No one said it would be easy starting over and this is certainly not where I thought I'd be at 30. However, it could always be worse...as one friend says to me, "You could be blind, pregnant and homeless. Then you would have real problems." Somehow that is cold comfort on a night like this...
Yes, it has been a long and lonely 24 hours. However, instead of falling into the "woe is me" mode, I thought I would try and keep it somewhat light. In that vein, may I present for your listening/viewing pleasure:
Well, you know...change the lyrics a bit and you get the drift. Tis just as well to laugh as to cry, as my great-grandmother used to say...
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Dating Drama II
I would like to think that I am nowhere near shallow. I don't have a "type" that I look for physically, and there are no specific criteria for measurements, hair colour, eye colour, or whatever for the most part. While we all have our preferences (I will admit that I tend to be drawn to those who are dark haired and taller than me, for instance), whether or not I will give someone a chance is by and large determined by their personality and not whether they are considered hot and buff to the general population. Although, naturally, there has to be an element of attraction in order to entertain the notion of dating someone, I don't think there is any set combination of features that equals attractiveness. Everyone is unique and what is inside shines through to play a big part in what we perceive on the outside. Have you ever noticed that you can meet someone who is only marginally attractive and when you get to know them they become the most beautiful/handsome/attractive person ever? Or vice versa - you meet someone who makes your knees go to Jell-O and the more you find out about them, the uglier they become?
Keeping that in mind, I have recently experienced every Internet dater's nightmare...meeting someone who looks NOTHING like you thought they would based on their pictures (a word to the wise: be wary of side profile pictures and sunglasses, and always ask how recent pictures are). Admittedly, I was taking a chance with this guy, who was out of my normal comfort zone in regards to age range (older, as in ). I can only imagine the look that must have been on my face when he turned and saw me walking into the coffee shop where we met (deer in the headlights, anyone?), although I tried my utmost to disguise it and muster a genuine smile - hey, it's tough to put yourself out there and I know that! And I did try to look past the superficial elements...but there were a lot of them. I stayed for an hour and a half to chat with him, partially to be polite and give him a fair shot and partially because there was some interesting story swapping going on. I'd like to think that his personality would have counteracted the effects of the physical if he was someone I could really click with, but that didn't happen. He didn't seem to possess the character traits I am looking for in a romantic interest either, and some of his mannerisms were a bit of a turnoff.
So...then there is the escape route. How does one go about getting out of those situations gracefully? Luckily, I apparently looked tired when I showed up (which he commented on - gee, thanks!), so I was able to use that to my advantage. I somehow got myself out the door and to my car without having to encounter the awkward potential hug/kiss goodnight moment that seems to accompany most first dates in my experience (and thankfully does not ALWAYS manifest and is not ALWAYS awkward when it does)...and then came home to a very complimentary message from him, which was sweet and would have thrilled me if it were from someone of whom I reciprocated those impressions, but unfortunately necessitated a speedier extraction from the situation than I had anticipated. Due to the lack of interest on my part and not wanting to give false hope or allow this man to feel like he was making a fool of himself, I had to woman up and reject him upfront. I did this as truthfully, gently, and compassionately as I could muster, but it still wasn't easy. You never know how people are going to take those things. Thankfully, he took it well and we ceased communication amicably. Phew! I hope the guy gets what he's looking for, though, all the same...if what he shared with me was true, it sounds like he's been through a lot with women who have taken advantage of him...
Keeping that in mind, I have recently experienced every Internet dater's nightmare...meeting someone who looks NOTHING like you thought they would based on their pictures (a word to the wise: be wary of side profile pictures and sunglasses, and always ask how recent pictures are). Admittedly, I was taking a chance with this guy, who was out of my normal comfort zone in regards to age range (older, as in ). I can only imagine the look that must have been on my face when he turned and saw me walking into the coffee shop where we met (deer in the headlights, anyone?), although I tried my utmost to disguise it and muster a genuine smile - hey, it's tough to put yourself out there and I know that! And I did try to look past the superficial elements...but there were a lot of them. I stayed for an hour and a half to chat with him, partially to be polite and give him a fair shot and partially because there was some interesting story swapping going on. I'd like to think that his personality would have counteracted the effects of the physical if he was someone I could really click with, but that didn't happen. He didn't seem to possess the character traits I am looking for in a romantic interest either, and some of his mannerisms were a bit of a turnoff.
