Good Morning Blog-Land!

So I'm sitting here eating my steel cut oats with fruit and nuts like a good girl and I'm thinking - Hey! This is a new focus in my life: eating clean and treating my body better. I haven't mentioned that. Like a lot of people (stereotypically, women), I have battled with the scale. I have tried dieting a few times and Weight Watchers a couple more; I have tried upping my level of activity to get results, and all the while I have done it because my goal was to lose weight. Inevitably, it always came back. I told myself it had to be a lifestyle change, but never really fully understood what that meant, in retrospect. Frustrated and disappointed with myself, I always found myself back at my starting point and wondering how I had let it come back to this. This time is different. I am all about making permanent changes that I can sustain and my motivation (which I sometimes claimed before but was never able to really marry to my weight loss regimens) is to be stronger, healthier, and treat my body better with a focus on getting fit instead of losing weight. I have to say, though, that I've actually seen the scale move downwards more consistently in the last two weeks than I have during any other attempt at weight loss. It's empowering, I feel great, and instead of a sense of deprivation, there is, rather, a sense of satisfaction that I am making positive changes and fuelling my body with only good things (with the occasional treat being incorporated in the near future, of course).

Focus 2 is making and maintaining a budget with the boyfriend. That has been tentatively created, and we will start using it in August. Yay us!! This marks the first time I have ever actually made a plan with a man to work together towards our common financial and life goals rather than fighting against each other or just doing our thing and assuming at some point down the road a home and family would materialize. In my experience, it just doesn't happen if you don't plan for it!

Which leaves the other, very-important-but-somehow-still-spinning-my-wheels-stuff. I am so lost with the whole money-making/career thing and how to incorporate better time management and balance my leisure time with productivity without coming down on myself for one thing or another. I have put so much pressure on myself to FIGURE SHIT OUT!! and every day that doesn't happen feels like a failure, somehow. On the one hand, I am an organizer and a planner who needs security, structure, and creativity...on the other, I am told that you just can't plan for these things. They come to you in their own time and you find yourself doing things you may not have thought of before. ....or not. And I don't know if I can just wait it out or keep on keeping on while I beat my head against the wall trying to figure it all out...if that even makes sense...

OK, so oatmeal is done and it's time to get to the To-Do list. So glad we had this chat, though! At least I got my writing fix today! :-)

Down Time

Since the last post, I have finished a show, celebrated a birthday, and introduced the (still) new boyfriend to the parents, the brother, and a couple of other friends/family members. All is well, first introductions and impressions seem to have been positive, and I am happy. Boyfriend and I have had 2 instances of misunderstandings that needed to be talked through (which went well), but other than that it's all good. In fact, a couple of nights ago we had a rather serious talk that included (GASP!) mention of the possibility of future marriage and kids if all continues on the right track. I am astounded that I can have these conversations with a man I have known all of 5 1/2 weeks and feel perfectly comfortable and natural with no inclination to run for the hills but, rather, a sense of security, matter-of-factness, and excitement. It just feels...right.

I am currently out of commission with simultaneous bronchial and sinus infections post-craziness exhaustion phase, but with one thing off my plate (the show I recently finished doing) there are still lots of others that require attention. I am still in rehearsals for a second show and a choir performance and crossing my fingers that work will pick up again soon. At the moment there's a lull, of which I am not a fan. However, I am trying to take advantage of my forced stay-at-home period to rest up, recuperate, and maybe take care of a few things here that have been being neglected in the juggling act as of late.

Boyfriend and I will be having post-birthday birthday celebrations on the 12th, as there wasn't sufficient time to fit them in beforehand. He has the evening planned and I await my surprise(s). I am trying not to have any expectations, so as to avoid the habitual disappointment I've grown so accustomed to in relationships up til now, but a part of me really hopes he knocks my socks off. I suppose we shall see, soon enough!

Awed

I have to admit I'm still a little in shock each time a day goes by and Unofficial Official Boyfriend (we've kicked it up a notch haha) doesn't do or say anything wrong. It's kind of unheard of in my experience. But it's great. He's great. We're great. Sickening, isn't it? I think he is going to meet the first of my friends this weekend. How exciting! We all know our girlfriends scrutinize the men in our lives and give us the scoop on what they perceive. I can't wait to see what this rather opinionated friend has to say. Mostly because I'm pretty sure there's no way it can be anything bad :) Oh, and I have been booked for work on Monday. Yippee!! :-) And now I must go pull my head out of the clouds and be productive for at least a couple of hours...I've been in LaLa Land all day...

So Far, So Good

Unofficial Boyfriend has yet to do or say anything wrong. I am calm and grounded and happier than I can remember being in a very long time in a romantic sense. Probably the last time I was close to this happy was last summer with the friend of a friend who went back to his girlfriend. But then I felt all crazy and infatuated and this time I just feel...sure. We exchanged I love yous last night...which kind of freaks me out a tiny bit when I think of the time frame involved here, but which felt so natural and so right that I don't even question it.

In regard to the pet situation (which is the only thing that gives each of us pause, really), he has decided to find the cats a new home (his idea, not mine, and not only because of me but also because he feels that they tend to stick to the basement because they dislike Big Black a little and he wants them to have a better quality of life) and I have decided that I am really going to work on befriending the dog.

