Back To Life

I am feeling alive today for the first time in over a week. It is the first day since "the end" that I didn't have to force myself every step of the way. I think that is a good sign, yes? I've also decided that some pampering is in order...so right now I'm sitting here with treatment in my hair and an oatmeal, milk and honey masque on my face after a nice, long soak in the tub with some Epsom salts and essential oils. Yep, it may hurt and I may miss him and the situation may totally not make sense to me or anyone else, but I'm tougher than all that and it's going to be OK...

On another note, I have a blind date on Thursday and have been chatting with a couple of other guys who have been helping distract me when things are slow and my mind needs occupying...or redirecting, whatever the case may be...

Coping With The Aftermath

In general, there is an emptiness...as if a piece of me is missing. Although a friend comfortingly pointed out that experiences shape the soul and if he is now a part of my soul he will always be with me in a way. That and a hot Portuguese marine who provided an excellent distraction got me through the past few days. Now it's back to real life and pushing myself to let go, move on, and get through this. I am coping fairly well, but everything feels very lackluster and mundane for the time being...

When It's Over

I am coming to realize that writing about interactions with men on my blog is akin to giving them the kiss of death. I got the news this morning. She is coming. She has decided she wants to give it a try now that he has forced her hand and demanded a decision. He says he is not confident it will work, but has to know. He says he is riding a roller coaster of emotions and is torn between happiness and sadness. He says he has no regrets...that we connected for a reason and he hopes he will see it soon.

I saw it coming. I told myself to give it a chance and not run for a change. I told myself to live and experience and perhaps I would be the exception to the rule. I've seen this situation play out so many times with others....two people who seem to be so right for each other and make each other ecstatically happy and then one of them goes back to an ex who everyone thinks is wrong for them and the whole world says WTF?!?!?!? It was only a matter of time before I joined the statistics.

Monday I started to think perhaps I should cut ties and save my pride instead of taking the chance of being rejected. I proceeded to take a few steps back mentally and emotionally in a futile attempt to protect my heart. Tuesday I decided to enjoy it as long as I could and let fate decide. Wednesday I took a break from thinking and Thursday I was thankful for the magical evening we spent together. Which appears to have been the last.

My response to the news? "Cool. Well it's been fun. Good luck." There is so much I could say but I'm sure my brevity spoke volumes. The blotchy, tear-stained face and swollen eyelids are not for him to see. Let him think whatever he wants - that I'm dying inside, that I never cared to begin with, that I'm OK...what does it matter? I knew I would be the one to lose either way, despite his surety that any outcome for him would be bittersweet.

Reflection is my only recourse right now to try and make sense of it all. What have I learned from this? So many things that I cannot put it all together or formulate the words to describe them right now. But first and foremost: never get involved with someone who's heart is not completely free to be yours (which I already knew but tried to ignore) no matter how much they claim to care about you.

I wonder if he told her about me in the end? I didn't have the heart to ask...I don't know if I want to know...

Conversations in the Dark

Me: hi

Cheating Bastard: [blank stare]

Me: no hard feelings, OK?

CB: [pause] since when?

Me: since whenever, man

CB: [with questioning look] why?

Me: because you lied to me and I don't appreciate being lied to.

CB [confused shrug and headshake]

Me: you @$%&ed up. All you had to do was tell the truth.

CB: Man, honestly, I don't have anything to say to you

Me: That's fine. I just saw you and I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to interfere with your night and I expect the same. OK?

CB: [uncertain nod]

Me: K. Have fun

CB: [another uncertain nod]

Me: [smile, turn, walk away]

...and now I wonder why I didn't ask why...but his expression told me that he did get what he deserved...
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: in every break up there is a winner and a loser. Usually the winner wins by a tiny margin. You won by a landslide. He will never forget you and he will never get over this...well...he might get 90% over it, but someday 30 years down the road he's gonna be married and he's gonna be sitting on the couch and his wife's gonna be out somewhere and he's gonna be thinking of you. Guys don't show vulnerability like that either. For him to come out and ask you why...it's been eating at him.

Me: you really think so?

K: Absolutely.
__________________________________________________________________________________

K: [unexpectedly kisses me]

Me: OK, this is awkward. I'm sorry, I can't do this.

K: why's that?

Me: [thinking...ruling out possible answers] I'm just not in a good place right now (partial truth after earlier run in with CB).

K: that's cool.

Me: K. Good. You seem like a good guy and all and I'm sorry for making you feel awkward, but I just can't.

K: that's alright [hugs me]

Me: Well I think I'm going to head home.

K: Really? Well I think you're really cool and I'd like you to stay. We don't have to do anything.

Me: Thanks...but I'm calling a cab and I'm gonna go home (translation: I wasn't born yesterday and I know damned well if I stay you're gonna try).

K: You're gonna leave me here with them?

Me: yup. 'fraid so.

K: The cab won't be here for a little while though...[tries to kiss me again]

Me: No, seriously. I'm going. Later. Have a good night. [all but dashing through the door with my sandals undone]

Unexpected Information

Something a little bizarre happened to me over the weekend...my ex's ex (who I do not know) contacted me on facebook. This would be the ex I left in BC and his ex would be the woman I thought he had married (apparently they were never married and it was a bit of a hoax/trial period thing that had been her idea...which I think is a little strange, but whatever).

