Live Each Day Like It's Your Last

I had some sad news today...a close friend of my family died of a heart attack at work. I didn't really know him well...but he was my father's best friend and has been a friend of my mother's for the past 40 years, as well as several of my other family members and they are all shocked and upset by his sudden passing. His daughters used to babysit my brother and me when we were younger. And I had always meant to have a sit down with him and talk about my father (who died when I was really young). I figured who else to get some insight from than his former best friend? A couple of years ago I ran into him during the holidays and the thought crossed my mind that I should do it then - but the timing and the setting were not right. I thought I'd wait for a better time. I waited too long.

Inconsequential Hurts

Who am I kidding? I'm not over it. I am not cold and heartless. I want to be strong. I want to say that I could care less that I'll probably never see or hear from the cheater again. And part of me wants it that way and knows that's what's best...and that dealing with this now is much better than the pain I would be feeling if I had continued seeing him and gotten closer to him. Of course I know that. But it doesn't stop the fact that I miss him. Even though I know he wasn't who I thought he was. Even though I know I did the right thing and that he didn't give a rat's ass about me, which cuts me to the quick sometimes if I'm honest. I miss him. I miss talking to him and laughing with him. I miss his eyes, his voice, his scent, his touch, his smile and his kisses. I miss his arms around me. It is so hard to admit that because at the same time, I look at the reality of the situation and I am disgusted with myself for feeling that way. The time we spent together, perfect as it was, was a total illusion. How can someone come across so genuine and innocent and be doing something so deceitful the whole time? How can any part of me be mourning the loss of someone like that? I wonder how it all was for him. I wonder if he's even given me so much as a passing thought and whether he's considered contacting me, if only to say goodbye. I don't like this feeling of weakness...but I also know these moments are fleeting and will pass. I guess on the upside, at least they show me that despite everything I am not yet totally bitter and jaded. Soon enough, this won't matter to me at all.

In the meantime, I put all that in perspective by looking at what's been going on in the world in the past 24 hours and it seems silly to even put the time into writing about it. There are far bigger things to worry about than being disappointed by wanting something that was never going to materialize anyway. I'm alive. I'm safe. I'm warm and clothed and fed and have a roof over my head, for starters. Any complaints or hurts seem rather trivial in comparison to not having those needs met. And I don't want to be a whiner. Besides, I'm sure it's just karma's way of keeping me free for bigger and better things. And just like that things don't seem so bad anymore...fleeting moment of weakness conquered. One step at a time, right?

Busted

The air has been cleared in a sense...I had a conversation with the skilled liar/cheat/manipulator's girlfriend and informed her of what I knew (the basic facts, minus hurtful details) and the role I had unwittingly played in his deception. He picked the wrong girl to lie to, this time. I would love to be a fly on the wall for what happens next, but all I can do is hope she is smarter than I was in my past relationship and leaves right away instead of giving him the opportunity to "learn from his mistakes" (ie hone his skills) and do it again without getting caught. Either way, I did what I could to right the wrong and I suppose I will just have to be satisfied with that. She did make a comment to the effect that he is now single, however. I have to say, I'm very sorry that someone got hurt (well myself and the girlfriend, to be exact... I'm not sure whether he actually has a heart.) but I also have to admit that there is a certain grim, smug (bitter?) satisfaction that comes from playing the player. How DARE he insult my intelligence and take advantage of my trusting nature. It's just a sad realization that while I may have put the kibosh on his current activities (maybe, perhaps...), he will most likely go on to do this to other women in the future. You know what they say..."Once a cheater..."

Another Rough Month

It has been yet another rough month so far. My grandfather passed away three days after my last post. I am glad he didn't suffer for an extended period of time, but it is still difficult to lose someone you love and it's a little hard to wrap your head around when it happens quickly. I had more of a part to play in the days afterwards than I've had in the aftermath of the deaths of other friends and family, and I have to say it is a whole new experience to have to take part in tying up the loose ends of someone's life and the arrangements that have to be made to finalize (for lack of a better word) their time on Earth instead of having to contend solely with thoughts and grief. Specifically, I was put in charge of proof reading the obituary, doing the "write up" for the church bulletin to be used at his funeral, reading a passage from the Bible at the funeral, helping to fill out the necessary financial paperwork for my grandmother, and writing the note of thanks to go in the newspaper. It was difficult, it was stressful, and it also gave me something to focus on to get through this time and feel useful.

