A Year of Singledom

While the 22nd of February marked a year of being single for me, tomorrow marks a year since I got on the plane to fly home. So I figured now is as good a time as any to sum up the events and accomplishments of re-learning how to be single, re-adjusting to life in Newfoundland, and growing and adapting in general. So, in no particular order, here they are:

1. I chose my own apartment for the first time and learned how to live alone for the first time
2. I picked out and purchased furniture for myself for the first time
3. I got comfortable driving in a city (albeit a small one) and on the highway solo
4. I started hiking and doing yoga again
5. I lost somewhere in the vicinity of 20-25 pounds
6. I started what I hope will eventually become a novel (which has been on the back burner for months and I should probably get back to at some point)
7. I dog sat and cat sat for the first time
8. I learned how to market myself better professionally and got better at meeting people personally and professionally
9. I gave it a shot with an old flame
10. I threw my hat into the online dating arena and met and dated a few different men
11. I busted a cheater
12. I started tutoring
13. I auditioned for and joined a new choir
14. I began volunteering on the local theatre scene
15. I made some new friends and made amends with or distanced myself from some old ones
16. I got used to being able to visit friends and family on the spur of the moment again, which is awesome
17. I played a background extra on Republic of Doyle, which was fun
18. I got reacquainted with George Street and was able to somewhat re-live the good ole days (but with better sense)
19. I re-learned how to play pool (and I'm still not very good at it)
20. I got used to shoveling myself out of my apartment and driveway

AND, most importantly:

I got smarter, stronger, and more confident in general, more attuned to myself and my senses, and my vision learned to see even more shades of grey between the black and the white. I also came to terms with the fact that I cannot save/rescue everyone else and that in order to function and be OK myself I have to create space, a buffer zone if you will, between myself and other people's problems sometimes...and that that doesn't mean I don't care and am not willing to listen and help in any way that I can, but that I can no longer carry the weight of the world on my shoulders (figuratively speaking, of course), as I was always so apt to do.

Yup, all in all it's been a pretty eventful and productive year :-) I leave you with an inspirational cheezy video from my late teenage years/early 20s...

Sunday Night Meanderings

So here's all the recent news:

My laptop died and I have a new MacBook Pro...which is awesome....and which also engenders mixed emotions in me. On the one hand, I'm so grateful to have wonderful parents who help me out when I'm in a bind. On the other, I'm embarrassed (almost ashamed) and feeling guilty to be 30 and leaning on them. It's so hard to not be self sufficient. It really does a number on your self worth...which I think I've alluded to before.

I've met a few more guys...a couple were duds and a couple seemed decent. I'm not sure if I'll see any of them again. Of the two guys I was hanging out with fairly regularly (note: that does not mean sleeping with), I've stopped seeing one and am continuing to see the other...although I see him a little less than I would like. I'm finding it very hard to get an accurate read on him so I'm making it a point to keep my heart well-guarded and my emotions in check. He's fun. And smart. And there is some mad physical attraction and chemistry that goes both ways...it will be interesting to see how this plays out (although I already have two possible scenarios in mind). I have also been conversing regularly with another guy who seems to be very mature and in line with my way of thinking in a lot of ways, but I have yet to meet him. I'm still considering closing my online dating account but have yet to make the move (although I've hidden my profile so I'm not visible to Joe Public anymore which means a significant drop in mail and I'm alright with that right now).

It's getting impossible to make ends meet (not that it has ever been easy since coming home) and so now it's crunch time. I have to seriously consider moving back with my parents during the week in order to afford my apartment in town (which I cannot think of giving up). I have debated getting a part time job (or five) while trying to round up more subbing time or applying for non-teaching jobs that may pay the bills, but right now it doesn't seem like any of that wants to fall in line and so my best bet appears to be buying time by going home and crossing my fingers I'll get more sub time out there. It won't be forever, of course. I am hoping I'll either miraculously come to some enlightening conclusions as to what the hell I'm supposed to do with my life and go after it with conviction (whether that be stay on the teaching track or veer onto another course) or at the very least get back on solid financial ground and be able to give it another go next year getting my foot in the door with the Eastern District. I feel like such a failure to have not made it work this time around, but I guess I need to put it in perspective and look at the fact that I've actually done better with it than a lot of subs with the amount of headway I was able to make...It's sad, really.

I still have not gotten back on the writing wagon or the Artist's Way one either.

My weight loss has been pretty stable at around 23 pounds, give or take. I am hoping to kick start some more pound droppage pretty soon.

