It's official. My life since November has consisted of packing, unpacking, and driving. It looks like I will be staying with my brother for a bit and eventually moving into the apartment I have lined up in Kilbride. I hope I'll like it there.
Eventually, I will have enough time to revamp the blog to reflect the changes that have taken place...but first, I really need to get my life back on track. I can't wait to start filling it up with things I enjoy again instead of holding my breath and twiddling my thumbs trying not to go insane with the combination of boredom and frustration.
...and that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed a single moment since I've been home, because that is simply not true. I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and it's been great. However, I am, as a dear friend of mine pointed out the other day, "a planner" and I am currently suffering the discomfort of being unsettled and unsure of what is going on and where life is headed. Unfortunately, that little issue has been persistently plaguing the space in the back of my head that is prone to worrying about and dwelling on those sorts of things.
On that note, I have way too much to do right now to be sitting here procrastinating. There is, of course, packing to be done!
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Another Rough Month
It has been yet another rough month so far. My grandfather passed away three days after my last post. I am glad he didn't suffer for an extended period of time, but it is still difficult to lose someone you love and it's a little hard to wrap your head around when it happens quickly. I had more of a part to play in the days afterwards than I've had in the aftermath of the deaths of other friends and family, and I have to say it is a whole new experience to have to take part in tying up the loose ends of someone's life and the arrangements that have to be made to finalize (for lack of a better word) their time on Earth instead of having to contend solely with thoughts and grief. Specifically, I was put in charge of proof reading the obituary, doing the "write up" for the church bulletin to be used at his funeral, reading a passage from the Bible at the funeral, helping to fill out the necessary financial paperwork for my grandmother, and writing the note of thanks to go in the newspaper. It was difficult, it was stressful, and it also gave me something to focus on to get through this time and feel useful.
I spent the weekend in St. John's apartment hunting again. I called/emailed about upwards of thirty apartments and ended up viewing only six. Of those six, two were what I would consider "dives," three were decent, and one was absolutely gorgeous. Although my heart was set on the "gorgeous" spot, I decided on one of the "decent" places (which was cheaper and therefore more practical), and the landlady said she would get back to me in a couple of days. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it pans out...
Of course, I still don't have a job either which is becoming somewhat frustrating. I am, however, lucky enough to have awesome parents who (although it is incredibly embarrassing to have to ask for at this age) are willing to back me up until I can stand on my own two feet again. There are those who are of the opinion that it is stupid of me to look for a place to live before I have a job to pay for it, but I happen to think that once I am in town things will fall into place. I will have more time to look for employment and I will be in there already when it comes time to start...and as an added bonus I will have my own space once more and feel somewhat like an adult again. Besides, according to everyone I've talked to, apartments are scarce these days and the competition for them is fierce. Hence, wouldn't it make sense to focus my efforts there for the time being to make sure I have a place to live before everything is scooped up by the new group of students moving in for the fall semseter at MUN?
Anyway, I will stop babbling and trying to rationalize. I have a touch of cabin fever again today and it is only Monday yet so that is not a good sign...but the wind in the trees and the fresh air coming through my bedroom window sure are nice...
I spent the weekend in St. John's apartment hunting again. I called/emailed about upwards of thirty apartments and ended up viewing only six. Of those six, two were what I would consider "dives," three were decent, and one was absolutely gorgeous. Although my heart was set on the "gorgeous" spot, I decided on one of the "decent" places (which was cheaper and therefore more practical), and the landlady said she would get back to me in a couple of days. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it pans out...
Of course, I still don't have a job either which is becoming somewhat frustrating. I am, however, lucky enough to have awesome parents who (although it is incredibly embarrassing to have to ask for at this age) are willing to back me up until I can stand on my own two feet again. There are those who are of the opinion that it is stupid of me to look for a place to live before I have a job to pay for it, but I happen to think that once I am in town things will fall into place. I will have more time to look for employment and I will be in there already when it comes time to start...and as an added bonus I will have my own space once more and feel somewhat like an adult again. Besides, according to everyone I've talked to, apartments are scarce these days and the competition for them is fierce. Hence, wouldn't it make sense to focus my efforts there for the time being to make sure I have a place to live before everything is scooped up by the new group of students moving in for the fall semseter at MUN?
Anyway, I will stop babbling and trying to rationalize. I have a touch of cabin fever again today and it is only Monday yet so that is not a good sign...but the wind in the trees and the fresh air coming through my bedroom window sure are nice...