I spent the weekend in St. John's apartment hunting again. I called/emailed about upwards of thirty apartments and ended up viewing only six. Of those six, two were what I would consider "dives," three were decent, and one was absolutely gorgeous. Although my heart was set on the "gorgeous" spot, I decided on one of the "decent" places (which was cheaper and therefore more practical), and the landlady said she would get back to me in a couple of days. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it pans out...

Of course, I still don't have a job either which is becoming somewhat frustrating. I am, however, lucky enough to have awesome parents who (although it is incredibly embarrassing to have to ask for at this age) are willing to back me up until I can stand on my own two feet again. There are those who are of the opinion that it is stupid of me to look for a place to live before I have a job to pay for it, but I happen to think that once I am in town things will fall into place. I will have more time to look for employment and I will be in there already when it comes time to start...and as an added bonus I will have my own space once more and feel somewhat like an adult again. Besides, according to everyone I've talked to, apartments are scarce these days and the competition for them is fierce. Hence, wouldn't it make sense to focus my efforts there for the time being to make sure I have a place to live before everything is scooped up by the new group of students moving in for the fall semseter at MUN?

Anyway, I will stop babbling and trying to rationalize. I have a touch of cabin fever again today and it is only Monday yet so that is not a good sign...but the wind in the trees and the fresh air coming through my bedroom window sure are nice...

Perceptions and Time

So...in the smaller picture, the job and apartment hunting continue. I have to say, it feels rather a daunting task some days...and wow has rent ever gone up in St. John's in the past 5 years! I am trying to stay optimistic and am hoping to have something by July, so wish me luck!

In the bigger picture resides other, more serious and saddening, news: mortality has once again come knocking on my family's door. I know everyone has to go at some point, so to speak, and we all have to experience our times of difficulty as those left behind, but it never makes it any easier to face, does it? A dear friend of mine recently lost his uncle and my heart ached for him as he is away from home...I know how that feels, having gone through it myself a couple of years ago. However, little did I know I would be preparing for the same thing myself again so soon afterwards...

My stepfather's father - my last living grandfather (I have been blessed enough to have enjoyed three sets of living grandparents plus a couple of great-grandmothers in my life) - got sick shortly after I moved home. When his wife was finally able to convince him to go to the doctor (he is a very cranky, stubborn - yet lovable - old man), they were told it was pneumonia and he was prescribed medication for it. After three sets of antibiotics, things still were not improving much, and so he underwent more testing during a hospital stay to receive further treatment for his illness. A couple of weeks ago, we were told that he actually has cancer in both lungs. It was my understanding through conversations with family that the doctors predicted that he would have a few months to live, at the very least. That assessment has been changing rather rapidly and drastically...it was shortened to weeks, and now appears to be most likely a matter of only days.

Given that my grandfather was a heavy smoker (for somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60 years) and a diabetic (and never ever really took care of himself or altered his diet much), it didn't really come as a surprise that one day it would catch up with him. He himself took the news with a nonchalant, "well at least I got 77 years out of it," and I think he lived those 77 years the way he wanted to and enjoyed them. Which is kind of good, despite the not so good decisions he made for his health...but it didn't make it any easier to watch him go from a robust, crotchety, teasing, lively sort of man who wouldn't slow down or give in, to the man I saw before me when I visited his bedside yesterday evening inside a couple of weeks..or to see the toll it is taking on his wife of 51 years and their children - including my stepfather...and it doesn't make it any easier to realize that - very soon - we will all be saying goodbye...a fact which is only now starting to hit me as I am writing this. Odd how seeing it written in my own words on the screen makes it more real, somehow.

It's also strange how time plays such a huge role in our lives. Hours, days, weeks, months...they take on a whole new perspective and a whole new relevance depending on the matter at hand. A length of time can seem interminable or impossibly brief in relation to the events and emotions being experienced. Funny how that works.

I am glad that I am home right now - both to offer support and to be supported, but also so that I was able to spend some last moments with my grandfather while he was still his regular old self.