I still have not quit smoking again, but I'm determined to kick it soon.

...and finally, tomorrow is Valentine's Day and I honestly don't care in the least, which surprises the hell out of me. In fact, were it not for radio announcements and a sighting of men out scurrying around and scouring the shelves for merchandise at WalMart tonight, I would be completely oblivious as to it's arrival. I really thought I'd be distraught over this. Go figure. As I said to my best friend (who I accompanied on said WalMart excursion and who also happens to be single) after directing another misguided soul to the shopping cart containing the remnants of the Lindor chocolates that had been raided from the shelves, "Thank God we are not on the receiving/reciprocating end of all that last minute shopping." That's not to say that all those girlfriends are going to be disappointed...or that I didn't appreciate the tokens of affection I was given over the years...but honestly, I would much rather be the recipient of something that reflected thought from someone deserving of my love from now on than the crumbs I settled for before (I can certainly do without another cheezy stuffed toy sitting around collecting dust...although I suppose commercialization is somewhat to blame for that). Until that amazing person comes along, I'm more than happy to be spending special occasions solo :-) After all, they are only as special as the company you keep, and my girlfriends are the most special people in my life right now. I don't know what I'd do without them...or the incredibly supportive family I have been blessed to be born into. I have to say, though, I was quite impressed with my brother this year. He had the forethought to surprise his girlfriend with a dozen roses and dinner reservations over the weekend. I never thought he had it in him...

Anyway, a very happy Valentine's Day to all you love birds out there. May it be your best one yet (and may you all enjoy genuine displays of love, passion, and affection from your special someones)!

Another Move on the Horizon

It's official. My life since November has consisted of packing, unpacking, and driving. It looks like I will be staying with my brother for a bit and eventually moving into the apartment I have lined up in Kilbride. I hope I'll like it there.

Eventually, I will have enough time to revamp the blog to reflect the changes that have taken place...but first, I really need to get my life back on track. I can't wait to start filling it up with things I enjoy again instead of holding my breath and twiddling my thumbs trying not to go insane with the combination of boredom and frustration.

...and that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed a single moment since I've been home, because that is simply not true. I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and it's been great. However, I am, as a dear friend of mine pointed out the other day, "a planner" and I am currently suffering the discomfort of being unsettled and unsure of what is going on and where life is headed. Unfortunately, that little issue has been persistently plaguing the space in the back of my head that is prone to worrying about and dwelling on those sorts of things.

On that note, I have way too much to do right now to be sitting here procrastinating. There is, of course, packing to be done!

Boredom Reigns

How is that possible, you ask? Well I am a notorious procrastinator in certain situations (but in my defence, I usually get shit done when it comes to the crunch and I never let things slide that will have a majorly negative impact on myself or those around me. My bills are always paid on time and all that jazz). Hence, although there are a million boxes waiting to be unpacked, the thought of tackling them is totally unappealing. I did put in a bunch of hours in my parents basement today doing just that, however, followed by an overdue yoga session and a nice, hot bath.

...And then night came...all motivation fled and I have been bored stiff ever since about 7pm or so. Sigh...

Add to that that tonight is opening night for the play I had to back out of in BC and I'm actually pretty bummed to be sitting here and not having a blast on the stage. Oh, fellow thespians, break a leg in my honour this eve! Would that I could be there with you! (Note to self: MUST get settled and search out theatrical pursuits ASAP).

Ah well, c'est la vie I guess. I will just put my frustrations out there in cyberspace and hope tomorrow is a better day...

As the Dust Settles

So, I've been home now for almost a month. It's amazing how quickly time passes by. I am still knees deep in getting myself situated here and it will take awhile to get through the healing process and get back on my feet again (although I am surprised by my own strength and resilience in navigating this situation at the same time). In the meantime, it is really good to have close friends and family around me (although I do still miss those I've left behind in BC) and reconnect with a few people I haven't seen or hung out with in years. Life is starting to regain some of it's former lustre, which is a good thing.

That being said, I'm also more than a little surprised at how unfamiliar everything feels...I thought it would be an easy transition that way - well, not in terms of moving in with my parents again for the time being after 12 years of being on my own (so to speak), but I mean I was born and raised here and have been back to visit practically every year since I left so I was not expecting it to be quite so hard to get readjusted and stop feeling like a sore thumb in so many ways. All in due time, I guess...