I cannot wait for him to meet those others near and dear to me. This could definitely be it.

The Other Black Dog

So...Unofficial Boyfriend? He has a dog. And some cats. The dog is massive and black and I am not comfortable with him. This makes me sad. I am not a pet person. I was not raised with pets, nor have I had any of my own, save some fish for a year or so in British Columbia. It's not that I don't like animals...I am just not used to them and they make me nervous - sometimes to the point of being scared.  big black barks (though not often) and my heart jumps out of my chest at the thunderous sound; he playfully nips at me and I envision losing digits in those powerful jaws; he gets in my space or stares at me and I freeze and panic...and it's not like he is baring his teeth and growling at me or anything...I just fear that he will pounce at some point, and I am sure he senses my unease and this makes things worse between us. Unofficial Boyfriend has been very good about putting himself between big black and me when he senses my discomfort and telling the dog "no" and "off" and "down" when necessary. He has talked to me about big black's friendly manner and about how he's not going to hurt me. He has told me to give big black commands when I don't like something. But I don't trust big black and I am self-conscious about interacting with him in front of Unofficial Boyfriend because I feel inadequate in that way...even though I'm pretty sure big black is mostly just curious about this new person who has shown up in his space a couple of times, monopolizing his master's attention.

However, I don't think the situation is hopeless. My brother has a dog and I love her. In fact, I bring her for walks, I've slept with her on the bed beside me, and I even dog sat for ten days last summer. Half the time when I visit my brother's it's to see his dog! But we met when she was a puppy and she's an extremely mild mannered Shih Tzu, so she's not ever going to be huge and intimidating. I'm not a fan of fur and some other things that come with having pets, but I'm sure I could deal with that if black beast and I could become friends. I actually spent part of my night last night Googling episodes of The Dog Whisperer, trying to figure out how I am going to overcome this. How I am going to be able to walk into Unofficial Boyfriend's house without the fear of being somehow attacked, or be alone in a room with big black someday and be perfectly OK without the protection of Unofficial Boyfriend...how I am going to be able to hear his different snorts and moans and play growls without thinking he is plotting how best to get rid of me.

The cats are another matter entirely...I'm not even ready to go there. I haven't met them yet, nor do I really wish to. I tolerate my friends' cats and would never wish them any harm, but I cannot say I have any particular kind of affection for them or enjoy their company overmuch. They can be entertaining to watch, I suppose, but that is about the extent of it. I am allergic as well. This could pose problems. Yet, having said that, the pet situation is the only thing that Unofficial Boyfriend and I are concerned about and we are so far open to working on it together somehow.

Unofficial Boyfriend (revised)

The conversation went something like this: 

UB: "So...is it official yet?" 

Me: "What?"

UB: "Ummm, nevermind."

Me: "You can't say nevermind after that question"

UB: " There's a better time to ask. I'll ask you later, if it even needs asking."

Later...

Me: "So what was it you wanted to ask me?"

UB: "Oh, I was kinda hoping you would have forgotten that."

Me: "Nope."

UB: "Well...basically what I was trying to get at was...well, I just figured that...if we're going to be seeing each other...and if we're going to be getting romantic...then....well...I just wondered if...."

Me: "Yes....?"

UB: "Well...I was wondering...I mean...what are we?"
Me: "What do you want us to be?"
UB: "Well....you know...I was wondering...if we could maybe be...you know...boyfriend and girlfriend?"

Me: Grin

UB: "It's ok. You don't have to answer or say anything. I know it's really soon and we said we weren't going to rush. I just wondered is all. We can take our time."

Me: "How about we make it UNofficial for now?"

UB: "Well I'd say that's a step in the right direction."

Me: "But we are agreed it's exclusive?"

UB: "Oh yeah - definitely."

Me: Grin. Giggle. 

UB: "What? What's so funny?"

Me: Giggle. "You asked if we could be boyfriend and girlfriend."

Pause

Me: "Why do you keep looking at me?"

UB: "You're making happy sounds. I guess I just want to be a part of it. But to be honest, I'm pretty happy myself right now." 

Me: Even goofier grin. 

Cross your fingers for me, folks!

Light Bulb!

Something profound is going on in my brain. Significant mental shifts have been taking place in the past little while and I've been processing and re-evaluating like crazy. The most recent has come as the result of a $6 book I saw at Chapters and bought on a whim. It's funny because I had actually gone there in search of Gail Vaz Oxlade's It's Your Money (I found Debt Free Forever instead) and Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. After seeking out those titles and deliberating for far too long whether or not I could afford to buy them both right now (it's incredible how I let myself become so mired in indecision sometimes), I put them both down and was going to leave empty handed when I spied a bright cover on the shelf with an interesting (although - at first glance - unappealing and maybe even offensive) title that jumped out at me: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It is a hardcover that was regularly priced at $32.50...so I read the back and figured "what the hell?" I could use some new reading material (I subsequently returned to Chapters and bought both of the other titles...which I have yet to read).

