It's a Beautiful Day

It's 8:20am, I've been up since about 6:15 (I woke of my own accord due to the fabulous sunshine, which is a miracle in itself on both counts!), and my mood is good. Breakfast has been conquered, the laundry is underway, and the plan is to do yoga for the first time in forever when I finish up here. I'm extremely proud of Boyfriend today - he has dropped another 5 lbs since his last weigh-in. As a junk food junkie turned healthy eater, I'd say he is doing just grand :-) I hope the positive change sticks. Hmm...nothing else of note this morning that I can think of at the moment, other than the daily list of chores that you most definitely don't need to read. Oooh, however, I did visit a dear old friend last night who I haven't seen in probably close to a year, give or take. During our reminiscences and shared updates on the present, we discovered there may be an opportunity for mutual benefit: the possibility of me babysitting her son from time to time, as a paid gig. I feel sort of guilty to take money from a friend for taking care of their child, but she suggested the arrangement and it seemed to make sense that we would be helping each other out, so I guess it's all good. Anyway, time to stop over-analyzing and get on the ball!!! Maybe next time I should tell you about the odd dreams I've been having...

Quickie

In a nutshell:

Smoking cessation has become a process more so than a single event. I'm still battling the occasional slip up, but I'm getting there.

Weight loss came to a standstill, but I am seeing positive changes in my body. I am continuing to be active and I am loving it.

Rehearsals are clipping along in theatre and choir and I am a busy, busy bee. I am working with a fantastic set of individuals in both groups and my theatre crush makes things interesting as well. I am loving it! Work has picked up as well and I could not be happier about that. Apparently I have been making good impressions professionally and they are being noticed.

I can't believe it is almost time to go to NYC. I haven't done anything to prepare yet except book my flight. It may be time to start. Exciting!!

One of the former key players in my life has been MIA for a while now. It's an adjustment. I'm not quite sure what to make of it or how I feel about it sometimes. I'm also not sure if the absence is permanent or whether there will just be a change in our roles in future.

I have been getting out more and doing more diverse things socially and meeting new people. It is so refreshing. Again, I am loving it.

I met the first new guy in months tonight. We chatted for a few hours. He seems alright. I don't know if I'll see him again and I don't really care either way at this point. I am supposed to be meeting another new guy tomorrow night. I'm a little more excited about that. We shall see how it goes.

Bumps and Hurdles

I awoke tense and panicky. The dream had been so realistic. I was called to the stage suddenly and without warning whilst watching a rehearsal in a sizable theatre space. My mind was blank. I didn't know my lines. I was mortified and apologized profusely. It may be time to study them in real life! (In related news, I keep dreaming about one of the guys I was in Godspell with a couple of years ago and who directed the first play I was in. I'm not sure what that is about. It's not in a romantic or sexual way or anything, but still...odd that he should make such frequent appearances in my nocturnal meanderings...)

I have been working my butt off and the scale has not moved in over 2 weeks. That is very frustrating. It won't stop me from being active, because that's been making me feel a lot better in any event...but it does sort of zap the motivation to keep monitoring what I am eating...

Work has slowed and I have been battling worry, hoping for the phone to start ringing again. I missed out on two days last week due to a specialist appointment that I had been waiting a year and a half to go to...which turned out to be just the start of another waiting game. 

Five cigarettes were smoked over the past weekend. That is NOT good. It's the most lax I have been in my process since starting it back in January. I noticed that the fear of craving had crept back in by last night. I must be stronger and resolve not to do that anymore. One is one too many and one more is never enough. 

Clearly, I have hit a lull. However, it is up to me how long I allow it to stay. And I vote that it packs its bags and hits the highway by sundown.

Briefly, in other news: I have a bunch of songs that also need learning, I have been casually chatting with 3-4 guys from the dating site (but viewing and approaching it much differently than before) who seem to be better potential fits for me than the majority of men I have interacted with from there in the past, and my real life crushes seem to be going nowhere for the time being (although one of them seems to stick in my head a lot more than anyone else). Finally, I need to find a way to improve the health of my sleep schedule. (Oh, and the old friendship mending is still going well, the newest friendship upheaval seems to be levelling out, and I got to spend some quality time with my brother this weekend, which was awesome :)).

Poison

Toxicity does not even begin to describe it. Resentment has settled in. Another perfectly good day...no, wait...a downright wonderful day! A day in which I made an impact on a group of young people, resolved anew to always be myself and be true to myself, received a multitude of compliments, and got to have fun with new connections. Soured. How does one deal with the fallout after continuous cycles of episodes that all start and end the same way...with you. I had hoped not to have to make a black or white kind of decision, but more and more I feel I may be forced in that direction. And this time, I will choose me. In the meantime, I am up much later than I had wanted or intended and struggling to regain the sense of calm, happy contentment; indeed - utter bliss! - that carried me through the day and into the evening before it was worn down and tired out and finally stomped on before it could come to rest and be rejuvenated for the morrow. I am sure I will forgive you quickly, as I most often do. But the damage has also been done.

