So. I am happy to report that I got off lightly. All I had to contend with was a power outage of several hours and extreme boredom. There were many who were not nearly as fortunate, and, while I am ever grateful that I was spared, my heart goes out to them. Within my own family, there was extensive property damage but, thankfully, no injuries or loss of life. I actually did not realize the severity of what was going on outside for the most part (and in different parts of the island), as I opted to stay at home (with no phone, cable, or Internet - hence the obliviousness to anything I could not see out the kitchen window) to aid my mother in keeping her sanity. She's a big worrier, and I didn't want to add to her stress...not that it was a completely selfless action...I have to admit, it was not very tempting to go through the door with the weather as it was...I've seen the countless stream of pictures and videos on facebook though. Not nice. Here's hoping everyone effected will get the help they need to bounce back sooner rather than later.
...In other news, I have finally started contacting theatre and choir groups and am hoping to have some memberships solidified soon.
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Friday, September 17, 2010
Treading New Ground and Lacking Excitement
I have been tepidly navigating the world of online dating off and on for the past few months. It is certainly a whole new ballgame trying to meet people when you are nearing 30 as opposed to when you are barely 20, let me tell you!
I was thinking I was doing better than the average Internet dater, judging by the cynical profile descriptions and horror stories of whackos - through sheer luck, everyone I had talked to up to a certain point seemed relatively normal and decent...and then the weirdos started coming out of the woodwork. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm surprised at the number of guys (I can't really speak for the girls as I haven't been perusing them or conversating with them) who are willing to sleep with someone they've never seen a picture of or spoken to/chatted with, let alone met! Wow. That was an eye-opener. I also didn't realize that being able to spell and use correct grammar and punctuation automatically places someone in an elite group. One would think those are pretty basic skills, but apparently not... Anyway, I could go on, but I'm sure everyone has had or heard of the same sorts of things these days since online dating is so common. Suffice it to say it's been an interesting learning experience! I did manage to make myself a couple of good guy friends though, so it hasn't been a total waste of time (and it may still yield other fortunate results - who knows - but I'm not exactly holding my breath).
Other than that, the apartment is slowly coming together and getting in order and I have still been fighting to get a foot in the door work-wise. Life's a whole lot more lowkey now that everyone else has gone back to work and the weather is changing and it's sometimes rough to find things to do to keep myself from going insane, still. But I'm ok with living alone. That was a big adjustment and, surprisingly, it did not take long to adapt and embrace it. Having said that, I am very lucky to have a bunch of friends and family within a 15 minute drive for those times when I'm extra lonely and heading towards stir-crazy. I'm also in the midst of trying to find/contact some theatre/choir groups to broaden my circle and fill up my evenings a bit. I really need to diversify again at this point. This life is not enough for me as it is...
I was thinking I was doing better than the average Internet dater, judging by the cynical profile descriptions and horror stories of whackos - through sheer luck, everyone I had talked to up to a certain point seemed relatively normal and decent...and then the weirdos started coming out of the woodwork. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm surprised at the number of guys (I can't really speak for the girls as I haven't been perusing them or conversating with them) who are willing to sleep with someone they've never seen a picture of or spoken to/chatted with, let alone met! Wow. That was an eye-opener. I also didn't realize that being able to spell and use correct grammar and punctuation automatically places someone in an elite group. One would think those are pretty basic skills, but apparently not... Anyway, I could go on, but I'm sure everyone has had or heard of the same sorts of things these days since online dating is so common. Suffice it to say it's been an interesting learning experience! I did manage to make myself a couple of good guy friends though, so it hasn't been a total waste of time (and it may still yield other fortunate results - who knows - but I'm not exactly holding my breath).
Other than that, the apartment is slowly coming together and getting in order and I have still been fighting to get a foot in the door work-wise. Life's a whole lot more lowkey now that everyone else has gone back to work and the weather is changing and it's sometimes rough to find things to do to keep myself from going insane, still. But I'm ok with living alone. That was a big adjustment and, surprisingly, it did not take long to adapt and embrace it. Having said that, I am very lucky to have a bunch of friends and family within a 15 minute drive for those times when I'm extra lonely and heading towards stir-crazy. I'm also in the midst of trying to find/contact some theatre/choir groups to broaden my circle and fill up my evenings a bit. I really need to diversify again at this point. This life is not enough for me as it is...
