The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

Two Things

1. I think I may be finally ready to love again and I kinda miss being in love. I actually found myself feeling envious over pictures of a teenage romance posted on facebook yesterday...she looks stunningly beautiful and blissfully happy and he looks like he adores her more than anyone or anything he has ever encountered. He also made some of the cutest, warmest, most genuine comments ever underneath those pictures. It's so sweet. I hope it works out for them.

2. Probably one of the biggest and best, most freeing lessons I learned over the past year, summed up in a Jason Mraz song:

Ball of Sunshine

Warm fuzzies are radiating from my every pore. I am very thankful and very cognizant of the fact that I am an extremely lucky girl. I have a wonderful family and some pretty amazing friends. Add to that that I got a call for work tomorrow, spent lots of time with some of my favourite people this weekend, journalled for the first time in ages today, and have taken the time to really acknowledge and rediscover my passion for acting and love of singing and you can begin to see why I would be so suffused with calm happiness and contented gratitude tonight. My soul is delighted and I just want to spread the sunshine to every corner I can reach. It may, perhaps, sound nauseatingly sweet and over-the-top optimistic, but I swear it is genuine and it is true. Such a great feeling to be so full of love and light and positivity! I MUST be on the right path!

On a couple of unrelated (hmm or maybe somehow connected?) notes, I am starting to get excited about my upcoming trip to New York, and I think I may be developing a bit of a crush.

Up and Running

I'm quite proud of myself. I have so far devised a quit plan, made a list of schools to hit (8 of which I visited today), printed off resumes, and cleaned and tidied a couple more little sections of my apartment. I am oozing positivity and good vibes and I love it :) I think I may have finally regained my balance. Here's hoping I can keep it and make it work for me!

Dear Santa

I know you couldn't leave what I want most under the tree, but I really hope you see fit to deliver it at some point this year. In fact, that would be very much appreciated.

Back To Life

I am feeling alive today for the first time in over a week. It is the first day since "the end" that I didn't have to force myself every step of the way. I think that is a good sign, yes? I've also decided that some pampering is in order...so right now I'm sitting here with treatment in my hair and an oatmeal, milk and honey masque on my face after a nice, long soak in the tub with some Epsom salts and essential oils. Yep, it may hurt and I may miss him and the situation may totally not make sense to me or anyone else, but I'm tougher than all that and it's going to be OK...

On another note, I have a blind date on Thursday and have been chatting with a couple of other guys who have been helping distract me when things are slow and my mind needs occupying...or redirecting, whatever the case may be...

Unexpected Acts of Kindness

I went on a hike today with a couple of girlfriends. We chilled on the beach and frolicked in the ocean for a bit and took our time enjoying being amongst the trees on the trail on the way back. It was great. We saw a bald eagle and another creature we couldn't quite decide on...the consensus seemed to be either a seal or a sea lion or something. Upon our return to the car, I happened to notice an RCMP vehicle parked next to us...we speculated as to the cause, but none of us had any inkling of the actual reason...

As we approached, the officer (who was uber cute I might add) greeted us and asked for one of us specifically by name. It turns out she had lost her wallet at some point that day (completely unbeknownst to any of us) and a good samaritan had turned it in to the policeman. He, in turn, had driven down to the trail head and ran my other friend's license plate through the system when he saw her parked car. He came to the conclusion that since they have the same last name (they're sisters), perhaps we had come back to look for the wallet and so he waited for us.

Nothing was missing and, in fact, he even produced and returned the Pringles snack pack she had been missing on the hike and assumed she had left in the car. Life sure is strange and wonderful sometimes :)