The Balance

3 weeks. That is how long it has been since my last post; since I have written anything other than lists, texts, and the odd email. Too long. My world was exploding with activity and it has now come to a momentary standstill. I was calm...happy...invigorated. That is now interspersed with anxiety, confusion, and doubt. Anyway, here's the rundown of updates:

Smoking - it's been over a month with the odd slip here and there...which means a cig or two once a week or two when I am in the company of smokers. I'm not going to beat myself up too much because it is a process and I have made progress from smoking regularly. However, I am still not proud of it and looking forward to being stronger in the near future.

Weight loss - back on the wagon and making an effort to drink more water, make better food choices, and get more exercise. I have been going to various classes (from kick boxing to hot yoga) with a couple of different friends, as well as walking, doing in home workouts and working out with my brother from time to time...whatever I can fit in and whenever I can fit it in with a goal of at least 4 sessions a week. So far, I am down 1.5 lbs. Myfitnesspal has been helping. I downloaded the iPhone app and added a friend who has also been using it. (Side note: I am shocked at how much sugar I actually consume!! :s ).

Work - meh. Up and down. Hard to say. I've gotten calls from 4 different schools so far since the holidays and been to 3 of them. Calls are not regular or consistent and I'm currently in what feels like a slump period. I am hoping it picks back up soon (although I've been pretty sick for the past week or so, so it's probably best I haven't gotten a call in the past few days so that I have a chance to recuperate). I am also in the midst of trying to figure out a path of professional growth to pursue.

Dating - nonexistent. I decided the guy I was dating was not the right one for me and ended it. We still talk and I am glad of that. I still have contact with the guy who wanted back into my life as well, but I haven't been really entertaining the idea of giving him another chance. And the guy who was in NS contacted me to let me know he will be moving back here in the spring. For now, I am content to just be solo and concentrate on me.

Friendships - currently mending fences with the friend I let go last year. We are both in different places now and it seems to be flowing more smoothly so far. However, it's still early in the game. I have also reconnected with a few friends who, sadly, got back burnered due to life in general. And I am having difficulty dealing with the friendship I referred to in this post recently. It is that which is causing me anxiety right now. I had my eyes opened in a big way through a series of events and realized that this was not a healthy relationship for me to be in...and it is a complicated situation. Now I am trying to figure out how to move forward and change the relationship...but it is not easy after over a decade of established habits and routines. Only time will tell what will happen, but I really don't want to go back to the way things were. I can't.

Theatre and choir - the dual loves of my life. I haven't had/been to as many rehearsals in the past couple of weeks and I miss them dearly when they are not there/I am too sick to attend. They keep me busy, they make me happy, they allow me to escape, and they are food to my soul.

Other than that, my family continues to be loving and supportive, and the remainder of my friends continue to be a source of comfort and joy and I treasure each of them for who they are and what they bring to my life. And I am trying to take more control of my finances again and also want to find more time to write and keep on top of taking care of myself and my apartment. Time management was never my strong suit...it seems like something always gets sacrificed and falls behind...

Yes, I have come leaps and bounds in this new year...now...how do I keep it up and make it all balance?

Absent

Where are you when I talk to you and my words bounce off your ears? Why can you not be present? The number of times I am asked to repeat myself is almost insulting...except that I know you are not you. And then you claim to not know the things I have already told you. It is so difficult to choke back the frustration and disappointment. I love you dearly, my friend, but I very rarely get to see you these days. Your self-imposed isolation has become more literal than metaphorical and has no explanation...or one that makes so little sense I am not sure what to make of it. I don't know how to reach you or what to expect when I finally do...will it be anger I find? Sadness? Loneliness? Or am I expected to pretend, yet again, that everything is normal? When did this anomaly become acceptable in my world? I long to remove these kid gloves and walk on something more substantial than eggshells. I'm so weary of having the same conversation and making/accepting excuses on your behalf. I can no longer cope in this role. Where are you?

Light Bulb!

Something profound is going on in my brain. Significant mental shifts have been taking place in the past little while and I've been processing and re-evaluating like crazy. The most recent has come as the result of a $6 book I saw at Chapters and bought on a whim. It's funny because I had actually gone there in search of Gail Vaz Oxlade's It's Your Money (I found Debt Free Forever instead) and Allen Carr's The Easy Way to Stop Smoking. After seeking out those titles and deliberating for far too long whether or not I could afford to buy them both right now (it's incredible how I let myself become so mired in indecision sometimes), I put them both down and was going to leave empty handed when I spied a bright cover on the shelf with an interesting (although - at first glance - unappealing and maybe even offensive) title that jumped out at me: Marry Him: The Case for Settling for Mr. Good Enough by Lori Gottlieb. It is a hardcover that was regularly priced at $32.50...so I read the back and figured "what the hell?" I could use some new reading material (I subsequently returned to Chapters and bought both of the other titles...which I have yet to read).

Anyway, this bargain buy turned out to be a Godsend. I found myself reaching for it whenever I had free time and was essentially unable to put it down. I'm kind of disappointed to have just finished it. It came at a time when I needed to hear it's contents and suddenly everything made so much more sense to me. Well, OK, not everything...but a whole lot of what I've witnessed and/or experienced in terms of dating, relationships, and marriage was viewed in a new light. It isn't all crystal clear and I do have to sift through some information and concepts, as some of it really conflicts with what I have been conditioned to see and believe, but all of a sudden I am looking at everything with a new perspective and I have this sense of insight and relief. I also have to say...two of the 26 year old guys I have been talking to (one of whom I've sort of been seeing) have really got some things figured out...things that I wish some of my girl friends would be willing to accept and understand, and things that I am still struggling with but coming to realize more fully.

