Tending the Soul

So our jaunt to Boxfit was put off from Monday night to last night, but was still good times. My friend and I really enjoyed Boxer-cise and I don't know about her, but I'm certainly feeling it today. We are considering going again, but hoping it will be less crowded next time (it's new right now so the novelty is still there and everyone wants to try it, much like us). We've also been going to Zumba classes along with a third friend on a fairly regular basis and I've been walking and doing yoga whenever the mood strikes as well. Hopefully the results will be noticeable soon...like before my dress is ready for choir, let's say? Did I mention how depressing it was to get measured for that? Yikes! I swear I have curves and a figure (albeit not exactly 36-24-36 or whatever those divine measurements are supposed to be), but according to her measuring tape I'm pretty much a tree trunk. Nice.

I have re-started The Artist's Way by Julia Cameron (I have the book), which I initially tried in BC and got halfway through before falling off the bandwagon. So far it seems to be helping me feel better, if nothing else. I have an artist date (rough translation: 2 hour block of uninterrupted alone time doing something fun - preferably something my inner child would like/appreciate) with myself tomorrow night. My "inner artist child" and I are going to a movie. It will be the first time I've gone to a movie solo since I was about 16 and dying of boredom one weekend. Anyway...should be an interesting experience. I'm sure there are people who do it all the time, but for me movie going has always been a social thing to do - well, accompanied by at least one friend or the current boyfriend at the time. Last week myself and I went for a walk in Bowring Park and took lots of pictures of the pretty fall colours and leaves everywhere for our artist date. It was great, on more than one count. I needed a reminder of how enthralled I can become with my surroundings and how getting out in nature, breathing fresh air and appreciating beauty can somehow make everything seem better. The chapter I just read in The Artist's Way actually talks about paying attention to the little details in the here and now and I must say, it is really powerful sometimes to just do that one simple thing.

I've also been finding practicing songs for choir to be quite therapeutic and good for my soul. My emotional and spiritual well being has been positively affected by all of these practices (and of course journalling, which I've been doing for years)and I hope I can remember to keep them up. Now...if I could only figure out the rest of my life. The method behind the madness was that if I could take better care of myself and tend to my spirit perhaps my thinking and emotions would become more clear and I would accomplish more and be more productive in everyday life (thereby quelling the feelings of uselessness and guilt that come with not having a regular job)...that perhaps that neon sign I was praying to drop from the heavens would actually materialize in my brain instead.

While there have been no glowing lights to date, the fact that I AM feeling better is leaving me better able to cope with stress and keep depression a little more at bay, so I guess that is progress, at least...

Sunday Night Ramblings

So I'm sitting here with a glass of port and I'm thinking I should probably be in bed. One of the things about not having a regular job that I'm finding hard to cope with (aside from the obvious lack of income and resultant stress) is the absence of routine and trying to get in and out of bed at decent hours. Being unemployed most definitely takes a toll on your self-confidence and your self-worth. I keep praying for a neon sign to fall from the sky and hit me in the head, telling me what to do and which way to go to get to where I want to be. So far, no such luck. It just doesn't seem to want to materialize.

In a sense, I have all the time in the world and don't know what to do with it most days. I try to keep busy and be as productive as I can muster (depending on how depressed I am about not having a regular job or not quite knowing what it is that I want to do or how to go about doing it - some days are better than others). I try and stay active and get out of the apartment for some fresh air daily but that doesn't always happen either. I told myself I would use this time to figure everything out and to write in the meantime. It turns out that has been easier said than done. I keep taking baby steps but I feel like I am churning my wheels and getting nowhere (wow that was a mixed metaphor...or was it even a metaphor? In any event, how can you take steps if you are using wheels?). Sigh.

In other news, there is no one who has sparked my interest in the online dating arena of late. I do find it interesting, however, that the one person I am intrigued by these days has recently shown up there. It's tricky though. I don't have a picture posted on the dating site due to working in the public sector (let's face it - teachers have to be uber careful about that sort of thing - although I've noticed some have said screw it and thrown caution to the wind...perhaps it's more relaxed down here than it was in BC?) but he does. So I have the advantage of knowing who he is on there. Offline, I see him weekly in rehearsals but don't really have the opportunity to approach him - or a valid excuse to do so. And in my defense, it's not exactly the most comfortable thing in the world to start a conversation with someone you've never before spoken to and happen to be interested in in front of an audience of people who possibly DO know him. (I think the port is starting to take effect...is it just me or is my writing sounding rather convoluted right now? I'm seriously a lightweight (and mostly seldom) drinker). A male friend suggested I should send him an online message and get to know him that way without disclosing my identity unless he asked, but that seems creepy/deceitful to me...and potentially very awkward and embarrassing - what if the interest factor wasn't reciprocated and then I had to continue to see him every week?