It's funny how when things unfold you can look back and see that they all fell into place a certain way for a reason and they start to make more sense. Not to say that I am only here because this was going to happen, but in retrospect, the events of the past year seem to have been part of a grand design - my move home being just a minuscule piece of the puzzle.

And thinking of all of these things makes the turmoil I've been experiencing trying to put my life back together seem so small and insignificant in comparison.

Yes, the imminence of death certainly has a way of putting everything back into perspective...

The Sad Truth

I heard a sad story the other day. It came from a 5 year old who said to me, "My dad was always sleeping but now he's gone. He was in the cop car." Naturally, my heart ached for the child, who I later found out has 3 siblings - and all of whom were recently placed in foster care; two in one household and the other two in separate homes.

The unfortunate truth - which we all know - is that situations like this are, regrettably, far too common. There are entirely too many harsh realities that permeate our society and, whether or not we still feel for others or have become desensitized to their plights, that still doesn't make it okay.

I realize that, once they pass a certain point, some things can simply be out of a person's control. Maybe. However, that doesn't excuse the trail of decisions leading up to the predicament in question, does it? I don't know. Perhaps it's just a by-product of a sheltered upbringing, but having a child tell you about their dad being taken away in a cop car so innocently and matter-of-factly like it is an everyday, normal occurrence, is just not right. I would think it impossible to be uncaring in the face of so bald a truth and I simply cannot understand how a person with children depending on them could make decisions that compromise their ability to parent those children. Yet, it DOES happen everyday. In a multitude of families and in a multitude of ways.

I cannot fathom what that must feel like and I am so thankful that I have never had to find out. Moreover, I am amazed at what some people can overcome to become happy, successful, adults against the odds. I just wish that the opposite was not also (understandable as it is) true; that even more of those children with troubled lives end up perpetuating the same dysfunctional cycles, unable to break free. Imagine what a world it would be if all children were nourished with love, security, structure, and support and given the freedom, encouragement, and space to grow...

Thankfulness

I have been at a loss recently as to what to write on here, but it seems almost obligatory to write something in relation to Thanksgiving. So, following, naturally, is a list of some of the things I am thankful for...

First of all, the usuals - which are too often taken for granted:

A roof over my head, food to eat, clothes to wear, people who love me...and the fact that I am lucky/blessed enough to live in a society where freedom is a fact of life.

You see, when I began writing this post (it's been on hold for a couple of days and it is now currently the 14th...shhhhhh.....) I had just finished watching Afghan Star, a documentary detailing the experiences of a group of Afghans who attempted to create their own version of the popular Idol series that airs in many different countries. This film drove home for me yet again the circumstances in which so many people are forced to exist and I cannot imagine what it must be like to be unable to express yourself freely and display your talents without risking your life by doing so - literally. The contestants, and even the host, of Afghan Star were subjected to a wealth of repercussions for their behaviour, which was deemed by their fellow countrymen to be inappropriate and sinful. These negative consequences included death threats, eviction, stigmatization for their families, and the inability to return to their hometowns, amongst others. Some of the people involved in the TV production were actually forced to flee the country once religious leaders had determined that their actions were in violation of Islamic laws.

However, apparently self expression through various forms of art are not equally repulsive. According to random citizens polled in the streets, song and dance are judged separately...while some are of the opinion that they are both taboo, others say that "singing is fine - anyone can sing, " but for a contestant to dance or "move" on the stage is scandalous. It also lets the public know that they are "loose" and deserving of scorn.

Silly and pointless as many reality TV/contests are, I find it unfathomable that there are people in the world who have to live in fear for displaying their artistic talents. I mean, obviously I am aware of this alternate reality, but just thinking of the opposite ends of the spectrum from all the outrageous ways our society encourages (or at least tolerates/allows) self expression, in comparison to the restrictiveness of the current Afghan culture, which prohibits such - generally demure, in contrast (unless you include some of the more pornographic music videos aired daily) - actions as public singing and dancing, is hard for me to wrap my head around. Yes...I have lived a relatively sheltered life, and prior to my move out west, even more so...

So, I reiterate: in addition to being incredibly thankful that I live close enough to some extended family to have been able to visit them and sit down to Thanksgiving dinner together, I am also infinitely grateful that I have the freedom to express myself any way I choose and to practice any art form my little heart desires.