Don't get me wrong, my girl friends and I have already figured out that who/what we are attracted to is not always good for us...we just haven't all found a way to integrate that knowledge into better practice when it comes to potential partners. A lot of that inner conflict stems from what we, as girls (now women), have been taught to use as a relationship gauge: the level of chemistry/fireworks/spark that we feel - often from the beginning in the form of crazy infatuation that drives us to do things we would normally consider to be at the heights of insanity. I am not sure where, exactly, this notion comes from, but it is deeply ingrained into our culture and media and reinforced by our friends. The book, however, is about being practical and realistic and learning to look at more reliable indicators of relationship longevity and happiness. It's about valuing what really matters and learning to let go of what doesn't...things we would all probably claim to do but which, in actuality, most of us don't. I know from personal experience that many women (myself included, at times...despite the fact that I am more likely than any of my friends to be decently open minded and give a wider range of people a chance in theory, in practice I have sometimes found it easier to find reasons/excuses to dismiss men who are not my ideal and forgiven things I should not from men who appeared to meet the ideal - it should be noted that none of them actually did live up to what I am really looking for - and I am determined to change that) are apt to give the guy we find attractive and feel that initial 'wow' factor with much more of a chance than the guy who is more stable and reliable but exudes less 'oomph.' Oddly enough (actually, not oddly at all), this has not been the case in my long term relationships...they started out with guys who I wasn't all that attracted to in the beginning but who won me over in other, more important, ways (admittedly, my choices still weren't good ones and there were big red flags I should have been seeing and heeding, but the point is I have had more stability with guys who I never felt crazy about right away). Interesting, too, is the fact that this book has showed me that although I never thought so, I am prone to pickiness. Who'd've thunk it?

I could go on and on detailing the firing of various synapses in my brain as I read through this book, but suffice it to say that it did give me hope that I am on the right track in some ways and pointed me in a better direction in others. It also replaced the panicky feeling that always accompanied the conundrum of finding Mr. Right with a sense of calm rationality. I actually identify quite a bit with the author's friend 'Erica' (also 31...go figure), who says that she now feels like she "could find the right person because he doesn't have to fit absolutely every one of my criteria" and that she "could be happy and find love if [she] just adjusted [her] attitude, and not if [she] was just supremely lucky enough to be in the right place at the right time...". Yep, I must agree - that does sound a whole lot more empowering! And in case you are wondering, the author does not in any way suggest or imply that anyone should accept deplorable behaviour from a partner, nor even settle for less than would make them happy. Uh huh...while the Bitches books and He's Just Not Into You had their own merit and their own words of wisdom to impart, the advice in Marry Him feels more down to earth, authentic, reasonable, and easier to implement...

Incidentally, this book has caused quite a stir amongst females. I cannot say that I am surprised. The author gets a chance to voice her opinion about those up in arms and defend her work here.


In other news:

I relapsed on the quit for a few days and started over on Sunday night. I will be done Day 3 of this quit in about 3 hours. So far these three days have been easier than the last first three days. I hope it stays that way.

I reconnected with the old friend I had to take a break from a while back. We shall see how that goes.

The weight battle is a bit of a write off at present with the quitting battle taking precedence. However, I am still trying to increase the amount of exercise I've been getting and not give into every food whim in place of a cigarette.

Work has been rather slow. I am currently in central for a few days (I got booked out here for tomorrow and Friday before the holidays) and looking forward to getting back to town already. Next week I plan to go hit some more schools to try and drum up more sub calls.

Day One Conquered

Since 6am when my eyes popped open, I have been obsessed with wanting to have a cigarette. There was a three hour reprieve when I was at work this morning, and the rest of the time I have been practically living on Quitnet. I thought I had the afternoon and evening covered, but my plans went out the window (through a series of events out of my control) and so did my cool, calm, collected self and my resolve to stay smoke-free. I felt irritated, frustrated, disappointed, angry, let down, not in control, and afraid. So afraid, in fact, that I couldn't trust myself to drive across town as my Plan B to see a friend or my brother and possibly go for a walk (which I thought would help me feel better) because I was certain I would cave and buy a pack of cigarettes the moment I went through the door with the high stress level and vulnerability I was experiencing.

I am not gonna lie, it was not pretty there for a while. I spent about three hours in an escalating state of panic and snotting and bawling like an emotional basket case. Which in turn made me feel like a pathetic weakling and I cried harder with the sense of impending failure and hatred of myself for not being stronger and more composed. I remember being emotional the first time I quit, but I didn't remember it hitting this intensely so soon in the quit. It also irked me that the friend who wanted to quit the least has been having the easiest time of it today.