Monday, June 7, 2010
Perceptions and Time
So...in the smaller picture, the job and apartment hunting continue. I have to say, it feels rather a daunting task some days...and wow has rent ever gone up in St. John's in the past 5 years! I am trying to stay optimistic and am hoping to have something by July, so wish me luck!
In the bigger picture resides other, more serious and saddening, news: mortality has once again come knocking on my family's door. I know everyone has to go at some point, so to speak, and we all have to experience our times of difficulty as those left behind, but it never makes it any easier to face, does it? A dear friend of mine recently lost his uncle and my heart ached for him as he is away from home...I know how that feels, having gone through it myself a couple of years ago. However, little did I know I would be preparing for the same thing myself again so soon afterwards...
My stepfather's father - my last living grandfather (I have been blessed enough to have enjoyed three sets of living grandparents plus a couple of great-grandmothers in my life) - got sick shortly after I moved home. When his wife was finally able to convince him to go to the doctor (he is a very cranky, stubborn - yet lovable - old man), they were told it was pneumonia and he was prescribed medication for it. After three sets of antibiotics, things still were not improving much, and so he underwent more testing during a hospital stay to receive further treatment for his illness. A couple of weeks ago, we were told that he actually has cancer in both lungs. It was my understanding through conversations with family that the doctors predicted that he would have a few months to live, at the very least. That assessment has been changing rather rapidly and drastically...it was shortened to weeks, and now appears to be most likely a matter of only days.
Given that my grandfather was a heavy smoker (for somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60 years) and a diabetic (and never ever really took care of himself or altered his diet much), it didn't really come as a surprise that one day it would catch up with him. He himself took the news with a nonchalant, "well at least I got 77 years out of it," and I think he lived those 77 years the way he wanted to and enjoyed them. Which is kind of good, despite the not so good decisions he made for his health...but it didn't make it any easier to watch him go from a robust, crotchety, teasing, lively sort of man who wouldn't slow down or give in, to the man I saw before me when I visited his bedside yesterday evening inside a couple of weeks..or to see the toll it is taking on his wife of 51 years and their children - including my stepfather...and it doesn't make it any easier to realize that - very soon - we will all be saying goodbye...a fact which is only now starting to hit me as I am writing this. Odd how seeing it written in my own words on the screen makes it more real, somehow.
It's also strange how time plays such a huge role in our lives. Hours, days, weeks, months...they take on a whole new perspective and a whole new relevance depending on the matter at hand. A length of time can seem interminable or impossibly brief in relation to the events and emotions being experienced. Funny how that works.
I am glad that I am home right now - both to offer support and to be supported, but also so that I was able to spend some last moments with my grandfather while he was still his regular old self.
It's funny how when things unfold you can look back and see that they all fell into place a certain way for a reason and they start to make more sense. Not to say that I am only here because this was going to happen, but in retrospect, the events of the past year seem to have been part of a grand design - my move home being just a minuscule piece of the puzzle.
And thinking of all of these things makes the turmoil I've been experiencing trying to put my life back together seem so small and insignificant in comparison.
Yes, the imminence of death certainly has a way of putting everything back into perspective...
In the bigger picture resides other, more serious and saddening, news: mortality has once again come knocking on my family's door. I know everyone has to go at some point, so to speak, and we all have to experience our times of difficulty as those left behind, but it never makes it any easier to face, does it? A dear friend of mine recently lost his uncle and my heart ached for him as he is away from home...I know how that feels, having gone through it myself a couple of years ago. However, little did I know I would be preparing for the same thing myself again so soon afterwards...
My stepfather's father - my last living grandfather (I have been blessed enough to have enjoyed three sets of living grandparents plus a couple of great-grandmothers in my life) - got sick shortly after I moved home. When his wife was finally able to convince him to go to the doctor (he is a very cranky, stubborn - yet lovable - old man), they were told it was pneumonia and he was prescribed medication for it. After three sets of antibiotics, things still were not improving much, and so he underwent more testing during a hospital stay to receive further treatment for his illness. A couple of weeks ago, we were told that he actually has cancer in both lungs. It was my understanding through conversations with family that the doctors predicted that he would have a few months to live, at the very least. That assessment has been changing rather rapidly and drastically...it was shortened to weeks, and now appears to be most likely a matter of only days.
Given that my grandfather was a heavy smoker (for somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60 years) and a diabetic (and never ever really took care of himself or altered his diet much), it didn't really come as a surprise that one day it would catch up with him. He himself took the news with a nonchalant, "well at least I got 77 years out of it," and I think he lived those 77 years the way he wanted to and enjoyed them. Which is kind of good, despite the not so good decisions he made for his health...but it didn't make it any easier to watch him go from a robust, crotchety, teasing, lively sort of man who wouldn't slow down or give in, to the man I saw before me when I visited his bedside yesterday evening inside a couple of weeks..or to see the toll it is taking on his wife of 51 years and their children - including my stepfather...and it doesn't make it any easier to realize that - very soon - we will all be saying goodbye...a fact which is only now starting to hit me as I am writing this. Odd how seeing it written in my own words on the screen makes it more real, somehow.