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Discomfort
It's been 5 months and counting since I returned to my home province. I've now resettled in Kilbride and am living solo again. I have mixed feelings about the experience. There are times it is liberating and empowering and I love my own company. There are others when it is so devestatingly lonely and I feel so restless and uncomfortable I could scream or cry...and sometimes do. I have come to realize that I have been stubbornly refusing to go through a lot of the post-breakup process...that I have been practicing extreme avoidance through distracting myself by being constantly on the go with friends (not that there's anything wrong with that) and scouting for potential dates/wasting time on a lot of Mr. Wrongs. In short, I have been guilty of doing what I have always told friends who went through breakups NOT to do: I have not been learning to love myself more and taking care of myself the way I should be, I have not been actively getting in touch with myself and getting to know myself again, I have not been using my time wisely and filling my days with the things I enjoy doing, I have not been working on all the things I was excited about being able to work on again...I have not been actively learning to how to be on my own and I have been depending on other people for entertainment.
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I experienced relatively little upheaval from this whole transition in terms of going from being in a relationship to being single. Some, yes, from time to time, but not a lot. Mostly I was ok...just frustrated at what I perceived as having gone backwards in my life plans in a sense, and being stuck living with my parents in the boondocks. I dated an old flame, met a few new guys, and did a lot of going out and celebrating my freedom with my friends. And now reality is setting in. August was a slowing down period and today September stepped up and smacked me in the face. I mean, seriously, I got my hair done today and barely even got any enjoyment out of it for Pete's sake! You know there's something wrong when...! I seriously have not cried as much as I have in the past couple of days in YEARS (well except for last year this time when I realized my relationship was falling apart - and WHY did I stay so long after that again???). I am also in the midst of trying to quit smoking again (my dirty little secret...I picked it up little by little after being around the old flame and the old friends all the time - all of whom smoke - and have been battling getting back to smokefree...and that adds to the emotional turmoil. Last time I quit 5 years ago I was a basketcase for a while with the withdrawal, etc).
In short, I am a mess right now. I am sitting in this discomfort, seemingly unable to pull myself out of it at the moment, and hoping it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship and I don't regret making the choice to leave. I just despise this feeling of weakness and yearning that stems from being an affectionate person and having no one to give that affection to while being unwilling to settle for just anyone to bestow it on...if that makes sense. It's kind of a battle between being pathetic and clinging to my standards. It's hard to be patient and wait for the right man when you don't even know if he exists anymore and all you can do is convince yourself to hang in there and hope he crosses your path sooner rather than later...but realizing that it's probably best if he doesn't show up yet for awhile anyhow because you're not exactly at the top of your game...
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I experienced relatively little upheaval from this whole transition in terms of going from being in a relationship to being single. Some, yes, from time to time, but not a lot. Mostly I was ok...just frustrated at what I perceived as having gone backwards in my life plans in a sense, and being stuck living with my parents in the boondocks. I dated an old flame, met a few new guys, and did a lot of going out and celebrating my freedom with my friends. And now reality is setting in. August was a slowing down period and today September stepped up and smacked me in the face. I mean, seriously, I got my hair done today and barely even got any enjoyment out of it for Pete's sake! You know there's something wrong when...! I seriously have not cried as much as I have in the past couple of days in YEARS (well except for last year this time when I realized my relationship was falling apart - and WHY did I stay so long after that again???). I am also in the midst of trying to quit smoking again (my dirty little secret...I picked it up little by little after being around the old flame and the old friends all the time - all of whom smoke - and have been battling getting back to smokefree...and that adds to the emotional turmoil. Last time I quit 5 years ago I was a basketcase for a while with the withdrawal, etc).