Thankfully, I got myself to a chat room where supportive fellow quitters were ready and willing to get me through. They kept tabs on me, encouraged me, reassured me, checked on me, gave me their tips, tricks, and words of wisdom, made me laugh, consoled me, comforted me, soothed me, told me what I have been experiencing is normal...they commiserated with me, stayed with me, kept me with them, and helped me hang in there until I was strong enough to leave and they assured me that they would be there should I find myself needing them later. How wonderful is that? And so, eventually, I was able to take the Nicorette inhaler out of my mouth, where it had been hanging haphazardly and being chewed and puffed on intermittently, throw the wadded up ball of tissues in the trash can, clean up my blotched and tear stained face, and sign out.

The relief and excitement of making it into Day Two (which feels like a huge accomplishment at this point, I gotta say) combined with the humble gratitude for the help I was embarrassed to need but glad to receive allowed me to breathe a little easier and gave me renewed faith that I can do this. I made a list of reasons to keep my quit (which I plan to keep on hand and review frequently), I have plans to make a list of distractions for when the intense cravings hit again, and I have bookmarked more websites to explore.  Happily, my eyes are no longer puffy and bloodshot. My hope now is that I will be able to sleep tonight and that tomorrow will be a little easier than today.

Quit Day

It is now 12:45 pm and my last cigarette was 8:30ish last night. It wasn't too bad getting through the night (popcorn, reading, writing, water, and TV helped) or the morning once I was actually at work...before that was basically a blur of cigarette obsession from the moment my eyes opened until I was through the doors at the building...and that is what I am once again experiencing now. I just ate and this would be a routine time to have a smoke. It's all I can think about. In fact, I'm typing this in the hopes that keeping my fingers busy may help. I'm half afraid to check and see how the girls are doing, but I sent them messages asking how Day One is going so far. No responses as of yet. I wonder if their inner addicts are pressuring them to cave, already, too? One hour at a time, I suppose...

Anxiety

As previously noted, I had selected January 10th to be my quit smoking date. That has changed. I went out with my smoker friends tonight and it turns out they have also decided it is time. I'm not sure if that will make it easier or tougher. On the one hand, we will all be going through the same thing together...on the other, there is a risk that someone may not make it out alive with all the emotional upheaval caused by withdrawal. I remember those feelings well and am not looking forward to experiencing them again, but I know the payoff will be greater than the temporary discomfort.

Anyway, long story short, I decided to smoke what I had left and start the week without cigarettes (I actually find it more appealing to not stop mid-week for some reason, a fact that my inner addict was using to try and convince me to prolong the smoking until next Monday rather than stop on a Tuesday).

The problem is, I am working tomorrow morning for the first time in a while at a school I haven't been to in about a year and that makes me nervous. The thought of getting up and going there with no cigarette fix and leaving without having one afterwards is stressful for me right now. However, thanks to WiseWebWoman, who helpfully introduced me to Quitnet, I have had support off and on all day while trying to mentally prepare for this farewell. And a lot of those words of wisdom and encouragement from former smokers reminded me of something I had forgotten: the fear of quitting is often worse than quitting itself in some respects.

I just hope I can sleep tonight because I will be needing my rest for tomorrow...

Heartsick Meanderings

Today has been rough, yet again. I'm coming down with what feels like the flu and that only makes the missing worse. The one comfort I got today was in talking to my cousin, who told me that not even ten minutes after we talked on Sunday he ended up calling to talk to her husband (his brother). He expressed that he was having a tough time with the situation and hated that he had hurt me and asked how I was doing. She assured me that he had cared every bit as much as it had appeared he had...that I had done the right thing in responding the way I had, and that he will no doubt be spending the time until she comes doing some serious thinking. My cousin also commented that she doesn't think she's ever seen me like this over another man...that I usually bounce back fairly quickly and don't suffer this way. It's funny because I was pondering the same thing myself prior to our conversation. Have I ever felt this way? It certainly feels like a different kind of pain and loss than I remember experiencing before. Anyway, the goal for tomorrow is to try and recapture some sort of normalcy and productivity. Keeping busy seems to be as good a plan as any...So does trying to be in bed before 3am for the first time in a week...

Unexpected Acts of Kindness

I went on a hike today with a couple of girlfriends. We chilled on the beach and frolicked in the ocean for a bit and took our time enjoying being amongst the trees on the trail on the way back. It was great. We saw a bald eagle and another creature we couldn't quite decide on...the consensus seemed to be either a seal or a sea lion or something. Upon our return to the car, I happened to notice an RCMP vehicle parked next to us...we speculated as to the cause, but none of us had any inkling of the actual reason...

As we approached, the officer (who was uber cute I might add) greeted us and asked for one of us specifically by name. It turns out she had lost her wallet at some point that day (completely unbeknownst to any of us) and a good samaritan had turned it in to the policeman. He, in turn, had driven down to the trail head and ran my other friend's license plate through the system when he saw her parked car. He came to the conclusion that since they have the same last name (they're sisters), perhaps we had come back to look for the wallet and so he waited for us.