I really can't wait for my car to get here though. That will go a long way in regaining my independence, for sure, and make working and getting my own place in "town" (and being self-sufficient) again a little easier. Because, seriously, I don't think I can handle not living in a city of some sort anymore at this point, whether it's small or large. Perhaps in the future it might sound more appealing, but for now I definitely need to have more variety and options open to me than a rural town or outport can supply. Not that there's anything wrong with small towns or outports. I quite enjoy them - but to visit at this point and not to stay.

The bottom line is, I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and I have a lot more work to do to get back on track on multiple levels. I am still in that weird post-breakup headspace some days and others I am amazed at how far I've come already in putting my life back together and finding some sort of normalcy, enjoyment, and excitement for myself. Yes, a door has closed and my life has taken a different path than I had anticipated. There was a lot of grieving for what could have been as I watched that door swing shut. But now that that initial phase has mostly passed, I've gotten through the difficult cutting ties and getting myself home phase, and a calm, rational acceptance has settled in in the aftermath, it is rather refreshing to come to the realization that a whole bunch of other opportunities now stand before me that I would not have had the chance to seriously consider before.

It is also nice to be able to view everything through an amicable lens in terms of the one I left behind. I really hope he is doing well and getting himself back on track, too. I truly wish him nothing but the best. He is a great guy in very many ways and it was a sad and difficult decision to give him up...but it to was the right thing to do.

And that's it, in a nutshell...my body is coping with the physical effects of all the stress I've been through and my brain is doing what it can to finish healing my heart. And life goes on...

And No Sooner Had She Said the Words...

OK seriously, it was a bit much before...now it is just downright ridiculous. The phone and Internet were down again all day yesterday. The phone miraculously came back today and the Internet followed suit tonight. I am keeping my fingers crossed they will stay up and running until we make the switch at the end of the month and am hoping with all my might that we will have reliable service again then...

On the upside, there are only 10 days left until Christmas (well, 9 I guess if you consider that this one is almost gone). However, my Christmas spirit seems to be on the fritz again this year. I am not the Grinchy type, so perhaps it is the absence of family that makes it a little harder...or maybe it is just not close enough to the day in question for the holly jollies to kick in for me - who knows. For now they come and go and I will say again: It's a good thing my partner has enough holiday spirit for the two of us!

OOOh I almost forgot...I got two bundles of cheer in the mail yesterday - one from a very dear friend and one from my momma containing Christmas cakes and other goodies. Yes, I admit that I am very much spoiled (and it's some good, too)!

Back in Touch

I just finished posting two entries I had previously started and am now posting an update that covers what's been going on since then...

So, as previously noted, I've been disconnected from the world for a bit. Things are finally coming together at the new place (between sickness and work and a couple of days out of town, not a lot has been happening except on the weekends) and after a long and frustrating battle with phone and cable companies, we have been finally been hooked back up.

It all started back on the 29th...I called in to request that our services all be moved to the new address and, seeing how it was a little more last minute than we had intended, expected that it would probably be a few days' wait until everything was up and running. I was surprised on two counts...

Firstly, I was pleased to be informed by the phone company that the move would be implemented the following day and we would be good to go right away. Secondly, the cable company said we would have to wait until the 8th to get our service transferred, which I found kind of irritating and disappointing.

Of course, as it turned out, there were several problems with the phone company while the cable crew stayed true to their word. When we awoke on the 30th to find that the phone was cut at our old apartment, we assumed it had been reconnected at our new one, as per the information we were given. Not so. We waited until Monday afternoon(December 1st) and when there was still no service, I called to inquire as to what was going on. Long story short, 11 days later, after several phone calls and countless hours on the phone with customer service repeating the same information and detailing the problem over and over and over again, a tech was finally dispatched to our place and rewired our jacks because he couldn't figure out what was wrong and we got a dial tone. Apparently, while our phone was down, people had been calling and leaving messages on our voicemail and assuming that we weren't returning their calls and our mailbox, since we couldn't access it at all, was full. Great. Meaning that anyone who called after those first 10 messages was not able to leave us a message and our phone - which wasn't connected - was unable to pick up their phone numbers on the display. Let's hope we didn't miss anything too important! Anyway, thinking that would solve the problem, we were very excited to try the Internet again and very annoyed when it still did not work.....which meant yet another round of calls to the phone company by me. SIGH....

Then next day, all necessary lights were illuminated on our modem and we gave it another go. A self set up screen popped up and I attempted to go through the steps...but got a message telling me it wasn't set up properly. However, I was - and am - still able to get online through our home network and so that's all that matters to me at this point.

