless specifically recommended, in which case I may cautiously take a deep breath and give it a go) just in case...

2. I fail to comprehend why so many people feel the need to possess a dually or any other huge truck for that matter. I'm sorry, but there is no way THAT MANY people own and/or help operate a ranch/farm or have some other job-related issue that requires them to drive one of those gas-guzzling, atmosphere polluting beasts (which also apparently entitles the owner to monopolize the road at all times). Why else would you need one? It just irks me.

3. Passing lane etiquette in BC. 'Nough said (...but for the "Easterners" - read: anyone who resides anywhere past Saskatchewan - who may not know what I am talking about, I will briefly explain that when you see a passing lane, no matter how slow you are going beforehand, it means "GIVE 'ER!!!!!" If you see someone who looks like they may be attempting to pass you, stamp down on the gas until the passing lane ends, at which time you can slam on the brakes again and agitate them by forcing them to stay behind and follow you. Do this repeatedly). In Alberta, the issue seems to be an inability to drive below 140 or merge in traffic.

4. Newfoundland = Nova Scotia = New Brunswick. Yep, they're all the same place, and all included in "The Maritimes"...along with PEI of course - didn't you know? Totally interchangeable! The Annapolis Valley? Right next to St. John's, of course! ...and a person who is from Nova Scotia is called a Newfie, just like a Newfoundlander must be from Nova Scotia, right? Unless New Brunswick comes to mind first, that is...

5. The widespread inability to pronounce "Newfoundland" correctly...even when provided with repeated examples from a native Newfoundlander. Rhymes with "understand." Is it really that hard? I mean seriously, do I walk around calling this place "BRIGHT-ish Column-BEE-ah???" Honestly!!!

Now, in all fairness, I know there are things about Eastern Canadians that throw westerners off too (I personally find it makes my life easier to neutralize my accent and delete certain words and phrases from my speech when I am not at home, as a preventative measure, for starters). Hell, there are things that boggle my mind and I am from there!

Yes, there's no doubt those who have ventured east have probably been smacked in the face by our quirks just as much as we are by theirs (although I do think the eastern provinces offer up more fodder as they are more diverse than the western ones in my humble opinion. I can't really speak for central or the territories). However, I am also sure our western visitors have taken away things that have pleasantly surprised and enlightened them, just like I have out here.

Anyway - no matter how you slice it - easterners and westerners are just DIFFERENT. It's important to be aware of those differences (let's face it - some people are just plain oblivious), and celebrate that diversity and uniqueness as much as possible while remembering to afford others our respect...even if we do feel the need to walk away shaking our heads and rolling our eyes sometimes.

At The Crossroads

Being an adult truly blows goats sometimes. There are a bunch of changes coming down the tubes lately (mostly intertwined, which tends to complicate matters), and I'm not sure if I am prepared for any of them. In fact, I am not even sure I can separate them enough to formulate a coherent account of the issues I am currently attempting to navigate my way around - either here OR at the personal sorting station inside my brain :s Nevertheless, I will attempt to outline a few in this entry (if only to wrap my own head around it once more)...It's all pretty basic stuff, I'm sure, but with my knack for making things more complicated and worrisome than they need to be, it's no wonder I feel like I am weaving my way through a beast-ridden jungle right now...

First and foremost, 29 is a few days away - which means 30 is lurking just around the corner, waiting to pounce on me. I'm not sure it is something I could ever be ready for, but it boggles my mind to no end to contemplate all the things I wanted to see/do/accomplish before that benchmark age. Following that up with an attempt to figure out the logistics of checking them off my list and facing the dawning reality of how much time I actually have left in which to realize those dreams with an expiry date is rather daunting in itself, all other considerations aside.

Secondly, I am seriously debating my chosen career (have been for a while) and am currently weighing my options. It's a confusing and frustrating process at times, needless to say, and I really fail to see an endless stream of possibilities outside my door. Not to mention that when an adult contemplates these things, he/she not only has to figure out "what do I want?" and "how much time do I have?," but also take into consideration "what can I afford?," which will dictate what is acceptable in terms of salary, further schooling/training, etc. when weighed against current finances as well as present and future quality of life. In the meantime, said adult (in this case, moi) needs to keep afloat financially...which in my case means a continuation/waiting game of sorts in my current career coupled with an intensive job search on the side for solutions unknown.

Which brings us to the third conundrum...where does one find the solutions to all those ponderings? There is a ceaseless brain wracking, question asking, information seeking and running around in circles that follows these questions around in the adult world (or in my brain anyway). I am searching for ways to work these things into a (preferably better than) satisfactory outcome, but also have to factor in the fact that I am, at the moment, far away from my entire social network and not wanting to set down permanent roots in the place in which I have been residing for the past 3 years (although I have been working on a few temporary ones in the past year or so). I am debating a move...but where? I have been focusing on one place in particular at present. A place which I have never visited, is also far away from familiar surroundings and devoid of all present social connections but one, and poses many other definite challenges of its own.

I'm sure by now you get my drift...I'm a freak and I think things to death. I'll shut up now. In the meantime, I am continuing to float around restlessly in limbo, wishing for psychic abilities that would allow me to explore all the possibilities presented by each path I could take, risk free!

That's some pretty freaky shit right there...Seriously...how much simpler was life when I was half my age?

On another (related or unrelated - depending on how you look at it) note, I am experiencing a wave of homesickness tonight and spent hours scouring YouTube for videos of familiar and comforting sights and sounds. It's tough being a fish out of water sometimes, even if you do adapt to life on land...