The New Guy

Could it be? Have I finally found a decent guy to date? It would appear so, but I'm hesitant to say for sure just yet. Tonight was supposed to be date number three in the past five days, but he had to cancel due to family obligations (with the request that we reschedule if possible...I shall find out tomorrow what's going on there)...still, that's a lot more frequently than I usually see new guys. Of course, it could just be because he is going on vacation for a bit soon and I haven't had many plans this week so it's been easy to fit him in. So far he seems really nice and he's been a perfect gentleman. The initial awkwardness of meeting someone new dissipated rather quickly and by date number two I was totally comfortable. I'm looking forward to seeing him again...he's not what I'm usually attracted to in the looks department, but there's just something about him. He has a warm and brilliant smile, penetrating eyes, and a calm demeanor. I want to learn more about him. He has also totally respected my space. He asked before hugging me and he hasn't tried to kiss me or touch me in any other way. How refreshing is it to not have to create barriers and concoct evasive strategies to head off groping and mauling? Admittedly, not all guys are like that...I guess I've just been extra lucky to have been in the company of many who have necessitated honing my techniques as an escape artist. I must admit, though, I am kind of curious now how kissing him might be...his arm brushed against mine in the movie theatre and, corny as it sounds, it was actually kind of electrifying...I can't help but wonder if he felt that, too...?

Psychics, Comedians, and Fairs

Happily, yesterday was great. My girl and I spent it together and packed it with fun stuff. We started by visiting a psychic (who was adamant I will marry once and have a child or two, among other things, so perhaps there's still an out from spinsterhood at some point, who knows...). I'm not sure if I buy into that stuff or not, but it's entertaining either way and it kind of does give you something to hang on to and look forward to (provided you are told what you wanted to hear, which I mostly was). The BFF got a good reading as well. Thankfully the guy verified what I've been telling her for months - that her ex wasn't good for her and the best thing she ever did was finally walk away from him. Hallelujah. I might have had some real trouble on my hands if he had said otherwise!

Following that, we went back to her pad to regroup and then took ourselves to Yuk Yuk's for dinner and live comedy. I had the pasta, she had the chicken, and we both topped it off with the cheesecake and a cup of tea (proper party animals, aren't we?). The food wasn't great, but it was OK. I'd recommend the chicken over the pasta I think. She joked that she's sick of looking like a lesbian out in public with me. Let's just say we spend a lot of time together and there have been a few incidents that could have been misconstrued by onlookers...comments taken out of context, tasting each other's food and whatnot. It's a huge inside joke at this point. Might as well laugh! Speaking of laughter...the Yuk Yuk's comedy lineup?...well...not exactly hilarious, but the comics (host Dave Martin and hometown girl Lisa Baker) had their moments and I did laugh quite a bit at some of the headliner, Stephen Patterson's, bits.

After a brief foray into Chapters to peruse the shelves, we decided to go for a drive. I happened to notice lights in the Zellers parking lot on Stavanger and we popped in to jump on a couple of rides at Thomas Amusements. The Catch N Air was decent (lots of laughs punctuated with bursts of screams, mostly from moi, as we realized someone was filming as the ride went by and also that we were probably overdressed for the fair and very likely the oldest customers on the premises), but the Tornado (although we got to enjoy it solo to romantic music playing - what more could you ask?) was rather underwhelming.

The one bad point is that, unfortunately, a few couples came in and sat in the seats directly below us. Why was that bad? Well, because they all (the females especially) apparently deemed it necessary to bathe in perfume and cologne before heading out for the evening. This means that, despite popping allergy pills at the first onslaught and afterwards, I suffered for the rest of the night and continue to suffer today. My nose was running, my throat got all scratchy and irritated, my skin was itching, my voice has been coming and going, I developed a headache, my sinuses are now stuffed, and I've been coughing off and on. Lovely. I just got over the flu and I'm sick again. Most pleasant. Is it that people still remain uneducated about or unaware of this stuff or just that they don't give a shit what effect it has on others? Sigh....so hard not to be bitter and harbour an intense dislike and resentment of these random perpetrators...I will say that the thought, "Thanks for making me sick assholes!" has crossed my mind....I know, I know...people have a right to wear whatever fragrances they like yadda yadda...but I have a right to go to public places as well and hopefully be able to enjoy myself in comfort, do I not? I have been in these situations before and either changed seats or left the venue, but I paid a little more than I'd like to have to up and leave without seeing the show and there weren't any other seats we could move to, so that wasn't an option. I dunno...I think a person's right to be well outweighs someones wanting to smell like a chemical factory...and at the very least, do you really need people to be able to smell you that far away??? Then again, I'm obviously biased. Either way, I seriously hope one day they find out firsthand what it's like to be bombarded by things out of your control that make you ill.