Anyway, this bargain buy turned out to be a Godsend. I found myself reaching for it whenever I had free time and was essentially unable to put it down. I'm kind of disappointed to have just finished it. It came at a time when I needed to hear it's contents and suddenly everything made so much more sense to me. Well, OK, not everything...but a whole lot of what I've witnessed and/or experienced in terms of dating, relationships, and marriage was viewed in a new light. It isn't all crystal clear and I do have to sift through some information and concepts, as some of it really conflicts with what I have been conditioned to see and believe, but all of a sudden I am looking at everything with a new perspective and I have this sense of insight and relief. I also have to say...two of the 26 year old guys I have been talking to (one of whom I've sort of been seeing) have really got some things figured out...things that I wish some of my girl friends would be willing to accept and understand, and things that I am still struggling with but coming to realize more fully.

Don't get me wrong, my girl friends and I have already figured out that who/what we are attracted to is not always good for us...we just haven't all found a way to integrate that knowledge into better practice when it comes to potential partners. A lot of that inner conflict stems from what we, as girls (now women), have been taught to use as a relationship gauge: the level of chemistry/fireworks/spark that we feel - often from the beginning in the form of crazy infatuation that drives us to do things we would normally consider to be at the heights of insanity. I am not sure where, exactly, this notion comes from, but it is deeply ingrained into our culture and media and reinforced by our friends. The book, however, is about being practical and realistic and learning to look at more reliable indicators of relationship longevity and happiness. It's about valuing what really matters and learning to let go of what doesn't...things we would all probably claim to do but which, in actuality, most of us don't. I know from personal experience that many women (myself included, at times...despite the fact that I am more likely than any of my friends to be decently open minded and give a wider range of people a chance in theory, in practice I have sometimes found it easier to find reasons/excuses to dismiss men who are not my ideal and forgiven things I should not from men who appeared to meet the ideal - it should be noted that none of them actually did live up to what I am really looking for - and I am determined to change that) are apt to give the guy we find attractive and feel that initial 'wow' factor with much more of a chance than the guy who is more stable and reliable but exudes less 'oomph.' Oddly enough (actually, not oddly at all), this has not been the case in my long term relationships...they started out with guys who I wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning but who won me over in other, more important, ways (admittedly, my choices still weren't good ones and there were big red flags I should have been seeing and heeding, but the point is I have had more stability with guys who I never felt crazy about right away). Interesting, too, is the fact that this book has showed me that although I never thought so, I am prone to pickiness. Who'd've thunk it?

I could go on and on detailing the firing of various synapses in my brain as I read through this book, but suffice it to say that it did give me hope that I am on the right track in some ways and pointed me in a better direction in others. It also replaced the panicky feeling that always accompanied the conundrum of finding Mr. Right with a sense of calm rationality. I actually identify quite a bit with the author's friend 'Erica' (also 31...go figure), who says that she now feels like she "could find the right person because he doesn't have to fit absolutely every one of my criteria" and that she "could be happy and find love if [she] just adjusted [her] attitude, and not if [she] was just supremely lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time...". Yep, I must agree - that does sound a whole lot more empowering! And in case you are wondering, the author does not in any way suggest or imply that anyone should accept deplorable behaviour from a partner, nor even settle for less than would make them happy. Uh huh...while the Bitches books and He's Just Not Into You had their own merit and their own words of wisdom to impart, the advice in Marry Him feels more down to earth, authentic, reasonable, and easier to implement...

Incidentally, this book has caused quite a stir amongst females. I cannot say that I am surprised. The author gets a chance to voice her opinion about those up in arms and defend her work here.


In other news:

I relapsed on the quit for a few days and started over on Sunday night. I will be done Day 3 of this quit in about 3 hours. So far these three days have been easier than the last first three days. I hope it stays that way.

I reconnected with the old friend I had to take a break from a while back. We shall see how that goes.

The weight battle is a bit of a write off at present with the quitting battle taking precedence. However, I am still trying to increase the amount of exercise I've been getting and not give into every food whim in place of a cigarette.

Work has been rather slow. I am currently in central for a few days (I got booked out here for tomorrow and Friday before the holidays) and looking forward to getting back to town already. Next week I plan to go hit some more schools to try and drum up more sub calls.

Crash and Burn

The friend of a friend and I fell into talking every day again. We got together last Monday and had a fabulous time. I drove to see him and spend the night this Friday. But something had changed. He wasn't the same. And it left me feeling empty. So Saturday night I gave him a spiel about how I couldn't handle seeing him when he was mourning someone else and how when he is whole again if he wants me he can come find me and we'll see where I'm at then. However, his response (which was basically to accept it and say he was still messed up but knew when the time is right it could happen with us and that he doesn't expect me to wait for him) was underwhelming and made me re-evaluate everything. I was hurt and I got angry. The anger was still there when I woke up this morning and this afternoon I decided to tell him exactly what I thought of the situation - that if he was in shock over what had happened with her, he was blind because there's no way it should have come as a shock. That if he truly meant what he had said about his feelings for me, I wouldn't have had to seek reassurance and that if he had truly wanted me then or now he would've fought for me. That I had been feeling so empty after going to see him that I debated leaving him a note and taking off in the middle of the night (which is totally out of character for me), that I felt stupid for believing him and allowing myself be vulnerable to him. He didn't say anything. His response was to delete me from his contact list. I cannot believe he would do something so immature. I texted him the rest of what I was going to say...which was basically that he obviously isn't my guy and that I have no one to blame but myself for getting so caught up when I knew the state he was in and I did it anyway. And so now the hurt is intensified and the emptiness is back full force. I don't know how to make this right for myself. And yet throughout the sick feeling I am experiencing, I still want to reach out to him and see if he's OK. I want to apologize for being harsh...even though all I did was speak my mind and he is the one who wasn't an adult about it. But I don't think contacting him again is wise right now. What to do....?