Anyway, for some reason this woman felt the need to regale me with the details of their relationship and all her complaints about him...it really means nothing to me, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on him nonetheless. What did piss me off a bit, though, was that he has apparently been telling people he is broke because he paid for my university and that he broke up with me because I wanted more commitment and he wouldn't give it. Um...yeah...about that...total BS....x1000. I did feel the need to set her straight there, although she said she was inclined to believe it was all the other way around with the way he had behaved with her and she totally understood why I had moved across the country...

I was also a little shocked about his behaviour - apparently he fought with her in front of her son - which is totally not cool - and took pot shots at her weight and her business when they broke up, among other things. Wow. It all made me even more glad I'm totally distanced from it all and that I handled myself with dignity and class throughout that break up, no matter what he has chosen to do or say. I mean, I'm not a saint by any means, but I think I conducted myself well, considering, and I didn't exactly go blabbing about all the skeletons I found in his closet or anything like that.

I think I should mention here for fairness sake that I don't by any means take this woman's words to be the gospel (after all, I don't know her at all and can't vouch for her character)...I'm sure the truth lies somewhere between her version and his version - which I really don't care to get - and that he does have his good points (obviously, or neither of us would have given him a chance).

I was a little concerned that perhaps our mutual friends had been fed BS as well (I've avoided talking to them about anything concerning him or us), but one of those friends put my mind at ease when I mentioned that I'd heard from his ex and she had told me some untruths he had said about me/our relationship. She (the mutual friend) informed me that my ex has actually separated from all but one of our mutual friends for the most part, and that people are getting fed up with him and his victim mentality.

So I guess my silence didn't really have an effect either way...it just allowed him to show himself for what he was without me saying a word. Much more effective. I just hope the one friend he still has regular contact with isn't being taken advantage of...but that's not my business either. She's a grown woman and if that is the case she needs to figure it out and put a stop to it herself without warnings or interference from me.

And even more strange...I was right when I thought I may have taught this woman's son (the ex's ex). She told me she had met me when I was subbing in his class last year (I'd been in there for a couple of weeks). Strange coincidence to wrap my head around, indeed.

Yep, the universe works in mysterious ways. This woman answered questions for me that I had long since given up on having answered without my even asking...and she further confirmed that I never knew him, despite the close to 6 years we spent together and that I had been even more naive and gullible than I had previously come to realize. Scary thoughts. But, again - here's to learning and growing...and good riddance to bad rubbish! I don't wish the man harm (in fact I hope he smartens up and does alright for himself and finds happiness), but I am so, so, so thankful he is no longer a part of my life. A very big thank you to all the forces that pulled me out of that situation, for sure!

Discomfort

It's been 5 months and counting since I returned to my home province. I've now resettled in Kilbride and am living solo again. I have mixed feelings about the experience. There are times it is liberating and empowering and I love my own company. There are others when it is so devestatingly lonely and I feel so restless and uncomfortable I could scream or cry...and sometimes do. I have come to realize that I have been stubbornly refusing to go through a lot of the post-breakup process...that I have been practicing extreme avoidance through distracting myself by being constantly on the go with friends (not that there's anything wrong with that) and scouting for potential dates/wasting time on a lot of Mr. Wrongs. In short, I have been guilty of doing what I have always told friends who went through breakups NOT to do: I have not been learning to love myself more and taking care of myself the way I should be, I have not been actively getting in touch with myself and getting to know myself again, I have not been using my time wisely and filling my days with the things I enjoy doing, I have not been working on all the things I was excited about being able to work on again...I have not been actively learning to how to be on my own and I have been depending on other people for entertainment.

Up until a couple of weeks ago, I experienced relatively little upheaval from this whole transition in terms of going from being in a relationship to being single. Some, yes, from time to time, but not a lot. Mostly I was ok...just frustrated at what I perceived as having gone backwards in my life plans in a sense, and being stuck living with my parents in the boondocks. I dated an old flame, met a few new guys, and did a lot of going out and celebrating my freedom with my friends. And now reality is setting in. August was a slowing down period and today September stepped up and smacked me in the face. I mean, seriously, I got my hair done today and barely even got any enjoyment out of it for Pete's sake! You know there's something wrong when...! I seriously have not cried as much as I have in the past couple of days in YEARS (well except for last year this time when I realized my relationship was falling apart - and WHY did I stay so long after that again???). I am also in the midst of trying to quit smoking again (my dirty little secret...I picked it up little by little after being around the old flame and the old friends all the time - all of whom smoke - and have been battling getting back to smokefree...and that adds to the emotional turmoil. Last time I quit 5 years ago I was a basketcase for a while with the withdrawal, etc).