In short, I am a mess right now. I am sitting in this discomfort, seemingly unable to pull myself out of it at the moment, and hoping it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship and I don't regret making the choice to leave. I just despise this feeling of weakness and yearning that stems from being an affectionate person and having no one to give that affection to while being unwilling to settle for just anyone to bestow it on...if that makes sense. It's kind of a battle between being pathetic and clinging to my standards. It's hard to be patient and wait for the right man when you don't even know if he exists anymore and all you can do is convince yourself to hang in there and hope he crosses your path sooner rather than later...but realizing that it's probably best if he doesn't show up yet for awhile anyhow because you're not exactly at the top of your game...
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Another Move on the Horizon
It's official. My life since November has consisted of packing, unpacking, and driving. It looks like I will be staying with my brother for a bit and eventually moving into the apartment I have lined up in Kilbride. I hope I'll like it there.
Eventually, I will have enough time to revamp the blog to reflect the changes that have taken place...but first, I really need to get my life back on track. I can't wait to start filling it up with things I enjoy again instead of holding my breath and twiddling my thumbs trying not to go insane with the combination of boredom and frustration.
...and that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed a single moment since I've been home, because that is simply not true. I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and it's been great. However, I am, as a dear friend of mine pointed out the other day, "a planner" and I am currently suffering the discomfort of being unsettled and unsure of what is going on and where life is headed. Unfortunately, that little issue has been persistently plaguing the space in the back of my head that is prone to worrying about and dwelling on those sorts of things.
On that note, I have way too much to do right now to be sitting here procrastinating. There is, of course, packing to be done!
Eventually, I will have enough time to revamp the blog to reflect the changes that have taken place...but first, I really need to get my life back on track. I can't wait to start filling it up with things I enjoy again instead of holding my breath and twiddling my thumbs trying not to go insane with the combination of boredom and frustration.
...and that's not to say that I haven't enjoyed a single moment since I've been home, because that is simply not true. I have spent a lot of time with friends and family and it's been great. However, I am, as a dear friend of mine pointed out the other day, "a planner" and I am currently suffering the discomfort of being unsettled and unsure of what is going on and where life is headed. Unfortunately, that little issue has been persistently plaguing the space in the back of my head that is prone to worrying about and dwelling on those sorts of things.
On that note, I have way too much to do right now to be sitting here procrastinating. There is, of course, packing to be done!
Monday, June 21, 2010
Another Rough Month
It has been yet another rough month so far. My grandfather passed away three days after my last post. I am glad he didn't suffer for an extended period of time, but it is still difficult to lose someone you love and it's a little hard to wrap your head around when it happens quickly. I had more of a part to play in the days afterwards than I've had in the aftermath of the deaths of other friends and family, and I have to say it is a whole new experience to have to take part in tying up the loose ends of someone's life and the arrangements that have to be made to finalize (for lack of a better word) their time on Earth instead of having to contend solely with thoughts and grief. Specifically, I was put in charge of proof reading the obituary, doing the "write up" for the church bulletin to be used at his funeral, reading a passage from the Bible at the funeral, helping to fill out the necessary financial paperwork for my grandmother, and writing the note of thanks to go in the newspaper. It was difficult, it was stressful, and it also gave me something to focus on to get through this time and feel useful.
I spent the weekend in St. John's apartment hunting again. I called/emailed about upwards of thirty apartments and ended up viewing only six. Of those six, two were what I would consider "dives," three were decent, and one was absolutely gorgeous. Although my heart was set on the "gorgeous" spot, I decided on one of the "decent" places (which was cheaper and therefore more practical), and the landlady said she would get back to me in a couple of days. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it pans out...
Of course, I still don't have a job either which is becoming somewhat frustrating. I am, however, lucky enough to have awesome parents who (although it is incredibly embarrassing to have to ask for at this age) are willing to back me up until I can stand on my own two feet again. There are those who are of the opinion that it is stupid of me to look for a place to live before I have a job to pay for it, but I happen to think that once I am in town things will fall into place. I will have more time to look for employment and I will be in there already when it comes time to start...and as an added bonus I will have my own space once more and feel somewhat like an adult again. Besides, according to everyone I've talked to, apartments are scarce these days and the competition for them is fierce. Hence, wouldn't it make sense to focus my efforts there for the time being to make sure I have a place to live before everything is scooped up by the new group of students moving in for the fall semseter at MUN?
