Down Time

Since the last post, I have finished a show, celebrated a birthday, and introduced the (still) new boyfriend to the parents, the brother, and a couple of other friends/family members. All is well, first introductions and impressions seem to have been positive, and I am happy. Boyfriend and I have had 2 instances of misunderstandings that needed to be talked through (which went well), but other than that it's all good. In fact, a couple of nights ago we had a rather serious talk that included (GASP!) mention of the possibility of future marriage and kids if all continues on the right track. I am astounded that I can have these conversations with a man I have known all of 5 1/2 weeks and feel perfectly comfortable and natural with no inclination to run for the hills but, rather, a sense of security, matter-of-factness, and excitement. It just feels...right.

I am currently out of commission with simultaneous bronchial and sinus infections post-craziness exhaustion phase, but with one thing off my plate (the show I recently finished doing) there are still lots of others that require attention. I am still in rehearsals for a second show and a choir performance and crossing my fingers that work will pick up again soon. At the moment there's a lull, of which I am not a fan. However, I am trying to take advantage of my forced stay-at-home period to rest up, recuperate, and maybe take care of a few things here that have been being neglected in the juggling act as of late.

Boyfriend and I will be having post-birthday birthday celebrations on the 12th, as there wasn't sufficient time to fit them in beforehand. He has the evening planned and I await my surprise(s). I am trying not to have any expectations, so as to avoid the habitual disappointment I've grown so accustomed to in relationships up til now, but a part of me really hopes he knocks my socks off. I suppose we shall see, soon enough!

Awed

I have to admit I'm still a little in shock each time a day goes by and Unofficial Official Boyfriend (we've kicked it up a notch haha) doesn't do or say anything wrong. It's kind of unheard of in my experience. But it's great. He's great. We're great. Sickening, isn't it? I think he is going to meet the first of my friends this weekend. How exciting! We all know our girlfriends scrutinize the men in our lives and give us the scoop on what they perceive. I can't wait to see what this rather opinionated friend has to say. Mostly because I'm pretty sure there's no way it can be anything bad :) Oh, and I have been booked for work on Monday. Yippee!! :-) And now I must go pull my head out of the clouds and be productive for at least a couple of hours...I've been in LaLa Land all day...

So Far, So Good

Unofficial Boyfriend has yet to do or say anything wrong. I am calm and grounded and happier than I can remember being in a very long time in a romantic sense. Probably the last time I was close to this happy was last summer with the friend of a friend who went back to his girlfriend. But then I felt all crazy and infatuated and this time I just feel...sure. We exchanged I love yous last night...which kind of freaks me out a tiny bit when I think of the time frame involved here, but which felt so natural and so right that I don't even question it.

In regard to the pet situation (which is the only thing that gives each of us pause, really), he has decided to find the cats a new home (his idea, not mine, and not only because of me but also because he feels that they tend to stick to the basement because they dislike Big Black a little and he wants them to have a better quality of life) and I have decided that I am really going to work on befriending the dog.

I cannot wait for him to meet those others near and dear to me. This could definitely be it.

Two Things

1. I think I may be finally ready to love again and I kinda miss being in love. I actually found myself feeling envious over pictures of a teenage romance posted on facebook yesterday...she looks stunningly beautiful and blissfully happy and he looks like he adores her more than anyone or anything he has ever encountered. He also made some of the cutest, warmest, most genuine comments ever underneath those pictures. It's so sweet. I hope it works out for them.

2. Probably one of the biggest and best, most freeing lessons I learned over the past year, summed up in a Jason Mraz song:

Light Bulb!

Something profound is going on in my brain. Significant mental shifts have been taking place in the past little while and I've been processing and re-evaluating like crazy. The most recent has come as the result of a $6 book I saw at Chapters and bought on a whim. It's funny because I had actually gone there in search of Gail Vaz Oxlade's It's Your Money (I found Debt Free Forever instead) and Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. After seeking out those titles and deliberating for far too long whether or not I could afford to buy them both right now (it's incredible how I let myself become so mired in indecision sometimes), I put them both down and was going to leave empty handed when I spied a bright cover on the shelf with an interesting (although - at first glance - unappealing and maybe even offensive) title that jumped out at me: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It is a hardcover that was regularly priced at $32.50...so I read the back and figured "what the hell?" I could use some new reading material (I subsequently returned to Chapters and bought both of the other titles...which I have yet to read).