It's also strange how time plays such a huge role in our lives. Hours, days, weeks, months...they take on a whole new perspective and a whole new relevance depending on the matter at hand. A length of time can seem interminable or impossibly brief in relation to the events and emotions being experienced. Funny how that works.
I am glad that I am home right now - both to offer support and to be supported, but also so that I was able to spend some last moments with my grandfather while he was still his regular old self.
It's funny how when things unfold you can look back and see that they all fell into place a certain way for a reason and they start to make more sense. Not to say that I am only here because this was going to happen, but in retrospect, the events of the past year seem to have been part of a grand design - my move home being just a minuscule piece of the puzzle.
And thinking of all of these things makes the turmoil I've been experiencing trying to put my life back together seem so small and insignificant in comparison.
Yes, the imminence of death certainly has a way of putting everything back into perspective...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Single Life Update
It has been a while...some things have changed and others have stayed pretty much the same...
I am almost done with the unpacking/repacking/organizing phase, but I really do hope to have my own place again very soon (even though that will mean partially starting that phase over again). Great as it is for my parents to take me in, I am finding it very hard to deal with not being on my own at the moment. I really need to have my own space...preferably in St. John's, where most of my friends are situated at present.
I'm still looking for a job. I've applied for a bunch but so far no feedback. It would be nice to be employed again. I'm trying not to get down over it, but it's hard not to sometimes.
I'm done with grieving for my failed relationship and have started dating again. It's fun and exciting in some ways, but it sucks in others. Let's face it, all those awkward first moments you have to contend with whenever you start seeing someone new are not exactly a pleasure to go through. And honestly, I really miss having someone to love and you can't love just anybody. Now that I'm dating again I tend to swing between just wanting to enjoy the moment and not get too attached to not wanting to waste time with anyone who I don't see becoming a long-term prospect. I'm finding I am also tending to over analyze my thoughts and feelings a lot more than usual and it is increasingly difficult to figure out just what I AM feeling a lot of the time. On the bright side, though, parts of me that have been buried for a long time are re-emerging and it's nice to experience them again. It's all a part of that weird, post-breakup head space I suppose. There are days when I'm just happy to be on my own with an opportunity for a fresh start and there are days when all I want to do is curl up and cry because I have to start over in so many ways which can be, at times, very frustrating and overwhelming. I really didn't think this is where I would be at almost 30. I thought I would be settled in my career and started on my own family by now and that doesn't seem to be anywhere in the cards in the foreseeable future and is kind of depressing to think about.
I'm bored a lot of the time. There isn't a lot to do around here (or, not a lot that I want to do at least) and I experience frequent bouts of cabin fever and going stir crazy. Hence, I usually take off on the weekends to try and retain my sanity.
Anyway, it's quite a process. I don't remember things being so complicated the last time I went through a major breakup...then again I was in my early twenties at that point so I guess they really weren't. I had loads of time and not much to worry about. I just really hope all of this will have been worth it in the end. I guess in some ways it already is...I'm attempting to move on and trying to find happiness instead of staying where I knew the potential for it had dwindled to the point of no return. That has to count for something, right? However, I do wish all those doors I thought I saw would start opening up already...
I am almost done with the unpacking/repacking/organizing phase, but I really do hope to have my own place again very soon (even though that will mean partially starting that phase over again). Great as it is for my parents to take me in, I am finding it very hard to deal with not being on my own at the moment. I really need to have my own space...preferably in St. John's, where most of my friends are situated at present.
I'm still looking for a job. I've applied for a bunch but so far no feedback. It would be nice to be employed again. I'm trying not to get down over it, but it's hard not to sometimes.
I'm done with grieving for my failed relationship and have started dating again. It's fun and exciting in some ways, but it sucks in others. Let's face it, all those awkward first moments you have to contend with whenever you start seeing someone new are not exactly a pleasure to go through. And honestly, I really miss having someone to love and you can't love just anybody. Now that I'm dating again I tend to swing between just wanting to enjoy the moment and not get too attached to not wanting to waste time with anyone who I don't see becoming a long-term prospect. I'm finding I am also tending to over analyze my thoughts and feelings a lot more than usual and it is increasingly difficult to figure out just what I AM feeling a lot of the time. On the bright side, though, parts of me that have been buried for a long time are re-emerging and it's nice to experience them again. It's all a part of that weird, post-breakup head space I suppose. There are days when I'm just happy to be on my own with an opportunity for a fresh start and there are days when all I want to do is curl up and cry because I have to start over in so many ways which can be, at times, very frustrating and overwhelming. I really didn't think this is where I would be at almost 30. I thought I would be settled in my career and started on my own family by now and that doesn't seem to be anywhere in the cards in the foreseeable future and is kind of depressing to think about.