So...then there is the escape route. How does one go about getting out of those situations gracefully? Luckily, I apparently looked tired when I showed up (which he commented on - gee, thanks!), so I was able to use that to my advantage. I somehow got myself out the door and to my car without having to encounter the awkward potential hug/kiss goodnight moment that seems to accompany most first dates in my experience (and thankfully does not ALWAYS manifest and is not ALWAYS awkward when it does)...and then came home to a very complimentary message from him, which was sweet and would have thrilled me if it were from someone of whom I reciprocated those impressions, but unfortunately necessitated a speedier extraction from the situation than I had anticipated. Due to the lack of interest on my part and not wanting to give false hope or allow this man to feel like he was making a fool of himself, I had to woman up and reject him upfront. I did this as truthfully, gently, and compassionately as I could muster, but it still wasn't easy. You never know how people are going to take those things. Thankfully, he took it well and we ceased communication amicably. Phew! I hope the guy gets what he's looking for, though, all the same...if what he shared with me was true, it sounds like he's been through a lot with women who have taken advantage of him...
Dating Drama
Why is it that we get an impression in our minds of what someone is like and then it is sooooooo hard to replace it entirely when that turns out not to be the case? I was chatting with a guy who, although sometimes not the most talkative, seemed like the most decent and "together" guy I'd crossed paths with in quite some time. He looked so sweet and sensible in his pictures, too, and I was really looking forward to meeting him.
The first inkling that he was perhaps misrepresenting himself came when we added each other to facebook...where I saw pictures of him looking anything but sweet and innocent. Not that he was doing anything inappropriate, but you know how the look in a person's eyes sometimes acts as an early warning system? Well this boy all of a sudden became edgy and dangerous looking and red flags started flying...but then again...a picture is just a picture and looks can be deceiving, right? So I met him. I enjoyed his company. There was great chemistry...and he began to smash major holes in my image of him. Which is probably a good thing to have happen earlier rather than later in the game. He outright asked for sexual favours when we were kissing on the first date (I was appalled and indignant and verbally smacked him in the head for that one) and texted and called me at 4am the next day (luckily my phone was on quiet) and when I discovered this and made it clear that it was not appreciated and I was not in the market to be someone's booty call, he claimed he'd been locked out of his apartment and had been freezing outside. I didn't buy it, but guessed there was a very slim chance it could have been true...my sense of fairness and not judging too quickly really does make me come across as ridiculously innocent and naive sometimes...
Long story short, for some reason all the things I had wanted and initially believed this person to be persuaded me to go out with him a second time. SIGH. While there was somehow still a sweetness and considerate air about him in a way and I still enjoyed his company, he admitted that he lied on his dating profile about wanting a relationship in order to get more hits, told me about an incident in which he had cheated on a girl for a year because she was the type to cry about everything and he didn't want to break up and hurt her feelings (so you do that to her and hurt her ten times worse???), and contradicted some of the things he had said to me on the first date, making it crystal clear (as if it wasn't already, even though I was bound and determined to put the blinders on) that he is a total player and was just feeding me whatever he thought I wanted to hear in the hopes of getting what he wanted.
Why is it that we refuse to believe what's in front of us sometimes (even when we ourselves identify it!) in favour of what we want to see and believe? How is it that we think we can fill someone with all the things we want them to be? We cannot impart morals and values and all-around goodness into someone else. It just doesn't work that way. Yet I still want to look at the positive aspects of this person in the face of everything that he isn't. It doesn't even make sense! I know I am worth a hell of a lot more than this guy could ever give me at this point. He doesn't deserve a second of my time and is delusional if he thinks he's pulling the wool over my eyes in any way, but I have continued to talk to him when he has contacted me. I must be insane. Is it boredom? Is it some misguided notion that hiding underneath the bad boy hiding underneath the good guy facade is the really good guy I saw in the beginning? The hope that maybe he will wake up and change? The experience of learning more about the player psyche to better equip myself in future? The challenge of demystifying the cat and mouse game? Or have I simply lost all my marbles?