Anyway...let's backtrack a bit to the potential interest, himself. I say potential because I don't really know anything about him except that he is super talented, seems quite intelligent, has a great smile, and I want to get to know him better. And then there is the part of me that thinks, "Seriously? Why bother? You are just getting to the place where you're totally comfortable being solo. Embrace it. Enjoy it. Don't mess with it. Mr. Right will pop out of the woodwork and find you when the time is right." Yet, I can't help wondering...does he wonder about me too?

I also find it interesting that my inbox has developed an empty echo lately. For awhile there I was having a hard time keeping up with the correspondence. Now it's as if the universe has intervened and decided that I am supposed to just be alone right now and figure everything else out. To just continue focusing on myself and being patient for the romantic aspect to come along whenever it will. It's odd.

In any event, I'm going to try boxing tomorrow with a friend. That should be entertaining and stress-relieving. Perhaps it will help vent some of these muddled thought processes and provide some clarity while releasing endorphins. Toodles for now!

Lessons Learned The Hard Way

Well I was doing great there for a while. I was putting the focus back on me, where it belongs...my life, my ambitions, my dreams and desires, and feeling quite good about my progress...However, I got sidetracked and new developments have caused some bitterness to seep in tonight. I'm hoping it won't last too long. In the meantime, I'm very tempted to just say the hell with it and stay single forever...or perhaps start batting for the other team...? Nah. Although it would mean I wouldn't have to ever look at the opposite sex as potential mates again. Which could be a good thing since there seem to be very few (if any?) crossing my path who would be worthy of my consideration.

I recently made the mistake of letting my judgment become clouded and being a dumb girl who got blinded by some guy selling her a line. Or was it deluded herself because she wanted to see things that weren't there? Either way...mistake. And so now I'm finding out things that are bothering me about someone who isn't even worth my time and energy. And it stings. So I ask you - why, oh why, do we torture ourselves with thoughts about people and things that shouldn't matter? Why do we let ourselves get sucked into caring about people and things that are simply not worth the effort? How come it's not so easy to just flip a switch, turn it off, and make it go away? I really hope this time I will learn (why do I feel like I'm repeating myself?). My eyes are certainly open right now. Let's hope they stay that way!

...and oddly enough, as I am writing this and stewing in discomfort and negativity, I am receiving support via text from the most unlikely source - an old flame who was once that jerk who misled me but has somehow over the years turned into an odd sort of (platonic!) friend. How's that for irony? (Although I'm pretty sure I still have to be on my guard and careful of ulterior motives where that one is concerned - just in case - it's still nice to have someone cheer you up when you are feeling defeated and need it most).

So anyway, it's back to the drawing board and re-clearing my head to see what I can figure out and get sorted for the betterment of myself and my life - sans non-platonic males for the time being. I did actually go one step further and gave another platonic male friend (and by the way, one of the guys I dated over the past weeks told me I've probably scared off numerous romantic interests simply due to the fact that I have guy friends - what's up with that? Perhaps some further exploration to come on that issue...) permission to kick me in the head if he sees me being stupid over some creep again...to which he responded that he had tried to give me several mental kicks this time but they didn't work. Sigh. I never claimed that I wasn't stubborn sometimes...but I did humbly submit that I am in a different frame of mind now and promised to pay more heed if further kicks were to come.

Some quick updates I'm not sure if I've mentioned: Work - (SIGH) still in the air and undecided as to which path to take. Theatre - so far, harder to break into than I thought down here. Choir - in like Flynn and lovin it :). Living solo - the bomb.

I have been reading a most interesting book lately, too, which I have been meaning to blog about. I think it should be required reading for all women. Yep, definitely gotta write about that soon...

In More Ways Than One...

The Ex-Factor

I'm not sure about everyone else, but I have found that I have put on weight over the course of my long term relationships. The first time, it was because I was miserable and using emotional eating as a coping strategy without realizing (never a good idea). I gained somewhere around 30 pounds over a 2-3 year period. Not good. The last time, my weight tended to fluctuate 20 pounds or so...I'd lose them and then I'd gain them back...then I'd lose them and gain them back...you get the picture.

When I moved home, I was close to being back to my heaviest weight after months of misery followed by a month or so of eating takeout while packing boxes to ship across the country. Again - I don't recommend that as a wise course of action, but sometimes it is necessary to do what needs to be done without losing your mind.