We decided after all of this inconvenience and shoddy service that we are going to switch our phone and Internet service to the cable company, which will take effect on the 30th I am told. Financially, this will save us somewhere in the neighbourhood of $40 a month (with the bundle savings, downgrading the long distance plan I have been paying for and not using up, and upgrading the cable) - which was a bit of a shock but definitely a bonus! In the meantime, I have been in contact with the phone company again and managed - on three separate occasions through dealing with three different agents - to get a bunch of money knocked off our last bill - which is also great, but too little too late.

Now...if I can only figure out how to shave some costs off the cell phone bills...and, of course, find a place for all of the things that are still floating around this place without a home...

Again on the upside, I have finished all my Christmas shopping (stocking stuffers included) and there is a light at the end of the card-making tunnel :-) I had gotten a fierce start on all of this back in October, of course, when I shipped the first parcel of presents and whatnot back to Newfoundland, but there was a definite lull in holiday preparations while other aspects of life took centre stage for a bit. The tree has also been assembled and decorated - which my partner began during the first wave of unpacking...good thing one of us is in the spirit (hoping mine will make an appearance soon)!

Ah well, back to it then...

Out of Commission/The Big Move

I am currently sitting in a hotel room, taking advantage of their complimentary Internet service on my laptop while I wait for my recently indispensible BlackBerry and iPod to both charge. Since our recent move, I have had time to contemplate society's in general and my in particular reliance on modern communication and media devices. In short, the cable and phone companies have been slacking and we still don't have a home phone, Internet, or cable at our new apartment and I have been majorly feeling the isolation.

Let me backtrack a bit, because the move itself is worthy of description.

We moved into our old apartment after arriving in town and spending three nights in a motel with a U-Haul in the parking lot, scouring the place for rentals during the days and coming up empty. Finally, on the third day, one of the buildings we had contacted notified us that a couple who had applied to live there had been turned down during the screening process and they now had one unit available if we wished to rent it (there was apparently a wait list that she decided to let us bypass due to our dire circumstances and the fact that I was due to start work the following day). Our apartment wasn't bad, but we essentially moved in out of desperation for a place to live and we weren't really sold on it from the start. It is on the third floor of the building, but due to the surrounding landscape, felt more rather basement/jail-esque. In the summer there were far too many bugs and no balcony to grill on and in the winter there was too much moisture (and, we discovered, mold cropping up underneath the paint that we surmise had been slathered over it prior to our move in unbeknownst to us, and despite the steps we took to fight it afterwards) and no sunlight. We had been wanting to move out of there since the first year, but the timing was never quite right. When there were apartments and houses available for rent, we lacked either the time or the money to relocate and when we had time and money, there was nothing available to rent again. This went on for three long years until finally, this fall, we had truly come to the end of our ropes and decided we had had enough. We viewed three other apartments in our complex and chose the one we just moved into as the best available and agreed to take the plunge. No matter that we have no idea how long we will be residing here, the tenancy is month to month and I, for one, had no intention of spending another month in that mold infested dungeon if I could at all prevent it. And so it began.

We paid our damage deposit around the middle of the month and slowly began moving our belongings to our new digs. We thought we were doing great and that it would be a relatively easy move given the time frame in which we had to accomplish it and that we were only moving to another unit in our current building. However, towards the end of November, that view began to change. We both had prior extra-curricular commitments to honour and the countdown was on. Come the last weekend of the month, it was panic city for me (I tend to be a little more prone to stress than my partner). So, on Saturday night, in the midst of the hockey tournament, social outing, and volunteering we were engaged in, I realized that we had not checked the mail on Friday. I went downstairs in a break from packing and toting stuff and found an envelope from the landlady informing us that, after we had removed our possessions and cleaned the apartment as per the checklist we were given, we were booked to do a walk-through of our old apartment upon check out at 1pm on November 30th and that, if this was not convenient, we were to contact her and schedule a time prior to then.

This was news to me. firstly, I had received no check list, and secondly, I was under the impression that we had the whole of the 30th to finish everything. Then of course there was the matter of work. How were we to meet with her and walk through when we were both working at that time? My initial reaction was, as I said, panic. How on earth were we going to meet the new deadline with all the crap on our plates? Then I sprung into action and got a checklist from the lady who works weekends and busted my ass to do more packing. When my partner got home, I informed him of the new developments and the next day I continued on while he played hockey. When he got home the two of us slugged all our remaining stuff to the new apartment and then finished gutting and scrubbing the place from top to bottom to ensure we got our damage deposit back.