The first inkling that he was perhaps misrepresenting himself came when we added each other to facebook...where I saw pictures of him looking anything but sweet and innocent. Not that he was doing anything inappropriate, but you know how the look in a person's eyes sometimes acts as an early warning system? Well this boy all of a sudden became edgy and dangerous looking and red flags started flying...but then again...a picture is just a picture and looks can be deceiving, right? So I met him. I enjoyed his company. There was great chemistry...and he began to smash major holes in my image of him. Which is probably a good thing to have happen earlier rather than later in the game. He outright asked for sexual favours when we were kissing on the first date (I was appalled and indignant and verbally smacked him in the head for that one) and texted and called me at 4am the next day (luckily my phone was on quiet) and when I discovered this and made it clear that it was not appreciated and I was not in the market to be someone's booty call, he claimed he'd been locked out of his apartment and had been freezing outside. I didn't buy it, but guessed there was a very slim chance it could have been true...my sense of fairness and not judging too quickly really does make me come across as ridiculously innocent and naive sometimes...
Long story short, for some reason all the things I had wanted and initially believed this person to be persuaded me to go out with him a second time. SIGH. While there was somehow still a sweetness and considerate air about him in a way and I still enjoyed his company, he admitted that he lied on his dating profile about wanting a relationship in order to get more hits, told me about an incident in which he had cheated on a girl for a year because she was the type to cry about everything and he didn't want to break up and hurt her feelings (so you do that to her and hurt her ten times worse???), and contradicted some of the things he had said to me on the first date, making it crystal clear (as if it wasn't already, even though I was bound and determined to put the blinders on) that he is a total player and was just feeding me whatever he thought I wanted to hear in the hopes of getting what he wanted.
Why is it that we refuse to believe what's in front of us sometimes (even when we ourselves identify it!) in favour of what we want to see and believe? How is it that we think we can fill someone with all the things we want them to be? We cannot impart morals and values and all-around goodness into someone else. It just doesn't work that way. Yet I still want to look at the positive aspects of this person in the face of everything that he isn't. It doesn't even make sense! I know I am worth a hell of a lot more than this guy could ever give me at this point. He doesn't deserve a second of my time and is delusional if he thinks he's pulling the wool over my eyes in any way, but I have continued to talk to him when he has contacted me. I must be insane. Is it boredom? Is it some misguided notion that hiding underneath the bad boy hiding underneath the good guy facade is the really good guy I saw in the beginning? The hope that maybe he will wake up and change? The experience of learning more about the player psyche to better equip myself in future? The challenge of demystifying the cat and mouse game? Or have I simply lost all my marbles?
Monday, October 11, 2010
The Dirty Thirties
Ok. It's official. I have entered the third decade of my existance. Oddly, it's a little hard to wrap my head around as of yet. However, I have been told by several women that the 30s are where it's at...as a colleague of mine once put it, "In your 20's, you figure out who you are and what it's all about. In your 30's, you start to put it all together and solidify your life. And by the time you hit your 40's, you are who you are and you just don't give a shit what anyone thinks anymore." So...while I'm feeling a little nostalgic about the end of an era, I'm really looking forward to seeing what my 30's have in store. I do, however, have to put in some pretty hard work over the next little while to see what I can make happen for myself here. Time to pull those bootstraps all the way up and get a little tougher and more determined, I suppose! (And besides, I have nothing to worry about, right? I mean, after all - they do say that 30 is the new 20).
Thursday, September 23, 2010
Spared By Igor
So. I am happy to report that I got off lightly. All I had to contend with was a power outage of several hours and extreme boredom. There were many who were not nearly as fortunate, and, while I am ever grateful that I was spared, my heart goes out to them. Within my own family, there was extensive property damage but, thankfully, no injuries or loss of life. I actually did not realize the severity of what was going on outside for the most part (and in different parts of the island), as I opted to stay at home (with no phone, cable, or Internet - hence the obliviousness to anything I could not see out the kitchen window) to aid my mother in keeping her sanity. She's a big worrier, and I didn't want to add to her stress...not that it was a completely selfless action...I have to admit, it was not very tempting to go through the door with the weather as it was...I've seen the countless stream of pictures and videos on facebook though. Not nice. Here's hoping everyone effected will get the help they need to bounce back sooner rather than later.