When It's Over

I am coming to realize that writing about interactions with men on my blog is akin to giving them the kiss of death. I got the news this morning. She is coming. She has decided she wants to give it a try now that he has forced her hand and demanded a decision. He says he is not confident it will work, but has to know. He says he is riding a roller coaster of emotions and is torn between happiness and sadness. He says he has no regrets...that we connected for a reason and he hopes he will see it soon.

I saw it coming. I told myself to give it a chance and not run for a change. I told myself to live and experience and perhaps I would be the exception to the rule. I've seen this situation play out so many times with others....two people who seem to be so right for each other and make each other ecstatically happy and then one of them goes back to an ex who everyone thinks is wrong for them and the whole world says WTF?!?!?!? It was only a matter of time before I joined the statistics.

Monday I started to think perhaps I should cut ties and save my pride instead of taking the chance of being rejected. I proceeded to take a few steps back mentally and emotionally in a futile attempt to protect my heart. Tuesday I decided to enjoy it as long as I could and let fate decide. Wednesday I took a break from thinking and Thursday I was thankful for the magical evening we spent together. Which appears to have been the last.

My response to the news? "Cool. Well it's been fun. Good luck." There is so much I could say but I'm sure my brevity spoke volumes. The blotchy, tear-stained face and swollen eyelids are not for him to see. Let him think whatever he wants - that I'm dying inside, that I never cared to begin with, that I'm OK...what does it matter? I knew I would be the one to lose either way, despite his surety that any outcome for him would be bittersweet.

Reflection is my only recourse right now to try and make sense of it all. What have I learned from this? So many things that I cannot put it all together or formulate the words to describe them right now. But first and foremost: never get involved with someone who's heart is not completely free to be yours (which I already knew but tried to ignore) no matter how much they claim to care about you.

I wonder if he told her about me in the end? I didn't have the heart to ask...I don't know if I want to know...

Whirlwind

The past two weeks have flown by. So much has happened and I have barely had any time to think...At the crux of this time and need for processing is the fact that I have met someone...the new new guy...the old new guy sort of disappeared without a trace or an explanation. He went on vacation to his family home with the message that he would be in contact and was looking forward to getting together with me again when he got back. And that was the last I heard of him. It's been about 2 weeks. 

2 weeks ago today I went to a get together my cousin and her husband were having (they were home on vacation as well). Her brother in law was there and the attraction was instantaneous and mutual...which neither of us realized until the next day when my cousin spoke to him and later gave me his number to contact him (apparently he was kicking himself for not approaching me and didn't believe her when she said I had felt the same). 

To make a long story short, we got in contact and haven't stopped talking since. We've gone on a number of dates and spent some incredible time together. We get each other. There is something insanely powerful between us and we both feel as if we've known each other for years. I could go on and on, but you get the point. It's amazing. 

There is, however, a problem (of course). He moved back to the island in May with the promise to his then girlfriend of 7 years that she could take her time and decide whether or not to move here with him. She changed her mind one way and the other a few times and so he told her that in the interim perhaps they should just behave as if they were both single. 

...and then he met me. He was upfront and honest with me from the get-go and neither of us expected this connection or these feelings. It's hard. We have both talked about waiting until he knows what's what vs enjoying each other while we can. My pride is hurting. He is torn. It's a mess. I have no idea what is going to happen or when I will know. I am kicking myself for being in this situation. But I wonder if I would kick myself more if I said goodbye. He has contacted her and told her that she needs to decide what she's doing because he needs to move on with his life either way, but he feels that he owes it to her to try if she wants to after so much time together. I cannot justify spending time with someone and growing feelings for each other when everything hinges on what a third party decides. He isn't choosing me right now...which makes me a very stupid girl for sticking around. But this feels like it may be a once in a lifetime thing. How do I walk away from that before I have to? And how can he stay on a string for someone else when he feels the same? My cousin is convinced he is in love with us both. I am inclined to agree, although the words have not been spoken...and I could very easily let myself go and fall in love with him as well but I am holding back in a futile attempt to protect myself while still enjoying his company. The feelings are there but I hesitate to acknowledge or label them. So for now it's a day at a time until I figure out what I need to say and do to reconcile everything for myself and be OK. In the meantime, who knows what her decision will be or when she will deliver it? Sigh...the universe certainly works in strange, mysterious and frustrating ways sometimes...