I'm bored a lot of the time. There isn't a lot to do around here (or, not a lot that I want to do at least) and I experience frequent bouts of cabin fever and going stir crazy. Hence, I usually take off on the weekends to try and retain my sanity.
Anyway, it's quite a process. I don't remember things being so complicated the last time I went through a major breakup...then again I was in my early twenties at that point so I guess they really weren't. I had loads of time and not much to worry about. I just really hope all of this will have been worth it in the end. I guess in some ways it already is...I'm attempting to move on and trying to find happiness instead of staying where I knew the potential for it had dwindled to the point of no return. That has to count for something, right? However, I do wish all those doors I thought I saw would start opening up already...
Friday, April 16, 2010
Name Change
So, as mentioned awhile ago, the move back to the island kind of necessitates a name change for the blog. So far, I am drawing a blank (although, admittedly, I haven't exactly been putting a lot of thought into it with so much else on my plate). I'm thinking probably something that would reflect new beginnings or a return home (since that will likely be the predominant theme in my blogs for awhile), but haven't yet come up with anything I like. Any suggestions out there to get me started?
In other news, I have finally been able to regain enough stability to start getting back on track with my normal diet and exercise routines (which have been thrown completely out of whack for the last couple of months or more, which has in turn resulted in unwanted extra poundage on top of what I was already wanting to shed). I am happy to report that after only a few days, I am already down 1.2 lbs. Yay me! Let's hope that continues!
...And one last note: I am really not enjoying getting reacquainted with Newfoundland's version of spring. YUCK! I have been totally spoiled over the past few years. Imagine - experiencing seasons as they were meant to occur within the timeframes they are expected to occur. What a novel idea! In the big picture, it's not that big a deal, of course. It is only weather, after all, and we are notorious for not having great weather out here in the middle of the Atlantic. And it is more than a fair tradeoff to put up with poor weather in turn for being around so many people I love and need right now...but a girl can rant and complain for a bit, can't she?
In other news, I have finally been able to regain enough stability to start getting back on track with my normal diet and exercise routines (which have been thrown completely out of whack for the last couple of months or more, which has in turn resulted in unwanted extra poundage on top of what I was already wanting to shed). I am happy to report that after only a few days, I am already down 1.2 lbs. Yay me! Let's hope that continues!
...And one last note: I am really not enjoying getting reacquainted with Newfoundland's version of spring. YUCK! I have been totally spoiled over the past few years. Imagine - experiencing seasons as they were meant to occur within the timeframes they are expected to occur. What a novel idea! In the big picture, it's not that big a deal, of course. It is only weather, after all, and we are notorious for not having great weather out here in the middle of the Atlantic. And it is more than a fair tradeoff to put up with poor weather in turn for being around so many people I love and need right now...but a girl can rant and complain for a bit, can't she?
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Boredom Reigns
How is that possible, you ask? Well I am a notorious procrastinator in certain situations (but in my defence, I usually get shit done when it comes to the crunch and I never let things slide that will have a majorly negative impact on myself or those around me. My bills are always paid on time and all that jazz). Hence, although there are a million boxes waiting to be unpacked, the thought of tackling them is totally unappealing. I did put in a bunch of hours in my parents basement today doing just that, however, followed by an overdue yoga session and a nice, hot bath.
...And then night came...all motivation fled and I have been bored stiff ever since about 7pm or so. Sigh...
Add to that that tonight is opening night for the play I had to back out of in BC and I'm actually pretty bummed to be sitting here and not having a blast on the stage. Oh, fellow thespians, break a leg in my honour this eve! Would that I could be there with you! (Note to self: MUST get settled and search out theatrical pursuits ASAP).
Ah well, c'est la vie I guess. I will just put my frustrations out there in cyberspace and hope tomorrow is a better day...
...And then night came...all motivation fled and I have been bored stiff ever since about 7pm or so. Sigh...
Add to that that tonight is opening night for the play I had to back out of in BC and I'm actually pretty bummed to be sitting here and not having a blast on the stage. Oh, fellow thespians, break a leg in my honour this eve! Would that I could be there with you! (Note to self: MUST get settled and search out theatrical pursuits ASAP).