...In other news, I have finally started contacting theatre and choir groups and am hoping to have some memberships solidified soon.
...In other news, I have finally started contacting theatre and choir groups and am hoping to have some memberships solidified soon.
Friday, September 17, 2010
Treading New Ground and Lacking Excitement
I have been tepidly navigating the world of online dating off and on for the past few months. It is certainly a whole new ballgame trying to meet people when you are nearing 30 as opposed to when you are barely 20, let me tell you!
I was thinking I was doing better than the average Internet dater, judging by the cynical profile descriptions and horror stories of whackos - through sheer luck, everyone I had talked to up to a certain point seemed relatively normal and decent...and then the weirdos started coming out of the woodwork. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm surprised at the number of guys (I can't really speak for the girls as I haven't been perusing them or conversating with them) who are willing to sleep with someone they've never seen a picture of or spoken to/chatted with, let alone met! Wow. That was an eye-opener. I also didn't realize that being able to spell and use correct grammar and punctuation automatically places someone in an elite group. One would think those are pretty basic skills, but apparently not... Anyway, I could go on, but I'm sure everyone has had or heard of the same sorts of things these days since online dating is so common. Suffice it to say it's been an interesting learning experience! I did manage to make myself a couple of good guy friends though, so it hasn't been a total waste of time (and it may still yield other fortunate results - who knows - but I'm not exactly holding my breath).
Other than that, the apartment is slowly coming together and getting in order and I have still been fighting to get a foot in the door work-wise. Life's a whole lot more lowkey now that everyone else has gone back to work and the weather is changing and it's sometimes rough to find things to do to keep myself from going insane, still. But I'm ok with living alone. That was a big adjustment and, surprisingly, it did not take long to adapt and embrace it. Having said that, I am very lucky to have a bunch of friends and family within a 15 minute drive for those times when I'm extra lonely and heading towards stir-crazy. I'm also in the midst of trying to find/contact some theatre/choir groups to broaden my circle and fill up my evenings a bit. I really need to diversify again at this point. This life is not enough for me as it is...
I was thinking I was doing better than the average Internet dater, judging by the cynical profile descriptions and horror stories of whackos - through sheer luck, everyone I had talked to up to a certain point seemed relatively normal and decent...and then the weirdos started coming out of the woodwork. I guess it was bound to happen sooner or later. I'm surprised at the number of guys (I can't really speak for the girls as I haven't been perusing them or conversating with them) who are willing to sleep with someone they've never seen a picture of or spoken to/chatted with, let alone met! Wow. That was an eye-opener. I also didn't realize that being able to spell and use correct grammar and punctuation automatically places someone in an elite group. One would think those are pretty basic skills, but apparently not... Anyway, I could go on, but I'm sure everyone has had or heard of the same sorts of things these days since online dating is so common. Suffice it to say it's been an interesting learning experience! I did manage to make myself a couple of good guy friends though, so it hasn't been a total waste of time (and it may still yield other fortunate results - who knows - but I'm not exactly holding my breath).
Other than that, the apartment is slowly coming together and getting in order and I have still been fighting to get a foot in the door work-wise. Life's a whole lot more lowkey now that everyone else has gone back to work and the weather is changing and it's sometimes rough to find things to do to keep myself from going insane, still. But I'm ok with living alone. That was a big adjustment and, surprisingly, it did not take long to adapt and embrace it. Having said that, I am very lucky to have a bunch of friends and family within a 15 minute drive for those times when I'm extra lonely and heading towards stir-crazy. I'm also in the midst of trying to find/contact some theatre/choir groups to broaden my circle and fill up my evenings a bit. I really need to diversify again at this point. This life is not enough for me as it is...