Anyway, I will stop babbling and trying to rationalize. I have a touch of cabin fever again today and it is only Monday yet so that is not a good sign...but the wind in the trees and the fresh air coming through my bedroom window sure are nice...
I spent the weekend in St. John's apartment hunting again. I called/emailed about upwards of thirty apartments and ended up viewing only six. Of those six, two were what I would consider "dives," three were decent, and one was absolutely gorgeous. Although my heart was set on the "gorgeous" spot, I decided on one of the "decent" places (which was cheaper and therefore more practical), and the landlady said she would get back to me in a couple of days. I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping it pans out...
Of course, I still don't have a job either which is becoming somewhat frustrating. I am, however, lucky enough to have awesome parents who (although it is incredibly embarrassing to have to ask for at this age) are willing to back me up until I can stand on my own two feet again. There are those who are of the opinion that it is stupid of me to look for a place to live before I have a job to pay for it, but I happen to think that once I am in town things will fall into place. I will have more time to look for employment and I will be in there already when it comes time to start...and as an added bonus I will have my own space once more and feel somewhat like an adult again. Besides, according to everyone I've talked to, apartments are scarce these days and the competition for them is fierce. Hence, wouldn't it make sense to focus my efforts there for the time being to make sure I have a place to live before everything is scooped up by the new group of students moving in for the fall semseter at MUN?
Anyway, I will stop babbling and trying to rationalize. I have a touch of cabin fever again today and it is only Monday yet so that is not a good sign...but the wind in the trees and the fresh air coming through my bedroom window sure are nice...
Monday, June 7, 2010
Perceptions and Time
So...in the smaller picture, the job and apartment hunting continue. I have to say, it feels rather a daunting task some days...and wow has rent ever gone up in St. John's in the past 5 years! I am trying to stay optimistic and am hoping to have something by July, so wish me luck!
In the bigger picture resides other, more serious and saddening, news: mortality has once again come knocking on my family's door. I know everyone has to go at some point, so to speak, and we all have to experience our times of difficulty as those left behind, but it never makes it any easier to face, does it? A dear friend of mine recently lost his uncle and my heart ached for him as he is away from home...I know how that feels, having gone through it myself a couple of years ago. However, little did I know I would be preparing for the same thing myself again so soon afterwards...
My stepfather's father - my last living grandfather (I have been blessed enough to have enjoyed three sets of living grandparents plus a couple of great-grandmothers in my life) - got sick shortly after I moved home. When his wife was finally able to convince him to go to the doctor (he is a very cranky, stubborn - yet lovable - old man), they were told it was pneumonia and he was prescribed medication for it. After three sets of antibiotics, things still were not improving much, and so he underwent more testing during a hospital stay to receive further treatment for his illness. A couple of weeks ago, we were told that he actually has cancer in both lungs. It was my understanding through conversations with family that the doctors predicted that he would have a few months to live, at the very least. That assessment has been changing rather rapidly and drastically...it was shortened to weeks, and now appears to be most likely a matter of only days.
Given that my grandfather was a heavy smoker (for somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60 years) and a diabetic (and never ever really took care of himself or altered his diet much), it didn't really come as a surprise that one day it would catch up with him. He himself took the news with a nonchalant, "well at least I got 77 years out of it," and I think he lived those 77 years the way he wanted to and enjoyed them. Which is kind of good, despite the not so good decisions he made for his health...but it didn't make it any easier to watch him go from a robust, crotchety, teasing, lively sort of man who wouldn't slow down or give in, to the man I saw before me when I visited his bedside yesterday evening inside a couple of weeks..or to see the toll it is taking on his wife of 51 years and their children - including my stepfather...and it doesn't make it any easier to realize that - very soon - we will all be saying goodbye...a fact which is only now starting to hit me as I am writing this. Odd how seeing it written in my own words on the screen makes it more real, somehow.