Ah well, c'est la vie I guess. I will just put my frustrations out there in cyberspace and hope tomorrow is a better day...
Tuesday, April 13, 2010
As the Dust Settles
So, I've been home now for almost a month. It's amazing how quickly time passes by. I am still knees deep in getting myself situated here and it will take awhile to get through the healing process and get back on my feet again (although I am surprised by my own strength and resilience in navigating this situation at the same time). In the meantime, it is really good to have close friends and family around me (although I do still miss those I've left behind in BC) and reconnect with a few people I haven't seen or hung out with in years. Life is starting to regain some of it's former lustre, which is a good thing.
That being said, I'm also more than a little surprised at how unfamiliar everything feels...I thought it would be an easy transition that way - well, not in terms of moving in with my parents again for the time being after 12 years of being on my own (so to speak), but I mean I was born and raised here and have been back to visit practically every year since I left so I was not expecting it to be quite so hard to get readjusted and stop feeling like a sore thumb in so many ways. All in due time, I guess...
I really can't wait for my car to get here though. That will go a long way in regaining my independence, for sure, and make working and getting my own place in "town" (and being self-sufficient) again a little easier. Because, seriously, I don't think I can handle not living in a city of some sort anymore at this point, whether it's small or large. Perhaps in the future it might sound more appealing, but for now I definitely need to have more variety and options open to me than a rural town or outport can supply. Not that there's anything wrong with small towns or outports. I quite enjoy them - but to visit at this point and not to stay.
The bottom line is, I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and I have a lot more work to do to get back on track on multiple levels. I am still in that weird post-breakup headspace some days and others I am amazed at how far I've come already in putting my life back together and finding some sort of normalcy, enjoyment, and excitement for myself. Yes, a door has closed and my life has taken a different path than I had anticipated. There was a lot of grieving for what could have been as I watched that door swing shut. But now that that initial phase has mostly passed, I've gotten through the difficult cutting ties and getting myself home phase, and a calm, rational acceptance has settled in in the aftermath, it is rather refreshing to come to the realization that a whole bunch of other opportunities now stand before me that I would not have had the chance to seriously consider before.
It is also nice to be able to view everything through an amicable lens in terms of the one I left behind. I really hope he is doing well and getting himself back on track, too. I truly wish him nothing but the best. He is a great guy in very many ways and it was a sad and difficult decision to give him up...but it to was the right thing to do.
And that's it, in a nutshell...my body is coping with the physical effects of all the stress I've been through and my brain is doing what it can to finish healing my heart. And life goes on...
That being said, I'm also more than a little surprised at how unfamiliar everything feels...I thought it would be an easy transition that way - well, not in terms of moving in with my parents again for the time being after 12 years of being on my own (so to speak), but I mean I was born and raised here and have been back to visit practically every year since I left so I was not expecting it to be quite so hard to get readjusted and stop feeling like a sore thumb in so many ways. All in due time, I guess...
I really can't wait for my car to get here though. That will go a long way in regaining my independence, for sure, and make working and getting my own place in "town" (and being self-sufficient) again a little easier. Because, seriously, I don't think I can handle not living in a city of some sort anymore at this point, whether it's small or large. Perhaps in the future it might sound more appealing, but for now I definitely need to have more variety and options open to me than a rural town or outport can supply. Not that there's anything wrong with small towns or outports. I quite enjoy them - but to visit at this point and not to stay.
The bottom line is, I've been through a lot in the past couple of months and I have a lot more work to do to get back on track on multiple levels. I am still in that weird post-breakup headspace some days and others I am amazed at how far I've come already in putting my life back together and finding some sort of normalcy, enjoyment, and excitement for myself. Yes, a door has closed and my life has taken a different path than I had anticipated. There was a lot of grieving for what could have been as I watched that door swing shut. But now that that initial phase has mostly passed, I've gotten through the difficult cutting ties and getting myself home phase, and a calm, rational acceptance has settled in in the aftermath, it is rather refreshing to come to the realization that a whole bunch of other opportunities now stand before me that I would not have had the chance to seriously consider before.
It is also nice to be able to view everything through an amicable lens in terms of the one I left behind. I really hope he is doing well and getting himself back on track, too. I truly wish him nothing but the best. He is a great guy in very many ways and it was a sad and difficult decision to give him up...but it to was the right thing to do.
And that's it, in a nutshell...my body is coping with the physical effects of all the stress I've been through and my brain is doing what it can to finish healing my heart. And life goes on...
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