Nothing was missing and, in fact, he even produced and returned the Pringles snack pack she had been missing on the hike and assumed she had left in the car. Life sure is strange and wonderful sometimes :)

Late Night Goings On

Note to self: hitting enter on facebook does not offer a break in text...it sends messages. Just like the one I unintentionally sent The Labradorian late last night/early this morning in an indignant fit of frustration. I had intended to compose the message, read it over, make any necessary adjustments, and ensure that I was saying what I wanted to say, how I wanted to say it. Instead, he got the message "Can I ask you something? Out of curiosity, are you treating me the way you normally treat your friends? Because somehow I don't think so." Sigh. Well I guess at least it's concise and to the point (if perhaps a little more abrupt than I usually am)...and really, if he can't figure out what I meant by that 'it's not much odds.' This is all a result of the fact that he said he wanted me to keep in touch...that he wanted to be friends (which is one of the options I put forth in that ridiculous, embarrassing, gut-wrenching email I sent him)...that he wanted to keep talking and be able to ask me how my day was...yet his responsiveness has been sporadic at best and insulting at worst. It's confusing. How can someone be so sweet and come off as such a great guy then act like a total ass (in the nicest way possible, of course...by being pleasant as punch but not following through on calling when they say they are going to, etc).

I'm looking at my words and I realize how silly they are. It's classic behaviour. I just have to beat it into my head that he's not who I thought he was and no matter what he says, his behaviour shows that he's just not into me on any level anymore and really has no interest in being friends and continuing to get to know each other. He's too wrapped up in the latest interest and the sometime responses to emails and the "I like it when you call"'s are purely designed to keep me on the back burner in case whatever he's involved in now doesn't work out. He seemed so innocent that way and he claimed to have "no game" when we started talking initially and I believed him, gullible fool that I am. Why do I always insist on viewing people in the best possible light until they disrespect me so much that I am forced to shift my perceptions? This is a bit of a recurring theme...I'm a smart girl - you'd think I'd have learned by now.

On another note, I was awake until 4am and then woke up again at 6 after having a horrible nightmare about my brother. I actually woke myself rocking back and forth in the bed in agony after a very convoluted dream that ended with me seeing him involuntarily driven away in our parents (now stolen) car by a couple of sketchy and dangerous characters, calling him after he'd been gone a while and I'd been left stranded somewhere I can't seem to remember and hearing his voicemail message stating that if the caller was hearing this, he or she should be very sad because they'd probably never hear his voice again. And the note in his voice was one I'd never heard before.

Of course, I realize it was just a dream and those aren't necessarily words my brother would ever use, but it was totally realistic and waking up alone after that was very hard. It was one of those nightmares that is so vivid it takes a while to figure out that it was just in your head and I was really scared and upset and needing someone to talk to to get my mind off it so I could attempt sleep again. The first person who came to mind? The Labradorian (partly because I knew he would be awake and partly because I still want to view him as sweet and comforting). Stupid, stupid girl. Thankfully, I squashed that notion by the time I was 3/4 alert and instead signed onto facebook to see if there was anyone on chat that would do. Lo and behold, The Old Flame was online. We hadn't been in contact since that night he got me safely home after being rather uncharacteristically intoxicated, but he was there for me and wanted to make sure I was alright.

During the course of our (relatively brief) conversation, I asked him what my best and worst points are in his opinion. His answer? Best: honesty. Worst: reading too much into things. I asked for an example. He couldn't give me one, but said there were a few times when he said something to the point to me and I made it so that it didn't mean what he had meant anymore. I asked if I had asked questions or made assumptions. He said both. I'm not really sure what to make of that. In any case, I thought that was rather ironic since I had been beating myself up earlier for being too trusting and taking people's words at face value too much. I voiced that thought. He replied, "Well you didn't with me." Interesting.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

Why do guys say things they obviously don't mean? What is the point in trying to play the nice guy with words when the actions contradict those words at every turn? I don't get it. Isn't being honest and respectful with someone preferable to telling them what you think they want to hear only to have them believe you and end up feeling like a moron? Please explain the rationale behind that. It makes no sense to me. It really doesn't. All it does is make them look like bigger jerks than we ever would have thought they were otherwise. Amongst other examples that come readily to mind which other girl friends have experienced, there have now been two separate instances where a 'man' and I had mutually (or so I thought) agreed that we would be friends. I was totally OK with that. I thought they were nice guys and I would have liked to count them amongst my friends. However, both of those 'men' then proceeded to show me that that isn't actually what they wanted (either that or they have no idea what it means to be friends or how to be friends with a girl). SO WHY SAY IT WAS?!?!?!?!? It irritates me to no end. I'm a pretty friendly person and I've had girl friends and guy friends all my life. However, if I am not interested in being someone's friend, I don't say or do anything to make them think otherwise (and I don't mean that I am mean or disrespectful or rude...I just don't encourage them). I guess maybe that's just me. Anyway, let's hope I can now chalk that up to another lesson learned. But seriously - what idiots!!! It reminds me of an episode of Sex and the City where Carrie ran into her exes best friend - an ex who had broken up with her on a Post It. The best friend basically said that men are afraid of women's reactions and Carrie explained that all women want is to be told (face to face in her case) in a way that is respectful and befitting of the relationship and what was between them and the man in question. Is that really too much to ask?!?! I think that episode should actually be required viewing for all members of the opposite sex. Maybe they'd learn something. Then again, probably not.

In other news, I've learned that The Cheating Bastard and his naive girlfriend are moving to Denmark together. I don't get that either. I basically threw him under the bus. Did she not believe me? Does she have no self-respect? Is she crazy? Who knows. I have a feeling she will be in for a rude awakening down the road...but for her sake I will hope that he has actually seen the light and decided to change his behaviour.