Anyway, this bargain buy turned out to be a Godsend. I found myself reaching for it whenever I had free time and was essentially unable to put it down. I'm kind of disappointed to have just finished it. It came at a time when I needed to hear it's contents and suddenly everything made so much more sense to me. Well, OK, not everything...but a whole lot of what I've witnessed and/or experienced in terms of dating, relationships, and marriage was viewed in a new light. It isn't all crystal clear and I do have to sift through some information and concepts, as some of it really conflicts with what I have been conditioned to see and believe, but all of a sudden I am looking at everything with a new perspective and I have this sense of insight and relief. I also have to say...two of the 26 year old guys I have been talking to (one of whom I've sort of been seeing) have really got some things figured out...things that I wish some of my girl friends would be willing to accept and understand, and things that I am still struggling with but coming to realize more fully.

Don't get me wrong, my girl friends and I have already figured out that who/what we are attracted to is not always good for us...we just haven't all found a way to integrate that knowledge into better practice when it comes to potential partners. A lot of that inner conflict stems from what we, as girls (now women), have been taught to use as a relationship gauge: the level of chemistry/fireworks/spark that we feel - often from the beginning in the form of crazy infatuation that drives us to do things we would normally consider to be at the heights of insanity. I am not sure where, exactly, this notion comes from, but it is deeply ingrained into our culture and media and reinforced by our friends. The book, however, is about being practical and realistic and learning to look at more reliable indicators of relationship longevity and happiness. It's about valuing what really matters and learning to let go of what doesn't...things we would all probably claim to do but which, in actuality, most of us don't. I know from personal experience that many women (myself included, at times...despite the fact that I am more likely than any of my friends to be decently open minded and give a wider range of people a chance in theory, in practice I have sometimes found it easier to find reasons/excuses to dismiss men who are not my ideal and forgiven things I should not from men who appeared to meet the ideal - it should be noted that none of them actually did live up to what I am really looking for - and I am determined to change that) are apt to give the guy we find attractive and feel that initial 'wow' factor with much more of a chance than the guy who is more stable and reliable but exudes less 'oomph.' Oddly enough (actually, not oddly at all), this has not been the case in my long term relationships...they started out with guys who I wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning but who won me over in other, more important, ways (admittedly, my choices still weren't good ones and there were big red flags I should have been seeing and heeding, but the point is I have had more stability with guys who I never felt crazy about right away). Interesting, too, is the fact that this book has showed me that although I never thought so, I am prone to pickiness. Who'd've thunk it?

I could go on and on detailing the firing of various synapses in my brain as I read through this book, but suffice it to say that it did give me hope that I am on the right track in some ways and pointed me in a better direction in others. It also replaced the panicky feeling that always accompanied the conundrum of finding Mr. Right with a sense of calm rationality. I actually identify quite a bit with the author's friend 'Erica' (also 31...go figure), who says that she now feels like she "could find the right person because he doesn't have to fit absolutely every one of my criteria" and that she "could be happy and find love if [she] just adjusted [her] attitude, and not if [she] was just supremely lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time...". Yep, I must agree - that does sound a whole lot more empowering! And in case you are wondering, the author does not in any way suggest or imply that anyone should accept deplorable behaviour from a partner, nor even settle for less than would make them happy. Uh huh...while the Bitches books and He's Just Not Into You had their own merit and their own words of wisdom to impart, the advice in Marry Him feels more down to earth, authentic, reasonable, and easier to implement...

Incidentally, this book has caused quite a stir amongst females. I cannot say that I am surprised. The author gets a chance to voice her opinion about those up in arms and defend her work here.


In other news:

I relapsed on the quit for a few days and started over on Sunday night. I will be done Day 3 of this quit in about 3 hours. So far these three days have been easier than the last first three days. I hope it stays that way.

I reconnected with the old friend I had to take a break from a while back. We shall see how that goes.

The weight battle is a bit of a write off at present with the quitting battle taking precedence. However, I am still trying to increase the amount of exercise I've been getting and not give into every food whim in place of a cigarette.

Work has been rather slow. I am currently in central for a few days (I got booked out here for tomorrow and Friday before the holidays) and looking forward to getting back to town already. Next week I plan to go hit some more schools to try and drum up more sub calls.