In short, I am a mess right now. I am sitting in this discomfort, seemingly unable to pull myself out of it at the moment, and hoping it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship and I don't regret making the choice to leave. I just despise this feeling of weakness and yearning that stems from being an affectionate person and having no one to give that affection to while being unwilling to settle for just anyone to bestow it on...if that makes sense. It's kind of a battle between being pathetic and clinging to my standards. It's hard to be patient and wait for the right man when you don't even know if he exists anymore and all you can do is convince yourself to hang in there and hope he crosses your path sooner rather than later...but realizing that it's probably best if he doesn't show up yet for awhile anyhow because you're not exactly at the top of your game...

Single Life Update

It has been a while...some things have changed and others have stayed pretty much the same...

I am almost done with the unpacking/repacking/organizing phase, but I really do hope to have my own place again very soon (even though that will mean partially starting that phase over again). Great as it is for my parents to take me in, I am finding it very hard to deal with not being on my own at the moment. I really need to have my own space...preferably in St. John's, where most of my friends are situated at present.

I'm still looking for a job. I've applied for a bunch but so far no feedback. It would be nice to be employed again. I'm trying not to get down over it, but it's hard not to sometimes.

I'm done with grieving for my failed relationship and have started dating again. It's fun and exciting in some ways, but it sucks in others. Let's face it, all those awkward first moments you have to contend with whenever you start seeing someone new are not exactly a pleasure to go through. And honestly, I really miss having someone to love and you can't love just anybody. Now that I'm dating again I tend to swing between just wanting to enjoy the moment and not get too attached to not wanting to waste time with anyone who I don't see becoming a long-term prospect. I'm finding I am also tending to over analyze my thoughts and feelings a lot more than usual and it is increasingly difficult to figure out just what I AM feeling a lot of the time. On the bright side, though, parts of me that have been buried for a long time are re-emerging and it's nice to experience them again. It's all a part of that weird, post-breakup head space I suppose. There are days when I'm just happy to be on my own with an opportunity for a fresh start and there are days when all I want to do is curl up and cry because I have to start over in so many ways which can be, at times, very frustrating and overwhelming. I really didn't think this is where I would be at almost 30. I thought I would be settled in my career and started on my own family by now and that doesn't seem to be anywhere in the cards in the foreseeable future and is kind of depressing to think about.

I'm bored a lot of the time. There isn't a lot to do around here (or, not a lot that I want to do at least) and I experience frequent bouts of cabin fever and going stir crazy. Hence, I usually take off on the weekends to try and retain my sanity.

Anyway, it's quite a process. I don't remember things being so complicated the last time I went through a major breakup...then again I was in my early twenties at that point so I guess they really weren't. I had loads of time and not much to worry about. I just really hope all of this will have been worth it in the end. I guess in some ways it already is...I'm attempting to move on and trying to find happiness instead of staying where I knew the potential for it had dwindled to the point of no return. That has to count for something, right? However, I do wish all those doors I thought I saw would start opening up already...

As the Dust Settles

So, I've been home now for almost a month. It's amazing how quickly time passes by. I am still knees deep in getting myself situated here and it will take awhile to get through the healing process and get back on my feet again (although I am surprised by my own strength and resilience in navigating this situation at the same time). In the meantime, it is really good to have close friends and family around me (although I do still miss those I've left behind in BC) and reconnect with a few people I haven't seen or hung out with in years. Life is starting to regain some of it's former lustre, which is a good thing.

That being said, I'm also more than a little surprised at how unfamiliar everything feels...I thought it would be an easy transition that way - well, not in terms of moving in with my parents again for the time being after 12 years of being on my own (so to speak), but I mean I was born and raised here and have been back to visit practically every year since I left so I was not expecting it to be quite so hard to get readjusted and stop feeling like a sore thumb in so many ways. All in due time, I guess...

I really can't wait for my car to get here though. That will go a long way in regaining my independence, for sure, and make working and getting my own place in "town" (and being self-sufficient) again a little easier. Because, seriously, I don't think I can handle not living in a city of some sort anymore at this point, whether it's small or large. Perhaps in the future it might sound more appealing, but for now I definitely need to have more variety and options open to me than a rural town or outport can supply. Not that there's anything wrong with small towns or outports. I quite enjoy them - but to visit at this point and not to stay.

The bottom line is, I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and I have a lot more work to do to get back on track on multiple levels. I am still in that weird post-breakup headspace some days and others I am amazed at how far I've come already in putting my life back together and finding some sort of normalcy, enjoyment, and excitement for myself. Yes, a door has closed and my life has taken a different path than I had anticipated. There was a lot of grieving for what could have been as I watched that door swing shut. But now that that initial phase has mostly passed, I've gotten through the difficult cutting ties and getting myself home phase, and a calm, rational acceptance has settled in in the aftermath, it is rather refreshing to come to the realization that a whole bunch of other opportunities now stand before me that I would not have had the chance to seriously consider before.

It is also nice to be able to view everything through an amicable lens in terms of the one I left behind. I really hope he is doing well and getting himself back on track, too. I truly wish him nothing but the best. He is a great guy in very many ways and it was a sad and difficult decision to give him up...but it to was the right thing to do.

And that's it, in a nutshell...my body is coping with the physical effects of all the stress I've been through and my brain is doing what it can to finish healing my heart. And life goes on...