Living on the Fly

So midway through my last post (which I actually finished today) I was interrupted by a phone call from my brother's girlfriend. They were heading out to La Manche to go camping and wondered if I'd like to go with. My only alternative at the time was to stay home glued to the TV and computer, so I told them to drop by and give me a sec to get ready and I'd follow them out and stay for supper. Before I knew it, I had a bunch of gear packed (just in case) and was heading out the door. This is nothing short of amazing, as I really don't do spur of the moment well when preparation is needed. We stopped at a convenience store and a liquor store en route and I got other things (just in case). By the time we got there and got the tent set up, I was put on supper duty and my brother was shoving booze at me...that combined with the fog made the decision that I was going to have to stay and tough it out (I can be a bit of a princess at times). Anyway, the rain came down all night and we got soaked, but we did get lots of funny pics in my car during our intermittent escapes from the waterworks, and we did manage to make use of the fire pit to roast wieners and make s'mores. All in all, a good night. I did wimp out on the hike the next day, though...there is a limit to my ability to do things unprepared and the black flies were driving me insane while we were getting packed up to leave the campsite so I headed home to clean up and re-group.

Last night I went to watch the Canada Day fireworks with my three closest friends in town. We all arrived separately and in the nick of time, which made for stories in themselves. It was really good to be together and having a laugh. I'm so thankful to be able to do that. It was a little anti-climactic for me, though, as my worries got the better of me and I ended up leaving early to come home rather than become a party pooper.

Today I was up bright and early and getting geared up for a hike...which was initially cancelled but will now probably be happening in about a half an hour or so. Let's hope the sunshine is good to me...At the very least, it should help me put my anxiety about my current situation in check. Better to be doing something than dwelling on doing nothing.

I'm lucky to have friends and family who notice when I'm not me and rally to support me and bring me back to myself.

Post Party Mash Up

Friday night was epic. My girls and I did the Party Bus thing and spent the night downtown gettin our groove on. Many entertaining anecdotes followed the next day, of course, amongst ourselves, and it was infinitely amusing to re-hash the evening's events. However, we were also all duly reminded that gone are the days of partying from Thursday to Sunday...now it's party Thursday and recover til Sunday...or, you know...party Friday and recover til Wednesday...whatever.  The important thing is, it was a blast and it was much needed.

In other news, the 'friendship' with the Labradorian boggles me. I won't even go there right now. Suffice it to say that we may have different ideas of what it means to be friends and how one's friends should be treated.

I re-connected with an old friend in BC the other night...that was really nice. We hadn't spoken in about a year, give or take. Lots to catch up on, for sure. Interestingly enough, she has decided to take on the administration of the school we taught at together. Apparently they have hired 3 new teachers for the upcoming year and haven't heard anything in a while from one of them...she said if they don't hear from this person, I may be getting a phone call. In all honesty, up until very recently if someone had asked me if I would go back to the place I started my teaching career, the answer would have been an emphatic and resounding 'no.' However, being that I need steady income to get back on my feet and have more experience under my belt now - and that I'm single and free of the thoughts, feelings and opinions of the  significant other who went with me last time and (I now realize) colored my own thinking quite a bit - I may be willing to give it a re-do and see where it takes me. Of course, the likelihood that that would actually come to pass is still slim.

Psychics, Comedians, and Fairs

Happily, yesterday was great. My girl and I spent it together and packed it with fun stuff. We started by visiting a psychic (who was adamant I will marry once and have a child or two, among other things, so perhaps there's still an out from spinsterhood at some point, who knows...). I'm not sure if I buy into that stuff or not, but it's entertaining either way and it kind of does give you something to hang on to and look forward to (provided you are told what you wanted to hear, which I mostly was). The BFF got a good reading as well. Thankfully the guy verified what I've been telling her for months - that her ex wasn't good for her and the best thing she ever did was finally walk away from him. Hallelujah. I might have had some real trouble on my hands if he had said otherwise!

Following that, we went back to her pad to regroup and then took ourselves to Yuk Yuk's for dinner and live comedy. I had the pasta, she had the chicken, and we both topped it off with the cheesecake and a cup of tea (proper party animals, aren't we?). The food wasn't great, but it was OK. I'd recommend the chicken over the pasta I think. She joked that she's sick of looking like a lesbian out in public with me. Let's just say we spend a lot of time together and there have been a few incidents that could have been misconstrued by onlookers...comments taken out of context, tasting each other's food and whatnot. It's a huge inside joke at this point. Might as well laugh! Speaking of laughter...the Yuk Yuk's comedy lineup?...well...not exactly hilarious, but the comics (host Dave Martin and hometown girl Lisa Baker) had their moments and I did laugh quite a bit at some of the headliner, Stephen Patterson's, bits.

After a brief foray into Chapters to peruse the shelves, we decided to go for a drive. I happened to notice lights in the Zellers parking lot on Stavanger and we popped in to jump on a couple of rides at Thomas Amusements. The Catch N Air was decent (lots of laughs punctuated with bursts of screams, mostly from moi, as we realized someone was filming as the ride went by and also that we were probably overdressed for the fair and very likely the oldest customers on the premises), but the Tornado (although we got to enjoy it solo to romantic music playing - what more could you ask?) was rather underwhelming.