There is one thing I do know...everything for a reason. If he isn't my happily ever after (and I don't see how he could be given the situation, although it certainly feels like it has the potential to go that way) then it only means we were meant to learn something from each other and there is something better waiting for us both down the road. I am thankful for the time we have spent together and for being given this opportunity to get to know each other. I have no regrets so far and neither does he. I hope it stays that way.

Living on the Fly

So midway through my last post (which I actually finished today) I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother's girlfriend. They were heading out to La Manche to go camping and wondered if I'd like to go with. My only alternative at the time was to stay home glued to the TV and computer, so I told them to drop by and give me a sec to get ready and I'd follow them out and stay for supper. Before I knew it, I had a bunch of gear packed (just in case) and was heading out the door. This is nothing short of amazing, as I really don't do spur of the moment well when preparation is needed. We stopped at a convenience store and a liquor store en route and I got other things (just in case). By the time we got there and got the tent set up, I was put on supper duty and my brother was shoving booze at me...that combined with the fog made the decision that I was going to have to stay and tough it out (I can be a bit of a princess at times). Anyway, the rain came down all night and we got soaked, but we did get lots of funny pics in my car during our intermittent escapes from the waterworks, and we did manage to make use of the fire pit to roast wieners and make s'mores. All in all, a good night. I did wimp out on the hike the next day, though...there is a limit to my ability to do things unprepared and the black flies were driving me insane while we were getting packed up to leave the campsite so I headed home to clean up and re-group.

Last night I went to watch the Canada Day fireworks with my three closest friends in town. We all arrived separately and in the nick of time, which made for stories in themselves. It was really good to be together and having a laugh. I'm so thankful to be able to do that. It was a little anti-climactic for me, though, as my worries got the better of me and I ended up leaving early to come home rather than become a party pooper.

Today I was up bright and early and getting geared up for a hike...which was initially cancelled but will now probably be happening in about a half an hour or so. Let's hope the sunshine is good to me...At the very least, it should help me put my anxiety about my current situation in check. Better to be doing something than dwelling on doing nothing.

I'm lucky to have friends and family who notice when I'm not me and rally to support me and bring me back to myself.

Greatest Proposal Ever

Where can I get me one of these?

Unexpected Information

Something a little bizarre happened to me over the weekend...my ex's ex (who I do not know) contacted me on facebook. This would be the ex I left in BC and his ex would be the woman I thought he had married (apparently they were never married and it was a bit of a hoax/trial period thing that had been her idea...which I think is a little strange, but whatever).

Anyway, for some reason this woman felt the need to regale me with the details of their relationship and all her complaints about him...it really means nothing to me, but it was interesting to hear someone else's take on him nonetheless. What did piss me off a bit, though, was that he has apparently been telling people he is broke because he paid for my university and that he broke up with me because I wanted more commitment and he wouldn't give it. Um...yeah...about that...total BS....x1000. I did feel the need to set her straight there, although she said she was inclined to believe it was all the other way around with the way he had behaved with her and she totally understood why I had moved across the country...

I was also a little shocked about his behaviour - apparently he fought with her in front of her son - which is totally not cool - and took pot shots at her weight and her business when they broke up, among other things. Wow. It all made me even more glad I'm totally distanced from it all and that I handled myself with dignity and class throughout that break up, no matter what he has chosen to do or say. I mean, I'm not a saint by any means, but I think I conducted myself well, considering, and I didn't exactly go blabbing about all the skeletons I found in his closet or anything like that.

I think I should mention here for fairness sake that I don't by any means take this woman's words to be the gospel (after all, I don't know her at all and can't vouch for her character)...I'm sure the truth lies somewhere between her version and his version - which I really don't care to get - and that he does have his good points (obviously, or neither of us would have given him a chance).

I was a little concerned that perhaps our mutual friends had been fed BS as well (I've avoided talking to them about anything concerning him or us), but one of those friends put my mind at ease when I mentioned that I'd heard from his ex and she had told me some untruths he had said about me/our relationship. She (the mutual friend) informed me that my ex has actually separated from all but one of our mutual friends for the most part, and that people are getting fed up with him and his victim mentality.

So I guess my silence didn't really have an effect either way...it just allowed him to show himself for what he was without me saying a word. Much more effective. I just hope the one friend he still has regular contact with isn't being taken advantage of...but that's not my business either. She's a grown woman and if that is the case she needs to figure it out and put a stop to it herself without warnings or interference from me.

And even more strange...I was right when I thought I may have taught this woman's son (the ex's ex). She told me she had met me when I was subbing in his class last year (I'd been in there for a couple of weeks). Strange coincidence to wrap my head around, indeed.

Yep, the universe works in mysterious ways. This woman answered questions for me that I had long since given up on having answered without my even asking...and she further confirmed that I never knew him, despite the close to 6 years we spent together and that I had been even more naive and gullible than I had previously come to realize. Scary thoughts. But, again - here's to learning and growing...and good riddance to bad rubbish! I don't wish the man harm (in fact I hope he smartens up and does alright for himself and finds happiness), but I am so, so, so thankful he is no longer a part of my life. A very big thank you to all the forces that pulled me out of that situation, for sure!