We bought chemical cleaners with the hopes of cutting down on cleaning time. Big mistake. As a result of exposrue to them, I got sick. After a very long night (it took longer than we expected to finish the move and the final cleaning, etc.) the two of us walked down the hall dragging the last of our gear, picked our way through the rubble and collapsed into bed. The next day, I went to work and was exposed to a bunch of dust when the new heating system was turned on for the first time and I've been sick ever since. The up side is that gives me lots of time to be unpacking. The downside is I'm sick and I don't want to be unpacking or crawling over crap all day long (nor looking at it either). And I have no means of contact with the outside world except my BlackBerry...it and the company of my iPod being my only sources of entertainment as well.

Anyway, we have to finish unpacking and putting stuff away over the next few days and then dig out the holiday decorations. I am hoping I will be feeling well soon.

Movie Night

We went to see New Moon tonight and it was sold out. Instead we took in A Christmas Carol. It was my first experience with 3D and it was enjoyable. I'm glad I don't do drugs because I was thinking if someone came to one of these stoned it probably wouldn't go down well...then again there are probably millions of people who do just that everyday...I'm just the type of person who would be freaking out instead of being awed by the heightened coolness.

Since the lady in front of us was rather scented, we hurried to switch seats while she was taking her daughter to the washroom before the movie began to lessen the embarrassment factor. The irony is that she came back and sat behind us with a bunch of her friends who had showed up. Sigh. Let the suffering begin. However, I was lucky because she sat furthest from me and I just had sniffles, a sore throat, congestion and some coughing. The teens behind us, on the other hand, drove my partner crazy with all their texting and talking.

At the end of the movie I was going to take a picture of us in our goofy glasses but we got kicked out of the theatre because the guy cleaning up was all stressed out about the people waiting outside the building to come in for the next round of shows. He was rather rude about it though and there was no need of that.

On another note, we moved some stuff today and I did some cleaning at the new apartment but we still have tons to go. Bit by bit it is all trickling down there...good thing we have some time to complete the move instead of having to do it all in one day!

And one last tidbit: my family threw a surprise congratulatory bash in response to my parents surprise wedding and I missed it. These are the times when it sucks to be away from home.

A Change is Coming

....well more than one to be precise, some of which have already cropped up, blindsided me, and taken effect on their own.

I realized after I posted the last entry mere seconds ago that I had neglected to write about the more exciting things taking place in favour of the more routine everyday annoyances.

I will attempt to remedy that without being too incredibly long-winded...which, incidentally, will probably take me much longer than if I were to just ramble freely. Go figure.

OK, so here are the highlights of my week so far....

There was an unfortunate incident involving keys and a late night text composed of the word "help" that ended in a 3am trip to the front door in order to stare like a sleep-deprived deer into unfamiliar halogen headlights and hand over my own set so that my partner could regain our mode of transportation.

My mother and the man I have been referring to as my "step-father" for the past few years have, after 22 years, made it official. They quietly went and got married on Monday and didn't tell anyone (except their parents, who practically found out on the way to church to serve as witnesses....luckily, no heart attacks were sustained) until after the deed was done. Shocking and unexpected much? Still trying to wrap my head around that one...you would think nothing much would change except on paper - and you'd be right - but there is still something a little unsettling about being taken by surprise like that. Anyway, good for them. They seem rather happy about it, and I'm happy for them too.

We are moving. Down the hall. It seems a little stupid and pointless when you say it like that. Especially since we don't know how long we will be here still. However, we have had enough of this apartment and some well lit and mold free digs with complimentary balcony were too enticing to pass up.

I have started working on an "Action Plan" to find a new career path. It sounds more exciting than it is, trust me. I'm just glad to finally have some wheels in motion to get me out of this confused indecision I seem to be mired in, however slowly they may be turning. Oh, and I also finally got a nibble on one of the resumes I threw out to the general workforce and almost caught an interview, which was encouraging.

I am beginning to re-emerge from my latest stint as a hermit and regain some semblance of a social life. Which is good. Still working on that one, but it's a start that I have been out of my apartment on a non-work or errand related venture this week with someone other than my partner and have plans to do so again over the next little while. Anyway, better not jinx myself by saying too much on that score. Suffice it to say that it is one more thing that makes me happy.

And that's it for now, in a nutshell. You are officially up to date.