The one bad point is that, unfortunately, a few couples came in and sat in the seats directly below us. Why was that bad? Well, because they all (the females especially) apparently deemed it necessary to bathe in perfume and cologne before heading out for the evening. This means that, despite popping allergy pills at the first onslaught and afterwards, I suffered for the rest of the night and continue to suffer today. My nose was running, my throat got all scratchy and irritated, my skin was itching, my voice has been coming and going, I developed a headache, my sinuses are now stuffed, and I've been coughing off and on. Lovely. I just got over the flu and I'm sick again. Most pleasant. Is it that people still remain uneducated about or unaware of this stuff or just that they don't give a shit what effect it has on others? Sigh....so hard not to be bitter and harbour an intense dislike and resentment of these random perpetrators...I will say that the thought, "Thanks for making me sick assholes!" has crossed my mind....I know, I know...people have a right to wear whatever fragrances they like yadda yadda...but I have a right to go to public places as well and hopefully be able to enjoy myself in comfort, do I not? I have been in these situations before and either changed seats or left the venue, but I paid a little more than I'd like to have to up and leave without seeing the show and there weren't any other seats we could move to, so that wasn't an option. I dunno...I think a person's right to be well outweighs someones wanting to smell like a chemical factory...and at the very least, do you really need people to be able to smell you that far away??? Then again, I'm obviously biased. Either way, I seriously hope one day they find out firsthand what it's like to be bombarded by things out of your control that make you ill.

Wednesday Afternoon Update

On the dating front: Zilch. And I'm OK with that for now. Still soooo done with men for the time being. In fact, when my best friend suggested we peruse Plenty of Fish out of boredom the other night, I had absolutely no interest and told her as such (we watched Frasier and went for a drive instead). Yet my inner cynic is being slowly quieted by my inner romantic, which is starting to insist once again that 'he' is out there somewhere...as my mom put it, "It's just taking him a while to figure out where you are." Of course, the cynic is still doing battle at this point and being equally insistent at times that 'he' does not exist and that needs to be accepted. Time will tell, I suppose...In the meantime, I'm still a little disappointed and confused about the guy in Labrador. But there's been no contact on either side since last Tuesday and much as I am tempted to contact him from time to time, I really don't see the point anymore...for so many reasons...and that makes me so sad. I am working at distancing myself from that mentally and emotionally, though...it's just hard for me to let go of that feeling of connectedness once I find it with someone. I was pretty well his in my heart and my mind (and I know he was mine) and now I have to get back to being no one's but my own again - which is liberating and positive in a way but also crushing and depressing in another. It makes me feel, in turns, stronger, more determined, excited and independent than ever and more isolated, alone, and empty than ever. But I have zero desire right now to be with any man, much as I sometimes long for it. Something happened inside of me with this last incident and it changed things. Kinda 'turned my stomach,' if you will. I know it sounds insane - and I can't explain it - but I seriously felt more sure about him, without even having met him in person, than the guy I was with for 6 years...and then he was gone almost as quickly as he had planted himself in the fantasies of my future.

On the work front: It looks like I will be finishing out the year in Central during the week. I am hoping and praying and keeping my fingers crossed that I will get enough work to get me through and enough hours for EI in case I need to fall back on it, but the chances are slim at this point. Which means I have to start thinking about what I am going to do to try and keep myself afloat this summer. Seeing as I have never done anything but teach, I have no idea what that is going to be or what I would be suited for and able to cope with. Nor do I have much idea what most jobs entail or what would be best my best options financially. The downfalls of a sheltered life, I suppose - a big lack of common knowledge.

And in other news: My stepfather found out today that he got the job he was hoping for...he told me if he did then his first bonus goes on my student loan since I helped him out with the interview questions. So, yay for him and yay for me :-)

Also, my best friend and I decided Sunday night to go let our hair down. It was epic. We were nineteen again for a few hours and we rocked it. SO needed that. And we have been laughing over the anecdotes that resulted from that night and the day of recovery that followed off and on all week. Priceless. Here's a little something that I'm not really sure what to make of, though - I actually did something out of character and drank more than I normally would have. I usually cut myself off as soon as I start to feel the effects of the alcohol, as I am not a fan of getting too intoxicated or of being sick. However, I let go and got drunk...and ran into the guy I was dating when I first came home, who has been in my life in some capacity or other since our chance meeting 12 years ago. Anyway, he insisted on making sure my friend and I got home alright and actually didn't try to take advantage of my drunken state to get down my pants (which kind of shocked me since he can be a bit of a pig sometimes and is famous for that when it comes to me, whether either of us is sober or under the influence). Anyway, I just found the whole thing interesting upon reflection. Perhaps he actually does still have feelings for me other than the sexual variety...but I think that ship has sailed on my end. He has been relegated to the 'friends only' category in my mind for quite some time now (which I have been upfront with him about)...but we have the oddest relationship I've ever had with a male. Still, it's comforting, somehow.