Amongst The Ashes

The cheater signed onto the online dating site yesterday at the same time I was logged in and I saw that he closed his account. For some reason, that messed me up as much as when I first discovered he may have a girlfriend. I guess it just set off a chain of thoughts wondering what had happened after I'd given the girlfriend the heads up. I started to ponder whether I'd gone about things the right way...whether I should have confronted him myself as well instead of letting the girlfriend have the satisfaction (for lack of a better word) all to herself (although that's a toss up because blindsiding him had it's perks as well), whether I should have offered proof (which I have) other than my word, whether I should have asked her to call me instead of giving snippets of information online, whether she actually left him or decided to stay, what his thoughts had been once he realized what I'd done...and on and on. It was a vicious, fruitless, cycle but I couldn't help it. It just made me relive my own experience in her shoes and mull over my own course of action at that time and how I learned the hard way that it wasn't the way to go. Having my ex show me his accounts and close/delete them (the dating profile plus numerous email addresses) in front of me proved nothing. Nor did him giving me the password to his one remaining account. Because, as I realized once the anger and hurt and disgust subsided enough to allow rational thought, he could go ahead and set up a bunch of other ones at any time and I would never know. So it was a pointless, futile exercise and did nothing to restore my trust and faith in him. It took years to piece some of that trust and faith back together, and it was never quite whole again...the littlest things triggered doubts and suspicions sometimes, which was followed by the ceaseless internal battle: was I being paranoid out of my fear of being burned again or were my instincts trying to tell me something still wasn't right? I should have stuck to my initial reaction - I already had his bags packed by the time he got home, after all.

I have to keep telling myself that I did the right thing and that whatever happened afterwards has nothing to do with me and has no bearing on my life. You can only lead a horse to water...you can't make it drink. I wonder what she'd think if she knew he told me he's never been in love...or whether he was able to talk himself out of the fact that he told me he'd had sex with an ex recently and had been seeing someone this past summer...? The bottom line is I gave her enough information to bury him. What she decides to do with it is out of my hands. I admit, I was really hoping the S.O.B would end up miserable and alone out of it, but again, what would it matter? Firstly, someone who could be the way he was with me while having a long term girlfriend the whole time obviously has no conscience and probably no heart, either. Secondly, as a friend of mine pointed out, being in a relationship and cheating on the person he's with kinda makes him as alone as you can get already. And as I realized myself, he is such a smooth operator that any alone time most likely wouldn't last long anyways. He'd be back on the horse and making new victims in no time. I wanted to believe him up to the very end because I liked him so much and didn't want to shatter the illusion of who I thought he was and the potential of what we could possibly have, so I can only imagine how much worse that must be for her, having been with him for a longer period of time and invested so much into the relationship already. I'm thankful that I found out before I got too emotionally involved myself. It's always better to find out someone is not to be trusted sooner rather than later. The sad things is, despite everything, part of me will miss him...well, miss who I thought he was anyway...the witty, intelligent, funny guy I conversed and bantered with daily and who I happened to share some mad physical attraction and chemistry with as well. Of course, all I have to do is remind myself that he is a lying, cheating, manipulating jerk who played me as well as his girlfriend and that dissipates quite a bit. I'm sure I'll get over this pretty quickly. If nothing else, he doesn't deserve my thoughts and energy.

On another note, I was overtired last night and said something I shouldn't have to the (so far, apparently) super nice new guy...I hope it doesn't have too big of an impact. It would suck if he is legitimately a good guy and being messed up over a jerk caused me to scare him off...

...and because it does such a good job of expressing the thoughts and emotions experienced by the parties navigating these types of situations, I leave you with:

Busted

The air has been cleared in a sense...I had a conversation with the skilled liar/cheat/manipulator's girlfriend and informed her of what I knew (the basic facts, minus hurtful details) and the role I had unwittingly played in his deception. He picked the wrong girl to lie to, this time. I would love to be a fly on the wall for what happens next, but all I can do is hope she is smarter than I was in my past relationship and leaves right away instead of giving him the opportunity to "learn from his mistakes" (ie hone his skills) and do it again without getting caught. Either way, I did what I could to right the wrong and I suppose I will just have to be satisfied with that. She did make a comment to the effect that he is now single, however. I have to say, I'm very sorry that someone got hurt (well myself and the girlfriend, to be exact... I'm not sure whether he actually has a heart.) but I also have to admit that there is a certain grim, smug (bitter?) satisfaction that comes from playing the player. How DARE he insult my intelligence and take advantage of my trusting nature. It's just a sad realization that while I may have put the kibosh on his current activities (maybe, perhaps...), he will most likely go on to do this to other women in the future. You know what they say..."Once a cheater..."

Where There's One Lie...

Again, I will state that I would make a damn fine detective. And that my instincts are pretty good, even if I do reserve judgment and give people a chance - a lot of the time more than they deserve. As is the case here, folks. Remember the little white lies I mentioned previously? Well a little careful observation and browsing facebook et voila - it appears the liar in question WAS covering up something more. Like the fact that he's in a relationship....and has been seeing me (albeit casually). Now, the question is how to handle this information. I am one angry lady at the moment, but I think I will sleep on it and decide later what shall be done. This man once told me that he got the vibe that I am potentially dangerous...I am tempted to prove him right.