It's also strange how time plays such a huge role in our lives. Hours, days, weeks, months...they take on a whole new perspective and a whole new relevance depending on the matter at hand. A length of time can seem interminable or impossibly brief in relation to the events and emotions being experienced. Funny how that works.
I am glad that I am home right now - both to offer support and to be supported, but also so that I was able to spend some last moments with my grandfather while he was still his regular old self.
It's funny how when things unfold you can look back and see that they all fell into place a certain way for a reason and they start to make more sense. Not to say that I am only here because this was going to happen, but in retrospect, the events of the past year seem to have been part of a grand design - my move home being just a minuscule piece of the puzzle.
And thinking of all of these things makes the turmoil I've been experiencing trying to put my life back together seem so small and insignificant in comparison.
Yes, the imminence of death certainly has a way of putting everything back into perspective...
In the bigger picture resides other, more serious and saddening, news: mortality has once again come knocking on my family's door. I know everyone has to go at some point, so to speak, and we all have to experience our times of difficulty as those left behind, but it never makes it any easier to face, does it? A dear friend of mine recently lost his uncle and my heart ached for him as he is away from home...I know how that feels, having gone through it myself a couple of years ago. However, little did I know I would be preparing for the same thing myself again so soon afterwards...
My stepfather's father - my last living grandfather (I have been blessed enough to have enjoyed three sets of living grandparents plus a couple of great-grandmothers in my life) - got sick shortly after I moved home. When his wife was finally able to convince him to go to the doctor (he is a very cranky, stubborn - yet lovable - old man), they were told it was pneumonia and he was prescribed medication for it. After three sets of antibiotics, things still were not improving much, and so he underwent more testing during a hospital stay to receive further treatment for his illness. A couple of weeks ago, we were told that he actually has cancer in both lungs. It was my understanding through conversations with family that the doctors predicted that he would have a few months to live, at the very least. That assessment has been changing rather rapidly and drastically...it was shortened to weeks, and now appears to be most likely a matter of only days.
Given that my grandfather was a heavy smoker (for somewhere in the neighbourhood of 60 years) and a diabetic (and never ever really took care of himself or altered his diet much), it didn't really come as a surprise that one day it would catch up with him. He himself took the news with a nonchalant, "well at least I got 77 years out of it," and I think he lived those 77 years the way he wanted to and enjoyed them. Which is kind of good, despite the not so good decisions he made for his health...but it didn't make it any easier to watch him go from a robust, crotchety, teasing, lively sort of man who wouldn't slow down or give in, to the man I saw before me when I visited his bedside yesterday evening inside a couple of weeks..or to see the toll it is taking on his wife of 51 years and their children - including my stepfather...and it doesn't make it any easier to realize that - very soon - we will all be saying goodbye...a fact which is only now starting to hit me as I am writing this. Odd how seeing it written in my own words on the screen makes it more real, somehow.
It's also strange how time plays such a huge role in our lives. Hours, days, weeks, months...they take on a whole new perspective and a whole new relevance depending on the matter at hand. A length of time can seem interminable or impossibly brief in relation to the events and emotions being experienced. Funny how that works.
I am glad that I am home right now - both to offer support and to be supported, but also so that I was able to spend some last moments with my grandfather while he was still his regular old self.
It's funny how when things unfold you can look back and see that they all fell into place a certain way for a reason and they start to make more sense. Not to say that I am only here because this was going to happen, but in retrospect, the events of the past year seem to have been part of a grand design - my move home being just a minuscule piece of the puzzle.
And thinking of all of these things makes the turmoil I've been experiencing trying to put my life back together seem so small and insignificant in comparison.
Yes, the imminence of death certainly has a way of putting everything back into perspective...
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Single Life Update
It has been a while...some things have changed and others have stayed pretty much the same...
I am almost done with the unpacking/repacking/organizing phase, but I really do hope to have my own place again very soon (even though that will mean partially starting that phase over again). Great as it is for my parents to take me in, I am finding it very hard to deal with not being on my own at the moment. I really need to have my own space...preferably in St. John's, where most of my friends are situated at present.
I'm still looking for a job. I've applied for a bunch but so far no feedback. It would be nice to be employed again. I'm trying not to get down over it, but it's hard not to sometimes.