Thursday Afternoon Update

OK, so I've been yo-yo-ing a bit with the whole weight loss thing, but I think things are on the decrease again. I reached a new low today - YAY! I got to pre-boyfriend-number-two weight a while ago and went back up a few pounds, but I have broken through the threshold and am now below that. In 8.2 pounds I will be at pre-boyfriend-number-one (yes, there have only been two long terms...and they ate up this decade for me). This excites me almost as much as the fact that there is a new bra store in town (which I have yet to check out). It is about damn time St. John's!!! AH, bliss....I was really wondering what the hell I was going to do when I needed to go shopping for unmentionables and contemplating the shipping costs from my favourite lingerie shop in Kelowna was not pretty...

Alas, I digress...

My mother, God bless her, has been pressuring me to make plans for the holidays. It will be my first Christmas on the island since 2004 and my first single one since I was 20. What makes it weird for me, though, is that my brother will be staying in town with his girlfriend and my parents will be out around the bay...and I have to decide where to be. And for some reason, having to make that decision triggers a very emotional response in me. The thought has crossed my mind to just stay at my apartment solo and see them all at some other point (other than Christmas Day) throughout the holidays, but I can't seem to bring myself to commit to any plan of action yet and I don't see why she insists on hounding me to figure it out.

I have been applying myself to figuring out what it is I want to do with my life in terms of career and so far every thought engenders several more but nothing is really screaming at me, "THIS IS YOUR PATH!!!" How disappointing is that???

After quite a few nasty bumps in the road in a close friendship over the past few months, I am contemplating cutting ties. This is never an easy thing to do and I am certainly not a fan, but sometimes self-protection trumps all. I can't say that I particularly enjoy feeling like someone else's personal punching bag at the moment or that I am being continually judged by someone I considered "friend." You know how the saying goes..."With friends like that..." And, well, when it starts to feel like a relationship with a controlling boyfriend? No, thank you. I wouldn't tolerate that from a boyfriend and so I see no reason why I should cater to it with a friend.

Oh, and that great guy I thought I had met? Turns out he may not be so great after all. Go figure. After a couple of dates and a whole lot of online conversation - in all of which we seemed to totally click and enjoy each other's personalities immensely (read: battle of wits, smile and laughter explosion, complemented with what appeared to be sparkly, googly-eyed adoration coming from him) - I am starting to get the vibe that perhaps he is a bit of a player. Which, I suppose, would account for the incredible acting skills if all that crap wasn't genuine. The boy is good, I'll give him that...but if he thinks I'm going to be one of those girls who is content to hang around on the back burner and soak up any pittance of attention she is paid, he's got a lot to learn. So, currently I'm keeping my eyes and my options open and waiting to see what happens (damn my hopeful optimistic side for choosing to make an appearance in this arena, but I really do like this one and can't help but hope that he IS being genuine and ISN'T trying to play me), but seriously starting to think putting a freeze on exploring romantic interests may be in order again soon. I really wonder what this whole thing is like from the male perspective, given that our brains operate so differently...

Getting Back Up

If you have been following this blog at all, you already know that it has been a rather rough year for me so far. Granted, everyone has their ups and downs, but I sort of feel like I've been mostly down and often kicked over the past 12 months. I am happy to say that I am now entering a period of renewed strength, determination, action, and optimism. It feels good. It is still a bumpy road and there are still obstacles in my path and decisions that are screaming at me to be made, but I am resilient - a fighter and a survivor, despite being such a whiner sometimes. Let's face it...there are a lot worse things I could have gone through than what I have. However, that is cold comfort when you are the person who is feeling lost and whose life is in utter upheaval.

Progress to date: I am continuing to follow The Artist's Way program, I have booked myself an appointment with a career counsellor, I am performing this weekend in the PCNSO/NSO's Messiah, I am volunteering on the theatre scene and keeping my eyes and ears open for opportunities to get back onstage. I have gotten some calls to sub (although not as many as I would like) and I am actively collecting and organizing writing ideas. I have also lost another few pounds, which feels really good.

In terms of the love life scene, I have processed and healed from the shock I wrote of in my last post. I have also been conversing with a couple of smart and intriguing men online (one of whom I have met and am attracted to on numerous levels - I am keeping my fingers crossed that there will be a chance to explore the possibilities further - as in date and get to know each other better - but I am in no rush to enter into another full blown relationship at this point). I am also kind of interested in finding out more about an acquaintance who has caught my attention.

I found it rather helpful to spend time with a friend of a friend recently who reminded me that being single and 30 does not mean that life is over. It's amazing how you can be acquainted with someone for years and never realize how much you have in common...some talking over wine remedied that situation this weekend and it was incredibly therapeutic (seriously - what would we ever do without our girlfriends?). It also made me realize that I want to savour this opportunity I have created to be a single lady again a little more than I have been (with the exception of all the fun I had this summer - that part was great). It may be my last chance, after all, and I remember a part of me mourning the loss of my single life and living vicariously through others while I was in long term relationships. Still, I was rather surprised at myself when I looked at her life - complete with husband, kids, and home - which I thought I wanted before and which I think I might still like someday, and realize that I don't actually want it right now. It's refreshing and relieving to know that. That's a whole lot of pressure lifted, right there...

And so I leave you with:



(Ok, so the whole song doesn't fit, but the whole not killing you but making you stronger bit works!)