I am by no means fanatical about my weight, but I do try to stay healthy and in decent shape. As my mother says, "everything in moderation." I walk, I do yoga, I hike (none of which is done on stringently, but all of which occurs fairly frequently) and I attempt to eat healthy during the week so that the weekend splurges are not quite so guilt-ridden. And on that note, I am happy to report that I am now down to pre-last-boyfriend weight (on the button). And in another 10 pounds I will be down to pre-first-boyfriend weight...which I haven't been since I was 19-20ish. Now THAT is exciting :)

I also like to think of it as being symbolic...you know...like somehow the weight is connected to the emotional upheaval and baggage accumulated over the course of relationships that didn't work out and so losing it, in turn, equates to lightening the load on my mind and my shoulders and in my heart. I find it is therapeutic to look at it that way...as if I am working my way back to a sort of emotionally healthy tabula rasa state (in terms of healing old scars and banishing any bitterness/cynicism that may be lurking in parts unknown) for the right person to get a fair shot while maintaining all the lessons learned and wisdom garnered from the past...As someone said to me a few months ago, "We all have baggage. It's just a matter of learning to check it when you get on board the next flight and not dump it in the lap of the person sitting next to you." Wise words, indeed...

Work Woes

OK. So I'm getting very stressed and frustrated because I am currently unemployed. I'm a teacher...and unfortunately unemployed teachers are a dime a dozen in St. John's. I figured I'd get my feet wet subbing and work my way into the system...but that's not happening. Things work differently here. Elsewhere I've lived and worked (sometimes subbing and sometimes in my own classroom under yearly term contracts), I've applied to the district, gotten on the sub list, and been guaranteed at least SOME time subbing under the rotational system (minus when I first came home and was subbing in rural NL...but I still managed to get decent classroom time out of that) and a fair crack at any available teaching positions (naturally, I was still behind anyone with more seniority or higher qualifications in terms of job postings). When I applied to the sub list in this district I was informed through the grapevine that the expectation here is that you also hand deliver your resume to any and all schools you wish to sub at and pick a handful to volunteer at for a few hours a week...all in the HOPE of getting a call to sub. So I did that (although I have to say I see a number of faults with that system...which is also NOT rotational and based solely on who you know and your ability to get into their good books as far as I can tell). I got dressed up, plastered a confident smile on my face and braved the weather (of course, it was windy and raining every time I went out to deliver resumes), I picked a couple of schools and have been going there and volunteering my services in and out of the classroom to whoever wants to make use of me - and so far? Nothing. Nada. Pas du tout!

And it's getting old. I am not a fan of having this much time on my hands to try and fill. I have ALWAYS been busy. I left high school and went straight to university and then left university and went straight to work. I'm sure most everyone realizes that being a student and being a teacher are both pretty time consuming roles to play. So I'm trying to broaden my horizons and see what else is out there...but I have no idea where to turn or what to do (other than recreational pursuits). My entire life has been centered around schools, it seems. I feel utterly dumbfounded when it comes to getting myself gainfully employed in other areas or even what areas I'd like to become gainfully employed in (and I'm starting to revisit the idea that perhaps teaching is not where it's at for me)! It's rather confusing...Do I seek further education to add to my bachelor's degrees (and how do I finance that? by tacking further debt onto my already existing student loan)? Do I branch out and do something totally different? Do I seek part-time employment that will allow me the flexibility to continue volunteering and perhaps snagging some sub time at some unknown point in the future? Do I go after a full-time job that will take away that option (and do I settle for just anything at this point or do I continue to look for something that will leave me with some satisfaction at the end of the day)? Is there a way I can become self-employed and make money off of my hobbies/talents/things I enjoy? And then there's pay...while I'm not exactly doing well at the moment and on the one hand some money is better than no money, on the other hand I'm not sure how I can go from the possibility of making decent money to the assurance of making much less and still find a way to make ends meet...if that makes sense. I guess the bottom line is I'm just feeling really scared and lost and hoping some divine opportunity or inspiration will fall into my lap and light my way through this dark, murky path I'm on...sooner rather than later would probably be best...

At the end of the day, I just really want to feel like I have a purpose. I want to be self-sufficient and feel good about what I do and how I spend my life. Is that so much to ask...? How on earth does everyone else make it in this city/province?

Unfounded Warnings Cause Web Traffic Scares

I've not been the most dedicated blogger, of late. However, I've more recently been working on remedying that a little. So, the fact that there have been warnings coming up for sites that use or are listed in the NL BlogRoll kind of escaped my attention for awhile. However, after reading this post at Townie Bastard and viewing this page at Blogrolling, as cited in a comment following that post, I decided to follow Townie's lead and remove the BlogRoll to see what happened. While I have never noticed any warnings when using Internet Explorer, whenever I use Google Chrome I am still getting that vexatious little warning...grrrr...