Heartsick Meanderings

Today has been rough, yet again. I'm coming down with what feels like the flu and that only makes the missing worse. The one comfort I got today was in talking to my cousin, who told me that not even ten minutes after we talked on Sunday he ended up calling to talk to her husband (his brother). He expressed that he was having a tough time with the situation and hated that he had hurt me and asked how I was doing. She assured me that he had cared every bit as much as it had appeared he had...that I had done the right thing in responding the way I had, and that he will no doubt be spending the time until she comes doing some serious thinking. My cousin also commented that she doesn't think she's ever seen me like this over another man...that I usually bounce back fairly quickly and don't suffer this way. It's funny because I was pondering the same thing myself prior to our conversation. Have I ever felt this way? It certainly feels like a different kind of pain and loss than I remember experiencing before. Anyway, the goal for tomorrow is to try and recapture some sort of normalcy and productivity. Keeping busy seems to be as good a plan as any...So does trying to be in bed before 3am for the first time in a week...

When It's Over

I am coming to realize that writing about interactions with men on my blog is akin to giving them the kiss of death. I got the news this morning. She is coming. She has decided she wants to give it a try now that he has forced her hand and demanded a decision. He says he is not confident it will work, but has to know. He says he is riding a roller coaster of emotions and is torn between happiness and sadness. He says he has no regrets...that we connected for a reason and he hopes he will see it soon.

I saw it coming. I told myself to give it a chance and not run for a change. I told myself to live and experience and perhaps I would be the exception to the rule. I've seen this situation play out so many times with others....two people who seem to be so right for each other and make each other ecstatically happy and then one of them goes back to an ex who everyone thinks is wrong for them and the whole world says WTF?!?!?!? It was only a matter of time before I joined the statistics.

Monday I started to think perhaps I should cut ties and save my pride instead of taking the chance of being rejected. I proceeded to take a few steps back mentally and emotionally in a futile attempt to protect my heart. Tuesday I decided to enjoy it as long as I could and let fate decide. Wednesday I took a break from thinking and Thursday I was thankful for the magical evening we spent together. Which appears to have been the last.

My response to the news? "Cool. Well it's been fun. Good luck." There is so much I could say but I'm sure my brevity spoke volumes. The blotchy, tear-stained face and swollen eyelids are not for him to see. Let him think whatever he wants - that I'm dying inside, that I never cared to begin with, that I'm OK...what does it matter? I knew I would be the one to lose either way, despite his surety that any outcome for him would be bittersweet.

Reflection is my only recourse right now to try and make sense of it all. What have I learned from this? So many things that I cannot put it all together or formulate the words to describe them right now. But first and foremost: never get involved with someone who's heart is not completely free to be yours (which I already knew but tried to ignore) no matter how much they claim to care about you.

I wonder if he told her about me in the end? I didn't have the heart to ask...I don't know if I want to know...

Whirlwind

The past two weeks have flown by. So much has happened and I have barely had any time to think...At the crux of this time and need for processing is the fact that I have met someone...the new new guy...the old new guy sort of disappeared without a trace or an explanation. He went on vacation to his family home with the message that he would be in contact and was looking forward to getting together with me again when he got back. And that was the last I heard of him. It's been about 2 weeks. 

2 weeks ago today I went to a get together my cousin and her husband were having (they were home on vacation as well). Her brother in law was there and the attraction was instantaneous and mutual...which neither of us realized until the next day when my cousin spoke to him and later gave me his number to contact him (apparently he was kicking himself for not approaching me and didn't believe her when she said I had felt the same). 

To make a long story short, we got in contact and haven't stopped talking since. We've gone on a number of dates and spent some incredible time together. We get each other. There is something insanely powerful between us and we both feel as if we've known each other for years. I could go on and on, but you get the point. It's amazing. 

There is, however, a problem (of course). He moved back to the island in May with the promise to his then girlfriend of 7 years that she could take her time and decide whether or not to move here with him. She changed her mind one way and the other a few times and so he told her that in the interim perhaps they should just behave as if they were both single. 