I'm done with grieving for my failed relationship and have started dating again. It's fun and exciting in some ways, but it sucks in others. Let's face it, all those awkward first moments you have to contend with whenever you start seeing someone new are not exactly a pleasure to go through. And honestly, I really miss having someone to love and you can't love just anybody. Now that I'm dating again I tend to swing between just wanting to enjoy the moment and not get too attached to not wanting to waste time with anyone who I don't see becoming a long-term prospect. I'm finding I am also tending to over analyze my thoughts and feelings a lot more than usual and it is increasingly difficult to figure out just what I AM feeling a lot of the time. On the bright side, though, parts of me that have been buried for a long time are re-emerging and it's nice to experience them again. It's all a part of that weird, post-breakup head space I suppose. There are days when I'm just happy to be on my own with an opportunity for a fresh start and there are days when all I want to do is curl up and cry because I have to start over in so many ways which can be, at times, very frustrating and overwhelming. I really didn't think this is where I would be at almost 30. I thought I would be settled in my career and started on my own family by now and that doesn't seem to be anywhere in the cards in the foreseeable future and is kind of depressing to think about.
I'm bored a lot of the time. There isn't a lot to do around here (or, not a lot that I want to do at least) and I experience frequent bouts of cabin fever and going stir crazy. Hence, I usually take off on the weekends to try and retain my sanity.
Anyway, it's quite a process. I don't remember things being so complicated the last time I went through a major breakup...then again I was in my early twenties at that point so I guess they really weren't. I had loads of time and not much to worry about. I just really hope all of this will have been worth it in the end. I guess in some ways it already is...I'm attempting to move on and trying to find happiness instead of staying where I knew the potential for it had dwindled to the point of no return. That has to count for something, right? However, I do wish all those doors I thought I saw would start opening up already...
I am almost done with the unpacking/repacking/organizing phase, but I really do hope to have my own place again very soon (even though that will mean partially starting that phase over again). Great as it is for my parents to take me in, I am finding it very hard to deal with not being on my own at the moment. I really need to have my own space...preferably in St. John's, where most of my friends are situated at present.
I'm still looking for a job. I've applied for a bunch but so far no feedback. It would be nice to be employed again. I'm trying not to get down over it, but it's hard not to sometimes.
I'm done with grieving for my failed relationship and have started dating again. It's fun and exciting in some ways, but it sucks in others. Let's face it, all those awkward first moments you have to contend with whenever you start seeing someone new are not exactly a pleasure to go through. And honestly, I really miss having someone to love and you can't love just anybody. Now that I'm dating again I tend to swing between just wanting to enjoy the moment and not get too attached to not wanting to waste time with anyone who I don't see becoming a long-term prospect. I'm finding I am also tending to over analyze my thoughts and feelings a lot more than usual and it is increasingly difficult to figure out just what I AM feeling a lot of the time. On the bright side, though, parts of me that have been buried for a long time are re-emerging and it's nice to experience them again. It's all a part of that weird, post-breakup head space I suppose. There are days when I'm just happy to be on my own with an opportunity for a fresh start and there are days when all I want to do is curl up and cry because I have to start over in so many ways which can be, at times, very frustrating and overwhelming. I really didn't think this is where I would be at almost 30. I thought I would be settled in my career and started on my own family by now and that doesn't seem to be anywhere in the cards in the foreseeable future and is kind of depressing to think about.
I'm bored a lot of the time. There isn't a lot to do around here (or, not a lot that I want to do at least) and I experience frequent bouts of cabin fever and going stir crazy. Hence, I usually take off on the weekends to try and retain my sanity.
Anyway, it's quite a process. I don't remember things being so complicated the last time I went through a major breakup...then again I was in my early twenties at that point so I guess they really weren't. I had loads of time and not much to worry about. I just really hope all of this will have been worth it in the end. I guess in some ways it already is...I'm attempting to move on and trying to find happiness instead of staying where I knew the potential for it had dwindled to the point of no return. That has to count for something, right? However, I do wish all those doors I thought I saw would start opening up already...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)