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Discomfort
It's been 5 months and counting since I returned to my home province. I've now resettled in Kilbride and am living solo again. I have mixed feelings about the experience. There are times it is liberating and empowering and I love my own company. There are others when it is so devestatingly lonely and I feel so restless and uncomfortable I could scream or cry...and sometimes do. I have come to realize that I have been stubbornly refusing to go through a lot of the post-breakup process...that I have been practicing extreme avoidance through distracting myself by being constantly on the go with friends (not that there's anything wrong with that) and scouting for potential dates/wasting time on a lot of Mr. Wrongs. In short, I have been guilty of doing what I have always told friends who went through breakups NOT to do: I have not been learning to love myself more and taking care of myself the way I should be, I have not been actively getting in touch with myself and getting to know myself again, I have not been using my time wisely and filling my days with the things I enjoy doing, I have not been working on all the things I was excited about being able to work on again...I have not been actively learning to how to be on my own and I have been depending on other people for entertainment.
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I experienced relatively little upheaval from this whole transition in terms of going from being in a relationship to being single. Some, yes, from time to time, but not a lot. Mostly I was ok...just frustrated at what I perceived as having gone backwards in my life plans in a sense, and being stuck living with my parents in the boondocks. I dated an old flame, met a few new guys, and did a lot of going out and celebrating my freedom with my friends. And now reality is setting in. August was a slowing down period and today September stepped up and smacked me in the face. I mean, seriously, I got my hair done today and barely even got any enjoyment out of it for Pete's sake! You know there's something wrong when...! I seriously have not cried as much as I have in the past couple of days in YEARS (well except for last year this time when I realized my relationship was falling apart - and WHY did I stay so long after that again???). I am also in the midst of trying to quit smoking again (my dirty little secret...I picked it up little by little after being around the old flame and the old friends all the time - all of whom smoke - and have been battling getting back to smokefree...and that adds to the emotional turmoil. Last time I quit 5 years ago I was a basketcase for a while with the withdrawal, etc).
In short, I am a mess right now. I am sitting in this discomfort, seemingly unable to pull myself out of it at the moment, and hoping it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship and I don't regret making the choice to leave. I just despise this feeling of weakness and yearning that stems from being an affectionate person and having no one to give that affection to while being unwilling to settle for just anyone to bestow it on...if that makes sense. It's kind of a battle between being pathetic and clinging to my standards. It's hard to be patient and wait for the right man when you don't even know if he exists anymore and all you can do is convince yourself to hang in there and hope he crosses your path sooner rather than later...but realizing that it's probably best if he doesn't show up yet for awhile anyhow because you're not exactly at the top of your game...
Up until a couple of weeks ago, I experienced relatively little upheaval from this whole transition in terms of going from being in a relationship to being single. Some, yes, from time to time, but not a lot. Mostly I was ok...just frustrated at what I perceived as having gone backwards in my life plans in a sense, and being stuck living with my parents in the boondocks. I dated an old flame, met a few new guys, and did a lot of going out and celebrating my freedom with my friends. And now reality is setting in. August was a slowing down period and today September stepped up and smacked me in the face. I mean, seriously, I got my hair done today and barely even got any enjoyment out of it for Pete's sake! You know there's something wrong when...! I seriously have not cried as much as I have in the past couple of days in YEARS (well except for last year this time when I realized my relationship was falling apart - and WHY did I stay so long after that again???). I am also in the midst of trying to quit smoking again (my dirty little secret...I picked it up little by little after being around the old flame and the old friends all the time - all of whom smoke - and have been battling getting back to smokefree...and that adds to the emotional turmoil. Last time I quit 5 years ago I was a basketcase for a while with the withdrawal, etc).
In short, I am a mess right now. I am sitting in this discomfort, seemingly unable to pull myself out of it at the moment, and hoping it doesn't last long. Don't get me wrong - I would rather be alone than in an unhappy/unhealthy relationship and I don't regret making the choice to leave. I just despise this feeling of weakness and yearning that stems from being an affectionate person and having no one to give that affection to while being unwilling to settle for just anyone to bestow it on...if that makes sense. It's kind of a battle between being pathetic and clinging to my standards. It's hard to be patient and wait for the right man when you don't even know if he exists anymore and all you can do is convince yourself to hang in there and hope he crosses your path sooner rather than later...but realizing that it's probably best if he doesn't show up yet for awhile anyhow because you're not exactly at the top of your game...
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