...and then he met me. He was upfront and honest with me from the get-go and neither of us expected this connection or these feelings. It's hard. We have both talked about waiting until he knows what's what vs enjoying each other while we can. My pride is hurting. He is torn. It's a mess. I have no idea what is going to happen or when I will know. I am kicking myself for being in this situation. But I wonder if I would kick myself more if I said goodbye. He has contacted her and told her that she needs to decide what she's doing because he needs to move on with his life either way, but he feels that he owes it to her to try if she wants to after so much time together. I cannot justify spending time with someone and growing feelings for each other when everything hinges on what a third party decides. He isn't choosing me right now...which makes me a very stupid girl for sticking around. But this feels like it may be a once in a lifetime thing. How do I walk away from that before I have to? And how can he stay on a string for someone else when he feels the same? My cousin is convinced he is in love with us both. I am inclined to agree, although the words have not been spoken...and I could very easily let myself go and fall in love with him as well but I am holding back in a futile attempt to protect myself while still enjoying his company. The feelings are there but I hesitate to acknowledge or label them. So for now it's a day at a time until I figure out what I need to say and do to reconcile everything for myself and be OK. In the meantime, who knows what her decision will be or when she will deliver it? Sigh...the universe certainly works in strange, mysterious and frustrating ways sometimes...

There is one thing I do know...everything for a reason. If he isn't my happily ever after (and I don't see how he could be given the situation, although it certainly feels like it has the potential to go that way) then it only means we were meant to learn something from each other and there is something better waiting for us both down the road. I am thankful for the time we have spent together and for being given this opportunity to get to know each other. I have no regrets so far and neither does he. I hope it stays that way.

The One

While talking to a friend this morning (whom I've never met), I got to thinking about the concept of "The One" again. There seem to be split camps on the issue and I no longer know where I fall. It used to be that I believed strongly in there being one true soul mate for each of us; that one incredible person who revealed themselves to be the other half of our whole. The one person we could never live without again who awed us to no end.

Then I grew up. And I gathered some life experience...did some thinking and observing and living. It started to occur to me that most people don't experience that. It's more a case of choosing someone you can love and accept despite their faults. Someone who will be there and work with you on common life goals. Or, in the case of the less than lucky, someone to try and force it to work with...a person to battle with and fight against while stubbornly refusing (or being too afraid) to throw in the towel.

I asked a friend of mine a while back, "How did you know your husband was the right man?" Her response was, "You just know. Everything started to fall into place and it was just so easy and it all happened pretty fast once it started." It was kind of like the response I got from my cousin when I was 18 and asked, "How do you know you're in love?" and she, of course, replied, "I can't explain it. You just know."

Well, I've been infatuated more than my share of times and I've been in a couple of pretty serious relationships, but so far no one has really WOWed me. Well, OK, a couple have...but that was more a case of the infatuation outweighing the reality of them as people. It's so disappointing sometimes, isn't it? Finding out that you thought someone was so much better than they actually are...? Anyway, I digress...

In this morning's conversation, I expressed that it seems to me that while a lot of couples out there ARE "forcing" it (or trying their damnedest to, in any case), there are those incidents where you just kind of seem to find yourself in someone else's life and be compelled to act on it or regret it forever. And I think in those cases you do, indeed, "just know." I think that we meet and experience a few bad apples so that when someone who deserves us comes along we understand enough to properly appreciate the gift that they are and suddenly all that prior experience makes sense as the precursor we required to prepare for this.

I also think that the powers that be present us with this person we can't ignore when we are prepared for it. That doesn't necessarily mean when we THINK we are prepared either, but when we actually ARE. There are times when you think you are ready for something and when you get it you realize that you most definitely are not. Likewise, there are times when you think you are NOT ready for something, yet when it arrives you find that you have no problem handling it at all. Not that I view soul mates as things that need to be "handled" - more like pieces that seamlessly fit into their proper place in the puzzle when the other pieces are aligned. I'm currently assembling and solidifying the package of pieces that constitutes my own life. Once they have been fully assembled, I'll be much better able to identify the person who is supposed to occupy the space that is left. In the meantime, I am free - almost obligated, really - to try a few different fits and see how they work. Of course, they will all inevitably be going to the discard pile of odd puzzle pieces for other people to sort through until they are identified by their rightful match...and someone out there is doing the same thing in their search for me. The magic happens when the time is right and we finally discover each other.

So, yeah, I guess I kinda do still believe in there being one person I'm meant to be with, even though it could potentially work with several. Perhaps it just depends on which of those shows up in my life first? Or perhaps it's already been decided and chance has no bearing on who it will be. And perhaps it has a lot to do with my own personal level of contentment and patience...