I am extremely disappointed. In so many ways, and on so many levels...

The One

While talking to a friend this morning (whom I've never met), I got to thinking about the concept of "The One" again. There seem to be split camps on the issue and I no longer know where I fall. It used to be that I believed strongly in there being one true soul mate for each of us; that one incredible person who revealed themselves to be the other half of our whole. The one person we could never live without again who awed us to no end.

Then I grew up. And I gathered some life experience...did some thinking and observing and living. It started to occur to me that most people don't experience that. It's more a case of choosing someone you can love and accept despite their faults. Someone who will be there and work with you on common life goals. Or, in the case of the less than lucky, someone to try and force it to work with...a person to battle with and fight against while stubbornly refusing (or being too afraid) to throw in the towel.

I asked a friend of mine a while back, "How did you know your husband was the right man?" Her response was, "You just know. Everything started to fall into place and it was just so easy and it all happened pretty fast once it started." It was kind of like the response I got from my cousin when I was 18 and asked, "How do you know you're in love?" and she, of course, replied, "I can't explain it. You just know."

Well, I've been infatuated more than my share of times and I've been in a couple of pretty serious relationships, but so far no one has really WOWed me. Well, OK, a couple have...but that was more a case of the infatuation outweighing the reality of them as people. It's so disappointing sometimes, isn't it? Finding out that you thought someone was so much better than they actually are...? Anyway, I digress...

In this morning's conversation, I expressed that it seems to me that while a lot of couples out there ARE "forcing" it (or trying their damnedest to, in any case), there are those incidents where you just kind of seem to find yourself in someone else's life and be compelled to act on it or regret it forever. And I think in those cases you do, indeed, "just know." I think that we meet and experience a few bad apples so that when someone who deserves us comes along we understand enough to properly appreciate the gift that they are and suddenly all that prior experience makes sense as the precursor we required to prepare for this.

I also think that the powers that be present us with this person we can't ignore when we are prepared for it. That doesn't necessarily mean when we THINK we are prepared either, but when we actually ARE. There are times when you think you are ready for something and when you get it you realize that you most definitely are not. Likewise, there are times when you think you are NOT ready for something, yet when it arrives you find that you have no problem handling it at all. Not that I view soul mates as things that need to be "handled" - more like pieces that seamlessly fit into their proper place in the puzzle when the other pieces are aligned. I'm currently assembling and solidifying the package of pieces that constitutes my own life. Once they have been fully assembled, I'll be much better able to identify the person who is supposed to occupy the space that is left. In the meantime, I am free - almost obligated, really - to try a few different fits and see how they work. Of course, they will all inevitably be going to the discard pile of odd puzzle pieces for other people to sort through until they are identified by their rightful match...and someone out there is doing the same thing in their search for me. The magic happens when the time is right and we finally discover each other.

So, yeah, I guess I kinda do still believe in there being one person I'm meant to be with, even though it could potentially work with several. Perhaps it just depends on which of those shows up in my life first? Or perhaps it's already been decided and chance has no bearing on who it will be. And perhaps it has a lot to do with my own personal level of contentment and patience...

Infidelity

So over the past few months I have added a bunch of guys from the online dating site to my MSN in order to chat and get to know them better. No surprise there. And I've heard that there are a lot of cheaters out there who use this avenue to drum up affairs. But I hadn't experienced it myself (knowingly, at least) until a couple of nights ago (well...unless you count the random message I got on the dating site itself a few weeks ago asking if I'd like to have a threesome with some guy and his wife - but I'm assuming wifey is in on that...unless the guy plans on having unexplained girls pop up in their bed, which I'm sure would be interesting but probably not go over well).

Getting back to my story, though, I had chatted with this guy...we'll call him M...a few times and found that the conversation was pretty good. He is also a fellow teacher and so was able to relate to me that way and offer some suggestions on how to improve my current job situation. Anyway, I commented on the fact that he is rather vague about certain things and made a joke about him being paranoid, etc. He denied the paranoia, but pointed out the fact that I had forgotten the possibility that perhaps he is married and didn't want me to know. So I asked, point blank, "Are you married?" and was shocked when the response came back, "Yes."

I don't know why, but that never ceases to blow my mind. I don't mean to sound judgmental, but I cannot wrap my head around why or how people can do that sort of thing - although it happens all the time. Admittedly, there have been a couple of occasions when I was tempted but I never even came close to going through with it, despite being unhappy in the relationships I was in at the time. I am of the opinion that if you are not happy with someone and can't work through things then you should part ways and give each other a fresh chance at happiness. In the meantime, if you are together then you are together - that means you don't disrespect and betray them by being unfaithful...for obvious, and numerous, reasons.

M claimed that he has been married a few years, loves his wife, and has never cheated on her. He said they used to have a great sex life but that they aren't able to have sex anymore. He also said that he is happy most of the time, but that he doesn't know what will happen to the relationship in future (although he has no intention of leaving). Yet he admitted that his intention in contacting me was to try and meet me and have sex with me. M also expected me to believe that I was the only woman he was talking to from the dating site (well, M, I'm sorry to inform you that your MSN profile tells another story) and that it had taken him a couple of months to work up the nerve to send me a message due to the factors of guilt and intimidation.