Dark Horse

Well, all bets are off with the top 3. A dark horse has emerged and blown the competition into oblivion...

It started when I noticed that someone I had been chatting with a while ago (it didn't really go anywhere) had newly viewed my profile again. On a whim, I sent a hello. From there, the typical dialogue began...all of those standard conversation starters and Q and A stuff...harmless chit chat via email on the dating site that went on for a couple of days. But something changed. Somewhere along the way I intrigued him enough to ask for my number. I am usually loath to give my number to someone so quickly, but something about his words sparked something in me in return...to the point where I thought, "My God, could this be him?" Of course, I dismissed that as a flight of fancy inspired by overtiredness and the apparent contrast to the overabundance of wretched swine I've been subjected to (and subjected myself to in some cases) because you really can't know that quickly...can you?

...I know, I know...I have jumped the gun and let my hopes and dreams carry me ahead of my feet before. And so I am kind of hesitant and trying to keep myself grounded and level headed and not floating somewhere in the clouds... But I can't describe the effect this man has on me. He really appears to be everything I have been wanting and waiting for...and for once I don't think it's just me trying to convince myself that things are there because I want so desperately to see them in someone who interests me. Not only is he attractive, open, smart, funny, talented and sweet, there are no warning bells so far...I am not sure if that has ever happened over the course of my entire track record.

I'm in awe...and scared. Really, really scared. I cannot begin to describe the mixture of emotions I am experiencing, all jumbled together. I want to hope and believe again. I want to trust. I've already started to develop feelings for this guy, and I'm assured it's mutual...in fact, he 'fessed up before I did. And it feels like truth to me. I won't say I'm in love...but I care...and I am so tempted to throw caution to the wind and let myself fall. I'm happy and excited and apprehensively waiting for the other shoe to drop. I'm calm and comforted and secure, yet kind of unbalanced and impatient and hopeless and fearing I'll somehow scare him away. Part of me wants to dive in and part of me is very carefully keeping it's distance. But I have divulged things to him that some of my friends are not even aware of...and I feel comfortable doing so. Considering we have only been getting to know each other for a couple of weeks at most, that's insanity is it not? God, I really hope this doesn't come back to bite me in the ass...

In the meantime, a few guys who were showing interest before (or who I was interested in myself in some cases) and had since disappeared, have magically re-appeared looking for my attention. And, with the exception of the 34 year old mentioned in my last post (who had a pretty good excuse for disappearing and all but begged me for a second chance...which I decided to give and which he also blew), I have not given it...nor even been tempted to. I closed my online dating account within days of talking to the new guy (he had closed his prior to that with no pressure for me to do the same...I wanted to. That's not happened since I opened it almost a year ago...I've hidden it from view by the dating community and/or lost interest from time to time and once or twice contemplated it, but never felt certain that I wanted to remove myself from the arena...something was telling me to wait).

There is one fly in the ointment, though (well, the only one I've really discovered so far). He's in Labrador. And we don't know when we will get to meet each other (but are both hoping it will be sooner rather than later) with our current circumstances. Normally, I would not even entertain the idea of talking to a romantic interest who wasn't close enough that I could go meet him and determine where things stood in person as soon as I felt comfortable...but I can't stand the thought of NOT entertaining the idea here. I want to know. We click so well online and on the phone and we've seen each other on cam...and, still, I tell myself, that is not the same as being in someones company. It's crazy, right? Who does this??? Certainly not this girl! In fact, I would send any of my friends who put themselves in this situation and spouted crazy talk like this for a psychiatric evaluation! How can you feel this way about someone you have never met? How can you miss them so much it hurts? We actually ask each other that...neither of us has an answer...but something inside me tells me this may very well be him. How is that possible?

...and so all I can do for now is cross my fingers and wait. And hope that something this wonderful and promising doesn't fizzle out before we get a chance to explore it further...