Anyway, obviously that revelation changed everything and caused a lot of questions and turmoil within me for a short time. I asked him a bunch of things in an effort to understand his thinking (don't ask why - it's just how I am. I like to understand things, whether I agree with them or not). Part of me was disappointed that he was no longer a potential candidate on my dating list (although thank God on the other hand because he's certainly not the type of man I'd want to be involved with) and that my morals would no longer justify me talking to him. Part of me was reminded of finding my ex-boyfriend's profile on a dating site and being devastated over the whole ordeal. Yet another part of me sympathized with him about having a less than satisfactory sex life, which I experienced in one of my previous relationships as well and which was certainly not easy. I told myself at the time that it wasn't as important as all the other aspects of the relationship, but I also promised myself when I got out that I would NEVER sacrifice that again. Mostly, though, I just felt bad for his wife, who had apparently gone to bed early feeling sick, which had allowed him to get online and talk to me (of course, I didn't know that at the outset of the conversation).

I guess the bottom line is that this sort of thing gives one a lot to think about in terms of trust and commitment, secrecy and lies. I could go on and on about how you never really know someone, or about how you have to trust until you have a reason not to...I could wax poetic about the need to trust your instincts or how things have a way of coming out in the wash...but I'm sure you can ponder all those things by yourself without my aid - and most likely already have at some point or another.

The Tangled Webs We See

This has been a very weird month for me so far. One man I dated suddenly updated his facebook status to say that he is in a relationship after I had not talked to him in a few days, which left me wondering...hmmm...when did that occur? Does he work really fast or was he seeing her while he was seeing me? Does she know he still checks his online dating account? Or that he even has one?

It gets better. The man I spent six years of my life with and left close to nine months ago suddenly turned up married. Gotta love facebook. That news temporarily ripped a hole through my chest with heart-wrenching sobs and anger and bitterness beyond belief. It's not that I care that he's moved on or that he's not with me. That's not what I was grieving over. I know I made the right decision. I know we both deserve to be happy with other people (even though part of me thinks I deserve it more at this point). I know when the time is right I will find my Prince Charming or whatever incarnation he shows up as...

What bothers me is the realization that I stayed for so long and put so much effort into a relationship that was going nowhere and that his new wife has been with him for less than a year (possibly less than 6 months)...that I was led to believe in an eventual marriage that never materialized (which is probably the best thing that ever happened to me, next to the proposal from another ex that I turned down years ago). What bothers me is that I now wonder if SHE was the reason for all the weirdness with his cellphone during the last year we were together. Perhaps they have known each other longer than meets the eye. And the icing on the cake? She has a child. A child...which he said he didn't want and which was part of the reason for our split. A child who I also taught at one point. Oh, the irony. And even better? Comments under their wedding photo show me that he has told her some of the same lies he told me about his previous life. This woman has no idea how many skeletons will be falling on her head everytime she opens the closet.

As I have said before, my ex was not evil incarnate. There were a lot of good points there, as well - on the surface, anyway. Otherwise, I obviously would not have stayed as long as I did. As a matter of fact, just last week I texted him (one of the rare non-business-only exchanges we have had since I left) to thank him for the good things he did for me during our relationship. I can't explain why...I just felt he needed to know that, despite everything, those things were really appreciated (it probably had something to do with the news that another ex of mine had died recently - which is a whole other thing to experience mentally and emotionally). A few days later he messaged me on facebook to tell me my new profile picture was nice, which I thought was odd.

I should probably explain that, while the ex and I did leave each other on our friends lists, we did limit the information that was available to each other. And I do not by any means check in on him regularly. In fact, it was just a fluke that I discovered any of this at all. I was bored and scrolling through status updates and a weird looking profile picture caught my eye, so I went back to see what it was that I could not pick sense out of upon first glance. It was then I realized it was of lips kissing a hand...and whose lips they were and what was on the hand. Of course, being human, I then had to check it out. And now I'm thinking that it is definitely time to delete him from my friends list. I do not need to be seeing these things and torturing myself with thoughts about things that don't even matter anymore.

I have to admit, though, it is rather tempting to let the scorned woman in me give the new bride a little friendly advice. Likewise with the first incident I described...wouldn't I like to know if my boyfriend were still scouring the online arena for potential dates and/or booty calls? But it is not my business, nor my call to make. These things have to be found out on their own or not at all without my input or interference. It feels like a little bit of a betrayal to watch these women walking into these situations and having inside information on the men in their lives...but they are not my friends. I do not know them. And therefore it is definitely not my place to involve myself in their relationships and create drama for them by shedding some light on what is most likely unbeknownst to them at this point. But I do find myself playing devil's advocate and arguing opposing sides of the moral dilemma...no doubt partially due to the anger I feel at having been somewhat blind myself for a time.

There are valuable lessons to be learned here, folks. Not least of which is that time is too precious to waste with someone when you know something isn't right. It also drives home the point that words are cheap and actions speak volumes...and that things usually have a way of coming out in the wash. I just hope neither of the ladies now with these men gets burned too badly.